Birthday brush-off, also half-connected family
April 16, 2022 10:27 AM Subscribe
My sister is keeping the family on standby for her birthday. Just roll with it, or what? Also, the family isn’t very engaged with each other.
My family (father, sister and I) have lived in the same city for about the past 10 years. During that time, we have always celebrated birthdays together.
My sister’s birthday is in a couple of weeks. More than a week ago, I asked her what she’d like to do for her birthday. She said she planned to go out of state that weekend, but on the Friday after I had asked, she would get her work schedule for the week before her birthday.
Yesterday, she wrote and said that she would be out town of the first two weekends of May but would keep us posted on her schedule.
None of these trips are work related. She does often work weekends and evenings. She also mentioned in passing that she plans to go away for the summer.
I didn’t respond when she told me about the first trip; I guess I thought she would fill us in soon and we’d go from there.
I resent that she is keeping us on standby. But I don’t want to address that directly. Maybe that’s not fully mature, but I don’t think it would be productive. I don’t know how to describe my family. We are very “surface” with each other.
Possibly more context:
We are both in our late 50s. I am a woman also. I am also the only one married, with a wife. I am slightly older. For much of our lives, my sister’s income has been more than mine.
My sister is financially generous. She goes all out for Christmas. She took my dad and I on a major trip (well before I was married). She has taken my dad on other trips. She has sometimes invited my wife and I to join them, but that wasn't in our budget at the time.
Since my mom died about 15 years ago, and moreso since the three of us remaining moved to the same city, I feel like we have become somewhat disconnected.
They never keep in touch for sake of keeping in touch. I mainly hear from them when some event is planned, which is a few times a year, mainly for birthdays and holidays.
My dad has initiated a non-holiday get-together twice, I think. (But he is of an age when women were the social secretaries and coordinators.)
My sister has done so a few times more, but never with just me. Since we moved to the same city, she has never initiated any get-together with just me (and not my dad).
I think my dad and my sister are in better touch, spend more time together. But I am not sure how much of that is how much of that is him helping her do stuff around the house or watch her dog, that kind of thing. If she has become the favorite, I wasn't aware of it until we all moved to the same city.
When any of us do get together, we have a pleasant time. There is no hostility or antagonism.
I am not a perfect family member. But I do some initiating, just keeping in touch or some get-togethers.
Questions:
1. I am debating about whether and how to reply to my sister.
2. I am debating about becoming busy the other weekends in May. Maybe that is petty and passive aggressive, but we also teach people how to treat us.
3. I’m not sure … how to accept that initiation with the family is generally going to be on me? How to feel more connected to them? How to make up for not feeling connected?
My family (father, sister and I) have lived in the same city for about the past 10 years. During that time, we have always celebrated birthdays together.
My sister’s birthday is in a couple of weeks. More than a week ago, I asked her what she’d like to do for her birthday. She said she planned to go out of state that weekend, but on the Friday after I had asked, she would get her work schedule for the week before her birthday.
Yesterday, she wrote and said that she would be out town of the first two weekends of May but would keep us posted on her schedule.
None of these trips are work related. She does often work weekends and evenings. She also mentioned in passing that she plans to go away for the summer.
I didn’t respond when she told me about the first trip; I guess I thought she would fill us in soon and we’d go from there.
I resent that she is keeping us on standby. But I don’t want to address that directly. Maybe that’s not fully mature, but I don’t think it would be productive. I don’t know how to describe my family. We are very “surface” with each other.
Possibly more context:
We are both in our late 50s. I am a woman also. I am also the only one married, with a wife. I am slightly older. For much of our lives, my sister’s income has been more than mine.
My sister is financially generous. She goes all out for Christmas. She took my dad and I on a major trip (well before I was married). She has taken my dad on other trips. She has sometimes invited my wife and I to join them, but that wasn't in our budget at the time.
Since my mom died about 15 years ago, and moreso since the three of us remaining moved to the same city, I feel like we have become somewhat disconnected.
They never keep in touch for sake of keeping in touch. I mainly hear from them when some event is planned, which is a few times a year, mainly for birthdays and holidays.
My dad has initiated a non-holiday get-together twice, I think. (But he is of an age when women were the social secretaries and coordinators.)
