annus horribilis
August 24, 2022 12:28 PM Subscribe
How am I supposed to make sense of this terrible year? Have any of you ever had a series of bad things happen one after the other? How did you keep going?
Note to mods: please delete if chatfilter-y.
I'm super grateful to AskMe for giving me so much useful advice in response to my previous questions about my situation.
This one's a bit broader.
I/my family has had a terrible year and it's not even halfway through yet.
A dear friend of mine died young. My family home was burgled. We have been experiencing financial difficulties. My family is going through multiple health issues, one after the other after the other after the other. I'm currently caring for my family through all these medical issues, and it feels like battling a Hydra: you solve one problem, five new ones pop up out of nowhere. Personality issues etc make it extremely difficult to be with my family and part of the time I'm just running interference between family members, trying to manage difficult personalities. A small thing but worth adding is that a person I really cared about turned out to not be into me romantically (after months of me thinking maybe they were) but also ended up not even being a friend.
I should be really clear I'm not asking for practical advice with any of these issues. The circumstances are very specific. I'm looking for a way to make sense of this year. Things are so bad that it feels too far-fetched to believe. It just feels like, how much worse are things going to get before they bottom out? It doesn't feel like life, you know?
My mental health... isn't great. I'm very depressed. I have not been great at taking care of myself, other than sleeping and making sure I eat three times a day even though I am not hungry. My previous therapist hasn't really worked out so I'm seeing a new one this week.
My faith in things working out is at an all-time low. Either the thing I was dreading happens and it's as bad or worse than I feared (e.g. my family's health issues), or something happens completely unexpectedly and it's far worse than anything I could have imagined (e.g. the financial difficulties). I feel so alone, and all of my friends are getting on with their lives, buying houses and having babies. I know that logically I am not responsible for any of the bad things that happened to my family, but I feel like if I'd been there, maybe I'd have been able to help.
It would help if I could hear from people who've been through bad times and come through them. There has to be an other side to this, right? What did you do to make it through? Can you offer any helpful perspectives?
Note to mods: please delete if chatfilter-y.
I'm super grateful to AskMe for giving me so much useful advice in response to my previous questions about my situation.
This one's a bit broader.
I/my family has had a terrible year and it's not even halfway through yet.
A dear friend of mine died young. My family home was burgled. We have been experiencing financial difficulties. My family is going through multiple health issues, one after the other after the other after the other. I'm currently caring for my family through all these medical issues, and it feels like battling a Hydra: you solve one problem, five new ones pop up out of nowhere. Personality issues etc make it extremely difficult to be with my family and part of the time I'm just running interference between family members, trying to manage difficult personalities. A small thing but worth adding is that a person I really cared about turned out to not be into me romantically (after months of me thinking maybe they were) but also ended up not even being a friend.
I should be really clear I'm not asking for practical advice with any of these issues. The circumstances are very specific. I'm looking for a way to make sense of this year. Things are so bad that it feels too far-fetched to believe. It just feels like, how much worse are things going to get before they bottom out? It doesn't feel like life, you know?
My mental health... isn't great. I'm very depressed. I have not been great at taking care of myself, other than sleeping and making sure I eat three times a day even though I am not hungry. My previous therapist hasn't really worked out so I'm seeing a new one this week.
My faith in things working out is at an all-time low. Either the thing I was dreading happens and it's as bad or worse than I feared (e.g. my family's health issues), or something happens completely unexpectedly and it's far worse than anything I could have imagined (e.g. the financial difficulties). I feel so alone, and all of my friends are getting on with their lives, buying houses and having babies. I know that logically I am not responsible for any of the bad things that happened to my family, but I feel like if I'd been there, maybe I'd have been able to help.
It would help if I could hear from people who've been through bad times and come through them. There has to be an other side to this, right? What did you do to make it through? Can you offer any helpful perspectives?
This is a time to develop a meditation practice.
