Suggestions for too many people living together in a small house?
January 25, 2023 1:32 PM   Subscribe

Due to, well, everything, my two adult children (both over 30,) their partners and one toddler have moved in with me. That makes 6 people and a 70 pound dog in a roughly 1400 square foot, 3 bedroom, 1.5 bath house. I would like all the tips, tricks and thoughts you have on group family living in small spaces. Difficulty level: old resentments, untreated mental illness, money issues and more inside.

It had been over a decade since the last time we all lived together and this is not really going very well. I am realizing what a tremendous amount of middle class American privilege we have here, to have actually spent most of our lives in significantly more space. Most of us are accustomed to our own kitchens, bathrooms and living rooms and now that is all gone. I have been living in this house (I own it) for four years, mostly alone – one of my children, who has a difficult background and some mental health issues, often lives with me for long stretches. That arrangement worked mostly okay; the partner (who I quite like) is a new addition since this fall. This is not the house they grew up in, fwiw. We are all on the other side of the country from where we began.

At any rate, I have given up most of the house and moved into the garage. There is only one of me and the family with small child has the living room and one bedroom. The living room was supposed to stay as shared space but, sigh, it hasn't, really. 18 month olds and their equipment take up a lot of space and not just physically. The couple has the other bedroom. Everyone shares the shower and the kitchen and laundry room. I’m the only one currently with a job. The rest of the family contributes food, bought with foodstamps. Unfortunately, see mental illness etc., the food is not by and large being shared, which has created its own issues. They are looking for jobs and will start contributing financially when they get them.

Even though I freely offered this whole arrangement, including the garage conversion into a bedroom (which was not cheap but I hope / believe is an investment in the house) I feel kind of resentful, ngl. So I’m starting therapy this week to help me reframe this and also to learn about this thing you call boundaries. I am also pretty firmly rooted in non-confrontational guess culture and I would really rather eat glass than try to put my foot down and demand that everyone toe the line. It probably wouldn’t work, anyway.

I recognize that this whole situation is kind of a mess; I'm probably not explaining it very clearly and we need a great deal more help than this ask can provide. Therefore, I'd like to tackle the "easy" stuff first: I would love to hear your group living hacks, tips, tricks and suggestions, from chore charts to um, whatever else works. Things like, how do you manage kitchen timing? What about different dietary restrictions and food allergies in a shared and small kitchen? What about cleaning the bathroom and the kitchen? What about kitchen / food storage? Childcare? And in general, how do you make this feel more comfortable and friendly than miserable and cranky? How do you communicate?

Big bonus question: if you can help out with navigating re-emergent past sibling rivalries, old emotional minefields and what has helped on both a practical and emotional level if you moved back in with your parents or your adult kids have moved back in, I would really really appreciate your insights.

Thank you!
posted by mygothlaundry to Human Relations (31 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
 
At the very least I think your children and their partners should be doing all of the chores around the house. From what I can tell there are 4 of them and while they may be looking for work they aren't actually working so there should be plenty of time for them to do all of the cooking, cleaning, and maintenance in the house. Maybe if any of them are handy they can even work on improving the house. Not everyone can contribute financially but everyone has to contribute what they can.

If the allergies are severe then I think you will have to remove the allergens from the home. It's too easy for someone to slip and dealing with the fallout from that would make the situation even worse. If the allergy isn't that bad then it's on the person with the allergy, or their parents to watch what they eat. One of my kids has a mustard allergy but it isn't severe and we've kept mustard in the house but just won't use it for anything we give them.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 1:45 PM on January 25, 2023 [15 favorites]


I can't help with the more complicated emotional stuff but you need to have a logistical meeting with all the adults to figure out a laundry day schedule, a general shower schedule, and how you are going to divide housework for the common areas. You also need to hash out what meals, grocery shopping, and dishes are going to look like. And you need to make sure it’s all written down and reviewed by everyone so you know you’re all on the same page.

Also unless everyone is ok with you listing your adult children as dependents, they should be paying at least a minor rent monthly to help with their portion of utilities.

You should also try to make a point of how available or unavailable you are for childcare. Regardless of whether you want to babysit every day or once every two weeks, try to be upfront with that.
posted by donut_princess at 1:46 PM on January 25, 2023 [9 favorites]


Best answer: House meetings on a schedule (weekly, or whatever can be made to work). Yeah, it's eye-rolly, cringe, whatever... but if you only have house meetings when somebody's about to explode about something, then that's all they're about. The first few will almost certainly be airings of the grievances, but they won't necessarily continue that way. These are where the group as a whole can problem-solve about chores, kitchen times, food allergies, what does "clean" mean, and so forth.

