I feel traumatized by my last job, how can I come to terms with it?
February 15, 2022 10:40 PM
I quit my job over a month ago and I haven't bothered to update my resume, apply for other jobs, brush up on my resume skills, etc. I feel a bit traumatized (this sound extreme) by the job I quit. It was a terrible fit. I have no idea how to "come back" from this and come to terms with the experience. I'm mortified that this even happened. Any advice? How do I go forward? If you quit a toxic job, how did you get over it?
I just want to preface this with the fact that I have a therapist who I've been seeing regularly. This isn't something I've talked in-depth with her about, because I only started thinking about this tonight.
Question: I'm just seeking advice on how to get over this? The horrible situation at that job was truly unnerving. I'm afraid to apply other jobs, what if they're WORSE? I feel a bit professionally paranoid, too, like... I have to re-evaluate my whole way of interacting with people on a professional level, too. (I wonder -- What did I do that made me such a target for mistreatment? Why was everyone so GLEEFUL in the way they treated me, too?). I don't get what I did that was SO BAD that made me deserve how I was treated from day one. I don't get it! If you quit a toxic job, how did you get over it?
I've basically spent the last month and a half doing... nothing? I have to admit, which has been nice. I've had time to enjoy some hobbies I neglected while I was in grad school/working. I feel more relaxed. I feel a "different person" since quitting.
I don't regret my decision to quit (therapist agrees that it was a good choice), but the experience was very unnerving. I can't blame myself for taking the position, because in another world under different circumstances, it could have been a great experience for me. Alas, I didn't know that the previous manager left the library in shambles. She did a Very Bad Thing™. Of course, after being burned by the previous manager, no one gave me an inch of trust (from all sides -- the board to staff). However, this made it difficult for me to do ANYTHING. I had so much resistance from everyone. I didn't even understand how they expected me to EARN their trust. It was like, I was supposed to start at the bottom and stay at the bottom?
No matter how much I read "advice for new managers" none of it worked! I think my own anxiety/stress/insecurity got the better of me at a few moments because it was so difficult to get shit on from all sides (board, staff, town). The staff was rude and undermining from day one. Why? I have no idea and I still can't wrap my head around it. Why would you want to be so difficult at work and make every day a struggle? I don't get it. I had no experience dealing with people like this, I was stupid and naïve. Don't even get me started on the board members and having to mediate their squabbles. They seemed to set me up for failure constantly. There was practically zero support. Requesting that I hire people, for example, but not giving me a copy of the budget? I was able to get a few things done and I'm proud of myself for being able to make a handful of positive changes, but overall it was a nightmare. The way everything blew up with the staff the day before I quit was just out of a horror movie. Everything I said and did was... just... twisted. It was awful I've never experienced that before in a professional environment. Then I quit on the spot because one of the employees wanted to do something that was so... I can't even discuss the details... but fucked up, extreme, unprofessional, uncalled for, just horrible. I haven't heard from any of the board members since I quit, either, which according to my therapist and someone else I know in the field is a sign of just how shitty they were. I'm not sure I agree, but it gave me something to think about.
Anyway, I just don't know how to really process what happened. I don't think the job was a good fit at all, obviously. It was too much, too soon, I just do not have the level of professional skills yet to be able to do THAT specific management job. Someone I know in the field, who I relied upon for a lot of advice, was so unsympathetic with me about this decision, he kept insisting that I was feeling "imposter syndrome." No, I'm pretty sure I accurately assessing my ability and skills. I just couldn't handle it! Of course, the same person I know made me feel like shit for quitting because it was the "easy" thing to do. Yeah, well, I didn't want to be treated like shit 5 days a week. Sue me! I haven't talked to them since I quit, either, and I'm sure I burned a bridge with that person (who was a reference).
