Help me survive end of life care for my newly adopted dog
April 7, 2023 1:09 AM
I adopted an old man dog seven weeks ago. He was diagnosed with lymphoma this week. I am crushed.
He is my first ever dog. He is 13, and has been a street dog for over a decade, but you would never guess. He's warm and friendly to people, and has impeccable bathroom manners (other than burping and farting in my face). He loves being petted and for the last month plus that he's been mine, has been spoiled rotten.
You might think me naive, but I had initially imagined that we would have at least two years together, so his terminal cancer diagnosis has hit me hard, especially having just had my own struggle with cancer last year. I can't help but feel like I'm the jinx. I brought this innocent beautiful soul into my life and now he is dying. (I know this is irrational and I have brought it up with my therapist. The thought just won't go away.)
In any case, I've taken him to see two different vets who have unanimously recommended palliative care instead of curative treatments, so my old man dog is now on pred to help make it easier. Doggy hospice is hard. I wake up at the crack of dawn to give him his first doses of medicine, then two hours later a second. Then I do it again at sundown. I have to take him out 5-6 times a day because the steroids make him drink so much water, but he has slowed down so much in a matter of days, and it is breaking my heart in ways I never thought possible. I'm doubting that I have it in me to see him through to the end, even though I know that it's what he deserves, having had such a rough start to life. It would be cruel of me not to give him a good however-many days he has left.
So I am determined to do this. But, since the diagnosis, I haven't been sleeping, because I'm scared that if I drift off, something might happen during the night and I'll wake up to his cold body. I haven't eaten, because he's not eating as much as he was. I take him out on much shorter walks now because his legs are all swollen from edema and he doesn't seem to want to go on sniffaris anymore. I haven't stopped crying so I'm dehydrated and my head feels like it is splitting open.
I know I need to take care of myself. I'm trying to figure that part out. But how would I know when to make the call for my old man dog? People say that I'll just know, which seems blithe. The vets say when he has more bad days than good, and it seems calculative. I've been told that animals can absorb our emotions, so all this negativity emitting from me I'm sure is affecting him. But I'm terrified of forgetting him, forgetting the way his fur smells, the sounds of his snoring, and the adoring way he looks at me. I love this dog more than I have any man or any friend. I hope I don't sound like a crazy person saying this. I just don't know how to be strong for him when I feel like I'm drowning in anticipatory grief. Please help me.
He is my first ever dog. He is 13, and has been a street dog for over a decade, but you would never guess. He's warm and friendly to people, and has impeccable bathroom manners (other than burping and farting in my face). He loves being petted and for the last month plus that he's been mine, has been spoiled rotten.
You might think me naive, but I had initially imagined that we would have at least two years together, so his terminal cancer diagnosis has hit me hard, especially having just had my own struggle with cancer last year. I can't help but feel like I'm the jinx. I brought this innocent beautiful soul into my life and now he is dying. (I know this is irrational and I have brought it up with my therapist. The thought just won't go away.)
In any case, I've taken him to see two different vets who have unanimously recommended palliative care instead of curative treatments, so my old man dog is now on pred to help make it easier. Doggy hospice is hard. I wake up at the crack of dawn to give him his first doses of medicine, then two hours later a second. Then I do it again at sundown. I have to take him out 5-6 times a day because the steroids make him drink so much water, but he has slowed down so much in a matter of days, and it is breaking my heart in ways I never thought possible. I'm doubting that I have it in me to see him through to the end, even though I know that it's what he deserves, having had such a rough start to life. It would be cruel of me not to give him a good however-many days he has left.
So I am determined to do this. But, since the diagnosis, I haven't been sleeping, because I'm scared that if I drift off, something might happen during the night and I'll wake up to his cold body. I haven't eaten, because he's not eating as much as he was. I take him out on much shorter walks now because his legs are all swollen from edema and he doesn't seem to want to go on sniffaris anymore. I haven't stopped crying so I'm dehydrated and my head feels like it is splitting open.
I know I need to take care of myself. I'm trying to figure that part out. But how would I know when to make the call for my old man dog? People say that I'll just know, which seems blithe. The vets say when he has more bad days than good, and it seems calculative. I've been told that animals can absorb our emotions, so all this negativity emitting from me I'm sure is affecting him. But I'm terrified of forgetting him, forgetting the way his fur smells, the sounds of his snoring, and the adoring way he looks at me. I love this dog more than I have any man or any friend. I hope I don't sound like a crazy person saying this. I just don't know how to be strong for him when I feel like I'm drowning in anticipatory grief. Please help me.
The previous post said it all and I can’t say it any better, so I’ll just second it. You’ve made the last months of your pup’s life a joy, but it’s time now to make that final vet appointment.
posted by Kriesa at 3:12 AM on April 7, 2023
posted by Kriesa at 3:12 AM on April 7, 2023
Oh, sweetheart. You are not crazy. In no way is it crazy to love someone as much as you love your little guy. That's just what it's like to have a dog. There's this creature, fairly helpless in our human world, and he's warm and soft, and he gives his whole heart to you with reckless abandon. Why wouldn't you love him back with all you have??
Love for a dog is different from romantic love, and it's not the same as a friendship either. It feels much more like the love people have for smaller beings in their care, and it makes perfect sense that you love him so much. It's probably exacerbated by the amount of care he needs right now, which is great because it'll help you give him what he needs. And it's hard.
You haven't been with him for that long, but your expectations and hopes for the future are real and it's okay to feel awful that you won't get that time. It's like a stillbirth or an adoptive parent having their child yanked away. Even if the prospective parents have never met the child, they often grieve severely. That's just...normal. It's how attachment works in human beings.
