How to be famous except on the internet
February 11, 2023 2:33 AM Subscribe
My bio-mother is a narcissist. I'm usually low contact and live on the other side of the planet. Against my better judgement I invited her to my recent wedding. There she shared her opinion about me/my activities which could have only come from intense internet searches. Is it possible to maintain my privacy while growing my public profile?
She's now far away back home and while I am reconfirming my boundaries for myself, I'm concerned about this stalkerish behaviour. Trust me when I want her to be on an info-light diet. This is someone who previously "surprised" me by showing up at my workplace one Monday morning when she lived 12,000km away. And lied about it repeatedly.
Post-wedding my partner and I are now moving countries and not sharing more than a PO Box with my family which is a good start.
HOWEVER, my career would totally benefit from a higher public presence and online output. I am pitching a non-fiction book based on my academic work and need a platform for promotion. The subject is quite emotive too, think Brene Brown.
I feel a little bit sick about starting because while she doesn't comment, I now know she reads/sees everything. Any ideas on how to balance this? Has anyone had a similar experience?
She's now far away back home and while I am reconfirming my boundaries for myself, I'm concerned about this stalkerish behaviour. Trust me when I want her to be on an info-light diet. This is someone who previously "surprised" me by showing up at my workplace one Monday morning when she lived 12,000km away. And lied about it repeatedly.
Post-wedding my partner and I are now moving countries and not sharing more than a PO Box with my family which is a good start.
HOWEVER, my career would totally benefit from a higher public presence and online output. I am pitching a non-fiction book based on my academic work and need a platform for promotion. The subject is quite emotive too, think Brene Brown.
I feel a little bit sick about starting because while she doesn't comment, I now know she reads/sees everything. Any ideas on how to balance this? Has anyone had a similar experience?
I mean, having a public presence under one’s own name while not revealing stalker-enabling location/contact/daily activity information is what many public figures do, and it almost seems like you’d want to hire a publicist who has experience with low-level celebrities to manage it for you. But as If only I had a penguin… alludes to, if there’s a connection to an academic institution, I’m not sure how you get around that part even if they’re cooperative.
posted by staggernation at 5:47 AM on February 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by staggernation at 5:47 AM on February 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I've been thinking about it since I posted and I think the real angle of my question is any tips on how to be okay with knowing this person who seemingly despises me/any success of mine can see what I'm up to.
I can mostly stop sharing the personal details (oh cool you looked up my house title and value!) --- but it's the feels that give me the wobbles. I also don't want to limit my ambition because of any anxiety around this!
posted by socky_puppy at 6:06 AM on February 11, 2023
I can mostly stop sharing the personal details (oh cool you looked up my house title and value!) --- but it's the feels that give me the wobbles. I also don't want to limit my ambition because of any anxiety around this!
posted by socky_puppy at 6:06 AM on February 11, 2023
Best answer: I think some of this is going to depend on your personality and goals. I would advise that you sort things into tolerable and intolerable.
For me, letting that relative, assuming they are not a physical threat, dictate my professional steps would be intolerable.
So I would do my thing and if she showed up I'd ask that she be removed from wherever. I would be aware of location data on posts and not post shots of say, hotel lobbies until I was well out of range. Anything "unofficial."
But I would see getting comfortable with the idea that my public posts are public to her as well as something I would want to learn to handle emotionally...I hope that makes sense. On a book tour there is going to be location data available to your mother - places you will be speaking, signing, interviewing, and so forth. Academic conferences. For me again, I would seek to make that tolerable...but I think this is a place where mileage varies a lot.
I'm sorry, that's really tough.
If you're still writing I know sometimes this kind of thing can really disrupt you creatively. I hope that doesn't happen, it sounds like a very intriguing book.
On preview: Take a self-defence class, it might weirdly help.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:09 AM on February 11, 2023 [12 favorites]
For me, letting that relative, assuming they are not a physical threat, dictate my professional steps would be intolerable.
So I would do my thing and if she showed up I'd ask that she be removed from wherever. I would be aware of location data on posts and not post shots of say, hotel lobbies until I was well out of range. Anything "unofficial."
But I would see getting comfortable with the idea that my public posts are public to her as well as something I would want to learn to handle emotionally...I hope that makes sense. On a book tour there is going to be location data available to your mother - places you will be speaking, signing, interviewing, and so forth. Academic conferences. For me again, I would seek to make that tolerable...but I think this is a place where mileage varies a lot.
I'm sorry, that's really tough.
If you're still writing I know sometimes this kind of thing can really disrupt you creatively. I hope that doesn't happen, it sounds like a very intriguing book.
On preview: Take a self-defence class, it might weirdly help.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:09 AM on February 11, 2023 [12 favorites]
I don't know suggestions about safety - but on the feelings side of things it's a rough thing to grow up associating being open about your life and sharing and asserting yourself with feeling some awful or scary flavor of distress [unsafe, shamed, afraid, angry, frustrated, confused, numb, embarrassed, etc]. From experience, it takes time and work to teach your body to unlearn the lessons that kept you safe as a kid.
