Meat in the middle đ incompatible sex drives, or emotional issues?
July 5, 2021 7:25 PM Subscribe
What do you do when weâre youâre opposite ends of the spectrum in your outlooks on sex. I need a lot to feel connected, he doesnât need much but masturbates constantly when alone, is there even a way to meet in the middle here? Sometimes its a red flag, sometimes its a green flag.
This is a query around compatibility, porn & masturbation, the scars of infidelity & control in the past, and what should normal sex look like in a new relationship. Something you are well qualified to help me with :)
I'm in a new relationship of a couple of months, we've both bonded over the hurt we have come through in our past relationships. In my last relationship after a couple of years I found out about my exe cheating (long term/multiple) and I worked through infidelity books and videos. I saw a lot of behaviours in myself that needed to change, and I did, so we tried again. After another couple of years, he was back at it again, so I ended it feeling like I never had any respect or communication more than him going elsewhere.
Now, I wasn't looking for anyone new/anything serious so soon, but a great guy came along and we kind of fell for each other bonding over the pain we had been through. For him, his ex was very controlling and cheated a lot, and kind of forced them into an open relationship after a few years and ultimately abandoned him for someone else, whilst he was devoted to his ex, left his career and family to move here (where I am) to be with him, and currently has no real help or connections here.
We talked endlessly about our pasts and bonded over a lot of shared interests and hanging out. Things are going great, heâs very affectionate and meets my needs for words of affection, weâre very attracted to each other, and he is positive, mature with a good childish ratio. Is genuine, honest & expressive about emotion and hopes for the future. After a while of being friends we both agreed we wanted to be in a monogamous relationship, he communicates better than anyone I've ever been with, is 100% on board with explaining things, or answering questions, and respects the baggage I bring with me around trust issues and being over vigilant and wants to help me work on it and tells me I deserve so much better.
Everything is good, bar when it comes to the bedroom, and I don't know if it's a red flag or a golden ticket⌠If itâs my problem or his. We had sex a couple of times and it was fine. Hee was definitely initially teasing me and seemed okay with flirting on text, then I sent a short video one day thinking I was being kinky, he went cold and said he just didn't like videos and pictures that he would rather the in-person experience.
This transpired weeks later into it becoming cold, and any mention of sex sometimes seems to be offensive. He said that his ex and he started their relationship this way and it became long-distance for a year, but it eventually faded out which hurt him and he found out his ex was texting pictures to others a lot more and not to him and he has some triggers around it. He and his ex-had adult Twitter accounts of themselves and had lots of pictures and videos of themselves either alone or together, which they only made in the last year (of 5 years) to try and keep things exciting and help with his self-confidence. I was a bit triggered by it too and he agreed to make it private> we had another conversation about it later cause he said he wasnât using it anymore, but the fact that we were monogamous and he was online for all to see I had to talk about it again. He was great about it, he agreed about deleting dating apps before me and wants us to be social media official while Iâm more reserved about it being early days. With Twitter, he said he had lots of followers and the likes he had amassed there were akin to favourites on a porn hub account and wanted to keep it and not delete it. I reluctantly agreed if he let me follow it and delete all the personal stuff of him and remove the profile details etc. he agreed. That' was all okay, I chalked that up to sexting would be nice when we don't see each other all week, but it's not really a requirement for me and I have no problem with his porn favourites, even if on a public platform with messaging etc.
But things in the bedroom started getting stranger, I'm very sexually attracted to him, and I get very excited when we make out, and due to us being in the new relationship energy/puppy time/limerance phase whatever you want to call it, and me being very easily aroused, I was expecting there to be a lot more sex. But half the time we were together it wasnât happening, and he was never initiating. Itâs just got stranger and stranger, he likes to make out a lot and then just seems to get in his head or pull away. Through lots of communication and experience, I discovered that he watches a lot of porn, like several times a day, and has a death grip so I cannot really make him cum and he needs a lot of specific stimulation/acts & time to reach climax. I suggested a couple of times that he not engage in so much porn and learn to orgasm in different ways and let me try to please him more. He was always honest in telling me he failed in trying to edge or not cum, or just enjoyed it and thought I was sexy and not to worry or feel unattractive or unwanted. Most recently he is back to watching every day several times. We are in a place where I get rejected about half of the time or him not wanting to have any sexual touch, just a lot of kissing. Sometimes I get upset and want to talk about it, but me having a conversation about it or being upset about it leads to us having sex, and then me feeling like it only happened as I manipulated him into it (He assures me this is not the case and is because he feels more connected to me when I share my vulnerabilities).
This is also a big trigger for me because I had a lot of rejection in my last relationship and I'm the sort of person who uses intimacy to feel connected to a partner. I know I don't need sex every day cause in my last relationship I went months without sex and in previous relationships, theyâve always reached about 2 sex times a week, so Iâm not sure why I am feeling so upset about all of this. Iâve never had a problem pleasing a partner before, but this makes me feel very unattractive. Through lots of talks, he has expressed that he feels more connected just by spending quality time with me, holding hands, watching TV, playing games, kissing, and cuddling without anything leading to sex. He doesnât associate that he gets hard when we kiss as a reason to do anything. Whereas I do, I have spent lots of time, even early in the relationship getting blue balled and masturbating while he is out of the room, gone to the shop, in the shower or Iâve just taken myself off to another room and make myself climax just to get it out of my system. Iâm incredibly aroused when we kiss and cuddle, and now I feel sort of perverted or dirty doing that or feeling the need to be pleased, and feeling like shit cause he doesnât want/need it, or feeling shit just trying to initiate sex when we see each other or when we wake up together. This leaves me feeling horrible, in a way thatâs hard to articulate, not sexy, not wanted, and not connected to him? When I tell him this he says he feels horrible about it that he does not want me to feel that way and wants to do anything to help us get to a place where we have a good sex life, but he doesnât need it to feel connected.
Part of my suggestion was that as he is watching porn several times a day that he is overstimulated with fake people and so used to making himself cum that if he worked on that addiction he might be more inclined to want to have sex a few times on the 2-3 days a week when we spend time together. Is it wrong for me to feel that his drop in sexual activity and low sexual desire results from the recent/ frequent masturbation or even for feeling like his masturbation is part of the problem? I feel like his masturbation habits have definitely rendered sex with me less arousing by comparison.
He has suggested that I am overly concerned with sex being part of a good connection and that I need to work on why Iâm feeling rejected around sex, that if I really need it, he will just make me cum and not expect anything in return, and asks that I give him time to work through his issues around how healthy sex life should look (due to his long term controlling and abusive relationship). He attributes a lot of it to his ex-rejecting him/cheating on him for years, that he has become accustomed to just watching porn and sorting himself out and will look into in the CBT classes he is taking for his anxiety. He says he finds it hard to cum as he gets in his head about how long he takes, that his ex used to get angry about how long it took and his ex never wanted or cared to try and please him. So he says he is partly not used to how I am so excited around him all the time as it took a lot of work to even get his ex aroused, and party not used to someone wanting to please him and that I shouldnât be feeling bad that I canât please him, he doesnât care about it, and he will do what it takes for us to have a good sex life.
