Encapsulating a life in a poem
June 19, 2023 4:33 PM Subscribe
I am looking for a short reading for a memorial service that will evoke the personality of the deceased - a woman who was known for kindness and generosity and who lovingly served the needs of her family throughout her life. She deserves something that truly evokes how much people loved her and how much she gave to others.
In a draft of her own obituary, she wrote that her greatest pride and source of joy was a her marriage and raising her children. She had an expansive definition of family - including foster kids, step-grandkids and others. Her childhood included a mentally ill parent, forced immigration due to war, prejudice in the new country and yet she always was always open and kind to both friends and strangers and resolved to "do one better for the next guy"
She was cheerful, generous and gave unconditional love. She managed the household and then her husband's business and kept everything afloat through some tough times. She was modest but people who knew her, loved her. If I can't find anything else, I might use Woman of Valor (from the Book of Proverbs in the Bible) but I'm hoping you can help me do better.
In a draft of her own obituary, she wrote that her greatest pride and source of joy was a her marriage and raising her children. She had an expansive definition of family - including foster kids, step-grandkids and others. Her childhood included a mentally ill parent, forced immigration due to war, prejudice in the new country and yet she always was always open and kind to both friends and strangers and resolved to "do one better for the next guy"
She was cheerful, generous and gave unconditional love. She managed the household and then her husband's business and kept everything afloat through some tough times. She was modest but people who knew her, loved her. If I can't find anything else, I might use Woman of Valor (from the Book of Proverbs in the Bible) but I'm hoping you can help me do better.
Epitaph by Merrit Malloy
When I die
Give what’s left of me away
To children
And old men that wait to die.
And if you need to cry,
Cry for your brother
Walking the street beside you.
And when you need me,
Put your arms
Around anyone
And give them
What you need to give to me.
I want to leave you something,
Something better
Than words
Or sounds.
Look for me
In the people I’ve known
Or loved,
And if you cannot give me away,
At least let me live on in your eyes
And not your mind.
You can love me most
By letting
Hands touch hands,
By letting bodies touch bodies,
And by letting go
Of children
That need to be free.
Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give me away.
posted by Sassyfras at 5:04 PM on June 19, 2023 [21 favorites]
When I die
Give what’s left of me away
To children
And old men that wait to die.
And if you need to cry,
Cry for your brother
Walking the street beside you.
And when you need me,
Put your arms
Around anyone
And give them
What you need to give to me.
I want to leave you something,
Something better
Than words
Or sounds.
Look for me
In the people I’ve known
Or loved,
And if you cannot give me away,
At least let me live on in your eyes
And not your mind.
You can love me most
By letting
Hands touch hands,
By letting bodies touch bodies,
And by letting go
Of children
That need to be free.
Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give me away.
posted by Sassyfras at 5:04 PM on June 19, 2023 [21 favorites]
Best answer: She is as in a field a silken tent
At midday when the sunny summer breeze
Has dried the dew and all its ropes relent,
So that in guys it gently sways at ease,
And its supporting central cedar pole,
That is its pinnacle to heavenward
And signifies the sureness of the soul,
Seems to owe naught to any single cord,
But strictly held by none, is loosely bound
By countless silken ties of love and thought
To every thing on earth the compass round,
And only by one's going slightly taut
In the capriciousness of summer air
Is of the slightest bondage made aware.
Robert Frost
posted by clew at 5:23 PM on June 19, 2023 [8 favorites]
At midday when the sunny summer breeze
Has dried the dew and all its ropes relent,
So that in guys it gently sways at ease,
And its supporting central cedar pole,
That is its pinnacle to heavenward
And signifies the sureness of the soul,
Seems to owe naught to any single cord,
But strictly held by none, is loosely bound
By countless silken ties of love and thought
To every thing on earth the compass round,
And only by one's going slightly taut
In the capriciousness of summer air
Is of the slightest bondage made aware.
Robert Frost
posted by clew at 5:23 PM on June 19, 2023 [8 favorites]
It’s not a poem, but this immediately comes to mind:
“But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.”
George Eliot, Middlemarch
posted by CMcG at 6:28 PM on June 19, 2023 [3 favorites]
“But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.”
George Eliot, Middlemarch
posted by CMcG at 6:28 PM on June 19, 2023 [3 favorites]
Depending on her religious affiliation, Gerard Manley Hopkins's The Blessed Virgin Compared to The Air We Breathe might be suitable.
posted by praemunire at 7:18 PM on June 19, 2023
posted by praemunire at 7:18 PM on June 19, 2023
Response by poster: To clarify, my interest is more in capturing something of who she was, rather than something which speaks to our loss. The Robert Frost is the closest but I'm afraid people won't be able to parse the meaning if I am reading it out loud.
posted by metahawk at 9:38 PM on June 19, 2023
posted by metahawk at 9:38 PM on June 19, 2023
My interpretation of the Malloy poem is that the deceased is hoping that instead of being buried in grief, the survivors will honor her memory by caring for others the way she did when she was alive. But it's entirely possible I'm missing the mark.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 2:57 AM on June 20, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 2:57 AM on June 20, 2023 [3 favorites]
Best answer: When Giving Is All We Have - Alberto Ríos
posted by Iris Gambol at 7:12 AM on June 20, 2023
posted by Iris Gambol at 7:12 AM on June 20, 2023
Best answer: For my mother, I adapted Success by Bessie Anderson Stanley.
