How do non anxious people operate?
July 15, 2023 2:34 PM Subscribe
I was born an extremely anxious person, and ended up having a life that made me even more so. I’ve made a great deal of progress getting over it, but I can’t comprehend the last piece, which is - to me, it makes sense to be anxious, and I don’t understand how to not be anxious logically.
There are so many horrific things that could happen to you or someone you love. How do people go about their days feeling calm and peaceful when there are so many ways that the next moment could bring unbearable suffering, and it’s impossible not to notice all the near misses? I could understand if the answer was: that’s the struggle of life, coming to peace with that fact - but so many people seem genuinely unbothered, and think nothing bad will ever happen to them. Is that just a defence mechanism?
There are so many horrific things that could happen to you or someone you love. How do people go about their days feeling calm and peaceful when there are so many ways that the next moment could bring unbearable suffering, and it’s impossible not to notice all the near misses? I could understand if the answer was: that’s the struggle of life, coming to peace with that fact - but so many people seem genuinely unbothered, and think nothing bad will ever happen to them. Is that just a defence mechanism?
This post was deleted for the following reason: -- Brandon Blatcher
Hmmm. So, a lot of the time, I'm actually engrossed in what I'm doing, so I just am not thinking about anything else. If those kinds of thoughts do happen, I am capable to some extent of finding something else to think about. I take reasonable precautions, so I have done what I can do to improve the odds. But also: I'm 53, I've had a lot of moments, if you like, and hardly any of them have brought unbearable suffering. And all the suffering they have brought, I have borne.
Suppose some time soon, we don't know when, but in the next few days or weeks, an awful thing is going to happen which we cannot control. Is it better to spend the time busy in other pursuits, getting what enjoyment we can? Or to focus on the event and spend all that time envisaging how awful it's going to be? I prefer the former.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 3:04 PM on July 15, 2023 [7 favorites]
Suppose some time soon, we don't know when, but in the next few days or weeks, an awful thing is going to happen which we cannot control. Is it better to spend the time busy in other pursuits, getting what enjoyment we can? Or to focus on the event and spend all that time envisaging how awful it's going to be? I prefer the former.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 3:04 PM on July 15, 2023 [7 favorites]
I think the reality is that unanxious people just don’t think about that stuff much, if at all. They think about what’s going on around them in reality, now, or recently, or soon, and their brain just doesn’t spend much or any time on worst-case hypotheticals.
And, for a lot of people, statistically, their brain is right. At most moments in time, something terrible isn’t about to happen to them. Odds are hugely in favour of the fact that what happens to them in the next 5 minutes, or hour, or day, or month, will be fairly mundane (this is, of course, only the case for some of the world’s population, assuming a level of privilege in terms of wealth, security, status, absence of war and conflict etc.)
If your life is indeed relatively stable but you still get caught up on worst case scenario anxiety the whole time, the question of how/why other people are different could have a range of answers - different brain chemistry, different upbringing, no experience of trauma, therapy, medication, etc.
posted by penguin pie at 3:09 PM on July 15, 2023 [14 favorites]
And, for a lot of people, statistically, their brain is right. At most moments in time, something terrible isn’t about to happen to them. Odds are hugely in favour of the fact that what happens to them in the next 5 minutes, or hour, or day, or month, will be fairly mundane (this is, of course, only the case for some of the world’s population, assuming a level of privilege in terms of wealth, security, status, absence of war and conflict etc.)
If your life is indeed relatively stable but you still get caught up on worst case scenario anxiety the whole time, the question of how/why other people are different could have a range of answers - different brain chemistry, different upbringing, no experience of trauma, therapy, medication, etc.
posted by penguin pie at 3:09 PM on July 15, 2023 [14 favorites]
Are we talking about things like getting into a car crash or getting a debilitating illness?
I pretty much ignore the possibilities of unbearable suffering because why would I spend one minute ruminating about things that I wouldn't be able to change? I honestly don't understand why people would, as my anxiety manifests in strategizing about things I can change, like my work output.
I guess my answer is that I feel confident that I'm taking reasonable precautions and confident in my ability to cope with bad things happening - up to a point. And after that point there's nothing I could do about it, so I pretend it's not there. I'm good at compartmentalizing.
Like, I worry sometimes about my kids taking specific drugs one day. So I run through what I believe is my best approach to head off this danger at this point in time, and then I table the rumination. More would be...pointless.
Also, a lot of people, including me, have a hard time imagining things they haven't experienced before. So worrying about them in graphic detail, even if I wanted to, wouldn't come naturally.
I think if life has given you reason to be anxious in the past, it stands to reason you'd be way more attuned to picturing horrible possibilities.
posted by Omnomnom at 3:14 PM on July 15, 2023 [6 favorites]
I pretty much ignore the possibilities of unbearable suffering because why would I spend one minute ruminating about things that I wouldn't be able to change? I honestly don't understand why people would, as my anxiety manifests in strategizing about things I can change, like my work output.
I guess my answer is that I feel confident that I'm taking reasonable precautions and confident in my ability to cope with bad things happening - up to a point. And after that point there's nothing I could do about it, so I pretend it's not there. I'm good at compartmentalizing.
Like, I worry sometimes about my kids taking specific drugs one day. So I run through what I believe is my best approach to head off this danger at this point in time, and then I table the rumination. More would be...pointless.
Also, a lot of people, including me, have a hard time imagining things they haven't experienced before. So worrying about them in graphic detail, even if I wanted to, wouldn't come naturally.
I think if life has given you reason to be anxious in the past, it stands to reason you'd be way more attuned to picturing horrible possibilities.
posted by Omnomnom at 3:14 PM on July 15, 2023 [6 favorites]
I think the reality is that unanxious people just don’t think about that stuff much, if at all.
For myself this is true. My brain is constantly processing my ridiculous, massive to-do list and getting distracted by interesting things happening. That's the backgfound music of my brain. I would have to actively call up my alarm, if I wanted to access it. I was genuinely surprised to hear that for some people, their background music is a constant list of warnings, of things that could go terribly wrong.
Obviously, I worry about things too, but mostly prompted by concrete happenings. And then I come up with a strategy and that helps.
posted by Omnomnom at 3:26 PM on July 15, 2023 [5 favorites]
For myself this is true. My brain is constantly processing my ridiculous, massive to-do list and getting distracted by interesting things happening. That's the backgfound music of my brain. I would have to actively call up my alarm, if I wanted to access it. I was genuinely surprised to hear that for some people, their background music is a constant list of warnings, of things that could go terribly wrong.