Which is to say, learning to move your attention from the immediate horrible things that you cannot change, and embracing the inherent uncertainty of life, where the only constant is change.
posted by u2604ab at 1:00 PM on August 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
Which is to say, learning to move your attention from the immediate horrible things that you cannot change, and embracing the inherent uncertainty of life, where the only constant is change.
posted by u2604ab at 1:00 PM on August 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
The more I think back on those years (and I do mean years - I had a whole damn DECADE in my case, I think I broke a mirror sometime in 2009), the more I think that what helped me is developing an attitude of...stubbornness and defiance.
That's the best way I can explain this attitude - like, imagine that there really are evil spirits out in the world, and that they've for some reason decided that they want to target you and see you falter. But - you're not going to let them beat you. As a matter of fact, you're going to prove to them that they haven't beaten you - you're going to keep on figuring out ways to have a good life and get good things and adapt and find ways to treat yourself anyway, and as you're doing it imagine that you're looking those evil spirits in the eye and saying "see? You didn't stop me."
And this is an attitude that you can apply to anything. There was one day when I was down to like $60 in my checking account and it was a day and a half before payday - I had already double- and triple-checked my budget and the food at home so I knew I wasn't going to starve, and money WAS coming in so I knew I'd be okay, but that low balance had me spooked. But to snap myself out of that, I took some of that money - I think about twenty dollars - and blew all of it on flowers from the corner store, and I spread them around my apartment. That was my way of sort of poking the Bad Luck in the eye - "okay, you think you're going to wear me down by scaring me about money? Look, I'm BLOWING money on something frivolous JUST FOR THE SHEER JOY OF IT. You can't stop me from finding a way to find joy no matter what."
And that's also something I've done every time I've found myself between jobs - when I get the initial "I've lost my job" news, I freak out and melt down for a day - but then the very next day that attitude snaps back and I'm all "okay, so you think you can beat me by taking away my job, huh? I'll show YOU," and then I apply to 16 things on LinkedIn and sign up with seven temp agencies.
I wish I knew how to tell you how to develop that attitude. Maybe imagining that it's a cartoon bad guy who is throwing a lever that makes all these bad things happen to you - so you can imagine yourself looking them in the face and saying "what the fuck do you think YOU'RE doing? I'll show you..."and then you do something either to spite them, or to beat them.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:14 PM on August 24, 2022 [19 favorites]
That's the best way I can explain this attitude - like, imagine that there really are evil spirits out in the world, and that they've for some reason decided that they want to target you and see you falter. But - you're not going to let them beat you. As a matter of fact, you're going to prove to them that they haven't beaten you - you're going to keep on figuring out ways to have a good life and get good things and adapt and find ways to treat yourself anyway, and as you're doing it imagine that you're looking those evil spirits in the eye and saying "see? You didn't stop me."
And this is an attitude that you can apply to anything. There was one day when I was down to like $60 in my checking account and it was a day and a half before payday - I had already double- and triple-checked my budget and the food at home so I knew I wasn't going to starve, and money WAS coming in so I knew I'd be okay, but that low balance had me spooked. But to snap myself out of that, I took some of that money - I think about twenty dollars - and blew all of it on flowers from the corner store, and I spread them around my apartment. That was my way of sort of poking the Bad Luck in the eye - "okay, you think you're going to wear me down by scaring me about money? Look, I'm BLOWING money on something frivolous JUST FOR THE SHEER JOY OF IT. You can't stop me from finding a way to find joy no matter what."
And that's also something I've done every time I've found myself between jobs - when I get the initial "I've lost my job" news, I freak out and melt down for a day - but then the very next day that attitude snaps back and I'm all "okay, so you think you can beat me by taking away my job, huh? I'll show YOU," and then I apply to 16 things on LinkedIn and sign up with seven temp agencies.
