Should I return my newly adopted cat to the animal shelter?
May 20, 2022 2:53 PM
I've had this sweet cat for just a month, but right now I'm on antibiotics for an infected arm from where he scratched and bit me on a few occasions. I have an appointment to return him to the shelter on Sunday, but my heart is breaking about letting him go.
We adopted 1 year old Clyde to be friends with our 4 year old female cat Maxine. We also wanted a feline addition to our family. Maxine is NOT happy that Clyde is here. We've had to keep them apart, taking turns with one of them always locked in a room so the other one can have the roam of the house. They've had one serious fight during an attempt at letting them both out at once. We've tried all the things that you are supposed to do to introduce cats, moving very slowly, but this seems like it is not going to be a good relationship. I feel bad for Maxine. Her life has changed for the worse.
Clyde is so sweet. He will come up and hop into your lap and "hug" you, putting a paw on each of your shoulders, and laying his head next to your cheek. He loves pets, and he adores playing. He likes to play fetch, and he enjoys all his toys. We try to take turns playing with him throughout the day. He had one of his rear legs amputated but that doesn't slow him down - he loves to run fast through the house.
The problem is that Clyde has bitten me a number of times when I have been petting him. This has been after just a couple of strokes, not multiple stroking. Once he bit me after he rubbed his head on my hand, and once when I was asleep. He is very strong and when he bites and scratches he can do a lot of damage. I went to urgent care yesterday because after his last attack a week ago, my arm got infected. I'm now on antibiotics.
He will also swipe, with claws out, at my wife, and he has bitten her a few times, but never broken the skin. He was just out on my lap earlier today and I was super-mindful of how I was touching him when he was hugging me. I let him touch me, I didn't touch him. That seemed to work well.
A little background on him. He is 1 years old, like I said. He was a stray on the street until he was 4 months old. He came into the pound with a missing foot. He was in a rural pound that was a kill facility, somehow made it out of there and up to our city to the no-kill shelter, where they amputated his leg. He didn't get adopted for some time. He was still recovering from the surgery when we adopted him.
So, we have the appointment to surrender him. We felt it was best for Maxine, and that I couldn't go on being bit and clawed. My wife is also afraid of him because of him clawing at her. But I'll be honest. I feel like I'm giving up on him and am afraid for what might happen to him, especially when the shelter finds out that he bites (they specifically ask for this information).
Thoughts?
We adopted 1 year old Clyde to be friends with our 4 year old female cat Maxine. We also wanted a feline addition to our family. Maxine is NOT happy that Clyde is here. We've had to keep them apart, taking turns with one of them always locked in a room so the other one can have the roam of the house. They've had one serious fight during an attempt at letting them both out at once. We've tried all the things that you are supposed to do to introduce cats, moving very slowly, but this seems like it is not going to be a good relationship. I feel bad for Maxine. Her life has changed for the worse.
Clyde is so sweet. He will come up and hop into your lap and "hug" you, putting a paw on each of your shoulders, and laying his head next to your cheek. He loves pets, and he adores playing. He likes to play fetch, and he enjoys all his toys. We try to take turns playing with him throughout the day. He had one of his rear legs amputated but that doesn't slow him down - he loves to run fast through the house.
The problem is that Clyde has bitten me a number of times when I have been petting him. This has been after just a couple of strokes, not multiple stroking. Once he bit me after he rubbed his head on my hand, and once when I was asleep. He is very strong and when he bites and scratches he can do a lot of damage. I went to urgent care yesterday because after his last attack a week ago, my arm got infected. I'm now on antibiotics.
He will also swipe, with claws out, at my wife, and he has bitten her a few times, but never broken the skin. He was just out on my lap earlier today and I was super-mindful of how I was touching him when he was hugging me. I let him touch me, I didn't touch him. That seemed to work well.