In a weird twist of fate, my resume won't have a "gap" because I was able to return as a "substitute" at my previous workplace. I haven't actually worked a day since quitting, but I'm on their books and I can put that back on my resume. I'm afraid to apply for jobs, because how do I address what happened? How do I explain why I quit, "it wasn't a good fit" seems like a squirrely answer. I just feel so apathetic about my future in this field. I don't know what else to do and I certainly do not want to go back to school. I'm ashamed that this entire situation happened.
I just want to preface this with the fact that I have a therapist who I've been seeing regularly. This isn't something I've talked in-depth with her about, because I only started thinking about this tonight.
Question: I'm just seeking advice on how to get over this? The horrible situation at that job was truly unnerving. I'm afraid to apply other jobs, what if they're WORSE? I feel a bit professionally paranoid, too, like... I have to re-evaluate my whole way of interacting with people on a professional level, too. (I wonder -- What did I do that made me such a target for mistreatment? Why was everyone so GLEEFUL in the way they treated me, too?). I don't get what I did that was SO BAD that made me deserve how I was treated from day one. I don't get it! If you quit a toxic job, how did you get over it?
I've basically spent the last month and a half doing... nothing? I have to admit, which has been nice. I've had time to enjoy some hobbies I neglected while I was in grad school/working. I feel more relaxed. I feel a "different person" since quitting.
I don't regret my decision to quit (therapist agrees that it was a good choice), but the experience was very unnerving. I can't blame myself for taking the position, because in another world under different circumstances, it could have been a great experience for me. Alas, I didn't know that the previous manager left the library in shambles. She did a Very Bad Thing™. Of course, after being burned by the previous manager, no one gave me an inch of trust (from all sides -- the board to staff). However, this made it difficult for me to do ANYTHING. I had so much resistance from everyone. I didn't even understand how they expected me to EARN their trust. It was like, I was supposed to start at the bottom and stay at the bottom?
No matter how much I read "advice for new managers" none of it worked! I think my own anxiety/stress/insecurity got the better of me at a few moments because it was so difficult to get shit on from all sides (board, staff, town). The staff was rude and undermining from day one. Why? I have no idea and I still can't wrap my head around it. Why would you want to be so difficult at work and make every day a struggle? I don't get it. I had no experience dealing with people like this, I was stupid and naïve. Don't even get me started on the board members and having to mediate their squabbles. They seemed to set me up for failure constantly. There was practically zero support. Requesting that I hire people, for example, but not giving me a copy of the budget? I was able to get a few things done and I'm proud of myself for being able to make a handful of positive changes, but overall it was a nightmare. The way everything blew up with the staff the day before I quit was just out of a horror movie. Everything I said and did was... just... twisted. It was awful I've never experienced that before in a professional environment. Then I quit on the spot because one of the employees wanted to do something that was so... I can't even discuss the details... but fucked up, extreme, unprofessional, uncalled for, just horrible. I haven't heard from any of the board members since I quit, either, which according to my therapist and someone else I know in the field is a sign of just how shitty they were. I'm not sure I agree, but it gave me something to think about.
Anyway, I just don't know how to really process what happened. I don't think the job was a good fit at all, obviously. It was too much, too soon, I just do not have the level of professional skills yet to be able to do THAT specific management job. Someone I know in the field, who I relied upon for a lot of advice, was so unsympathetic with me about this decision, he kept insisting that I was feeling "imposter syndrome." No, I'm pretty sure I accurately assessing my ability and skills. I just couldn't handle it! Of course, the same person I know made me feel like shit for quitting because it was the "easy" thing to do. Yeah, well, I didn't want to be treated like shit 5 days a week. Sue me! I haven't talked to them since I quit, either, and I'm sure I burned a bridge with that person (who was a reference).
In a weird twist of fate, my resume won't have a "gap" because I was able to return as a "substitute" at my previous workplace. I haven't actually worked a day since quitting, but I'm on their books and I can put that back on my resume. I'm afraid to apply for jobs, because how do I address what happened? How do I explain why I quit, "it wasn't a good fit" seems like a squirrely answer. I just feel so apathetic about my future in this field. I don't know what else to do and I certainly do not want to go back to school. I'm ashamed that this entire situation happened.
