Tipping anxiety in moneyed, corporate situations
April 19, 2022 7:22 PM Subscribe
I'm starting to enter the world of 1 percenters due to work travel/events. I don't know this culture and I'm generally very uncomfortable in it. It gives me a lot of social anxiety, especially when it comes to tipping. With this different level and type of service, I have no clue who to tip and when.
Already more than once I have offered a tip and been laughed at because it was unnecessary (and was probably offensive of me). And other times I'm sure I didn't tip when I was supposed to and came off as a total ass. This becomes even more confusing when I don't know the cost of things as they are being covered by third parties, or I'm in another country. A few examples: A third party provides me car service to the airport. Am I supposed to/how much should I tip the driver? In super fancy hotels, if a nice card in the room tells me to call down for a different kind of pillow, do I tip the person who delivers the pillow to my door? If I need to bring luggage into a high end department store and staff there offer to store it for me, do I tip them? These are some overly specific scenarios, but at most I am looking for some rules of thumb for tipping in these "fancy" environments (I can't think of a better way to describe this right now) or some resources to learn more. My googling skills haven't been able to help much so far. Thanks for any help.
Already more than once I have offered a tip and been laughed at because it was unnecessary (and was probably offensive of me). And other times I'm sure I didn't tip when I was supposed to and came off as a total ass. This becomes even more confusing when I don't know the cost of things as they are being covered by third parties, or I'm in another country. A few examples: A third party provides me car service to the airport. Am I supposed to/how much should I tip the driver? In super fancy hotels, if a nice card in the room tells me to call down for a different kind of pillow, do I tip the person who delivers the pillow to my door? If I need to bring luggage into a high end department store and staff there offer to store it for me, do I tip them? These are some overly specific scenarios, but at most I am looking for some rules of thumb for tipping in these "fancy" environments (I can't think of a better way to describe this right now) or some resources to learn more. My googling skills haven't been able to help much so far. Thanks for any help.
I’m wondering what the contexts were when people said it was unnecessary. Usually those are people being paid as part of a contract - for example, resort staff whose gratuity is built into the cost structure, or people whose role is perceived as professional (desk clerk, banquet manager).
in my admittedly limited but nonzero interactions with extremely affluent people, I’ve seen them tip just about everybody who offers them a personal form of service. So doorman, no (only as a gift at Christmas), bellhop, yes, security guard no, tour guide yes, athletic club receptionist no, tennis pro yes.
posted by Miko at 8:07 PM on April 19, 2022 [13 favorites]
in my admittedly limited but nonzero interactions with extremely affluent people, I’ve seen them tip just about everybody who offers them a personal form of service. So doorman, no (only as a gift at Christmas), bellhop, yes, security guard no, tour guide yes, athletic club receptionist no, tennis pro yes.
posted by Miko at 8:07 PM on April 19, 2022 [13 favorites]
Not that I'm in the 1% but I tend to tip nearly everyone who does anything for me besides ring up my groceries, and then some people reject the tips.
posted by small_ruminant at 8:27 PM on April 19, 2022
posted by small_ruminant at 8:27 PM on April 19, 2022
Do you have a mentor/manager in this work situation? It wouldn't, in my opinion, be a bad idea to talk to them about this situation - admitting you're not experienced with this level of society and would like some tips to avoid embarrassing situations which of course could potentially reflect on your employer.
posted by TimHare at 8:44 PM on April 19, 2022 [12 favorites]
posted by TimHare at 8:44 PM on April 19, 2022 [12 favorites]
In my emphatically not-the-1%-life, I have come to realize that, when I travel especially, I tip anyone that does anything that I do not do who tries to make my travel/stays any easier/more frictionless. Handle my bag? Here's a tip. Turn down my bed when I didn't really ask/don't really need it? Tip! Routinely clean my hotel room? TIP!
Tip literally anyone that makes your life easier. How much is up to you, but if you can swing it, make $5 a baseline for, say, hotel bag valets, and $10 a night for cleaning staff (I usually leave a lump sum with a thank you note at the end of a hotel stay).
This all applies to US travel - if you're traveling abroad, it's a good idea to check with your hotel concierge/manager to see what the customs are around tipping in the place where you are. But in the US, for better or worse, money is the lingua franca of service, and the more generous you are with it, the better your service/stay will be.
posted by pdb at 9:07 PM on April 19, 2022 [2 favorites]
Tip literally anyone that makes your life easier. How much is up to you, but if you can swing it, make $5 a baseline for, say, hotel bag valets, and $10 a night for cleaning staff (I usually leave a lump sum with a thank you note at the end of a hotel stay).