A little background on him. He is 1 years old, like I said. He was a stray on the street until he was 4 months old. He came into the pound with a missing foot. He was in a rural pound that was a kill facility, somehow made it out of there and up to our city to the no-kill shelter, where they amputated his leg. He didn't get adopted for some time. He was still recovering from the surgery when we adopted him.
So, we have the appointment to surrender him. We felt it was best for Maxine, and that I couldn't go on being bit and clawed. My wife is also afraid of him because of him clawing at her. But I'll be honest. I feel like I'm giving up on him and am afraid for what might happen to him, especially when the shelter finds out that he bites (they specifically ask for this information).
Thoughts?
I have found by hard experience that a formerly feral kitten is almost impossible to guide into affectionate domesticity. It's not your fault, but his aggressive behavior is upsetting Maxine and is dangerous to you and your wife. I know that he's not doing it "on purpose", but at this point this is hard wired and unlikely to change.
I'm sorry.
posted by citygirl at 3:19 PM on May 20, 2022
I'm sorry.
posted by citygirl at 3:19 PM on May 20, 2022
I would be heartbroken in your situation and your uncertainty is very understandable.
You seem to have taken time and made reasonable efforts to integrate Clyde into your home and if you feel like you've done enough then you have. A cat can't live it's best life in a home where other cats hate it and humans are afraid of it. Sending the cat back to an operation that specializes in finding homes for cats is a responsible act.
I recently adopted a tripod and the staff at the humane society told my wife and I that they would have no trouble homing him if we didn't take him, because tripod cats are popular. Telling the shelter about the biting will only help them find the right new home for Clyde, I don't think the information will bring any harm to him.
Sometimes doing the right thing for a.pet means keeping them, but sometimes it means letting them go. Please don't castigate yourself too much.
posted by chudmonkey at 3:20 PM on May 20, 2022
You seem to have taken time and made reasonable efforts to integrate Clyde into your home and if you feel like you've done enough then you have. A cat can't live it's best life in a home where other cats hate it and humans are afraid of it. Sending the cat back to an operation that specializes in finding homes for cats is a responsible act.
I recently adopted a tripod and the staff at the humane society told my wife and I that they would have no trouble homing him if we didn't take him, because tripod cats are popular. Telling the shelter about the biting will only help them find the right new home for Clyde, I don't think the information will bring any harm to him.
Sometimes doing the right thing for a.pet means keeping them, but sometimes it means letting them go. Please don't castigate yourself too much.
posted by chudmonkey at 3:20 PM on May 20, 2022
Clyde has clearly had a traumatic first-year of his life, and so it's not surprising that he's prickly or easily over-stimulated when it comes to petting. He sounds like a sweetie, but not a great fit for you, given that you already have a cat - perhaps Maxine would adapt more easily to a less traumatized kitten.
I agree that you should surrender him - it's not your fault.
posted by coffeecat at 3:21 PM on May 20, 2022
I agree that you should surrender him - it's not your fault.
posted by coffeecat at 3:21 PM on May 20, 2022
I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago with Sophie, a cat I was temporarily sheltering (10 months, as it turned out). I asked about the situation here.
The eventual upshot was that I got Sophie to calm down a lot and mostly grasp that biting and claw-swiping was not necessary, by making an effort whenever she struck: you have to not react, but to go very still and quiet, and remove yourself gently from the cat's clutch, and more or less demonstrate to them that it didn't work. Not always easy when you're bleeding. And it was never 100%. I was always on eggshells around her (and was relieved when she was reclaimed by the person who'd temporarily handed her off).
The odd thing with Sophie (and it sounds like Clyde too) is that the attack seems to come from a kind of neurological misfire, not from anything personal. The cat likes you, but sometimes a stimulus hits them just so and they lash out.
But this is the thing: Sophie was the only cat I had here at the time. Trying to calm Sophie down with another cat in the mix would've been impossible.