Obviously, I worry about things too, but mostly prompted by concrete happenings. And then I come up with a strategy and that helps.
posted by Omnomnom at 3:26 PM on July 15, 2023 [5 favorites]
As a 60-something, generally non-anxious adult, all I can say is the vast, overwhelming majority of moments are not preludes to disaster. Yes, a bad thing can happen anytime, to anyone. But statistically, bad things don't happen to any particular person very often. To me, it's simply never been worth my time or mental health to worry about random occurrences happening at any time.
Obviously, YMMV. There are people who are more susceptible to anxiety than I am. One of my children is one, as is my wife...not as susceptible as you appear to be, but enough that they take medication for it, which has helped both of them a great deal.
That doesn't mean that I, or anyone else who isn't "anxious" in the clinical or other senses of the term, don't think nothing will happen to them. We live our lives by taking precautions, by cultivating awareness of our surroundings (imperfectly...sometimes we do just blithely ignore near-misses), etc. We wore masks during the pandemic, got vaccinated, and minimized our time in crowded areas. We try to drive defensively. We thank heavens at least weekly that our children graduated from high school long before this golden age of mass shootings. But we also often wear our Airpods at Walmart, find ourselves going ten miles over the speed limit and pushing yellow lights.
And when we survive a near miss, we thank God or luck or whoever, hype up our awareness for a little while, and go on about our days. When something bad happens, we do the best we can to muddle through it. Because that is life, and surviving it is what we do, until we don't, and in the long run none of us will.
I think a lot of my own answer to anxiety is realizing that I control very little about my life and circumstances, so I do my best to control what little I can, and to control my reactions to the rest (yes, Stoicism and I once shared a seat on a bus, and a little of it rubbed off).
posted by lhauser at 3:31 PM on July 15, 2023 [9 favorites]
Obviously, YMMV. There are people who are more susceptible to anxiety than I am. One of my children is one, as is my wife...not as susceptible as you appear to be, but enough that they take medication for it, which has helped both of them a great deal.
That doesn't mean that I, or anyone else who isn't "anxious" in the clinical or other senses of the term, don't think nothing will happen to them. We live our lives by taking precautions, by cultivating awareness of our surroundings (imperfectly...sometimes we do just blithely ignore near-misses), etc. We wore masks during the pandemic, got vaccinated, and minimized our time in crowded areas. We try to drive defensively. We thank heavens at least weekly that our children graduated from high school long before this golden age of mass shootings. But we also often wear our Airpods at Walmart, find ourselves going ten miles over the speed limit and pushing yellow lights.
And when we survive a near miss, we thank God or luck or whoever, hype up our awareness for a little while, and go on about our days. When something bad happens, we do the best we can to muddle through it. Because that is life, and surviving it is what we do, until we don't, and in the long run none of us will.
I think a lot of my own answer to anxiety is realizing that I control very little about my life and circumstances, so I do my best to control what little I can, and to control my reactions to the rest (yes, Stoicism and I once shared a seat on a bus, and a little of it rubbed off).
posted by lhauser at 3:31 PM on July 15, 2023 [9 favorites]
I have had periods of panic disorder, uncontrolled OCD-related rumination, life-hampering existential dread. And one of the things that gets me even when I’m doing well is that my obsessive thoughts aren’t wrong. My husband used to call my meds “denial pills” since they allowed me to avoid thinking about how I was perhaps one heartbeat away from unimaginable suffering at any time, as was everyone else. But those thoughts weren’t how I wanted to spend my limited time on this earth, even if they were technically not wrong. So I take my meds and breathe in a bag and manage to keep my brain mostly out of those grooves.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 3:40 PM on July 15, 2023 [9 favorites]
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 3:40 PM on July 15, 2023 [9 favorites]
When I was younger, I had a lot of anxiety about the fact that I or the people I cared about could die (or get a terrible diagnosis or a life-changing injury) at any moment. The way I dealt with it was to assume this was already true, and live accordingly. Is there anything important that feels unsaid? Say it. Is there a life ambition left unrealized? Go make it happen. You could die tomorrow, make it happen today. This actually gave me a lot of security, because from that moment on, I knew that I had done the very best I could in the time I had.
posted by danceswithlight at 4:16 PM on July 15, 2023 [11 favorites]
posted by danceswithlight at 4:16 PM on July 15, 2023 [11 favorites]
The most logical thing is not to be anxious because it won't prevent bad things from happening and it keeps you from enjoying the times when nothing bad is happening. You don't have to feel constant dread and terror to drive the speed limit or avoid using power tools in dangerous ways. You just have to understand the risks and the appropriate safety measures to reduce them and choose to do the safer thing. Obviously, there are many horrible things that could happen at any moment. But obviously it make your life worse to spend time imagining and fearing those things. So the logical approach to life is to act in a reasonably safe and responsible way, worry as little as possible and enjoy whatever is good right now.
But people don't logic themselves into feeling or not feeling anxiety. It seems to be largely something your body does on its own without consulting the logical part of your brain. If your body has a tendency to do anxiety, your brain can easily find a lot of good reasons for being anxious. If your body tends not to do anxiety you can find plenty of good reasons for being happy and not worrying. Either way, your feelings seem like reasonable responses to the way things are but they're probably caused more by your individual brain chemistry than by how things objectively are.
posted by Redstart at 4:43 PM on July 15, 2023 [6 favorites]
But people don't logic themselves into feeling or not feeling anxiety. It seems to be largely something your body does on its own without consulting the logical part of your brain. If your body has a tendency to do anxiety, your brain can easily find a lot of good reasons for being anxious. If your body tends not to do anxiety you can find plenty of good reasons for being happy and not worrying. Either way, your feelings seem like reasonable responses to the way things are but they're probably caused more by your individual brain chemistry than by how things objectively are.
posted by Redstart at 4:43 PM on July 15, 2023 [6 favorites]
The vast vast majority of those bad things your brain is “warning” you about don’t happen. Your brain is trying to force your attention away from a decent life by hijacking it with this worthless nonsense. If something happens, you can evaluate it and then cope with it, once you know what it is. But until that point, it isn’t logical to be upset about things that your brain MADE UP to scare you with.
The “logical” question is why is your brain trying to scare you all the time without cause? Other people with this kind of brain have fixed it after they realized it was the equivalent of a misfiring smoke alarm in their house. What have they done?
posted by Vatnesine at 5:17 PM on July 15, 2023 [4 favorites]
The “logical” question is why is your brain trying to scare you all the time without cause? Other people with this kind of brain have fixed it after they realized it was the equivalent of a misfiring smoke alarm in their house. What have they done?
posted by Vatnesine at 5:17 PM on July 15, 2023 [4 favorites]
to me, it makes sense to be anxious, and I don’t understand how to not be anxious logically
Anxiety has a cost. If I was more anxious, there are a lot of positive experiences I wouldn't have had. Anxiety can also be dangerous - if you're actual in a crisis, it doesn't help to feel anxious, it helps to have calm focus on getting out of the dangerous situation.