This all applies to US travel - if you're traveling abroad, it's a good idea to check with your hotel concierge/manager to see what the customs are around tipping in the place where you are. But in the US, for better or worse, money is the lingua franca of service, and the more generous you are with it, the better your service/stay will be.
posted by pdb at 9:07 PM on April 19, 2022 [2 favorites]
Factors that trend towards offering a tip:
a) You are directly paying for a service.
b) The service is not provided by a "professional" employee. (I use this term loosely, because food serving is a professional!).
c) The service optional and/or beyond the basic level of service normal provided (even if it is provided for free).
d) The person performing the service is paid lower, with the expectation that customers will subsidize their salary (waiters, taxi drivers, hotel doorpeople).
Factors that trend towards not offering a tip:
a) You are not paying for a service. If someone else is paying for a service, or event, all employees associated with that service/event are generally expected to be paid by the person paying for the service/event.
b) The service is provided by a "professional" employee and/or the service is money-related.
c) The service is a basic part part of what you're buying (with the notable exception of restaurants and taxi drivers)
d) The person performing the service is paid well, and/or the person performing the service owns the facility performing the service.
A third party provides me car service to the airport. Am I supposed to/how much should I tip the driver?
The third party is paying for the service, and the driver isn't doing anything beyond expectation, so third party pays for the tips. This is roughly similar to a third party buying you dinner - you don't tip the servers.
In super fancy hotels, if a nice card in the room tells me to call down for a different kind of pillow, do I tip the person who delivers the pillow to my door?
You're paying for the hotel, and the hotel is providing something slightly beyond basic service. However, it's a very quick service for you - so perhaps $1 - $5.
If I need to bring luggage into a high end department store and staff there offer to store it for me, do I tip them?
Honestly, I didn't even know that was a thing. At least at a hotel, storage/retrieval of luggage is part of basic service of the hotel, so I've never tipped for it. Also the amount of time taken is nearly zero, so the tip would be close to zero anyway.
posted by saeculorum at 9:08 PM on April 19, 2022 [1 favorite]
a) You are directly paying for a service.
b) The service is not provided by a "professional" employee. (I use this term loosely, because food serving is a professional!).
c) The service optional and/or beyond the basic level of service normal provided (even if it is provided for free).
d) The person performing the service is paid lower, with the expectation that customers will subsidize their salary (waiters, taxi drivers, hotel doorpeople).
Factors that trend towards not offering a tip:
a) You are not paying for a service. If someone else is paying for a service, or event, all employees associated with that service/event are generally expected to be paid by the person paying for the service/event.
b) The service is provided by a "professional" employee and/or the service is money-related.
c) The service is a basic part part of what you're buying (with the notable exception of restaurants and taxi drivers)
d) The person performing the service is paid well, and/or the person performing the service owns the facility performing the service.
A third party provides me car service to the airport. Am I supposed to/how much should I tip the driver?
The third party is paying for the service, and the driver isn't doing anything beyond expectation, so third party pays for the tips. This is roughly similar to a third party buying you dinner - you don't tip the servers.
In super fancy hotels, if a nice card in the room tells me to call down for a different kind of pillow, do I tip the person who delivers the pillow to my door?
You're paying for the hotel, and the hotel is providing something slightly beyond basic service. However, it's a very quick service for you - so perhaps $1 - $5.
If I need to bring luggage into a high end department store and staff there offer to store it for me, do I tip them?
Honestly, I didn't even know that was a thing. At least at a hotel, storage/retrieval of luggage is part of basic service of the hotel, so I've never tipped for it. Also the amount of time taken is nearly zero, so the tip would be close to zero anyway.
posted by saeculorum at 9:08 PM on April 19, 2022 [1 favorite]
The general rule I've had in the US (not that I'm in that 1% but the rule generally applies even up there) is as Miko put it, tipping everyone who performs a personal service that you request (such as checking your coat, making you coffee, or giving you a haircut) and is not required (like ringing you up at a store, checking you in at the hotel).
In your examples I would tip the person bringing the pillow or room service, the staff holding your luggage, but not necessarily the driver. I think that in general if someone else is paying and arranging something, they are the ones responsible for the tip (such as a car service, buying you a meal etc). As they are the one who knows how much it costs and have the means of paying the provider, it falls to them.
That said some people don't tip when they should... I'm constantly tipping at receptions and such where the people tending the open bar have been paid ahead of time but clearly also accept tips (and sometimes give you a long pour as a token of appreciation). And leaving behind 5-10 bucks a night for the cleaning staff is also frequently overlooked.
