Preschooler separation anxiety
January 18, 2022 7:41 AM Subscribe
Our five year old daughter has, over the past month or so, been experiencing increasingly strong separation anxiety and we're not sure how best to help her. She's in general a very observant, very smart, somewhat shy and home-oriented (quiet out in the world, loud at home) child, but in the last few weeks is clearly deeply stressed out, which is manifesting as a very strong attachment to her mother and an aversion to doing much OTHER THAN hanging on her mother.
As far as we can tell, this all started up over the Christmas break, when she was home from preschool for two weeks and both her parents were also home / on vacation, but we didn't really start putting all the pieces together until she returned to preschool. Over the break, she started having a lot of worry about loss, which initially manifested as wanting us to take photos of any remaining bits of her meals after she finished them "because she would miss them." She also generally has been highly resistant to interacting with anything she got for Christmas (at all; I don't think she's touched anything since Christmas morning). Over the break, we just kind of rolled with it, but it's accelerated since.
Returning to preschool after the break was hard. There was, unfortunately, a lot of flux at the time of her return (her primary teacher announced she was leaving for family reasons, there have been other teachers and friends out due to... the whole world right now, etc), which I'm sure contributed to things. She's generally been very vocal about "hating school" since the break, with tearful dropoffs and, as far as we can tell, a lot of resistance to participation while at school. She does have a long day at school - we both work full time, and so she's basically there from 8-5, but that's been the case most of her life. She's always been a bit of a slow adjuster to new circumstances, and we expected a bit of that on the return to school, but it's been way stronger than we've really seen before.
Over the last week or two in particular, we've been seeing her increasingly seeming stressed and overwhelmed at home. She wants to be on or near mama at all times; if she's not, she just wants to wait for her. Ordinary parts of our routines that would be done with me (her dad) are now mournful waits for mama to be back, and she's very resistant to doing anything that might distract from those feelings. When she is with mama, she's basically fine; when she's not, all she can think about is that she's not. She's also bringing up death a lot, both as questions ("what is being dead like?", "when will I die?") and concerns. We also started seeing a lot of difficulty making decisions and aversion to activities she's historically enjoyed (often described as "I want to do this, but I also don't" => not really wanting to read books, play games, watch movies, do much of anything other than play with mama).
We've generally been trying to keep to our normal routines, and making lots of time for cuddles and playtime with mama, while also maintaining some boundaries ("mama will be available after your bath, she's doing some chores downstairs, so let's get this done so you can snuggle!"). The boundaries are clearly hard on her (she chose last night to just sit in her empty bathtub for a good half hour until mama came upstairs), but being clung to 24x7 is also hard on mama, and it's hard for me that our together times are now all about missing mama, not about US being together and doing anything.
We're working on getting her to see a play therapist, and otherwise trying to just be supportive and understanding (although this mode is exhausting for everyone; for her who is clearly stressed out, for mama as the only source of comfort, and for dad as the one who is NOT a sufficient source of comfort and is constantly reminded of that while trying to do his part). What else can we do to both give her space to feel her (clearly really big!) feelings while also helping her to not fixate on them and be able to do other things?
As far as we can tell, this all started up over the Christmas break, when she was home from preschool for two weeks and both her parents were also home / on vacation, but we didn't really start putting all the pieces together until she returned to preschool. Over the break, she started having a lot of worry about loss, which initially manifested as wanting us to take photos of any remaining bits of her meals after she finished them "because she would miss them." She also generally has been highly resistant to interacting with anything she got for Christmas (at all; I don't think she's touched anything since Christmas morning). Over the break, we just kind of rolled with it, but it's accelerated since.
Returning to preschool after the break was hard. There was, unfortunately, a lot of flux at the time of her return (her primary teacher announced she was leaving for family reasons, there have been other teachers and friends out due to... the whole world right now, etc), which I'm sure contributed to things. She's generally been very vocal about "hating school" since the break, with tearful dropoffs and, as far as we can tell, a lot of resistance to participation while at school. She does have a long day at school - we both work full time, and so she's basically there from 8-5, but that's been the case most of her life. She's always been a bit of a slow adjuster to new circumstances, and we expected a bit of that on the return to school, but it's been way stronger than we've really seen before.