The cleaning checklists at Unfuck Your Habitat might help.

And yes, write down chore charts and schedules, with the knowledge that if they don't work, they can be changed at the next meeting.
posted by inexorably_forward at 1:52 PM on January 25, 2023 [4 favorites]


It sounds like you're pulling away from your family, who took over your house (even though you invited them) and banished you to the garage (even though that was also your choice). Identify what your needs are in this current situation. Not your wants. Your needs, given this reality. Find ways to meet those needs.

And find ways to connect with your children so that you are also developing new ongoing positive associations with them. For example, maybe a regularly-scheduled walk around the neighborhood with each kid/couple? I read that a main source of happiness for many people in life is getting to play with a household child. Take full advantage of having a grandkid around and do the fun part - playing with them.

These are two of the more common shared kitchen food storage arrangements: Everyone gets their own shelf in the fridge and their own cupboard in the kitchen and kitchen tools and dishes are shared. Anything that is for shared use gets a bit of blue painter's tape on it. Alternative: Any private food gets a bit of blue tape.

You know how sometimes it helps to see things in a different light? Several generations of family crammed into one house was my grandmother's dream for as long as I knew her.
posted by aniola at 1:58 PM on January 25, 2023 [17 favorites]


Best answer: Holy cow, so you are the only adult working in a household with five adults and one child? No wonder you are experiencing resentment. That would be tough even if you weren't living in the garage. I get that this situation came about likely because of some challenges your kids were having, but I want to be clear that this is a really tough situation regardless of privilege. Even in cultures where intergenerational living is more common, I can't imagine you'd have many situations where four adults in the prime of their adult lives would not be working for pay, with the exception, perhaps, of one adult who is the child's caregiver, but even then, that's not a guarantee.

I don't think the goal should be working towards feeling okay or good with this, but maybe getting to a point where you can tolerate it, and maybe make the most of having some time with your grandkid (because I am going to guess it's a nice opportunity to have a closer relationship with the little one, even if the situation overall is messy).

I do feel like you all need to have some conversations about whether you are functioning as a whole when it comes to food (meal planning, cooking, eating) or if you are functioning as three separate units (you, the couple without a kid, the couple with a kid), or some combination. There's a lot of space in between a house meeting where you discuss these issues and "I would really rather eat glass than try to put my foot down and demand that everyone toe the line."

So, yeah, I would say get a list of chores (cleaning) and issues (cooking, food storage) and have a conversation with the adults where you all discuss how to manage this. Let the group make decisions on how often to clean the bathroom, for example (and it needs to be something where everyone agrees, not the parent deciding), and then figure out how to do it. Same with the kitchen. Then I would make a list or chart and post it where everyone can see it, so it's not on you to scold Adult #2 into cleaning the bathroom this week.

A friend of mine, until recently, lived in a household of several adults, peers, not family, and this stuff was complicated, even among a group of people who were mostly agreeable and glad to be living together. The kitchen was for sure a challenge because people often want to prepare food and eat around the same time.

So I'd try to, as much as possible, wipe the slate clean in your head and look forward to figure out what needs to be done and how to do it. And absolutely they can be paying some kind of rent, especially if they aren't providing food.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:00 PM on January 25, 2023 [18 favorites]


Best answer: Oh, and in terms of sibling rivalry, or with issues between these adult members of your household: they need to address them with each other, not you. If Adult #2 has an issue with Adult #3, there's absolutely no reason for you to hear about it until Adult #2 has made a very good faith effort to address it with Adult #3. You have to work hard to walk away from grievances that are anything less than an immediate safety issue.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:03 PM on January 25, 2023 [17 favorites]


Best answer: I kind of just want to protect your space in this situation. So I would consider what you can do to make your space great - an armchair? A mini fridge, kettle, and microwave might make all the difference so you can have your own little stash for some nights and not have to deal with the rest. My MIL has a bit more space than you but she has those things -- even though we eat communally for dinner every night -- and it gives her a sense of autonomy. (In our case it's our house, but her and our home if that makes sense.)