I think Clyde needs to go back to the shelter, and no blame to you.
posted by zadcat at 3:24 PM on May 20, 2022
The eventual upshot was that I got Sophie to calm down a lot and mostly grasp that biting and claw-swiping was not necessary, by making an effort whenever she struck: you have to not react, but to go very still and quiet, and remove yourself gently from the cat's clutch, and more or less demonstrate to them that it didn't work. Not always easy when you're bleeding. And it was never 100%. I was always on eggshells around her (and was relieved when she was reclaimed by the person who'd temporarily handed her off).
The odd thing with Sophie (and it sounds like Clyde too) is that the attack seems to come from a kind of neurological misfire, not from anything personal. The cat likes you, but sometimes a stimulus hits them just so and they lash out.
But this is the thing: Sophie was the only cat I had here at the time. Trying to calm Sophie down with another cat in the mix would've been impossible.
I think Clyde needs to go back to the shelter, and no blame to you.
posted by zadcat at 3:24 PM on May 20, 2022
Cats are not dogs. Being labeled a biter or a scratcher will not consign Clyde to a swift death. It sounds like he would be a lot happier being an only cat in a very calm home, at least for a good long while as he works through his trauma. That is not your responsibility to give him. It is also not the responsibility of your other cat to endure this process. The shelter is asking about biting and related information so they know how best to care for him and protect their volunteers and employees. It’s unfortunate that it all didn’t work out but cats are really sensitive to the emotions of the other beings in their households and it sounds like the cats were freaking each other out, and you and your wife are justifiably nervous during your interactions with Clyde. None of that is a good environment for recovery.
posted by Mizu at 3:49 PM on May 20, 2022
posted by Mizu at 3:49 PM on May 20, 2022
I know that you are making the right decision. I am so sorry to hear that Clyde has had such a hard time adjusting and that his bites have been so serious that they've required a doctor's visit and medicine! I am so sorry that you adopted him with the best of intentions and did everything right only to have things not work out. I also agree that it's important that you are prioritizing the needs of your first cat Maxine, because I feel that's the best approach when adding a second kitty. A month is a long time and a serious commitment so you absolutely did everything right there. That said, I can imagine how heartbroken you are. A friend of mine was in a similar situation and she returned the cat too; it turns out a more free life in the countryside as a well-loved mostly outdoor cat was best.
The shelter can find a good match for him and take good care in the meantime. If it's a no-kill shelter, they will likely just know to warn any future families. In the likely chance he gets put down, it will be sad but for the best because human health is most important. We shouldn't lie or minimize things when it could put another human at risk. The cat my friend returned? Her boyfriend was hospitalized from a staph infection due to a cat bite and almost had to have his fingers amputated. While this is unlikely, it is possible and something to remember, sadly. Again, the cat wasn't put to sleep but rather placed in a very different setting.
I have adopted five cats from shelters: two died young due to feline leukemia (exposed before I had adopted them), and another got separated during COVID while the country was in lockdown and I couldn't go back. She was adopted by a dream forever family and I'm heartbroken but happy she's happy again. Heavy hearted by hopeful, I adopted my next cat from a shelter, then found his brother (unrelated but they even look alike?!) outside my apartment building a few months later. They started getting along after a weekend of separation, and now we all cuddle together in bed slightly less than a year later. In some ways, I feel like a failure because of the first three even if the challenges were completely out of my control: I mean, for the third I literally got turned away at the border and had my passport taken away trying to return to get the kitty! (OK, this sounds crazy but there's more to the story, of course.) Why do I say this all? We become the keeper of pets with the best intentions and usually things work out but sometimes they don't. It's heartbreaking but ultimately we do what's best, however hard, for all involved. I absolutely get how you feel and hope my stories make you feel a little less awful about this.