I had this. It was awful. It was not me, and it probably wasn't you. All it takes is a new manager trying to get the job done without enough support and without the right skills (which are of course learned through time and experience). 1 or 2 bad apples, a few gripes with the job or the company, a bit of jealousy of your wages and position to poison the well. Doesn't take much to tip into hunting season on you. I didn't have enough carrots or enough sticks to get anything done ever. You are not alone. I would never be a junior manager again. It was the worst.
I later came to realise that those people were just absolutely terrible people. You know that saying that goes.. if everyone's an ahole, you're the ahole? Sometimes true but not always true.
For me: 3 years (during which i was working which helped me to move on and build new networks!), therapy, friends and family, realising that some people really will try and ruin a person just for shets and gigs - even if that person really doesn't deserve it, defining myself outside of work and regaining my own personality, a total career change into my absolutely perfect dream business that I cannot believe I get to do (I think this is a karmic reward for the terrible years so I hope you get yours too)
Good luck you aren't alone!
posted by eastboundanddown at 5:45 AM on February 16, 2022
I later came to realise that those people were just absolutely terrible people. You know that saying that goes.. if everyone's an ahole, you're the ahole? Sometimes true but not always true.
For me: 3 years (during which i was working which helped me to move on and build new networks!), therapy, friends and family, realising that some people really will try and ruin a person just for shets and gigs - even if that person really doesn't deserve it, defining myself outside of work and regaining my own personality, a total career change into my absolutely perfect dream business that I cannot believe I get to do (I think this is a karmic reward for the terrible years so I hope you get yours too)
Good luck you aren't alone!
posted by eastboundanddown at 5:45 AM on February 16, 2022
It took me 8 months before I was emotionally ready to work again after leaving a truly horrible place. Importantly, and thankfully, I could afford to do this. Around the 6 month mark I eased back into things by temping, taking on extremely boring and intentionally temporary, part time work. After a while of darting in and out of different employers who didn't throw anything at me or say anything horrible, I felt ready to go back, and told my temp agency to find a permanent placement for me. That's how I got the job I have now, at a place where I'm very happy and that has been very good to me.
I'm a huge fan of temping and temp to perm in situations like this because you get to try the employer on for a while before anything is set. Don't like them? Just leave! No harm no foul! It's great.
And even if a permanent job you get temping would be a big career step down, there's no harm in filling an "intentional" gap in full time employment with temp work. You can get used to working in healthier environments again before you're ready to commit yourself to applying elsewhere. No one has to know why. Maybe you've got a relative recovering from surgery and need the flexibility of part time work for a few months. No one needs to know.
posted by phunniemee at 5:51 AM on February 16, 2022
I'm a huge fan of temping and temp to perm in situations like this because you get to try the employer on for a while before anything is set. Don't like them? Just leave! No harm no foul! It's great.
And even if a permanent job you get temping would be a big career step down, there's no harm in filling an "intentional" gap in full time employment with temp work. You can get used to working in healthier environments again before you're ready to commit yourself to applying elsewhere. No one has to know why. Maybe you've got a relative recovering from surgery and need the flexibility of part time work for a few months. No one needs to know.
posted by phunniemee at 5:51 AM on February 16, 2022
Also! Having worked in recruitment and discussed careers with a lot of people, a stupidly high % of the people you would regard as smart, professional, successful, apparently untroubled people are crying in toilets and considering leaving their fields because of similar political situations in their workplaces.
posted by eastboundanddown at 5:51 AM on February 16, 2022
posted by eastboundanddown at 5:51 AM on February 16, 2022
I'm just seeking advice on how to get over this?
Time and reframing. You got a job that was toxic, you recognized it, and you got out! That's amazing. For me that is a story of your capabilities, not your weaknesses.
I'm afraid to apply other jobs, what if they're WORSE?
Then you'll leave them too, although honestly it doesn't sound like a situation that would repeat now that you know what you are looking for.