Am I wrong for wanting more sex or feeling bad for begin rejected so early in our relationship? Is it manipulative of me to want to talk him round to more of how I see it, or even feeling like early in a relationship we should be at it like rabbits? I know I shouldnât feel like if I am rejected or canât make him cum that Iâm not valued or our connection is breaking, what steps can I take to address these feelings?
Is this a golden ticket or a red flag? While we have issues, the great communication and conflict management and the fact that we are on the same page about building a good team and his honestly at all times and willing to discussing porn or masturbation interests and help me in not making assumptions or judge each other for our issues.
Am I placing too much importance on sexual intimacy in relationships, and too much pressure on myself to be able to please my partner and make them orgasm? Is it selfish to let him please me and not return the favour or is this a gravy train, Iâm so confused.
Do you all use masturbation morning and night as a way of relaxation, and need it, but can still have a healthy sex life in your relationships? I do not feel like porn is bad in general and I am willing to listen to alt perspectives, though I feel Iâm always going to be the type of person who wants to focus on our relationship and learning how to please each other, and I know it is going to be difficult to not have sex for a while as he tries to adjust to this kind of dynamic. I have agreed that I am willing to limit the amount of sex needed and prove Iâm not just using him for his body, and that when things do happen to not put pressure on orgasming and enjoying kissing/cuddling for what it is, for now, he has agreed to look at his porn issues. I still feel like there should be more intimacy this early in the relationship, but will accept some compromise as we seem to be a good fit in other ways and I donât feel like me thinking he is irresistible is a bad thing, like I am bad for not curtailing it.
I definitely feel like the no sexting or image swapping, means that porn is a priority for him, so heâs not just feeling like porn is a priority but itâs in evidence that he chooses it over me consistently, or is this my security issues around fear of attraction being lost, or that sex life will continue to get worse or suffer long term once the honeymoon period is over?
Itâs been a rocky start, weâve both had anxiety and erection problems in sex due to our issues and history, and the fact he feels his ex only ever had penetrative sex with his partner as a way to use him and that sex was all they had in the last year of their relationship, that he doesnât want it to be a priority for him making a new connection, and he needed to wait to have it penetration with me, and doesnât want that all the time, only ever occasionally (Iâve agreed this is okay). I have orgasms and climaxes, whereas he only has climaxes (I.e. finished and cannot continue, or orgasm again) which I think scares him into more anxiety as I can just keep going some of the time.
What do I do, we seem to be at the opposite ends of the spectrum here in our outlooks on sex, is there a way to meet in the middle here?
Why am I being so intense when I know I should be calm so early on and he's been brilliant about talking through it, he says he loves me (and said it very early on) and wants to do anything to make it work?
I'm in a new relationship of a couple of months, we've both bonded over the hurt we have come through in our past relationships. In my last relationship after a couple of years I found out about my exe cheating (long term/multiple) and I worked through infidelity books and videos. I saw a lot of behaviours in myself that needed to change, and I did, so we tried again. After another couple of years, he was back at it again, so I ended it feeling like I never had any respect or communication more than him going elsewhere.
Now, I wasn't looking for anyone new/anything serious so soon, but a great guy came along and we kind of fell for each other bonding over the pain we had been through. For him, his ex was very controlling and cheated a lot, and kind of forced them into an open relationship after a few years and ultimately abandoned him for someone else, whilst he was devoted to his ex, left his career and family to move here (where I am) to be with him, and currently has no real help or connections here.
We talked endlessly about our pasts and bonded over a lot of shared interests and hanging out. Things are going great, heâs very affectionate and meets my needs for words of affection, weâre very attracted to each other, and he is positive, mature with a good childish ratio. Is genuine, honest & expressive about emotion and hopes for the future. After a while of being friends we both agreed we wanted to be in a monogamous relationship, he communicates better than anyone I've ever been with, is 100% on board with explaining things, or answering questions, and respects the baggage I bring with me around trust issues and being over vigilant and wants to help me work on it and tells me I deserve so much better.
Everything is good, bar when it comes to the bedroom, and I don't know if it's a red flag or a golden ticket⌠If itâs my problem or his. We had sex a couple of times and it was fine. Hee was definitely initially teasing me and seemed okay with flirting on text, then I sent a short video one day thinking I was being kinky, he went cold and said he just didn't like videos and pictures that he would rather the in-person experience.
This transpired weeks later into it becoming cold, and any mention of sex sometimes seems to be offensive. He said that his ex and he started their relationship this way and it became long-distance for a year, but it eventually faded out which hurt him and he found out his ex was texting pictures to others a lot more and not to him and he has some triggers around it. He and his ex-had adult Twitter accounts of themselves and had lots of pictures and videos of themselves either alone or together, which they only made in the last year (of 5 years) to try and keep things exciting and help with his self-confidence. I was a bit triggered by it too and he agreed to make it private> we had another conversation about it later cause he said he wasnât using it anymore, but the fact that we were monogamous and he was online for all to see I had to talk about it again. He was great about it, he agreed about deleting dating apps before me and wants us to be social media official while Iâm more reserved about it being early days. With Twitter, he said he had lots of followers and the likes he had amassed there were akin to favourites on a porn hub account and wanted to keep it and not delete it. I reluctantly agreed if he let me follow it and delete all the personal stuff of him and remove the profile details etc. he agreed. That' was all okay, I chalked that up to sexting would be nice when we don't see each other all week, but it's not really a requirement for me and I have no problem with his porn favourites, even if on a public platform with messaging etc.
But things in the bedroom started getting stranger, I'm very sexually attracted to him, and I get very excited when we make out, and due to us being in the new relationship energy/puppy time/limerance phase whatever you want to call it, and me being very easily aroused, I was expecting there to be a lot more sex. But half the time we were together it wasnât happening, and he was never initiating. Itâs just got stranger and stranger, he likes to make out a lot and then just seems to get in his head or pull away. Through lots of communication and experience, I discovered that he watches a lot of porn, like several times a day, and has a death grip so I cannot really make him cum and he needs a lot of specific stimulation/acts & time to reach climax. I suggested a couple of times that he not engage in so much porn and learn to orgasm in different ways and let me try to please him more. He was always honest in telling me he failed in trying to edge or not cum, or just enjoyed it and thought I was sexy and not to worry or feel unattractive or unwanted. Most recently he is back to watching every day several times. We are in a place where I get rejected about half of the time or him not wanting to have any sexual touch, just a lot of kissing. Sometimes I get upset and want to talk about it, but me having a conversation about it or being upset about it leads to us having sex, and then me feeling like it only happened as I manipulated him into it (He assures me this is not the case and is because he feels more connected to me when I share my vulnerabilities).