Clyde will be well-cared for upon his return, and there is a kitty out there somewhere -- a few days, weeks, months or years from now -- who will be a wonderful buddy to Maxine and a sweet fur baby to you. And this way you will have the chance to save another life or two.
posted by smorgasbord at 3:52 PM on May 20, 2022
The shelter can find a good match for him and take good care in the meantime. If it's a no-kill shelter, they will likely just know to warn any future families. In the likely chance he gets put down, it will be sad but for the best because human health is most important. We shouldn't lie or minimize things when it could put another human at risk. The cat my friend returned? Her boyfriend was hospitalized from a staph infection due to a cat bite and almost had to have his fingers amputated. While this is unlikely, it is possible and something to remember, sadly. Again, the cat wasn't put to sleep but rather placed in a very different setting.
I have adopted five cats from shelters: two died young due to feline leukemia (exposed before I had adopted them), and another got separated during COVID while the country was in lockdown and I couldn't go back. She was adopted by a dream forever family and I'm heartbroken but happy she's happy again. Heavy hearted by hopeful, I adopted my next cat from a shelter, then found his brother (unrelated but they even look alike?!) outside my apartment building a few months later. They started getting along after a weekend of separation, and now we all cuddle together in bed slightly less than a year later. In some ways, I feel like a failure because of the first three even if the challenges were completely out of my control: I mean, for the third I literally got turned away at the border and had my passport taken away trying to return to get the kitty! (OK, this sounds crazy but there's more to the story, of course.) Why do I say this all? We become the keeper of pets with the best intentions and usually things work out but sometimes they don't. It's heartbreaking but ultimately we do what's best, however hard, for all involved. I absolutely get how you feel and hope my stories make you feel a little less awful about this.
Clyde will be well-cared for upon his return, and there is a kitty out there somewhere -- a few days, weeks, months or years from now -- who will be a wonderful buddy to Maxine and a sweet fur baby to you. And this way you will have the chance to save another life or two.
posted by smorgasbord at 3:52 PM on May 20, 2022
Anecdote: I was my cat Mystery's second adopter, and I'm really glad that her first returned her, because she was meant to be my cat.
Clyde will find his people. You're helping him do that. You've probably done a lot to socialise him already.
Even without the fits of clawing and biting, his being aggressive towards your current cat is grounds for return. He may well be calmer in a home without another cat's presence.
posted by Pallas Athena at 3:56 PM on May 20, 2022
Clyde will find his people. You're helping him do that. You've probably done a lot to socialise him already.
Even without the fits of clawing and biting, his being aggressive towards your current cat is grounds for return. He may well be calmer in a home without another cat's presence.
posted by Pallas Athena at 3:56 PM on May 20, 2022
Thank you all. We wanted to be good mommies to Clyde. You all are helping us validate our decision. I think we just wanted some reassurance. It is really, really hard to say goodbye to him. I appreciate the insight, experience and wisdom you shared. Ps- the shelter he is going back to is a no-kill shelter and is just wonderful.
posted by furtheryet at 4:23 PM on May 20, 2022
posted by furtheryet at 4:23 PM on May 20, 2022
Did Clyde get neutered kind of late...? We had this awesome cat who started out nice with a nice name but then became "Mister Butthud" because one day I couldn't get the sliding glass door open fast enough for him, so he blithely laid open my calf. I tried to say "What the fuck, Mister Butthead?!?" but I was startled and in some pain, so it came out mangled, like my calf, and then the name stuck. He did that kind of thing a lot. We'd had mostly female cats before that and with his advent we learned that the males can get a little cantankerous. I can't remember whether he got less irritable after we finally neutered him or whether he stayed hair-trigger, but I think he was always a bit cranky. Loved, loved, loved that cat. Somebody who's looking for a challenge and doesn't have an established kitty for him to be scarily rambunctious around will adopt dear Clyde, don't worry.
posted by Don Pepino at 5:39 PM on May 20, 2022
posted by Don Pepino at 5:39 PM on May 20, 2022
If it helps to hear from one more person, it really sounds like you are making the right decision, even though I'm sure it's a heartbreaking one to make. Even without the biting, it sounds like you gave this a chance to see if Maxine could get along with Clyde, and it's just not a match. Your first priority has to be her. It wouldn't be fair to her to bring in a cat that's going to significantly reduce her quality of life in the long term. Clyde may just need to be an only cat.
