How do I wedding guest?
June 19, 2021 9:01 AM
I am a socially awkward lady, was invited to a wedding I feel obligated to go to and am just dreading because I don’t know how to be a single woman at a wedding.
Married too young and probably managed to avoid more weddings than I should even then, I just don’t know how to “do” weddings as a guest, even moreso without a partner. Do I try to plus one with a guy friend? Can I Plus one with a girlfriend? Do I just go alone? I don’t know the bride well or the groom at all. They don’t know any of the guests well, although I will know some of them.
The bride is someone that knew my late husband well and has been very supportive of me since his death. This is why I feel as though I should go. Also selfishly, I realize that I have missed out on a lot of enjoyable social events because of being so socially awkward/anxious, and this is a great opportunity to practice being a person in the world with other people doing social things. (Covid isolation has taught me yes I need to be around people and jump at opportunities to do that!) I don’t actually hate social events, and usually relax once I’m there and can become quite outgoing. But I’ll dread going beforehand and it has often prevented me from going to them in the past.
I know some of the likely guests, but they are people my late husband worked with so it feels as if going I don’t know if I’ll have anyone I can socialize with immediately, thus wondering about a plus one.
I know it sounds like I don’t want to go, but I genuinely do. I just feel like I don’t know how to navigate the social customs and atmosphere of a wedding as a guest. I feel as though a lot of social activities that people had in their 20s I just skipped. I want to make up for lost time but I just don’t know how and a wedding is a bit more complicated than going to a bar with friends
Married too young and probably managed to avoid more weddings than I should even then, I just don’t know how to “do” weddings as a guest, even moreso without a partner. Do I try to plus one with a guy friend? Can I Plus one with a girlfriend? Do I just go alone? I don’t know the bride well or the groom at all. They don’t know any of the guests well, although I will know some of them.
The bride is someone that knew my late husband well and has been very supportive of me since his death. This is why I feel as though I should go. Also selfishly, I realize that I have missed out on a lot of enjoyable social events because of being so socially awkward/anxious, and this is a great opportunity to practice being a person in the world with other people doing social things. (Covid isolation has taught me yes I need to be around people and jump at opportunities to do that!) I don’t actually hate social events, and usually relax once I’m there and can become quite outgoing. But I’ll dread going beforehand and it has often prevented me from going to them in the past.
I know some of the likely guests, but they are people my late husband worked with so it feels as if going I don’t know if I’ll have anyone I can socialize with immediately, thus wondering about a plus one.
I know it sounds like I don’t want to go, but I genuinely do. I just feel like I don’t know how to navigate the social customs and atmosphere of a wedding as a guest. I feel as though a lot of social activities that people had in their 20s I just skipped. I want to make up for lost time but I just don’t know how and a wedding is a bit more complicated than going to a bar with friends
Hey there -
I've been a wedding guest as part of a couple, as half of a double with a guy friend as a plus-one, and as a single person, and honestly it made precisely zero difference which way I sliced it; I had fun in all cases for different reasons.
* One of the weddings I went to with a boyfriend was my best friend's and I was part of the wedding party and we brought the house down with our dancing, and there was some bridesmaid drama that he and I got to gossip about after.
* The wedding I went to with a guy friend was my brother's and it was the same guy from above (we stayed friends)so I was having fun introducing him to my whole family and we also brought the house down with our dancing and I got to have fun watching how flustered he got when my single aunt hit on him.
* The wedding I went to as a singleton was another cousin's so I thought I was going to be hanging out with my family mostly, but I ended up bonding with the groom's family and with this gay couple my cousin knew (the wedding party had this whole pre-planned thing where they did a choreographed routine to "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" and we three were cracking up over how inadvertently inappropriate that song is for a WEDDING, think about it) and also discovering that deep-fried mac-and-cheese is a thing that exists.
In short - you'll go, you'll mingle with people, and you will either get into "so what have you been up to lately" conversations with people who know you or "tell me about yourself" conversations with people you don't, and if all else fails there will either be awesome stuff about the service to talk about with people, or dorky stuff to giggle about. Wedding receptions tend to be just a couple hours long anyway, so it's a comparatively short event.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:14 AM on June 19, 2021
I've been a wedding guest as part of a couple, as half of a double with a guy friend as a plus-one, and as a single person, and honestly it made precisely zero difference which way I sliced it; I had fun in all cases for different reasons.
* One of the weddings I went to with a boyfriend was my best friend's and I was part of the wedding party and we brought the house down with our dancing, and there was some bridesmaid drama that he and I got to gossip about after.
* The wedding I went to with a guy friend was my brother's and it was the same guy from above (we stayed friends)so I was having fun introducing him to my whole family and we also brought the house down with our dancing and I got to have fun watching how flustered he got when my single aunt hit on him.
* The wedding I went to as a singleton was another cousin's so I thought I was going to be hanging out with my family mostly, but I ended up bonding with the groom's family and with this gay couple my cousin knew (the wedding party had this whole pre-planned thing where they did a choreographed routine to "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" and we three were cracking up over how inadvertently inappropriate that song is for a WEDDING, think about it) and also discovering that deep-fried mac-and-cheese is a thing that exists.
