How to feel at home when it isn't "home"
June 5, 2022 10:13 AM Subscribe
I am struggling with my current living arrangements. I will be changing them when I can, but that won't be for several months, and in the mean time, I need to actually live a somewhat sustainable and fulfilling life. Ideas/advice?
I am a lodger in a house with a live-in landlord, who has a partner who doesn't live here but does often stay overnight. I have a spacious attic room with a bed, desk, table, armchair, storage. I share the kitchen and bathroom with the landlord. The living room is out of bounds to me. I can use the dining room if I want but I tend not to. The rent is cheap.
Things I am struggling with:
1) Food.
-The kitchen is really small. I have a cupboard, 1 shelf in the fridge and 1/2 a drawer in the freezer for my food and things. The landlord and their partner often cook meals over a long time in the evening (I don't understand this- they will cook pasta and leave it sitting in the pan for ages, go off and do something else, leaving everything all over in the kitchen, and then come back to finish making the meal). They don't immediately clear up their things when they're done cooking/eating. The surfaces are mostly covered with their stuff, and the sink gets filled with their dirty dishes which stay there for days. There is never a clear surface or sink. I feel there's no physical or temporal space for me. I haven't so much as chopped an onion since I moved in in March. I eat bagged salad, a LOT of practically instant fresh pasta, pre-prepared foods, snack foods, cereal. There's also no microwave. When I went to visit my family recently and cooked everyone a meal I felt so much joy and realised how important cooking good, proper meals is for my happiness. I feel really sad about the waste that comes from eating pre-prepared foods. Quite often I don't eat a proper evening meal at all because I just don't want to go down to the kitchen, summoning the mental strength to dance around strangers and make awkward small talk in the 4 minutes it takes to boil some instant pasta and bolt back upstairs. In previous house share situations it seemed to work out that we would take it in turns, or pleasantly share the space, but because they are more or less there ALL??? evening and it is such a tiny kitchen, in this case it just feels really stressful.
2) Interpersonal issues.
- The landlord is fine. They made it clear when I moved in that they didn't want their lodger to be their friend, were annoyed at a previous lodger who had been too much in their face. At the time of moving in, this suited me fine as I was leaving a situation where my housemate/live-in landlord got weirdly aggressive with me for not hanging out as much as she wanted me to. I thought "business only" would suit me. But it's actually really lonely living with people who don't know or care about me. The landlord is approachable and kind enough, we exchange pleasantries when we do cross paths. But they don't know who or how I am. I recently house-sat for a fortnight for some friends and realised that living alone is actually far less lonely than living with strangers. To clarify there is no possibility I could become friends/close with the landlord. They have made it clear they don't want this, and I am also not personally drawn to them (different life stages, different interests, different personalities).
- I am very aware of the power imbalance. This is the landlord's home that they have lived in for 30 years. I'm just one in a very long line of transient lodgers. The house is stuffed with their things. I am really nobody. I have no rights. I can't negotiate or simply talk things through with them about the things I find challenging like I could with regular flatmates/friends, because we don't have an equitable relationship. It's very much a like it or lump it situation.
- The landlord and their partner have a very different circadian rhythm from mine. They go to bed around midnight or later and get up after nine. I usually sleep around 10:30/11pm to 7/7.30am and on some days have to leave the house at 6:30 for work. I feel so awkward being in the room above them and moving around and just living early in the morning, when it might disturb them. I also get woken up/kept awake often by them moving around the house, talking, and turning lights on and off late at night when I'm trying to sleep. The door to my room has a glass window- that leads onto stairs: they aren't able to see directly into my room!- but when they are up the landing light shines in through it brightly and makes it really hard to sleep. I've realised I lie there seething with irritation and rage at night, or else anxiously try to block out light and noise with eye masks and white noise. It feels very unhealthy to not have peace and calm within myself at bedtime.
- The landlord, their partner, and I all have various part time/freelance/WFH jobs. That means none of us has a regular schedule. Again, I find it really awkward and excruciating being in the house during the day when they may or not be around and never knowing when to expect them to be there or not. I also worry that they feel the same about me, even though I was clear when applying for the room about my variable schedule and that some days I WFH, as this was another bone of contention with my old housemate/landlord who hated that I was around the house so much.
- They bicker and argue, sometimes late at night. They hang out at home a lot and I feel very much in the way of them as a couple when I do emerge downstairs to cook, use the bathroom, etc.
- The landlord's partner is someone I find unpleasant to be around and I resent that he takes up a lot of space with his things and his personality, when he doesn't pay to live here, while I am paying rent and feel I need to be as shrunken and small and inconspicuous as possible.
- I feel just generally overlooked/overheard so can't do things that make me feel happy like talk to my friends and family openly on the phone and venting to them (in case the landlord hears me complaining about living here...), masturbate and make a bit of noise about it, sing, dance about, talk to myself in silly voices, get up really early to meditate/go for a walk, get up in the night for a snack. You know, enjoy myself and being alive.
*
Basically this is all adding up to me hating being "at home". Sometimes I just sit in my car when I get home from work or at the supermarket to avoid being here. When I am here I spend a lot of time being in a dissociative state scrolling/watching TV/playing games with headphones on so I'm not really present. I avoid the bathroom, I avoid the kitchen. Sometimes I stay hungry or needing the toilet or a shower for longer than is comfortable because I just don't want to be in the rest of the house.
I am prone to depression and you can imagine this isn't helping. It inclines me to not do the small things that make a big difference with my mental health, and lean in to unhealthy habits that make me unhappy (i.e. addictive internet usage). I am doing all my various work tasks and just about keeping up with one hobby (studying a language), and I have some good friends in this town who I hang out with a couple of times a week. But huuuge parts of me are just.. dormant. I am really a homebody, I love to just hang out listening to music, reading, cleaning, pottering around, being silly with a partner/friends/family. These things feel like the meaningful stuff of life to me. Here just feels like I'm crouched under a lip of rock for shelter to survive but I'm not actually living.
I'm not pursuing the more challenging and stimulating, difficult things that really bring meaning to my life, like my (very dormant) creative practice, or dating, or my (also very dormant) spiritual practice . Again, it feels like I'm crouched tense and wary, waiting to be in some state of "real life" before I can do these things.
I don't like the city I live in, having moved here last year on more or less a whim, and am contemplating a major change (moving abroad or at least long term travelling) for next year. I think in the interim I will move back to my parents' house, which has its own downsides but is definitely better than this. However I can't leave this city before September at the earliest due to job responsibilities that I simply can't just cut ties from.
