I'm being abused, what next?
October 30, 2022 1:37 PM
I recently figured out (with my therapist's help) that the older family member (OFM) I share a house with has been/is verbally and psychologically abusing me. A lot of the resources I see seem to focus on healing from abuse, but I need resources on coming to terms with the situation.
I am working with my therapist, of course, but I need more help. This revelation has caused a massive shift in my world view. It feels awful. I'm one of those people who needs all the information I can get to deal with problems, and I don't know if I'm even using the right search terms.
If it matters, we are both women. OFM is 66, I'm 49.
I have ADHD, depression, anxiety, and CPTSD. I am somewhat financially dependent.
Verbal, psychological, emotional abuse, no physical abuse.
I am physically safe, but I am reeling, mentally and emotionally. Right now, I need some help coping; I'm sure I'll have more questions later, so please keep answers focused on my current issue.
I am working with my therapist, of course, but I need more help. This revelation has caused a massive shift in my world view. It feels awful. I'm one of those people who needs all the information I can get to deal with problems, and I don't know if I'm even using the right search terms.
If it matters, we are both women. OFM is 66, I'm 49.
I have ADHD, depression, anxiety, and CPTSD. I am somewhat financially dependent.
Verbal, psychological, emotional abuse, no physical abuse.
I am physically safe, but I am reeling, mentally and emotionally. Right now, I need some help coping; I'm sure I'll have more questions later, so please keep answers focused on my current issue.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. It's true there's not a lot of resources for staying and enduring abuse because getting out is the only way to recover. Probably the best pool of material - even if OFM's root cause or mechanisms are not specifically those of narcissism - is from people who have to deal with an intense toxic relationship without at least an immediate avenue of cutting them off. r/RaisedByNarcissists is probably the largest community of people both actively enduring or recovering from a close family relationship with a narc, and they have some resources in the sidebar. r/raisedbyborderlines is a similar community.
I can't think of any books to recommend that aren't going to address recovery in some way, but Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is written in acknowledgement that the parent(s) in question may still be unavoidably in your life in some way. A follow-up book is Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries and Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy, and it sounds like practical tools are part of what you're looking for. It does not matter if this is not a parent; you live with them, you are somewhat financially dependent on them, they are older than you, and they have presumably been in your life for a long time. That's close enough even if they didn't "raise" you or abuse you as a child, for the information to be applicable in many cases.
HOWEVER, establishing boundaries in particular can be incredibly dangerous when you are trapped with your abuser, and can often be when non-physical abuse turns physical. Be careful. Put that aspect of the information in your pocket but strategize before you deploy, and work with your therapist.
There is also The Verbally Abusive Relationship, which I haven't read but from the synopsis and reviews looks like it isn't just focused on romantic relationships but other family and friend relationships and work situations, so should come at the situation from more relatable angles than just an abusive partner. As I was looking at that book, I saw a recommendation for Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You - you don't say what the nature of this abuse is, but control is often the end goal.
But on the off chance you haven't gotten this far in thinking through this: is OFM literally unwell? Cognitive dysfunction can make people fucking evil, without much in the way of coherent end goals. Brain damage can cause a sort of emotional collapse so that anger - rage - dominates their emotional range, and paranoia and the belief they are being persecuted by you is an entirely different playing field than someone who has all their faculties. And it's the sort of thing that can go on at home for years before they would ever catch the attention of a neurologist as being "altered" rather than just "asshole". Dementia is not just benign bad memory, it is often much much uglier than that. And if you think that's what's going on, you might get value from caretaker communities where you're looking for something more like tips and tricks for making that situation less unpleasant for you, as well as validation that this sucks and isn't your fault, and coping skills that follow more on a line of "this person can't be stopped but they're also not fully capable of understanding what they're doing".
posted by Lyn Never at 2:34 PM on October 30, 2022
I can't think of any books to recommend that aren't going to address recovery in some way, but Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is written in acknowledgement that the parent(s) in question may still be unavoidably in your life in some way. A follow-up book is Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries and Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy, and it sounds like practical tools are part of what you're looking for. It does not matter if this is not a parent; you live with them, you are somewhat financially dependent on them, they are older than you, and they have presumably been in your life for a long time. That's close enough even if they didn't "raise" you or abuse you as a child, for the information to be applicable in many cases.
