How to prioritize and take action when faced with a big decision?

August 25, 2021 12:28 PM

I graduated college in spring 2020 and have been living with my parents for a year now. I'm non-binary, but not out to my parents. I'm unemployed and feel ashamed about the time I've wasted over the past year. I don't feel comfortable moving forward with HRT until I move out, which is frustrating. Recently I've been working on improving my mental health, but I feel overwhelmed by the possibilities for living independently. How can I make myself weigh the pros and cons, avoid procrastinating, and decide?

I've always struggled with procrastination and anxiety, but over the past year I've been feeling more and more depressed as well. Last fall I applied for grad school with the support of my former research advisor, but didn't get in anywhere. A couple months ago, the same advisor contacted me about a funding opportunity she could apply for that was specifically for graduates whose research was affected by COVID. I was working on a project with her in my last semester, but couldn't finish because of the pandemic, so it seemed like a great opportunity. I love my college town and have a good support network there of trans friends and close mentors, so the idea of moving back there was exciting. I think this prospect gave me some energy to address my depression. I started seeing a therapist, taking an exercise class, saw my primary care doctor to discuss HRT, and went back on depression meds.

Unfortunately, I found out a few days ago that my advisor's application wasn't accepted. I was already thinking about this possibility, and decided it would make sense to look for jobs in my field of interest in NYC, since I live on the train line and don't have a car. I would like to apply for grad school again (I really loved research and the lab environment in undergrad), but I don't think now is the best time; I want to gain some more work/research experience and build my self-confidence first. My goal would be to eventually find an apartment in the city, hopefully before next year.

However, a friend in my college town contacted me recently about some friends of theirs--who are also trans--looking for a housemate. It occurred to me that even if I have to find a job completely unrelated to my aspirations, it might be worth it if I get to live with people who accept me for who I am and in circumstances where I could move forward with transitioning. This option is much more immediate--I would have to decide within the next couple weeks. Despite the pressure, I haven't done any job-searching at all. I'm worried that I'll just let this go by without truly looking into it or considering if it's a worthy option. I'm worried that I'll just let the next months go by too, like I have the past year.

I know this decision is ultimately up to me, but are there any ways I can consider the situation that will help me actually decide? I'm tired of constantly thinking and not taking action. I also know that taking action will force me to confront my feelings of failure and inadequacy. How can I move forward even when those feelings come up?

posted by Lurch to Grab Bag (15 answers total)

Sounds to me like either decision, moving back to college town or looking for NYC jobs and applying to grad school, ultimately lead to a good place. It is just the order of what you do to get to the final goal of employed at a job you like, accepted for who you are, and mentally happy. My point is I do not think you should worry so much about which is right. Just pick one and throw yourself into it. Time usually works things out when you are that young.

Having said that, if it were me, I would prioritize getting out of my childhood home so that I could be myself and who I am and not hide it anymore. I think, for me, the first step is my mental health. After that, the money, job, life things will fall into place. Also, worry about your next decision, not your last one.
posted by AugustWest at 12:49 PM on August 25, 2021

Failure and inadequacy are only relevant if you are holding yourself to a different standard than you are currently able to meet. They are not fixed, universal, or even standardized in society.

It sounds like your transition (or rather lack of comfort with proceeding) is causing you a lot of distress. I strongly encourage you to move in with your friends and see how life looks from there. You may find their support and your own capacity to relax within that context provides you the space needed to consider your best next moves.

As has been said by wiser folks than I -- maybe you're not depressed, maybe you're just surrounded by jerks. (Or unsupportive people, etc)
posted by ananci at 12:53 PM on August 25, 2021

Having trans affirming housing with trans housemates lined up is huge. Being able to pursue hormone therapy is huge. Everyone’s experience is different but it would be hard for me to overstate the healing and joy I have experienced from the latter. I would give a lot of weight to being able to pursue it as soon as possible one way or another in your decisionmaking.
posted by Gymnopedist at 12:53 PM on August 25, 2021

I'm unemployed and feel ashamed about the time I've wasted over the past year. I don't feel comfortable moving forward with HRT until I move out, which is frustrating.