I'm single and don't have a partner whose place I could spend time with, or who I could contemplate moving in with. All of my friends in this city (100%!) are co-habiting couples- no fellow single friends to do a nice houseshare with.
I can't afford to live alone in this city. Or I could, just about, but I'd not be able to save, and besides the rental market here is just horrible, and there are extremely few appealing options or the only options are in neighbourhoods I wouldn't want to live in. I'm not going to spend 3/4 of my income on a squalid 1 room studio next to a tram line and 40 minutes walk from my friends' places!
I'm 30 and am realising house sharing isn't for me any more (clearly!!) Perhaps a more equitable house share situation would work, with flatmates of equal standing sharing the house, instead of the innate power imbalance of living with and renting from a landlord, but I know those situations still raise a lot of the same problems for me, and I really don't want to live with twenty-somethings. There are plenty of other rooms to rent from live-in-landlords that I could try, but I can only see that that would lead to the same problems as I am having here.
So, my question is... what can I do in the meantime to stay sane healthy and actually maybe live like I'm a real person instead of a sad absent ghost? I go for walks, take myself out for brunch/dinner, try and see friends in the evenings, and go on trips to see distant friends and family regularly. Hanging out in parks or in the city is more of an option now it's summer but the climate where I live means even in summertime it's a gamble whether or not it will be pleasant to spend time outdoors on any given day. When I can I eat healthy full meals (e.g. at one of my workplaces I can get a cheap, nutritious hot lunch), I do. In my room I have all my nice familiar books and cushions and candles and incense and stuffies and things. But at "home" things are just. Bad*. Anyone been through this and have any ideas?
*(With the caveat that I am grateful to have a house to live in at all, that the people in it aren't actively horrible, that I have enough income to save for a different kind of future, and that I'm not legally locked in here and can leave whenever I want)
I am a lodger in a house with a live-in landlord, who has a partner who doesn't live here but does often stay overnight. I have a spacious attic room with a bed, desk, table, armchair, storage. I share the kitchen and bathroom with the landlord. The living room is out of bounds to me. I can use the dining room if I want but I tend not to. The rent is cheap.
Things I am struggling with:
1) Food.
-The kitchen is really small. I have a cupboard, 1 shelf in the fridge and 1/2 a drawer in the freezer for my food and things. The landlord and their partner often cook meals over a long time in the evening (I don't understand this- they will cook pasta and leave it sitting in the pan for ages, go off and do something else, leaving everything all over in the kitchen, and then come back to finish making the meal). They don't immediately clear up their things when they're done cooking/eating. The surfaces are mostly covered with their stuff, and the sink gets filled with their dirty dishes which stay there for days. There is never a clear surface or sink. I feel there's no physical or temporal space for me. I haven't so much as chopped an onion since I moved in in March. I eat bagged salad, a LOT of practically instant fresh pasta, pre-prepared foods, snack foods, cereal. There's also no microwave. When I went to visit my family recently and cooked everyone a meal I felt so much joy and realised how important cooking good, proper meals is for my happiness. I feel really sad about the waste that comes from eating pre-prepared foods. Quite often I don't eat a proper evening meal at all because I just don't want to go down to the kitchen, summoning the mental strength to dance around strangers and make awkward small talk in the 4 minutes it takes to boil some instant pasta and bolt back upstairs. In previous house share situations it seemed to work out that we would take it in turns, or pleasantly share the space, but because they are more or less there ALL??? evening and it is such a tiny kitchen, in this case it just feels really stressful.
2) Interpersonal issues.
- The landlord is fine. They made it clear when I moved in that they didn't want their lodger to be their friend, were annoyed at a previous lodger who had been too much in their face. At the time of moving in, this suited me fine as I was leaving a situation where my housemate/live-in landlord got weirdly aggressive with me for not hanging out as much as she wanted me to. I thought "business only" would suit me. But it's actually really lonely living with people who don't know or care about me. The landlord is approachable and kind enough, we exchange pleasantries when we do cross paths. But they don't know who or how I am. I recently house-sat for a fortnight for some friends and realised that living alone is actually far less lonely than living with strangers. To clarify there is no possibility I could become friends/close with the landlord. They have made it clear they don't want this, and I am also not personally drawn to them (different life stages, different interests, different personalities).
- I am very aware of the power imbalance. This is the landlord's home that they have lived in for 30 years. I'm just one in a very long line of transient lodgers. The house is stuffed with their things. I am really nobody. I have no rights. I can't negotiate or simply talk things through with them about the things I find challenging like I could with regular flatmates/friends, because we don't have an equitable relationship. It's very much a like it or lump it situation.
- The landlord and their partner have a very different circadian rhythm from mine. They go to bed around midnight or later and get up after nine. I usually sleep around 10:30/11pm to 7/7.30am and on some days have to leave the house at 6:30 for work. I feel so awkward being in the room above them and moving around and just living early in the morning, when it might disturb them. I also get woken up/kept awake often by them moving around the house, talking, and turning lights on and off late at night when I'm trying to sleep. The door to my room has a glass window- that leads onto stairs: they aren't able to see directly into my room!- but when they are up the landing light shines in through it brightly and makes it really hard to sleep. I've realised I lie there seething with irritation and rage at night, or else anxiously try to block out light and noise with eye masks and white noise. It feels very unhealthy to not have peace and calm within myself at bedtime.
- The landlord, their partner, and I all have various part time/freelance/WFH jobs. That means none of us has a regular schedule. Again, I find it really awkward and excruciating being in the house during the day when they may or not be around and never knowing when to expect them to be there or not. I also worry that they feel the same about me, even though I was clear when applying for the room about my variable schedule and that some days I WFH, as this was another bone of contention with my old housemate/landlord who hated that I was around the house so much.
- They bicker and argue, sometimes late at night. They hang out at home a lot and I feel very much in the way of them as a couple when I do emerge downstairs to cook, use the bathroom, etc.
- The landlord's partner is someone I find unpleasant to be around and I resent that he takes up a lot of space with his things and his personality, when he doesn't pay to live here, while I am paying rent and feel I need to be as shrunken and small and inconspicuous as possible.
- I feel just generally overlooked/overheard so can't do things that make me feel happy like talk to my friends and family openly on the phone and venting to them (in case the landlord hears me complaining about living here...), masturbate and make a bit of noise about it, sing, dance about, talk to myself in silly voices, get up really early to meditate/go for a walk, get up in the night for a snack. You know, enjoy myself and being alive.