Anyways...my other suggestion is to have your kids lead the meetings about how to handle food, develop the chores lists, and food arrangements - obviously with you as a person at the table of that discussion! But I would try to get out of the mindset that this is 'mum's problem to solve.'

One more tip I have is that I've tried to teach my kids to wipe up behind themselves in the bathroom - take a cleaning cloth and wipe down the tub/shower, swish the toilet a bit, wipe out the sink after you brush your teeth and so on. The adults do it too. There's still need for Formal Cleaning but it just makes life more pleasant for everyone. We have a vague shower schedule and deviating from it requires a check-in.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:11 PM on January 25, 2023 [9 favorites]


Best answer: I have shared houses, so here is some stuff from that time.

In one house, everyone pretty much kept themselves to themselves, and this particular setup happened to worked the best for me. This is what we did.

Everyone's food was separate, in separate marked cabinets/shelves, and there were separate spaces in the fridge as well and stuff was marked.

I need some alone time, so if I were in your situation, I might store some non perishables and a mug and dish or two in the garage room/space, and also keep some water and a hot water kettle for tea, and maybe even also a hot plate or toaster oven or small microwave, and a dorm/mini fridge in there as well.

A schedule was worked out for who got the kitchen cooking time, for laundry days, and bathroom time. Note that it was not that people could not be in the kitchen when it was someone else's time to do something quick like grab something out of the fridge, just that the main stove and appliances area was allotted when it was someone's time.

I think it was around that time that I started taking showers in the evenings, and just washed my face etc. and brushed my teeth in the mornings, since bathroom time was more available in the evening. If you did that, you could use the half bath in the morning, for example and leave the full bath to others. I usually dragged my breakfast (something quick to make and easily portable like a toasted english muffin and tea in a thermos) along to work with me and in good weather ate outside before I went in, or in the break room before work started, or even at my desk (when that was an option). I started to make and eat my dinner on the later side. Since you have one couple who has a young kid, maybe it would make sense for them to have the early shift for cooking/eating, for example?

Everyone cleaned their own space, and cleaned up after themselves (and any big messes), and then there was a cleaning schedule for shared spaces. After a lot of debate, the cleaning schedule was set up to be done by month, so one month a certain person/couple was responsible for cleaning shared spaces, and the next month it was a different person, and so on.

There were certain shared supplies, like toilet paper, cleaning supplies, dish soap, laundry detergent, aluminum foil, and a few shared condiments like salt and pepper ... that were considered communal and that everyone paid a share for. If someone bought one of these, the receipt with cost was kept and then on a regular schedule there was a meeting where this was tallied up and people got reimbursed. (It is nice to do something like have hot chocolate or a few snacks around while this is going on.) We otherwise tried to keep house meetings to a minimum, unless issues came up.

I know it is winter, but when the weather is nicer, if you have any space in the yard that can be auxiliary space to the house that can serve as extra breathing room, so if you have some chairs at least people can spill over there to eat, play etc..

I know money is tight, and I've mentioned some things you might have to purchase, but here at least a lot of things are available for free or cheap via the local buy nothing groups and thrift stores etc..

I'm also agreeing very much with bluedaisy on their sibling rivalry comments.
posted by gudrun at 3:13 PM on January 25, 2023 [5 favorites]


If I were you I would get my own mini fridge, kettle, microwave, and toaster (and a smoke detector!!) and just separate my own food in the garage. And a TV or whatever other creature comforts you can stuff in there. I would hide from everyone and let them be chaotic in another space.

I would make a schedule where one adult cleans the bathroom and kitchen every 3 days and it must be done by 4pm that day. Make a checklist of the tasks for each room that is very granular and detailed (wipe kitchen counter with microfibre cloth. wipe bathroom sink with paper towel, wipe toilet with spray cleaner and paper towel, sweep floor, take out recycling, put down a fresh bath mat and tea towels. Put the old bath mat and bathrooml microfibre cloths into the washer on hot. Put them into the dryer. Fold them and put them back in the drawer. etc). Put it in a plastic sheet in a clipboard and provide a dry erase marker to keep track.

Set up the cleaning rotation order so the people who are least able to clean (mental health?) are sandwiched between people who clean well (and shift that periodically so it’s not all falling on one person to pick up the slack).

This way the two wet rooms are getting at least one good clean per week. Put it on a calendar and post it somewhere super obvious and X off the days so it’s visually very obvious whose turn is next. Nag them til they do it. Once it’s a routine life will be way better!