This is also a big trigger for me because I had a lot of rejection in my last relationship and I'm the sort of person who uses intimacy to feel connected to a partner. I know I don't need sex every day cause in my last relationship I went months without sex and in previous relationships, theyâve always reached about 2 sex times a week, so Iâm not sure why I am feeling so upset about all of this. Iâve never had a problem pleasing a partner before, but this makes me feel very unattractive. Through lots of talks, he has expressed that he feels more connected just by spending quality time with me, holding hands, watching TV, playing games, kissing, and cuddling without anything leading to sex. He doesnât associate that he gets hard when we kiss as a reason to do anything. Whereas I do, I have spent lots of time, even early in the relationship getting blue balled and masturbating while he is out of the room, gone to the shop, in the shower or Iâve just taken myself off to another room and make myself climax just to get it out of my system. Iâm incredibly aroused when we kiss and cuddle, and now I feel sort of perverted or dirty doing that or feeling the need to be pleased, and feeling like shit cause he doesnât want/need it, or feeling shit just trying to initiate sex when we see each other or when we wake up together. This leaves me feeling horrible, in a way thatâs hard to articulate, not sexy, not wanted, and not connected to him? When I tell him this he says he feels horrible about it that he does not want me to feel that way and wants to do anything to help us get to a place where we have a good sex life, but he doesnât need it to feel connected.
Part of my suggestion was that as he is watching porn several times a day that he is overstimulated with fake people and so used to making himself cum that if he worked on that addiction he might be more inclined to want to have sex a few times on the 2-3 days a week when we spend time together. Is it wrong for me to feel that his drop in sexual activity and low sexual desire results from the recent/ frequent masturbation or even for feeling like his masturbation is part of the problem? I feel like his masturbation habits have definitely rendered sex with me less arousing by comparison.
He has suggested that I am overly concerned with sex being part of a good connection and that I need to work on why Iâm feeling rejected around sex, that if I really need it, he will just make me cum and not expect anything in return, and asks that I give him time to work through his issues around how healthy sex life should look (due to his long term controlling and abusive relationship). He attributes a lot of it to his ex-rejecting him/cheating on him for years, that he has become accustomed to just watching porn and sorting himself out and will look into in the CBT classes he is taking for his anxiety. He says he finds it hard to cum as he gets in his head about how long he takes, that his ex used to get angry about how long it took and his ex never wanted or cared to try and please him. So he says he is partly not used to how I am so excited around him all the time as it took a lot of work to even get his ex aroused, and party not used to someone wanting to please him and that I shouldnât be feeling bad that I canât please him, he doesnât care about it, and he will do what it takes for us to have a good sex life.
Am I wrong for wanting more sex or feeling bad for begin rejected so early in our relationship? Is it manipulative of me to want to talk him round to more of how I see it, or even feeling like early in a relationship we should be at it like rabbits? I know I shouldnât feel like if I am rejected or canât make him cum that Iâm not valued or our connection is breaking, what steps can I take to address these feelings?
Is this a golden ticket or a red flag? While we have issues, the great communication and conflict management and the fact that we are on the same page about building a good team and his honestly at all times and willing to discussing porn or masturbation interests and help me in not making assumptions or judge each other for our issues.
Am I placing too much importance on sexual intimacy in relationships, and too much pressure on myself to be able to please my partner and make them orgasm? Is it selfish to let him please me and not return the favour or is this a gravy train, Iâm so confused.
Do you all use masturbation morning and night as a way of relaxation, and need it, but can still have a healthy sex life in your relationships? I do not feel like porn is bad in general and I am willing to listen to alt perspectives, though I feel Iâm always going to be the type of person who wants to focus on our relationship and learning how to please each other, and I know it is going to be difficult to not have sex for a while as he tries to adjust to this kind of dynamic. I have agreed that I am willing to limit the amount of sex needed and prove Iâm not just using him for his body, and that when things do happen to not put pressure on orgasming and enjoying kissing/cuddling for what it is, for now, he has agreed to look at his porn issues. I still feel like there should be more intimacy this early in the relationship, but will accept some compromise as we seem to be a good fit in other ways and I donât feel like me thinking he is irresistible is a bad thing, like I am bad for not curtailing it.
I definitely feel like the no sexting or image swapping, means that porn is a priority for him, so heâs not just feeling like porn is a priority but itâs in evidence that he chooses it over me consistently, or is this my security issues around fear of attraction being lost, or that sex life will continue to get worse or suffer long term once the honeymoon period is over?
Itâs been a rocky start, weâve both had anxiety and erection problems in sex due to our issues and history, and the fact he feels his ex only ever had penetrative sex with his partner as a way to use him and that sex was all they had in the last year of their relationship, that he doesnât want it to be a priority for him making a new connection, and he needed to wait to have it penetration with me, and doesnât want that all the time, only ever occasionally (Iâve agreed this is okay). I have orgasms and climaxes, whereas he only has climaxes (I.e. finished and cannot continue, or orgasm again) which I think scares him into more anxiety as I can just keep going some of the time.
What do I do, we seem to be at the opposite ends of the spectrum here in our outlooks on sex, is there a way to meet in the middle here?
Why am I being so intense when I know I should be calm so early on and he's been brilliant about talking through it, he says he loves me (and said it very early on) and wants to do anything to make it work?
You arenât doing anything wrong, and you canât singlehandedly fix something that someone else doesnât even see as a problem. I donât think this is going to work. Whatever is going on with him and the porn and the masturbation and not really wanting to have sex, the fact is that you have different wants and needs and expectations. And in case you need to hear it one more time: you arenât doing anything wrong. You arenât wrong. Youâre just different.
posted by something something at 7:43 PM on July 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by something something at 7:43 PM on July 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
No one can tell you what the deal is with this guy, but he clearly has tons of issues around sex and his previous relationship. I can handle some baggage, we all have it, but sexual issues are pretty challenging. Itâs ok to walk away if he canât give you the kind of sexual relationship you want.
posted by cakelite at 8:45 PM on July 5, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by cakelite at 8:45 PM on July 5, 2021 [1 favorite]
I had a wall of text written out and then missed the FansOnly/Twitter/PornHub thing he has going on. It is obvious that he does not have a physical issue with getting and maintaining erections, but all my suggestions kind of go away if he's able to perform on camera solo or with someone else and keep a personal brand going on social media around that. That's not someone who has hang ups around sex itself.
I do see a lot of language that would indicate some issues around sex you might be having, like "addiction" or "death grip" and "feeling dirty" which might be something to look at? Usually I'd say, why don't you try pleasuring yourself around him instead of hiding it when he's away or maybe if he's comfortable masturbating helping him out and that sex does not necessarily need to be actual sex to achieve physical intimacy.