*
Basically this is all adding up to me hating being "at home". Sometimes I just sit in my car when I get home from work or at the supermarket to avoid being here. When I am here I spend a lot of time being in a dissociative state scrolling/watching TV/playing games with headphones on so I'm not really present. I avoid the bathroom, I avoid the kitchen. Sometimes I stay hungry or needing the toilet or a shower for longer than is comfortable because I just don't want to be in the rest of the house.
I am prone to depression and you can imagine this isn't helping. It inclines me to not do the small things that make a big difference with my mental health, and lean in to unhealthy habits that make me unhappy (i.e. addictive internet usage). I am doing all my various work tasks and just about keeping up with one hobby (studying a language), and I have some good friends in this town who I hang out with a couple of times a week. But huuuge parts of me are just.. dormant. I am really a homebody, I love to just hang out listening to music, reading, cleaning, pottering around, being silly with a partner/friends/family. These things feel like the meaningful stuff of life to me. Here just feels like I'm crouched under a lip of rock for shelter to survive but I'm not actually living.
I'm not pursuing the more challenging and stimulating, difficult things that really bring meaning to my life, like my (very dormant) creative practice, or dating, or my (also very dormant) spiritual practice . Again, it feels like I'm crouched tense and wary, waiting to be in some state of "real life" before I can do these things.
I don't like the city I live in, having moved here last year on more or less a whim, and am contemplating a major change (moving abroad or at least long term travelling) for next year. I think in the interim I will move back to my parents' house, which has its own downsides but is definitely better than this. However I can't leave this city before September at the earliest due to job responsibilities that I simply can't just cut ties from.
I'm single and don't have a partner whose place I could spend time with, or who I could contemplate moving in with. All of my friends in this city (100%!) are co-habiting couples- no fellow single friends to do a nice houseshare with.
I can't afford to live alone in this city. Or I could, just about, but I'd not be able to save, and besides the rental market here is just horrible, and there are extremely few appealing options or the only options are in neighbourhoods I wouldn't want to live in. I'm not going to spend 3/4 of my income on a squalid 1 room studio next to a tram line and 40 minutes walk from my friends' places!
I'm 30 and am realising house sharing isn't for me any more (clearly!!) Perhaps a more equitable house share situation would work, with flatmates of equal standing sharing the house, instead of the innate power imbalance of living with and renting from a landlord, but I know those situations still raise a lot of the same problems for me, and I really don't want to live with twenty-somethings. There are plenty of other rooms to rent from live-in-landlords that I could try, but I can only see that that would lead to the same problems as I am having here.
So, my question is... what can I do in the meantime to stay sane healthy and actually maybe live like I'm a real person instead of a sad absent ghost? I go for walks, take myself out for brunch/dinner, try and see friends in the evenings, and go on trips to see distant friends and family regularly. Hanging out in parks or in the city is more of an option now it's summer but the climate where I live means even in summertime it's a gamble whether or not it will be pleasant to spend time outdoors on any given day. When I can I eat healthy full meals (e.g. at one of my workplaces I can get a cheap, nutritious hot lunch), I do. In my room I have all my nice familiar books and cushions and candles and incense and stuffies and things. But at "home" things are just. Bad*. Anyone been through this and have any ideas?
*(With the caveat that I am grateful to have a house to live in at all, that the people in it aren't actively horrible, that I have enough income to save for a different kind of future, and that I'm not legally locked in here and can leave whenever I want)
I had a similar suggestion- maybe get a single induction burner. Also, if you like animals and live a reasonably large city (or if you could easily travel to one nearby), consider petsitting. I use Trusted Housesitters, but there may be other platforms. Most of the listings are nice large houses or apartments, and you can stay there for free and have it all to yourself.
posted by pinochiette at 10:43 AM on June 5, 2022 [11 favorites]
posted by pinochiette at 10:43 AM on June 5, 2022 [11 favorites]
The first thing I would do is install a curtain or pretty piece of fabric (and by 'install' I mean use push pins pushed into the top of the door) to block the light coming through the window in the door. And it would also make the room feel more private, which would be a bonus.
posted by Too-Ticky at 10:44 AM on June 5, 2022 [19 favorites]
posted by Too-Ticky at 10:44 AM on June 5, 2022 [19 favorites]
I would also suggest an Itaki Electric Bento Box which you can use in your room to cook more elaborate, healthier meals.
posted by Cyber666 at 10:44 AM on June 5, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by Cyber666 at 10:44 AM on June 5, 2022 [4 favorites]
If it works for you, can you use the time in the morning when you’re awake and they aren’t to spread out and use the kitchen a little? Make yourself interesting breakfasts, or precook the sort of things like stews or curries that you can reheat servings of quickly in a pot?
posted by LizardBreath at 11:04 AM on June 5, 2022 [12 favorites]
posted by LizardBreath at 11:04 AM on June 5, 2022 [12 favorites]
You and this landlord are not suited to sharing a space. I am not sure the landlord is suited to sharing with anybody who wants to use a kitchen. No harm in exploring some of the other many rooms available. Not all will be in dwellings with minute kitchens and landlords who are hogging the kitchen for hrs on end and not clearing up after themselves and with partners spending a lot of time.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:06 AM on June 5, 2022 [11 favorites]
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:06 AM on June 5, 2022 [11 favorites]
Small fixes that will help: Black out curtains (cheap through Amazon or Ikea), sound machine or fan, headphones with chill music on, an induction stovetop and/or microwave, a small fridge and a small bookshelf for your own pantry, coffee-maker for your room. All of this stuff you could get cheap on craigslist/Facebook/whatever your local equivalent is.
Pet-sitting and house-sitting are a great way to stay in other, nicer homes. If you can get a reputation for being a responsible house-sitter, you may have to be home very little.
posted by Toddles at 11:08 AM on June 5, 2022 [6 favorites]
Pet-sitting and house-sitting are a great way to stay in other, nicer homes. If you can get a reputation for being a responsible house-sitter, you may have to be home very little.
posted by Toddles at 11:08 AM on June 5, 2022 [6 favorites]
I would immediately start looking for somewhere else to live. When I've been in unpleasant housing situations, I have always regretted not leaving earlier. Better houseshares DO exist. Also, as I vetted people more thoroughly initially, it was always a better experience living with them.
posted by randomquestion at 11:11 AM on June 5, 2022 [22 favorites]
posted by randomquestion at 11:11 AM on June 5, 2022 [22 favorites]
+many to Zalzidrax’ idea about an Instant Pot - water boilers are also very comforting to me for nice tea, pour over coffee, instant miso soup (throw in fresh spinach leaves). If it is summer where you live, focus on cold-assemblage meals that can be prepared in your room - chopped salads, bean salads, charcuterie and cheese, lovely and inventive sandwiches, nuts and dried fruits, sweet and savory yogurt combos, chia-seed puddings or overnight oats (need to go in the fridge, but could be mixed up in bulk in your room).