Over the last week or two in particular, we've been seeing her increasingly seeming stressed and overwhelmed at home. She wants to be on or near mama at all times; if she's not, she just wants to wait for her. Ordinary parts of our routines that would be done with me (her dad) are now mournful waits for mama to be back, and she's very resistant to doing anything that might distract from those feelings. When she is with mama, she's basically fine; when she's not, all she can think about is that she's not. She's also bringing up death a lot, both as questions ("what is being dead like?", "when will I die?") and concerns. We also started seeing a lot of difficulty making decisions and aversion to activities she's historically enjoyed (often described as "I want to do this, but I also don't" => not really wanting to read books, play games, watch movies, do much of anything other than play with mama).
We've generally been trying to keep to our normal routines, and making lots of time for cuddles and playtime with mama, while also maintaining some boundaries ("mama will be available after your bath, she's doing some chores downstairs, so let's get this done so you can snuggle!"). The boundaries are clearly hard on her (she chose last night to just sit in her empty bathtub for a good half hour until mama came upstairs), but being clung to 24x7 is also hard on mama, and it's hard for me that our together times are now all about missing mama, not about US being together and doing anything.
We're working on getting her to see a play therapist, and otherwise trying to just be supportive and understanding (although this mode is exhausting for everyone; for her who is clearly stressed out, for mama as the only source of comfort, and for dad as the one who is NOT a sufficient source of comfort and is constantly reminded of that while trying to do his part). What else can we do to both give her space to feel her (clearly really big!) feelings while also helping her to not fixate on them and be able to do other things?
She sounds depressed. I don't think play therapy is going to address the fact that her current situation isn't working for her. Maybe until you get this figured out, dad could take as much off of moms plate as he can. The baby is sick and telling you what she needs.
posted by bleep at 8:27 AM on January 18, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by bleep at 8:27 AM on January 18, 2022 [4 favorites]
Best answer: This is a hard one because some of the first things I thought of that might help might also reinforce her anxiety. But here is one thing I did when my girls were young:
When they had trouble with dropoffs, I would sit quietly with them in an out-of-the-way place until they were ready to go in. Inevitably, they would want me to go into the schoolroom and play with them or have me stay there while they went and played with friends. But I explained to them that if I was going to stay, it would only be while they sat with me on the bench and we wouldn't do anything but maybe observe the other kids and talk to each other. Eventually, they would get really bored of this and hop down to play with the other kids. And the time would shorten each day until I could just do a quick dropoff.
As for the anxiety, we have a gratitude practice that can help with that. So when my younger daughter is feeling anxious about, say, a thunderstorm, we think of 3 things we are thankful for. Something like this:
- I'm grateful to have a safe house to be in when it rains
- I'm thankful that we have good weather reports to tell us what's up
- I'm thankful that I have my stuffed bunny to hug when I hear the thunder
This just helps redirect her mind to look at the good things that we have and not go into the endless rumination of something she can't control.
I'm glad you're reaching out for help. And I know that it's hard to be the parent that is being rejected but this will pass and she'll be asking for daddy again soon. Hang in there!
posted by dawkins_7 at 8:56 AM on January 18, 2022 [13 favorites]
When they had trouble with dropoffs, I would sit quietly with them in an out-of-the-way place until they were ready to go in. Inevitably, they would want me to go into the schoolroom and play with them or have me stay there while they went and played with friends. But I explained to them that if I was going to stay, it would only be while they sat with me on the bench and we wouldn't do anything but maybe observe the other kids and talk to each other. Eventually, they would get really bored of this and hop down to play with the other kids. And the time would shorten each day until I could just do a quick dropoff.
As for the anxiety, we have a gratitude practice that can help with that. So when my younger daughter is feeling anxious about, say, a thunderstorm, we think of 3 things we are thankful for. Something like this:
- I'm grateful to have a safe house to be in when it rains
- I'm thankful that we have good weather reports to tell us what's up
- I'm thankful that I have my stuffed bunny to hug when I hear the thunder
This just helps redirect her mind to look at the good things that we have and not go into the endless rumination of something she can't control.
I'm glad you're reaching out for help. And I know that it's hard to be the parent that is being rejected but this will pass and she'll be asking for daddy again soon. Hang in there!
posted by dawkins_7 at 8:56 AM on January 18, 2022 [13 favorites]
Was anyone else around over the holidays? The food on the plate thing is strange, did some well-intentioned relative or family friend say something to her about leaving food on her plate? And did she overhear adult conversation about a mother's death? Or schools getting closed down because of rampaging omicron?