My sister has done so a few times more, but never with just me. Since we moved to the same city, she has never initiated any get-together with just me (and not my dad).
I think my dad and my sister are in better touch, spend more time together. But I am not sure how much of that is how much of that is him helping her do stuff around the house or watch her dog, that kind of thing. If she has become the favorite, I wasn't aware of it until we all moved to the same city.
When any of us do get together, we have a pleasant time. There is no hostility or antagonism.
I am not a perfect family member. But I do some initiating, just keeping in touch or some get-togethers.
Questions:
1. I am debating about whether and how to reply to my sister.
2. I am debating about becoming busy the other weekends in May. Maybe that is petty and passive aggressive, but we also teach people how to treat us.
3. I’m not sure … how to accept that initiation with the family is generally going to be on me? How to feel more connected to them? How to make up for not feeling connected?
Would you like to be closer, more engaged? Talk to your dad, find a few dates that work for both of you, then propose to your sister that the 3 of you celebrate with dinner, either at someone's home, takeout, or a restaurant. Get a small cake and candles.
posted by theora55 at 10:42 AM on April 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 10:42 AM on April 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
I resent that she is keeping us on standby. But I don’t want to address that directly. Maybe that’s not fully mature, but I don’t think it would be productive. I don’t know how to describe my family. We are very “surface” with each other.
My take, without knowing more about your family dynamic than you've written is that your sister has plans and maybe doesn't feel like having her whole birthday becoming a thing, is that possible?
That is, I understand you feel that she is putting you on standby and my read is that she is not. She is telling you when she will be gone and she is just not making any overt birthday plans, and neither are you. So my read on your questions...
1. I'd be direct "I'd love to see you on or near your birthday, let's plan a time" and see if you get the same perceived brush-off
2. That's definitely passive aggressive. I don't think we teach people how to treat us by behaving in a way that we know is negative.
3. As a person who has been an unmarried older woman in a family, my particular lens is that a lot can fall on that person especially if there are older family members in the mix. Maybe finding ways for more incidental communication (social media can be great for this but also a text chat group or Signal or a way to have more regular but lighter contact) or a regular interaction that isn't also a holiday. Seems like you've been doing some of that, maybe trying to make it more regular. Also you seem to have some resentment that it might be worth interrogating. I don't know why you would jump to "My sister is now the favorite" given what you describe. Does your family play a lot of mind games like this?
If you want to see her, say you want to see her. I presume your dad is retired and has the most flexible schedule? Maybe work something out with your sister or, if she's still not willing to find some dates, maybe making your peace that birthday tradition may be wrapping up for now?
posted by jessamyn at 10:47 AM on April 16, 2022 [5 favorites]
My take, without knowing more about your family dynamic than you've written is that your sister has plans and maybe doesn't feel like having her whole birthday becoming a thing, is that possible?
That is, I understand you feel that she is putting you on standby and my read is that she is not. She is telling you when she will be gone and she is just not making any overt birthday plans, and neither are you. So my read on your questions...
1. I'd be direct "I'd love to see you on or near your birthday, let's plan a time" and see if you get the same perceived brush-off
2. That's definitely passive aggressive. I don't think we teach people how to treat us by behaving in a way that we know is negative.
3. As a person who has been an unmarried older woman in a family, my particular lens is that a lot can fall on that person especially if there are older family members in the mix. Maybe finding ways for more incidental communication (social media can be great for this but also a text chat group or Signal or a way to have more regular but lighter contact) or a regular interaction that isn't also a holiday. Seems like you've been doing some of that, maybe trying to make it more regular. Also you seem to have some resentment that it might be worth interrogating. I don't know why you would jump to "My sister is now the favorite" given what you describe. Does your family play a lot of mind games like this?
If you want to see her, say you want to see her. I presume your dad is retired and has the most flexible schedule? Maybe work something out with your sister or, if she's still not willing to find some dates, maybe making your peace that birthday tradition may be wrapping up for now?
posted by jessamyn at 10:47 AM on April 16, 2022 [5 favorites]
I'd say to invite but don't insist. "My wife and I would love to treat you to lunch sometime to mark the occasion. Let us know?" Lunch, nothing over the top, small wrapped gift. Super casual.