I would also suggest a fun family meal once a week. Something everyone can eat, screens off, try to have a pleasant convo.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 3:17 PM on January 25, 2023 [1 favorite]


You have my permission to feel resentful about this, if that helps! One thing that helped me when I was in a related but less-stressful situation (I had a friend who was in a housing-insecure situation stay with me for several months) was to remind myself that this was a choice I had made (and was continuing to make) because I wanted to help my friend. It was awkward and uncomfortable and I didn't like it. But I liked the alternative of my friend being in an unsafe/financially-crippling housing situation even less.

Like, it's not FAIR that this is your least-sucky option but sometimes (sometimes! admittedly not all the time) it helps to remind yourself that you are doing this because the other options suck more.

(Also I have totally gotten a second job to avoid housemates so I concur: get out of the house if you can, and encourage everyone else to get out of the house too.)
posted by mskyle at 3:24 PM on January 25, 2023 [4 favorites]


Best answer: I have a lot of ideas but first I want to say that you deserve some alone time at home. You can ask them all to leave for a few hours on Saturday or Sunday or whenever you have off. How about 10-1 a.m. or 1-5 p.m.? They can go to a coffee shop, public library (free and warm!) or simply walk around the block but you deserve a break. I would feel resentful too!! You are kind to help and definitely doing the right thing for your grandchild. It's OK to be resentful but hopefully little moments of rest and normalcy may help!
posted by smorgasbord at 3:29 PM on January 25, 2023 [7 favorites]


One more thought, about childcare and the toddler: unless this is a situation where both parents are unwell, then I think it's totally reasonable that the expectation is that the parents are taking care of their child, especially because they aren't working. There should be presumption that anyone other than the parents take care of the child without an explicit request and discussion, just as the dog owners are fully responsible for the dog.

However, in this situation, I might be inclined to really focus on having fun and joyful interactions with the toddler. I know it's a tough situation, but is there a way to think of the time with your grandchild as a gift? I don't mean you need to pretend everything is happy and good, but maybe grandkid time is the silver lining here.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:34 PM on January 25, 2023 [3 favorites]


I don't think it'll do you any good to dwell on questions of Western privilege. Somebody somewhere always has it worse than you do, no matter what your situation is, and there's no point in shaming yourself or your kids for wanting some room to breathe. You're not being a big spoiled baby because you have problems living in your garage while your house is filled to bursting with your stressed-out, unemployed adult children, plus a toddler and a big dog.

Are other living arrangements possible? Do you have to be the one who lives in the garage? Might it work better, and be fairer, for somebody else to live out there while you take one of the bedrooms? A garage would be a small space for a couple, but they're living there rent-free and this whole arrangement is only supposed to be temporary anyway. Are there other relatives that somebody could stay with for a while? Could you possibly pay for somebody to rent a room in another home? Take a hard look at the realities of your situation and try to resist the urge to just maintain a miserable status quo.

Maybe, for right now, the best solution really is for everybody to stay put. If so I'd suggest doing what you can to make the garage space feel more like its own unit. If you can afford to put a bathroom (or at least a sink) in there, do so. If you don't have the funds or space to put in a little kitchen, maybe you can afford a mini fridge and a microwave, and/or a portable washer. Do what you can to make your space more homey and separate from the main house.

Remember, you are doing a lot for everybody, and making big sacrifices a lot of people wouldn't make. You can't be expected to tolerate this forever and you have every right to advocate for your own needs.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:43 PM on January 25, 2023 [10 favorites]


Best answer: House meeting - the key to group living is communication. A weekly hour long house meeting is a great way to make sure that triangulation is not happening. It is also the place to agree on things like a cleaning schedule, laundry schedule, and house rules. Everyone is involved with setting it up, which can create more buy in and makes accountablity to the group as a whole, instead of just to you.
posted by hworth at 4:04 PM on January 25, 2023 [3 favorites]


Best answer: I have multiple neighbors who live 4-6 people in a one-bedroom apartments out of necessity as immigrants without documentation in an expensive area. Often it's multiple generations and sometimes it's multiple families; sometimes there are pets too. Their homes are tidy and organized because everyone does their part. I can imagine it's very hard in some ways but they are making it work. As people have said, I think the key is working together as a team: people pool resources and take turns making meals. Everyone tries to be tidy and has a rotating cleaning schedule. People take breaks by spending time outside when possible or going to public areas like parks and libraries.