In short - you'll go, you'll mingle with people, and you will either get into "so what have you been up to lately" conversations with people who know you or "tell me about yourself" conversations with people you don't, and if all else fails there will either be awesome stuff about the service to talk about with people, or dorky stuff to giggle about. Wedding receptions tend to be just a couple hours long anyway, so it's a comparatively short event.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:14 AM on June 19, 2021
I feel your pain - I’ve been to a lot of weddings single and I think the coupled folk often don’t realise how hard it can be. I think the toughest bit can be not having a “home base”, someone to gravitate back to where you don’t have to make too much of an effort. You’re constantly either socially “on” with near strangers, or sitting alone hoping you don’t look lonesome. I’d say:
* Promise yourself you don’t have to stay all night. It takes a lot of the pressure off if you know you’re going to be able to just show your face and say hello, show them how happy you are for them, do one round of chatting to the people you vaguely know, and then slip away.
* On the occasions you do find yourself sitting alone, remember nobody is noticing you as much as you think they are, they’re all busy with their own stuff.
* YMMV but I’m quite a fan of just slipping away from social events without saying goodbye. It might feel ruder at a wedding, so you might not want to, but… if you do end up leaving fairly early it can seem rude to tell the hosts you’re leaving already, and honestly when they look back, they’re not going to remember exactly what time each individual left, especially if drink is taken. You departing early without making a big announcement about it, means it can go relatively unnoticed.
So - go for as long as you feel comfortable, practice your vague half smile into the distance and calming breathing for the times when you don’t have someone to chat to, and give yourself permission to slip away quietly when you’re done. Follow up with a note saying what a lovely time you had.
All being well, you’ll find a bunch of people who’ll take you under their wing, have a ball and stay until the end, but you have a plan for if that doesn’t happen.
posted by penguin pie at 9:27 AM on June 19, 2021
* Promise yourself you don’t have to stay all night. It takes a lot of the pressure off if you know you’re going to be able to just show your face and say hello, show them how happy you are for them, do one round of chatting to the people you vaguely know, and then slip away.
* On the occasions you do find yourself sitting alone, remember nobody is noticing you as much as you think they are, they’re all busy with their own stuff.
* YMMV but I’m quite a fan of just slipping away from social events without saying goodbye. It might feel ruder at a wedding, so you might not want to, but… if you do end up leaving fairly early it can seem rude to tell the hosts you’re leaving already, and honestly when they look back, they’re not going to remember exactly what time each individual left, especially if drink is taken. You departing early without making a big announcement about it, means it can go relatively unnoticed.
So - go for as long as you feel comfortable, practice your vague half smile into the distance and calming breathing for the times when you don’t have someone to chat to, and give yourself permission to slip away quietly when you’re done. Follow up with a note saying what a lovely time you had.
All being well, you’ll find a bunch of people who’ll take you under their wing, have a ball and stay until the end, but you have a plan for if that doesn’t happen.
posted by penguin pie at 9:27 AM on June 19, 2021
If they offered you a plus one (it should be pretty explicit on the invitation), by all means bring a friend! If they didn’t (and people often don’t when the invitee is single) you can go if you like, but you also shouldn’t feel weird about sending your regrets and a gift. I love weddings but at this point in my life I would probably not bother to attend if I didn’t know anyone very well.
posted by cakelite at 9:38 AM on June 19, 2021
posted by cakelite at 9:38 AM on June 19, 2021
The best opener is 'how do you know the bride/groom?'. You can coast all night on those conversations, if you are there alone or not. If you are, the important thing is to act as if being solo at a wedding is entirely normal, which happily it is. You might even meet another singleton to hang out with, wink wink.
Best case, you find some fun people to chat with, worst case you have a nice dinner and some cake, congratulate the happy couple, and go home.
And yes, you can have anyone you like as a plus one. Miss Manners does not demand plus ones to be exclusively paired via sexual relations to the invitee.
posted by ananci at 9:39 AM on June 19, 2021
Best case, you find some fun people to chat with, worst case you have a nice dinner and some cake, congratulate the happy couple, and go home.
And yes, you can have anyone you like as a plus one. Miss Manners does not demand plus ones to be exclusively paired via sexual relations to the invitee.
posted by ananci at 9:39 AM on June 19, 2021
One thing that makes social events more fun for me is being physically comfortable. I encourage you to do things like wear comfortable shoes so that you can easily walk around and dance, bring a snack (like a granola bar that you can sneak off to eat in the bathroom) because it can be a really long time between the service and reception, and be prepared for the weather (umbrella if necessary).
Other than that, think of yourself as being an extra in a movie. As long as you do not take attention away from the stars, you can do whatever you want.
It is hard to tell from your question, but did your invitation include a plus one? If so, feel free to bring someone, but, if not, you do not have a choice and must either go by yourself or not go at all.
Oh! Also, consider sending a present before the event rather than bringing one to the wedding. It is easier for everyone to just not deal with presents the day of the wedding.
posted by ASlackerPestersMums at 9:43 AM on June 19, 2021
Other than that, think of yourself as being an extra in a movie. As long as you do not take attention away from the stars, you can do whatever you want.
It is hard to tell from your question, but did your invitation include a plus one? If so, feel free to bring someone, but, if not, you do not have a choice and must either go by yourself or not go at all.
Oh! Also, consider sending a present before the event rather than bringing one to the wedding. It is easier for everyone to just not deal with presents the day of the wedding.
posted by ASlackerPestersMums at 9:43 AM on June 19, 2021
Just echoing above that the invitation will usually be fairly explicit if you have a plus one. (As in its addressed to you and either guest or plus one.) so you may not have to worry about rustling up someone.
