What is the correct thing to do after mistakenly misgendering someone?
November 14, 2022 5:52 PM Subscribe
Someone I encounter in a business has a name tag listing their pronouns as they/she. I use they, which I assume to be their preference about 80% of the time, but have several times slipped, within their earshot and used the wrong pronoun. Should I apologize and correct myself? Should I just pretend it didn't happen and make a stronger effort to do better? Added complication: In the presence of my 5 year old.
Obviously if I misgender them, it increases the probability that my child will, too. I haven't explicitly explained the pronoun thing to my son and don't know if he's noticed that I mostly use one pronoun and sometimes use the other. I would explain to him that I made a mistake and I will try not to make that mistake again, but I am worried that if I do explicitly explain he will go and repeat the entire explanation to this person (basically mansplaining their gender and my mistake to them) which would obviously be even more awkward and potentially hurtful. We go back to this place often enough that explaining after we go home would not prevent the eventual mansplaining of gender.
The person has shown no reaction to my misgendering, but I assume it doesn't feel good. I know it is my job to just do better, but this may not be the last time in my life that I misgender someone and I want to know what the least hurtful most appropriate thing to do is. Please don't gang up on me for misgendering in the first place. I know it is my job to get it right and I deeply regret failing in this.
Obviously if I misgender them, it increases the probability that my child will, too. I haven't explicitly explained the pronoun thing to my son and don't know if he's noticed that I mostly use one pronoun and sometimes use the other. I would explain to him that I made a mistake and I will try not to make that mistake again, but I am worried that if I do explicitly explain he will go and repeat the entire explanation to this person (basically mansplaining their gender and my mistake to them) which would obviously be even more awkward and potentially hurtful. We go back to this place often enough that explaining after we go home would not prevent the eventual mansplaining of gender.
The person has shown no reaction to my misgendering, but I assume it doesn't feel good. I know it is my job to just do better, but this may not be the last time in my life that I misgender someone and I want to know what the least hurtful most appropriate thing to do is. Please don't gang up on me for misgendering in the first place. I know it is my job to get it right and I deeply regret failing in this.
Best answer: The correct thing to do is not to make A Big Deal out of your mistake, i.e.,
“I was asking Person what [wrong pronoun] - excuse me, what [correct pronoun] think(s) about this”
Everyone makes mistakes, including trans and enby folks. Just correct your mistake immediately and continue on.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 6:05 PM on November 14, 2022 [37 favorites]
“I was asking Person what [wrong pronoun] - excuse me, what [correct pronoun] think(s) about this”
Everyone makes mistakes, including trans and enby folks. Just correct your mistake immediately and continue on.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 6:05 PM on November 14, 2022 [37 favorites]
Best answer: I'm not sure what you mean by the wrong one - do you mean using she instead of they?
If she is on the name tag, I wouldn't consider it to be wrong to use. It could be a situation where this person might prefer they, but they don't want to make it *a thing* in a work place and make it harder than it already is. They could genuinely not care. The point of a name tag is to communicate acceptable forms of address, and I wouldn't take it on yourself to infer more from the order.
Regardless, I think you should beat yourself up less here. It's not like a switch you can easily switch in your brain and if the other thing pops out you've failed to take adequate steps - it takes practice to get used to using a different pronoun.
The brain will default to a certain thing, and that's not a sign of an absence of trying hard enough. It can be uncomfortable for a person when people overreact to using a different pronoun for them by accident.
While everyone's mileage may vary, I don't personally feel an express apology is needed for incidental occasions like this provided that someone is generally doing their best and evidently making an effort. I would avoid any course of action resulting in a conversation with this employee about their gender, which they almost certainly do not want to have.
Rather than orienting your education of your son concerning gender pronouns around this situation, I would find some other opportunity to provide him with examples of pronouns being asked about and used in age-appropriate media.
posted by lookoutbelow at 6:10 PM on November 14, 2022 [7 favorites]
If she is on the name tag, I wouldn't consider it to be wrong to use. It could be a situation where this person might prefer they, but they don't want to make it *a thing* in a work place and make it harder than it already is. They could genuinely not care. The point of a name tag is to communicate acceptable forms of address, and I wouldn't take it on yourself to infer more from the order.
Regardless, I think you should beat yourself up less here. It's not like a switch you can easily switch in your brain and if the other thing pops out you've failed to take adequate steps - it takes practice to get used to using a different pronoun.
The brain will default to a certain thing, and that's not a sign of an absence of trying hard enough. It can be uncomfortable for a person when people overreact to using a different pronoun for them by accident.
While everyone's mileage may vary, I don't personally feel an express apology is needed for incidental occasions like this provided that someone is generally doing their best and evidently making an effort. I would avoid any course of action resulting in a conversation with this employee about their gender, which they almost certainly do not want to have.