If you're unsure, it's also totally OK to ask, "Is it customary to tip? Sorry, I don't [take private cars/have a personal shopper/exchange pillows] often." They may demur (employees may be prohibited from directly asking for tips) but the answer will probably be clear or at least point you in the right direction... "it's not necessary" = yes please; "it's taken care of" = no need. Either way there are few who will actively reject five or ten bucks moving in their direction.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 9:14 PM on April 19, 2022 [5 favorites]
In your examples I would tip the person bringing the pillow or room service, the staff holding your luggage, but not necessarily the driver. I think that in general if someone else is paying and arranging something, they are the ones responsible for the tip (such as a car service, buying you a meal etc). As they are the one who knows how much it costs and have the means of paying the provider, it falls to them.
That said some people don't tip when they should... I'm constantly tipping at receptions and such where the people tending the open bar have been paid ahead of time but clearly also accept tips (and sometimes give you a long pour as a token of appreciation). And leaving behind 5-10 bucks a night for the cleaning staff is also frequently overlooked.
If you're unsure, it's also totally OK to ask, "Is it customary to tip? Sorry, I don't [take private cars/have a personal shopper/exchange pillows] often." They may demur (employees may be prohibited from directly asking for tips) but the answer will probably be clear or at least point you in the right direction... "it's not necessary" = yes please; "it's taken care of" = no need. Either way there are few who will actively reject five or ten bucks moving in their direction.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 9:14 PM on April 19, 2022 [5 favorites]
If you are at a banquet or cocktail reception or any swanky event at a big hotel or event space, you do not need to tip, the gratuity is included. However, if a server or food runner or bartender or some other person really makes your night, feel free to slip that person 20 bucks. Please do not try to tip managers at events like that.
"Is it customary to tip? is great, also ask "is the gratuity included?" especially when checking in at resorts. Always leave a decent cash tip for housekeeping when checking out of a hotel, even if someone else paid.
posted by vrakatar at 9:37 PM on April 19, 2022 [2 favorites]
"Is it customary to tip? is great, also ask "is the gratuity included?" especially when checking in at resorts. Always leave a decent cash tip for housekeeping when checking out of a hotel, even if someone else paid.
posted by vrakatar at 9:37 PM on April 19, 2022 [2 favorites]
Hourly employees - tip. Service industry especially. Also, it pays to be discreet in case they are not “allowed”. Getting out of car “thank you so much, appreciated” slip money. But car service is tricky because it’s often not hourly. You can have some idea by whether or not the person is chatty at all - chatty tends to equal tippable, stoic often means being paid quite a lot already to be doing their job.
This is also highly local dependent, and it would be worthwhile to find someone you can ask on the down low about who to top going into certain situations. Executive Assistants are great assets for this information.
Also, you are now surrounded by assholes who routinely don’t even SEE the people they should be tipping, it is great to err on the side of being over generous and being lightly rebuffed about it. There are people who think it is gauche to acknowledge/pay “the staff” and it makes you a better person to continue seeing people’s humanity and paying for their services. Also, it is likely that people will turn down a tip when they see it lowering their social standing (ie they don’t want to be perceived as being in the tipped class) but will also be delighted with a tip offered discretely or “in kind” - watches, tickets to shows, a bottle of wine, etc. anything that signals equal social standing. This is for people you want to build a relationship with because they have access or you will be interacting with them or people connected to them.
Also, pertinent, are you now the 1% or are you just interacting with those circles? My answer above assumes you have moved up yourself. If you are now merely upper middle class and interacting, the tipping rules fall even more heavily into not implying that you have a higher social standing than the person you are interacting with.
In short, a lot of this is an intricate class game while pretending that class isn’t a thing. Accept gifts graciously and give gifts graciously. And anytime you aren’t sure if a gratuity is appropriate give an appropriate gift instead.
You can also judge quite a bit based on clothes of whether someone ought to be tipped, but that’s a whole entire other novel.
posted by Bottlecap at 10:19 PM on April 19, 2022 [7 favorites]
This is also highly local dependent, and it would be worthwhile to find someone you can ask on the down low about who to top going into certain situations. Executive Assistants are great assets for this information.
Also, you are now surrounded by assholes who routinely don’t even SEE the people they should be tipping, it is great to err on the side of being over generous and being lightly rebuffed about it. There are people who think it is gauche to acknowledge/pay “the staff” and it makes you a better person to continue seeing people’s humanity and paying for their services. Also, it is likely that people will turn down a tip when they see it lowering their social standing (ie they don’t want to be perceived as being in the tipped class) but will also be delighted with a tip offered discretely or “in kind” - watches, tickets to shows, a bottle of wine, etc. anything that signals equal social standing. This is for people you want to build a relationship with because they have access or you will be interacting with them or people connected to them.
Also, pertinent, are you now the 1% or are you just interacting with those circles? My answer above assumes you have moved up yourself. If you are now merely upper middle class and interacting, the tipping rules fall even more heavily into not implying that you have a higher social standing than the person you are interacting with.