If she takes you up on it, great. If she doesn't, then you've kept the door open.
posted by mochapickle at 10:48 AM on April 16, 2022 [5 favorites]
If she takes you up on it, great. If she doesn't, then you've kept the door open.
posted by mochapickle at 10:48 AM on April 16, 2022 [5 favorites]
I feel like it’s pretty clear your expectation—that you always do something for her birthday and it’s on her to facilitate it and you have to keep your schedule clear—is not aligned with reality.
I think this is probably because you wish your family were closer.
Though these issues are linked, don’t make your sister’s birthday the lynchpin of your family dynamic.
She hasn’t asked you to keep your schedule clear and she doesn’t sound like she especially wants to do anything in particular. So just live your life—but not to teach her a lesson. That’s a dick move.
posted by kapers at 10:51 AM on April 16, 2022 [15 favorites]
I think this is probably because you wish your family were closer.
Though these issues are linked, don’t make your sister’s birthday the lynchpin of your family dynamic.
She hasn’t asked you to keep your schedule clear and she doesn’t sound like she especially wants to do anything in particular. So just live your life—but not to teach her a lesson. That’s a dick move.
posted by kapers at 10:51 AM on April 16, 2022 [15 favorites]
It sounds like your sister and your dad are both single people. Of course they might see each other a little more. That makes sense, right? You say you do some initiating. Have you ever told your sister you'd love to meet up for lunch just to catch up? Or you think she should do it because she does it with your dad? Have you ever asked your dad to have lunch just the two of you?
Have you shown much interest in your sister's life? Maybe you have! Maybe she finds her single life difficult, and making time for family can be exhausting. (Or maybe not, I don't know her either!)
posted by Glinn at 12:03 PM on April 16, 2022 [6 favorites]
Have you shown much interest in your sister's life? Maybe you have! Maybe she finds her single life difficult, and making time for family can be exhausting. (Or maybe not, I don't know her either!)
posted by Glinn at 12:03 PM on April 16, 2022 [6 favorites]
Your primary complaint is that you feel unfairly burdened with arranging visits, etc. But the situation with your sister’s bday doesn’t read like that, it sounds like normal logistical discussion. Why does it matter that she is going away but “it’s not for work”? She’s allowed to have a life. Why is her going away for the summer relevant to anything? She doesn’t seem strikingly rude.
If you want to see your dad and your sister, continue to make the effort. If it is too much trouble, then step back and don’t. Engaging in a petty boycott isn’t going to change anything.
There seems to be a dynamic at play beyond “my sister is a flake about making plans.” Are you sad that she is closer to your dad then you are? Acknowledge this. Mourn it, reclaim it, cultivate it, whatever, but don't blame your sister.
I do think your concept of what a relationship “should be” (such as focusing on the frequency of everyone’s visits with each other) is making it hard for you just to accept things and enjoy what you have.
posted by rhonzo at 12:08 PM on April 16, 2022 [5 favorites]
If you want to see your dad and your sister, continue to make the effort. If it is too much trouble, then step back and don’t. Engaging in a petty boycott isn’t going to change anything.
There seems to be a dynamic at play beyond “my sister is a flake about making plans.” Are you sad that she is closer to your dad then you are? Acknowledge this. Mourn it, reclaim it, cultivate it, whatever, but don't blame your sister.
I do think your concept of what a relationship “should be” (such as focusing on the frequency of everyone’s visits with each other) is making it hard for you just to accept things and enjoy what you have.
posted by rhonzo at 12:08 PM on April 16, 2022 [5 favorites]
Like some others, I'm confused why you believe your sister is asking you to be on "standby" for her birthday--unless she directly told you to keep your calendar entirely empty until her birthday plans are determined, it sounds like either the weekend travel plans are her only birthday plan, or she doesn't feel like doing anything this year, or she will at some point try to make some belated plans with you and your dad (but with no expectation you'll be free every day).
I also agree that the birthday bit seems to be red herring here - the issue is less the birthday, more than you wish you had more of a relationship with your father and sister. I have found I'm happier in relationships if I don't focus on who is initiating things more - if I always enjoy seeing someone, then it's worth making whatever effort is needed to make that happen, even if they don't reciprocate.