I don't think it was naive to expect a couple more good years. Unfortunately, cancer is not uncommon in older dogs. You didn't give it to him. It's not you. Listen: It's not you. Really. It's not you.
I'm sorry you had a cancer struggle yourself. That must make this extra-hard. I bet you're still in shock right now, and I wonder if all sorts of old feelings are coming up from the mere mention of cancer terms or even the medical setting? That might be worth exploring.
If you do want to think about the cancer similarity in a more spiritual way, consider this: What if, because of your own cancer journey, this dog picked you? Maybe he wanted to be with someone who'd know how to make him comfortable. Being comfortable for the rest of your life, when you're an old street dog...that sounds pretty tempting. Seven weeks is a relatively short amount to us, but to this dog? Getting to rest in a comfortable home, with a human who loves him? Not having to scrounge around for food (or starve)? Free of end-of-life pain? Sleeping in a safe spot, knowing he's not alone? Wow, have you given him a gift.
Because your love is so deep, it will guide you in saying goodbye. Agreeing to euthanasia could be a great kindness to your little man, but it will hurt you very much. It's difficult. And that's how you know you won't to it too soon. The vet will help you know how not to do it too late. When in doubt, I think that sooner is better because a peaceful end is good for you and invaluable to your friend.
Yes, you do still want to take care of yourself. Try an interactive self-care guide like this.
It's okay to sleep. You need to sleep to make good decisions. When does dog friend sleep most soundly? Lie down with him. Don't worry about falling asleep, but rest your eyes and brain at least. Play some relaxing music, a TV show you like, or a podcast that's soothing - dogs like background noise. If it's warm enough where you are, crack a window: a gentle breeze will help you sleep, and scents can make sniffaris possible from home.
For food, can you get some help for the next few days? If you have the money, order comfort food and snacks. If you don't, maybe relatives, neighbours or friends will make a casserole or whatever? You can even say you're just not very well right now. It's true. Grief takes a measurable toll on your mind as well as your body.
I don't think you need to worry about appearing strong. You might want to go to a different room if you need to do some alarming, loud crying or screaming. But for general sadness and gentle crying or just wilting in front of the TV? Dogs are very loving and want us to feel good, but they're used to humans doing crazy things and having silly human problems. Why do we stare at light boxes and make tapping sounds with our claws? How come our noses don't work, but we still somehow manage to drag home bags of food (prey) regularly? Why do we have different feet and fur depending on if we're inside or outside? How come we show a remarkable disinterest in deer poop?
You're a good person and you're doing great. Don't make things impossible for yourself. Your sad because you're losing a friend, and it sucks! You get to be sad.
[Bear Hugs]
posted by toucan at 3:15 AM on April 7, 2023
Love for a dog is different from romantic love, and it's not the same as a friendship either. It feels much more like the love people have for smaller beings in their care, and it makes perfect sense that you love him so much. It's probably exacerbated by the amount of care he needs right now, which is great because it'll help you give him what he needs. And it's hard.
You haven't been with him for that long, but your expectations and hopes for the future are real and it's okay to feel awful that you won't get that time. It's like a stillbirth or an adoptive parent having their child yanked away. Even if the prospective parents have never met the child, they often grieve severely. That's just...normal. It's how attachment works in human beings.
I don't think it was naive to expect a couple more good years. Unfortunately, cancer is not uncommon in older dogs. You didn't give it to him. It's not you. Listen: It's not you. Really. It's not you.
I'm sorry you had a cancer struggle yourself. That must make this extra-hard. I bet you're still in shock right now, and I wonder if all sorts of old feelings are coming up from the mere mention of cancer terms or even the medical setting? That might be worth exploring.
If you do want to think about the cancer similarity in a more spiritual way, consider this: What if, because of your own cancer journey, this dog picked you? Maybe he wanted to be with someone who'd know how to make him comfortable. Being comfortable for the rest of your life, when you're an old street dog...that sounds pretty tempting. Seven weeks is a relatively short amount to us, but to this dog? Getting to rest in a comfortable home, with a human who loves him? Not having to scrounge around for food (or starve)? Free of end-of-life pain? Sleeping in a safe spot, knowing he's not alone? Wow, have you given him a gift.
Because your love is so deep, it will guide you in saying goodbye. Agreeing to euthanasia could be a great kindness to your little man, but it will hurt you very much. It's difficult. And that's how you know you won't to it too soon. The vet will help you know how not to do it too late. When in doubt, I think that sooner is better because a peaceful end is good for you and invaluable to your friend.
Yes, you do still want to take care of yourself. Try an interactive self-care guide like this.
It's okay to sleep. You need to sleep to make good decisions. When does dog friend sleep most soundly? Lie down with him. Don't worry about falling asleep, but rest your eyes and brain at least. Play some relaxing music, a TV show you like, or a podcast that's soothing - dogs like background noise. If it's warm enough where you are, crack a window: a gentle breeze will help you sleep, and scents can make sniffaris possible from home.
For food, can you get some help for the next few days? If you have the money, order comfort food and snacks. If you don't, maybe relatives, neighbours or friends will make a casserole or whatever? You can even say you're just not very well right now. It's true. Grief takes a measurable toll on your mind as well as your body.
I don't think you need to worry about appearing strong. You might want to go to a different room if you need to do some alarming, loud crying or screaming. But for general sadness and gentle crying or just wilting in front of the TV? Dogs are very loving and want us to feel good, but they're used to humans doing crazy things and having silly human problems. Why do we stare at light boxes and make tapping sounds with our claws? How come our noses don't work, but we still somehow manage to drag home bags of food (prey) regularly? Why do we have different feet and fur depending on if we're inside or outside? How come we show a remarkable disinterest in deer poop?