My partner is more anxious than me, and something I've realized is he often perceives me as being "unbothered, and think[ing] nothing bad will ever happen" (to quote you), when really it's that I've just assessed the risk differently than he has and/or have previously prepared myself for such a risk. So while yes, non-anxious people I think genuinely don't bother worrying about very low-probability events like "what if a mass shooter enters the movie theater," you might be underestimating how much non-anxious people do engage in risk assessment/risk mitigation - it just might not be visible to you, since it doesn't resemble your own assessment/mitigation.
posted by coffeecat at 5:34 PM on July 15, 2023 [25 favorites]
Anxiety has a cost. If I was more anxious, there are a lot of positive experiences I wouldn't have had. Anxiety can also be dangerous - if you're actual in a crisis, it doesn't help to feel anxious, it helps to have calm focus on getting out of the dangerous situation.
My partner is more anxious than me, and something I've realized is he often perceives me as being "unbothered, and think[ing] nothing bad will ever happen" (to quote you), when really it's that I've just assessed the risk differently than he has and/or have previously prepared myself for such a risk. So while yes, non-anxious people I think genuinely don't bother worrying about very low-probability events like "what if a mass shooter enters the movie theater," you might be underestimating how much non-anxious people do engage in risk assessment/risk mitigation - it just might not be visible to you, since it doesn't resemble your own assessment/mitigation.
posted by coffeecat at 5:34 PM on July 15, 2023 [25 favorites]
Yeah, I'm a "let's plan for the glass half empty possibility" kind of person. Ms. Windo is the opposite. But, while I have a ton of anxiety, she's the one who has anxiety attacks that she can't function through.
Something bad can always happen. But, most of the time, those bad things don't happen. You can plan for them, but when the bad things do happen, there's going to be things you haven't planned for. And then you just have to deal with them, one step at a time. So freaking out about the bad stuff that might happen, when they haven't, is hurtful to you. So just accept that the world is terrible, but you are going to do what you can to not let the world ruin you. Because you can't fix all the things.
posted by Windopaene at 6:37 PM on July 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
Something bad can always happen. But, most of the time, those bad things don't happen. You can plan for them, but when the bad things do happen, there's going to be things you haven't planned for. And then you just have to deal with them, one step at a time. So freaking out about the bad stuff that might happen, when they haven't, is hurtful to you. So just accept that the world is terrible, but you are going to do what you can to not let the world ruin you. Because you can't fix all the things.
posted by Windopaene at 6:37 PM on July 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
As a generally non-anxious person, I have the ability to tamp down my occasional bouts of anxiety by telling myself that I am actively harming myself by ruminating on risks I have cannot mitigate at that moment. This is sometimes my last conscious thought before I relax and fall asleep -- I may be able to to address some vexing workplace problem first thing the next morning after I get to the office, but I'm not going to convene that meeting or pick up that file or write that email while I lay in the dark in my pajamas at 1 a.m. So why should I rob myself of much needed sleep by thinking about that problem? Worrying about problems that you are powerless to mitigate comes at a cost. You needlessly lose sleep, you needlessly lose the ability to appreciate the vast, vast majority of moments in your life in which you aren't beset by catastrophe.
You ask, "I don't how to not be anxious logically." But it's not logical to be anxious over problems you cannot, at that moment, fix. It's not logical to immiserate yourself at all times by constantly thinking about problems that are highly unlikely to occur and that you are highly unlikely to prevent occurring.
posted by hhc5 at 6:45 PM on July 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
You ask, "I don't how to not be anxious logically." But it's not logical to be anxious over problems you cannot, at that moment, fix. It's not logical to immiserate yourself at all times by constantly thinking about problems that are highly unlikely to occur and that you are highly unlikely to prevent occurring.
posted by hhc5 at 6:45 PM on July 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
The most important realization for me was… worrying about those horrible things that might happen doesn’t actually HELP me, or improve my life in any way whatsoever.
Once I had that realization, it became much easier to work towards thinking about those horrible things less.
posted by mekily at 8:15 PM on July 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
Once I had that realization, it became much easier to work towards thinking about those horrible things less.
posted by mekily at 8:15 PM on July 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
I guess I'm the queen of DGAF amongst my friends and acquaintances. I'm Buddhist so practicing non-attachment is a core tenet. It's also really hard, and there's tons of books and seminars and practices for learning it. That plus compassion (for the self and others) are probably the hardest to regularly practice but really, if you try to work them into your life it can be life changing.
Notice I don't suggest learning "mindfulness". That's been so co-opted by Western productivity culture I wouldn't recommend starting there. Just jump right to the hard part. Haha. 😨
posted by fiercekitten at 9:19 PM on July 15, 2023 [7 favorites]
Notice I don't suggest learning "mindfulness". That's been so co-opted by Western productivity culture I wouldn't recommend starting there. Just jump right to the hard part. Haha. 😨
posted by fiercekitten at 9:19 PM on July 15, 2023 [7 favorites]
How do people go about their days feeling calm and peaceful
So, I don't get nearly as much anxiety you do, but I wouldn't say I feel peaceful all the time. I worry about stuff, I sometimes get anxious thoughts about possible horribles, but they are at a much lower volume, I think. The other stuff happening here now ends up drowning them out. Sometimes I have periods where I feel quite unsettled and have a lot more of those thoughts, but that's usually related to feeling insecure or unsettled about something else going on in my life.
(COVID shutdowns gave me a whole year of no anxiety. The demonstrably horrible stuff happening in the world was so big and so important, and my locus of control so minimal, that there didn't seem to be anything left in me to worry. This was totally irrational- objectively, my family and I were substantially made less safe from COVID- but that's how I reacted. Anxiety is weird and not to be trusted)
posted by BungaDunga at 9:30 PM on July 15, 2023
So, I don't get nearly as much anxiety you do, but I wouldn't say I feel peaceful all the time. I worry about stuff, I sometimes get anxious thoughts about possible horribles, but they are at a much lower volume, I think. The other stuff happening here now ends up drowning them out. Sometimes I have periods where I feel quite unsettled and have a lot more of those thoughts, but that's usually related to feeling insecure or unsettled about something else going on in my life.
(COVID shutdowns gave me a whole year of no anxiety. The demonstrably horrible stuff happening in the world was so big and so important, and my locus of control so minimal, that there didn't seem to be anything left in me to worry. This was totally irrational- objectively, my family and I were substantially made less safe from COVID- but that's how I reacted. Anxiety is weird and not to be trusted)
posted by BungaDunga at 9:30 PM on July 15, 2023
A lot of people simply aren’t paying attention. Their brains aren’t wired that way.