Could you buy or find (on Buy Nothing, neighborhood groups, etc) a mini-fridge and/or microwave for your room? A table or kitchen block for storage? (Keeping your own things nicely in your room would mean not even encountering the kitchen space downstairs unless you have to.) Same goes for a good SMALL garbage can with liners/recycling bin (so that you take them out often), flexible cutting boards, one decent chef’s knife, a prep bowl or two, Mason jars, whatever are the minimal pieces of equipment for what you will cook in the next couple of months. I know you said your schedule is erratic, but could you schedule a day/time on the weekend, maybe, to do meal prep for yourself?
Buy draft blockers for your door; hang a light-blocking curtain; add earplugs to your sleep routine (if you have tiny ears, like me, there *are* tiny earplugs out there). If you can buy/find an area rug (or enough small rugs to cover your floor), pad your surface as much as possible, both to dampen the sound of your footsteps and to soften the sounds from the rest of the house that make their way in. Can you buy a pair of noise-cancelling wireless headphones with big ol’ ear cups? My partner can’t listen to music while working, which I usually listen to all the time, and we both WFH - I wear them all day, and mix it up with podcasts and audiobooks as well.
Have you informed your landlord that sometimes you’ll leave for work early? That would be courteous, but if you’re paying for use of the space, you could try to trust that the landlord understands that they are exchanging the discomfort of hearing you move around for the rent you pay to live there.
Have you looked into co-housing or intentional housing communities? There are plenty of roommate situations among people in their thirties and beyond, for social reasons as well as money-saving ones.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 11:16 AM on June 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
Could you buy or find (on Buy Nothing, neighborhood groups, etc) a mini-fridge and/or microwave for your room? A table or kitchen block for storage? (Keeping your own things nicely in your room would mean not even encountering the kitchen space downstairs unless you have to.) Same goes for a good SMALL garbage can with liners/recycling bin (so that you take them out often), flexible cutting boards, one decent chef’s knife, a prep bowl or two, Mason jars, whatever are the minimal pieces of equipment for what you will cook in the next couple of months. I know you said your schedule is erratic, but could you schedule a day/time on the weekend, maybe, to do meal prep for yourself?
Buy draft blockers for your door; hang a light-blocking curtain; add earplugs to your sleep routine (if you have tiny ears, like me, there *are* tiny earplugs out there). If you can buy/find an area rug (or enough small rugs to cover your floor), pad your surface as much as possible, both to dampen the sound of your footsteps and to soften the sounds from the rest of the house that make their way in. Can you buy a pair of noise-cancelling wireless headphones with big ol’ ear cups? My partner can’t listen to music while working, which I usually listen to all the time, and we both WFH - I wear them all day, and mix it up with podcasts and audiobooks as well.
Have you informed your landlord that sometimes you’ll leave for work early? That would be courteous, but if you’re paying for use of the space, you could try to trust that the landlord understands that they are exchanging the discomfort of hearing you move around for the rent you pay to live there.
Have you looked into co-housing or intentional housing communities? There are plenty of roommate situations among people in their thirties and beyond, for social reasons as well as money-saving ones.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 11:16 AM on June 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
Could you offer a small amount of extra money for the ability to have people over for dinner 2x/month? They would have to clear the kitchen -- put all the stuff away, clear the table, clean the counters -- the day before, and in return you would maybe pay $30 more/month, clean thoroughly afterward, and maybe they would get some leftover muffins or something.
You'd have to bring in any refrigerated/frozen ingredients the day of the cooking, and they'd have to have a regular date night where they go out to a show or a park or something.
Heck, maybe they could use the money to make their lives better by hiring someone else to straighten the kitchen?
I'm not saying this is _likely_ to work out, but it's an option -- only you can know for sure.
posted by amtho at 11:29 AM on June 5, 2022
You'd have to bring in any refrigerated/frozen ingredients the day of the cooking, and they'd have to have a regular date night where they go out to a show or a park or something.
Heck, maybe they could use the money to make their lives better by hiring someone else to straighten the kitchen?
I'm not saying this is _likely_ to work out, but it's an option -- only you can know for sure.
posted by amtho at 11:29 AM on June 5, 2022
This must feel oppressive, sorry that you are dealing with this. Could you possibly go camping one or two weekends a month until September, just to get some space?
posted by happy_cat at 11:50 AM on June 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by happy_cat at 11:50 AM on June 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
On the kitchen-sharing aspect, I wonder if they have spread out all over the place for long periods of time, leaving dirty counters, pots and dishes because they by now assume that you have no interest in using the kitchen? Perhaps asking if you could use the kitchen at X o'clock for Z minutes would work? You can broach the cleanliness issue by saying something like "I will leave the kitchen the same way I find it" (hopefully that will spur them to clean more appropriately).
It might make sense to look for a mini-fridge and perhaps a coffeemaker, if only to heat water. It's the end of college semester, and there is an amazing amount of stuff like this that is offered for free as students move out and don't want to transport this stuff. I would definitely NOT plug in all sorts of cooking appliances, as you don't know the condition of the wiring or ventilation. Cooking odors would certainly give you away, and you do, after all, have kitchen privileges. If I were a landlord and a tenant cooked in their room I'd be alarmed and contemplate evicting them due to the risk of fire; things that heat up draw a lot of power and place a strain on under-rated wiring. I have a friend whose entire house burned down from a wiring fire inside the wall caused by a plugged-in crock pot while she was at work.
posted by citygirl at 11:57 AM on June 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
It might make sense to look for a mini-fridge and perhaps a coffeemaker, if only to heat water. It's the end of college semester, and there is an amazing amount of stuff like this that is offered for free as students move out and don't want to transport this stuff. I would definitely NOT plug in all sorts of cooking appliances, as you don't know the condition of the wiring or ventilation. Cooking odors would certainly give you away, and you do, after all, have kitchen privileges. If I were a landlord and a tenant cooked in their room I'd be alarmed and contemplate evicting them due to the risk of fire; things that heat up draw a lot of power and place a strain on under-rated wiring. I have a friend whose entire house burned down from a wiring fire inside the wall caused by a plugged-in crock pot while she was at work.
posted by citygirl at 11:57 AM on June 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
This sucks, I’m sorry.