Cis bi female here encouraging you to listen to Gymnopedist. Go find your peeps!

Also, please consider the possibility that you have nothing to feel ashamed about because you are human, overwhelmed, life often sucks, pandemic, yadda yadda.

Consider the possibility that you were not wasting your time. Maybe you were struggling to survive and succeeded, which is something to celebrate when you are able.

Whatever you decide your next move is, best of luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 1:40 PM on August 25, 2021

I can't speak to trans issues specifically (hi, cishet white dude, all the privilege in many ways), but in general, being around good people is of immense value. I'd say "take a job, any job, that gets you out of your current unhappy situation, and if it allows you to be around good people, all the better." As far as "jobs relative to your aspirations" -- I'm in my late 30s and my aspirations have changed a lot since I was your age, in part due to opportunities that came up that would've never crossed my path if I was 100% focused on one job or bust.

Also for goodness sake please be kind to yourself. You sound like you're doing pretty darn well in a bloody awful situation. It took me close to 8 years to figure myself out post-graduation, even with no pandemic and more privilege. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

So, yeah, more strong agreement with what Gymnopedist and Bella Donna wrote above.
posted by Alterscape at 1:46 PM on August 25, 2021

Right now, you're depressed and dysphoric and closeted, and not only is all of that bad for your mental health, it's probably making it really hard for you to move forward with your career/job search. It really seems like the only thing going for your current situation is that your basic physical needs (food/housing) are met. If you feel confident you can find work that will pay your rent and food bills (and if you're willing to take any job right now, you will be) then it doesn't really seem like there's a downside to moving in with your friends. The absolute worst that could happen would be that you wouldn't be able to pay your bills for some reason and then you'd have to move back in with your parents - which is where you are right now.

Having been in similar positions in the past (though not exactly the same) I can confidently say it was always better to be working a kinda crappy job and living with my peers than being unemployed at my parents' house.

And please try to let yourself off the hook when it comes to feeling ashamed. I graduated TWICE into recessions (the post-911 recession for undergrad, Great Recession for grad school) and both times wound up living at home for a while, once while seriously underemployed, once while unemployed. I often felt the same way but I wish I hadn't. A lot of people have been in our shoes. And lest you feel like this will determine the rest of your career, I now have a career I LOVE and that pays me reasonably well. You definitely have lots of time to build a career and a life.
posted by lunasol at 2:01 PM on August 25, 2021

Another vote for getting out first, and sorting out The Future after. I moved back to my childhood home after college and spent a year-plus stuck and depressed there.

I had a chance at a roommate situation in another city, came up with a vague plan about more school that my parents approved of, and went. (That plan fell apart after step two, which was fine.) It helped a lot to be around other recent graduates, and to have more concrete problems than 'a career' to grapple with.
posted by mersen at 2:06 PM on August 25, 2021

I think you'll do great, once you're able to just be yourself and self actualize. Your relationship with your parents (although you did not say it is toxic) will likely improve when you move out as well-- although, of course, I have no idea, really. Even if you make some missteps and mistakes, that's totally fine. Have you gotten checked for anything ADHD related?
posted by erattacorrige at 2:50 PM on August 25, 2021

I cannot give you any advice about the actual things that seem to be distressing you, but to your question—

are there any ways I can consider the situation that will help me actually decide?