I agree with perhaps giving the parents/kid the garage as their main space and taking back a bedroom for yourself. They can keep a basket or two of their kid stuff there and move larger items in and out. Ultimately, it is your house and you get to make the rules. I know confrontation is hard but perhaps reframing it as being for everyone's benefit could help. I'm so glad you are starting therapy, and I hope you feel empowered and at peace from it!

Also, I have a few friends who earn some extra money by doing UberEats, Rover, and TaskRabbit. If full-time or even part-time employment is too hard due to mental illness and childcare needs, they could pick up some odd jobs here and there to help contribute. You could even ask for $100 from each person or couple if that symbolic amount would help you feel better in addition to help with expenses.

You are very kind to help! It's such a hard time economically and psychologically, and I hope the situation improves for you all. And, as I said before, I really recommend asking/demanding a 2-3 hour break of alone time for you at home. They can make it happen and it may make you feel less resentful or at least let you catch your breath!
posted by smorgasbord at 4:27 PM on January 25, 2023 [4 favorites]


It sounds like there’s a lot going on here, and this is a lot of people with a lot of competing capabilities and issues. I want to scream for you and I don’t even know you. I don’t have a good answer, but I do want you to feel empowered to make rules about what people need to do to share your space. Maybe they need to be getting whatever treatment is available to them. Maybe everyone needs to GTFO for 3 hours on Sunday afternoons. And maybe people will make another choice but you get to guard your sanity. Wishing you only the best, man.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 4:44 PM on January 25, 2023 [1 favorite]


Best answer: It might be worth "investing" in a luggable loo or diy version. You might also find it helpful to have appliances that live with you in the garage (mini fridge, instapot, crock pot, air fryer).

If you feel like you are always tripping over stuff... can stuff be moved to the garage, shed, or storage unit?

I would look to what you can do to take advantage of the outdoor space you do have. Outdoor heater? grill? outdoor tables/ seats?

It's helpful for each household to have separate space for kitchen stuff. (Like each house hold gets its own main shelf in the fridge and cabinet). If more pantry space is needed it's (IMHO) worth annexing the living room if things won't fit in the kitchen. I think you also need to be upfront with the adults about what (if any) food resources you can or cannot provide. Remember, food banks are there for those who need it. And some farmer's markets will provide matching $$$ for those on food stamps. You might consider encouraging your other household members to (batch) cook during the workday, or at least provide that as a timeslot on the kitchen schedule.

People need space to store their toiletries. You can get shower curtains with pockets, or some sort of corner shower caddy. If your bathroom is too small for this, then people need to carry their toiletries in and out of the bathroom college dorm style.

I agree that frequent communication is key, and it's unsustainable if all interactions are negative. Perhaps there can be a common tv show of interest? Also look up free events to do in your town.

Childcare duties are the parents' responsibilities. However, if you want to, consider having a regular one on one outing with your grandchild.
posted by oceano at 6:36 PM on January 25, 2023 [1 favorite]


Assuming that they have an average level of internet addiction: consider turning off the internet (overt option) or making it unreliable (covert option).

This will get them out of the house looking for jobs or hobbies, or paying full human attention to the kid or each other or the house.
posted by dum spiro spero at 6:56 PM on January 25, 2023 [10 favorites]


Ugh, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I entirely support the schedules for household chores, and the weekly household meetings. It sounds like your kids are struggling right now, and if you can hold them to responsibilities, even small ones like emptying the dishwasher without a hassle, that's a big win. The chores and meetings will also give their lives much-needed structure.

Speaking of being functioning adults... I think you should start visualizing what it would take for at least some of them to move out on their own. You mentioned mental health issues. Are they capable of being functioning adults on their own? If so, you should start working with them to formulate exit strategies, because this arrangement is not tenable long term. Return to this topic regularly. What's your long-term plan? What did you do this week to work toward that plan? What are you going to do next week to work toward that plan? Will they resent the hell out of this sort of questioning? YES. But the point is not to let them get too comfortable. You can be supportive AND nudge them forward toward their goals at the same time. Sometimes people need external motivation to reach their goals. If they know they're going to have to talk about what they did this week at family meeting, they're going to be more likely to keep their goals in mind.