But, something is not right here, my spidey sense is tingling. I'm not going to speculate anymore as I don't think that'd be helpful, but there's red flags and none of them have to do with watching porn and not initiating morning sex.
posted by geoff. at 9:00 PM on July 5, 2021 [3 favorites]
I do see a lot of language that would indicate some issues around sex you might be having, like "addiction" or "death grip" and "feeling dirty" which might be something to look at? Usually I'd say, why don't you try pleasuring yourself around him instead of hiding it when he's away or maybe if he's comfortable masturbating helping him out and that sex does not necessarily need to be actual sex to achieve physical intimacy.
But, something is not right here, my spidey sense is tingling. I'm not going to speculate anymore as I don't think that'd be helpful, but there's red flags and none of them have to do with watching porn and not initiating morning sex.
posted by geoff. at 9:00 PM on July 5, 2021 [3 favorites]
This is A LOT of work early in a relationship. Itâs only going to be more work from hereâand thatâs if heâs willing to work on the sexual stuff, which it doesnât seem like he is. Nothing youâve described wanting is unreasonable, but itâs also perfectly fine for him not to want any of it. These arenât red flags in the sense of âheâs a bad person who will cheat on you,â but rather red flags in the sense of âyou and he have some significant areas of incompatibility.â Those are worth paying attention to.
posted by theotherdurassister at 9:33 PM on July 5, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by theotherdurassister at 9:33 PM on July 5, 2021 [2 favorites]
Wow, you're really doubting yourself here. Why are you asking if this is the 'golden ticket'? Why are you thinking you're being too intense? This guy is making no concessions for you, and you're not really happy, and you're sexually frustrated by the relationship. It's ok to just move on. Oh, and him being quick to say I love you sounds a bit manipulative. Please listen to your gut and seek out a better match.
posted by hydra77 at 9:55 PM on July 5, 2021 [11 favorites]
posted by hydra77 at 9:55 PM on July 5, 2021 [11 favorites]
With great respect and kindness, if you have to ask if it's a golden ticket or a red flag, it's a red flag. I wonder because you have been so traumatised by the last relationship that this seems better. And it may be, but this is still a very long way from what anyone deserves.
If you can face it at all, getting some therapy (maybe from a kink friendly/sex positive therapist) would be able to help you rebuild your confidence in yourself and give you permission to need what you need. But as sad as it seems, maybe this was a transition relationship to help you get to the next and far better set up.
posted by Augenblick at 11:27 PM on July 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
If you can face it at all, getting some therapy (maybe from a kink friendly/sex positive therapist) would be able to help you rebuild your confidence in yourself and give you permission to need what you need. But as sad as it seems, maybe this was a transition relationship to help you get to the next and far better set up.
posted by Augenblick at 11:27 PM on July 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
The two of you have a fairly extreme sexual preference mismatch. Totally up to you to decide whether or not that's a dealbreaker for you (it would be for a great many people, especially early on in a mutual rebound relationship) but whether it is or whether it isn't, I strongly recommend completely giving up on the idea of trying to "fix" it; that way lies resentment and heartache that's worse than the frustration caused by the actual mismatch.
Nobody can make anybody else want to have sex with them, or make them want to do sexual things they're just not that into. Even apparently successful attempts will usually just undermine any confidence that the desire expressed is real, as opposed to being simulated in an attempt to please.
posted by flabdablet at 1:16 AM on July 6, 2021 [1 favorite]
Nobody can make anybody else want to have sex with them, or make them want to do sexual things they're just not that into. Even apparently successful attempts will usually just undermine any confidence that the desire expressed is real, as opposed to being simulated in an attempt to please.
posted by flabdablet at 1:16 AM on July 6, 2021 [1 favorite]
We had sex a couple of times and it was fine. Hee was definitely initially teasing me and seemed okay with flirting on text, then I sent a short video one day thinking I was being kinky, he went cold and said he just didn't like videos and pictures that he would rather the in-person experience.
This transpired weeks later into it becoming cold, and any mention of sex sometimes seems to be offensive. He said that his ex and he started their relationship this way and it became long-distance for a year, but it eventually faded out which hurt him and he found out his ex was texting pictures to others a lot more and not to him and he has some triggers around it. He and his ex-had adult Twitter accounts of themselves and had lots of pictures and videos of themselves either alone or together, which they only made in the last year (of 5 years) to try and keep things exciting and help with his self-confidence. I was a bit triggered by it too and he agreed to make it private> we had another conversation about it later cause he said he wasnât using it anymore, but the fact that we were monogamous and he was online for all to see I had to talk about it again.
My guess is that he went cold because he doesn't think he measures up to the actor or actors in the video.
And now that he has proof positive that you know what's out there, he doesn't think you will ever see him as the man he needs to be in your eyes.
This is a problem for many men, and IMO is getting worse as pornography becomes ever more ubiquitous and inescapable, but it's always been bad. You're too young to remember this, but Masters and Johnson, the great pioneers in the study of human sexuality and in the treatment of "human sexual inadequacy", actually tried to promulgate the myth that apparent differences in size pretty much disappeared in the erect state, even though they must without a doubt have known it wasn't true, and I think they did that because they knew how much trouble the truth causes for many men.
I believe it's possible to overcome the attitudes I'm attributing to him, and the fact that he is more able to respond when you share your vulnerabilities seems like a good sign.
posted by jamjam at 2:58 AM on July 6, 2021 [1 favorite]
This transpired weeks later into it becoming cold, and any mention of sex sometimes seems to be offensive. He said that his ex and he started their relationship this way and it became long-distance for a year, but it eventually faded out which hurt him and he found out his ex was texting pictures to others a lot more and not to him and he has some triggers around it. He and his ex-had adult Twitter accounts of themselves and had lots of pictures and videos of themselves either alone or together, which they only made in the last year (of 5 years) to try and keep things exciting and help with his self-confidence. I was a bit triggered by it too and he agreed to make it private> we had another conversation about it later cause he said he wasnât using it anymore, but the fact that we were monogamous and he was online for all to see I had to talk about it again.
My guess is that he went cold because he doesn't think he measures up to the actor or actors in the video.
And now that he has proof positive that you know what's out there, he doesn't think you will ever see him as the man he needs to be in your eyes.
This is a problem for many men, and IMO is getting worse as pornography becomes ever more ubiquitous and inescapable, but it's always been bad. You're too young to remember this, but Masters and Johnson, the great pioneers in the study of human sexuality and in the treatment of "human sexual inadequacy", actually tried to promulgate the myth that apparent differences in size pretty much disappeared in the erect state, even though they must without a doubt have known it wasn't true, and I think they did that because they knew how much trouble the truth causes for many men.
I believe it's possible to overcome the attitudes I'm attributing to him, and the fact that he is more able to respond when you share your vulnerabilities seems like a good sign.
posted by jamjam at 2:58 AM on July 6, 2021 [1 favorite]
The sexual incompatibility is being addressed by others, and I agree with answers that highlight the first few months often being a sexual high point in the course of relationships.
