ADHD and romance
November 5, 2022 7:18 AM
I recently was diagnosed as an adult with ADHD. I have suspected some type of high functioning autism for several years and have been told by medical professionals that I don’t have it. I am dubious and also struggle to get anywhere romantically, and am curious if anyone has experience with both having ADHD and being unable to gain traction romantically.
I have always been told I was smart but typically had mediocre grades at best in my traditional schooling periods (I have returned to school in my mid-30s but have no grades yet, so no idea what my grades are like now) and was often considered to have an unusual social manner, including a tendency towards bluntness, and I also struggle with procrastination in general, especially on anything that isn’t super-easy.
I did not date in high school or in college - I presumed no one was interested, until one time someone made their interest incredibly obvious and I fumbled. I was a senior in college when this happened and I didn’t follow up because I didn’t feel like there was time to follow up. Around this time, multiple people suggested that I may have Aspergers. I then graduated and, between the economy post-2008, my own issues with procrastination, and the death of an immediate family member, I was underemployed for a while. I got things back on track via an easy but boring manufacturing job, and began trying to date again. I didn’t have much of a social circle outside work and had a weird work schedule, so I resorted to dating apps, and over about five years, got maybe about three people to actually agree to a date. None of them went further than one or two dates. It’s plausible that logistics were at play but I also can’t tell if it could be explained by my ADHD influencing how I attempt to date, or whether I should reconsider an autism-spectrum diagnosis.
I have always been told I was smart but typically had mediocre grades at best in my traditional schooling periods (I have returned to school in my mid-30s but have no grades yet, so no idea what my grades are like now) and was often considered to have an unusual social manner, including a tendency towards bluntness, and I also struggle with procrastination in general, especially on anything that isn’t super-easy.
I did not date in high school or in college - I presumed no one was interested, until one time someone made their interest incredibly obvious and I fumbled. I was a senior in college when this happened and I didn’t follow up because I didn’t feel like there was time to follow up. Around this time, multiple people suggested that I may have Aspergers. I then graduated and, between the economy post-2008, my own issues with procrastination, and the death of an immediate family member, I was underemployed for a while. I got things back on track via an easy but boring manufacturing job, and began trying to date again. I didn’t have much of a social circle outside work and had a weird work schedule, so I resorted to dating apps, and over about five years, got maybe about three people to actually agree to a date. None of them went further than one or two dates. It’s plausible that logistics were at play but I also can’t tell if it could be explained by my ADHD influencing how I attempt to date, or whether I should reconsider an autism-spectrum diagnosis.
Seconding a lot of what lookoutbelow said! I have ADHD and since my diagnosis I've constructed a social circle of mostly ADHD people, and it's where I feel most myself.
I also suspect I'm on the autism spectrum, but haven't pursued a formal diagnosis. Regardless, I feel most comfortable around people who are on the spectrum.
I recommend focusing less on the question of what is your diagnosis, and more on the question of what types of people you feel comfortable around (and what types of advice fits for you). There's nothing wrong with following advice intended for people on the autism spectrum even if you aren't "actually" on the spectrum. An official diagnosis is critical for accessing support and accommodations through institutions, but beyond that, it doesn't necessarily have much value.
posted by mekily at 8:37 AM on November 5, 2022
I also suspect I'm on the autism spectrum, but haven't pursued a formal diagnosis. Regardless, I feel most comfortable around people who are on the spectrum.
I recommend focusing less on the question of what is your diagnosis, and more on the question of what types of people you feel comfortable around (and what types of advice fits for you). There's nothing wrong with following advice intended for people on the autism spectrum even if you aren't "actually" on the spectrum. An official diagnosis is critical for accessing support and accommodations through institutions, but beyond that, it doesn't necessarily have much value.
posted by mekily at 8:37 AM on November 5, 2022
I agree with seeking out other people with ADHD. You will find not only people who understand you, but the non-ADHD people who get along just fine with them. My wife, dad, sister, brother, father-in-law, best friend, other best friend, and most of my good friends have ADHD. I do not. This works well for all of us.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:37 AM on November 5, 2022
posted by restless_nomad at 9:37 AM on November 5, 2022
There are different opinions on this site about the value of a formal autism diagnosis in cases like yours, and it's complicated because it's increasingly clear that ADHD and Autism have a lot of overlap in the kind of symptoms that would affect relationships. That's why the term "neurodivergent" has become popular, as it allows discussing the symptoms and behaviors without getting caught up on arbitrary diagnosis rules. If you are officially diagnosed with ADHD and are generally "high functioning", there isn't much practical benefit to getting an autism diagnosis as it doesn't generally make it easier to get treatment. The important thing is that you're a person with autism-like symptoms who has had issues with romance, and what should you do about it?
I just read a book that you might be interested in, Unmasking Autism by Devon Price. I don't agree with all of the conclusions (the author is way too negative towards some autism compensation behaviors that I think are overall positive), but it goes into detail about the different ways autism/ADHD can affect social relationships.
The chapter on "Cultivating Autistic Relationships" has some concrete advice, and the core idea is to try and understand what you actually value in a relationship and what is an irrelevant expectation. From your post it's not clear what you actually want out of a romantic relationship. If you're somewhere on the spectrum this is not unusual, and it's been difficult for me to separate my personal values from the default societal expectation that I need to have a "good romantic relationship". The book has some useful exercises that might help you work through some that process on your own.
In general I would definitely echo the other answers and suggest looking for people who are comfortable with neurodivergence. OkCupid has historically been the good dating site for weird people like us, although I haven't used it recently. I've also had more relationship success with other types of "outsiders" like recent immigrants and people in professions (like nursing) that encourage tolerance of different personalities. I've never had much luck trying to date "normal" people because they are often unable to understand that some people think very differently then they do.
posted by JZig at 11:12 AM on November 5, 2022
I just read a book that you might be interested in, Unmasking Autism by Devon Price. I don't agree with all of the conclusions (the author is way too negative towards some autism compensation behaviors that I think are overall positive), but it goes into detail about the different ways autism/ADHD can affect social relationships.
The chapter on "Cultivating Autistic Relationships" has some concrete advice, and the core idea is to try and understand what you actually value in a relationship and what is an irrelevant expectation. From your post it's not clear what you actually want out of a romantic relationship. If you're somewhere on the spectrum this is not unusual, and it's been difficult for me to separate my personal values from the default societal expectation that I need to have a "good romantic relationship". The book has some useful exercises that might help you work through some that process on your own.
In general I would definitely echo the other answers and suggest looking for people who are comfortable with neurodivergence. OkCupid has historically been the good dating site for weird people like us, although I haven't used it recently. I've also had more relationship success with other types of "outsiders" like recent immigrants and people in professions (like nursing) that encourage tolerance of different personalities. I've never had much luck trying to date "normal" people because they are often unable to understand that some people think very differently then they do.
posted by JZig at 11:12 AM on November 5, 2022
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As an ADHD person, I find myself most socially at ease among other ADHD people. My partner has ADHD, and I think our shared experience facilitates better communication and understanding of things that might become sticking points in a relationship with a neurotypical person.
My partner is also on the spectrum. Especially initially, we would have miscommunications that I think were related to different communication styles. Success in our relationship is founded on very open communication, discussing and breaking down these things when they happen, and learning from them.
You might find it easiest to connect romantically with other neurodivergent people. I found these people often self-identified on OKCupid. You might also learn from them.
posted by lookoutbelow at 8:26 AM on November 5, 2022