What I am suggesting is HARD. You have to be confrontational but also keep the peace and maintain structure for them. I don't know what your relationships are like with your kids. They may yell and get defensive at the first mention of a question like, "so did you apply for that job?" and after a while you just want to hide out in the garage because it's easier.

But they also need structure, they need someone to hold their feet to the fire a little, and they need to be kept on track to becoming functioning adults on their own.
posted by cleverevans at 7:42 PM on January 25, 2023 [3 favorites]


At the very least the couple without the kid should move into the garage and you should have the bedroom.
posted by bendy at 8:55 PM on January 25, 2023 [3 favorites]


Nthing all the comments about you taking back your bedroom - it’s your house! At the very minimum you deserve your one preferred space!

Regarding you not wanting anything confrontational, I think you’re viewing it in the wrong way. Don’t view it as an argument, view it as discussions you have to have in order for this social experiment that they have agreed to, to work. The last thing anyone wants is for you to get fed up and to kick them out into the streets (not saying you’d do that but you’d be in your right to).

So. Sit them down and say while you’re happy to accomodate them (literally) for the time being, it’s contingent on a) b) c) d) whatever your rules are. This isn’t up for debate, this is what you need to be ok with them living with you. If they don’t agree, they’re welcome to find alternate arrangements. Ask them what they need from you to work to achieve this. Chore chart, weekly meetings, etc. and you can all work together as a functioning happy family unit. But insist that their continuing to stay there relies on them meeting you halfway.

It’s not fair that they get to upend your life but you also owe them clear communication on about what you need so resentment doesn’t poison the well. It’s not confrontation, it’s communication and it’s what any adults in this situation would have to do to make this work.

You can do this! PS I think you’re amazing, don’t let them take advantage of you.
posted by Jubey at 10:17 PM on January 25, 2023 [4 favorites]


1. All adults capable of working must work and contribute to household expenses. If they have a vehicle, they can DoorDash, TaskRabbit, Instacart, or other gig jobs while they look for something different, or they can sign up with a temp agency.

2. Establish an end date for the situation. Difficult experiences are much more tolerable if it's not open-ended. This can be 6 months or a year from now, but this sounds unsustainable in the long term.

3. Is your daughter still with the same partner whose mother has a vacation home? Perhaps they can stay there instead. What about other parents, grandparents, other relatives? Surely with three families involved there are more resources than just you.

4. Yes to house meetings. You are going to have to have some uncomfortable group conversations. This is not a bad thing! A little discomfort can be very motivating for people to make better choices and be more mindful of their impact on others. The important thing is not to be a doormat and allow your house guests to steamroll over your needs just because you're mom and you love them.
posted by ananci at 2:48 AM on January 26, 2023 [5 favorites]


Best answer: I'm also a person with a high need for privacy and a low tolerance for drama and conflict, and I'll share what I've been working on in therapy:

Sometimes, it's less about boundaries and limits and expectations, and more about cultivating radical acceptance.

You start seeing people as weather, and only supervillains try to control the weather. Reasonable people adapt their habits and dress correctly.

So there's some stuff you can change, via communication and expectations. Kid clutter is controllable. Children at this age like to help, and will pick up toys and put them in bins. I have a young child, they can and will do chores, and the parents can lock those habits in.

Some stuff is weather, like mental illness. That's something you dress for.

It's not helpful to frame things in, "well other people have it worse," because it's not a competition and you'll be focused on a shame narrative instead of validation and problem solving.

Instead, frame it as, "I am making a sacrifice for my family, but that doesn't mean I completely sacrifice myself. I will not cease to exist. I will not sacrifice my home. I can set reasonable expectations, while accepting that some things about them are weather."
posted by champers at 3:09 AM on January 26, 2023 [11 favorites]