So, I'd forget about the birthday, and try and see when's the next evening you're all free to get dinner somewhere (or whatever you like to do together).
posted by coffeecat at 1:47 PM on April 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
I also agree that the birthday bit seems to be red herring here - the issue is less the birthday, more than you wish you had more of a relationship with your father and sister. I have found I'm happier in relationships if I don't focus on who is initiating things more - if I always enjoy seeing someone, then it's worth making whatever effort is needed to make that happen, even if they don't reciprocate.
So, I'd forget about the birthday, and try and see when's the next evening you're all free to get dinner somewhere (or whatever you like to do together).
posted by coffeecat at 1:47 PM on April 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
Best answer: It sounds to me as if you're perfectly clear to make any plans you want. She hasn't asked you to keep any specific dates free, it sounds like, this is something you've taken on yourself? So just don't do that. Make the plans you want to make. When and if your sister wants to do something for her birthday, she can let you know, and if you're already booked, you'll just have to do her birthday celebration on an alternate date.
It may very well be that your relatives are comfortable with the level of connection you have now and that's something you'll need to make your peace with. I can't tell you how to do that, as the disconnected one of my own family, but my best guess is therapy and leaning hard into building out your chosen family of people who actively want you in their lives.
But if you're wishing for more I think it would be worth making an attempt and seeing how it's received. Maybe ask about something low key that doesn't rely on a lot of planning from you, like a monthly lunch date with your sister the first Friday of the month or something.
posted by Stacey at 5:03 PM on April 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
It may very well be that your relatives are comfortable with the level of connection you have now and that's something you'll need to make your peace with. I can't tell you how to do that, as the disconnected one of my own family, but my best guess is therapy and leaning hard into building out your chosen family of people who actively want you in their lives.
But if you're wishing for more I think it would be worth making an attempt and seeing how it's received. Maybe ask about something low key that doesn't rely on a lot of planning from you, like a monthly lunch date with your sister the first Friday of the month or something.
posted by Stacey at 5:03 PM on April 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
If it were me, I’d drop her a message saying you’d like to catch up for her birthday, May is filling up fast and right now you’re available on x or x date. If you don’t hear back soon you’ll assume she has other plans or wants a low key birthday this year and you’ll catch up another time. There’s nothing stopping you from helping schedule it!
She did reach out and tell you about her trips in relation to your birthday and you said nothing at all, so in her shoes, I’d assume you weren’t keen on seeing her. If that’s not the case, let her know. Right now you’re coming off as a bit passive aggressive, I’m sure she has no idea you have all these feelings about her and her birthday!
posted by Jubey at 4:08 AM on April 17, 2022 [2 favorites]
She did reach out and tell you about her trips in relation to your birthday and you said nothing at all, so in her shoes, I’d assume you weren’t keen on seeing her. If that’s not the case, let her know. Right now you’re coming off as a bit passive aggressive, I’m sure she has no idea you have all these feelings about her and her birthday!
posted by Jubey at 4:08 AM on April 17, 2022 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I think the bottom line is that as humans we want different amounts of contact with our families of origin. There’s no right or wrong approach but often, like here, there are differences in the frequency desired. Keep being you and doing what feels best. I have two sisters and it’s a similar situation except I’m the single one. I feel your pain but also encourage you to simply accept her as she is. I have learned to not take it personally, respect them for who they are, and enjoy the limited time we have together.
posted by smorgasbord at 12:43 PM on April 17, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by smorgasbord at 12:43 PM on April 17, 2022 [2 favorites]
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I wouldn't assume this is malicious or anything just from this information. It's a tough time right now, especially when it comes to planning trips and so on that might be cancelled last minute.
If you need to know, I don't see the harm in just dropping her a quick message to say, "hi, I just wanted to check if you want to do something for your birthday? I need to know soon so I can make plans in May." And then go from there. This feels like a pretty normal family interaction to me.
If you want to get together more with the both of them, I also don't see the harm in saying so. Tell them you miss them and want to meet up for dinner or something. Life is short, there's nothing wrong with putting your needs or feelings out there with your dad and sister.
posted by fight or flight at 10:32 AM on April 16, 2022 [9 favorites]