(I wonder -- What did I do that made me such a target for mistreatment? Why was everyone so GLEEFUL in the way they treated me, too?)
You didn't do anything. I can diagnose that from here, because...they never got to know you, didn't give you a helping hand or a chance. So it wasn't YOU they were being shitty to, they were just being dysfunctional in their dysfunctional ways and you were the latest opportunity. Now that you are not there, they will continue their ways. It wasn't about you.
I really don't think this was an issue of your skills and experience. A lack of experience just shows up differently, not by an atmosphere of hostility and no processes and no support.
I agree that one thing you could do for now (and forever if you want but I'm just emphasizing that it's really not about whether you can manage, it's about an environment that didn't want to be managed) is look for an individual contributor role. It is really restful after a bout of managing.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:01 AM on February 16, 2022
Time and reframing. You got a job that was toxic, you recognized it, and you got out! That's amazing. For me that is a story of your capabilities, not your weaknesses.
I'm afraid to apply other jobs, what if they're WORSE?
Then you'll leave them too, although honestly it doesn't sound like a situation that would repeat now that you know what you are looking for.
(I wonder -- What did I do that made me such a target for mistreatment? Why was everyone so GLEEFUL in the way they treated me, too?)
You didn't do anything. I can diagnose that from here, because...they never got to know you, didn't give you a helping hand or a chance. So it wasn't YOU they were being shitty to, they were just being dysfunctional in their dysfunctional ways and you were the latest opportunity. Now that you are not there, they will continue their ways. It wasn't about you.
I really don't think this was an issue of your skills and experience. A lack of experience just shows up differently, not by an atmosphere of hostility and no processes and no support.
I agree that one thing you could do for now (and forever if you want but I'm just emphasizing that it's really not about whether you can manage, it's about an environment that didn't want to be managed) is look for an individual contributor role. It is really restful after a bout of managing.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:01 AM on February 16, 2022
Definitely work on this with your therapist. Not just for your feelings but for building the toolkit to identify if you are seeing red flags or to encourage people to change how they relate to you. Sometimes "it's just them", but you need to be able to tell and know some questions you can ask to identify a better situation. You'll also need to work on telling a normal amount of conflict from an intractable amount, I suspect - know what to try so you don't automatically go back to this place in your mind.
posted by Lady Li at 6:11 AM on February 16, 2022
posted by Lady Li at 6:11 AM on February 16, 2022
Time and reframing. You got a job that was toxic, you recognized it, and you got out! That's amazing.
Quoted for truth.
The time can be extremely variable. I left one company due to disastrous group dynamics and it took me months to get past it. A different complete disaster of a company unexpectedly let me go one morning and I was upset about it for about 24 hours. God what a blessing to be out of there.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:48 AM on February 16, 2022
Quoted for truth.
The time can be extremely variable. I left one company due to disastrous group dynamics and it took me months to get past it. A different complete disaster of a company unexpectedly let me go one morning and I was upset about it for about 24 hours. God what a blessing to be out of there.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:48 AM on February 16, 2022
Sorry you are going through all this. I read this and your other questions pertaining to the situation... it sounds like a lot. Two suggestions for you:
First, toxic jobs like this are TOXIC and take a good while to get over. I have had a couple of very bad work experiences - an the spot firing and a real backstabbing sort of layoff I never saw coming. I remember both of those events pretty clearly. That kind of stuff is traumatic and hard to process, don't beat yourself up for that. But start to reframe what happened, and what happened is that you entered a totally screwed up shit show and got burned, and then smartly left. Very good self-preservation and a brave step many won't take.
Second, you may want to take a step back and really think through the fact that, as much as your trauma wants you to think it, this catastrophe is not the rest of your working life. When you apply to new jobs, those interviewing you will have no idea how shitty this job was, and they won't even care... they will have many other concerns and questions about your skill set and persona. They just will not care about your last job, and if they ask you about it, it will be to ask what tasks you did at that job that makes you good for the one you are interviewing for.