It also sucks so much that you have to do that in the first place. It wasn't okay that she treated you like that. I find the more I resented and tried to push down the fear or anxiety I felt (b/c I wanted it gone and how dare it still be in me, etc) the bigger it got. I tried really hard to stop feeling it and felt so awful that I couldn't, esp. because it felt like my abuser was still controlling my life. I finally got to a point where I could recognize the anxiety when it appeared, accept that I wish it wasn't and I was sad or mad that it happened, and that it exists because it used to try to protect me when someone hurt me. Learning how to sit with it and see it like that instead of evidence that I was still controlled made it easier to brave old taboo actions.
Something that's helped me is thinking about how I can do things despite how I feel about them - once I decide there's something that's important to me, it's still possible for me to do even if all the old fears rear up (this doesn't apply to situations where you're unsafe). The more experiences I have doing the Thing that used to be terrifying, with support, the easier the next time becomes. I'm amazed at the steps I've been able to take recently that would've been paralyzing years ago.
It sounds like you've already done this - to have grown up with someone stomping all over your existence and yet still going out and building a life for yourself, relationships and a career, and nurturing your own curiosity and humanity is a big damn deal.
Finally, getting a lot of support and comfort and assistance around this is so important! Learning about trauma and processing it, by myself and with others, asking for support from the folks close to me, and getting advice and help learning how to do something new made it possible. And of course it matters so much to have your friends and loved ones understand your situation and respect your boundaries.
posted by Geameade at 7:16 AM on February 11, 2023 [5 favorites]
It also sucks so much that you have to do that in the first place. It wasn't okay that she treated you like that. I find the more I resented and tried to push down the fear or anxiety I felt (b/c I wanted it gone and how dare it still be in me, etc) the bigger it got. I tried really hard to stop feeling it and felt so awful that I couldn't, esp. because it felt like my abuser was still controlling my life. I finally got to a point where I could recognize the anxiety when it appeared, accept that I wish it wasn't and I was sad or mad that it happened, and that it exists because it used to try to protect me when someone hurt me. Learning how to sit with it and see it like that instead of evidence that I was still controlled made it easier to brave old taboo actions.
Something that's helped me is thinking about how I can do things despite how I feel about them - once I decide there's something that's important to me, it's still possible for me to do even if all the old fears rear up (this doesn't apply to situations where you're unsafe). The more experiences I have doing the Thing that used to be terrifying, with support, the easier the next time becomes. I'm amazed at the steps I've been able to take recently that would've been paralyzing years ago.
It sounds like you've already done this - to have grown up with someone stomping all over your existence and yet still going out and building a life for yourself, relationships and a career, and nurturing your own curiosity and humanity is a big damn deal.
Finally, getting a lot of support and comfort and assistance around this is so important! Learning about trauma and processing it, by myself and with others, asking for support from the folks close to me, and getting advice and help learning how to do something new made it possible. And of course it matters so much to have your friends and loved ones understand your situation and respect your boundaries.
posted by Geameade at 7:16 AM on February 11, 2023 [5 favorites]
She won’t stop looking you up. Instead you need to think about how much power looking you up can possibly give her. Assume she’ll continue to go out of her way to be as invasive as possible, especially if she feels like you don’t give her lots of info about your life to begin with.
Break it down by what info might end up being dangerous for you and what might not. It sounds like you’re already doing that to an extent with the P.O. Box. If you have speaking events, what are some steps you could take to get to a place where she won’t attend and try to monopolize your professional time? Could you talk to a venue to inform them ahead of time she might attend? Could you have something standard in your contracts?
It’s impossible to fully predict or control what steps a narcissistic parent might take, but it can be useful to take active steps that limit future pain they can inflict. Therapy can be helpful with this. YMMV but for the protection of my own chosen family, I actually found a ton of relief and space from going no contact, moving my assets to trust, and writing up a legal statement on why my parents should never become guardians to my kiddo in the unlikely event of my death.
Sure I can’t prevent my folks from being creepy and stalker-ish, but I can set foundational boundaries and document any crossing of those boundaries in a way that would make strong legal evidence if I ever need to get a restraining order (which at this point, at least, I don’t think I will).
posted by donut_princess at 9:09 AM on February 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
Break it down by what info might end up being dangerous for you and what might not. It sounds like you’re already doing that to an extent with the P.O. Box. If you have speaking events, what are some steps you could take to get to a place where she won’t attend and try to monopolize your professional time? Could you talk to a venue to inform them ahead of time she might attend? Could you have something standard in your contracts?
It’s impossible to fully predict or control what steps a narcissistic parent might take, but it can be useful to take active steps that limit future pain they can inflict. Therapy can be helpful with this. YMMV but for the protection of my own chosen family, I actually found a ton of relief and space from going no contact, moving my assets to trust, and writing up a legal statement on why my parents should never become guardians to my kiddo in the unlikely event of my death.
Sure I can’t prevent my folks from being creepy and stalker-ish, but I can set foundational boundaries and document any crossing of those boundaries in a way that would make strong legal evidence if I ever need to get a restraining order (which at this point, at least, I don’t think I will).
posted by donut_princess at 9:09 AM on February 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
You could legally change your name, and then not tell her your new name?