HOWEVER, establishing boundaries in particular can be incredibly dangerous when you are trapped with your abuser, and can often be when non-physical abuse turns physical. Be careful. Put that aspect of the information in your pocket but strategize before you deploy, and work with your therapist.
There is also The Verbally Abusive Relationship, which I haven't read but from the synopsis and reviews looks like it isn't just focused on romantic relationships but other family and friend relationships and work situations, so should come at the situation from more relatable angles than just an abusive partner. As I was looking at that book, I saw a recommendation for Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You - you don't say what the nature of this abuse is, but control is often the end goal.
But on the off chance you haven't gotten this far in thinking through this: is OFM literally unwell? Cognitive dysfunction can make people fucking evil, without much in the way of coherent end goals. Brain damage can cause a sort of emotional collapse so that anger - rage - dominates their emotional range, and paranoia and the belief they are being persecuted by you is an entirely different playing field than someone who has all their faculties. And it's the sort of thing that can go on at home for years before they would ever catch the attention of a neurologist as being "altered" rather than just "asshole". Dementia is not just benign bad memory, it is often much much uglier than that. And if you think that's what's going on, you might get value from caretaker communities where you're looking for something more like tips and tricks for making that situation less unpleasant for you, as well as validation that this sucks and isn't your fault, and coping skills that follow more on a line of "this person can't be stopped but they're also not fully capable of understanding what they're doing".
posted by Lyn Never at 2:34 PM on October 30, 2022
support and community groups for folks with the disabilities you list might be useful, as many disabled folks wind up stuck with abusive people for financial reasons and may have relevant experience to share
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 4:10 PM on October 30, 2022
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 4:10 PM on October 30, 2022
This is a great question and one that I don't think people talk about enough. It's that early mind-bending period of time where you're going, "Oh, so THAT'S why I feel so rotten when interacting with this person...they're abusing me." You've described really well how it's hard to wrap your mind around it.
What helped me, when I found myself in that same position, was to get a notebook and a pen. And then write down a short description of each 'event' when it happens. Later, once your emotions have settled, come back to the event and write an analysis of it. Try and identify if the event was abusive, vs. just something you disliked. And if it was abusive, try and identify what category it falls into.
The reason for doing this is that it gets you thinking critically about your day-to-day interactions with this person. Not every interaction will be negative, of course, and not every negative interaction will be abusive. So this gives you the practice in telling the difference, albeit after the fact, and may help you to see patterns in this person's abuse.
Eventually you'll get better at recognizing what's happening, and you'll be able to identify abuse in 'real time'. By that point you'll be able to trust yourself to call it what it is. And you'll be in a position to respond to it in a way that's in your best interest.
posted by (F)utility at 7:48 PM on October 30, 2022
What helped me, when I found myself in that same position, was to get a notebook and a pen. And then write down a short description of each 'event' when it happens. Later, once your emotions have settled, come back to the event and write an analysis of it. Try and identify if the event was abusive, vs. just something you disliked. And if it was abusive, try and identify what category it falls into.
The reason for doing this is that it gets you thinking critically about your day-to-day interactions with this person. Not every interaction will be negative, of course, and not every negative interaction will be abusive. So this gives you the practice in telling the difference, albeit after the fact, and may help you to see patterns in this person's abuse.
Eventually you'll get better at recognizing what's happening, and you'll be able to identify abuse in 'real time'. By that point you'll be able to trust yourself to call it what it is. And you'll be in a position to respond to it in a way that's in your best interest.
posted by (F)utility at 7:48 PM on October 30, 2022
Hi OP. I want to start by recognizing the courage it took you to name the abuse.
The next thing I'm going to do is suggest that you reach out to The Hotline, or its equivalent in your country. I recommend this for a couple reasons:
1. Domestic Violence organizations are often associated with people experiencing dating or relationship abuse. However, Domestic Abuse services also apply to people who experience abuse from family members they live with.