I wish I knew how to tell you how to develop that attitude. Maybe imagining that it's a cartoon bad guy who is throwing a lever that makes all these bad things happen to you - so you can imagine yourself looking them in the face and saying "what the fuck do you think YOU'RE doing? I'll show you..."and then you do something either to spite them, or to beat them.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:14 PM on August 24, 2022 [19 favorites]
Best answer: The only certainty to life is change. To that I would add: this too must end. Those are the two truisms I clung to like glue during the bad times and what do you know, they turned out to be accurate. I had a series of really really terrible years, with the most notably awful being 2008 and 2015 (but the years in between were no picnic either) and I survived them, somehow. I look back at that and I have no idea how I did it but I did.
There is nothing wrong with making it through day to day. Today you survived and awesome! Go you! Tomorrow, the same thing. Eventually, somehow, someway, things will change and the immediate pressures will let up. Sure, they might be replaced by different pressures, but things will definitely and absolutely change. And, do things work out? Yes, they do. They might not work out in any way that anyone would recognize as "worked out" but given time and shifting perspectives, you can look back and say, wow, that was awful, but it's pretty much over and this is how it is now. All you have to do is hold on and lo, things will have kind of worked out. They might still be awful but in a different way! But that is okay. You survived the initial awful and you will survive the new awful and then things will, somehow, settle. It's weird and it seems impossible, but they do.
In a way, as I write this, I'm realizing how much of surviving the bad years is accepting giving up control. You had no control over what happened to your family. I didn't have any over what happened to mine, either. It was really hard for me to let go of that illusion of control and realize that, in the long run, all we control is ourselves and sometimes, not even that. It was doubly hard to accept that the past cannot be changed and often the present can't either. Lean into relinquishing that control and let yourself float. It's okay to float through these times. You do not always have to be a pillar of stability and moral strength. You can just go to bed for a couple days. The world really will not end. In retrospect, I should have done that more often. I felt guilty the times I did but you know what? The world didn't end. During times of great trouble, it helps to lower your expectations. Are you breathing? Excellent, you won the day.
As a result of my bad bad years, I have changed. I am not the same person I was then and blessedly I am not in any of the same situations. I feel like I came through the crucible and I am a stronger person for it. I didn't expect that to happen, but it did and I am offering that to you as a hope to hold onto.
posted by mygothlaundry at 1:25 PM on August 24, 2022 [12 favorites]
There is nothing wrong with making it through day to day. Today you survived and awesome! Go you! Tomorrow, the same thing. Eventually, somehow, someway, things will change and the immediate pressures will let up. Sure, they might be replaced by different pressures, but things will definitely and absolutely change. And, do things work out? Yes, they do. They might not work out in any way that anyone would recognize as "worked out" but given time and shifting perspectives, you can look back and say, wow, that was awful, but it's pretty much over and this is how it is now. All you have to do is hold on and lo, things will have kind of worked out. They might still be awful but in a different way! But that is okay. You survived the initial awful and you will survive the new awful and then things will, somehow, settle. It's weird and it seems impossible, but they do.
In a way, as I write this, I'm realizing how much of surviving the bad years is accepting giving up control. You had no control over what happened to your family. I didn't have any over what happened to mine, either. It was really hard for me to let go of that illusion of control and realize that, in the long run, all we control is ourselves and sometimes, not even that. It was doubly hard to accept that the past cannot be changed and often the present can't either. Lean into relinquishing that control and let yourself float. It's okay to float through these times. You do not always have to be a pillar of stability and moral strength. You can just go to bed for a couple days. The world really will not end. In retrospect, I should have done that more often. I felt guilty the times I did but you know what? The world didn't end. During times of great trouble, it helps to lower your expectations. Are you breathing? Excellent, you won the day.
As a result of my bad bad years, I have changed. I am not the same person I was then and blessedly I am not in any of the same situations. I feel like I came through the crucible and I am a stronger person for it. I didn't expect that to happen, but it did and I am offering that to you as a hope to hold onto.
posted by mygothlaundry at 1:25 PM on August 24, 2022 [12 favorites]
Alternate idea: if you’re at all inclined, get a astrological reading or see a Chinese doctor, it helped me to see what broad phases of life were passing through - on the order of months to years time frame. In my case they were crazy correct even the Chinese Dr who said this phase will last two more years and I complained bitterly at the time but he wasn’t wrong and then it let up. I’m a deadline person so having some end date helped even if it was a long time away.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:55 PM on August 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:55 PM on August 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
Some friends and I had a New Year's Eve party in the late summer after a bunch of us had had really shitty years and wanted a fresh start. It helped, in a "laugh to keep from crying" way.