Also, the biting you in your sleep thing would really give me pause. Some cats get overstimulated when pet. And maybe you were moving around in a way that engaged his play instinct - who knows. But could you and your wife feel comfortable keeping a cat that might do that?
It sounds like you gave this time, and you really tried, but it's just not a good match. You don't want the 3 original members of your household to suffer just to make room for Clyde. The rescue can help him find a family that's a better fit. And honestly, maybe as an only cat he'll have an easier time relaxing and the aggressive behavior will be less of an issue.
posted by litera scripta manet at 8:16 PM on May 20, 2022
Also, the biting you in your sleep thing would really give me pause. Some cats get overstimulated when pet. And maybe you were moving around in a way that engaged his play instinct - who knows. But could you and your wife feel comfortable keeping a cat that might do that?
It sounds like you gave this time, and you really tried, but it's just not a good match. You don't want the 3 original members of your household to suffer just to make room for Clyde. The rescue can help him find a family that's a better fit. And honestly, maybe as an only cat he'll have an easier time relaxing and the aggressive behavior will be less of an issue.
posted by litera scripta manet at 8:16 PM on May 20, 2022
I don't know that this information should impact your decision to return Clyde -- but one of our housecats recently went through a rear leg amputation. Surgical site/nerve pain can linger for many months manifesting as sudden pain/sensation which could cause erratic behavior. While you haven't indicated that the incidents are resulting from any touching near amputation site, there may still be some relationship. If Clyde isn't still on pain/nerve medication you may want to consider consulting with your vet and continuing on lower dose meds for pain management (gabapentin). He may also be reacting to your other cat more strongly because he knows he's at a (slight) disadvantage and may be happier in a lower stress environment.
The first cat I ever adopted I ended up returning to the foster agency. We were a terrible fit and the cat would pounce bite on me while sleeping in my tiny studio apartment. The foster agency was amazing to work with and later worked with me again to successfully adopt two adult cats. Fit matters and it's OK if it doesn't work out. It sounds like it will be better for Clyde, better for Maxine, and better for you & your partner to let Clyde move on.
posted by countrymod at 8:28 PM on May 20, 2022
The first cat I ever adopted I ended up returning to the foster agency. We were a terrible fit and the cat would pounce bite on me while sleeping in my tiny studio apartment. The foster agency was amazing to work with and later worked with me again to successfully adopt two adult cats. Fit matters and it's OK if it doesn't work out. It sounds like it will be better for Clyde, better for Maxine, and better for you & your partner to let Clyde move on.
posted by countrymod at 8:28 PM on May 20, 2022
By the way, here is a photo of Clyde. I'm his other mommy.
posted by NotLost at 8:46 PM on May 20, 2022
posted by NotLost at 8:46 PM on May 20, 2022
Cat fostrer here. I kept my first foster "baby", a timid stray 3 year old orange cat and fostered multiple other, usually young adults, for several months. Here is a thing.
Some cats get along well immediately, some never. There are cats who were sold too early (it happens often with backyard breders) and not properly socialized in their early youth, they were discarded to the street or neglected in the home of the "owner". Some of them were wandering the streets for years. I have seen many diffrent stories and sometimes we do not know what the cat was exposed to and how was it socialized. I personaly make a conclusion after approximately 2 months of keeping a cat, doing the proper introduction as you mentioned, whether there is a way for them to share household with another cat or not. What happens to a cat in the first 3 months in her life will dictate many aspects of her personality. And if that is either lacking or the experience is unpleasant, the behavior can turn the way where it will not be suitable to accomodate the other cats. When I started fostering, I was not only in doubt whether my shy adopted cat will appreciate a companion, but also if the new cat is made for that.