These are scary times and young children who don't remember the before times and who don't really understand what's going on are often confused. I've seen this in my two youngest grandchildren who are 6 and 3.
Don't worry too much about her preferring her mom right now, kids go through all kinds of phases.
posted by mareli at 9:11 AM on January 18, 2022
These are scary times and young children who don't remember the before times and who don't really understand what's going on are often confused. I've seen this in my two youngest grandchildren who are 6 and 3.
Don't worry too much about her preferring her mom right now, kids go through all kinds of phases.
posted by mareli at 9:11 AM on January 18, 2022
Reading your question it sounds like something happened that hasn’t been really addressed. Did she see a movie or television show that scared her? Overhear something said on a phone call? Did a school friend transfer away? Is there any bullying happening?
I had/have an anxious child and it’s hard because anxiety is irrational. Something that would be totally fine for my other 2 kids is not fine for the third.
You sound like you are being supportive and doing the right things. Some phases are harder than others. I don’t have any magic advice.
posted by MadMadam at 9:12 AM on January 18, 2022 [3 favorites]
I had/have an anxious child and it’s hard because anxiety is irrational. Something that would be totally fine for my other 2 kids is not fine for the third.
You sound like you are being supportive and doing the right things. Some phases are harder than others. I don’t have any magic advice.
posted by MadMadam at 9:12 AM on January 18, 2022 [3 favorites]
My guess is that something happened at your daughter's preschool before the break, and it took her a number of days to start processing it, resulting in the signs showing up during break rather than at the time. Was the mother of one of her classmates hospitalized while the classmate was at preschool? Is her primary teacher leaving because primary teacher's mother is dying? It's a very easy cognitive step from hearing about something happening to someone else's mother to thinking about the possibility of it happening to one's own mother, but also extremely difficult to talk about, partly because "saying it might make it true" but also partly because she might be afraid of how people will react to her having such a dark and "grown-up" thought.
posted by heatherlogan at 9:24 AM on January 18, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by heatherlogan at 9:24 AM on January 18, 2022 [5 favorites]
Best answer: one of my kids struggles with anxiety and I had to learn what folks are saying upthread: you can't reason with it, it will take the time it takes, and things can get better. My spouse (who has the patience of Job and the wisdom of Solomon) spent hours sitting with kid at the beginning of school. Day one, we got in around lunch, day two was closer to 10 than 12, and within a week or two we were dropping off like normal.
The fact that she's telling you what she needs is a gift, and building up her toolkit of Skills for Dealing with Anxiety this young will pay dividends the rest of her life.
The refrain of the song of those most intense days was "they're not giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time." My monkey-brain wanted to read "panicking about going to school" as "willful defiance," but cooler heads reminded me that is not what was happening.
Hang in there, it is hard, but it will pass. I have come to think about some of these times like toilet training. "Yep, it might be another month of buying pull-ups, but it won't last forever."
on preview "saying it might make it true" is very understandable magical thinking at that age; it's hard for adults to name these things sometimes.
posted by adekllny at 9:29 AM on January 18, 2022 [8 favorites]
The fact that she's telling you what she needs is a gift, and building up her toolkit of Skills for Dealing with Anxiety this young will pay dividends the rest of her life.
The refrain of the song of those most intense days was "they're not giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time." My monkey-brain wanted to read "panicking about going to school" as "willful defiance," but cooler heads reminded me that is not what was happening.
Hang in there, it is hard, but it will pass. I have come to think about some of these times like toilet training. "Yep, it might be another month of buying pull-ups, but it won't last forever."
on preview "saying it might make it true" is very understandable magical thinking at that age; it's hard for adults to name these things sometimes.
posted by adekllny at 9:29 AM on January 18, 2022 [8 favorites]
Best answer: My oldest is nearly 7 and has gone through several periods of school refusal, sometimes pretty extreme like you describe (miserable at drop off, teachers reporting he's sad and mopey during the school day, loudly declaring he hates school, dread on Sunday evenings, etc.) It peaked at age 4.75 and has greatly improved since then, but still flares up occasionally so it is still not fully in the rear view for us yet. As best I can tell, it seems to be triggered by a few things:
-His brain working on a big developmental leap and it's causing him to be unsteady and emotional. His worst school refusal period at age 4.75 resolved suddenly after eight weeks and with that he was also able to do a lot more stuff like representational drawing, articulating feelings, writing letters, almost overnight it seemed.