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:29 PM on August 24, 2022
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:29 PM on August 24, 2022
Have any of you ever had a series of bad things happen one after the other? How did you keep going?
It may sound trite or silly, but I move forward because there's know where to go but forward. Occasionally I'll stop and "rest," but in the end it's always forward, one step at a time, because to stop would mean something else or someone else (god, the devil, some asshole) wins and I won't give them the satisfaction.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:56 PM on August 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
It may sound trite or silly, but I move forward because there's know where to go but forward. Occasionally I'll stop and "rest," but in the end it's always forward, one step at a time, because to stop would mean something else or someone else (god, the devil, some asshole) wins and I won't give them the satisfaction.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:56 PM on August 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
Read "Nothing To Fall Back On: The Life and Times of a Perpetual Optimist" by Betsy Carter, a woman who had several bad years in a row. I used to keep a list of all the shit she went through on my phone to remind me that things weren't that bad for me yet.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:58 PM on August 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:58 PM on August 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
First of all, it sounds like you're doing great. I mean it. You're taking a base level of care of yourself and you recognize that you're having a really hard time. So many folks aren't at that point and flail around hurting themselves and others. Please let yourself feel a little (or a lot!) proud of that.
I imagine you're feeling powerless to some degree and like you can't feel a lot of joy or hope because the hits keep coming. While in grief counseling, someone pointed out that sometimes we can control the amount of pain we feel and sometimes we can control the amount of happiness. If you're feeling like you can't stop the bad events and feelings, maybe you can try dialing up the good experiences. What seems possible? Rewatching or rereading something that makes you feel good? Treating yourself to something luxurious? Letting an unpleasant obligation go and see if it makes you feel a bit freer.
Sometimes crummy stuff just pelts you with a thousand mundane pebbles, can you eek out some joy in tiny digestible bits? Can you get a little extra enjoyment out of an object of beauty or comfort? Can you dwell in it just a little bit longer? Maybe it could help you tip the scales just a smidge in the right direction?
posted by annaramma at 3:01 PM on August 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
I imagine you're feeling powerless to some degree and like you can't feel a lot of joy or hope because the hits keep coming. While in grief counseling, someone pointed out that sometimes we can control the amount of pain we feel and sometimes we can control the amount of happiness. If you're feeling like you can't stop the bad events and feelings, maybe you can try dialing up the good experiences. What seems possible? Rewatching or rereading something that makes you feel good? Treating yourself to something luxurious? Letting an unpleasant obligation go and see if it makes you feel a bit freer.
Sometimes crummy stuff just pelts you with a thousand mundane pebbles, can you eek out some joy in tiny digestible bits? Can you get a little extra enjoyment out of an object of beauty or comfort? Can you dwell in it just a little bit longer? Maybe it could help you tip the scales just a smidge in the right direction?
posted by annaramma at 3:01 PM on August 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
Yes, I can think of two particularly Bad Years where one horrible thing piled on another unbearably. In both cases, the main cornerstones of getting me through it were antidepressants, therapy, and giving myself permission to half-ass or just plain not do as much as humanly possible.
The second time, I developed full fledged PTSD and part of treating that was adding a meditation practice and a prescription for occasional benzos as needed to the toolbox. Meditation had done fuck-all for me that first bad year, so I’m not a “try meditation for everything!” person, but for whatever it’s worth, it really did help a ton with the second bad year.