We had a lodger (with whom we were more friendly than your situation), but his food solution was often, as LizardBreath suggests, things that can be reheated cooked initially at a convenient time; we’re talking cottage pie, chilli, etc. The downside is the same meal a few days in a row of course, which does risk you being little better off than the pasta-every-day situation you’re in right now. (Bless him, he had an enviably high tolerance for dull routine.)
A conversation about how you’d like to be able to cook sometimes, and is there any chance they could let you know some days (in advance) when they didn’t plan to use the kitchen so you could cook being a bother to them, might get you at least some respite? I don’t know how the money situation is, but coupled with a cheap microwave it could be freeing.
My approach for any such conversations would be a breezy tone that suggests that what you’re asking isn’t a big deal (it shouldn’t be), and always from an angle of “I would like to do this thing in the way that has the least impact on you possible. You’re actually carving out some tiny concessions, but in a respectful/submissive way — because ugh, yeah, power imbalance. And yeah, these conversations might go badly, but saying “no you can never cook because I like occupying the kitchen” is such a massive jerk position that most people would recognise how unreasonable that was as the words left their mouths… and maybe check themselves. If you don’t have the chat, you let them never need to actually be a jerk. If they happily embrace that extreme position then… you probably can’t fix them as a person.
Noise cancelling headphones can be really useful for blocking other people out, and can help prevent them from invading your space — which is really just your room right now — with their noise. Again, though: money.
It really sounds like you’re trying to do all the right things, and it just sucks anyway. It’s not permanent — they’re not your family, thank goodness. You’re going to make darn sure you’re not stuck in a situation like that forever.
posted by breakfast burrito at 12:25 PM on June 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
We had a lodger (with whom we were more friendly than your situation), but his food solution was often, as LizardBreath suggests, things that can be reheated cooked initially at a convenient time; we’re talking cottage pie, chilli, etc. The downside is the same meal a few days in a row of course, which does risk you being little better off than the pasta-every-day situation you’re in right now. (Bless him, he had an enviably high tolerance for dull routine.)
A conversation about how you’d like to be able to cook sometimes, and is there any chance they could let you know some days (in advance) when they didn’t plan to use the kitchen so you could cook being a bother to them, might get you at least some respite? I don’t know how the money situation is, but coupled with a cheap microwave it could be freeing.
My approach for any such conversations would be a breezy tone that suggests that what you’re asking isn’t a big deal (it shouldn’t be), and always from an angle of “I would like to do this thing in the way that has the least impact on you possible. You’re actually carving out some tiny concessions, but in a respectful/submissive way — because ugh, yeah, power imbalance. And yeah, these conversations might go badly, but saying “no you can never cook because I like occupying the kitchen” is such a massive jerk position that most people would recognise how unreasonable that was as the words left their mouths… and maybe check themselves. If you don’t have the chat, you let them never need to actually be a jerk. If they happily embrace that extreme position then… you probably can’t fix them as a person.
Noise cancelling headphones can be really useful for blocking other people out, and can help prevent them from invading your space — which is really just your room right now — with their noise. Again, though: money.
It really sounds like you’re trying to do all the right things, and it just sucks anyway. It’s not permanent — they’re not your family, thank goodness. You’re going to make darn sure you’re not stuck in a situation like that forever.
posted by breakfast burrito at 12:25 PM on June 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
In many cities, it is often pretty easy to find short term summer sublets because students aren't around in the summer. Your schedule might work out perfectly for one of those!
It sounds like your living situation is pretty grim and your best option would be to get out and find something better for the next 2-3 months.
posted by ssg at 12:31 PM on June 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
It sounds like your living situation is pretty grim and your best option would be to get out and find something better for the next 2-3 months.
posted by ssg at 12:31 PM on June 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
I would say I’m going to be cooking at home more often and work with them to “book” the kitchen for certain windows of time or days of the week. Their reaction to this reasonable request will tell you whether you can hack it a few more months or you need to get out now.
I would feel a LOT worse cooking in my room—I’d feel totally banished and I wouldn’t be comfortable sleeping in a food prep area.
I would join a book club or something that meets weekly, and I would park myself at a library, coffee shop, gym, or whatever when I need to feel like I inhabit the world.
posted by kapers at 12:34 PM on June 5, 2022 [7 favorites]
I would feel a LOT worse cooking in my room—I’d feel totally banished and I wouldn’t be comfortable sleeping in a food prep area.
I would join a book club or something that meets weekly, and I would park myself at a library, coffee shop, gym, or whatever when I need to feel like I inhabit the world.
posted by kapers at 12:34 PM on June 5, 2022 [7 favorites]
There are plenty of other rooms to rent from live-in-landlords that I could try, but I can only see that that would lead to the same problems as I am having here.
Please don't stay in a relationship and environment that makes you unhappy, when there is a happier tenant/landlord relationship out there just waiting for you. Make a comprehensive list of everything you need in a tenant/landlord relationship and environment, and go on an interviewing spree. And things are even in your favor because there are plenty of landlords for you to interview. What an opportunity!
posted by SageTrail at 12:39 PM on June 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
Please don't stay in a relationship and environment that makes you unhappy, when there is a happier tenant/landlord relationship out there just waiting for you. Make a comprehensive list of everything you need in a tenant/landlord relationship and environment, and go on an interviewing spree. And things are even in your favor because there are plenty of landlords for you to interview. What an opportunity!
posted by SageTrail at 12:39 PM on June 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
Another idea: volunteer in a cooking capacity? Maybe at a soup kitchen?
posted by amtho at 1:08 PM on June 5, 2022
posted by amtho at 1:08 PM on June 5, 2022
Another way to deal with putting fabric over the window is by using the Command velcro strips that are meant for posters, and attaching them to the fabric/blanket, and then the door. Easy to remove when you move with no damage, and quick to remove for cleaning and light when desired. (This "plastic velcro tape" is also available from elsewhere in rolls for lower cost... I seriously love the stuff.)
posted by stormyteal at 1:43 PM on June 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by stormyteal at 1:43 PM on June 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'd definitely encourage you to look for another shared situation, maybe in a two-person flat, whether with another renter or a live-in landlord. It doesn't have to be as bad as you have it right now.