In short, a lot of this is an intricate class game while pretending that class isn’t a thing. Accept gifts graciously and give gifts graciously. And anytime you aren’t sure if a gratuity is appropriate give an appropriate gift instead.
You can also judge quite a bit based on clothes of whether someone ought to be tipped, but that’s a whole entire other novel.
posted by Bottlecap at 10:19 PM on April 19, 2022 [7 favorites]
I honestly don't think anyone can answer this who isn't in this milieu as they have their own rules. You need to find someone in that group who you trust to tell you how to fit in if you feel like you're not cutting it with what you already know.
posted by bleep at 10:36 PM on April 19, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by bleep at 10:36 PM on April 19, 2022 [6 favorites]
you don't mention in which country this is occurring. for example, here in DK nothing of what you describe would trigger a tip. Is your question for the US?
posted by alchemist at 11:57 PM on April 19, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by alchemist at 11:57 PM on April 19, 2022 [7 favorites]
This becomes even more confusing when I don't know the cost of things as they are being covered by third parties, or I'm in another country.
It really depends on the country. Many of the things you've mentioned I would tip in the US but not in England. You should get an etiquette guide for each of the countries where you're likely to have this question. Some of this stuff is even more local - doormen aren't tipped the same in NYC and LA for instance (they're very rare in LA anyway because rich people there don't live in apartments for the most part).
posted by atrazine at 1:41 AM on April 20, 2022 [3 favorites]
It really depends on the country. Many of the things you've mentioned I would tip in the US but not in England. You should get an etiquette guide for each of the countries where you're likely to have this question. Some of this stuff is even more local - doormen aren't tipped the same in NYC and LA for instance (they're very rare in LA anyway because rich people there don't live in apartments for the most part).
posted by atrazine at 1:41 AM on April 20, 2022 [3 favorites]
Where are you travelling to or having these events? In Europe, as a broad over simplification, only the car service example would generally attract a tip.
posted by JJZByBffqU at 2:41 AM on April 20, 2022
posted by JJZByBffqU at 2:41 AM on April 20, 2022
In the US, most people in service roles are paid very poorly. Better to accidentally tip someone who doesn't usually get tipped than not tip someone earning $9 an hour who could really use the extra cash.
posted by emd3737 at 4:07 AM on April 20, 2022
posted by emd3737 at 4:07 AM on April 20, 2022
As far as social anxiety: If it's just you who is interacting with someone providing a service, then I'd definitely err on the side of tipping; as others have said, you can always preface it with by asking if they accept tips. (I wouldn't ask if tips are customary; you should tip in many situations where most people don't.) Any reasonable person will appreciate your trying to do the right thing. And you probably will never see that person again in your life.
It gets a little more complicated if you are traveling with coworkers; in that case, it's entirely reasonable to ask them, so that you fit in. As suggested above, ask a coworker in advance, or during the event. E.g., while you're riding in the car paid for by someone else, you could say, "I've never been in a situation like this. Is it appropriate for me to tip at the end?" I can't think of anyone who would be offended by someone asking for information on how to do the right thing.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 6:16 AM on April 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
It gets a little more complicated if you are traveling with coworkers; in that case, it's entirely reasonable to ask them, so that you fit in. As suggested above, ask a coworker in advance, or during the event. E.g., while you're riding in the car paid for by someone else, you could say, "I've never been in a situation like this. Is it appropriate for me to tip at the end?" I can't think of anyone who would be offended by someone asking for information on how to do the right thing.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 6:16 AM on April 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'll throw in one more suggestion the mention of "etiquette" reminded me about: there are coaches for this. Especially if there are other questions you have about behaving in this social stratum, you might consider signing up for classes or coaching specifically on corporate etiquette expectations, somewhere like the Etiquette School of NY, Etiquette Institute of Washington, DC, etc. They don't just do table manners, they do everything - networking, social occasions, travel, communication, dress, etc.
posted by Miko at 6:34 AM on April 20, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Miko at 6:34 AM on April 20, 2022 [3 favorites]
And one more thing: almost in any such situation it's gauche to make a big deal of tipping. Mastering the "slip" and just treating it as matter-of-fact are part of the class marker. Making a big scene of tipping or expecting effusive thanks are class marked.
posted by Miko at 6:35 AM on April 20, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by Miko at 6:35 AM on April 20, 2022 [10 favorites]
Outside of the obvious situations (like a restaurant with a line for tips on the bill), there isn't always an obviously correct answer. In my experience, it's important to develop a little bit of thicker skin about this type of thing because very often someone will have a different opinion on whether you should tip and how much - i.e., someone will say you did it wrong, no matter what you do. There isn't a special code that all the 1% people know. Instead, it's most important to act like you know what you are doing and portray confidence - that's more the 1% thing than knowing every detail of what is appropriate where. If you are uncertain and you are worried about it, then I would lean towards over-tipping until you feel more comfortable about it -- it's rare in my experience that someone is offended by an offered tip; they may turn it down, but you shouldn't feel bad about that - just say something nice, like, well I really appreciate your help, thank you.