I hope you find whatever combination of coping tools is helpful for you and that things get better soon.
posted by Stacey at 3:09 PM on August 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
The second time, I developed full fledged PTSD and part of treating that was adding a meditation practice and a prescription for occasional benzos as needed to the toolbox. Meditation had done fuck-all for me that first bad year, so I’m not a “try meditation for everything!” person, but for whatever it’s worth, it really did help a ton with the second bad year.
I hope you find whatever combination of coping tools is helpful for you and that things get better soon.
posted by Stacey at 3:09 PM on August 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
Dr Edith Eva Eger is a clinical psychologist specializing in PTSD, and a Holocaust survivor. Pick a media and dip in - there's lots on youtube for free to start with.
A lot of experts who talk about trauma treat it like a thing that is already well in the past, but Eger talks a lot about the during as well, she's oriented to some degree about getting through it as much as getting past it afterwards.
It helps, I guess, to get that perspective from someone that literally cannot be out-trauma'd. She doesn't ever say that, though she acknowledges that she has an extremely singular experience that is literally the bar for "unthinkable" now. (Or...was, anyway.) Your shit is very bad, but you can at least tell us it's happening and we can talk back to you in ways that hopefully help some. She can tell you things about being in very bad shit, and you don't have to buy it all but you at least can put aside doubt that she knows her subject.
She's big on finding the good in things, and about not letting your spirit be broken, but she is also big on feeling the feelings in order to process the trauma. Sometimes you're going to have to lock it down to get through what you have to get through, but you can and should let those feelings exist and be processed and also maybe padded in gratitude wherever you can find some and stubbornness when you can't. She's about not getting stuck in the trauma, as well, which is a useful thing to be mindful of while you're in the middle of it. You can't stop what trauma does to you, but you can offer it some resistance and pushback, and you can look for ways to boost your momentum. You don't have to just surrender.
I'm sorry your plate is so full right now. It's a lot, and if you can find little ways to shore up your support system it will help carry you to whatever comes after this.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:46 PM on August 24, 2022 [4 favorites]
A lot of experts who talk about trauma treat it like a thing that is already well in the past, but Eger talks a lot about the during as well, she's oriented to some degree about getting through it as much as getting past it afterwards.
It helps, I guess, to get that perspective from someone that literally cannot be out-trauma'd. She doesn't ever say that, though she acknowledges that she has an extremely singular experience that is literally the bar for "unthinkable" now. (Or...was, anyway.) Your shit is very bad, but you can at least tell us it's happening and we can talk back to you in ways that hopefully help some. She can tell you things about being in very bad shit, and you don't have to buy it all but you at least can put aside doubt that she knows her subject.
She's big on finding the good in things, and about not letting your spirit be broken, but she is also big on feeling the feelings in order to process the trauma. Sometimes you're going to have to lock it down to get through what you have to get through, but you can and should let those feelings exist and be processed and also maybe padded in gratitude wherever you can find some and stubbornness when you can't. She's about not getting stuck in the trauma, as well, which is a useful thing to be mindful of while you're in the middle of it. You can't stop what trauma does to you, but you can offer it some resistance and pushback, and you can look for ways to boost your momentum. You don't have to just surrender.
I'm sorry your plate is so full right now. It's a lot, and if you can find little ways to shore up your support system it will help carry you to whatever comes after this.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:46 PM on August 24, 2022 [4 favorites]
God, I know exactly how you feel. Like, there have been times when I didn't want to talk to anyone because I literally had nothing but bad news, and times when things were so absurdly, improbably bad that I didn't want to tell anyone about it because I honestly worried they'd think I was making shit up for attention.
I'm going to link to a comment I made years ago, about bearing the unbearable. I hope it helps.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:34 PM on August 24, 2022 [8 favorites]
I'm going to link to a comment I made years ago, about bearing the unbearable. I hope it helps.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:34 PM on August 24, 2022 [8 favorites]
My mental health... isn't great. I'm very depressed. I have not been great at taking care of myself
Nothing makes sense when you're depressed.