-Upheaval in some other area of his life, like moving houses or coming back to school after a break. His grandparents went on a 6 week trip to the UK and he suddenly started flipping out whenever I or his dad left the house, it turns out he was worried Nana and Papa would never come back. In your case I would guess the primary teacher leaving is probably a factor, or I wonder if she overheard about someone's mom being sick with COVID.
In our case he's got some anxieties about other things too, so we are working on getting him an intake appointment with a pediatric therapist. In the meantime, here's some other things we've done:
-For preschool drop off, sometimes a picture of Mom & Dad, or Mom's shirt that smells like her, or a little wristwatch can help ("when the big hand is on the 12 and the little is on the 5, that's when we'll come and get you"). Other times I was able to leave without him melting down by giving him a tiny cup of jellybeans or M&Ms and it helped smooth the transition just enough so that he wasn't crying and was able to move from his treat to starting his school day.
-Reassuring him about how fun school is/how much he likes school/hey you get to do the water table today and you like that, remember??, did not help and made him dig in his heels. I had some success just calmly agreeing with what he was saying "You don't like school right now. You don't want to go" and letting him know he can feel how he feels. "It's okay to feel nervous about school." "It's okay to miss Mom. Grown-ups come back."
-"What to Do When You Worry Too Much" is a workbook aimed at slightly older kids but a younger kid can do it with guidance and it does have some great tips and tricks for parents to use. We have implemented the idea of "Worry Time," a daily 15 minute period when we talk about anything that is worrying him. If he brings up worries outside of that, we say "I'll make a note, let's talk about that at Worry Time." It helps cut down on the obsessing and constant reassurance-seeking, and helps him feel safer because his anxieties now have a boundary so they don't overwhelm. It's not time to worry about that right now, it will be time later. We are also teaching him box breathing and a few other self-calming techniques that he can use anytime, anywhere, to help him regulate his feelings.
posted by castlebravo at 9:40 AM on January 18, 2022 [13 favorites]
-His brain working on a big developmental leap and it's causing him to be unsteady and emotional. His worst school refusal period at age 4.75 resolved suddenly after eight weeks and with that he was also able to do a lot more stuff like representational drawing, articulating feelings, writing letters, almost overnight it seemed.
-Upheaval in some other area of his life, like moving houses or coming back to school after a break. His grandparents went on a 6 week trip to the UK and he suddenly started flipping out whenever I or his dad left the house, it turns out he was worried Nana and Papa would never come back. In your case I would guess the primary teacher leaving is probably a factor, or I wonder if she overheard about someone's mom being sick with COVID.
In our case he's got some anxieties about other things too, so we are working on getting him an intake appointment with a pediatric therapist. In the meantime, here's some other things we've done:
-For preschool drop off, sometimes a picture of Mom & Dad, or Mom's shirt that smells like her, or a little wristwatch can help ("when the big hand is on the 12 and the little is on the 5, that's when we'll come and get you"). Other times I was able to leave without him melting down by giving him a tiny cup of jellybeans or M&Ms and it helped smooth the transition just enough so that he wasn't crying and was able to move from his treat to starting his school day.
-Reassuring him about how fun school is/how much he likes school/hey you get to do the water table today and you like that, remember??, did not help and made him dig in his heels. I had some success just calmly agreeing with what he was saying "You don't like school right now. You don't want to go" and letting him know he can feel how he feels. "It's okay to feel nervous about school." "It's okay to miss Mom. Grown-ups come back."
-"What to Do When You Worry Too Much" is a workbook aimed at slightly older kids but a younger kid can do it with guidance and it does have some great tips and tricks for parents to use. We have implemented the idea of "Worry Time," a daily 15 minute period when we talk about anything that is worrying him. If he brings up worries outside of that, we say "I'll make a note, let's talk about that at Worry Time." It helps cut down on the obsessing and constant reassurance-seeking, and helps him feel safer because his anxieties now have a boundary so they don't overwhelm. It's not time to worry about that right now, it will be time later. We are also teaching him box breathing and a few other self-calming techniques that he can use anytime, anywhere, to help him regulate his feelings.
posted by castlebravo at 9:40 AM on January 18, 2022 [13 favorites]
I don't think you can do much that you haven't been doing already. Just remember - and I know you know this, but it bears lots of repeating - this is not her rejecting you. It's a developmental phase over which she has no control. Don't let her see you being hurt by this; that can cause much worse dynamics of guilt and fear of abandonment.