I was born like you and the biggest psychological payoff has come from surrendering the idea that I have control over what happens. I can take some precautions but my ability to deal with things as they come is far more important. My trust in that ability is what keeps me from making mountains from molehills.
I won’t say my life is free from anxiety but that’s how I live day to day without it being present every moment.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:36 PM on July 15, 2023
I was born like you and the biggest psychological payoff has come from surrendering the idea that I have control over what happens. I can take some precautions but my ability to deal with things as they come is far more important. My trust in that ability is what keeps me from making mountains from molehills.
I won’t say my life is free from anxiety but that’s how I live day to day without it being present every moment.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:36 PM on July 15, 2023
I went on meds that severely reduced my anxiety and the difference was like - not having someone walking next to me reminding me of disaster all the time to that person sitting across the room occasionally coming over for a chat. It’s there but distanced and my self soothing strategies developed over untreated years are very effective now.
As to disaster - I went through the same terrible thing with my children, one before meds and after. I am aware of the terrible thing now but it doesn’t consume my spare moments and paralyse me personally the way it did before. Same mountain, but I’m not half-dead with exhaustion at the top.
Someone I work with does not worry about worse case scenarios and it is very annoying because they get surprised when bad things happen. A reasonable amount of anxiety is a good and helpful thing
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 9:53 PM on July 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
As to disaster - I went through the same terrible thing with my children, one before meds and after. I am aware of the terrible thing now but it doesn’t consume my spare moments and paralyse me personally the way it did before. Same mountain, but I’m not half-dead with exhaustion at the top.
Someone I work with does not worry about worse case scenarios and it is very annoying because they get surprised when bad things happen. A reasonable amount of anxiety is a good and helpful thing
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 9:53 PM on July 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
I think it might be helpful to think through your answer to the opposite question. There are so many wonderful things that might happen to you in life - how can you spend your days feeling anxious and stressed, when something magical and amazing might be just around the next corner? Do you not know that good things can happen?
I think if you can answer this for yourself, your reasoning may well be similar to the reasons non anxious people have for not thinking about terrible things all the time.
But for me (and trust me, I know very well that terrible things can happen at any time) it's just that anxiety and forward planning are not the same thing. I don't need to constantly ruminate about traffic accidents in order to look both ways before I cross the road. I don't need to obsess every day about losing my job in order to reduce my expenses and start a savings account. If I'm worried I'll forget to do something important, I can just put a reminder in the calendar.
posted by quacks like a duck at 10:41 PM on July 15, 2023 [8 favorites]
I think if you can answer this for yourself, your reasoning may well be similar to the reasons non anxious people have for not thinking about terrible things all the time.
But for me (and trust me, I know very well that terrible things can happen at any time) it's just that anxiety and forward planning are not the same thing. I don't need to constantly ruminate about traffic accidents in order to look both ways before I cross the road. I don't need to obsess every day about losing my job in order to reduce my expenses and start a savings account. If I'm worried I'll forget to do something important, I can just put a reminder in the calendar.
posted by quacks like a duck at 10:41 PM on July 15, 2023 [8 favorites]
Others have said this but I want to reiterate: just because your anxieties are justified, just because the things you are worried about are "true" doesn't mean that you anxiety is serving a useful purpose..
Yeah, some people don't recognize that the various dangers and inequities of life. But I think a lot of people do recognize them but accept that being anxious about things doesn't actually help them (or other people) in any real way. Anxiety gets in the way of action, it gets in the way of paying attention (I know it *feels* like paying attention but in my experience anxious rumination is very inward-focused and generally doesn't give you any new understanding), it gets in the way of participating fully in the world.
The solution isn't "stop being anxious," it's more like, "notice when I am spiraling, try to break that cycle, and either act or let this go so I can free up my time and attention to spend on things I actually value."
Like, I used to get really anxious about a small leak in my roof, and every time it rained hard I would be up in my attic, checking to see if it was getting worse. This went on for months, maybe over a year. Then, finally, I asked a friend who I knew had had her roof repaired if she recommended the people who did her roof, I called her roofers, and they came and took a look at it and fixed it. Months of lying awake on rainy nights did me no good. Two texts and a phone call and some money solved the problem.
Obviously sometimes you can't just call a roofer, but as more "out of my control" bad things happen in my life (and they just do, as you keep on living), I realized that worrying about them doesn't help either. And honestly the worst things that have happened to me, personally, were not even on my "things I'm worried about" punch card.
posted by mskyle at 12:56 AM on July 16, 2023 [8 favorites]
Yeah, some people don't recognize that the various dangers and inequities of life. But I think a lot of people do recognize them but accept that being anxious about things doesn't actually help them (or other people) in any real way. Anxiety gets in the way of action, it gets in the way of paying attention (I know it *feels* like paying attention but in my experience anxious rumination is very inward-focused and generally doesn't give you any new understanding), it gets in the way of participating fully in the world.
The solution isn't "stop being anxious," it's more like, "notice when I am spiraling, try to break that cycle, and either act or let this go so I can free up my time and attention to spend on things I actually value."
Like, I used to get really anxious about a small leak in my roof, and every time it rained hard I would be up in my attic, checking to see if it was getting worse. This went on for months, maybe over a year. Then, finally, I asked a friend who I knew had had her roof repaired if she recommended the people who did her roof, I called her roofers, and they came and took a look at it and fixed it. Months of lying awake on rainy nights did me no good. Two texts and a phone call and some money solved the problem.
Obviously sometimes you can't just call a roofer, but as more "out of my control" bad things happen in my life (and they just do, as you keep on living), I realized that worrying about them doesn't help either. And honestly the worst things that have happened to me, personally, were not even on my "things I'm worried about" punch card.
posted by mskyle at 12:56 AM on July 16, 2023 [8 favorites]
I watched Bridge of Spies the other day, and Tom Hanks' lawyer character was frustrated at Mark Rylance's spy character for not being worried about the perilous situation he faced.
"Why aren't you worried?"
"Would it help?"
To the extent it's possible to cultivate this attitude, I think it's useful. I have a tendency to anxiety but can often successfully suppress it and operate calmly in crises, because I can focus on what is most useful at a particular moment.
posted by altolinguistic at 2:09 AM on July 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
"Why aren't you worried?"
"Would it help?"
To the extent it's possible to cultivate this attitude, I think it's useful. I have a tendency to anxiety but can often successfully suppress it and operate calmly in crises, because I can focus on what is most useful at a particular moment.
posted by altolinguistic at 2:09 AM on July 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
I have a very complicated history and also am diagnosed with GAD. But what opened my eyes the most was how I almost died in graduate school because of how a professor that I trusted, used her anxiety as a way to condemn me and send me into a situation that really could have resulted in my death.