Also just wanted to say: I'm a big fan of not going to weddings. There are a ton of other ways to support someone you care for. Send a card/ gift in your place and don't feel obligated to go if it'll cause you anxiety.
posted by Pretty Good Talker at 9:45 AM on June 19, 2021
Also just wanted to say: I'm a big fan of not going to weddings. There are a ton of other ways to support someone you care for. Send a card/ gift in your place and don't feel obligated to go if it'll cause you anxiety.
posted by Pretty Good Talker at 9:45 AM on June 19, 2021
As someone with a ton of social anxiety I have been at some weddings that are probably your worst case scenario (didn't know anyone, attempts at conversation-making met with distant stares and crickets, etc.) Even with those, it wasn't the end of the world; I ate nice food, congratulated the couple, and left.
Still, weddings these days have a few things going for them: you've got a built-in icebreaker topic (the pandemic!), and using phones all the time is socially acceptable, so if you're at a table where everyone is talking and you can't seem to join the conversation, you've got something to do.
Whether you can bring a friend or not (assuming you've got a plus one on the invitation) probably depends on the couple and your understanding of what kind of wedding it's going to be. I've known people who'd be delighted for their friends to bring friends, and I've known people who got really mad because they were having super fancy receptions and only wanted to pay the $X00/plate for significant others. (I think the latter reaction is bullshit, but it is a thing.)
posted by trig at 10:10 AM on June 19, 2021
Still, weddings these days have a few things going for them: you've got a built-in icebreaker topic (the pandemic!), and using phones all the time is socially acceptable, so if you're at a table where everyone is talking and you can't seem to join the conversation, you've got something to do.
Whether you can bring a friend or not (assuming you've got a plus one on the invitation) probably depends on the couple and your understanding of what kind of wedding it's going to be. I've known people who'd be delighted for their friends to bring friends, and I've known people who got really mad because they were having super fancy receptions and only wanted to pay the $X00/plate for significant others. (I think the latter reaction is bullshit, but it is a thing.)
posted by trig at 10:10 AM on June 19, 2021
If you're invited by yourself, there's a decent chance you'll be seated at a table with other singletons--i.e., people who are likely to also be looking for people to talk to.
The focus is totally on the newlyweds, so, if you do end up sitting by yourself with a drink for a while, you shouldn't worry that anyone's even noticing you.
Finally, I get myself to go to a lot of things by promising myself that I don't have to stay all night if I'm not having a good time. Once I'm there, I usually get over the hurdle of anxiety and enjoy myself. But if I don't, no biggie! I showed up (you have to show up) and gave my support. Unless you make a big fuss over it, no one will notice if you bounce a little early.
posted by praemunire at 10:12 AM on June 19, 2021
The focus is totally on the newlyweds, so, if you do end up sitting by yourself with a drink for a while, you shouldn't worry that anyone's even noticing you.
Finally, I get myself to go to a lot of things by promising myself that I don't have to stay all night if I'm not having a good time. Once I'm there, I usually get over the hurdle of anxiety and enjoy myself. But if I don't, no biggie! I showed up (you have to show up) and gave my support. Unless you make a big fuss over it, no one will notice if you bounce a little early.
posted by praemunire at 10:12 AM on June 19, 2021
I don’t think I’ve ever been to a wedding with a date. Some are fun, some are okay, some are a thing I knuckle through to support a friend. I’m driving out of state next weekend for a wedding where I will know no one but the groom. The actual event will be pretty short, so I’m 1) thinking of things that will make me enjoy the rest of the time and hassle, and 2) day of, how I can contribute to the overall goal of a nice day. So for next week, I will dress nicely and be sober and cheerful and coo at the babies and be a good sport at small talk and make every effort not to draw attention to myself, and then oh gosh, gotta return my rental by 7, congratulations again, bye!!
A thing that has been true of most weddings for me is that although you may be strangers, you are all on Team Couple together and like an audience, you are collectively rooting for the event to succeed. That energy will get you pretty far. Thinking how to blend into and contribute to the gestalt entity of Wedding Guest gives me a direction to get over the hump because I’m there to perform the function of Wedding Guest, I’m not personally important to the proceedings (for me this is a good thing.)
Also, if there’s dancing, I like dancing and you’re not really expected to talk to anyone while you’re doing it.
posted by jameaterblues at 10:43 AM on June 19, 2021
A thing that has been true of most weddings for me is that although you may be strangers, you are all on Team Couple together and like an audience, you are collectively rooting for the event to succeed. That energy will get you pretty far. Thinking how to blend into and contribute to the gestalt entity of Wedding Guest gives me a direction to get over the hump because I’m there to perform the function of Wedding Guest, I’m not personally important to the proceedings (for me this is a good thing.)
Also, if there’s dancing, I like dancing and you’re not really expected to talk to anyone while you’re doing it.
posted by jameaterblues at 10:43 AM on June 19, 2021
If you end up there alone with no plus-one and no one fun to talk to, you can set yourself a little project of taking pictures - cute moments and details that the main photog isn't taking - as a gift to share to the newlyweds afterwards. Doing that doesn't preclude you from finding someone to talk to, but it gives a framework for your time at the event, if you want one.
posted by xo at 10:44 AM on June 19, 2021
posted by xo at 10:44 AM on June 19, 2021
My rule is to always look for someone who appears to feel even more shy or out of place than me, and talk to them. I've actually had amazing convos from doing this.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 10:58 AM on June 19, 2021
posted by nouvelle-personne at 10:58 AM on June 19, 2021
If there's anything I've learned from going to the club solo but loosely attached to a group recently, it's that you can definitely find people to relate to at an event whether you're alone or with others. It helps that you'll already somewhat know a few people!