I, personally, would not ask a person providing service if tipping is appropriate - that just seems like an awkward conversation where, if the person says anything but a super simple yes or no, there will just be more complications and awkward back-and-forth -- i.e., if they say "it's up to you," does that really help you? And how much would you tip then? In my own social anxiety world, it's better just to give something and tell yourself that you're probably in the ballpark of what is correct -- remember, nobody is thinking about this as much as you, and nobody will remember this in a day or two other than you.
In terms of rules of thumb, in my experience anytime you are asking someone in a hotel to do something for you (like store your bag, park your car, deliver something, whatever), that's a tip. Hotels are basically "heavy tipping" zones. As far as a third party paying for the car service - I usually offer $10 or $20 at the end of the ride and about 80% of the drivers take it, but sometimes (infrequently) they refuse. I say $10 or $20 and not 20% intentionally - when someone else is paying the underlying cost, the tip is "personal" from you - not based on what someone else is paying, in this type of scenario.
posted by Mid at 6:36 AM on April 20, 2022 [9 favorites]
I, personally, would not ask a person providing service if tipping is appropriate - that just seems like an awkward conversation where, if the person says anything but a super simple yes or no, there will just be more complications and awkward back-and-forth -- i.e., if they say "it's up to you," does that really help you? And how much would you tip then? In my own social anxiety world, it's better just to give something and tell yourself that you're probably in the ballpark of what is correct -- remember, nobody is thinking about this as much as you, and nobody will remember this in a day or two other than you.
In terms of rules of thumb, in my experience anytime you are asking someone in a hotel to do something for you (like store your bag, park your car, deliver something, whatever), that's a tip. Hotels are basically "heavy tipping" zones. As far as a third party paying for the car service - I usually offer $10 or $20 at the end of the ride and about 80% of the drivers take it, but sometimes (infrequently) they refuse. I say $10 or $20 and not 20% intentionally - when someone else is paying the underlying cost, the tip is "personal" from you - not based on what someone else is paying, in this type of scenario.
posted by Mid at 6:36 AM on April 20, 2022 [9 favorites]
Asking the workers directly is never a bad idea, unless it will embarrass you in front of the VIPs. (I only enter these spaces as the scrappy academic brought out to make big donors feel engaged; they like to see us bumble a bit.) My general understanding is that tipping for something another person has paid for is usually not done, except for an open bar. So, I'd not do it for hired car that I'm not paying for, but I would try to tip a couple of USD for the other cases you mention. But, I could be wrong - I'm usually guessing.
posted by eotvos at 7:08 AM on April 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by eotvos at 7:08 AM on April 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
A different aspect of this is that you can and should, as a recipient of "1%" services, expect that this is taken care of for you along with most arrangements of car service, hotel, dining, travel.
That is an unspoken part of "1%" -- that you don't need to be bothered with minute transactions (expressing that in snobby terms so you get the point). A true 1%-er has a personal assistant who takes care of the minutia of daily life for them.
So the driver should be tipped by whoever hired them. If someone else is hosting the dinner, they do the tipping. If someone has arranged for you to work/be at a store, they are responsible for the tipping. If you get room service at a hotel where someone else is paying for your room, you tip and charge it to the room.
It's only when you are doing the hosting, taking a prospective hire out to dinner, that you do the tipping.
For personal-to-YOU things that go beyond the contracted level of service, like the pillow swap, you should tip. If I were waiting at a bar ahead of a scheduled dinner, tip there.
I would not ask workers directly. It puts them on the spot with a difficult-to-answer question, and points out their inferiority in a transaction implicitly.
posted by Dashy at 7:59 AM on April 20, 2022 [10 favorites]
That is an unspoken part of "1%" -- that you don't need to be bothered with minute transactions (expressing that in snobby terms so you get the point). A true 1%-er has a personal assistant who takes care of the minutia of daily life for them.
So the driver should be tipped by whoever hired them. If someone else is hosting the dinner, they do the tipping. If someone has arranged for you to work/be at a store, they are responsible for the tipping. If you get room service at a hotel where someone else is paying for your room, you tip and charge it to the room.
It's only when you are doing the hosting, taking a prospective hire out to dinner, that you do the tipping.
For personal-to-YOU things that go beyond the contracted level of service, like the pillow swap, you should tip. If I were waiting at a bar ahead of a scheduled dinner, tip there.