As far as school... I remember being about her age and having a day when I just did not want to be at kinder. I couldn't tell you why exactly. Nobody was mean or anything and nothing tragic had happened. I just couldn't handle it. My mom forced me to go, and forced me out of the car, and somehow I slipped through the cracks enough that nobody saw me leave the campus and go sit out on the curb and wait for the day to be over. I sat there all day. Honestly I had an occasional-truancy habit until my junior year of college. Sometimes school is just too much. Why *would* you want to be in a fluorescent lit room with a bunch of shrieking children and agenda-driven teachers, when you could be at home?
I think it's better to acknowledge a kid's feelings and tell them "I know you don't want to go, I wish we could spend the day together too, I need you to be brave, and you can tell me all about it tonight" rather than try to convince them they aren't legitimate.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:05 AM on January 18, 2022 [4 favorites]
As far as school... I remember being about her age and having a day when I just did not want to be at kinder. I couldn't tell you why exactly. Nobody was mean or anything and nothing tragic had happened. I just couldn't handle it. My mom forced me to go, and forced me out of the car, and somehow I slipped through the cracks enough that nobody saw me leave the campus and go sit out on the curb and wait for the day to be over. I sat there all day. Honestly I had an occasional-truancy habit until my junior year of college. Sometimes school is just too much. Why *would* you want to be in a fluorescent lit room with a bunch of shrieking children and agenda-driven teachers, when you could be at home?
I think it's better to acknowledge a kid's feelings and tell them "I know you don't want to go, I wish we could spend the day together too, I need you to be brave, and you can tell me all about it tonight" rather than try to convince them they aren't legitimate.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:05 AM on January 18, 2022 [4 favorites]
I just want to reiterate that this really doesn't sound like anxiety to me, she's asking for comfort and safety instead of a long day that's almost completely lacking in comfort or safety from her point of view. Treating that as an irrational fear isn't really fair. Maybe being away from her people for this long isn't something she's able to tolerate. Everyone has a limit to what they can handle. She is telling you she's at her limit.
posted by bleep at 10:42 AM on January 18, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by bleep at 10:42 AM on January 18, 2022 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I just want to reiterate that this really doesn't sound like anxiety to me, she's asking for comfort and safety instead of a long day that's almost completely lacking in comfort or safety from her point of view. Treating that as an irrational fear isn't really fair. Maybe being away from her people for this long isn't something she's able to tolerate. Everyone has a limit to what they can handle. She is telling you she's at her limit.
I want to emphasize that I don't agree with this and I think it's a toxic thing to say to a set of working parents. A 5 year old with an intense fixation on one parent and a sudden focus on death that goes through an entire several week winter break while she is at home with her family and also affects all of her activities that used to make her happy is going through *something.* It's worth trying to work through or around, but it's really unfair to assert blithely, 'well, of course she doesn't like being in school/care because she doesn't feel comfortable or cared for and that's surely rational and reasonable.' It isn't, necessarily, and it may be addressable in any number of different ways and to say that one's two parents are the only people who can be a child's "people" only increases the burden on working families. Many many children are safely and happily raised by a community of adults.
posted by vunder at 11:43 AM on January 18, 2022 [19 favorites]
I want to emphasize that I don't agree with this and I think it's a toxic thing to say to a set of working parents. A 5 year old with an intense fixation on one parent and a sudden focus on death that goes through an entire several week winter break while she is at home with her family and also affects all of her activities that used to make her happy is going through *something.* It's worth trying to work through or around, but it's really unfair to assert blithely, 'well, of course she doesn't like being in school/care because she doesn't feel comfortable or cared for and that's surely rational and reasonable.' It isn't, necessarily, and it may be addressable in any number of different ways and to say that one's two parents are the only people who can be a child's "people" only increases the burden on working families. Many many children are safely and happily raised by a community of adults.
posted by vunder at 11:43 AM on January 18, 2022 [19 favorites]
Best answer: Some news about Omicron and danger may have landed and stuck. I'd spend some time talking about how Mom & Dad, and to a lesser extent, GrandMom and GrandPop and Auntie Theora, etc., are vaccinated against the Covid virus that has been a big deal and has made lots of people sick, how she and Mom & Dad are safe and are going to be fine, and here's why. Yes, things change, her teacher has new plans, but Mom & Dad are going to be there and keep her safe. You might have this conversation several times, as well as checking to see if she can identify what's making her feel anxious.
