Is it wrong to take a hiatus from a friend that is mentally unwell?
June 19, 2021 10:08 AM
I have a friend that has been battling mental health issues, which have resulted in physical health issues over the years. I am offering a lot of advice, guidance, and encouraging my friend to seek professional therapy as well as reaching out to her doctor/nurse for mental health support. This friend is also frustrating their family and other friends that I know as well.
Yet, my friend has not been putting a lot of effort into seeking help and wanting to change, to see improvement. She has a difficult time adapting to change. I think talking about it a lot with my friend is a bit draining and I think I need to take a step back. Yet, how do I not offend my friend by wanting to distance myself from them until they are doing better? Is it okay to take a hiatus from a friendship under these circumstances?
Yet, my friend has not been putting a lot of effort into seeking help and wanting to change, to see improvement. She has a difficult time adapting to change. I think talking about it a lot with my friend is a bit draining and I think I need to take a step back. Yet, how do I not offend my friend by wanting to distance myself from them until they are doing better? Is it okay to take a hiatus from a friendship under these circumstances?
@the otter lady - all I have been trying to do is encourage my friend to talk to a therapist, their doctor, or a nurse about their issues - no actual sounding medical advice but to seek help.
posted by RearWindow at 10:23 AM on June 19, 2021
posted by RearWindow at 10:23 AM on June 19, 2021
I know, I'm not saying that you are doing anything wrong, but you could phrase it to the friend that you need to step back because you are concerned that you are doing something wrong. I'm sorry that it sounded accusatory; basically, I myself have been your friend, and this is the approach that finally woke me up to stop dumping on my friends and get professional help.
posted by The otter lady at 10:29 AM on June 19, 2021
posted by The otter lady at 10:29 AM on June 19, 2021
Has your friend asked for advice? If not, maybe just try hanging out with them doing anything you'd do with that friend if they weren't having these challenges.
posted by QuakerMel at 10:34 AM on June 19, 2021
posted by QuakerMel at 10:34 AM on June 19, 2021
Also, to answer the actual question, of course it is ok to step back! You have done all you can and it's not working, she needs to take responsibility for her own health. You're not her parent; as a friend, you've been more than excellent, but you are absolutely allowed to set some boundaries for your own health, and doing so may help her get something done. It's easy to whine and vent and feel better, but when that outlet is gone, especially if people you care about are saying they're worried and you should get a doctor, you have more motivation to find a solution.
posted by The otter lady at 10:36 AM on June 19, 2021
posted by The otter lady at 10:36 AM on June 19, 2021
Years ago a friend of mine wrote me a letter (which actually prompted me to seek successful therapy) which basically said, "Friend, I value your company very much but I cannot be your therapist. You are obviously in distress and need to seek someone who can really help you. I'm glad to be here for you and spend time with you but I can't be your sounding board about this stuff anymore".
I felt a bit embarrassed to receive the letter but honestly it's not like I had never noticed that I was pretty anxious and could only talk about the subjects of my anxiety.
You can do a slow fade with your friend, of course, but another option - if you friend is in a place to hear it - is to say "let's spend some time talking about other stuff, I really like to talk to you about [light historical romance, turtle raising, chartered accountancy, etc]".
posted by Frowner at 10:44 AM on June 19, 2021
I felt a bit embarrassed to receive the letter but honestly it's not like I had never noticed that I was pretty anxious and could only talk about the subjects of my anxiety.
You can do a slow fade with your friend, of course, but another option - if you friend is in a place to hear it - is to say "let's spend some time talking about other stuff, I really like to talk to you about [light historical romance, turtle raising, chartered accountancy, etc]".
posted by Frowner at 10:44 AM on June 19, 2021
If you want me to shut up because I'm being a whining navel gazer and driving you up the wall, I am personally fine with that. I've had people do to me like what happened to Frowner, and I shut up around those people. I'd rather not offend them and I know I'm a whining useless git who never does anything and it's annoying.
That said, I don't know if your friend can take that level of blunt honesty. If not, then I think it's fine to slow fade, or not reach out to her and only respond when she contacts you, and to try to do your best to change the subject. Or at least say that you're really not able to help her in the ways that she needs help.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:58 AM on June 19, 2021
That said, I don't know if your friend can take that level of blunt honesty. If not, then I think it's fine to slow fade, or not reach out to her and only respond when she contacts you, and to try to do your best to change the subject. Or at least say that you're really not able to help her in the ways that she needs help.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:58 AM on June 19, 2021
I could maybe be your friend. I have been struggling a lot the last few years, and I’ve had friends do the slow fade. And I’ve had friends out right say they can’t handle being around me right now if I “won’t help myself”. The thing is, I’ve been trying really hard to actually help myself. Engaging with therapists, engaging with support programs. It’s just really damn hard to navigate when you are unwell, and losing those friends makes it all the more difficult and isolating.