So take care of yourself. A few weeks or months of relaxing and reflecting seem totally legit right now. When you are ready to apply to new jobs, this catastrophe will be something in your past you learned from and the last thing your future interviewers will be concerned about.
posted by RajahKing at 8:33 AM on February 16, 2022
First, toxic jobs like this are TOXIC and take a good while to get over. I have had a couple of very bad work experiences - an the spot firing and a real backstabbing sort of layoff I never saw coming. I remember both of those events pretty clearly. That kind of stuff is traumatic and hard to process, don't beat yourself up for that. But start to reframe what happened, and what happened is that you entered a totally screwed up shit show and got burned, and then smartly left. Very good self-preservation and a brave step many won't take.
Second, you may want to take a step back and really think through the fact that, as much as your trauma wants you to think it, this catastrophe is not the rest of your working life. When you apply to new jobs, those interviewing you will have no idea how shitty this job was, and they won't even care... they will have many other concerns and questions about your skill set and persona. They just will not care about your last job, and if they ask you about it, it will be to ask what tasks you did at that job that makes you good for the one you are interviewing for.
So take care of yourself. A few weeks or months of relaxing and reflecting seem totally legit right now. When you are ready to apply to new jobs, this catastrophe will be something in your past you learned from and the last thing your future interviewers will be concerned about.
posted by RajahKing at 8:33 AM on February 16, 2022
I've had this experience and it's awful, it can make you question your entire career path and your confidence can get really shaken for a while. If you are like me, it will probably take you several months to emotionally recover. Just know that this more common than we would like to believe. Civility and respect have decreased in the past few decades since office work became common. With changing social mores, rapidly evolving technology and the after effects of the pandemic I do feel there is an érosion of social coopération happening.
Anyways, I learned a few things from my experience that might be helpful. First, because I was young and inexperienced, I did not know how to effectively communicate in an emotionally chargéd atmosphere without getting upset. I did not know how to detach myself emotionally from the situation. If that is what happened to you, it's okay, and it's not the end of the world. No one is going to judge you for this if you learn from the experience, because its natural to happen when you are younger.
Second, I learned that no one really cares what I do with my career, and that it matters a lot less than we may think to the people that matter in our lives. It was only myself that was imposing a strict perfectionist and achievement-oriented mentality on both my work and my identity, and clinging to that made it hard for me to reasonably assess whether a particular opportunity was actually good or bad for my life overall. The fact is, if you are left feeling this dejected and tormented after leaving that job, it was probably never going be a life- nourishing opportunity in the first place. If the environment is rotten, no amount of prestige makes it worth working there in the longrun, IMO.
Third, I realized that having work experience to put on my résume, (kudos on not having a gap) doesnt get overshadowed by my negative emotions towards a particular experience, unless I cling to those feelings of being wronged and develop a chip on the shoulder. When you apply for the next job, all they see is your resume, not your entire life story. So only tell the parts of your story that show you're capable, intelligent and hard working. If you have the experience and project competence you will get hired again.
posted by winterportage at 9:14 AM on February 16, 2022
Anyways, I learned a few things from my experience that might be helpful. First, because I was young and inexperienced, I did not know how to effectively communicate in an emotionally chargéd atmosphere without getting upset. I did not know how to detach myself emotionally from the situation. If that is what happened to you, it's okay, and it's not the end of the world. No one is going to judge you for this if you learn from the experience, because its natural to happen when you are younger.
Second, I learned that no one really cares what I do with my career, and that it matters a lot less than we may think to the people that matter in our lives. It was only myself that was imposing a strict perfectionist and achievement-oriented mentality on both my work and my identity, and clinging to that made it hard for me to reasonably assess whether a particular opportunity was actually good or bad for my life overall. The fact is, if you are left feeling this dejected and tormented after leaving that job, it was probably never going be a life- nourishing opportunity in the first place. If the environment is rotten, no amount of prestige makes it worth working there in the longrun, IMO.