Good news is, usualy cat co-interactions do not worsen with time. In some cases of cats with problematic past cats they can, however, and those are also the cats who are just not meant to share space with others. I put them for adoption under the condition of being the only cat/pet in the household. I currently have a foster that is the sweetest and the cuddliest cat i have ever seen...to humans. To the other cats he is as if someone flips the switch on him.
Your Clyde might be just that sort. It all depnds on you if you want to still give it time, but since you are mentioning aggression, it might be a better idea to give him up to a home with different living conditions. Perhaps you could also take on fostering and find a perfect companion for your old lady like that? I certainly did it this way and after a few successfully adopted cats, I am keeping another one :) they are not best friends and there is still some hissing but they are chilling near each other now which i consider a huge proggress!
You can also keep him and monitor the progress however the traits you mention, I doubt they will significantly change in the near future.
I wish you best of luck whatever you decide :)
posted by Salicornia at 11:20 AM on May 21, 2022
Some cats get along well immediately, some never. There are cats who were sold too early (it happens often with backyard breders) and not properly socialized in their early youth, they were discarded to the street or neglected in the home of the "owner". Some of them were wandering the streets for years. I have seen many diffrent stories and sometimes we do not know what the cat was exposed to and how was it socialized. I personaly make a conclusion after approximately 2 months of keeping a cat, doing the proper introduction as you mentioned, whether there is a way for them to share household with another cat or not. What happens to a cat in the first 3 months in her life will dictate many aspects of her personality. And if that is either lacking or the experience is unpleasant, the behavior can turn the way where it will not be suitable to accomodate the other cats. When I started fostering, I was not only in doubt whether my shy adopted cat will appreciate a companion, but also if the new cat is made for that.
Good news is, usualy cat co-interactions do not worsen with time. In some cases of cats with problematic past cats they can, however, and those are also the cats who are just not meant to share space with others. I put them for adoption under the condition of being the only cat/pet in the household. I currently have a foster that is the sweetest and the cuddliest cat i have ever seen...to humans. To the other cats he is as if someone flips the switch on him.
Your Clyde might be just that sort. It all depnds on you if you want to still give it time, but since you are mentioning aggression, it might be a better idea to give him up to a home with different living conditions. Perhaps you could also take on fostering and find a perfect companion for your old lady like that? I certainly did it this way and after a few successfully adopted cats, I am keeping another one :) they are not best friends and there is still some hissing but they are chilling near each other now which i consider a huge proggress!
You can also keep him and monitor the progress however the traits you mention, I doubt they will significantly change in the near future.
I wish you best of luck whatever you decide :)
posted by Salicornia at 11:20 AM on May 21, 2022
If your shelter or another rescue org in your area has a barn/warehouse cat adoption program, that might be one option you can feel better about. Some cats just have a really difficult time adjusting to sharing a home with people, and this is another way to give them a stable and happy home sooner.
posted by blerghamot at 11:55 AM on May 21, 2022
posted by blerghamot at 11:55 AM on May 21, 2022
Last update: Clyde went back to Animal Humane today. It was really hard to take him, and there were a lot of tears on our part. He didn't understand what was going on. We sent his favorite mouse toy with him. Both his mommies thank you all from the bottom of our hearts for your wonderful responses. We are re-reading them now, because they are helping us feel a little better on this very sad day.
posted by furtheryet at 11:56 AM on May 22, 2022
posted by furtheryet at 11:56 AM on May 22, 2022
Thank you for the update, furtheryet. I know it was so hard but I also know it was the right decision and that Clyde will go on to have a happy life. Really! My heart goes out to you and your partner right now. <3 <3
posted by smorgasbord at 1:33 PM on May 22, 2022
posted by smorgasbord at 1:33 PM on May 22, 2022
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by metahawk at 3:08 PM on May 20, 2022