One thing that I have noticed is a lot of the friends that have dropped off or done the slow fade and those that believe I should do things a certain way. Either because they are not in the same situation or don’t struggle with the same disorders. A lot of friends who are from upper middle-class backgrounds don’t seem to understand how mentally taxing dealing with these issues is and believe they would be a clear mind and I believe they would be in the same circumstances. What ended up happening is they will give advice which really is not appropriate to my situation, and then get offended if I don’t follow that advice. At first I was less likely to say no I’m sorry that’s not something I can do, or something that will work for me. I’ve gotten a little bolder about saying that, and that’s actually ended up working a little better. I think some of it as well as just a frustration with seeing me struggle and not being able to do anything about it - friends who maybe had more codependent traits were the first to really fall away. What’s hard is the friendships I thought were ride or die, the ones I would have dropped anything to help, and had at times. Realizing they didn’t feel the same way sucked.
The friends that have remained are those that have been willing to be there and be supportive and say “hey I’m really sorry you’re going through this, let’s go do something and get your mind off of it.” Without feeling the need to impose their view of how I should handle things, or recognize why their advice might be good but it’s something that I am either incapable of doing or isn’t appropriate to me. Or is but i can’t see it. But those friends also still keep in touch and treat things like going out as a normal occurrence. A vent about frustration over whatever my current crisis is isn’t met with a look of pity or go into emergency problem solving mode. Or worse, not sure what to say. It’s met with “oh that sounds really tough”
And it’s exactly what I need to hear. They recognize that just like people need to decompress from stressful work or family situation that I need to decompress from stressful life and health situations I deal with every day.
It isn’t your job to maintain a friendship that is draining or difficult, but I do suggest you think about your friendship and what it means to you, as your absence may end up having a bigger deleterious effect on your friend. It’s hard when things get bad. Harder when friends aren’t supportive.
I went through a period where I wasn’t doing the right things either, was avoiding therapy and not doing great on taking care of my body. I wasn’t capable. Feeling isolated made it much worse and much harder to do something about it.
I don’t think you should give more than you are capable of, I just wanted to offer an idea of what the other side might look like.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 11:22 AM on June 19, 2021
One thing that I have noticed is a lot of the friends that have dropped off or done the slow fade and those that believe I should do things a certain way. Either because they are not in the same situation or don’t struggle with the same disorders. A lot of friends who are from upper middle-class backgrounds don’t seem to understand how mentally taxing dealing with these issues is and believe they would be a clear mind and I believe they would be in the same circumstances. What ended up happening is they will give advice which really is not appropriate to my situation, and then get offended if I don’t follow that advice. At first I was less likely to say no I’m sorry that’s not something I can do, or something that will work for me. I’ve gotten a little bolder about saying that, and that’s actually ended up working a little better. I think some of it as well as just a frustration with seeing me struggle and not being able to do anything about it - friends who maybe had more codependent traits were the first to really fall away. What’s hard is the friendships I thought were ride or die, the ones I would have dropped anything to help, and had at times. Realizing they didn’t feel the same way sucked.
The friends that have remained are those that have been willing to be there and be supportive and say “hey I’m really sorry you’re going through this, let’s go do something and get your mind off of it.” Without feeling the need to impose their view of how I should handle things, or recognize why their advice might be good but it’s something that I am either incapable of doing or isn’t appropriate to me. Or is but i can’t see it. But those friends also still keep in touch and treat things like going out as a normal occurrence. A vent about frustration over whatever my current crisis is isn’t met with a look of pity or go into emergency problem solving mode. Or worse, not sure what to say. It’s met with “oh that sounds really tough”
And it’s exactly what I need to hear. They recognize that just like people need to decompress from stressful work or family situation that I need to decompress from stressful life and health situations I deal with every day.
It isn’t your job to maintain a friendship that is draining or difficult, but I do suggest you think about your friendship and what it means to you, as your absence may end up having a bigger deleterious effect on your friend. It’s hard when things get bad. Harder when friends aren’t supportive.