You're a good person and you're doing great. Don't make things impossible for yourself. Your sad because you're losing a friend, and it sucks! You get to be sad.
[Bear Hugs]
posted by toucan at 3:15 AM on April 7, 2023
Hey, I am sorry this is hitting you so hard. We provide palliative care to rescue dogs and we just put to sleep this little goober, who was only supposed to live for six more months after we took him home but cheerfully pissed on my hardwoods for another three years. Even though we've done this many times, each care scenario is different and you can see my panicked Ask questions in my history because we'd never dealt with end stage wasting and I was frenzied about calories.
What personally helped me was going back to the central tenant that being able to provide compassionate and loving end of life care to any being is an honor and a privilege. Sometimes that love and compassion is mopping your floors 12 times a day because of the prednisone. Sometimes its finding peace in the fact that the happiest death for your dog is to peacefully pass in the middle of the night, and having a plan with your vet for what you do when that happens to reduce your own fear. And often, it is making the hard decision to spare your friend from a life he is no longer enjoying.
I would go back to the vet you like more with a specific appointment not for treatment but to discuss quality of life. In your case, I would significantly decrease the pred so the dog can be ambulatory and engaged, and I would do this knowing the tradeoff is less time.
Your ability to sustain care is also important. I will do overnights for a dog who is in recovery or who is actively end stage dying, but I won't do it routinely and that's not where you are. You need a meds regime that is sustainable for you as care giver and makes sure you get 8 hours of sleep, minimum.
I'm sorry its so hard and if you want someone to talk to, I'm more than happy to answer questions or call you so you can talk to someone who really understands. Just drop me a MeMail.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:49 AM on April 7, 2023
What personally helped me was going back to the central tenant that being able to provide compassionate and loving end of life care to any being is an honor and a privilege. Sometimes that love and compassion is mopping your floors 12 times a day because of the prednisone. Sometimes its finding peace in the fact that the happiest death for your dog is to peacefully pass in the middle of the night, and having a plan with your vet for what you do when that happens to reduce your own fear. And often, it is making the hard decision to spare your friend from a life he is no longer enjoying.
I would go back to the vet you like more with a specific appointment not for treatment but to discuss quality of life. In your case, I would significantly decrease the pred so the dog can be ambulatory and engaged, and I would do this knowing the tradeoff is less time.
Your ability to sustain care is also important. I will do overnights for a dog who is in recovery or who is actively end stage dying, but I won't do it routinely and that's not where you are. You need a meds regime that is sustainable for you as care giver and makes sure you get 8 hours of sleep, minimum.
I'm sorry its so hard and if you want someone to talk to, I'm more than happy to answer questions or call you so you can talk to someone who really understands. Just drop me a MeMail.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:49 AM on April 7, 2023
I think you need to call in reinforcements for yourself. What you are going through is traumatic, and people appear to handle trauma the best when they have support and empathy from others during and shortly after. I don’t think you sound like a crazy person - anybody who has loved a pet will understand. So please, tell your friends and family about what you’re going through, and ask for help.
Maybe you can have a friend over who will hang out while you get some proper rest, because you know they will wake you up if needed. Maybe a friend will eat a meal with you over video chat so you can get more nutrients without focusing on the food. It is very good that you have a therapist - I’d encourage you to schedule some extra sessions with them preemptively. Do you know anyone with a backyard that you and the dog can visit so you can more easily let him out to pee during a gentle day of couch naps and being with other people? A lot of people are willing to go pretty far and deep for an ailing dog.
If you’re in the northern hemisphere, it’s spring. Take some time to note what’s happening in the natural world right now, and use this as a marker to reflect on the passage of time in the future. Bring some cuttings inside for your dog to sniff. When you see the same flowers next year, you can think on all the experiences you got to share with him, and all the gifts you gave each other. Ground yourself in cycles of change, so you don’t get stuck in the dark place you currently find yourself.
posted by Mizu at 4:02 AM on April 7, 2023
Maybe you can have a friend over who will hang out while you get some proper rest, because you know they will wake you up if needed. Maybe a friend will eat a meal with you over video chat so you can get more nutrients without focusing on the food. It is very good that you have a therapist - I’d encourage you to schedule some extra sessions with them preemptively. Do you know anyone with a backyard that you and the dog can visit so you can more easily let him out to pee during a gentle day of couch naps and being with other people? A lot of people are willing to go pretty far and deep for an ailing dog.
If you’re in the northern hemisphere, it’s spring. Take some time to note what’s happening in the natural world right now, and use this as a marker to reflect on the passage of time in the future. Bring some cuttings inside for your dog to sniff. When you see the same flowers next year, you can think on all the experiences you got to share with him, and all the gifts you gave each other. Ground yourself in cycles of change, so you don’t get stuck in the dark place you currently find yourself.
posted by Mizu at 4:02 AM on April 7, 2023
I have no specific advice, but I just wanted to say THANK YOU for being a source of love and light in the world for your dog. There is so much pain and suffering everywhere and instead of making it worse, like so many people do, you chose to open your heart and bring warmth and happiness into the life of a defenseless animal, knowing that it would be very hard and cause you grief when he passed. I am so sorry that that day is arriving much sooner than you anticipated, and I hope that you can find the support that you need to cope.
posted by mydonkeybenjamin at 5:07 AM on April 7, 2023
posted by mydonkeybenjamin at 5:07 AM on April 7, 2023
I am so sorry. I am crying along with you, because the loss of any beloved pet is so hard and I can feel the love of your dog through your words. You are such a good person and clearly the right person this dog needed to find for his last days.