I wanted to address a different angle of your question.
In my experience after a difficult breakup with former lovers itâs not good to consider your ability to talk in extended detail about your former relationshipsâ triggers with your new lover as a sign of âgreat communicationâ overall. Much of your post is relating how much you navigate your current relationship via your past. It makes sense to think about how you got to where you are, of course. But itâs a form of sidestepping, pseudo conflict youâre both doing in order to have this relationship. To me youâre disguising real issues by framing incompatibility as remnants or echoes of former lovesâ disappointments, traumas or patterns. Therefore, the âfreightâ is the problem, not the problem itself. If only you werenât âcontrollingâ and âvigilantâ because of your ex, so if only his ex wasnât âcontrollingâ etc you wouldnât care about the porn, the onlyfans, the very averted sexual gaze from you? If only your ex hadnât cheated on you, you wouldnât be bothered by your current lover masturbating on camera for others and not having sex with you?
You donât have to have an ex of any particular persuasion to want what you want *now* and neither does he. Having the âwell my ex left this indelible scar around X therefore I canât handle Yâ is preventing you from saying âIâm looking for X, eg romantic availabilityâ I want Y, eg regular, satisfying sexâ and going out and looking for it.
Talk about your ex with your therapist. Talk to yourself about how, perhaps, this person is a transition vehicle for lingering on your ex and not a long term lover.
posted by honey-barbara at 3:04 AM on July 6, 2021 [26 favorites]
I wanted to address a different angle of your question.
In my experience after a difficult breakup with former lovers itâs not good to consider your ability to talk in extended detail about your former relationshipsâ triggers with your new lover as a sign of âgreat communicationâ overall. Much of your post is relating how much you navigate your current relationship via your past. It makes sense to think about how you got to where you are, of course. But itâs a form of sidestepping, pseudo conflict youâre both doing in order to have this relationship. To me youâre disguising real issues by framing incompatibility as remnants or echoes of former lovesâ disappointments, traumas or patterns. Therefore, the âfreightâ is the problem, not the problem itself. If only you werenât âcontrollingâ and âvigilantâ because of your ex, so if only his ex wasnât âcontrollingâ etc you wouldnât care about the porn, the onlyfans, the very averted sexual gaze from you? If only your ex hadnât cheated on you, you wouldnât be bothered by your current lover masturbating on camera for others and not having sex with you?
You donât have to have an ex of any particular persuasion to want what you want *now* and neither does he. Having the âwell my ex left this indelible scar around X therefore I canât handle Yâ is preventing you from saying âIâm looking for X, eg romantic availabilityâ I want Y, eg regular, satisfying sexâ and going out and looking for it.
Talk about your ex with your therapist. Talk to yourself about how, perhaps, this person is a transition vehicle for lingering on your ex and not a long term lover.
posted by honey-barbara at 3:04 AM on July 6, 2021 [26 favorites]
Ok, gonna be blunt. This whole deal seems like almost a type of trauma bonding between you two and you both might benefit from therapy. It's just a lot to sort out on your own. I'd def think about taking a break from this guy and making it clear to yourself what *you* want from a relationship and unpack some of that baggage solo. It just seems like you're twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to figure him out in essentially the easiest part of the relationship (the beginning) and that is kinda wild.
posted by speakeasy at 3:05 AM on July 6, 2021 [10 favorites]
posted by speakeasy at 3:05 AM on July 6, 2021 [10 favorites]
Any new relationship that generates this much stress--and requires this many words to formulate your Ask--is doomed. You should cut your losses now rather than letting this fester for months or, goddess forfend, years.
OP, as is often the case with relationship asks, I fear you aren't going to take advice that you should leave the relationship. But even if you don't leave now, at least find an outlet for these feelings, such as therapy, journaling, or intensive exercise. Because these feelings aren't going to be resolved by sharing them with him.
But really, you should leave this relationship.
posted by Flock of Cynthiabirds at 4:34 AM on July 6, 2021 [6 favorites]
OP, as is often the case with relationship asks, I fear you aren't going to take advice that you should leave the relationship. But even if you don't leave now, at least find an outlet for these feelings, such as therapy, journaling, or intensive exercise. Because these feelings aren't going to be resolved by sharing them with him.
But really, you should leave this relationship.
posted by Flock of Cynthiabirds at 4:34 AM on July 6, 2021 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you for all the comments. There are a lot of âNeither of you are right or wrongâ but its not going to work. Maybe I wasnât clear, but he agrees his performance issues and porn addiction are a problem and does want to address it, all he keeps saying is we will get through this. He is NOT making videos for others, he has deleted them all and agreed never to do that.
Other feedback I have has been a lot more positive. Yes his porn addiction is impacting our relationship, but if he wants to overcome it, thereâs no reason why I canât support him along that journey. We may be in different places right now in terms of what turns us on and our needs - but as a result of these past relationships and situations, weâve also shown that we can adapt to things. We are both explicitly stating a desire/intention/willingness to move towards where the other is at. If we both follow through on that with ongoing communication and gradual behaviour changes then I can definitely imagine us creating more and more overlap in our comfort zones in which to enjoy a mutually fulfilling sex life for both of us. I know iâm definitely on the needy side at the start of a relationship and have always moved past it. I posted this exact same question here in Sep 2013 and got the exact same answers, and we worked through it. That relationship ended several years later because my kidneys failed and I became really unwell needing a transplant and he wasnât willing to be a carer for me (This period was also a stage for me where I had a low sex drive for a long time, so i know i might be in this position in the future again, and will need support and understanding).
I know other people who have experienced this have got past it by seeing their partner with deep compassion, which is what he is doing with me. I believe I am in a position to be able to support his journey of healing as I work on myself and share my journey with him. Yes, I have arranged counseling with a relationship specialist, and he has CBT. There may be highs and lows as we go through the process, but wonât that make the relationship stronger? I feel like my voice is being heard and validated by him and I only expressed these concerns to him in full in the last couple of days, so I do feel like I should give it some time, which doesnt mean i am not conscious of all your advice.
A friend suggested that his take on me needing sex for a connection is a bit of a diversion from him, that sex acts are clearly important to his daily experience, itâs his own issues with intimacy and maybe self-judgment for having so desensitized himself with so much masturbation. That he can come to see sex is a normal part of growing an intimate life for people⌠and Iâm not asking for him to have sex with me several times a day, every day so surely there will be a middle ground somewhere?
I disagree that itâs definitely a red flag, Iâve been through death grip and porn addiction myself when I was younger and got through it, and part of the reason he failed was telling him just to edge and not to come, which he had been trying for me. I feel like when I say I have a golden ticket and a red flag at the same time it really just means I have to take my time to figure out what it means to me, how much am I willing to compromise as I wait for him to find a new relationship to his sexuality that is less shadowed by his trauma etc. He is actively working on it, so why shouldnât I?