I went through a period where I wasn’t doing the right things either, was avoiding therapy and not doing great on taking care of my body. I wasn’t capable. Feeling isolated made it much worse and much harder to do something about it.
I don’t think you should give more than you are capable of, I just wanted to offer an idea of what the other side might look like.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 11:22 AM on June 19, 2021
Do you want to not see her at all, or do you want to see her but without talking about these issues? If the latter, I'd go with, "I'm happy to hang out with X frequency, but these topics are draining my mental health." And then if she DOES accidentally bring them up when you are together, say, "Not now."
If you are up for doing that, it may even be beneficial for her because it would be showing that you value her for all sorts of cool things outside of her current difficulties, which she must realize are subsuming her life.
posted by metasarah at 11:30 AM on June 19, 2021
If you are up for doing that, it may even be beneficial for her because it would be showing that you value her for all sorts of cool things outside of her current difficulties, which she must realize are subsuming her life.
posted by metasarah at 11:30 AM on June 19, 2021
Don’t put more work into someone’s well being than they do. It’s incredibly difficult and painful not to sometimes, but it’s a behavior that has always caused me and the people I was trying to help more harm in the long run, by enabling them to, among other things, not take responsibility for themselves. Help when they ask, but stop making their work your job.
posted by spindrifter at 11:43 AM on June 19, 2021
posted by spindrifter at 11:43 AM on June 19, 2021
If you see yourself as their caregiver and advisor rather than as their friend, and you can’t stop yourself from giving advice instead of just enjoying each other’s company, then it’s best for both of you that you do step back.
But I invite you to consider that what your friend may need right now is a little distraction and time off from thinking about their problems. It’s entirely possible that they’re doing as much as they can, even if that isn’t what you, from the outside, believe to be enough.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:52 PM on June 19, 2021
But I invite you to consider that what your friend may need right now is a little distraction and time off from thinking about their problems. It’s entirely possible that they’re doing as much as they can, even if that isn’t what you, from the outside, believe to be enough.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:52 PM on June 19, 2021
It is ok to be more or less close to a friend at a given time, yes. You can tell her that you can't talk about a subject very often because it distresses you, and if it's all she ever talks about, she will not be able to talk to you. but do be careful about whether you are waiting for her to "seek help" or to "be doing better," because your question slips from one to the other in a way that is somewhat worrisome. they aren't the same. if your friend wakes up tomorrow and calls a therapist, you are still probably not going to want to be around her for a while, because she won't be any different right away. so try not to say anything that could be construed as a promise to talk to her again once she "gets help" unless you are really committed to that.
& resist the urge to believe that the real problem is her not wanting to change, if the problem is actually her behavior. the idea of "putting effort into wanting" something is odd. people in your friend's situation usually have to just do a lot of things they don't want to do, repeatedly, to get anywhere, which is why it takes them so long to do it. people, even professionals, will use "you don't want to change" as an accusation or a confrontation, which is bizarre. She is in control of her will (to some degree, depending on her problems); not of her wants.
as you know, because you are in the same position, as are we all. you may have tried for a long time to want to want to be around her, but ultimately desire speaks for itself. you want what is good for her, but you also want what is healthy for you. you should trust the latter impulse, but you are very, very lucky to feel it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:03 PM on June 19, 2021
& resist the urge to believe that the real problem is her not wanting to change, if the problem is actually her behavior. the idea of "putting effort into wanting" something is odd. people in your friend's situation usually have to just do a lot of things they don't want to do, repeatedly, to get anywhere, which is why it takes them so long to do it. people, even professionals, will use "you don't want to change" as an accusation or a confrontation, which is bizarre. She is in control of her will (to some degree, depending on her problems); not of her wants.
as you know, because you are in the same position, as are we all. you may have tried for a long time to want to want to be around her, but ultimately desire speaks for itself. you want what is good for her, but you also want what is healthy for you. you should trust the latter impulse, but you are very, very lucky to feel it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:03 PM on June 19, 2021
Is it wrong to take a hiatus from a friend that is mentally unwell? Is it okay to take a hiatus from a friendship under these circumstances?
You have been a kind friend and generous with time and caring; thank you. It is fine to take care of yourself.
Friend, I'm experiencing burnout from work, Covid, politics and life in general. I'm going to need to have some time to take care of my burnout, and I have to step back from so much phone time. I urge you, again, to find a therapist who can help you. Then check in with your friend every (other) Wednesday or whenever, but text them in reply to calls that you'll be available later.
