Recovering from extreme stress while caretaking

June 15, 2023 9:42 AM

I had a month of extreme stress and am now trying to recover/get back to baseline while in the confines of caretaking for small children. Open to any ideas.

In the last month, my newborn got a false positive flag for a terminal illness -- and we had to wait literally the entire month to learn of her outcome. Luckily, she is healthy and okay.

I also went through an intensive, multiple round job interview during this time.

All of this + my postpartum hormones mean I'm just an absolute, disregulated mess. I am in therapy but struggling to find ways to calm down my nervous system within the confines of my caretaking responsibilities. I have said newborn who is home all the time and a 4yo who is in a FT daycare M-F.

What I need is 1-2 weeks off to be myself, veg out, and honestly just drink a lot. But that's not realistic for my actual life.

I would love any suggestions folks have for how to start slowly regulating my system. I can reliably get 1-3 hours to myself a day between 9-5.

posted by neematoad to Health & Fitness (9 answers total)

Man if you look over my post history you'll see that both of my parents died within the past 6 months (unexpectedly) and a dear friend of mine who was a foreign national from a pretty far-flung country also died by su*c*de last year, and had no living family so I helped to arrange the handling of her remains/funeral. Plus we moved a few thousand miles.

My only advice is to do nothing. Literally DO NOTHING. Watch shitty TV and order take out and don't feel guilty. Hire a babysitter if you need one. Charge it all to your credit card if you must and don't blink. Do absolutely, absolutely, absolutely as little as you humanly can. If you feel restless, take a peaceful walk in some green space. Feel free to scream, too. That's been beneficial for me.
posted by erattacorrige at 10:03 AM on June 15, 2023

First things first: you have a lot of stuff going on right now. Whatever you're doing, kudos to you. It won't always be this way.

When I had half a year of being 100% red-lined, I took advantage of any down time with what I used to consider "self-indulgence," but which then became "saving myself." For me this meant surfing MeFi, or sitting still and falling asleep immediately for a few minutes. Also, I bought more fancy coffee, and I sang LOUDLY to Frank Turner when I was alone in the car.

Just as erattacorridge says, it's whatever will let you drop all responsibilities and expectations for a little while. That may mean a hobby like baking, or it may mean a totally passive thing like a bath (lock the bathroom door!) or watching a TV show, or a snack that you don't share with the kids while you sit on the back steps with your eyes shut. Just make sure that you don't have any outside expectations on you for that time.

This will get you through the gulch. When you get to the other side, it's more a matter of reducing your obligations & commitments back down to a reasonable level. This might be a good time to recalibrate your household expectations, or re-balance at work, or consciously trim back outside commitments.

Some things can't be sloughed off: I remember that from my time in heck. So to free up time I gave up any pretense of having hobbies for a while to make room for the non-negotiable stuff. *shrug* I was too busy for it anyway, and surrendering it consciously let me be clear about the temporary nature of the sacrifice, so I wasn't bitter. This also might be a good time to ask for help around the house. :7)

After about six months, I arranged for some extra local family support, and then I went away for a weekend to where my family let me nap in a hammock and laugh over a few beers. It was a good milestone for me,and I was in a lot better frame of mind to return to Real Life after that.

Good luck, and don't worry about the small stuff. Hug your kid(s), and concentrate on the Must-Haves for a while. The vacuuming can wait, you know?
posted by wenestvedt at 10:41 AM on June 15, 2023

Honestly in your shoes I would hire a babysitter and/or night nurse. Throw money at this problem. It’s worth it to get a proper re-set. If you’re not nursing, consider asking your doctor for 2-3 doses of Xanax/benzos and take one each night that you have childcare coverage for some restful, restorative sleep (of course, don’t abuse benzos - this is a strategic health-driven usage recommendation).

Lamentably (I’m not a big worker-out-er), exercise may also help. Restorative yoga and/or a 2-3 mile run, depending on what feels better to you.

So glad to hear that you were able to get good news for your baby.
posted by samthemander at 10:59 AM on June 15, 2023

If you have a partner, how much can you lay on them and just GET OUT for a few days. Two weeks might not be doable, but a week might, or even a long weekend.
posted by rikschell at 11:58 AM on June 15, 2023

Get a massage. Put on music and go for a walk, or if going for a walk is "work" then just go sit somewhere nice with an ice coffee and listen to your favorite music. Hire a cleaning person. Yoga. Exercise. Have lunch with a friend.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 11:59 AM on June 15, 2023

I was in your shoes with my baby, except the newborn screening results were confirmed via DNA testing. What got me through the first couple months were meals delivered by my friends (I followed some excellent advice from my own AskMetafilter question and reached out to a couple friends who set up a meal train for us), tons of streaming TV, mindless fan fiction reading, and temporarily disconnecting from social media and friends who were having normal post-partum experiences. I was going through that during the depths of Minnesota winter, so outdoor time was not an option, but
that might be healing for you.

Do you have a partner at home to help during the day? Any grandparents, extended family, or friends who could take care of the 4 year old during the evening or maybe overnight? I totally understand the deep urge to flee and isolate yourself for a couple weeks, it’s a huge bummer that does not work with a newborn in the mix.

Sending you a fist bump of solidarity - it’s hard to ask others for help, but I hope you have people who really want to come through for you. Having them help with your older child may reduce extra interruptions/demands and help settle down your nervous system a bit.
posted by Maarika at 12:19 PM on June 15, 2023

We got a meal train from friends for a while, ten years ago -- and we talked again at dinner last week about how great it was.

That's a great example of throwing help (or money) at a domestic problem in order to free up energy & mental capacity & GAF capacity.
posted by wenestvedt at 12:27 PM on June 15, 2023

Swinging
being cuddled
frequent small nice snacks
rocking
stimming (I sing)
regressive behaviour (nurturing your own inner child)
long walks (after the four year old is asleep with the baby in a stroller, esp if it is colicy and being pushed in a stroller at night helps it sleep)
going to parks and green spaces
deep pressure (weighted blanket or being squeezed)
being massaged
being groomed
grooming yourself (bath, and self massage of feet, etc.)
slow deep breathing
watching romantic comedy movies
watching touching family drama movies with happy endings not ones where they come to terms with crap
comfort reading
strenuous exercise
meeting small easy goals
creating nests (reading spot on the couch, blanket fort for yourself and the four year old with lots of padding, etc.)
swimming
posted by Jane the Brown at 1:49 PM on June 15, 2023

Thank you everyone. These are all great ideas and the compassion with which they are presented help me to hold myself in that same compassion. I'm going to make a little calendar and choose something for each day.
posted by neematoad at 7:27 AM on June 16, 2023