Like others have said, depending on the expectations for RSVPs and plus-ones for this particular wedding, you can probably bring a friend as your plus-one, so that can be a good way to go if it's possible. If not, though, just remember that you can go and have a ton of fun solo.
Things to do at an event when you only kind of know a few people:
You can do this! You might even make some new friends (though there is, of course, no requirement or pressure to make new friends or anything else)!
posted by limeonaire at 11:09 AM on June 19, 2021
Like others have said, depending on the expectations for RSVPs and plus-ones for this particular wedding, you can probably bring a friend as your plus-one, so that can be a good way to go if it's possible. If not, though, just remember that you can go and have a ton of fun solo.
Things to do at an event when you only kind of know a few people:
- Take pictures and video!
- Drink a reasonable amount to relax, if you drink
- Dance a lot—people are often kind about inviting solo folks into a dance circle, and as others noted, you'll probably be seated with other folks who're flying solo
- Enjoy the food and the view
- Don't worry about staying the whole time—plan to leave early, and if you're feeling it when the time comes, stay longer
- Absolutely do what nouvelle-personne suggests—folks have talked to me and invited me in to their dance circles when I was by myself and feeling anxious, and I try to pass along that energy and good grace whenever I can
- Sit down, rest, and scroll your phone when a vibe isn't great or you need a break
You can do this! You might even make some new friends (though there is, of course, no requirement or pressure to make new friends or anything else)!
posted by limeonaire at 11:09 AM on June 19, 2021
Yes, have the option to bring a guest and I need to rsvp soon, part of why I’m thinking about this. I already told the bride I would attend so no backing out now. (But I do want to go, just 😬)
posted by [insert clever name here] at 11:30 AM on June 19, 2021
posted by [insert clever name here] at 11:30 AM on June 19, 2021
Just keep in mind that you can always leave early if you start to feel too awkward. If that would be uncomfortable for you, you could think of a few excuses ahead of time to use just in case.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:57 PM on June 19, 2021
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:57 PM on June 19, 2021
Ah yes. Being trapped at a dinner table with people I don't know with tons of unstructured conversation and lots of background noise. Swell. An autistic woman's response incoming :-)
If i were in your place I would go to the ceremony by myself. Bringing a plus 1 almost requires you to stay much longer than you'll likely be comfortable with. And if you stay longer than is comfortable, the next day will likely be a wash because you'll feel drained. Your wellbeing comes first.
I might also arrive a bit late at the reception (just grab a coffee or go for a walk in the interim) and stay through the dinner course only, making sure that the bride feels the warmth and support of your presence at some point in the process. If you get asked "Oh why are you leaving so early?" "A nonprofit I volunteer for is having an emergency meeting tonight" or some such thing is an adequate cover.
IME social discomfort is not something that diminishes with time or by practicing those much vaunted social skills that everyone likes to go on about. And if anyone you run into thinks that a drink or two will make that better, steer clear of them. It's totally OK not to like big unstructured social events and to minimize your exposure.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 1:14 PM on June 19, 2021
If i were in your place I would go to the ceremony by myself. Bringing a plus 1 almost requires you to stay much longer than you'll likely be comfortable with. And if you stay longer than is comfortable, the next day will likely be a wash because you'll feel drained. Your wellbeing comes first.
I might also arrive a bit late at the reception (just grab a coffee or go for a walk in the interim) and stay through the dinner course only, making sure that the bride feels the warmth and support of your presence at some point in the process. If you get asked "Oh why are you leaving so early?" "A nonprofit I volunteer for is having an emergency meeting tonight" or some such thing is an adequate cover.
IME social discomfort is not something that diminishes with time or by practicing those much vaunted social skills that everyone likes to go on about. And if anyone you run into thinks that a drink or two will make that better, steer clear of them. It's totally OK not to like big unstructured social events and to minimize your exposure.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 1:14 PM on June 19, 2021
As a person who likes weddings, got married early (and am still married) I’ve had built in plus-one, I still feel every wedding reception has a few moments of interminable slowness and boredom.
The ideas of taking photos or video is a great one. Some of the best photos from our wedding came from guests.
Here’s my playbook for minimal-energy participation:
Go to the ceremony, be part of the timeless ritual of an entire community pledging to support an imaginary intangible connection between two souls. This is my favorite part.
If the reception is at another location, get a coffee or some other drink that’s under your control on the way over.
During the reception, make sure to congratulate the couple and express your thanks for being invited. Grab a few canapés while your waiting, they are probably equal to or better than the main meal.
Skip out whenever you want, if you skip the meal discreetly tell a head waiter your table number, and that you’re not going to be staying as you are not feeling great.
If you leave before the meal, wait a few days then email the bride/groom/whomever and say “Thanks so much for including me in your wedding. I had to leave a bit early as I wasn’t feeling well, but I was really honored to be a part of it.”