If at all possible, take a day off, or part of a day, and just say We can't do this very often, but you're feeling upset, so I cleared an afternoon to pick you up early, get some books and videos at the library, pick up some favorite food, and snuggle together A day(part of) with Mom and a day(part of) with Dad would be great. The whole gestalt right now is scary and weird and will-it-ever-end and if somebody volunteered to spend a snuggle day with me, I'd be over the moon. I suspect a significant %age of people feel that way. I might just go get a movie at the library and some Chinese food and snuggle in, myself.
When I got separated, then divorced, my kid was 5/ 7, and it got difficult, including absolute refusal to set foot in his classroom. I took a day with him and we just fluffed off, and it helped, also, therapist.
posted by theora55 at 12:46 PM on January 18, 2022 [5 favorites]
If at all possible, take a day off, or part of a day, and just say We can't do this very often, but you're feeling upset, so I cleared an afternoon to pick you up early, get some books and videos at the library, pick up some favorite food, and snuggle together A day(part of) with Mom and a day(part of) with Dad would be great. The whole gestalt right now is scary and weird and will-it-ever-end and if somebody volunteered to spend a snuggle day with me, I'd be over the moon. I suspect a significant %age of people feel that way. I might just go get a movie at the library and some Chinese food and snuggle in, myself.
When I got separated, then divorced, my kid was 5/ 7, and it got difficult, including absolute refusal to set foot in his classroom. I took a day with him and we just fluffed off, and it helped, also, therapist.
posted by theora55 at 12:46 PM on January 18, 2022 [5 favorites]
My kids have special needs and some anxiety and occasionally do not want to go to kindergarten. With my 5.5 year old I usually deal with this by casually offering to pick him up early (not super early, just before some of the other kids who are usually picked up at the same time). I feel like this gives him a sense of control back? I do it one or 2 days and then go back to normal. I also leave early and take as long as he needs for the drop off. He needs LONG deep pressure hugs and we discuss it like it’s charging a battery and I hug him until he’s up to 120 percent. Just some ideas!
posted by pairofshades at 9:04 PM on January 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by pairofshades at 9:04 PM on January 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
There are some conversations/questions you could have with your kid when they get stuck waiting for mom when you're around. You could directly ask if something might help a little bit while you wait for mom, and even if she says no gently challenge with different coping mechanisms and coping things like holding a stuffed animal, talking with dad, watching TV, eating a favorite food, just whatever fits for your kid. Be silly with it! If none of it helps, that's okay too, just validate that sometimes feelings can be big and reassure that mom's coming back.
Questions like What do you want to do with mom? How will mom help you feel better? What's your favorite thing about mom? This is also fun because you can then let mom know what's so great about her, and it is a chance for you to say stuff like 'did you know I can also sit next to you' or whatever the case may be. You can ask questions well would mom do task in a way or b way? Even acting like mom in an exaggerated and silly way. Of course if this distresses her more, stop.
It's also okay to age appropriately say that sometimes you miss her mom/your partner and what you do when you miss her. For example 'When I miss your mom I look at my wedding ring (if that's applicable).' It is a good way to normalize that adults miss people too, and mention things adults do about that's age appropriate (think distraction, comfort items, a story, talking with someone else). The key is that these are things that should be accessible to her.
You may want to look to see if there is an imbalance of task time and play time, where you aren't getting much of a chance to play with your kid as much as mom. It also worth considering if your daughter is having a tough time playing while mom isn't there,you spending some time playing with her toys and things anyway to try and move her into doing something else. Lots of kids will get curious and join in, but some kids might find that distressing so keep an eye out on your kids emotional reaction.
You may want to think about how you are talking about loss and death, and if there are some age appropriate answers you want to share regarding your beliefs and worldview. Once you have an idea of what your answers to your kid would be, it's easier to find books or stories that address those things in a way that you find acceptable that you can show her to help reassure her or explain things a bit.