In recovering from the trauma of that experience and how it resulted in a whole new slew of anxiety that haunted me for the rest of my time, it made me realize that it's like driving a car -- if you fixate on how you are going to crash, you are going to crash because that's where your focus is. Doing Dialectical Behavior Therapy has helped a lot, and a lot of my current research is about how sensory inputs can be a good way of resetting your vagus nerve to knock yourself out of a panic attack. I prefer an ice pack to my chest. But ultimately? It's a lot of practice and rewiring and trying and validating and interrupting. I have moved on from that traumatic event, but the only thing I can control now is my own reaction and my own anxiety, in any future situation. I am deciding to not be paranoid about the next time an authority figure might be really toxic, because I have different and better coping mechanisms this time, and I will be able to handle it better next time.
posted by yueliang at 2:26 AM on July 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
In recovering from the trauma of that experience and how it resulted in a whole new slew of anxiety that haunted me for the rest of my time, it made me realize that it's like driving a car -- if you fixate on how you are going to crash, you are going to crash because that's where your focus is. Doing Dialectical Behavior Therapy has helped a lot, and a lot of my current research is about how sensory inputs can be a good way of resetting your vagus nerve to knock yourself out of a panic attack. I prefer an ice pack to my chest. But ultimately? It's a lot of practice and rewiring and trying and validating and interrupting. I have moved on from that traumatic event, but the only thing I can control now is my own reaction and my own anxiety, in any future situation. I am deciding to not be paranoid about the next time an authority figure might be really toxic, because I have different and better coping mechanisms this time, and I will be able to handle it better next time.
posted by yueliang at 2:26 AM on July 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
Some of us are more likely to be more anxious due to genetics, childhood, etc. Anxiety can make life so much harder, I totally get it, but there are also so many ways to treat and manage it; I'm glad you have been exploring those and finding what works best for you.
These days I'm rarely anxious or at least rarely anxious like I was before. I take a low dose of an SSRI to help manage but the biggest help was talk therapy and then experiencing horrible life events that tested me but I survived. Now I go through life trying not to sweat the small stuff (to borrow a trite phrase that's not very sensitive to those of us with anxiety.) Moreover, I know I can and will survive the tragedies. I think that's what living a less anxious life means to me -- it's not that the fears are less, it's just that my resilience is greater.
posted by smorgasbord at 4:12 AM on July 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
These days I'm rarely anxious or at least rarely anxious like I was before. I take a low dose of an SSRI to help manage but the biggest help was talk therapy and then experiencing horrible life events that tested me but I survived. Now I go through life trying not to sweat the small stuff (to borrow a trite phrase that's not very sensitive to those of us with anxiety.) Moreover, I know I can and will survive the tragedies. I think that's what living a less anxious life means to me -- it's not that the fears are less, it's just that my resilience is greater.
posted by smorgasbord at 4:12 AM on July 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I guess I should clarify: I understand all the logical reasons not to be anxious that people have listed here. I do my best to not ruminate and to focus on positive things.
Still, the fact that my old age is likely to be very uncomfortable makes life hard to enjoy, even though I know the best thing to do would be to try to enjoy it anyway. It's like trying to savour your last meal when you know you're going to be executed right afterwards. How can a person learn to do this?
posted by wheatlets at 4:59 AM on July 16, 2023
Still, the fact that my old age is likely to be very uncomfortable makes life hard to enjoy, even though I know the best thing to do would be to try to enjoy it anyway. It's like trying to savour your last meal when you know you're going to be executed right afterwards. How can a person learn to do this?
posted by wheatlets at 4:59 AM on July 16, 2023
I don't think about the things I can't bear to think about. I'm not saying this is a good way to be; it does add extra stress, and yes, more anxiety when I can't avoid/procrastinate any further.
That's my coping mechanism so it wasn't anything I had to learn. Hopefully others have better tips, but I think it would revolve around being really present in the moment and blocking out thoughts about the future. Easier said than done, and if it doesn't come naturally it will probably take some conscious effort to "train" your brain in this way. But I truly believe it can be done. Best of luck to you.
posted by pianissimo at 5:34 AM on July 16, 2023
That's my coping mechanism so it wasn't anything I had to learn. Hopefully others have better tips, but I think it would revolve around being really present in the moment and blocking out thoughts about the future. Easier said than done, and if it doesn't come naturally it will probably take some conscious effort to "train" your brain in this way. But I truly believe it can be done. Best of luck to you.
posted by pianissimo at 5:34 AM on July 16, 2023
Two principles have helped me immensely as a life-long anxious vigilant (autistic) person.
The first is the Greek ataraxia, often translated as equanimity. The way I see it is well-depicted in Janelle Monae's Tightrope. Picture also: the fulcrum on a seesaw. Things are going to be high and low, but knowing where You are and being solid in that is a continuity that can keep you grounded in heady times and sure-footed in rough times.
The other I just made up a word for after noticing it in my life over and over and noticing that the noticing was good for me. Sfalurgia, or mistake magic. Tangentially, some of my favorite advice I ever received was in India, decades ago. An innkeeper told me, "Fall UP the mountain." The point is not not to fall. So often I make a silly mistake or meet obstructions and that leads things to come together in a way they wouldn't have otherwise, and it's better. I note this. Calling it out and welcoming it gives me a great buffer when things later go unexpectedly, because I can reference the pattern of the times that has actually turned out well.
posted by droomoord at 6:06 AM on July 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
The first is the Greek ataraxia, often translated as equanimity. The way I see it is well-depicted in Janelle Monae's Tightrope. Picture also: the fulcrum on a seesaw. Things are going to be high and low, but knowing where You are and being solid in that is a continuity that can keep you grounded in heady times and sure-footed in rough times.
The other I just made up a word for after noticing it in my life over and over and noticing that the noticing was good for me. Sfalurgia, or mistake magic. Tangentially, some of my favorite advice I ever received was in India, decades ago. An innkeeper told me, "Fall UP the mountain." The point is not not to fall. So often I make a silly mistake or meet obstructions and that leads things to come together in a way they wouldn't have otherwise, and it's better. I note this. Calling it out and welcoming it gives me a great buffer when things later go unexpectedly, because I can reference the pattern of the times that has actually turned out well.
posted by droomoord at 6:06 AM on July 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
AA is fond of the Serenity Prayer:
'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.'
Or, you may prefer the Doris Day version here.
posted by SemiSalt at 6:20 AM on July 16, 2023
'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.'
Or, you may prefer the Doris Day version here.
posted by SemiSalt at 6:20 AM on July 16, 2023
EIt's like trying to savour your last meal when you know you're going to be executed right afterwards. How can a person learn to do this?