Okay, I agree that maybe he doesnât truly see the problem, and sometimes people who are great communicators are also masterful at hiding from themselves and obscuring what is really happening for them. But that will come out in time, and if he is such a golden ticket communicator he should be aware that how he responds to those things relates to my sense of feeling desired and connected.
I have always ended relationships where Iâm not happy in the end and I never regret it for it has always built my character. I forgive those who have done me wrong, I always give people a second chance. My guiding principle is mercy and not revenge, but i certainly wont stay in a bad relationship for long or without communicating how I feel.
I wouldnât have been in this group for over a decade and taken on a lot of personal growth if I didnât understand the value of or take on board the feedback I get, so thank you I do appreciate the negative comments :)
posted by krisb1701d at 6:45 AM on July 6, 2021
Other feedback I have has been a lot more positive. Yes his porn addiction is impacting our relationship, but if he wants to overcome it, thereâs no reason why I canât support him along that journey. We may be in different places right now in terms of what turns us on and our needs - but as a result of these past relationships and situations, weâve also shown that we can adapt to things. We are both explicitly stating a desire/intention/willingness to move towards where the other is at. If we both follow through on that with ongoing communication and gradual behaviour changes then I can definitely imagine us creating more and more overlap in our comfort zones in which to enjoy a mutually fulfilling sex life for both of us. I know iâm definitely on the needy side at the start of a relationship and have always moved past it. I posted this exact same question here in Sep 2013 and got the exact same answers, and we worked through it. That relationship ended several years later because my kidneys failed and I became really unwell needing a transplant and he wasnât willing to be a carer for me (This period was also a stage for me where I had a low sex drive for a long time, so i know i might be in this position in the future again, and will need support and understanding).
I know other people who have experienced this have got past it by seeing their partner with deep compassion, which is what he is doing with me. I believe I am in a position to be able to support his journey of healing as I work on myself and share my journey with him. Yes, I have arranged counseling with a relationship specialist, and he has CBT. There may be highs and lows as we go through the process, but wonât that make the relationship stronger? I feel like my voice is being heard and validated by him and I only expressed these concerns to him in full in the last couple of days, so I do feel like I should give it some time, which doesnt mean i am not conscious of all your advice.
A friend suggested that his take on me needing sex for a connection is a bit of a diversion from him, that sex acts are clearly important to his daily experience, itâs his own issues with intimacy and maybe self-judgment for having so desensitized himself with so much masturbation. That he can come to see sex is a normal part of growing an intimate life for people⌠and Iâm not asking for him to have sex with me several times a day, every day so surely there will be a middle ground somewhere?
I disagree that itâs definitely a red flag, Iâve been through death grip and porn addiction myself when I was younger and got through it, and part of the reason he failed was telling him just to edge and not to come, which he had been trying for me. I feel like when I say I have a golden ticket and a red flag at the same time it really just means I have to take my time to figure out what it means to me, how much am I willing to compromise as I wait for him to find a new relationship to his sexuality that is less shadowed by his trauma etc. He is actively working on it, so why shouldnât I?
Okay, I agree that maybe he doesnât truly see the problem, and sometimes people who are great communicators are also masterful at hiding from themselves and obscuring what is really happening for them. But that will come out in time, and if he is such a golden ticket communicator he should be aware that how he responds to those things relates to my sense of feeling desired and connected.
I have always ended relationships where Iâm not happy in the end and I never regret it for it has always built my character. I forgive those who have done me wrong, I always give people a second chance. My guiding principle is mercy and not revenge, but i certainly wont stay in a bad relationship for long or without communicating how I feel.
I wouldnât have been in this group for over a decade and taken on a lot of personal growth if I didnât understand the value of or take on board the feedback I get, so thank you I do appreciate the negative comments :)
posted by krisb1701d at 6:45 AM on July 6, 2021
we kind of fell for each other bonding over the pain we had been through
Trauma bonding over how shitty your last relationship was is not how a healthy new relationship starts.
if itâs my problem or his
This actually doesnt matter btw. No one has to be at fault if you're not compatible with each other.
He assures me this is not the case and is because he feels more connected to me when I share my vulnerabilitie
This sounds weirdly manipulative *of him*. Only having sex when your partner is vocally upset about the lack of it? No thank you.
he does not want me to feel that way and wants to do anything to help us get to a place where we have a good sex life
Except, like, actually doing anything differently?
Is it wrong for me to feel that his drop in sexual activity and low sexual desire results from the recent/ frequent masturbation or even for feeling like his masturbation is part of the problem?
You are not wrong for drawing an obvious and logical conclusion from the evidence in front of you.
He has suggested that I am overly concerned with sex being part of a good connection and that I need to work on why Iâm feeling rejected around sex
If someone said this to me, I would dump them on the spot. Sex is important to most people, and an important part of an intimate relationship. You do not need to 'work on why you feel rejected'. You know why. His statement is really manipulative and controlling.
asks that I give him time to work through his issues around how healthy sex life should look
This is something he should have worked out on his own before getting into a serious relationship. It is not your burden to hang out unfulfilled while he sorts out his trauma.
Is this a golden ticket or a red flag?
It's a golden ticket to not getting the sex you want, that's for sure. And since that's a problem for you (which is normal!), that means it's a red flag.
he's been brilliant about talking through it
What difference does it make if he is?its not solving the problem. Telling you that you need to rearrange your entire view of intimacy is not 'brilliant'. You're unhappy and he seems unwilling to change anything.
You need to stop trying to force this into a shape it is not. You are not compatible. He isnt the only dude out there with his positive qualities. Go find one that has them AND wants to go at it like rabbits.
posted by ananci at 6:48 AM on July 6, 2021 [15 favorites]
Trauma bonding over how shitty your last relationship was is not how a healthy new relationship starts.
if itâs my problem or his
This actually doesnt matter btw. No one has to be at fault if you're not compatible with each other.
He assures me this is not the case and is because he feels more connected to me when I share my vulnerabilitie
This sounds weirdly manipulative *of him*. Only having sex when your partner is vocally upset about the lack of it? No thank you.
he does not want me to feel that way and wants to do anything to help us get to a place where we have a good sex life
Except, like, actually doing anything differently?
Is it wrong for me to feel that his drop in sexual activity and low sexual desire results from the recent/ frequent masturbation or even for feeling like his masturbation is part of the problem?
You are not wrong for drawing an obvious and logical conclusion from the evidence in front of you.
He has suggested that I am overly concerned with sex being part of a good connection and that I need to work on why Iâm feeling rejected around sex
If someone said this to me, I would dump them on the spot. Sex is important to most people, and an important part of an intimate relationship. You do not need to 'work on why you feel rejected'. You know why. His statement is really manipulative and controlling.
asks that I give him time to work through his issues around how healthy sex life should look
This is something he should have worked out on his own before getting into a serious relationship. It is not your burden to hang out unfulfilled while he sorts out his trauma.