Best answer: This sounds truly awful, i am so sorry.
Does this situation have an end date? Your mentioning a remodelled garage makes me think not.
If no end date was discussed, this is where i would invest my energy into before all else. Perhaps this can be your goal in therapy: to get to a point when you are able to do that.
I hate confrontation, and have in the past always neglected myself to avoid confrontation of any kind and bent over backwards for others. It is not sustainable, eventually you pay the price.
If you can only focus on one of the many issues, focus on defining how long family with toddler will stay with you, as it seems the other adult child has been staying with you before without sending you to the garage?
Second, i would focus on your own comfort.
I think that having some means to prepare food for yourself in your room is a good idea.
But:
If your adult kids get to comfortable they will have no incentive to leave. Let them fight about food and kitchen time and bathroom time etc. , don't get involved, beyond what serves you: put up a list for bathroom use, kitchen use. Sign up for your slot. Let them sort theirs.
Shopping: I would keep groceries seperate, suggest they put stickers on stuff. Suggest they put them in labelled bins. Keep yours seperate.
I have experience with (voluntary, not family) communal leaving, and buying communal groceries (and communal cooking) is a huge headache among people at odds with each other. If you have to facilite communal groceries and cooking it will drain you. Also the groceries for a family with a toddler will be so different from ppl without toddler to feed.
Who buys the diapers, supplies for toddler care etc? I assume family with toddler has more food stamps? Or do they depend on you for that?
For toilet paper, cleaning supplies etc, i would try a joint fund/ use of the food stamps. But if this leads to big fights that burden you, keep your own supply and let them hash it out.
Cleaning - personally i would let it slide. Pick your hill to die on. It is true a filthy bathroom is horrible. But if you lack the energy, let it go and see if the others find a solution. don't make it all Clean and nice. Let them see what it is like If you don't do it.

Also I wonder if your childrens respective partners may be more open to listen to you and your needs than your children?

I don't think there are any easy solutions here, and harmony is likely impossible to achieve, but i think if you (with help of a therapist) can manage communicating that you as a person have needs and limits it will be huge.

Also, i agree, comparing yourself and calling yourself privileged or whatever does not help at all, only adds another layer of guilt.
Lastly, If you lived here and we knew each other in real life, i would recommend seeking help from social services as i have for myself and my son, and am still benefiting immensely, but our system here in Austria is actually helpful, and i assume that it is not an option where you live.
posted by 15L06 at 4:51 AM on January 26, 2023 [5 favorites]


Sorry you opened your home to a bunch of free loaders. They are your relatives, and you assuredly love them, but the only way to end this situation is to stop providing free housing.

All the housekeeping and other advice in this thread is useful, but my read is you are dealing with people who are not appreciative or motivated. Not sharing food sounds obnoxious and petty. Who is going to clean the bathroom? Uh, the one who is not working all week and paying all the bills. This isn’t a co-housing scenario where everyone works together, it is you being taking advantage of. Of course you are going to feel resentment!

Which is why I think you need to set up a time for how long this will last.

It doesn’t matter that you agreed to whatever you agreed to, it is your house and you are not happy with the situation, you are allowed to change your mind.

One version of this would be:
--Within one month or sooner, either your daughter or son-in-law get a job. Starting in March, you charge rent—even a small amount to disrupt them being so dependent. Some parents do the trick where they take the “rent” money and save it to assist in future move out. Within a year they will need to vacate completely or paying full rent. (Was any of this discussed prior? Do they intend to stay with your forever? Have you talked actual numbers?)

--Within the next two or three months, son’s girlfriend should move out. I get taking in your daughter, son-in-law, and their kid, but there is no reason you should be housing this person, as nice as she might be. Even if your daughter’s family was not around, it would still would not be a good idea for her to be living for free in your home.

--For your son, I think you were okay with accepting less than great behavior from him, it was either not a huge burden on you, or you didn’t want to deal with the consequences. Now it has become particularly hard because of the added people, sibling relationship, etc.. I think you need to assess what you want to provide for him as an on-going thing. Is it unrealistic for him to hold a job? Maybe you’ll always have a room for him, you’re his mother. But letting his unemployed gf move in with no expectation of contribution? That was a bad idea.

Lastly, I remember your blog about your move/road trip to the west coast (it was hilarious and fun to read!). You worked so freaking hard to establish your new home. It is sad to hear that you have pretty much given it all away. A good therapist will help you get it back.

Good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 6:02 AM on January 26, 2023 [4 favorites]


One tiny thing that might help: provide a grocery list of the things you want, and make it clear that you expect them to be top priority when they go shopping. That'll at least help solve some of the food sharing issues that affect YOU.

You may not be interested in taking on this work, but if I were in your situation I'd generate a list of dinners everyone can eat (even if it's not their favorite) and assign different people to cook at least four nights a week (once for each of the freeloading adults). That would ensure that you get fed without having to fight for the kitchen. Ideally, everyone eating together would also help reduce tensions, but YMMV!
posted by metasarah at 8:39 AM on January 26, 2023 [1 favorite]


Best answer: You're doing the earning and managing the situation, and it's way too much. Have a family meeting, required attendance, and tell them you are overwhelmed and need them to help. They can decide how chores will be apportioned; as a group you can decide on minimum standards. Cooking, shopping, cleaning, outdoor work, etc. Care of the 18 month old and cleaning up after the toddler are pieces of work that should be considered, not necessarily just to the parents. Dogwalking & cleanup. And, yes, weekly meetings to make sure things are working.