One of the goals of meditation is to learn to be present in the current moment. It’s a useful skill as by default our minds tend to zip off to the past or future or just daydream if we don’t train them to lean towards the here and now.
It’s an important part of anxiety management for me. 20 minutes of breathing meditation (Harvard Health) every morning makes a huge difference.
Two things to know about it. First, you need to do it regularly. Second, the goal isn’t to keep your mind from wandering off but instead to get very good at helping it come back.
I highly recommend a using meditation timer app with an interval bell. A one minute interval is good for starting out.
So, yeah, twenty minutes a day and you can teach yourself the skill of being present.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:04 AM on July 16, 2023
One of the goals of meditation is to learn to be present in the current moment. It’s a useful skill as by default our minds tend to zip off to the past or future or just daydream if we don’t train them to lean towards the here and now.
It’s an important part of anxiety management for me. 20 minutes of breathing meditation (Harvard Health) every morning makes a huge difference.
Two things to know about it. First, you need to do it regularly. Second, the goal isn’t to keep your mind from wandering off but instead to get very good at helping it come back.
I highly recommend a using meditation timer app with an interval bell. A one minute interval is good for starting out.
So, yeah, twenty minutes a day and you can teach yourself the skill of being present.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:04 AM on July 16, 2023
How can a person learn to do this?
Practice is the only way.
I treat my anxiety as "one point of view". If my anxiety wants to ruin my day today over something that's maybe going to happen in the next several decades, that is certainly one point of view. But another point of view I can also have is: there's only so much I can do about it, I'm doing my best with the available options, and I get absolutely zero bonus points for ruining today about it.
And I think it's important to call our anxiety out on the bonus points thing. Nobody's going to give you a medal for worrying the best. It's not going to put a penny in your retirement account. People aren't going to come from miles around to admire how much you've ruined your day. You aren't virtuous for having soooo much concern or for making yourself the main character in global and systemic issues. It's not fixing anything.
So when you notice it happening, redirect and reframe. That's it, that's how you practice and make it a habit. Arm yourself with actual phrases, gestures, rituals, exercises, whatever it takes to snap a trap on the useless perseveration and reframe with perspective. One of the ways I practice this in my life is with the phrase "sleep time is not work time", which is a big anxiety problem for me. If something is coming up that I can actually make easier by doing prepwork or some kind of administrative planning (and it is NOT time to be doing something else like sleeping or working or taking care of some other Now Need in my life), I spent a few minutes knocking off a task that can be done today, or spend a few minutes working on The Plan for whatever does need to happen in a specific order, instead of just spinning my wheels.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:45 AM on July 16, 2023 [9 favorites]
Practice is the only way.
I treat my anxiety as "one point of view". If my anxiety wants to ruin my day today over something that's maybe going to happen in the next several decades, that is certainly one point of view. But another point of view I can also have is: there's only so much I can do about it, I'm doing my best with the available options, and I get absolutely zero bonus points for ruining today about it.
And I think it's important to call our anxiety out on the bonus points thing. Nobody's going to give you a medal for worrying the best. It's not going to put a penny in your retirement account. People aren't going to come from miles around to admire how much you've ruined your day. You aren't virtuous for having soooo much concern or for making yourself the main character in global and systemic issues. It's not fixing anything.
So when you notice it happening, redirect and reframe. That's it, that's how you practice and make it a habit. Arm yourself with actual phrases, gestures, rituals, exercises, whatever it takes to snap a trap on the useless perseveration and reframe with perspective. One of the ways I practice this in my life is with the phrase "sleep time is not work time", which is a big anxiety problem for me. If something is coming up that I can actually make easier by doing prepwork or some kind of administrative planning (and it is NOT time to be doing something else like sleeping or working or taking care of some other Now Need in my life), I spent a few minutes knocking off a task that can be done today, or spend a few minutes working on The Plan for whatever does need to happen in a specific order, instead of just spinning my wheels.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:45 AM on July 16, 2023 [9 favorites]
so many people seem genuinely unbothered, and think nothing bad will ever happen to them. Is that just a defence mechanism?
Humans have been reckoning with the existence of suffering since there have been humans. Why we suffer, and what it means to suffer, has been a part of our religions and philosophies since records began, and it's probably safe to assume that we have been thinking about it for as long as there has been thought.
So it's not that non-anxious people are ignorant; we know bad things can happen to us. It's that anxiety about things you can't prevent or change isn't adaptive; it does nothing to reduce your suffering and instead only adds to it. This is why anxiety disorders are disorders. Or in evolutionary terms: Some anxiety confers a survival benefit, because it prompts us to make smarter choices, but too much anxiety doesn't.
It sounds like your anxiety disorder is severe enough that you can't imagine understanding the existence of suffering while not living in constant fear of it. But that constant fear isn't actually the most logical response; it's brain chemistry gone a bit haywire.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 9:40 AM on July 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
Humans have been reckoning with the existence of suffering since there have been humans. Why we suffer, and what it means to suffer, has been a part of our religions and philosophies since records began, and it's probably safe to assume that we have been thinking about it for as long as there has been thought.
So it's not that non-anxious people are ignorant; we know bad things can happen to us. It's that anxiety about things you can't prevent or change isn't adaptive; it does nothing to reduce your suffering and instead only adds to it. This is why anxiety disorders are disorders. Or in evolutionary terms: Some anxiety confers a survival benefit, because it prompts us to make smarter choices, but too much anxiety doesn't.
It sounds like your anxiety disorder is severe enough that you can't imagine understanding the existence of suffering while not living in constant fear of it. But that constant fear isn't actually the most logical response; it's brain chemistry gone a bit haywire.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 9:40 AM on July 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
There's a useful distinction to be made between fear and anxiety.
Fear is useful, because it helps us react appropriately to the risky situations we encounter. When standing on the edge of a road waiting to cross it, the fear of being knocked over by an unseen car prompts looking both ways to make sure that no such car exists. The fear is adaptive.
Anxiety is more about making shit up and then expecting it to be awful - "I always knew!"
the fact that my old age is likely to be very uncomfortable makes life hard to enjoy
The way I deal with that and related anxieties is to remind myself that if the future is going to suck, let it suck then; don't let it fuck today up as well. If I'm going to be uncomfortable anyway, I'd rather get there with memories of a life well lived than one made miserable by anxiety.
My fear of discomfort in old age is a motivator to practise habits that promote good health. Which, you know, might not work, but probably will work better than practising being miserable. What can't be cured must be endured, and we might as well endure it with as much equanimity and good humour as we can muster.
It's like trying to savour your last meal when you know you're going to be executed right afterwards. How can a person learn to do this?
By treating it as a skill that needs to be learned and then honed by practising it, rather than as a prima facie absurdity or impossible mountain.