I've been both the tenant (of a live-in landlord) and the live-in landlord in two-person flats. In both cases, they were amicable and comfortable for both of us and much nicer than your situation. In both cases, everyone had equal access to the kitchen and living areas, we'd cook and chat and be friendly and then spend evenings watching TV together, sharing a bottle of wine or a G&T or just generally hanging out. I remained friends with both my landlord and then my tenant after we stopped living together. My main tenant stayed for four years and only moved out when she bought her own place. She's still my friend several years later, we meet up for dinner and do helpful-when-you-live-alone favours for each other like being keyholders etc. I had other, shorter-term tenants, who preferred their own space, they still had equal access to the shared spaces but chose to go to their bedroom in the evenings, we'd chat amicably when we crossed paths.
So I'd definitely encourage you to look for something better. Sharing doesn't have to be the way it is for you now, or the four-people-crammed-in-and-nobody-washes-the-dishes hell of your twenties. In my case, everyone involved was in their 30s or 40s. My pro-tip when looking for tenants, was to look for people of similar age, who had experience living in shared accommodation, which gave a similar baseline in terms of leaving kitchens clean etc.
posted by penguin pie at 2:08 PM on June 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
I've been both the tenant (of a live-in landlord) and the live-in landlord in two-person flats. In both cases, they were amicable and comfortable for both of us and much nicer than your situation. In both cases, everyone had equal access to the kitchen and living areas, we'd cook and chat and be friendly and then spend evenings watching TV together, sharing a bottle of wine or a G&T or just generally hanging out. I remained friends with both my landlord and then my tenant after we stopped living together. My main tenant stayed for four years and only moved out when she bought her own place. She's still my friend several years later, we meet up for dinner and do helpful-when-you-live-alone favours for each other like being keyholders etc. I had other, shorter-term tenants, who preferred their own space, they still had equal access to the shared spaces but chose to go to their bedroom in the evenings, we'd chat amicably when we crossed paths.
So I'd definitely encourage you to look for something better. Sharing doesn't have to be the way it is for you now, or the four-people-crammed-in-and-nobody-washes-the-dishes hell of your twenties. In my case, everyone involved was in their 30s or 40s. My pro-tip when looking for tenants, was to look for people of similar age, who had experience living in shared accommodation, which gave a similar baseline in terms of leaving kitchens clean etc.
posted by penguin pie at 2:08 PM on June 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
You have every right to use the kitchen, so try to flex your muscles and make yourself Big, to counteract the effect of them making you feel small. I'd do this by cooking at lunch time. Rinse the dirty dishes that they have discourteously left in the sink, stack them, and make nice meals, storing leftovers in fridge or freezer. Post on freecycle or a buy nothing group (often found on fb) if you need a small fridge for your room. They are given all the time in my area.
Strategically, I love the prepared Indian meal packets rice or pasta, and those might be a pleasant addition to your meal planning. But, really, cook.
Get some pretty fabric and cover that glass. Fabric can be stuck on with Command hooks or white school glue.
They have shown you that noise is not an issue by being rather rudely noisy (loud personal fighting). All your life, people will be happy to take advantage of niceness and behave as badly as they are allowed. They made it clear friendship is not an option, so take them at their word on that. Don't be an asshole, but get some useful life experience of claiming your own space, and having what you deserve, fairly. Get up at your usual time, walk in your room as needed, Go in or out. Make a cooked breakfast; have a nice meal at lunch. Warm up leftovers for dinner. Don't be meek. Give them a cheery Hello, even a How are you today? Be yourself in a way that feels right, cordial and not intimidated. it's not like you have a friendship to maintain. They honestly sound like such inconsiderate jerks. Practice giving them side-eye after their arguing keeps you awake.
If they comment about the dishes, It's been hard to know how to manage the kitchen-sharing; if there's a better option, let me know. It is hard to deal with intimidating people. But intimidating people respect you more when you stand up. It doesn't need to be confrontational. You likely have a simmering anger at them (How could you not?) but be friendly and courteous. You will feel better when you are able to live in your home comfortably.
I am really nobody. I have no rights. You are somebody. In fact, you are somebody special, important, a person who has every right to be in the space you rent and use the amenities agreed on. Play music. Go to the kitchen at 3 a.m. for a glass of water or cup of tea. Play music. Dance if it's before 11 p.m. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
posted by theora55 at 3:04 PM on June 5, 2022 [12 favorites]
Strategically, I love the prepared Indian meal packets rice or pasta, and those might be a pleasant addition to your meal planning. But, really, cook.
Get some pretty fabric and cover that glass. Fabric can be stuck on with Command hooks or white school glue.
They have shown you that noise is not an issue by being rather rudely noisy (loud personal fighting). All your life, people will be happy to take advantage of niceness and behave as badly as they are allowed. They made it clear friendship is not an option, so take them at their word on that. Don't be an asshole, but get some useful life experience of claiming your own space, and having what you deserve, fairly. Get up at your usual time, walk in your room as needed, Go in or out. Make a cooked breakfast; have a nice meal at lunch. Warm up leftovers for dinner. Don't be meek. Give them a cheery Hello, even a How are you today? Be yourself in a way that feels right, cordial and not intimidated. it's not like you have a friendship to maintain. They honestly sound like such inconsiderate jerks. Practice giving them side-eye after their arguing keeps you awake.
If they comment about the dishes, It's been hard to know how to manage the kitchen-sharing; if there's a better option, let me know. It is hard to deal with intimidating people. But intimidating people respect you more when you stand up. It doesn't need to be confrontational. You likely have a simmering anger at them (How could you not?) but be friendly and courteous. You will feel better when you are able to live in your home comfortably.
I am really nobody. I have no rights. You are somebody. In fact, you are somebody special, important, a person who has every right to be in the space you rent and use the amenities agreed on. Play music. Go to the kitchen at 3 a.m. for a glass of water or cup of tea. Play music. Dance if it's before 11 p.m. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
posted by theora55 at 3:04 PM on June 5, 2022 [12 favorites]
There are plenty of other rooms to rent from live-in-landlords that I could try, but I can only see that that would lead to the same problems as I am having here.
I think this is overly defeatist, and you won't know if you don't look. You now know what your priorities are and what you need to talk about with prospective new landlords. I think you should focus, though, on finding someone's MIL-suite or ADU or garage apartment, something with its own bath and kitchenette even if it's the barest of bones and a tiny little place.