Third, I realized that having work experience to put on my résume, (kudos on not having a gap) doesnt get overshadowed by my negative emotions towards a particular experience, unless I cling to those feelings of being wronged and develop a chip on the shoulder. When you apply for the next job, all they see is your resume, not your entire life story. So only tell the parts of your story that show you're capable, intelligent and hard working. If you have the experience and project competence you will get hired again.
posted by winterportage at 9:14 AM on February 16, 2022
You are being way too hard on yourself. It seems like you were set up to fail from day one, and now you're beating yourself up about it - perhaps it gives you a sense of control about an uncontrollable situation? I've done this myself and I can tell you that it's not going to help you heal or teach you any valuable lessons. Toxic people and workplaces are something many of us encounter sooner or later. Some of us encounter them more often because of factors we can't control (class, race, etc.) and that is not our fault. The fault here lies squarely with the people who treated you poorly, not with you for not having supernatural abilities to manipulate malevolent workmates into treating you with decency and grace.
People can be really, really awful. Usually because of their own deep insecurities, a fucked up workplace structure that encourages competition, and/or emotional immaturity. It's a them problem, not a you problem. You got out of there so you're already one up on them.
posted by Stoof at 12:51 PM on February 16, 2022
People can be really, really awful. Usually because of their own deep insecurities, a fucked up workplace structure that encourages competition, and/or emotional immaturity. It's a them problem, not a you problem. You got out of there so you're already one up on them.
posted by Stoof at 12:51 PM on February 16, 2022
I'm afraid to apply other jobs, what if they're WORSE?
I feel this so hard. I had a very similar situation recently, quitting a job that was just so toxic, despite not many of the coworkers really being bad people, which actually confused things further. I wish I had quit sooner. But, like you, I felt extremely discouraged after that experience, and let it reflect upon me negatively, as if I somehow "couldn't hack it". I got it into my head that this is just how it was, and if I couldn't cope, then I'm the one with the problem.
I recently started a job that is just so night-and-day different than the previous one, I'm surprised every single moment and am actually a bit scared I'll reveal some latent reflex that I developed from the prior nightmare job. Everyone at my new job is an amazing communicator, excited to have me, and so welcoming and interested to hear from me. It's so far beyond refreshing...and very validating! In addition, it pays much better than the prior role, and checks a lot of other important boxes for me.
My advice would be to ignore people who are trying to put this on you, saying that you made a mistake for drawing a line here. I had people say the same, that I was damaging my career (wrong, the opposite was true; i was damaging my career by staying), et cetera. Also, I'd recommend 'casually job looking' right now. Maybe you're not ready to actually do 'job hunting' and send out applications just yet, but it's good to look at what's out there. Maybe you'll find something that's exciting and enticing and it'll show you that these good places to work at do exist and they're out there. And then, when you're ready, apply for jobs, reminding yourself that you're interviewing THEM, too, and if you get any vibes that they'd be like that nightmare job, you can be the one to say no to them! I know this isn't perfect advice (I had no clue that job would be bad from the interview process), but I guess remembering this helped me say 'no' to a few places I applied at afterwards. It also helped me speak about and focus on prior jobs that I DID love, and bring these positive experiences/traits up as details and questions during the interview process, to see how the interviewer responded, and get a feel if they valued those things too - which is how I found the job that I'm at now!
I think the important thing to do is to prove to yourself that there's great places out there that'd love to have you and this is how things should be, and that last position was merely a fluke. You weren't the problem. They were the problem. You escaped! Anybody who says otherwise doesn't understand this and is dead nuts wrong. Ignore them! Seek out positive examples of good work environments - I know interviewing is tough especially after a bad experience, so I think the advice to take some time and also some temp jobs is great, and when you do feel ready to interview, if you keep that in mind you'll put out those vibes and somebody/some place will resonate with that, and you'll know it's the right one!
posted by destructive cactus at 3:41 PM on February 16, 2022
I feel this so hard. I had a very similar situation recently, quitting a job that was just so toxic, despite not many of the coworkers really being bad people, which actually confused things further. I wish I had quit sooner. But, like you, I felt extremely discouraged after that experience, and let it reflect upon me negatively, as if I somehow "couldn't hack it". I got it into my head that this is just how it was, and if I couldn't cope, then I'm the one with the problem.