2. DV orgs provide services to clients impacted by all kinds of abuse, not just physical abuse. The Power and Control Wheel, a common education tool used by DV and other partner orgs, illustrates a few examples of different types of abuse.
3(a). National hotlines will reroute to local DV hotlines in your city/region based on availability. Advocates staffing those lines can connect you to local resources in your community , including but not limited to therapeutic, legal, and housing services. I thought this point was worth mentioning since you wrote in your post you have some level of financial dependence on your abuser. Some DV orgs also offer support groups, which might fit what you are looking for.
3(b). Advocates can assist callers with safety planning, and provide additional support. You mentioned in your post you already have a therapist, so you may be more comfortable talking to them which makes perfect sense. However, if it was late at night and you needed someone to talk to, this might be a back-up support option.
Sending light your way (and to anyone reading who came to this thread looking for answers to the same type of question).
posted by panther of the pyrenees at 3:54 PM on November 1, 2022
The next thing I'm going to do is suggest that you reach out to The Hotline, or its equivalent in your country. I recommend this for a couple reasons:
1. Domestic Violence organizations are often associated with people experiencing dating or relationship abuse. However, Domestic Abuse services also apply to people who experience abuse from family members they live with.
2. DV orgs provide services to clients impacted by all kinds of abuse, not just physical abuse. The Power and Control Wheel, a common education tool used by DV and other partner orgs, illustrates a few examples of different types of abuse.
3(a). National hotlines will reroute to local DV hotlines in your city/region based on availability. Advocates staffing those lines can connect you to local resources in your community , including but not limited to therapeutic, legal, and housing services. I thought this point was worth mentioning since you wrote in your post you have some level of financial dependence on your abuser. Some DV orgs also offer support groups, which might fit what you are looking for.
3(b). Advocates can assist callers with safety planning, and provide additional support. You mentioned in your post you already have a therapist, so you may be more comfortable talking to them which makes perfect sense. However, if it was late at night and you needed someone to talk to, this might be a back-up support option.
Sending light your way (and to anyone reading who came to this thread looking for answers to the same type of question).
posted by panther of the pyrenees at 3:54 PM on November 1, 2022
Domestic violence advocate here (although I am not your domestic violence advocate). The agency I work for, and a lot of others, have counselors on staff to help with this.
1. It doesn’t have to be physical to be DV.
2. You don’t have to be ready to leave to get help from a DV agency.
3. It doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship to be DV.
All services from my agency and most others are free for victims.
In the USA, you can go to DomesticShelters.org and plug in your zip code to find agencies near you. In other places, you can find them at HotPeachPages.net.
Additionally, DomesticShelters.org has a peer support group on Facebook.
posted by MexicanYenta at 4:57 AM on November 3, 2022
1. It doesn’t have to be physical to be DV.
2. You don’t have to be ready to leave to get help from a DV agency.
3. It doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship to be DV.
All services from my agency and most others are free for victims.
In the USA, you can go to DomesticShelters.org and plug in your zip code to find agencies near you. In other places, you can find them at HotPeachPages.net.
Additionally, DomesticShelters.org has a peer support group on Facebook.
posted by MexicanYenta at 4:57 AM on November 3, 2022
This thread is closed to new comments.
For me, when I was getting a better understanding of the nature of my past relationships, I read. I don't know anything about your situation, but here's a whole list (search for Renata711/"Books about" in this link) of resources . Maybe one of these books/articles will feel relevant/helpful - some discuss abusive dynamics in a family (e.g. In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People - George K. Simon Ph.D.)
For me, writing was also helpful. I wrote down things that were happening and things that happened.
For other coping strategies, do what you can to take care of yourself. You can look up Distress Tolerance skills that are part of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy).
It's an interesting headspace, because you're questioning so much. But seeing it and acknowledging it is a huge step. And, with the help of your therapist, you can start to untangle yourself. I wish you strength and healing.
posted by skunk pig at 2:31 PM on October 30, 2022