I am a messy leave-stuff-around take-forever-to-cook person, and I have only ever had roommates when it was a dire situation for someone who needed something very short term, and I agree with you that you're probably not going to get far trying to renegotiate their lifestyle. They would have done it already if it was important enough to them. Find a different situation, and see if you can find ways to cook in your room if at all possible until then.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:32 PM on June 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
I think this is overly defeatist, and you won't know if you don't look. You now know what your priorities are and what you need to talk about with prospective new landlords. I think you should focus, though, on finding someone's MIL-suite or ADU or garage apartment, something with its own bath and kitchenette even if it's the barest of bones and a tiny little place.
I am a messy leave-stuff-around take-forever-to-cook person, and I have only ever had roommates when it was a dire situation for someone who needed something very short term, and I agree with you that you're probably not going to get far trying to renegotiate their lifestyle. They would have done it already if it was important enough to them. Find a different situation, and see if you can find ways to cook in your room if at all possible until then.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:32 PM on June 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
Yeah, I think this isn’t a great situation, but it’s worth it to have a conversation with them about the kitchen. This might be an ask versus guess thing. It truly might not occur to them that their use of the kitchen is interfering with yours. I know that sounds absurd, but sometimes people just don’t see it. So I’d raise the issue that you’d like to use the kitchen for meals and how can that fit in with their schedule.
Right now you are making yourself very small and bending around them and not asserting yourself at all. But a tiny step forward would be a conversation about the kitchen. Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:50 PM on June 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
Right now you are making yourself very small and bending around them and not asserting yourself at all. But a tiny step forward would be a conversation about the kitchen. Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:50 PM on June 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
I stayed in a place recently that had a glass door that let in too much light from a living room- it had built-in blinds, so privacy wasn't the issue. My simple solution was to hang a yoga mat over it. I'd put the mat so that a few inches of it hung over the top of the door towards the other room and then I would shut the door and it stayed in place, completely darkening my room. I was lucky, it just happened to be a good size. A blanket could be used the same way.
And yes, you need to get out of there, either to a place of your own or to a shared place that is really shared.
posted by mareli at 6:31 PM on June 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
And yes, you need to get out of there, either to a place of your own or to a shared place that is really shared.
posted by mareli at 6:31 PM on June 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you are making a lot of assumptions about the power dynamic, and although you are right that it's not the same conversation you'd be having with peers, you should remember this is a business relationship and not a charitable deed they are doing for you. If you leave they are out the rent, they need to find another tenant on short notice - another tenant who is respectful about noise, doesn't have loud guests over unannounced, doesn't leave messes in the common spaces, pays on time... You have more leverage than you think. They aren't going to surprise evict you for asking if you can have an evening each week to use the kitchen, for example.
posted by Lady Li at 6:52 PM on June 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Lady Li at 6:52 PM on June 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
Another thing that works extremely well for blocking light in a window: black garbage bags. They are lightweight, and you can tape them up at night using painters tape and take them down in the morning. I did this on vacation when I stayed in a rental condo that had a floodlight right outside the window, and it worked great.
posted by SageTrail at 8:05 PM on June 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by SageTrail at 8:05 PM on June 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
Best answer: If you haven’t tried it, cook dinner for your friends in their homes. And maybe bring home leftovers and a microwave for your room.
Give yourself a lot of grace for making decisions outside your typical values. (Prepared foods). Consider a meal delivery service that sends already-cooked meals instead of ingredient boxes.
Also n-th-ing the idea that not all live in landlords are like this. All it costs is time to go meet a few and see if you click better.
I hear the above advice to ask your current landlord for more accommodations. I also support you if you do not follow it. I’ve had a few uncomfortable living situations (and my current one is also not great), and i stay sane by focusing on the things I *can* control-my private space and where I spend my time, rather than trying to ask other people to change (which they may do! Or agree to and not follow through!)
The other thing that I can control is my exit strategy. Every time I go to the (tiny, shared) kitchen I’m currently stuck with and find it a mess/disorganized in baffling ways, I just sigh and say “I quit” and grab whatever food to take back to my room. I won’t be here in 6 months, I’m just gonna let the imperfect stuff wash over me.
If you don’t want to be bold with your landlord, be bold with yourself. If at all possible, try to shift your perspective on a larger scale and try many more things outside your comfort zone. You can’t put down roots right now, and that sucks, but maybe there are upsides.
Go out and get things you wouldn’t normally do alone, try new habits, see movies and plays alone, pretend you’re staying in a hotel in an unfamiliar city. Go for long walks and take up urban sketching. You’re only in this city for a few more months, see as much of it as you can before you split. Relentlessly choose to make the best of things, and keep reminding yourself this too shall pass.
posted by itesser at 9:34 PM on June 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
Give yourself a lot of grace for making decisions outside your typical values. (Prepared foods). Consider a meal delivery service that sends already-cooked meals instead of ingredient boxes.
Also n-th-ing the idea that not all live in landlords are like this. All it costs is time to go meet a few and see if you click better.
I hear the above advice to ask your current landlord for more accommodations. I also support you if you do not follow it. I’ve had a few uncomfortable living situations (and my current one is also not great), and i stay sane by focusing on the things I *can* control-my private space and where I spend my time, rather than trying to ask other people to change (which they may do! Or agree to and not follow through!)
The other thing that I can control is my exit strategy. Every time I go to the (tiny, shared) kitchen I’m currently stuck with and find it a mess/disorganized in baffling ways, I just sigh and say “I quit” and grab whatever food to take back to my room. I won’t be here in 6 months, I’m just gonna let the imperfect stuff wash over me.
If you don’t want to be bold with your landlord, be bold with yourself. If at all possible, try to shift your perspective on a larger scale and try many more things outside your comfort zone. You can’t put down roots right now, and that sucks, but maybe there are upsides.
Go out and get things you wouldn’t normally do alone, try new habits, see movies and plays alone, pretend you’re staying in a hotel in an unfamiliar city. Go for long walks and take up urban sketching. You’re only in this city for a few more months, see as much of it as you can before you split. Relentlessly choose to make the best of things, and keep reminding yourself this too shall pass.
posted by itesser at 9:34 PM on June 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
Be brave, have a conversation with them that you would like to use the kitchen and cook meals but can’t at the moment because it’s always occupied with their kitchen detritus. It’s as simple as saying, would you mind clearing away after you’ve finished cooking so I can use the kitchen as well, thanks. You’re paying for the space, you’re entitled to use it. They probably think you don’t care or aren’t interested in making meals just because up until now you haven’t.