I think especially with this impacting many areas of her life therapy is a good option to explore. This may take some time to work through because her brain is trying to grapple with some pretty complex ideas about the impermanence of things in the world.
posted by AlexiaSky at 3:10 AM on January 19, 2022
Questions like What do you want to do with mom? How will mom help you feel better? What's your favorite thing about mom? This is also fun because you can then let mom know what's so great about her, and it is a chance for you to say stuff like 'did you know I can also sit next to you' or whatever the case may be. You can ask questions well would mom do task in a way or b way? Even acting like mom in an exaggerated and silly way. Of course if this distresses her more, stop.
It's also okay to age appropriately say that sometimes you miss her mom/your partner and what you do when you miss her. For example 'When I miss your mom I look at my wedding ring (if that's applicable).' It is a good way to normalize that adults miss people too, and mention things adults do about that's age appropriate (think distraction, comfort items, a story, talking with someone else). The key is that these are things that should be accessible to her.
You may want to look to see if there is an imbalance of task time and play time, where you aren't getting much of a chance to play with your kid as much as mom. It also worth considering if your daughter is having a tough time playing while mom isn't there,you spending some time playing with her toys and things anyway to try and move her into doing something else. Lots of kids will get curious and join in, but some kids might find that distressing so keep an eye out on your kids emotional reaction.
You may want to think about how you are talking about loss and death, and if there are some age appropriate answers you want to share regarding your beliefs and worldview. Once you have an idea of what your answers to your kid would be, it's easier to find books or stories that address those things in a way that you find acceptable that you can show her to help reassure her or explain things a bit.
I think especially with this impacting many areas of her life therapy is a good option to explore. This may take some time to work through because her brain is trying to grapple with some pretty complex ideas about the impermanence of things in the world.
posted by AlexiaSky at 3:10 AM on January 19, 2022
This sounds to me (I have anxious kids) like behavior worth listening to for what's going on, in addition to managing so people can carry on. Yeah, even more work I'm offering.
The whole picture -- home behavior, Christmas presents, speed of change -- says to me there was some precipitating event and handling her internal aftermath is overwhelming for her. Might be an external event at school or elsewhere, might be an internal event like the realization that everybody dies, or an incorrect conclusion around death.
She might very well work through this to a better place by herself. The play therapy is a good thing to offer. But when you can, you (or her mother, if that's what works, its not personal) may also be able to talk gently about what has changed, draw pictures with her and hear her talk about them, feel for what she might not know how to say.
Little-kid anxiety is tricky because sometimes it's not so much anxiety as it is fear and grief in response to wildly incorrect presumed facts.
posted by away for regrooving at 10:03 AM on January 19, 2022
The whole picture -- home behavior, Christmas presents, speed of change -- says to me there was some precipitating event and handling her internal aftermath is overwhelming for her. Might be an external event at school or elsewhere, might be an internal event like the realization that everybody dies, or an incorrect conclusion around death.
She might very well work through this to a better place by herself. The play therapy is a good thing to offer. But when you can, you (or her mother, if that's what works, its not personal) may also be able to talk gently about what has changed, draw pictures with her and hear her talk about them, feel for what she might not know how to say.
Little-kid anxiety is tricky because sometimes it's not so much anxiety as it is fear and grief in response to wildly incorrect presumed facts.
posted by away for regrooving at 10:03 AM on January 19, 2022
I have to say I don't think the advice that's good for typical school anxiety/refusal is very applicable here. Like, doing the dropoff one way or another is not at issue.
While a child is only functioning well in the presence of one of their beloved parents, not the other, then being away from both... is unlikely to get back to normal until the whole underlying thing is better. In the mean time the priority is to make as sure as I can that school isn't a traumatic experience, and then that it shows some positive value. When this has been my life.
posted by away for regrooving at 10:41 AM on January 19, 2022
While a child is only functioning well in the presence of one of their beloved parents, not the other, then being away from both... is unlikely to get back to normal until the whole underlying thing is better. In the mean time the priority is to make as sure as I can that school isn't a traumatic experience, and then that it shows some positive value. When this has been my life.
posted by away for regrooving at 10:41 AM on January 19, 2022
This thread is closed to new comments.
Does she have an answer to why she hates school? Or cannot explain?
posted by tiny frying pan at 8:22 AM on January 18, 2022 [1 favorite]