I just wanted to second what DarlingBri said about the prednisone - it's both a miracle and an evil drug and has some really rough side effects. (My dog was on it for over a year.) Talk to your vet about balancing those side effects, though I know often they start out with a really high dose and then taper down a bit so that may already be part of the plan. I also used washable reusable pee pads when my girl was on the pred so she had a place to go inside overnight if needed. Maybe knowing you and he have that option would help you sleep.
I'd also feed him any and every thing he wants - if he's less interested in his kibble, boil chicken to shred on top of it, or get some "meal toppers" (I like the Nulo brand) to mix in. Cook him a steak now and then. If it's warming up where you are, see if you can get him outside to sunbathe on a warm afternoon. Spoil him rotten, and when he's not even enjoying being spoiled, that's when you know.
posted by misskaz at 5:17 AM on April 7, 2023
I just wanted to second what DarlingBri said about the prednisone - it's both a miracle and an evil drug and has some really rough side effects. (My dog was on it for over a year.) Talk to your vet about balancing those side effects, though I know often they start out with a really high dose and then taper down a bit so that may already be part of the plan. I also used washable reusable pee pads when my girl was on the pred so she had a place to go inside overnight if needed. Maybe knowing you and he have that option would help you sleep.
I'd also feed him any and every thing he wants - if he's less interested in his kibble, boil chicken to shred on top of it, or get some "meal toppers" (I like the Nulo brand) to mix in. Cook him a steak now and then. If it's warming up where you are, see if you can get him outside to sunbathe on a warm afternoon. Spoil him rotten, and when he's not even enjoying being spoiled, that's when you know.
posted by misskaz at 5:17 AM on April 7, 2023
I used a variation of this decision matrix for my pets: How Do I Know When? to sort of quantify what I was feeling and in denial about. For one cat, it let me feel confident in giving him some extra weeks of hospice care, and for other pets that it was definitely time.
He is an extremely fortunate dog to have the end of his life be with someone kind and loving. I have had several pets live very shortened lives after adoption, and yes, it is awful and hard, but there is later some satisfaction in knowing you made the final days comfortable and good for them.
I highly recommend doing pet photography or home videos of them - documenting a regular day and printing a little booklet for your shelf. I also recommend home euthanasia if you can get a vet to do a house call, it's much easier on you.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:20 AM on April 7, 2023
He is an extremely fortunate dog to have the end of his life be with someone kind and loving. I have had several pets live very shortened lives after adoption, and yes, it is awful and hard, but there is later some satisfaction in knowing you made the final days comfortable and good for them.
I highly recommend doing pet photography or home videos of them - documenting a regular day and printing a little booklet for your shelf. I also recommend home euthanasia if you can get a vet to do a house call, it's much easier on you.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:20 AM on April 7, 2023
I want to give you hugs so much. When I came to the end of my old girl's life, I realized that one of my mistakes was thinking that the grief would somehow be easier because it was anticipated. It was not. It was brutal. If at all possible, please call on your support system as much as you would if you were losing a family member, because you are.
posted by Countess Elena at 5:51 AM on April 7, 2023
posted by Countess Elena at 5:51 AM on April 7, 2023
Oh, I'm so sorry. Do try to get some sleep and some food.
Please try not to feel like this is negativity on your part. This is a difficult experience. One of my dog's vets kindly talked to me for an hour late one night after a difficult visit to the emergency room, about what a dilemma this is and about respect for life and honestly, it sounded like he still wrestles with it a lot. I hope that-- not right now, but in a while-- you'll be able to realize how much you gave your dog at this time. I believe that when anyone (dog or human) has had a hard life, that having a good and safe time at the end can cast meaning over the whole thing, retrospectively. You've given him a whole life, essentially, and the fact that it's a life that's sad to leave it is also a gift.
posted by BibiRose at 6:07 AM on April 7, 2023
Please try not to feel like this is negativity on your part. This is a difficult experience. One of my dog's vets kindly talked to me for an hour late one night after a difficult visit to the emergency room, about what a dilemma this is and about respect for life and honestly, it sounded like he still wrestles with it a lot. I hope that-- not right now, but in a while-- you'll be able to realize how much you gave your dog at this time. I believe that when anyone (dog or human) has had a hard life, that having a good and safe time at the end can cast meaning over the whole thing, retrospectively. You've given him a whole life, essentially, and the fact that it's a life that's sad to leave it is also a gift.
posted by BibiRose at 6:07 AM on April 7, 2023
This is so hard. I hope you can find some comfort in knowing you are probably the best thing that ever happened to this dog.
Seconding a mobile vet if you can manage it - not only for euthanasia, but also for end-of-life care. That was the best thing I did for my cat. She didn't have to travel in the car or go into the scary vet's office with its weird smells and noise from other, sometimes frightened animals. When I finally had her put down, she was able to die in her favorite chair.
posted by FencingGal at 6:28 AM on April 7, 2023
Seconding a mobile vet if you can manage it - not only for euthanasia, but also for end-of-life care. That was the best thing I did for my cat. She didn't have to travel in the car or go into the scary vet's office with its weird smells and noise from other, sometimes frightened animals. When I finally had her put down, she was able to die in her favorite chair.
posted by FencingGal at 6:28 AM on April 7, 2023
I just want to reassure you that you won’t forget him. The quality of love isn’t always measured in time. It’s measured in impact, and your grief is telling you that. Take care.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:38 AM on April 7, 2023
posted by warriorqueen at 6:38 AM on April 7, 2023
There isn't much that will make it easier. Just want to agree that you are being the very best pet parent. He doesn't know it's only been a few weeks, he only knows his life became wonderful when you took him home. And even though everything is harder now, he's still in the only place he wants to be with his favorite person.