This helps as the meal was probably $75 per person or more. The most basic way to express thanks for a meal is by eating it. Thanks for an invitation is conveyed by staying and enjoying yourself. If you don’t stay, a note will express your thanks, and will dispel any concerns from the hosting couple or family that you left because you found something unpleasant. Mind you, there’s no need to feel obligated to stay just because of the cost of the meal. I would rather someone leave and feel more comfortable then stay and suffer at my wedding reception. Plus someone in staff or on the kitchen might get to have your plate.
posted by sol at 1:18 PM on June 19, 2021
The ideas of taking photos or video is a great one. Some of the best photos from our wedding came from guests.
Here’s my playbook for minimal-energy participation:
Go to the ceremony, be part of the timeless ritual of an entire community pledging to support an imaginary intangible connection between two souls. This is my favorite part.
If the reception is at another location, get a coffee or some other drink that’s under your control on the way over.
During the reception, make sure to congratulate the couple and express your thanks for being invited. Grab a few canapés while your waiting, they are probably equal to or better than the main meal.
Skip out whenever you want, if you skip the meal discreetly tell a head waiter your table number, and that you’re not going to be staying as you are not feeling great.
If you leave before the meal, wait a few days then email the bride/groom/whomever and say “Thanks so much for including me in your wedding. I had to leave a bit early as I wasn’t feeling well, but I was really honored to be a part of it.”
This helps as the meal was probably $75 per person or more. The most basic way to express thanks for a meal is by eating it. Thanks for an invitation is conveyed by staying and enjoying yourself. If you don’t stay, a note will express your thanks, and will dispel any concerns from the hosting couple or family that you left because you found something unpleasant. Mind you, there’s no need to feel obligated to stay just because of the cost of the meal. I would rather someone leave and feel more comfortable then stay and suffer at my wedding reception. Plus someone in staff or on the kitchen might get to have your plate.
posted by sol at 1:18 PM on June 19, 2021
I would not bring a friend. There will be people that knew and worked with your husband. I would bet that you will be either seated with them or will be approached by them to talk. I am sure they will ask how you are getting on. At that point it is up to you to set the tone. Upbeat, "I miss him dearly, but have been trying to get out and do fun things" or somber, "I miss him dearly".
I think the decision to bring someone is a function of if you want a buffer to talking about your husband. The +1 can always be used to extricate yourself from an awkward situation.
posted by AugustWest at 1:53 PM on June 19, 2021
I think the decision to bring someone is a function of if you want a buffer to talking about your husband. The +1 can always be used to extricate yourself from an awkward situation.
posted by AugustWest at 1:53 PM on June 19, 2021
Assuming there are no atypical religious/cultural experiences for you to learn about, for attending a wedding you do exactly what you do when you attend a cocktail party at a work conference, or a holiday open house of an acquaintance, or go to any non-casual event. It's actually easier than going to a bar because nobody is expected to do anything but small talk. (No sex or politics, please.)
Because there are lots of strangers-to-one-another at a wedding, you're going to find people who grew up with the bride and groom, went to camp and high school and college with them, and the older people are all going to be friends or relatives of the bride's and groom's parents. If you focus on the oldest people in the room at the start of the evening, you'll be doing a kindness to older folks who may not know anyone at all outside the wedding party, and you'll feel more at ease! If they're sprightly, they'll ask you questions; if they're infirm, you can offer to bring them a beverage or some hors d'oeuvres, and if someone tries to waylay you before you're ready, just say, "Oh, I'd love to talk but I'm getting a drink for Grandma Tilly! Let's find one another later!"
It's all small talk -- how do you know the bride and groom, doesn't the bride look beautiful, isn't that chocolate fountain going to be fattening, isn't it wonderful that the weather held out (or it's OK that it rained, that's supposed to be good luck for a wedding). You just have to smile beatifically as someone pleased to be celebrating the happy couple. To my mind, attending a wedding should be the easiest social event because nobody is expecting ANYTHING from you but small talk, and the bride and groom are the center of attention. (OK, really just the bride.)
The only awkward part I can imagine is if someone comes up to you whom you vaguely know and they assume you remember their name, but that's true if you come across someone in the grocery store. Just turn the focus on the person -- how they're enjoying being out in the world, do they have summer plans, isn't the wedding lovely -- and if you feel awkward, you can always set your alarm on your phone to vibrate every 10 minutes (until dinner) so that if you're with someone and uncomfortable talking, you can say, "Oh, excuse me, I have to deal with this..." walk off apologetically toward the lobby/parking area, take a breath, use the restroom, and start over on a different side of the room.
Dinner itself gives you the opportunity to listen rather than talk, as only the people on either side of you will really be able to engage you in conversation. If they each turn to the OTHER person next to them, you'll get to focus on your meal and smile gently in the direction of people across your big, round 8-person table and listen without being expected to shout across.
I'd hate to take a date/+1 unless I adored them, because then I'd have to worry about whether they were having fun and I wouldn't be able to explore all the new people I could meet. And you'd be costing the bride and groom money for a meal for a stranger to them who is not that important to you.
The only musts (from my perspective): stand in the receiving line to congratulate the family, and bring a gift. It's just like a formal receiving line with the Queen and POTUS, and you have two alternating things to say, "Oh, everything is just lovely" or "I'm so happy for you/all of you" and use accordingly as you go down the line. If someone asks how you know the happy couple, you can say, "Through XYZ company" - you don't have to say that they worked with your late husband.