I don't have my version immediately at hand, but if memory serves I changed it to read like this:
She has achieved success
who has lived well,
laughed often, and loved much;
who has enjoyed the respect of intelligent people and
the love of little children;
who has filled her niche and accomplished her task;
who has left the world better than she found it
whether by an improved poppy,
a perfect poem or a rescued soul;
who has never lacked appreciation of Earth's beauty
or failed to express it;
who has always looked for the best in others and
given them the best she had;
whose life was an inspiration;
whose memory a benediction.
posted by gudrun at 6:26 PM on June 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
I don't have my version immediately at hand, but if memory serves I changed it to read like this:
She has achieved success
who has lived well,
laughed often, and loved much;
who has enjoyed the respect of intelligent people and
the love of little children;
who has filled her niche and accomplished her task;
who has left the world better than she found it
whether by an improved poppy,
a perfect poem or a rescued soul;
who has never lacked appreciation of Earth's beauty
or failed to express it;
who has always looked for the best in others and
given them the best she had;
whose life was an inspiration;
whose memory a benediction.
posted by gudrun at 6:26 PM on June 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
I’ve learned some favorite poems because they were named or reprinted in memorial programs. Are you likely to have a program?
posted by clew at 5:03 PM on June 26, 2023
posted by clew at 5:03 PM on June 26, 2023
Response by poster: Thanks to everyone who offered me options for consideration - it made a difficult challenge doable.
In terms of favorites, I loved the Robert Frost poem (and the memorial was in Vermont so Frost is very appropriate) but takes a careful read to make sense of it and I felt it would be too hard for the listeners to parse on hearing it.
My sister opted for Alberto Rios's poem - it spoke well to what was most important for her to say.
Gendrun's variation on Success inspired me to start thinking about my own variations. I ended up posing the question to Claude (an LLM from Anthropic) and using that as a starting point, I created my own which I will post below in case it is useful to anyone else.
A Life of Quiet Grace
(by metahawk with substantial assistance from Claude, an LLM from Anthropic)
She moved through the lives of others
With a quiet, gentle grace.
Her hands, open and welcoming,
Ready to embrace.
Helping others grow and bloom,
Was the delight that filled her days.
Serving family and community alike,
In quiet and caring ways.
Compassion her first response,
Judgement she let go.
A kind word, a listening ear—
These were gifts she would bestow.
Her way was the way of kindness,
In each small act revealed.
By quiet example she showed us
How tender hearts are healed.
Her body is now ashes,
Her voice is stilled
And yet with her memories,
Our hearts are filled.
When we act as she would,
With love and grace
We make sure her memory
Is never erased.
posted by metahawk at 5:36 PM on July 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
In terms of favorites, I loved the Robert Frost poem (and the memorial was in Vermont so Frost is very appropriate) but takes a careful read to make sense of it and I felt it would be too hard for the listeners to parse on hearing it.
My sister opted for Alberto Rios's poem - it spoke well to what was most important for her to say.
Gendrun's variation on Success inspired me to start thinking about my own variations. I ended up posing the question to Claude (an LLM from Anthropic) and using that as a starting point, I created my own which I will post below in case it is useful to anyone else.
A Life of Quiet Grace
(by metahawk with substantial assistance from Claude, an LLM from Anthropic)
She moved through the lives of others
With a quiet, gentle grace.
Her hands, open and welcoming,
Ready to embrace.
Helping others grow and bloom,
Was the delight that filled her days.
Serving family and community alike,
In quiet and caring ways.
Compassion her first response,
Judgement she let go.
A kind word, a listening ear—
These were gifts she would bestow.
Her way was the way of kindness,
In each small act revealed.
By quiet example she showed us
How tender hearts are healed.
Her body is now ashes,
Her voice is stilled
And yet with her memories,
Our hearts are filled.
When we act as she would,
With love and grace
We make sure her memory
Is never erased.
posted by metahawk at 5:36 PM on July 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
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My mom read Woman of Valor for a friend of hers at the first funeral I remember attending as a child, and it was lovely.
Other death and grief poems:
In Blackwater Woods by Mary Oliver
Poetry Foundation's collection of poems on sorrow and grieving
Immortality by Clare Harner
posted by wicked_sassy at 5:03 PM on June 19, 2023