Rather than orienting your education of your son concerning gender pronouns around this situation, I would find some other opportunity to provide him with examples of pronouns being asked about and used in age-appropriate media.
posted by lookoutbelow at 6:10 PM on November 14, 2022 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Sevensnowflakes has it exactly right! Just correct yourself quickly and move on without making a big deal out of it.
As a side note, it's not necessarily the case that someone who lists their pronouns as they/she has a strong preference for they. They may be perfectly fine with both pronouns. If you have a moment to talk to the person while they're not busy working, it would be fine to ask whether they have a preference.
posted by mekily at 6:13 PM on November 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
As a side note, it's not necessarily the case that someone who lists their pronouns as they/she has a strong preference for they. They may be perfectly fine with both pronouns. If you have a moment to talk to the person while they're not busy working, it would be fine to ask whether they have a preference.
posted by mekily at 6:13 PM on November 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Yeah, if both are on their name tag, I don't think this is as big a deal as you think it is. Even if they prefer "they," they've signaled they're also ok with "she"!
Other than that, sevensnowflakes is right on the money with the quick correction and then moving on.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 6:17 PM on November 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
Other than that, sevensnowflakes is right on the money with the quick correction and then moving on.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 6:17 PM on November 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: To clarify, I have said "he." Having 2/3 acceptable pronouns, I have chosen the 1/3 that is not acceptable.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 6:26 PM on November 14, 2022
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 6:26 PM on November 14, 2022
Best answer: I reiterate my previous comments in the latter paragraphs - I don't think this is actually a conscious "choice" in the sense of deserving the kind of moral condemnation your are assigning yourself. It's a default reaction you are trying to intercept and pre-empt with a different conscious brain thing. It becomes more natural over time. Follow the advice above about quickly correcting and moving on, and try not to let your feelings about it become the thing.
posted by lookoutbelow at 6:32 PM on November 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by lookoutbelow at 6:32 PM on November 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Okay, then that's a quick correction in the moment if you can catch it in time. If not, when you do notice, if you can slip in a correct usage as soon afterwards as possible that's a good way to train your brain and also signal to them that you are trying to get it right. They most likely do not want to deal with an apology from you every time you slip up.
If your son asks, would a simple "I got my words mixed up and meant to say 'they'" get the job done? Save the more general "respect for pronouns" conversation for a different context.
posted by Stacey at 6:33 PM on November 14, 2022 [6 favorites]
If your son asks, would a simple "I got my words mixed up and meant to say 'they'" get the job done? Save the more general "respect for pronouns" conversation for a different context.
posted by Stacey at 6:33 PM on November 14, 2022 [6 favorites]
I don’t think it’s possible for a 5 year old to mansplain but I know kids can be little pedants and sometimes at the worst times. I think the thing to do is to quickly go, “oops, I meant [correct pronoun] makes the best coffee!” The kids I know who have been exposed to this seem to get it pretty easily. In this case, I’d let it go. Maybe you can talk about pronouns more generally with your kiddo and about your desire to be respectful and “get it right.”
posted by amanda at 6:41 PM on November 14, 2022
posted by amanda at 6:41 PM on November 14, 2022
Best answer: Yeah, just correct yourself immediately! (Don't apologize, which draws attention to it and puts the onus on them to forgive, though "oh sorry" in the same way you might use "oops" is fine.) I have been known to use the wrong pronoun for people I've known for YEARS who have been out for YEARS; I also forgot the name "The Dukes of Hazzard" the other day and said "Property Brothers but cars." Brains be doing shit! I know this commonly gets lumped in with more aggressive misgendering but in many (not all) cases I think it belongs more in the category of "slip of the tongue" or "language error." I think you can frame it to your son this way—"sometimes our brain knows one thing but our mouth says something else by mistake."
That said! If it's happened several times you do need to get better about it. Try consciously constructing sentences in your head about the person where you say things like "they are someone I encounter in a business, they wear a name tag, I am often with my child when I see them," just factual descriptions of this person where you get used to using the right pronoun. Like anything else it can take practice to change your habits.
posted by babelfish at 7:00 PM on November 14, 2022 [5 favorites]
That said! If it's happened several times you do need to get better about it. Try consciously constructing sentences in your head about the person where you say things like "they are someone I encounter in a business, they wear a name tag, I am often with my child when I see them," just factual descriptions of this person where you get used to using the right pronoun. Like anything else it can take practice to change your habits.
posted by babelfish at 7:00 PM on November 14, 2022 [5 favorites]
Best answer: In my experience most trans people can tell the difference between "brain still internalizing accurate information" and "someone is being shitty on purpose", and nobody's immune from the occasional difficulty with a name or pronoun or surname or title change. The important part is to make the correction about the correction, rather than about them or about you. Anxiety may urge you to make a big production of the apology to show how much you mean it, but I strongly recommend keeping it at 3-4 words: either something like "so sorry, they" or "sorry, I mean she". And then keep going.