Another distinction worth making is the one between the experience of the emotion of anxiety and the behaviours - many of them habitual - that trigger and maintain that emotion.
In my experience, a certain amount of anxiety is unavoidable and just part of being a living human person. I will spend some of my time being anxious and there's no getting around it. So, when I'm experiencing anxiety I'm basically OK with the fact of having that experience. What I'm not at all OK with is useless, unproductive rumination.
Rumination is a thing that I do rather than an experience I have and one of the skills I've learned, and then honed by practice, is noticing when I'm doing that thing so I can shut it the fuck down. The effect of that has been that nowadays my anxieties are in no way disabling. I still find myself exploring the occasional disaster scenario (sometimes profitably, if the risk assessments involved are realistic) but because I no longer ruminate on aspects of foreseen disasters that I can do nothing about, it costs me little time or discomfort.
I intend to enjoy the shit out of my last meal, even if I'm pretty sure that it actually is the last one.
Gonna do my level best to enjoy dying, too. If I'm conscious as I go, I fully expect it to be really, really interesting. Dying is on my bucket list. It's the last thing on there. The second last item is the all-consuming opiate addiction, which I intend to acquire only once I'm too old and feeble to enjoy anything else; I think it's a good idea to put these things in the right order.
posted by flabdablet at 11:43 AM on July 16, 2023 [5 favorites]
Fear is useful, because it helps us react appropriately to the risky situations we encounter. When standing on the edge of a road waiting to cross it, the fear of being knocked over by an unseen car prompts looking both ways to make sure that no such car exists. The fear is adaptive.
Anxiety is more about making shit up and then expecting it to be awful - "I always knew!"
the fact that my old age is likely to be very uncomfortable makes life hard to enjoy
The way I deal with that and related anxieties is to remind myself that if the future is going to suck, let it suck then; don't let it fuck today up as well. If I'm going to be uncomfortable anyway, I'd rather get there with memories of a life well lived than one made miserable by anxiety.
My fear of discomfort in old age is a motivator to practise habits that promote good health. Which, you know, might not work, but probably will work better than practising being miserable. What can't be cured must be endured, and we might as well endure it with as much equanimity and good humour as we can muster.
It's like trying to savour your last meal when you know you're going to be executed right afterwards. How can a person learn to do this?
By treating it as a skill that needs to be learned and then honed by practising it, rather than as a prima facie absurdity or impossible mountain.
Another distinction worth making is the one between the experience of the emotion of anxiety and the behaviours - many of them habitual - that trigger and maintain that emotion.
In my experience, a certain amount of anxiety is unavoidable and just part of being a living human person. I will spend some of my time being anxious and there's no getting around it. So, when I'm experiencing anxiety I'm basically OK with the fact of having that experience. What I'm not at all OK with is useless, unproductive rumination.
Rumination is a thing that I do rather than an experience I have and one of the skills I've learned, and then honed by practice, is noticing when I'm doing that thing so I can shut it the fuck down. The effect of that has been that nowadays my anxieties are in no way disabling. I still find myself exploring the occasional disaster scenario (sometimes profitably, if the risk assessments involved are realistic) but because I no longer ruminate on aspects of foreseen disasters that I can do nothing about, it costs me little time or discomfort.
I intend to enjoy the shit out of my last meal, even if I'm pretty sure that it actually is the last one.
Gonna do my level best to enjoy dying, too. If I'm conscious as I go, I fully expect it to be really, really interesting. Dying is on my bucket list. It's the last thing on there. The second last item is the all-consuming opiate addiction, which I intend to acquire only once I'm too old and feeble to enjoy anything else; I think it's a good idea to put these things in the right order.
posted by flabdablet at 11:43 AM on July 16, 2023 [5 favorites]
it’s impossible not to notice all the near misses
Near misses are gifts. Both our own and other people's. Near misses are the best resources we have for informing our sense of risk assessment.
I think a lot of anxiety is a consequence of habitually focusing more on what was missed than on on how it was missed, and how near the miss was; in effect, treating every near miss as an imagined hit for a bit of the old disaster porn frisson.
Doing that, to my way of thinking, is spurning the gift. It's essentially just rude. I try not to do it much.
posted by flabdablet at 11:55 AM on July 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
Near misses are gifts. Both our own and other people's. Near misses are the best resources we have for informing our sense of risk assessment.
I think a lot of anxiety is a consequence of habitually focusing more on what was missed than on on how it was missed, and how near the miss was; in effect, treating every near miss as an imagined hit for a bit of the old disaster porn frisson.
Doing that, to my way of thinking, is spurning the gift. It's essentially just rude. I try not to do it much.
posted by flabdablet at 11:55 AM on July 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
I suspect your anxiety will pick anything. But if aging is what really bothers you, you can also lean into that. People thrive at various ages. My piano teacher lived to 98 years old, and at 96 she was still walking over to a local nursing home and singing (she was also an opera singer) "for the old people." Maybe you haven't had the opportunity to meet active, happy seniors. More likely your brain is being a jerk.
I used to be hypervigilant, and I can still in a hot minute identify 25 terrible things that could happen in the next 24 hours. That's not the same as physical anxiety, which I have also had. Do you know which yours is?
In my case, my anxiety was rooted in childhood and it basically came from three beliefs. 1. I didn't deserve/would experience bad things as a default, 2. I wouldn't be able to be okay if something bad happened, 3. No one would help me. Those were rational in my childhood but they aren't really a fact. I have suffered as an adult - grief, loss, pain, physical injury - and there's also been so much joy.
Bracing is tiring.
Here are my questions for you.
1. Are you moving your body every day, maybe enough to sweat? for a minimum of 20 minutes?
2. Are you seeking out things you enjoy in life. Both small things - this cherry season here where I am has been awesome for small treats. But also art and music and movies and books that inspire you and tell the story of decency and happiness?
3. Are you actively treating yourself like a loved child or partner - are you finding for yourself songs you like, opportunities to celebrate, walks in the grass?
Anxiety is a horrible thief. It steals the present in favour of a potential future. If it freezes us up, we miss so much. I hope you find ways to take the present back.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:04 PM on July 16, 2023 [7 favorites]
I used to be hypervigilant, and I can still in a hot minute identify 25 terrible things that could happen in the next 24 hours. That's not the same as physical anxiety, which I have also had. Do you know which yours is?
In my case, my anxiety was rooted in childhood and it basically came from three beliefs. 1. I didn't deserve/would experience bad things as a default, 2. I wouldn't be able to be okay if something bad happened, 3. No one would help me. Those were rational in my childhood but they aren't really a fact. I have suffered as an adult - grief, loss, pain, physical injury - and there's also been so much joy.
Bracing is tiring.
Here are my questions for you.