Most people overlook an old dog. You didn't. You stepped up and now you are paying the price. I'm so sorry. We never really know how much time we'll get. It's never enough. You are a good person.
posted by Glinn at 7:15 AM on April 7, 2023
Most people overlook an old dog. You didn't. You stepped up and now you are paying the price. I'm so sorry. We never really know how much time we'll get. It's never enough. You are a good person.
posted by Glinn at 7:15 AM on April 7, 2023
I am so so sorry.
This happens in senior rescue, it's always a roll of the dice, and it sucks. In this world there are times when your purpose in someone else's life is just to be there for one critically important thing. And it still sucks and there's not really any way to make it better, but all I can tell you is that this is such a sacred mission to give a dog that's had a hard life a soft sweet loved final act.
All I can tell you is that you get through it because you have to. And afterwards you get to remind yourself of the above: you gave this dog your whole heart, and not all dogs ever get to experience that, and it hurts but it will also change your life a little bit to have loved like that.
I lost my best girl to lymphoma a year ago, and it is unfortunately a pretty steep ramp from diagnosis to the end of the timeline. I probably should have made the call a little bit earlier, but our other dog very abruptly got sick and had to have emergency euthanasia a week before. I have lost a dog "naturally" before, and I do not ever want to wait that long again because it was horrible, and I would actually happily accept a silent passing in the night as probably a fairly painless end.
With lymphoma, if I ever have to do it again, when we reach the "declining to eat much or walk far" stage I would just set a date and make the days in between as great as I can. Go ahead and make today a Great Day if you can, since the tides can turn fast, or tomorrow - a little hamburger, a little vanilla ice cream, get wherever he is comfortable and watch a movie and pet him the whole time. Have a friend come if you can and take photos of you together, take some video of him. You can wait until he's gone if you want, but shave off a bit of fur to keep - I made resin pendants with some of my girls' fur.
If he's got his own sleep spot that's not in your immediate sleeping vicinity, go sleep near him. Otherwise, if he is in your room with you, please sleep. Put a bell on his collar if it'll help you feel secure that you'll hear when he's moving around, but please sleep. If he passes silently in the night, that's okay, that's as good a death as euthanasia.
Go ahead and contact a mobile euthanasia service today, if your vet doesn't do it. If you happen to be in Los Angeles, memail me and I will give you contact info for the wonderful couple I've used twice. If you can swing the fee, you can have them come today or tomorrow just for an assessment and possibly some recommendations/prescriptions for making him comfortable. Consider taking next Friday off work for one last special day, and have it done in the late afternoon so you're not losing another night's sleep to hypervigilance and don't risk sundowning and a rough night. If you have a big rally this coming week, the vet will move the appointment out some more.
If you haven't already, switch him to wet (or the frozen tube "raw" - Target and Petsmart have it) food plus meat baby food, as they generally have difficulty swallowing even if the head/neck nodes aren't visibly swollen. My vet okayed mixing her drinking water 50/50 with unflavored pedialyte or homemade (!! store chicken broth has onion and garlic in it, unless you can find some that doesn't) chicken broth/stock + the pedialyte - ask yours.
I can't promise you'll have the same timeline as me, but we only got a month after diagnosis, though that dx came after probably 6 weeks of "something's not right" including a vet visit to try to figure out what. I was pretty hyper-attuned to whether Sophie was still taking any interest and pleasure in anything - she was most of the time enthusiastically eating at least moderate portions of the food I was making her, and she didn't go far but was still having good sniffs (in fact she was "unwell enough" that we could let her poke around our picket-fenced front yard off-leash, something we couldn't do in her escape artist years). The first time she made no move to go out when I opened the front door, I gave us 24 hours for her to rally. She didn't, and the vet couldn't come for another 8 hours, and it was not a good day. I was a little worried it was going to get ugly before the vet got there.
My advice remains what it has long been here: it's possibly you might make the call when he still has 4.29 Good Days left, but nobody's keeping score, there's no guaranteed benefit to pushing it and your risk of serious trauma increases every push. Depending on what happens afterwards, surely he will either know exactly why you chose what you did or he will know nothing but will have had a soft loved end of his life.
Thank you for loving this dog. It is a good and noble thing, and all good and noble things run the risk of heartbreak. It will heal, though there will be a scar. You won't forget him, I promise.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:20 AM on April 7, 2023
This happens in senior rescue, it's always a roll of the dice, and it sucks. In this world there are times when your purpose in someone else's life is just to be there for one critically important thing. And it still sucks and there's not really any way to make it better, but all I can tell you is that this is such a sacred mission to give a dog that's had a hard life a soft sweet loved final act.
All I can tell you is that you get through it because you have to. And afterwards you get to remind yourself of the above: you gave this dog your whole heart, and not all dogs ever get to experience that, and it hurts but it will also change your life a little bit to have loved like that.
I lost my best girl to lymphoma a year ago, and it is unfortunately a pretty steep ramp from diagnosis to the end of the timeline. I probably should have made the call a little bit earlier, but our other dog very abruptly got sick and had to have emergency euthanasia a week before. I have lost a dog "naturally" before, and I do not ever want to wait that long again because it was horrible, and I would actually happily accept a silent passing in the night as probably a fairly painless end.
