How to Support Partner Starting A New Job? (Long-Distance Edition)

April 12, 2023 10:50 PM

My partner is starting a new job next week (hooray). Until June, I live on the West Coast and she lives on the East Coast (boo). How can I be supportive during her first couple months at the new job? Neither of us have good ideas.

Context:
- She works remotely as a software engineer.
- Our long-term home is on the East Coast. Our cat lives with her.
- We talk or text every day, and I read her a chapter from a book once a week.
- We have a meal service that delivers her dinners.
- We've been married for 7 years.
- I do infrequent (roughly every third year) but long (one semester) trips for work.

Last time she started a new job, for the first couple months, I did stuff like:
- Make her more tea than usual. Bring her snacks and lunch.
- Do most/all of the chores instead of half.
- Plan fun activities together for weekends and evenings.

All those things require physical presence. They were about saving her (cognitive) effort and time during the "new job" ramp-up period, or providing meaningful breaks. I don't know how to translate any of that to long-distance support. She's never started a new job while I was out of town before. Suggestions very welcome.

posted by kitten_hat to Human Relations (8 answers total)

Best answer: If you can afford it:

1. Send cleaners. (Could be $150-$250)
2. Send flowers. ($50-$200)
3. Surprise her with an unscheduled visit. (Noting that she may need to work during that time and being prepared to be supportive.)
4. Buy her a new professional clothing thing, gift card, or piece of jewelry from Etsy.

If you can’t afford to spend much extra:

1. Increase reading to nightly for a bit.
2. Schedule time to watch something together from afar.
3. Send a friend—ask her best friend to surprise her on your behalf.
4. Write her physical letters, cards, and notes and send via snail mail a few days in advance so they arrive during the key moments like the first day.
5. Encourage her to exercise/go for walks during the early overwhelming bits. Maybe make it competitive if she likes that—Apple Fitness or related can help.
6. Send poetry. There’s a lot of good poetry in the world.
7. Send mixtapes/playlists: it’s poetry but it’s also got music!
posted by anotherpanacea at 11:28 PM on April 12, 2023

Best answer: Paperwork such as paying the bills.

Any time she needs something, you can be the person to figure out where it is in her new city. E.g. the best bike route to a public park.
posted by aniola at 1:30 AM on April 13, 2023 [2 favorites]

For fun activities on nights and weekends, look up virtual date night idea lists from the pandemic, for example.
posted by catquas at 6:58 AM on April 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Take walks together (via phone) at the end of the day so she has a definitive demarcation of "end of the work day". This is really helpful when you work a remote job.
posted by dawkins_7 at 7:00 AM on April 13, 2023 [6 favorites]

Best answer: Download Signal and set up a good routine for sending greetings, words of love, and photographs of your face *and* things in your life (this plant smelled good! the sky is grey, boo - fun new potato-chip flavor at the bodega). So much of the support my partner has offered me in new-job times has been to connect more in general, so that I am reminded to take deep breaths and maintain boundaries, both when new job is going well and when it isn't.

For me and my partner (LDR East/West coast for 2 years), we established a rhythm of wakeup and goodnight photos/messages at a minimum, plus others as we felt for it. Signal's audio messages were also fantastic for feeling close - I could step away from my desk and leave one as I walked to the bathroom, or listen to one from him on a sunlight break.

In line with other practical suggestions above, you could assist with grocery shopping or household necessities by setting up lists for her to check and then following through to order delivery on a specific schedule.

You could set up a weekly time to do a new-job braindump, and just sit with listening love to everything she wants to tell you - ask her every Friday how she's been a boss this week - schedule a shared calendar invite for filling timecards together, if that's a thing.

This is such lovely spouse behavior! I'm happy that you and your partner have each other.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 1:17 PM on April 13, 2023 [2 favorites]

I hate being new at things and struggle with a ton of imposter syndrome. My partner helps by letting me know it's not only okay, but good to try new things and work through the discomfort of it. He encourages me and reminds me of what I've accomplished, my strengths, etc. It's a nice way to be supported during that new job transition.
posted by shesbookish at 5:00 PM on April 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

We talk or text every day, and I read her a chapter from a book once a week.

Everyone is different so this may not apply to your partner, but personally I would enjoy being told that I have permission to not talk/text every day or take a break from being read to. Again, this is not universal, but when I'm looking for ways to free up cognitive space, having more alone time/less social obligations is key. I know being long distance can add pressure to schedule "together time" so I'd make clear that pressure isn't there from you.
posted by coffeecat at 6:15 PM on April 13, 2023 [2 favorites]

I bet at least one of you will have an easier time thinking of ideas after she starts the job.
posted by wondermouse at 7:25 PM on April 14, 2023