Bring a present if you haven't had one sent in advance. I like bringing the gift, if it's not too heavy because it gives me a feeling that "Yup, everyone knows I belong here" and you can joke with random strangers as you approach the gift table about how many toasters or panini presses you think they're getting. If you don't bring a gift, bring the invitation...it'll make you feel more at ease, like it's a golden ticket, until you feel at ease and can fold it and put it in your little evening bag.
This is a fantastic experience because it's actually a low-pressure way to socialize, unlike at a business event, where you'd be expected to follow up! Have a wonderful time knowing that only thing required of you is to celebrate the joy of two people who love one another.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 3:04 PM on June 19, 2021
Because there are lots of strangers-to-one-another at a wedding, you're going to find people who grew up with the bride and groom, went to camp and high school and college with them, and the older people are all going to be friends or relatives of the bride's and groom's parents. If you focus on the oldest people in the room at the start of the evening, you'll be doing a kindness to older folks who may not know anyone at all outside the wedding party, and you'll feel more at ease! If they're sprightly, they'll ask you questions; if they're infirm, you can offer to bring them a beverage or some hors d'oeuvres, and if someone tries to waylay you before you're ready, just say, "Oh, I'd love to talk but I'm getting a drink for Grandma Tilly! Let's find one another later!"
It's all small talk -- how do you know the bride and groom, doesn't the bride look beautiful, isn't that chocolate fountain going to be fattening, isn't it wonderful that the weather held out (or it's OK that it rained, that's supposed to be good luck for a wedding). You just have to smile beatifically as someone pleased to be celebrating the happy couple. To my mind, attending a wedding should be the easiest social event because nobody is expecting ANYTHING from you but small talk, and the bride and groom are the center of attention. (OK, really just the bride.)
The only awkward part I can imagine is if someone comes up to you whom you vaguely know and they assume you remember their name, but that's true if you come across someone in the grocery store. Just turn the focus on the person -- how they're enjoying being out in the world, do they have summer plans, isn't the wedding lovely -- and if you feel awkward, you can always set your alarm on your phone to vibrate every 10 minutes (until dinner) so that if you're with someone and uncomfortable talking, you can say, "Oh, excuse me, I have to deal with this..." walk off apologetically toward the lobby/parking area, take a breath, use the restroom, and start over on a different side of the room.
Dinner itself gives you the opportunity to listen rather than talk, as only the people on either side of you will really be able to engage you in conversation. If they each turn to the OTHER person next to them, you'll get to focus on your meal and smile gently in the direction of people across your big, round 8-person table and listen without being expected to shout across.
I'd hate to take a date/+1 unless I adored them, because then I'd have to worry about whether they were having fun and I wouldn't be able to explore all the new people I could meet. And you'd be costing the bride and groom money for a meal for a stranger to them who is not that important to you.
The only musts (from my perspective): stand in the receiving line to congratulate the family, and bring a gift. It's just like a formal receiving line with the Queen and POTUS, and you have two alternating things to say, "Oh, everything is just lovely" or "I'm so happy for you/all of you" and use accordingly as you go down the line. If someone asks how you know the happy couple, you can say, "Through XYZ company" - you don't have to say that they worked with your late husband.
Bring a present if you haven't had one sent in advance. I like bringing the gift, if it's not too heavy because it gives me a feeling that "Yup, everyone knows I belong here" and you can joke with random strangers as you approach the gift table about how many toasters or panini presses you think they're getting. If you don't bring a gift, bring the invitation...it'll make you feel more at ease, like it's a golden ticket, until you feel at ease and can fold it and put it in your little evening bag.
This is a fantastic experience because it's actually a low-pressure way to socialize, unlike at a business event, where you'd be expected to follow up! Have a wonderful time knowing that only thing required of you is to celebrate the joy of two people who love one another.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 3:04 PM on June 19, 2021
At one wedding I attended, there was a lot of time between the ceremony and the dinner, and I found myself wishing I had brought a card game or small board game. If you’re the sort of person to do that, it could provide some structured socializing. Whether it would work really depends on the setup of the room and the itinerary.
posted by Comet Bug at 3:31 PM on June 19, 2021
posted by Comet Bug at 3:31 PM on June 19, 2021
Another thing to bear in mind -
The closer people are to the bride and groom, the more amped up they are going to be emotionally and the more focused on the bride and groom they are going to be, so they may barely remember, or even notice, anything you say or do. And other people who don't know them as well are probably also going to be similarly self-conscious. So this may feel surprisingly low-stress once you're there - everyone who knows the bride and groom really well will be all caught up in The Heightened Emotion Of The Event and will be too busy thinking about how "oh my little niece is so grown up now" or "oh geez I hope we made the right choice about the canapes" or whatever, and the other people who don't know them well are going to be feeling just as weird and unsure of themselves as you are. So it's the perfect chance to quietly turn to someone who looks similarly out of place and make some comment on the event ("So...what did you think of the fact that the band played 'God Bless The USA'?") and they may glom onto you as someone to talk to ("holy crap yeah, that was weird, wasn't it?") and you'll feel a little less isolated and so will they and you'll talk each other's ears off and time will pass.