With lymphoma, if I ever have to do it again, when we reach the "declining to eat much or walk far" stage I would just set a date and make the days in between as great as I can. Go ahead and make today a Great Day if you can, since the tides can turn fast, or tomorrow - a little hamburger, a little vanilla ice cream, get wherever he is comfortable and watch a movie and pet him the whole time. Have a friend come if you can and take photos of you together, take some video of him. You can wait until he's gone if you want, but shave off a bit of fur to keep - I made resin pendants with some of my girls' fur.
If he's got his own sleep spot that's not in your immediate sleeping vicinity, go sleep near him. Otherwise, if he is in your room with you, please sleep. Put a bell on his collar if it'll help you feel secure that you'll hear when he's moving around, but please sleep. If he passes silently in the night, that's okay, that's as good a death as euthanasia.
Go ahead and contact a mobile euthanasia service today, if your vet doesn't do it. If you happen to be in Los Angeles, memail me and I will give you contact info for the wonderful couple I've used twice. If you can swing the fee, you can have them come today or tomorrow just for an assessment and possibly some recommendations/prescriptions for making him comfortable. Consider taking next Friday off work for one last special day, and have it done in the late afternoon so you're not losing another night's sleep to hypervigilance and don't risk sundowning and a rough night. If you have a big rally this coming week, the vet will move the appointment out some more.
If you haven't already, switch him to wet (or the frozen tube "raw" - Target and Petsmart have it) food plus meat baby food, as they generally have difficulty swallowing even if the head/neck nodes aren't visibly swollen. My vet okayed mixing her drinking water 50/50 with unflavored pedialyte or homemade (!! store chicken broth has onion and garlic in it, unless you can find some that doesn't) chicken broth/stock + the pedialyte - ask yours.
I can't promise you'll have the same timeline as me, but we only got a month after diagnosis, though that dx came after probably 6 weeks of "something's not right" including a vet visit to try to figure out what. I was pretty hyper-attuned to whether Sophie was still taking any interest and pleasure in anything - she was most of the time enthusiastically eating at least moderate portions of the food I was making her, and she didn't go far but was still having good sniffs (in fact she was "unwell enough" that we could let her poke around our picket-fenced front yard off-leash, something we couldn't do in her escape artist years). The first time she made no move to go out when I opened the front door, I gave us 24 hours for her to rally. She didn't, and the vet couldn't come for another 8 hours, and it was not a good day. I was a little worried it was going to get ugly before the vet got there.
My advice remains what it has long been here: it's possibly you might make the call when he still has 4.29 Good Days left, but nobody's keeping score, there's no guaranteed benefit to pushing it and your risk of serious trauma increases every push. Depending on what happens afterwards, surely he will either know exactly why you chose what you did or he will know nothing but will have had a soft loved end of his life.
Thank you for loving this dog. It is a good and noble thing, and all good and noble things run the risk of heartbreak. It will heal, though there will be a scar. You won't forget him, I promise.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:20 AM on April 7, 2023
You are so the opposite of a jinx! He had a hard life for so long and now he's sick, but instead of being alone in a shelter or on the street here he is in a safe place with someone who loves him fiercely and on top of that has deep, specific empathy for what he is going through. You are a blessing. You are a sanctuary. You are his person, and he's so glad he found you in time to let know that you were.
posted by BlueJae at 8:22 AM on April 7, 2023
posted by BlueJae at 8:22 AM on April 7, 2023
Aww, I'm so sorry. This scenario brought tears to my eyes to even contemplate. What a sad, sad situation.
Your dog is SO SO SO LUCKY to have you. Imagine if he had to go through lymphoma alone on the street.
I know a wonderful mobile palliative care/hospice/euthanasia vet if you're in the Seattle area. Please take care of yourself. I wish I could give you a big hug.
This part is the worst. That anticipatory grief can be crushing when you know the end is soon and you're just trying to figure out when.
posted by potrzebie at 9:00 AM on April 7, 2023
Your dog is SO SO SO LUCKY to have you. Imagine if he had to go through lymphoma alone on the street.
I know a wonderful mobile palliative care/hospice/euthanasia vet if you're in the Seattle area. Please take care of yourself. I wish I could give you a big hug.
This part is the worst. That anticipatory grief can be crushing when you know the end is soon and you're just trying to figure out when.
posted by potrzebie at 9:00 AM on April 7, 2023
Your sweet dog is VERY LUCKY to have your and I want to strongly reinforce the message ps for people saying that you are giving your buddy the best gift they could have— a safe, loving place to rest and be secure and loved at the end of a long life. This is Elsa, who was my sweet friend for just under a year. Elsa was a stray who had been patched up by Stumptown Strays. We hoped she would have a couple of years— but she had cancer too. I’m not sorry— I loved her very much, and she loved me. I’m glad I could give her a safe loving home to depart from. It is really hard, but it’s also still a really good, loving thing. You will never loose the love that your doggo beams at you, even after your buddy is gone.
You’re doing a good thing. You’re doing a great job.
posted by Kpele at 9:18 AM on April 7, 2023
You’re doing a good thing. You’re doing a great job.
posted by Kpele at 9:18 AM on April 7, 2023
Cancer care for a dog is so difficult. I agree with everyone who says that you have been a blessing for this dog, a safe harbor at the end of a stormy life, and to give a dependent, vulnerable being whom humanity has treated so badly for so long even a brief period of comfort and safety and love, and then the gentlest possible end, is one of the best things you'll ever have done. Seriously, if doing the hard physical work of looking after an old sick pet doesn't get one into the good graces of any benevolent deity that may be out there, I can't imagine what will. Take lots of pictures. There are kits to take a cast of his paw (they will often do this for you at the vet, but this way you can get just the right one). You will not forget him.