And THEN, go home and sing The Pronouns Song, and follow the advice therein to practice out of their earshot. Do it out loud, because that's part of the brain-mapping process, and you may want to do it in handwriting and typing to form multiple pathways.
Brains are weird. I have a friend whose identifiers changed halfwayish though a 20-year friendship and I never have a problem in present and future tense, but occasionally when talking about something that happened before that period in time I will remember the right name - because my brain promptly backfilled that into historical memory without any real effort on my part - but say the wrong pronoun and not even hear myself do it.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:33 PM on November 14, 2022 [8 favorites]
And THEN, go home and sing The Pronouns Song, and follow the advice therein to practice out of their earshot. Do it out loud, because that's part of the brain-mapping process, and you may want to do it in handwriting and typing to form multiple pathways.
Brains are weird. I have a friend whose identifiers changed halfwayish though a 20-year friendship and I never have a problem in present and future tense, but occasionally when talking about something that happened before that period in time I will remember the right name - because my brain promptly backfilled that into historical memory without any real effort on my part - but say the wrong pronoun and not even hear myself do it.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:33 PM on November 14, 2022 [8 favorites]
I would emphasize the correct yourself in context. "I saw he wore a cool hat. Sorry, I saw she wore a cool hat" is a lot better than "I saw he wore a cool hat. Sorry I meant she"
This is good for two reasons:
1) practicing the correct word in a sentence is the way to teach it to yourself better, like you would if you said the wrong word while learning a foreign language.
2) it makes it so the last thing you said is the sentence that meant to be part of the conversation, which is what people normally would respond to, which keeps the conversation on track, vs ending on a pure grammar note, which invites derails about that
posted by aubilenon at 7:40 PM on November 14, 2022 [25 favorites]
This is good for two reasons:
1) practicing the correct word in a sentence is the way to teach it to yourself better, like you would if you said the wrong word while learning a foreign language.
2) it makes it so the last thing you said is the sentence that meant to be part of the conversation, which is what people normally would respond to, which keeps the conversation on track, vs ending on a pure grammar note, which invites derails about that
posted by aubilenon at 7:40 PM on November 14, 2022 [25 favorites]
Correct yourself and move on. Assuming your kid didn't know this person when they were using a different pronoun, it is highly likely that your kid either hasn't noticed or thinks you made a mistake, which you did.
I've spent far, for more emotional energy making cis people feel better about their pronoun errors than I've expended on their actual errors.
posted by hoyland at 7:45 PM on November 14, 2022 [7 favorites]
I've spent far, for more emotional energy making cis people feel better about their pronoun errors than I've expended on their actual errors.
posted by hoyland at 7:45 PM on November 14, 2022 [7 favorites]
The rule of thumb I use is that you should approach correcting an isolated pronoun error in a similar fashion as you would respond to the information that your fly is down.
A quick acknowledgement/correction is all that's necessary, as discussed above. Anything longer than that just makes it weird for everyone involved, and a detailed explanation ("oh it's just so hard for me!...etc etc") is usually more concerning than helpful, not to mention putting the onus on the person to comfort you.
posted by kserra at 4:02 AM on November 15, 2022
A quick acknowledgement/correction is all that's necessary, as discussed above. Anything longer than that just makes it weird for everyone involved, and a detailed explanation ("oh it's just so hard for me!...etc etc") is usually more concerning than helpful, not to mention putting the onus on the person to comfort you.
posted by kserra at 4:02 AM on November 15, 2022
You've gotten good advice already but I'd just add, I wonder if part of your difficulty here is your assumption "they/she" means a preference for "they" over "she" and so you're trying to remember "they" specifically. While I certainly think all of the uproar over "they" is overblown, I personally find it much easier to remember "she" or "he" - so if you're occasionally misgendering this person, I'd practice using "she" to refer to them - that way you're more likely to land on she/they in the future, instead of he/they. (Unless of course, they actually do prefer "they" - but I wouldn't assume this )
posted by coffeecat at 8:42 AM on November 15, 2022
posted by coffeecat at 8:42 AM on November 15, 2022
I've got a lot of non-binary friends, and I've probably mis-gendered them all at one time or another. The important thing is to correct yourself, not make a big deal of it, and try not to do it again. My friends are pretty understanding about it, and I think they appreciate that I'm making the effort.
posted by Furnace of Doubt at 11:11 AM on November 16, 2022
posted by Furnace of Doubt at 11:11 AM on November 16, 2022
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posted by andoatnp at 5:58 PM on November 14, 2022 [1 favorite]