I would not ask workers directly. It puts them on the spot with a difficult-to-answer question, and points out their inferiority in a transaction implicitly.
posted by Dashy at 7:59 AM on April 20, 2022 [10 favorites]
I have experienced similar anxiety regarding tipping in unfamiliar social situations related to work travel.
As others have said, the location is critical as different countries have very different tipping customs.
A rule of thumb that has worked for me in the U.S. is to err on the side of offering a tip and to tip as if you are on an expense account even if you won’t get reimbursed. In the U.S., I would tip in each of the examples you gave. I agree with others that a third party who arranges a ride to the airport SHOULD have covered the tip, but I would still tip the driver just in case. Much better for the driver to be overtipped then undertipped.
It’s hard for me to imagine a service provider in the U.S. laughing at or being offended by an offered tip, even if it is offered in an unusual or even arguably inappropriate context. On the other hand, failing to tip in a situation where a tip is expected is offensive and embarrassing.
The same is true with respect to clients, colleagues, etc. Very few people will think less of you for casually tipping in a borderline situation. I’ve seen wealthy people tip in situations where it wouldn’t have occurred to me, but I feel like that generally gives the impression of confidence and generosity unless it is done in an ostentatious manner. On the other hand, failing to provide an expected tip could give others the impression that you are cheap or unsophisticated.
In short, my rule of thumb is to err on the side of overtipping. To emphasize, this applies in the US only. I’ve been made fun of by Londoners for tipping bartenders, which was not done at the time. But the Londoners mostly thought it was just another stupid American habit and the bartenders didn’t seem to mind. So although I was initially embarrassed it was all good.
posted by lumpy at 8:00 AM on April 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
As others have said, the location is critical as different countries have very different tipping customs.
A rule of thumb that has worked for me in the U.S. is to err on the side of offering a tip and to tip as if you are on an expense account even if you won’t get reimbursed. In the U.S., I would tip in each of the examples you gave. I agree with others that a third party who arranges a ride to the airport SHOULD have covered the tip, but I would still tip the driver just in case. Much better for the driver to be overtipped then undertipped.
It’s hard for me to imagine a service provider in the U.S. laughing at or being offended by an offered tip, even if it is offered in an unusual or even arguably inappropriate context. On the other hand, failing to tip in a situation where a tip is expected is offensive and embarrassing.
The same is true with respect to clients, colleagues, etc. Very few people will think less of you for casually tipping in a borderline situation. I’ve seen wealthy people tip in situations where it wouldn’t have occurred to me, but I feel like that generally gives the impression of confidence and generosity unless it is done in an ostentatious manner. On the other hand, failing to provide an expected tip could give others the impression that you are cheap or unsophisticated.
In short, my rule of thumb is to err on the side of overtipping. To emphasize, this applies in the US only. I’ve been made fun of by Londoners for tipping bartenders, which was not done at the time. But the Londoners mostly thought it was just another stupid American habit and the bartenders didn’t seem to mind. So although I was initially embarrassed it was all good.
posted by lumpy at 8:00 AM on April 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
That is an unspoken part of "1%" -- that you don't need to be bothered with minute transactions (expressing that in snobby terms so you get the point).
It all depends - I have seen CEO-types dole out tips in hotels and restaurants and with drivers because the tip is like a personal thank-you, even if the company/somebody else is paying. But, also, a CEO-type would not express worry about whether to tip or not they would just do it or not in a confident way.
I would not ask workers directly. It puts them on the spot with a difficult-to-answer question, and points out their inferiority in a transaction implicitly.
I totally agree with this - especially if there is a language barrier (which is often the case in hotels or when traveling) - the conversation will likely be awkward and leave neither person feeling more comfortable. I.e., someone might be happy to take a tip without discussion, but if you basically ask them if they want a tip, then they might feel like saying "yes" makes them seem needy/begging.
posted by Mid at 8:43 AM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
It all depends - I have seen CEO-types dole out tips in hotels and restaurants and with drivers because the tip is like a personal thank-you, even if the company/somebody else is paying. But, also, a CEO-type would not express worry about whether to tip or not they would just do it or not in a confident way.
I would not ask workers directly. It puts them on the spot with a difficult-to-answer question, and points out their inferiority in a transaction implicitly.
I totally agree with this - especially if there is a language barrier (which is often the case in hotels or when traveling) - the conversation will likely be awkward and leave neither person feeling more comfortable. I.e., someone might be happy to take a tip without discussion, but if you basically ask them if they want a tip, then they might feel like saying "yes" makes them seem needy/begging.
posted by Mid at 8:43 AM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
I agree with Dashy, above. I think what you’re running into here is about tipping when someone else has already paid, and has included gratuity. My experience is that 1%ers actually aren’t always running around tipping people in cash anymore, because that has already taken place behind the scenes. BUT there are different ways to handle it. If you calmly slip someone a twenty, and say “Thank you so much,” they’re not going to object, even if they’d already been tipped. But at the end of the car ride, if you go up to the driver awkwardly and are like, “This is so embarrassing, I want to give you a tip but I don’t know how much the ride costs and what’s appropriate to tip in this situation, would a twenty be all right?” then yes, they probably will laugh you off, and while it’s not the worst thing in the world it does signal that you’re moving in an unfamiliar milieu.
