Seek advice regarding choosing a church.

January 1, 2023 6:36 AM

Lately, I'm thinking I'd maybe like to start going to church. I was raised Roman Catholic but quit going to church when I was in my late teens. I could go back to the Catholic church, but it really isn't a good fit for me.

Here is my church wish-list:
Non fire and brimstone.
Doesn't push the idea that God has a plan for us.
Doesn't spend a lot of time focusing on sin.
Is open-minded about societal things like gender, reproduction, etc.
Includes lots of music and opportunity to sing.

posted by SageTrail to Religion & Philosophy (17 answers total)

Check out Unitarian Universalist church if there is one near you.
posted by mareli at 6:54 AM on January 1, 2023 [21 favorites]

As a "working girl" in her 20s in London immediately after WWII, my mother did the rounds. Life was austere and many of the places of worship were warmer than her tiny flat. She flirted with Buddhism and the Society of Friends but eventually came back to the Episcopalian heartland of the Church of England. I channel her advice to suck it and see: turning up for a few Sundays [or Saturdays, or Fridays!] is not a commitment. If you clock the times of worship you can knock off several places each weekend. Also, your experience will differ among different parishes of the same umbrella body.
posted by BobTheScientist at 6:56 AM on January 1, 2023 [8 favorites]

Try a United Church. Similar to you in background and I went to one for a couple of years. Very hippy-dippy. They wouldn't even say the word "kingdom" but replaced it with "kindom" wherever it appeared in the Bible. They switched up the pronouns and of course all are welcome. Very progressively focused in its prayer intentions and in its works.

Also, things that came as a surprise to someone from a catholic background: Very sociable (like people stay after the service and eat cookies or whatever together) and (I realize this is an unfair criticism of a Protestant church but...) Very WASPy.

For a similar theological and progressive view but more Catholic-style ritual and (ironically) less WASPy, try an Anglican church. I tried some of those. I found then much more diverse since they're absolutely full of people fleeing Catholicism but the heavy ritual (that I'm sure draws many former Catholics) was not for me.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:06 AM on January 1, 2023 [4 favorites]

Different churches of the same denomination can have such different vibes so if you’re comfortable sharing your location, we could even give you more specific recommendations. Good luck with your spiritual journey — this is exciting!
posted by smorgasbord at 7:07 AM on January 1, 2023 [6 favorites]

You're probably going to have to "audition" different churches in your area to find one that really works for you but if you're in the US some denominations of interest include:

United Church of Christ (especially "open and affirming" congregations)
The Episcopal Church
The Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (I don't have a lot of direct experience with this denomination but a college friend is a pastor and when he posts his sermons on facebook they seem pretty cool!)

Some of the other "mainline Protestant" denominations could probably fit the bill for you. Non-denominational churches are a possibility depending on where you're located.

Different churches in these denominations can vary quite a lot in terms of worship style and open-mindedness, so poke around the local church's website to get a sense of the vibe before you go, and if there are multiple options in your area don't necessarily write off a whole denomination if you don't like the first church service you attend.

Unitarian Universalists meet all you requirements (how much music there is depends on the congregation) but just be aware that most congregations are not explicitly Christian (although the worship style has a lot in common with Christian worship and most Christian holidays are celebrated).
posted by mskyle at 7:08 AM on January 1, 2023 [7 favorites]

Why are Roman Catholic churches not a good fit? There are certainly things to dislike in the upper leadership, but there is also a lot of variation in the culture of individual parishes.

The Unitarian Universalists meet most of what you want, though in my limited experience there may not be as much music and singing as you're looking for.

Among mainline Protestant denominations, the Episcopalians and United Church of Christ are often considered the most open-minded, followed by Methodists and Lutherans.

If you're in the US, you might also find a lot of music and singing in large non-denominational churches. Be forewarned, though, that some of these are a lot more conservative than you're looking for.
posted by box at 7:14 AM on January 1, 2023 [1 favorite]

I was also raised Roman Catholic, left the church, explored Wicca and Paganism in college, abandoned religion altogether, then started exploring again. I looked into my local options for United Universalist, Episcopalian, Polish Catholic, and Quaker. While I ended up in none of those communities, it was interesting to test the waters and see what they each were like. I suspect I would have ended up in the Episcopalian community if I hadn't ended up joining my partner's (non-Christian) religion. I am, however, deeply satisfied with the leadership, wider community, and depth of both academic and spiritual study I am finding in this new community. My advice? Check out your local churches, attend services, talk to community members and leaders both lay and ordained. You won't know what clicks until you attend and make an effort to be in the community, and each individual community can be so very different.
posted by carrioncomfort at 7:33 AM on January 1, 2023 [3 favorites]