You are allowed to go back to the vet to discuss the side effects of the palliative treatment and possible adjustments, though. It can be tricky to balance the benefits and drawbacks of prednisone.
One of my dearest friends just lost her dog to cancer. During his treatment period, she was focused on whether he was still comfortable and still taking an interest in his little pleasures in life. A (very) slow walk was okay if he clearly wanted to go and wanted to sniff, even if it was only just the plants right by the sidewalk, once he was out. If he had stopped wanting to go outside, or to eat his snacks (this was a dog deeply committed to snacking as a way of life), that would have been the sign for her, I think. But unless he is very distressed, I would give it a few days to see if treatment (or adjusted treatment) helps. To be honest with you, my friend hoped her dog would die in his sleep. It's an easy way to go. (He ended up basically falling into a coma, so they had to take him to the vet for euthanasia, but he wasn't conscious for it.) If you're afraid that he may wake up in his last moments and be afraid, sleep in the same room as him.
Wishing you all the best in this very difficult time.
posted by praemunire at 9:25 AM on April 7, 2023
You are allowed to go back to the vet to discuss the side effects of the palliative treatment and possible adjustments, though. It can be tricky to balance the benefits and drawbacks of prednisone.
One of my dearest friends just lost her dog to cancer. During his treatment period, she was focused on whether he was still comfortable and still taking an interest in his little pleasures in life. A (very) slow walk was okay if he clearly wanted to go and wanted to sniff, even if it was only just the plants right by the sidewalk, once he was out. If he had stopped wanting to go outside, or to eat his snacks (this was a dog deeply committed to snacking as a way of life), that would have been the sign for her, I think. But unless he is very distressed, I would give it a few days to see if treatment (or adjusted treatment) helps. To be honest with you, my friend hoped her dog would die in his sleep. It's an easy way to go. (He ended up basically falling into a coma, so they had to take him to the vet for euthanasia, but he wasn't conscious for it.) If you're afraid that he may wake up in his last moments and be afraid, sleep in the same room as him.
Wishing you all the best in this very difficult time.
posted by praemunire at 9:25 AM on April 7, 2023
You've done everything right. You have given this guy warmth and love and safety for his last days, and that is invaluable. Dogs don't have the same sense of time that we do, he knows only that he is loved and cared for now, and can sense that he can count on you for tomorrow, too.
I agree with the comments above that it's time for a vet assessment of what can be done to make him as comfortable as possible in his last days, including perhaps trading fewer drug side effects for time. Your vet might also suggest setting a definite date for the final visit. (If your vet offers the service, I highly recommend having them come to your home to perform the euthanasia, which might make it much less stressful for both of you. Making some of those decisions now might help take some of the burden of uncertainty off you, as well as lessening the risk that you have to deal with an emergency situation at the end.
Please also be kind to yourself, and try to get some rest and support. My local humane society has peer grief counselling groups that I understand can be very helpful--maybe there are similar things in your area?
posted by rpfields at 9:41 AM on April 7, 2023
I agree with the comments above that it's time for a vet assessment of what can be done to make him as comfortable as possible in his last days, including perhaps trading fewer drug side effects for time. Your vet might also suggest setting a definite date for the final visit. (If your vet offers the service, I highly recommend having them come to your home to perform the euthanasia, which might make it much less stressful for both of you. Making some of those decisions now might help take some of the burden of uncertainty off you, as well as lessening the risk that you have to deal with an emergency situation at the end.
Please also be kind to yourself, and try to get some rest and support. My local humane society has peer grief counselling groups that I understand can be very helpful--maybe there are similar things in your area?
posted by rpfields at 9:41 AM on April 7, 2023
Oh god, you are in such a hard place. You are a gift to that sweet pup, and they a gift to you. You are doing everything right and it is the most crushing thing - I lost my 14 year old pup a month back and it felt like I would never surface.
Agree that it sounds like the time is either now, or very near. When our dog started turning down salami, we knew it wasn't far off. Lap of Love is an excellent home hospice service, if you're in their area. If not, look for "pet home hospice" to find someone to help you, if you're other resources aren't enough.
I'm so sorry.
posted by Pantengliopoli at 12:55 PM on April 7, 2023
Agree that it sounds like the time is either now, or very near. When our dog started turning down salami, we knew it wasn't far off. Lap of Love is an excellent home hospice service, if you're in their area. If not, look for "pet home hospice" to find someone to help you, if you're other resources aren't enough.
I'm so sorry.
posted by Pantengliopoli at 12:55 PM on April 7, 2023
I am so so sorry this happening. I saw this ask go up and wanted to post, but I am glad I waited - yes I said yes I will Yes's first answer is so much better and meaningful than anything I could have penned.
You've shown pup unconditional love, something he's never known until now. He can finally stop fighting and die without fear, and knows you have his back for his final days. Thank you for loving him. Letting go is the final gift you'll be able to give him, and unfortunately it's also the hardest.
Dogs live in the moment. They only know their current moment is one of pain, or it's not. They need us to know for them that the future moments will be better and will be worth living, or they won't. When we know that, we know what we need to do.
I'm so very sorry. I'm in tears for you, understanding how you're feeling and reliving my own memories in similar situations. Just know that the fact you care enough, the fact you're asking this question, means you're doing the best for your pup that you know how to do, and thats all that matters. In the moment there's no right or wrong. Hindsight will always be 20/20, and you will look back and wish you had done things differently - but that will happen no matter what you do over the next hours/days. An internet-stranger shoulder is here for you to cry on, and careful scritches for your good doggo.
posted by cgg at 1:11 PM on April 7, 2023
You've shown pup unconditional love, something he's never known until now. He can finally stop fighting and die without fear, and knows you have his back for his final days. Thank you for loving him. Letting go is the final gift you'll be able to give him, and unfortunately it's also the hardest.