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 8:44 AM on April 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 8:44 AM on April 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
Valet gets tipped every time they retrieve your car and remove/put luggage from/into it , bellperson gets tipped for handling luggage when you arrive and leave, housekeeper gets tipped at the end of the stay.
posted by brujita at 9:15 AM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by brujita at 9:15 AM on April 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
I think Dashy has got it. It's the approach that I generally take.
In my job I've often been in situations where I (and by extension, the company employing me) wasn't expected to pay for things, but I was still there, on business, interacting (in some official way) with people who earn significantly more in a day than I expect to see in my lifetime. (Just for perspective, I've personally spoken with two people on the top 10 list here and been in the room with three more).
I personally can't afford to spend a lot of money on a business trip that I will never get reimbursed for, so, as much as I don't like it, that means I have to be careful with my tipping. This was especially true when I was on the road a lot more than I am now. In general, I've worked for small companies that aren't rolling in dough and are far from generous with employee expenses. They're also places that make employees pay for things upfront and then pay you back sometime after you return and submit your expenses.
If I order room service, I add on a tip (unless the tip is part of the total bill, which it sometimes is). Room service is typically a charge that my company picks up, so I try not to do it too frequently or be too extravagant. In contrast the hotel room charge is usually picked up by the organizer of the event (this can mean staying in some very expensive and famous hotels my company wouldn't pay for in a million years).
I've never tipped a hired car driver, because normally that is taken care of by the event organizer. I do tip cab drivers for rides I arrange myself (and include the tip on the submitted receipt I give to the accounting department).
I've never tipped a server or a bartender at an event hosted by another organization. I'm not a demanding customer (I don't ask the wait staff about meal substitutions, for example, at those kind of events) and my most complicated bar order is usually one non-alcoholic drink as the odds are good that after the event is over, I'll be in my room working for hours.
I don't tip at coat checks for work events organized by others (instead, I do everything I can to avoid checking coats, mainly to avoid the hassle.) I also make sure that I carry my own bags, and do whatever I can to avoid relying on other people for service, in part because I don't want to deal with a tipping situation.
Honestly, at first it is a very disconcerting way to live, when you're expected to work professionally in an environment where everybody has so much more money than you do and a completely different concept of how to spend it. Eventually, you do--or at least I did--get over those uncomfortable feelings. You're a professional. You're there to do a job. As part of that job, you're exposed to the way the rich live. That's a perk of the job--a job you are likely undercompensated for in the first place. You're likely working in an industry that the capitalist system doesn't value as much as it should. Just because the one-percenters are getting paid massive amounts for what they do, it doesn't mean they're any smarter or any better than you are, or that they're of a "higher class" (i.e. have more intrinsic worth as a human being than you do). They're just lucky that their talents and opportunities led them into a realm that is valued by the monetary and economic system.
While I would personally love to tip more, as it's in my nature to do so, I really can't afford to take an out-of-pocket loss during business trips. While a few bucks here or there in tip money may seem like relatively nothing, by the time you factor in foreign exchange and the sheer number of business trips some companies expect their employees to take (and other factors) it can add up to a pretty large number at the end of the quarter (or the year). Travelling on business typically inflicts a monetary cost on the person doing the travelling in all sorts of little ways, as I'm sure you've discovered--for example, I bet your travel-related dry-cleaning bill is significantly higher than your typical laundry costs, and that's not a cost you can (typically) claim back from your employer.
I realize I may sound cynical and cheap, but living this split way of life is a reality for some people, and while being generous and altruistic is a noble goal, it is one that is often in conflict with the economic realities people find themselves in. My best advice to you, dede, is try not to let your anxiety get the best of you. Understand that you've been put into a very difficult situation, and if you don't behave "perfectly" (according to whatever etiquette guide or unwritten societal code you suspect is governing the situation) know that you're not at fault.