Is this a golden ticket or a red flag?
It's a golden ticket to not getting the sex you want, that's for sure. And since that's a problem for you (which is normal!), that means it's a red flag.
he's been brilliant about talking through it
What difference does it make if he is?its not solving the problem. Telling you that you need to rearrange your entire view of intimacy is not 'brilliant'. You're unhappy and he seems unwilling to change anything.
You need to stop trying to force this into a shape it is not. You are not compatible. He isnt the only dude out there with his positive qualities. Go find one that has them AND wants to go at it like rabbits.
posted by ananci at 6:48 AM on July 6, 2021 [15 favorites]
What if you found a partner who both wanted to have sex with you and cared for you when you were ill instead of spending years of your life locked into a pattern you have already tried that did not work out?
posted by phunniemee at 7:22 AM on July 6, 2021 [9 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 7:22 AM on July 6, 2021 [9 favorites]
I disagree that itâs definitely a red flag
Erm. Your post specifically asked "Is this a golden ticket or a red flag?" Why ask mefites to tell you whether they think it's A or B when you are so certain it's A?
People who have told you to get out of the relationship are not making "negative" comments. It's not "negative" just because it's not what you apparently prefer to hear.
You're expending So. Much. Energy. on a relationship that simply doesn't work. Imagine what could happen if you throw this amount of energy into an actually promising relationship!
posted by Flock of Cynthiabirds at 10:01 AM on July 6, 2021 [13 favorites]
Erm. Your post specifically asked "Is this a golden ticket or a red flag?" Why ask mefites to tell you whether they think it's A or B when you are so certain it's A?
People who have told you to get out of the relationship are not making "negative" comments. It's not "negative" just because it's not what you apparently prefer to hear.
You're expending So. Much. Energy. on a relationship that simply doesn't work. Imagine what could happen if you throw this amount of energy into an actually promising relationship!
posted by Flock of Cynthiabirds at 10:01 AM on July 6, 2021 [13 favorites]
Okay, I agree that maybe he doesnât truly see the problem, and sometimes people who are great communicators are also masterful at hiding from themselves and obscuring what is really happening for them. But that will come out in time, and if he is such a golden ticket communicator he should be aware that how he responds to those things relates to my sense of feeling desired and connected.
Eh, that doesn't make any sense. If he's able to hide from himself through being a great communicator then why would being a great communicator also eventually make him aware of himself?
While I agree with the overall consensus here, since you seem very resistant to breaking up - why can't he somehow be involved when you want sex but he doesn't want to do PIV? Why can't he participate in your masturbation somehow? You both seem fairly narrow in your approach to what "counts" as sex.
posted by coffeecat at 10:05 AM on July 6, 2021
Eh, that doesn't make any sense. If he's able to hide from himself through being a great communicator then why would being a great communicator also eventually make him aware of himself?
While I agree with the overall consensus here, since you seem very resistant to breaking up - why can't he somehow be involved when you want sex but he doesn't want to do PIV? Why can't he participate in your masturbation somehow? You both seem fairly narrow in your approach to what "counts" as sex.
posted by coffeecat at 10:05 AM on July 6, 2021
For a majority of my life, I thought romantic relationships were inherently hard, messy and emotionally taxing.
Then I met someone who was easy for me to be with. I don't think he would be easy for just any person to be with, and it's not perfect every day, but he's a a good fit for me. We get each other and generally can meet each other's physical, psychological and emotional needs without extra effort on either side. It's great, and even more, it's a RELIEF, because the other way was exhausting and, IMO, worse than being alone.
Based on your follow up, it sounds like your mind is made up to stay in this, and if that's what you want to do, go for it! Your choice, your life. But you should be aware that, even if you have wounds and baggage, relationships don't have to involve feeling triggered, rejected or insecure. It's possible for a relationship to be a positive force in your life even if you've had a bad go of it, because truth be told most of us have had a bad go of it at some point. The key is to find someone who doesn't poke at your wounds, even unintentionally, because otherwise your wounds won't heal.
My opinion - this situation sounds very "pokey."
posted by amycup at 10:38 AM on July 6, 2021 [8 favorites]
Then I met someone who was easy for me to be with. I don't think he would be easy for just any person to be with, and it's not perfect every day, but he's a a good fit for me. We get each other and generally can meet each other's physical, psychological and emotional needs without extra effort on either side. It's great, and even more, it's a RELIEF, because the other way was exhausting and, IMO, worse than being alone.
Based on your follow up, it sounds like your mind is made up to stay in this, and if that's what you want to do, go for it! Your choice, your life. But you should be aware that, even if you have wounds and baggage, relationships don't have to involve feeling triggered, rejected or insecure. It's possible for a relationship to be a positive force in your life even if you've had a bad go of it, because truth be told most of us have had a bad go of it at some point. The key is to find someone who doesn't poke at your wounds, even unintentionally, because otherwise your wounds won't heal.
My opinion - this situation sounds very "pokey."
posted by amycup at 10:38 AM on July 6, 2021 [8 favorites]
I've written before on MeFi about how sometimes questions really resonate strongly with one of the five stages of grief.
You're bargaining like crazy.
This is the wrong fit for you. He may have many wonderful traits but he can't give you the nourishing sexual connection that you desperately want in a romantic relationship.
You're going to have to go through some sadness before you accept that this isn't the relationship you had really, really wanted it to be. The sooner you start, the sooner you'll get to acceptance.
posted by Sublimity at 11:05 AM on July 6, 2021 [11 favorites]
You're bargaining like crazy.
This is the wrong fit for you. He may have many wonderful traits but he can't give you the nourishing sexual connection that you desperately want in a romantic relationship.
You're going to have to go through some sadness before you accept that this isn't the relationship you had really, really wanted it to be. The sooner you start, the sooner you'll get to acceptance.
posted by Sublimity at 11:05 AM on July 6, 2021 [11 favorites]
Amycup's point about being with someone who does or doesn't "poke" at your old wounds is an important one. It's very common, when we have some type of trauma history or past dysfunctional relationships, to gravitate towards people whose personalities or trauma histories poke at our old wounds. We kind of know what to do with them and what being with someone like them feels like. It can feel like progress in the sense of, "Well, this isn't as bad as with my ex!" even if the effect on you is that you feel rejected, disrespected, pressured, etc. What you're describing here is a relationship in which he seems to be "poking" your cheating-related trauma because of his low sex drive/closed-off-ness with you and his higher sex drive in the context of his porn/masturbation habits, and it's possible you're "poking" his controlling-ex-related trauma by approaching this sexual mismatch as a problem to solve.
posted by theotherdurassister at 1:06 PM on July 6, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by theotherdurassister at 1:06 PM on July 6, 2021 [1 favorite]
Oh my. You've been dating a "couple" of months. Do you really mean all this is happening in the first two months?