That would make it harder for her to Google you...
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 10:43 AM on February 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
That would make it harder for her to Google you...
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 10:43 AM on February 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
I have a family member who resents anything in my life that looks like happiness or success, too.
Others have given great advice about the serious and professional ways to limit your mother's ability to have an impact on your life. But, if you're like me, the issue of giving them free rent in your head is a little more difficult to handle.
One small thing that has helped me is to deliberately share misleading details about inconsequential things that I know will get their goat and lead them down various rabbit holes e.g. photos from a luxury beach vacation in conjunction with a mention of a certain ultra high end resort in a certain location. This usually leads to snarky comments along the lines of "Oh I know about your big blowout in Antigua," and I have the satisfaction of thinking "Haha you idiot, I was nowhere near there, you are making up stories in your own head." Sometimes I even say "No idea where you get these stupid ideas, I've never even been to Antigua."
Petty but satisfying.
posted by rpfields at 12:09 PM on February 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
Others have given great advice about the serious and professional ways to limit your mother's ability to have an impact on your life. But, if you're like me, the issue of giving them free rent in your head is a little more difficult to handle.
One small thing that has helped me is to deliberately share misleading details about inconsequential things that I know will get their goat and lead them down various rabbit holes e.g. photos from a luxury beach vacation in conjunction with a mention of a certain ultra high end resort in a certain location. This usually leads to snarky comments along the lines of "Oh I know about your big blowout in Antigua," and I have the satisfaction of thinking "Haha you idiot, I was nowhere near there, you are making up stories in your own head." Sometimes I even say "No idea where you get these stupid ideas, I've never even been to Antigua."
Petty but satisfying.
posted by rpfields at 12:09 PM on February 11, 2023 [2 favorites]
I know this is standard advice here but I think at therapist could be really helpful when it comes to framing this issue in a way that will make it more tolerable for you. I am not a therapist, so my current attitude on your behalf is: “fuck you, bio stalker. I am smart, accomplished, I’m about to become famous and you’ll just have to eat yourself inside out because I’m not gonna let you into my life and you are just going to have to have your nose pressed against the glass because you are on the outside permanently. You had your chances and you blew them.” Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 1:07 PM on February 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Bella Donna at 1:07 PM on February 11, 2023 [1 favorite]
I like the idea of a pen name; getting married is a good excuse to change your name. You and your spouse can pick a whole new last name, or if they don't want to, you can change. Then publish under your new "married" name.
posted by Threeve at 4:04 PM on February 11, 2023
posted by Threeve at 4:04 PM on February 11, 2023
Best answer: I know this feeling.
I think part of the answer is realizing that while your boundaries keep you safe most of the time, it's always going to be jarring to come face-to-face with the reality of why those boundaries exist. That happened at the wedding. But it sounds like you're generally safe, and you can expect to be there again. I always have a day or two of decompression after an encounter, and realizing that pattern is part of it.
Another part is unwinding yourself from what she does with the information she gleans. This is HARD. As a family of narcissist, you've spent a good deal of your life existing as a prop in her play. Where everything about you is meaningless, valueless, doesn't exist except for how it can reflect on or be used for her ego. You just have to let that go. Make whatever she does or doesn't do, irrelevant to you or how you value your self. Disengage from it. So much easier said than done, but keep trying.
I would not consider changing your identity/name because of her. That's letting her win, honestly.
posted by Dashy at 1:55 PM on February 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
I think part of the answer is realizing that while your boundaries keep you safe most of the time, it's always going to be jarring to come face-to-face with the reality of why those boundaries exist. That happened at the wedding. But it sounds like you're generally safe, and you can expect to be there again. I always have a day or two of decompression after an encounter, and realizing that pattern is part of it.
Another part is unwinding yourself from what she does with the information she gleans. This is HARD. As a family of narcissist, you've spent a good deal of your life existing as a prop in her play. Where everything about you is meaningless, valueless, doesn't exist except for how it can reflect on or be used for her ego. You just have to let that go. Make whatever she does or doesn't do, irrelevant to you or how you value your self. Disengage from it. So much easier said than done, but keep trying.
I would not consider changing your identity/name because of her. That's letting her win, honestly.
posted by Dashy at 1:55 PM on February 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
Would this tool from Google be of help?
As a writer, i've been in similar positions. It helps to check and see how far down in the search results that stuff is. Your work will appear first.
I know there are tools to give you the IP addresses of those searching you, but that's the extent of my knowledge.
Finally, I asked this question about my mom's nosy neighbor stalking my FB page. Here is that discussion. (Since then I have found her profile and blocked it.)
posted by mermaidcafe at 2:31 PM on February 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
As a writer, i've been in similar positions. It helps to check and see how far down in the search results that stuff is. Your work will appear first.
I know there are tools to give you the IP addresses of those searching you, but that's the extent of my knowledge.
Finally, I asked this question about my mom's nosy neighbor stalking my FB page. Here is that discussion. (Since then I have found her profile and blocked it.)
posted by mermaidcafe at 2:31 PM on February 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 5:14 AM on February 11, 2023 [1 favorite]