My key to carrying on, once I learned it, has been to make this priority number one. Right now you're timeslicing between bad situations and it can feel almost sinful to make a slot for maintaining yourself. That's an easy mistake to make, but I can guarantee you that neglecting/abusing yourself is making everything else at least 100% harder.
I would suggest to you that the key to carrying on right now is to recognize that your perceptions are skewed and to put all judgment in abeyance until that is resolved.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:43 PM on August 24, 2022
Nothing makes sense when you're depressed.
My key to carrying on, once I learned it, has been to make this priority number one. Right now you're timeslicing between bad situations and it can feel almost sinful to make a slot for maintaining yourself. That's an easy mistake to make, but I can guarantee you that neglecting/abusing yourself is making everything else at least 100% harder.
I would suggest to you that the key to carrying on right now is to recognize that your perceptions are skewed and to put all judgment in abeyance until that is resolved.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:43 PM on August 24, 2022
If I told you the story of my life, you would have a hard time believing it. The list of statistically improbable catastrophes would take an hour to recite. I used to be flabbergasted by the things that happened to me, but now so many bad things have happened that I have a rock-solid confidence in my ability to come out the other side of anything. Ursula Hitler's comment about bearing the unbearable is exactly the way I feel. I think the misery comes from the fear that you can't bear it. But once you know--really know--that you can, you've unlocked the secret to getting through anything.
posted by HotToddy at 5:49 PM on August 24, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by HotToddy at 5:49 PM on August 24, 2022 [5 favorites]
I had a period like this a few years ago. It lasted a little over three years.
It was basically a pileup of various stressful situations in my personal and work life, but it was genuinely traumatizing -- to the point that I developed various physical symptoms that I only gradually came to realize were stress-related.
I also only gradually realized that my self-esteem had cratered, and I had internalized all kinds of awful narratives about myself, based on other people's negative assessments of me during that time.
Eventually the random succession of awful stuff just... stopped happening. In fact, some good things happened! And I was able to gradually dig my way out of the mental and emotional hole I'd gotten into. I'm still a different person than I was before all the awfulness... but I feel like I've substantially recovered, and importantly, I have many tools and strategies for coping with all kinds of bad feelings and situations that I didn't have before.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 7:08 PM on August 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
It was basically a pileup of various stressful situations in my personal and work life, but it was genuinely traumatizing -- to the point that I developed various physical symptoms that I only gradually came to realize were stress-related.
I also only gradually realized that my self-esteem had cratered, and I had internalized all kinds of awful narratives about myself, based on other people's negative assessments of me during that time.
Eventually the random succession of awful stuff just... stopped happening. In fact, some good things happened! And I was able to gradually dig my way out of the mental and emotional hole I'd gotten into. I'm still a different person than I was before all the awfulness... but I feel like I've substantially recovered, and importantly, I have many tools and strategies for coping with all kinds of bad feelings and situations that I didn't have before.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 7:08 PM on August 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
The Stoics have a lot to say about this.
posted by storybored at 9:23 PM on August 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by storybored at 9:23 PM on August 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
I had a year so bad that I lost nearly half my family at once, my job, my extraordinary animal companion, and found out I would need multiple surgeries a year for the foreseeable future.
It felt like you describe. Just… beyond comprehension.
I started deliberately doing things within my comprehension. Right now in this moment I will pet this cat. I understand what it is to pet a cat and that has not changed. This is an experience that is the same in the past and the present and will be the same in the future, even if the cat changes.
I really had to deliberately find things that I still understood and make time to do them. And ONLY them. Even if it’s only five minutes or the thing is unpleasant. My brain just needed something that was comprehensible.
Mostly I just fucking cried all the damn time, though. Like. Without cease. I gave myself salt burns around my eyes. Because the horror had to come out and the way it could get out of my body was as water. Let that water go, I was drowning in it. I cried in the grocery store. I cried doing dishes. I cried at work. I cried in the shower. I hated it but it also … it was true. And I couldn’t be one thing on the inside and another on the outside without breaking.
posted by Bottlecap at 10:47 PM on August 24, 2022 [6 favorites]
It felt like you describe. Just… beyond comprehension.