1. Are you moving your body every day, maybe enough to sweat? for a minimum of 20 minutes?
2. Are you seeking out things you enjoy in life. Both small things - this cherry season here where I am has been awesome for small treats. But also art and music and movies and books that inspire you and tell the story of decency and happiness?
3. Are you actively treating yourself like a loved child or partner - are you finding for yourself songs you like, opportunities to celebrate, walks in the grass?
Anxiety is a horrible thief. It steals the present in favour of a potential future. If it freezes us up, we miss so much. I hope you find ways to take the present back.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:04 PM on July 16, 2023 [7 favorites]
so many people seem genuinely unbothered, and think nothing bad will ever happen to them. Is that just a defence mechanism?
For me it’s more ‚I‘ll cross that bridge when I come to it‘. Bad things happen to all people. I‘m all about taking reasonable measures to be safe, plan ahead etc. But beyond that, I‘d prefer not to waste my time and energy fretting about things largely outside my control. And I also take comfort in the fact that I was able to deal with the bad things that have happened to date.
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:17 PM on July 16, 2023
For me it’s more ‚I‘ll cross that bridge when I come to it‘. Bad things happen to all people. I‘m all about taking reasonable measures to be safe, plan ahead etc. But beyond that, I‘d prefer not to waste my time and energy fretting about things largely outside my control. And I also take comfort in the fact that I was able to deal with the bad things that have happened to date.
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:17 PM on July 16, 2023
I also take comfort in the fact that I was able to deal with the bad things that have happened to date.
That one was huge for me. As a young man I used to suffer from massive performance anxiety every time I started a new job, and the main thing that helped me get over that was noticing that actually I'd felt the same way starting every job but had, in fact, risen to the new challenges pretty quickly and done just fine every damn time and that I would probably be better off just trusting myself to make that happen this time around as well.
And in fact rising to new challenges became faster, not harder, with less performance anxiety keeping me miserable. So it's been my experience that a belief in the necessity or appropriateness or adaptivity of anxiety is mistaken.
so many people seem genuinely unbothered, and think nothing bad will ever happen to them. Is that just a defence mechanism?
In quite a lot of people, I think you'll find that what that is is a front. Anxiety is pretty heavily stigmatized, so there's a lot of social gain to be had from keeping it under wraps to the greatest extent achievable. Comparing your own unfiltered internal blooper reel to everybody else's public edit is inevitably going to skew your assessments and leave you feeling worse about yourself.
That exact comparison is heavily encouraged on social media, which is one of the reasons why getting off social media has been definitively shown to help reduce anxiety.
posted by flabdablet at 10:06 PM on July 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
That one was huge for me. As a young man I used to suffer from massive performance anxiety every time I started a new job, and the main thing that helped me get over that was noticing that actually I'd felt the same way starting every job but had, in fact, risen to the new challenges pretty quickly and done just fine every damn time and that I would probably be better off just trusting myself to make that happen this time around as well.
And in fact rising to new challenges became faster, not harder, with less performance anxiety keeping me miserable. So it's been my experience that a belief in the necessity or appropriateness or adaptivity of anxiety is mistaken.
so many people seem genuinely unbothered, and think nothing bad will ever happen to them. Is that just a defence mechanism?
In quite a lot of people, I think you'll find that what that is is a front. Anxiety is pretty heavily stigmatized, so there's a lot of social gain to be had from keeping it under wraps to the greatest extent achievable. Comparing your own unfiltered internal blooper reel to everybody else's public edit is inevitably going to skew your assessments and leave you feeling worse about yourself.
That exact comparison is heavily encouraged on social media, which is one of the reasons why getting off social media has been definitively shown to help reduce anxiety.
posted by flabdablet at 10:06 PM on July 16, 2023 [3 favorites]
It's not a fix but it's part of the solution: what are activities you really enjoy doing? Ones where you find yourself less anxious or even briefly forget your fears? Identify them and do them as much as possible. Perhaps the worries and fears will always be a big part of your life but having lots of joy will also distract you from them, even temporarily.
posted by smorgasbord at 6:52 AM on July 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by smorgasbord at 6:52 AM on July 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
Still, the fact that my old age is likely to be very uncomfortable makes life hard to enjoy, even though I know the best thing to do would be to try to enjoy it anyway. It's like trying to savour your last meal when you know you're going to be executed right afterwards. How can a person learn to do this?
Yeah okay but "someday I might be old and uncomfortable" is nothing even remotely, on any level, equivalent to "the state is going to murder me after this meal." Maybe this was just a bad simile but it sounds a bit like you think all bad things are equivalently bad, and if so definitely start interrogating that, because that shit will ruin your life.
I don't know if I qualify as an officially non-anxious person but I am a person who can absolutely put my anxieties in their proper place when there's something much better to pay attention to in the present. Why in the name of seven gods would I let something that might happen to me in 25 years ruin this burrito I have right now? It's a good burrito! I paid good money for it. I'm enjoyin' this fuckin burrito. Have you had burritos? They're real fuckin good.
Is it possible that actually, in addition to having anxiety, that you are depressed? If you're unable to enjoy things due to depression, your brain will start to invent stories about why you can't enjoy things, and "because someday bad things" is as good a bullshit story as any.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:29 AM on July 17, 2023 [5 favorites]
Yeah okay but "someday I might be old and uncomfortable" is nothing even remotely, on any level, equivalent to "the state is going to murder me after this meal." Maybe this was just a bad simile but it sounds a bit like you think all bad things are equivalently bad, and if so definitely start interrogating that, because that shit will ruin your life.
I don't know if I qualify as an officially non-anxious person but I am a person who can absolutely put my anxieties in their proper place when there's something much better to pay attention to in the present. Why in the name of seven gods would I let something that might happen to me in 25 years ruin this burrito I have right now? It's a good burrito! I paid good money for it. I'm enjoyin' this fuckin burrito. Have you had burritos? They're real fuckin good.
Is it possible that actually, in addition to having anxiety, that you are depressed? If you're unable to enjoy things due to depression, your brain will start to invent stories about why you can't enjoy things, and "because someday bad things" is as good a bullshit story as any.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:29 AM on July 17, 2023 [5 favorites]
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If your response to the above is "but if I'm not terribly upset about these things happening, how will I be motivated to act to prevent them!?!?", it turns out (news to me in my late 20s) that some people have strong executive functioning/getting-things-done skills that don't depend on fear. It is possible that treating your anxiety will result in a temporary decrease in your life effectiveness, but having gone through this, these decreases have remedies (including but not limited to treating the ADHD you could turn out to have) and the tradeoff is *worth* it. Anxiety can be a blunt instrument but there are other tools out there.
posted by heyforfour at 3:04 PM on July 15, 2023 [27 favorites]