I recently started a job that is just so night-and-day different than the previous one, I'm surprised every single moment and am actually a bit scared I'll reveal some latent reflex that I developed from the prior nightmare job. Everyone at my new job is an amazing communicator, excited to have me, and so welcoming and interested to hear from me. It's so far beyond refreshing...and very validating! In addition, it pays much better than the prior role, and checks a lot of other important boxes for me.
My advice would be to ignore people who are trying to put this on you, saying that you made a mistake for drawing a line here. I had people say the same, that I was damaging my career (wrong, the opposite was true; i was damaging my career by staying), et cetera. Also, I'd recommend 'casually job looking' right now. Maybe you're not ready to actually do 'job hunting' and send out applications just yet, but it's good to look at what's out there. Maybe you'll find something that's exciting and enticing and it'll show you that these good places to work at do exist and they're out there. And then, when you're ready, apply for jobs, reminding yourself that you're interviewing THEM, too, and if you get any vibes that they'd be like that nightmare job, you can be the one to say no to them! I know this isn't perfect advice (I had no clue that job would be bad from the interview process), but I guess remembering this helped me say 'no' to a few places I applied at afterwards. It also helped me speak about and focus on prior jobs that I DID love, and bring these positive experiences/traits up as details and questions during the interview process, to see how the interviewer responded, and get a feel if they valued those things too - which is how I found the job that I'm at now!
I think the important thing to do is to prove to yourself that there's great places out there that'd love to have you and this is how things should be, and that last position was merely a fluke. You weren't the problem. They were the problem. You escaped! Anybody who says otherwise doesn't understand this and is dead nuts wrong. Ignore them! Seek out positive examples of good work environments - I know interviewing is tough especially after a bad experience, so I think the advice to take some time and also some temp jobs is great, and when you do feel ready to interview, if you keep that in mind you'll put out those vibes and somebody/some place will resonate with that, and you'll know it's the right one!
posted by destructive cactus at 3:41 PM on February 16, 2022
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*Avoiding people who tell me it wasn't really that bad I need to lean in and manage up etc.
*Finding camaraderie with people in my industry who have been through something similar, even better if it was in the same organisation. They were just as traumatised as me and I didn't feel crazy or judged. (One who went through a lot of awful treatment that made her doubt herself so much later told me that almost a year into her next job, which fortunately was much better, her manager told her that he'd noticed she finally seems less tense for the first time in a year and she realised she was finally easing out of not just feeling generalised apprehension and doubt at work)
*Sucking up a bit to future referees for less stress about future job application purposes (a bit harder for you maybe given number one overlapping)
*Once there was manager on my resume, I was surprised to get offers for other manager jobs that really weren't overly phased why I'd only stayed as a manager for less than a year. I just said it was a time of organisational change, talked about my achievements, said it was a good time to leave as the organisation continued to transition
*Taking months off as a break
*Didn't accept a manager job (I did get offered one, and leads for another, when I applied for other jobs), went back to not being a manager for a while and it was lovely and even dysfunctional organisations are so much less amplified when you don't have to be a filter of the dysfunction for other staff. If friends/colleagues asked why I wasn't being ambitious, I told them managing took over my life and I appreciate my spare time.
It sucks, it is a head fuck, take the time you need and I hope you are feeling better soon. I'm glad for you that you're out of that place.
One last thing that I didn't do myself but others have done is speaking to a therapist who mostly works in employee assistance programs and who has a "heard it all before, you won't believe the things people have told me about their work environments" attitude to really drill down into the specific damage of an awful job.
posted by hotcoroner at 3:29 AM on February 16, 2022