Dogs live in the moment. They only know their current moment is one of pain, or it's not. They need us to know for them that the future moments will be better and will be worth living, or they won't. When we know that, we know what we need to do.
I'm so very sorry. I'm in tears for you, understanding how you're feeling and reliving my own memories in similar situations. Just know that the fact you care enough, the fact you're asking this question, means you're doing the best for your pup that you know how to do, and thats all that matters. In the moment there's no right or wrong. Hindsight will always be 20/20, and you will look back and wish you had done things differently - but that will happen no matter what you do over the next hours/days. An internet-stranger shoulder is here for you to cry on, and careful scritches for your good doggo.
posted by cgg at 1:11 PM on April 7, 2023
I am so, so sorry. So many excellent points have been made above--what a gift of love filled last days you are giving him! Consider googling "quality of life scales" for veterinary care (there are many of them). They have helped me to decide when to say goodbye.
posted by museum nerd at 2:20 PM on April 7, 2023
posted by museum nerd at 2:20 PM on April 7, 2023
He would have succumbed to cancer no matter what. His final days are being spent filled with love and care. Without you, they would have been filled with pain and fear. He can't say "thank you," but if he could, he would.
posted by Dolley at 4:35 PM on April 7, 2023
posted by Dolley at 4:35 PM on April 7, 2023
I just want to add my voice to the chorus, thank you so much for loving this dog. To give an animal a peaceful rest at the end of its life is a hard thing to do, and it’s one of the kindest gifts you can offer. You won’t ever forget him, I can still feel my beloved cats fur under my hands like it was yesterday instead of 20 years. With her we made the decision the first day she refused her favorite foods, letting her go so soon was one of the harder decisions I’ve made and I don’t regret it.
All my love to you and your good boy, he’s so lucky to have you.
posted by lepus at 9:20 PM on April 7, 2023
All my love to you and your good boy, he’s so lucky to have you.
posted by lepus at 9:20 PM on April 7, 2023
Hi everyone, thank you so much for all your heartfelt messages. I’ve read them all over and over and over. I had to let my boy go today, he was not in good shape. My heart is shattered, but I have a locket with his fur in it that I will keep close to my heart. Thank you again. You helped me set him free.
posted by antihistameme at 6:55 AM on April 8, 2023
posted by antihistameme at 6:55 AM on April 8, 2023
(I'm still new here, so not sure if it's okay to resurface a thread like this...)
I just wanted to send some more love and hugs because I know the loss must hurt immensely, and add a little thing I forgot to say: about your concern that you'll lose the specific sensory memories like how your good boy smells/walks/cuddles/gazes - I think you'll be surprised. I was scared of that too, but random things have let the memories float to the surface. Sensory memories are strong. It's like: you know what sand tastes like, right? Grass? A stick? Maybe playdough? All those things, you likely haven't put in your mouth since you were really small, but the memories are strongly anchored in your mind. And in the same way, the exact feeling of how my previous dogs' ears or paws felt like can come up for me, often triggered by current dogs or seemingly random events.
Plus, they're all still alive in my dreams.
I hope you feel some peace today. It's okay to imagine he's still here, just in the other room.
♥ ♥ ♥
posted by toucan at 2:54 AM on April 26, 2023
I just wanted to send some more love and hugs because I know the loss must hurt immensely, and add a little thing I forgot to say: about your concern that you'll lose the specific sensory memories like how your good boy smells/walks/cuddles/gazes - I think you'll be surprised. I was scared of that too, but random things have let the memories float to the surface. Sensory memories are strong. It's like: you know what sand tastes like, right? Grass? A stick? Maybe playdough? All those things, you likely haven't put in your mouth since you were really small, but the memories are strongly anchored in your mind. And in the same way, the exact feeling of how my previous dogs' ears or paws felt like can come up for me, often triggered by current dogs or seemingly random events.
Plus, they're all still alive in my dreams.
I hope you feel some peace today. It's okay to imagine he's still here, just in the other room.
♥ ♥ ♥
posted by toucan at 2:54 AM on April 26, 2023
This thread is closed to new comments.
I am going to ask you to PLEASE drink some water with electrolytes or sugary tea, cuddle up with the dog and try to nap for a bit. When you wake up, please try to reframe your thinking through the dog's eyes:
he has had over a decade of fear, of not knowing how to fill his hungry tummy, where to get scratches from safe people, when it was safe to close his eyes and be warm and snuggly.
He has been courageous and clever and used his wits all day and all night to survive, and he finally met you, and now he is safe.
He can close his eyes without fear. He can sleep long, uninterrupted periods and dream of bunnies and chipmunks and steaks. He can feel the freedom of cuddles from a human who loves him.
You've shown him what love is and he can finally close his eyes, feel joy, and relax. Right now, he is happy and warm and content and you did that for him.
Here comes the hard part. He is ready to go now. His sniffaris are not happymaking, he's not very hungry and his body probably hurts in many places. Pet lovers will always say that our regret was waiting too long.
The truth is that our most important days of pet adoption are when we welcome them into our lives, and the day we show our compassion by helping them cross the rainbow bridge. We allow them the grace and dignity of passing painlessly and quickly and we do this because we love them so. Your boy is tired and content and is showing you he is ready to go.
Please take care of yourself and know that an internet stranger is sending you virtual hugs if you want them. None of this is easy.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:05 AM on April 7, 2023