There are a few gigantic, waving red flags for me: you bonded over extended discussions of your last relationships; when you raise issues around sex, you hear more and more and more about the ex and their relationship, and it's not so much about him and you. He is also way too dismissive of your very legitimate concerns and questions.
Here's another red flag: a person who describes their former partner as all bad and themselves as the victim. "For him, his ex was very controlling and cheated a lot, and kind of forced them into an open relationship after a few years and ultimately abandoned him for someone else, whilst he was devoted to his ex, left his career and family to move here (where I am) to be with him, and currently has no real help or connections here."
Yes, some people are legitimately awful people. But then why did he marry her? Was she really all good until she somehow turned bad? As he describes it, he was a saint, dedicated to a woman who was controlling and cheated on him. You know what I wonder? I'm wondering if his ex was also a woman who wanted to have sex with her partner who didn't want to have sex with her, and he tried to shame her for it, and so then she started to have sex outside of the relationship, and then she got away from his manipulation and and realized how unhealthy their relationship was, so she left him for a better relationship. By painting himself as a devoted partner and her as a cheating, controlling woman, he avoids taking any responsibility for what happened in the relationship and how his behaviors might also have been a problem.
These behaviors that he says are adaptations to his old relationship could be behaviors that were present in that relationship and were a big part of the problem. The "truth" of that relationship doesn't really matter, except that I would be very careful about doing so much emotional labor around his former relationship when you are so early in your own.
These early days should be easy and hot and fun. Yes, we all have baggage, and it's okay that sometimes, in a context of a relationship, we discuss former relationships and maybe some poor behavior patterns we learned in them. But I don't think it's super healthy when they're a huge focus of the relationship, or even when they become an excuse for certain behaviors. I'm worried that he's using you as a pseudo-therapist.
I really don't like that he's shaming you for having a sex drive and wanting sex.
It's okay to want a good sexual connection in a relationship! It's okay to want to be wanted by your partner. It's okay to prioritize a good sexual connection. I hear you apologizing for wanting to have sex with your new partner, and I want better for you.
I once dated a guy and some questionable, possibly controlling behavior was becoming clear in about the first month. My therapist said I was lucky, because "those things usually take three months to become more obvious." It's so much easier to end relationships before you are more committed, more attached, more invested.
You can't fix this guy, either his relationship with porn or his inability to move past his old relationship. There are people better suited for you in this world, I promise. I really want you to end this relationship now. I really want you to continue doing good work to understand yourself, and find someone to date who is doing the same, and who is excited to have sex with you.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:15 PM on July 6, 2021 [4 favorites]
There are a few gigantic, waving red flags for me: you bonded over extended discussions of your last relationships; when you raise issues around sex, you hear more and more and more about the ex and their relationship, and it's not so much about him and you. He is also way too dismissive of your very legitimate concerns and questions.
Here's another red flag: a person who describes their former partner as all bad and themselves as the victim. "For him, his ex was very controlling and cheated a lot, and kind of forced them into an open relationship after a few years and ultimately abandoned him for someone else, whilst he was devoted to his ex, left his career and family to move here (where I am) to be with him, and currently has no real help or connections here."
Yes, some people are legitimately awful people. But then why did he marry her? Was she really all good until she somehow turned bad? As he describes it, he was a saint, dedicated to a woman who was controlling and cheated on him. You know what I wonder? I'm wondering if his ex was also a woman who wanted to have sex with her partner who didn't want to have sex with her, and he tried to shame her for it, and so then she started to have sex outside of the relationship, and then she got away from his manipulation and and realized how unhealthy their relationship was, so she left him for a better relationship. By painting himself as a devoted partner and her as a cheating, controlling woman, he avoids taking any responsibility for what happened in the relationship and how his behaviors might also have been a problem.
These behaviors that he says are adaptations to his old relationship could be behaviors that were present in that relationship and were a big part of the problem. The "truth" of that relationship doesn't really matter, except that I would be very careful about doing so much emotional labor around his former relationship when you are so early in your own.
These early days should be easy and hot and fun. Yes, we all have baggage, and it's okay that sometimes, in a context of a relationship, we discuss former relationships and maybe some poor behavior patterns we learned in them. But I don't think it's super healthy when they're a huge focus of the relationship, or even when they become an excuse for certain behaviors. I'm worried that he's using you as a pseudo-therapist.
I really don't like that he's shaming you for having a sex drive and wanting sex.
It's okay to want a good sexual connection in a relationship! It's okay to want to be wanted by your partner. It's okay to prioritize a good sexual connection. I hear you apologizing for wanting to have sex with your new partner, and I want better for you.
I once dated a guy and some questionable, possibly controlling behavior was becoming clear in about the first month. My therapist said I was lucky, because "those things usually take three months to become more obvious." It's so much easier to end relationships before you are more committed, more attached, more invested.
You can't fix this guy, either his relationship with porn or his inability to move past his old relationship. There are people better suited for you in this world, I promise. I really want you to end this relationship now. I really want you to continue doing good work to understand yourself, and find someone to date who is doing the same, and who is excited to have sex with you.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:15 PM on July 6, 2021 [4 favorites]
Wait, he "said he just didn't like videos and pictures that he would rather the in-person experience" but then spends his whole time watching porn and using adult social media accounts? How does that work?
Find someone else. If someone isn't that interested in sex in the first two months, it is only going to get worse.
posted by tillsbury at 8:01 PM on July 6, 2021 [1 favorite]
Find someone else. If someone isn't that interested in sex in the first two months, it is only going to get worse.
posted by tillsbury at 8:01 PM on July 6, 2021 [1 favorite]
You say that your partner felt really controlled, around sex, by his last partner. He may be willing to change for you, but will it be good for him?
It seems like there's a lot around sex where you're both having a hard time with each other. If you do want to keep working on this, it might help to have the feedback and accountability of couple's therapy. To me it seems odd to need that so early in a relationship, but if feels better then breaking up, why not. Just remember that you're both trying to get to a place where you're happy and not making things harder for each other.
posted by blueberry monster at 4:48 PM on July 11, 2021
It seems like there's a lot around sex where you're both having a hard time with each other. If you do want to keep working on this, it might help to have the feedback and accountability of couple's therapy. To me it seems odd to need that so early in a relationship, but if feels better then breaking up, why not. Just remember that you're both trying to get to a place where you're happy and not making things harder for each other.
posted by blueberry monster at 4:48 PM on July 11, 2021
This thread is closed to new comments.
Everything you want is totally normal.
Everything he wants is also totally normal.
It's not about one of you being right or wrong, or changing.
You're just not a fit.
You're not matching in terms of frequency of sex, style of sex, how you like to discuss sex, sex acts that feel good, what sex does for you as a couple, or what sex does for each of you as individuals. That's a lot.
I think you should cut your losses and move on.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:34 PM on July 5, 2021 [35 favorites]