I really did once go to a wedding where the band randomly played that. And everyone at my table fell into that exact "what the hell?" conversation.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:43 PM on June 19, 2021
The closer people are to the bride and groom, the more amped up they are going to be emotionally and the more focused on the bride and groom they are going to be, so they may barely remember, or even notice, anything you say or do. And other people who don't know them as well are probably also going to be similarly self-conscious. So this may feel surprisingly low-stress once you're there - everyone who knows the bride and groom really well will be all caught up in The Heightened Emotion Of The Event and will be too busy thinking about how "oh my little niece is so grown up now" or "oh geez I hope we made the right choice about the canapes" or whatever, and the other people who don't know them well are going to be feeling just as weird and unsure of themselves as you are. So it's the perfect chance to quietly turn to someone who looks similarly out of place and make some comment on the event ("So...what did you think of the fact that the band played 'God Bless The USA'?") and they may glom onto you as someone to talk to ("holy crap yeah, that was weird, wasn't it?") and you'll feel a little less isolated and so will they and you'll talk each other's ears off and time will pass.
I really did once go to a wedding where the band randomly played that. And everyone at my table fell into that exact "what the hell?" conversation.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:43 PM on June 19, 2021
And if anyone you run into thinks that a drink or two will make that better, steer clear of them. It's totally OK not to like big unstructured social events and to minimize your exposure.
For what it's worth, I agree that it's OK not to like big unstructured social events and take steps to avoid them. But the OP already noted that they want to go and are going to go, and wanted advice on how to navigate being a guest and manage their anxiety.
I did suggest having a few drinks as an option, so I want to be sure it's clear, as noted in the caveat "if you drink," this advice may not apply to everyone and is certainly not anything I imagine applies to everyone. I wouldn't go up to someone at an event and pressure them to drink or something if they seem anxious. I might ask if they want something if I go get something myself—and take pains to, in that case, ask if they do drink and what they might want, rather than assuming. (I did exactly that at a recent event.)
I've never been a proponent of drinking culture, and I got a lens into some of the ways it can exclude people that I hadn't previously been aware of when I went to a multiday event with a broken ankle a few years back and felt completely on the outs because I literally didn't feel safe on my feet having multiple drinks. I gave some candid feedback to the organizers about the way that left me feeling, with multiple entries on the event calendar where people would have to stand and drink to participate or go down stairs (no elevator) to drink together.
For some people, absolutely, the suggestion to have a few drinks to handle anxiety is not a good one. But it does work for some people in some circumstances—I want to specifically speak for myself here and say that in my life currently, it does get me over that specific dread of wanting to go or be at an event in the first place. So that's why I included it in my list. As with much advice here, your mileage may vary!
posted by limeonaire at 4:02 PM on June 19, 2021
For what it's worth, I agree that it's OK not to like big unstructured social events and take steps to avoid them. But the OP already noted that they want to go and are going to go, and wanted advice on how to navigate being a guest and manage their anxiety.
I did suggest having a few drinks as an option, so I want to be sure it's clear, as noted in the caveat "if you drink," this advice may not apply to everyone and is certainly not anything I imagine applies to everyone. I wouldn't go up to someone at an event and pressure them to drink or something if they seem anxious. I might ask if they want something if I go get something myself—and take pains to, in that case, ask if they do drink and what they might want, rather than assuming. (I did exactly that at a recent event.)
I've never been a proponent of drinking culture, and I got a lens into some of the ways it can exclude people that I hadn't previously been aware of when I went to a multiday event with a broken ankle a few years back and felt completely on the outs because I literally didn't feel safe on my feet having multiple drinks. I gave some candid feedback to the organizers about the way that left me feeling, with multiple entries on the event calendar where people would have to stand and drink to participate or go down stairs (no elevator) to drink together.
For some people, absolutely, the suggestion to have a few drinks to handle anxiety is not a good one. But it does work for some people in some circumstances—I want to specifically speak for myself here and say that in my life currently, it does get me over that specific dread of wanting to go or be at an event in the first place. So that's why I included it in my list. As with much advice here, your mileage may vary!
posted by limeonaire at 4:02 PM on June 19, 2021
Weddings have built-in conversation starters. How do you know Lee and Pat? Oh, you work at Workplace; you may have known my late husband, Terry. That wedding was lovely, the dance number was certainly unexpected, wasn't it? and also prepare a few conversation starters, non-political, non-religious, like Have you seen that new building on Main Street? What do you think of the design? or I saw in the news that an amusing thing happened. Seating is often assigned, which makes things easier. There will be a meal, and you can talk to people at your table. People usually stay until the cake cutting, but you can leave after the meal if you feel anxious.
Here's the thing; you might have a great time, you might meet interesting people. Go with the knowledge that this couple values your presence, and that you may have a very nice time celebrating their day.
posted by theora55 at 6:15 PM on June 19, 2021
Here's the thing; you might have a great time, you might meet interesting people. Go with the knowledge that this couple values your presence, and that you may have a very nice time celebrating their day.
posted by theora55 at 6:15 PM on June 19, 2021
Now I'm remembering a cousin's wedding where their friend who was acting as DJ played what surely must have been the complete works of Phil Collins.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:26 PM on June 19, 2021
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:26 PM on June 19, 2021
Very socially awkward person here. I'd absolutely bring a friend, though that will most likely mean you'll meet fewer new people. If meeting new people is your goal then by all means go solo, but be prepared to have plenty of time where you have no one to talk to. Taking pics and video is a great idea. You can walk up to other guests and ask if you can take a short video of them saying something congratulatory to the bride and groom. That's a fun way to get people talking to you.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 7:27 PM on June 19, 2021
posted by WalkerWestridge at 7:27 PM on June 19, 2021
I've been to a lot of weddings as a single. Honestly, it wasn't even a thing I thought about with the weddings where I was close to the couple and their friends/family. In 2019, I went to two weddings that sound more like what you're talking about: weddings where I know one of the people getting married reasonably well but am not embedded in any of their social circles. I was pretty anxious about both, but they were both fine.