I started deliberately doing things within my comprehension. Right now in this moment I will pet this cat. I understand what it is to pet a cat and that has not changed. This is an experience that is the same in the past and the present and will be the same in the future, even if the cat changes.
I really had to deliberately find things that I still understood and make time to do them. And ONLY them. Even if it’s only five minutes or the thing is unpleasant. My brain just needed something that was comprehensible.
Mostly I just fucking cried all the damn time, though. Like. Without cease. I gave myself salt burns around my eyes. Because the horror had to come out and the way it could get out of my body was as water. Let that water go, I was drowning in it. I cried in the grocery store. I cried doing dishes. I cried at work. I cried in the shower. I hated it but it also … it was true. And I couldn’t be one thing on the inside and another on the outside without breaking.
posted by Bottlecap at 10:47 PM on August 24, 2022 [6 favorites]
I’ve had probably 3 periods like this and I’m in another one now. The first two were difficult but easier because I had older family members to lean on and get wisdom from. This one is much much harder. It’s been going on since about 2016, I guess technically it’s over but because Covid happened and I was stuck at home I don’t think I was able to process it and it doesn’t feel over.
Anyway, I recommend reading the book “Mennonite in a little black dress” that is SUCH a good book! It gave me a lot of laughs when I was feeling really depressed!
posted by catspajammies at 11:48 PM on August 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
Anyway, I recommend reading the book “Mennonite in a little black dress” that is SUCH a good book! It gave me a lot of laughs when I was feeling really depressed!
posted by catspajammies at 11:48 PM on August 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
Yes, I've had those years. You're not alone. I have often thought about my ancestors and how women before me (and men but for me some things are related to that) have come through the same and worse and persisted through it, and because they did, I have the gift of my life.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:02 AM on August 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by warriorqueen at 5:02 AM on August 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
A coworker lost her wife around the same time that I lost my husband and we had a lot of talks that really helped. I definitely recommend that as a coping strategy, another person whose loss is similar but totally not connected to your loss and is willing just talk about how much it all sucks.
posted by buildmyworld at 7:23 AM on August 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by buildmyworld at 7:23 AM on August 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
On the self-care note, when shit's really hitting our fan I have basically a power-saver mode we drop into in order to prioritize sleep, rest, and physical care. We do have a little bit of money to throw at this, which I direct toward automating at least some of our meals via ready-to-heat or ready-to-assemble shipped services plus ready-to-heat/eat foods from the grocery store. Paper plates come out, too. I'll outsource laundry if necessary.
If you don't sleep, you cannot function, it's the one resource you cannot really borrow from the future to any real extent, and food comes up pretty close behind that. It has to be as far up the priority list as you can possibly shove it. It's the place you should throw additional resources - whether that means more money or more volunteers - if caretaking is interfering with sleep. Stress is going to attempt to interfere anyway, and if you need to talk to a doctor (and I'll be a little drug commercial here and suggest you ask about hydroxyzine for sleep, as it's used off-label for anxious insomnia and I find it doesn't hit as dopey as even my beloved doxylamine succinate so I CAN be woken up if someone needs me and I'll be able to function, but along with some magnesium and CBD does a decent job getting me to sleep and staying asleep until my bladder objects) for assistance, go do it. Tell them you're going through some shit right now - doctors KNOW what stress does to the body, they see it every day.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:40 PM on August 25, 2022
If you don't sleep, you cannot function, it's the one resource you cannot really borrow from the future to any real extent, and food comes up pretty close behind that. It has to be as far up the priority list as you can possibly shove it. It's the place you should throw additional resources - whether that means more money or more volunteers - if caretaking is interfering with sleep. Stress is going to attempt to interfere anyway, and if you need to talk to a doctor (and I'll be a little drug commercial here and suggest you ask about hydroxyzine for sleep, as it's used off-label for anxious insomnia and I find it doesn't hit as dopey as even my beloved doxylamine succinate so I CAN be woken up if someone needs me and I'll be able to function, but along with some magnesium and CBD does a decent job getting me to sleep and staying asleep until my bladder objects) for assistance, go do it. Tell them you're going through some shit right now - doctors KNOW what stress does to the body, they see it every day.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:40 PM on August 25, 2022
Best answer: My Dad went downhill and died and I was the only child who could do anything or be with him. The pandemic made my job meaningless and difficult. I broke my leg in a complex way that ruined my ability to do the fun physical things that had been keeping me sane up until then. We moved city and my frail parents in law became very ill in different ways, one of them horribly reminiscent of what we went through with my own father. I have spent more time in amublances and hospitals on my own account and other people's than anyone should in one lifetime. I hurt and and the feeling of being hurt disgusted and bored me on top of the hurt. I got so sick of my own story when those kind people who genuinely cared enquired, that I hated telling it; the approach of a problem shared is a problem halved stopped working for me.