So much of this is going to depend entirely on where you are in the world. In some parts of the US (particularly southeastern US), congregations of the Presbyterian Church USA are going to be the most progressive. Other types of Presbyterians are absolutely not. In other places, other denominations are going to be more progressive. In the US, almost everybody without a denominational affiliation on their sign is not going to be progressive at all. (A lot of them are actually Southern Baptist and embarrassed about it.)

If music is what you care about, be aware that there are a few main camps in church music (in the US--I don't know how strong this split is elsewhere). Most historically Black congregations have choirs, church musicians, and huge devotion to congregational song in the Black gospel tradition. Among historically white congregations, some have a choir and organist and focus primarily on traditional music from the classical tradition; most of these will emphasize congregational singing of hymns. While others have a "praise band" that performs contemporary Christian music and much more focus on the performance of the band versus congregational song.
posted by hydropsyche at 7:55 AM on January 1, 2023 [3 favorites]

I also came to say that you might want to look at less conservative but still liturgical churches like the Episcopalians (ECUSA) or ELCA Lutherans.

Be aware that there are a few kinds of Lutheran in the US and the other "main" branches -- Missouri Synod and Wisconsin Synod, LCMS and LCWS -- are SUBSTANTIALLY more conservative than ELCA. Likewise there are now other branches of Anglicanism in the US beyond the ECUSA, and the new branches are more or less specifically organized to be more conservative. ACNA, maybe others.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 8:17 AM on January 1, 2023 [9 favorites]

The Episcopalian liturgy will feel at least quasi-familiar to you as a Catholic (they are distant cousins, basically). As hydropsyche points out, there is a split in the approach to music. You will sing hymns as a congregation, but many of the fanciest Episcopal churches will have church choirs (open to the congregation, but you have to commit to practice) to carry some of the load, and a few have basically professional choirs, which are very beautiful but may not suit your worship style. However, attending a single Sunday service should make the church's approach clear.

And, yeah, the new schismatic Anglicans are specifically and deliberately homophobic creeps, to be avoided. Look for the white shield with the red cross and the blue bit in the upper left corner, accept no substitutes.
posted by praemunire at 11:11 AM on January 1, 2023 [4 favorites]

The Episcopal church may scratch the itch for ritual you may have developed as a young Catholic while also being one of the more open and liberal of the Protestant churches I've had experience with.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:33 AM on January 1, 2023 [2 favorites]

Episcopalian. The liturgy and lectionary are virtually identical to the Catholics, and the music is awesome. They are generally liberal.
posted by Melismata at 11:57 AM on January 1, 2023 [1 favorite]

Episcopalian, for the reasons covered above.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:36 AM on January 2, 2023

With regards to the ELCA, you can look for "Reconciling in Christ" (RIC) congregations. Churches that are RIC have gone through a discernment process and a vote to welcome GLBTQ+ folks.

As I understand it, Catholic, Episcopal, and Lutheran churches are "liturgical" so Episcopal or Lutheran churches may feel more "at home".
posted by elmay at 8:04 AM on January 2, 2023 [2 favorites]

The UCC church I attend fits your wish list. As was already mentioned, you might want to look specifically for an open and affirming church. There is a church finder on the UCC site.
posted by maurice at 10:09 AM on January 2, 2023 [1 favorite]

I work at, but for reasons am not a parishioner at, an Episcopal Church that meets your requirements.
posted by ChristineSings at 2:30 PM on January 2, 2023 [1 favorite]

As I understand it, Catholic, Episcopal, and Lutheran churches are "liturgical" so Episcopal or Lutheran churches may feel more "at home".

Methodists and Presbyterians are also liturgical churches. Much Methodist liturgy is indistinguishable from Episcopalian liturgy as they come from the same tradition. Presbyterians, as a Reformed (Calvinist) church, have a different liturgical style that is shared with Dutch Reformed and a few other denominations of that lineage, but PCUSA is the most progressive of the Reformed tradition in the US (again, all of this varies greatly among churches and absolutely among continents).
posted by hydropsyche at 5:10 AM on January 3, 2023 [1 favorite]