As long as this person is getting their need to talk met by your listening, they aren't seeking professional help, or real change. You've been terrific, but you are genuinely out of energy.
posted by theora55 at 6:25 PM on June 19, 2021
You have been a kind friend and generous with time and caring; thank you. It is fine to take care of yourself.
Friend, I'm experiencing burnout from work, Covid, politics and life in general. I'm going to need to have some time to take care of my burnout, and I have to step back from so much phone time. I urge you, again, to find a therapist who can help you. Then check in with your friend every (other) Wednesday or whenever, but text them in reply to calls that you'll be available later.
As long as this person is getting their need to talk met by your listening, they aren't seeking professional help, or real change. You've been terrific, but you are genuinely out of energy.
posted by theora55 at 6:25 PM on June 19, 2021
I feel for you with this question. I have a similar-sounding friendship that has endured for more than 25 years, and based on my experience, I'd say that not only is it "okay" to take a break under these circumstances, it's an essential kindness both to you and to your friend.
My friend has battled depression and anxiety for the whole time we've known each other, and has struggled with relationships because of it. The people who have managed to stay in their life are the ones who have backed off when necessary rather than letting pressure and frustration grow until the relationship snapped.
In my case, my friend and I had a breakthrough moment when I went through some difficulties of my own and had to tell them that I simply had less bandwidth and that talking about their problems all the time made me anxious. It made us both realize that they had been the "designated patient" in our relationship and that was not fair to either of us. We now have a much more equal and honest friendship, and it has definitely been worth the relatively few uncomfortable moments we've had over the years.
posted by rpfields at 2:21 PM on June 21, 2021
My friend has battled depression and anxiety for the whole time we've known each other, and has struggled with relationships because of it. The people who have managed to stay in their life are the ones who have backed off when necessary rather than letting pressure and frustration grow until the relationship snapped.
In my case, my friend and I had a breakthrough moment when I went through some difficulties of my own and had to tell them that I simply had less bandwidth and that talking about their problems all the time made me anxious. It made us both realize that they had been the "designated patient" in our relationship and that was not fair to either of us. We now have a much more equal and honest friendship, and it has definitely been worth the relatively few uncomfortable moments we've had over the years.
posted by rpfields at 2:21 PM on June 21, 2021
Is it wrong to take a hiatus from a friend that is mentally unwell?
To answer your question directly: yes, it is wrong to take a hiatus without communicating what the problem is and without giving your friend a chance to fix the issue.
If you've told your friend 3 or 4 times - directly, not beating around the bush - that you cannot be their sounding board for their issues anymore, and they still can't manage to have a different conversation or do a fun activity? Then, yeah, it's not wrong to let them know you're taking a break and unplug from them for a while.
But a lot of people tend to "avoid confrontation" and therefore do not want to directly address the problem they're having with a friend. They'd rather silently distance themselves than have an honest conversation about the issue, and justify it to themselves as "my friend should know better without me having to say anything, I'm just protecting my own mental health". To me, that is wrong. If you're friends with someone, I think you owe them an honest chance to fix the issue.
posted by MiraK at 11:39 AM on June 22, 2021
To answer your question directly: yes, it is wrong to take a hiatus without communicating what the problem is and without giving your friend a chance to fix the issue.
If you've told your friend 3 or 4 times - directly, not beating around the bush - that you cannot be their sounding board for their issues anymore, and they still can't manage to have a different conversation or do a fun activity? Then, yeah, it's not wrong to let them know you're taking a break and unplug from them for a while.
But a lot of people tend to "avoid confrontation" and therefore do not want to directly address the problem they're having with a friend. They'd rather silently distance themselves than have an honest conversation about the issue, and justify it to themselves as "my friend should know better without me having to say anything, I'm just protecting my own mental health". To me, that is wrong. If you're friends with someone, I think you owe them an honest chance to fix the issue.
posted by MiraK at 11:39 AM on June 22, 2021
This thread is closed to new comments.
This is a medical issue. You're not a professional and any advice/help you may be giving can do more harm than good. For her sake (as well as yours, for legal reasons) you need to step back and stop messing with what you aren't qualified to do. And from then on all pleas for help from her get met with "you need a doctor, and I can help you get to one, but that's all I can do, I'm sorry".
posted by The otter lady at 10:16 AM on June 19, 2021