I think you need to use your voice and start taking up space! Enjoy where you live! If they get huffy about it, absolutely start looking but at least put it out there first. After all, chances are you’ll just be replaced by someone who wants the same thing - to actually live in their home instead of being shut away in a room like a hermit.
posted by Jubey at 1:58 AM on June 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
I think you need to use your voice and start taking up space! Enjoy where you live! If they get huffy about it, absolutely start looking but at least put it out there first. After all, chances are you’ll just be replaced by someone who wants the same thing - to actually live in their home instead of being shut away in a room like a hermit.
posted by Jubey at 1:58 AM on June 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone. Great to get a range of perspectives, as always.
Things I am doing/will do:
- Blanket tucked into the door to block out the light. Such a simple solution! Psychologically good to feel I have some power to make a change.
- Contacting some potential new places about arranging a viewing.
- Leaning into the transitory nature of my current situation and trying to make that my emotional reality, instead of feeling stuck.
- I am probably not going to confront the landlord about anything. But I can confront my self-debasement about normal things like eating, bathing and going to the toilet. I wouldn't keep a pet or a child deprived of these things, so I am not going to deprive myself of them either. I can let go of the guilt for eating less wholesome food if it means I at least eat.
- Trying to firm up my future plans so I know a timeframe and what I will be doing.
posted by Balthamos at 3:40 AM on June 6, 2022 [3 favorites]
Things I am doing/will do:
- Blanket tucked into the door to block out the light. Such a simple solution! Psychologically good to feel I have some power to make a change.
- Contacting some potential new places about arranging a viewing.
- Leaning into the transitory nature of my current situation and trying to make that my emotional reality, instead of feeling stuck.
- I am probably not going to confront the landlord about anything. But I can confront my self-debasement about normal things like eating, bathing and going to the toilet. I wouldn't keep a pet or a child deprived of these things, so I am not going to deprive myself of them either. I can let go of the guilt for eating less wholesome food if it means I at least eat.
- Trying to firm up my future plans so I know a timeframe and what I will be doing.
posted by Balthamos at 3:40 AM on June 6, 2022 [3 favorites]
Even if you can't afford to live alone, I do think that a different shared housing situation could be better for you. Personally, one of my rules for renting a place is "landlord lives off premises". Even just having the landlord living in the apartment above me (in a 3 family home) went poorly.
I think if you have a house share with one or two other roommates, where you're all on equal footing because you're all renters, you'll feel more comfortable. There is an inherent power imbalance with a live in landlord, because it's their place. So you'll always feel like you can't speak up/have to defer to them, and they'll always be more comfortable taking over the space b/c they see it as theirs.
I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. I've been in a somewhat similar situation, and I remember that trapped feeling, barely leaving my room, afraid to go out and use the kitchen. It's really stressful. I hope you find something better soon.
posted by litera scripta manet at 5:17 AM on June 6, 2022
I think if you have a house share with one or two other roommates, where you're all on equal footing because you're all renters, you'll feel more comfortable. There is an inherent power imbalance with a live in landlord, because it's their place. So you'll always feel like you can't speak up/have to defer to them, and they'll always be more comfortable taking over the space b/c they see it as theirs.
I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. I've been in a somewhat similar situation, and I remember that trapped feeling, barely leaving my room, afraid to go out and use the kitchen. It's really stressful. I hope you find something better soon.
posted by litera scripta manet at 5:17 AM on June 6, 2022
I am probably not going to confront the landlord about anything.
In case it helps to hear this reframing: having a conversation about kitchen schedules is not inherently confrontational. Not at all. It sounds like you don't want to go down this path, but if you do, you could start with something like, "Hey landlord, I would like to cook some evenings, and I wasn't sure how to schedule that around the times you are using the kitchen. Can we talk about this?"
posted by bluedaisy at 10:33 AM on June 6, 2022
In case it helps to hear this reframing: having a conversation about kitchen schedules is not inherently confrontational. Not at all. It sounds like you don't want to go down this path, but if you do, you could start with something like, "Hey landlord, I would like to cook some evenings, and I wasn't sure how to schedule that around the times you are using the kitchen. Can we talk about this?"
posted by bluedaisy at 10:33 AM on June 6, 2022
Yes, there's a line I've heard that says "prepare for a conversation, not a confrontation".
I would be very similar to you (and have felt that way definitely in the past in more than one situation)....but I think it's fair to say "I'm not sure how to go about using the kitchen in the evenings, is there a time slot I can book?" Or something similar. I'm a creature of habit so I would want a fixed time- also that eliminates the guess/ask aspect of it all. It's reasonable that you want to be able to eat at the place you are living- but I agree with someone above that some people are really oblivious. Listen, try to move- an overly expensive studio for x months near a tram line may actually be a giant improvement. It also takes the pressure off the conversation- speak to the landlord, and be ready to move either way. And yes, I (think I) know exactly how you feel and how awkward and painful all this is.
posted by bquarters at 12:31 PM on October 30, 2022
I would be very similar to you (and have felt that way definitely in the past in more than one situation)....but I think it's fair to say "I'm not sure how to go about using the kitchen in the evenings, is there a time slot I can book?" Or something similar. I'm a creature of habit so I would want a fixed time- also that eliminates the guess/ask aspect of it all. It's reasonable that you want to be able to eat at the place you are living- but I agree with someone above that some people are really oblivious. Listen, try to move- an overly expensive studio for x months near a tram line may actually be a giant improvement. It also takes the pressure off the conversation- speak to the landlord, and be ready to move either way. And yes, I (think I) know exactly how you feel and how awkward and painful all this is.
posted by bquarters at 12:31 PM on October 30, 2022
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These days I find myself doing a lot of stuff in my instant pot, too, even with a full kitchen. so that's another thing that might not need a kitchen kitchen, but still get you homecooked meals. Just need enough space on a table/desk for a small cutting board and the cooking appliance that you can clear out when it's time to cook and you can at least make some basic things and it helps so much.
And in general, for me, setting up my personal space for me to do stuff in, even if it's cramped and requires problem-solving, definitely helps with make it feel more like a "home" for what it's worth.
posted by Zalzidrax at 10:38 AM on June 5, 2022 [9 favorites]