Also, keep in mind that you've been brought into this complicated business situation situation because of your professional skills and talents. They have value. If they didn't, rich businesses and executives wouldn't be wasting money to have you there. That means you belong. You have an equal right to be there as anybody else. Don't let people's wallets or bank accounts intimidate you. The odds are good that they can't do what you do, so they aren't any better than you. Hold your head up high, pull up every professional instinct you have, do your job, but don't stop yourself from having a good time, or taking a few minutes to appreciate the luxury you've been exposed to or the beauty of the location, or whatever fabulous experience these events can provide you. You're just as worthy of those experiences as all the Richie Riches in the room.
posted by sardonyx at 9:31 AM on April 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
In my job I've often been in situations where I (and by extension, the company employing me) wasn't expected to pay for things, but I was still there, on business, interacting (in some official way) with people who earn significantly more in a day than I expect to see in my lifetime. (Just for perspective, I've personally spoken with two people on the top 10 list here and been in the room with three more).
I personally can't afford to spend a lot of money on a business trip that I will never get reimbursed for, so, as much as I don't like it, that means I have to be careful with my tipping. This was especially true when I was on the road a lot more than I am now. In general, I've worked for small companies that aren't rolling in dough and are far from generous with employee expenses. They're also places that make employees pay for things upfront and then pay you back sometime after you return and submit your expenses.
If I order room service, I add on a tip (unless the tip is part of the total bill, which it sometimes is). Room service is typically a charge that my company picks up, so I try not to do it too frequently or be too extravagant. In contrast the hotel room charge is usually picked up by the organizer of the event (this can mean staying in some very expensive and famous hotels my company wouldn't pay for in a million years).
I've never tipped a hired car driver, because normally that is taken care of by the event organizer. I do tip cab drivers for rides I arrange myself (and include the tip on the submitted receipt I give to the accounting department).
I've never tipped a server or a bartender at an event hosted by another organization. I'm not a demanding customer (I don't ask the wait staff about meal substitutions, for example, at those kind of events) and my most complicated bar order is usually one non-alcoholic drink as the odds are good that after the event is over, I'll be in my room working for hours.
I don't tip at coat checks for work events organized by others (instead, I do everything I can to avoid checking coats, mainly to avoid the hassle.) I also make sure that I carry my own bags, and do whatever I can to avoid relying on other people for service, in part because I don't want to deal with a tipping situation.
Honestly, at first it is a very disconcerting way to live, when you're expected to work professionally in an environment where everybody has so much more money than you do and a completely different concept of how to spend it. Eventually, you do--or at least I did--get over those uncomfortable feelings. You're a professional. You're there to do a job. As part of that job, you're exposed to the way the rich live. That's a perk of the job--a job you are likely undercompensated for in the first place. You're likely working in an industry that the capitalist system doesn't value as much as it should. Just because the one-percenters are getting paid massive amounts for what they do, it doesn't mean they're any smarter or any better than you are, or that they're of a "higher class" (i.e. have more intrinsic worth as a human being than you do). They're just lucky that their talents and opportunities led them into a realm that is valued by the monetary and economic system.
While I would personally love to tip more, as it's in my nature to do so, I really can't afford to take an out-of-pocket loss during business trips. While a few bucks here or there in tip money may seem like relatively nothing, by the time you factor in foreign exchange and the sheer number of business trips some companies expect their employees to take (and other factors) it can add up to a pretty large number at the end of the quarter (or the year). Travelling on business typically inflicts a monetary cost on the person doing the travelling in all sorts of little ways, as I'm sure you've discovered--for example, I bet your travel-related dry-cleaning bill is significantly higher than your typical laundry costs, and that's not a cost you can (typically) claim back from your employer.
I realize I may sound cynical and cheap, but living this split way of life is a reality for some people, and while being generous and altruistic is a noble goal, it is one that is often in conflict with the economic realities people find themselves in. My best advice to you, dede, is try not to let your anxiety get the best of you. Understand that you've been put into a very difficult situation, and if you don't behave "perfectly" (according to whatever etiquette guide or unwritten societal code you suspect is governing the situation) know that you're not at fault.
Also, keep in mind that you've been brought into this complicated business situation situation because of your professional skills and talents. They have value. If they didn't, rich businesses and executives wouldn't be wasting money to have you there. That means you belong. You have an equal right to be there as anybody else. Don't let people's wallets or bank accounts intimidate you. The odds are good that they can't do what you do, so they aren't any better than you. Hold your head up high, pull up every professional instinct you have, do your job, but don't stop yourself from having a good time, or taking a few minutes to appreciate the luxury you've been exposed to or the beauty of the location, or whatever fabulous experience these events can provide you. You're just as worthy of those experiences as all the Richie Riches in the room.
posted by sardonyx at 9:31 AM on April 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
Just putting in a word/encouragement for people to tip housekeeping daily--you may not have the same housekeeper working for your entire visit.
posted by TwoStride at 11:00 AM on April 20, 2022 [11 favorites]
posted by TwoStride at 11:00 AM on April 20, 2022 [11 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by bluedaisy at 7:58 PM on April 19, 2022 [8 favorites]