Stoic philosophy helped to some extent. So did the Jewish tradition that I was not really raised in but am slowly reclaiming. I am not saying you should become a Stoic (or a Jew!), but I do suggest that there may be a spiritual tradition you can find comfort in and that speaks to you.
I cut back the commitments I could cut back. I negotiated fewer hours at work. I could handle the paycut and the recuperation time was so necessary. Even before I got my one day off a week after dad died, I would take a morning a week as unpaid leave so I could go and visit him, and since visits were less than a half day, I would take the rest of the morning to sit in a cafe with a newspaper and a coffee, or on the waterfront, or any idle place. I allowed myself to eat more takeout and cook less (something I am normally very rigid about). I abandoned activities that weren't essential maintenance. Whatever stringencies you maintain, it is ok to slacken off while you get through this.
I acknowledged to myself that things were bad and I had hit a limit that I didn't realise I had. Also difficult given my outlook and values.
So... things have got better, as I knew they would at some level. I grieved Dad, bit by bit, as it hit me. My leg healed, slowly, and rehab mostly worked. The in-laws recovered. Work continued to suck, so I quit. I can read diaries from a year ago and the year before that and see that I am in a better place. I am again contemplating the future. I might even have plans soon.
This too shall pass. Just as things changed for the worse, they will change for the better. We cannot control the timing of the change, but we can expect that time will come and know that we are doing our best while we wait.
That's all I've got. Good luck. I feel for you.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 2:52 AM on August 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
Stoic philosophy helped to some extent. So did the Jewish tradition that I was not really raised in but am slowly reclaiming. I am not saying you should become a Stoic (or a Jew!), but I do suggest that there may be a spiritual tradition you can find comfort in and that speaks to you.
I cut back the commitments I could cut back. I negotiated fewer hours at work. I could handle the paycut and the recuperation time was so necessary. Even before I got my one day off a week after dad died, I would take a morning a week as unpaid leave so I could go and visit him, and since visits were less than a half day, I would take the rest of the morning to sit in a cafe with a newspaper and a coffee, or on the waterfront, or any idle place. I allowed myself to eat more takeout and cook less (something I am normally very rigid about). I abandoned activities that weren't essential maintenance. Whatever stringencies you maintain, it is ok to slacken off while you get through this.
I acknowledged to myself that things were bad and I had hit a limit that I didn't realise I had. Also difficult given my outlook and values.
So... things have got better, as I knew they would at some level. I grieved Dad, bit by bit, as it hit me. My leg healed, slowly, and rehab mostly worked. The in-laws recovered. Work continued to suck, so I quit. I can read diaries from a year ago and the year before that and see that I am in a better place. I am again contemplating the future. I might even have plans soon.
This too shall pass. Just as things changed for the worse, they will change for the better. We cannot control the timing of the change, but we can expect that time will come and know that we are doing our best while we wait.
That's all I've got. Good luck. I feel for you.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 2:52 AM on August 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
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posted by mareli at 12:53 PM on August 24, 2022 [9 favorites]