The first was really easy and fun for two reasons: 1. We used to work together and so a few other former coworkers were there too. I wasn't on their team so I didn't know them too well, but they were a natural group to hang out with. 2. The wedding itself was very structured, with a series of scheduled activities (ceremony, cocktail hour, dinner, cake-cutting, dancing, toasts) and assigned seating at dinner. That was really nice as a solo person because I didn't have to spend a lot of time trying to figure out what to do with myself or who to sit with.
The second was a lot more awkward because I really only knew the couple and her parents, and it was also a very unstructured wedding: short ceremony followed by a casual reception in a bar with a buffet and unassigned seating. I got some really good advice for that one, which was to ask the bride who she thought I'd get along well with and should make sure to talk to. She gave me a few names, and I'm pretty sure she already asked her MOH and a few other people to seek me out. The other thing that helped was sitting at the bar for about an hour - you don't look weird sitting at the bar by yourself, and people want to talk to the person sitting at the bar.
Also, I left the latter reception after just about two hours and that was fine! You don't have to stay all night if you're not feeling it - in my experience, it's not uncommon for a wave of people to leave after making an appearance.
So I'd say ask the bride what the wedding will be like in terms of structured/unstructured, and if it's unstructured, ask her who she thinks you should seek out to talk to.
posted by lunasol at 2:59 PM on June 20, 2021
The first was really easy and fun for two reasons: 1. We used to work together and so a few other former coworkers were there too. I wasn't on their team so I didn't know them too well, but they were a natural group to hang out with. 2. The wedding itself was very structured, with a series of scheduled activities (ceremony, cocktail hour, dinner, cake-cutting, dancing, toasts) and assigned seating at dinner. That was really nice as a solo person because I didn't have to spend a lot of time trying to figure out what to do with myself or who to sit with.
The second was a lot more awkward because I really only knew the couple and her parents, and it was also a very unstructured wedding: short ceremony followed by a casual reception in a bar with a buffet and unassigned seating. I got some really good advice for that one, which was to ask the bride who she thought I'd get along well with and should make sure to talk to. She gave me a few names, and I'm pretty sure she already asked her MOH and a few other people to seek me out. The other thing that helped was sitting at the bar for about an hour - you don't look weird sitting at the bar by yourself, and people want to talk to the person sitting at the bar.
Also, I left the latter reception after just about two hours and that was fine! You don't have to stay all night if you're not feeling it - in my experience, it's not uncommon for a wave of people to leave after making an appearance.
So I'd say ask the bride what the wedding will be like in terms of structured/unstructured, and if it's unstructured, ask her who she thinks you should seek out to talk to.
posted by lunasol at 2:59 PM on June 20, 2021
I have been to a lot of weddings on my own, though usually for people I know well where I will have a guaranteed group of people I know. Bringing a casual plus-one has always looked like more trouble than it’s worth - oh, now I have to worry about ANOTHER person?
So if you’re going to bring a plus-one, make sure is someone you won’t worry about - do you have any friends who are experienced plus-ones, excellent schmoozers, etc.? People who work in nonprofit donor relations/development are often great at this FWIW. Basically I think a plus-one could make it better or worse, highly dependent on the individual.
Ironically, even though I have this anxiety about bringing a plus-one, I would be totally happy to go as someone’s plus-one! Although I’m introverted and kind of awkward, I’m a gregarious small-talker. I think a big part of my hangup is that I would feel a lot of responsibility for my plus-one’s ability to enjoy the wedding.
posted by mskyle at 4:45 AM on June 21, 2021
So if you’re going to bring a plus-one, make sure is someone you won’t worry about - do you have any friends who are experienced plus-ones, excellent schmoozers, etc.? People who work in nonprofit donor relations/development are often great at this FWIW. Basically I think a plus-one could make it better or worse, highly dependent on the individual.
Ironically, even though I have this anxiety about bringing a plus-one, I would be totally happy to go as someone’s plus-one! Although I’m introverted and kind of awkward, I’m a gregarious small-talker. I think a big part of my hangup is that I would feel a lot of responsibility for my plus-one’s ability to enjoy the wedding.
posted by mskyle at 4:45 AM on June 21, 2021
I wanted to follow up for future askers - I went to this wedding and I was NERVOUS and I was STRESSED, but I made myself go, alone. I'm so glad I did. I found the weirdo table, got to talk with some really great people, even met a couple from out of state that we got along so well, we made plans and went to the art museum the next day while they were still in town. I think had I brought a plus-one, I would have just talked to them the whole time.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 10:28 AM on November 25, 2021
posted by [insert clever name here] at 10:28 AM on November 25, 2021
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They can be fun, though. You will likely be seated at a table with other folks. If you are alone hopefully they will be talkative and friendly... the table will sometimes become a new group of friends. If you bring a friend you may just talk to them the whole time, depends on how you feel about that?
I also don't mind kind of hanging back and just people watching. For some people that is a lonely/yucky feeling but I quite like it. Weddings are great for that but if it's not your bag you should bring a friend (assuming there is a +1 on your invite? Definitely don't bring someone if the invite is only for you)
posted by pazazygeek at 9:12 AM on June 19, 2021