You're the Mom, and your kids are used to you being the caretaker, and that has to change. This is wildly unfair. Accepting unfairness is not the parent you want to be, and your adult children are still your children. Require them to step up. Temp work almost always exists; it's not the worst way to find a job. Anyone not working should be volunteering at least some of their time. They should all be looking for all the assistance possible. WIC, as well as food stamps, food bank.

Confrontation is a drag. Try to find a way to tell them what you need and what you can give, and allow them to problem solve. Nobody really appreciates us when we don't require respect. If this were me, and I have done something similar, my resentment would be simmering, and stuff like that always bursts out, so resolving it is way better than avoiding it until it explodes. The tough love for you is that you have to teach them to take care of and respect you, and that your needs are as important as every other one of theirs. You can do this, and you deserve to live in your home comfortably and reasonably.
posted by theora55 at 9:06 AM on January 26, 2023 [2 favorites]


Just wanted to say I'm sorry that you're going through this! I know a married couple in a similar situation. Family therapy helped them, but they are only dealing with one mentally ill adult child in a small household, so YMMV.

Individual therapy sounds like a great place for you to start. I hope that it provides you with the resources that you need to effectively manage this situation.
posted by carnival_night_zone at 9:17 AM on January 26, 2023 [1 favorite]


On a practical level, define time when you expect the kitchen and bathroom to be yours. Share food. Apportion bathroom space; I find tote bags really handy for storing daily use stuff, and I get them at thrift shops. Even re-usable shopping bags will work. Or use plastic buckets. Put a tote bag in the hall for each person. Misc. crap they leave out can go there.

Parents need to manage the toddler toys. Plastic buckets (Walmart always has them for .98/each or less) for small toys. 1 ride-on or large toy out at a time. Baby changing gear can be in a tote bag or basket, baby can be changed on a mat.

Not sharing food as a family leads to bad feelings; have a couple family meals every week, at least.

I hope the renovated garage is your choice.

I agree that the situation needs to have a deadline. Each person should have a goal and a plan for reaching it. Of course it won't be rigid, but hanging out at Mom's not working is depressing AF. Check in on progress, not necessarily did you apply for jobs as much as what progress are you making on your goals. That goes for you, too. Defining your own goals will help you see things more clearly. It can be wonderful to have family around, but boundaries are necessary.

I also read your blogs and love your adventurous spirit. Maybe it will be easier if you realize that this is an adventure, but right now it's killing your spirit.
posted by theora55 at 9:27 AM on January 26, 2023 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Thanks everyone for the kind words and thoughtful answers! I really appreciate all your care and concern; I am very moved, actually. And for the garage, well, it's actually better than my old bedroom in that the half bath is in there, so I get my own bathroom. It's also far enough away from the rest of the house that there's more privacy and silence, so, not moving back. Aesthetically it's. . . well, much better since the contractors added several windows and I painted it orange! It's a very small garage but it's bigger than my old room, so Harvey the dog and I are okay in our orange studio. I am also treasuring and reminding myself to treasure this time with my grandchild; she is a delight and she will only be little once. Thanks again for all the kind thoughts!
posted by mygothlaundry at 1:51 PM on January 26, 2023 [13 favorites]


I'm so glad you are feeling supported because you deserve it!! Also, wow, your garage bedroom sounds like a lovely suite for you and your pup Harvey. You know, I don't have many regrets in life but I certainly wish I could have lived with one of my grandparents growing up, even for a short time. We saw each other a lot but living together is extra special.

Again, you are so kind to welcome your family back into your home. I know it's not ideal and I hope everyone can find something more ideal in the near future. I am an older Millennial and gotta say that our generation really has it rough. I'm doing OK but we've basically been dealt with one financial setback after another. It's really nice to have a parent to fallback on in whatever way that might be. I feel really confident that once you've had a few therapy sessions you'll have more clarity and a plan. We are cheering for you!!
posted by smorgasbord at 2:26 PM on January 26, 2023 [2 favorites]


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