It seems part of what’s going on is the very large scope of things you’re considering all together. Why not give your friends a deadline for your decision to move or not, say ‘I’m thinking about it and I’ll let you know by’ such-and-such a date, and then keep yourself to it. Decisions where time is a hard factor can often be easier than indefinite ones, because reduce the scope of the things you have to consider, and clarify what’s important to you.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 3:37 PM on August 25, 2021

Leap! And the net will appear.
posted by aniola at 3:57 PM on August 25, 2021

History and Etymology for decide Middle English, from Latin decidere, literally, to cut off, from de- + caedere to cut

When I think about making a decision, I think about cutting fabric to make an article of clothing. You're going to cut that sheet of fabric. It will never be the same. But that's ok! The cutting (the decision) will create the opportunity for you to make whatever article of clothing it is you want to make.
posted by aniola at 4:01 PM on August 25, 2021

It occurred to me that even if I have to find a job completely unrelated to my aspirations, it might be worth it if I get to live with people who accept me for who I am and in circumstances where I could move forward with transitioning.

You can take any job that will help you get started in your new life in your new home, and look for something more closely related to your aspirations later.

Also, sometimes having professors and other people who might be interested in helping find you opportunities can make it easier to find a job that might be tangentially related to something you want to do. Come up with a bit of an elevator pitch that you can give to your former professors, something like: "I'm looking for job options while our field is waiting on the research environment to be more hospitable to being a grad student again. Living with my parents hasn't worked out well and I've decided to see what jobs are available in College Town for someone with my knowledge base, please let me know of any options." You never know, your professor might know someone in your field or a related one who would be happy to create a job for the right person. It might not seem like it's even in a direction you were wanting to go, but more connections and people familiar with you will only help you in the long run.

I think you are likely to find your mental health will improve rapidly once you are in living situation where you don't have to hide who you are.
posted by yohko at 4:42 PM on August 25, 2021

You know, for the most part any first step will do. There's not going to be a perfect opportunity and that's actually fine! Any opportunity that sounds pretty good to you right now is absolutely sufficient, and any opportunity with a little built-in cushion - and roommates are that when you are just starting out, because you're not on the hook for an entire place yourself AND you're not spending all your time alone - is better on the risk scale than not doing that.

Go live with the roommates and consider this a gap year, with permission to work just whatever job to cover your living expenses and not make any career or academic advancements but rather to invest in your mental health and personal growth. Start re-assessing in 8-9 months and see what has happened in that time and what you want to do next. You're not really considering anything that's going to cement other doors shut forever, you have time to make other decisions later.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:01 PM on August 25, 2021

If you have some savings (to cover the security deposit, etc.) and the college town is "affordable" enough so that you can support yourself in the service economy, I think you should GTFO of your parents house ASAP and return to your college town.

If the finances aren't there yet, then this particular opportunity may not be feasible for you. If this is the case, I would encourage you to prioritize getting out of your parent's house. You don't need to worry about grad school/ landing the perfect job at this point. Once you are out of your parent's home, you will actually have the headspace figure out the longer term stuff.
posted by oceano at 8:46 PM on August 25, 2021

I'm 44 and finishing up my phd (I should defend this fall!) and while there are times that I wish I'd started this sooner, I absolutely would not be as good at what I do without the time that I spent running around in my 20s button mashing on life. :) A lot of folks know exactly what they want to do and who they are at 22, but most of us don't.

So count me in as a vote on spending a year (or more) living with roommates, getting your identity more sorted out (it's a lifelong process, but you can feel better in yourself now) and slinging coffee or whatever. No grad program that you want to be in is going to look down on you working retail for a year to pay your bills, especially during a global health emergency. And if you're on hand, when that undergrad advisor has an opportunity (volunteer or paid), it's going to be a lot easier to go "oh, that's right, Lurch, they're back in College Town, let's pull them in on X project."

There is nothing wrong with spending a year in your mid20s (from your question, I'm assuming you're pretty traditionally college aged) getting your stuff together (or heck, 5 or 10 years, hi!) The folks I work with who went straight from high school to undergrad to graduate school to tenure track jobs without doing anything else are usually (though not always, there's always an exception hanging around on the green) more difficult to work with, less emphatic, etc. Go grab some more life experience and more stories to tell with these same friends in 10 or 20 years. :)
posted by joycehealy at 10:25 AM on August 26, 2021