Dr’s husband is vocally anti-trans online; should I do anything?
June 7, 2021 11:53 AM Subscribe
I saw a new doctor this week, and googled them afterwards. They have no social media, but their husband does, and he uses it to post truly vile missives against trans and queer people. I have no way of knowing if his wife agrees with him; is there anything for me to do here?
What it says above, more or less. My intake form asked for my gender and orientation and on it I disclosed that I am queer. This didn’t come up during the visit, but overall the doctor was very pleasant and it was a good visit.
Google stalking is bad, I know, but I did it afterwards and found her husband’s social media profiles; they are awful. Comparing trans people and gay people to pedophiles, etc.
Of course spouses can have different views, but as a queer person I found this really upsetting and won’t see this doctor again; to my mind, simply staying with someone so transphobic ought to be a dealbreaker for a true ally. A part of me would like to somehow warn other queer and trans people against visiting this doctor. Is this reasonable? What would you do?
What it says above, more or less. My intake form asked for my gender and orientation and on it I disclosed that I am queer. This didn’t come up during the visit, but overall the doctor was very pleasant and it was a good visit.
Google stalking is bad, I know, but I did it afterwards and found her husband’s social media profiles; they are awful. Comparing trans people and gay people to pedophiles, etc.
Of course spouses can have different views, but as a queer person I found this really upsetting and won’t see this doctor again; to my mind, simply staying with someone so transphobic ought to be a dealbreaker for a true ally. A part of me would like to somehow warn other queer and trans people against visiting this doctor. Is this reasonable? What would you do?
As a fellow queer woman I would write to the doctor saying: "I enjoyed our interaction and hoped to have a continuing relationship. However, these social media posts were brought to my attention. Is this your husband? Do you share his views?" THEN I would withdraw from the practice.
posted by rdc at 12:01 PM on June 7, 2021 [89 favorites]
posted by rdc at 12:01 PM on June 7, 2021 [89 favorites]
You can't get the best possible care from a doctor unless you trust and are comfortable with that doctor. If knowing this about your doctor would make you less likely to trust and be comfortable with her, then it's perfectly reasonable to find a different doctor.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 12:02 PM on June 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 12:02 PM on June 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
I’d start looking for another doctor. Being so closely associated with someone posting such hateful things is enough reason to sever the relationship. What the husband is posting goes beyond a reasonable different in views that wouldn’t reflect on a spouse. I think it would also be reasonable to state that in a review of the doctor online or warn others.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 12:07 PM on June 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 12:07 PM on June 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks y’all! Just to clarify, I am 100% finding a new doctor. I am mostly wondering what other actions folks would take it any; rdc, your recommendation is a good one, though I feel oddly anxious about communicating with this doctor. I am in my 30s and have been out for a long time, but seeing his posts really shook me. I know there are lists of LGBT friendly doctors; I wish there were also a directory of doctors to avoid.
posted by nancynickerson at 12:08 PM on June 7, 2021 [7 favorites]
posted by nancynickerson at 12:08 PM on June 7, 2021 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I'd send an email saying "Due to the social media commentary of this person, who presents as your spouse, I will be changing healthcare providers. (Links) Support of trans and LBTGQ+ persons is a minimum in where I choose to spend my money, and who I entrust with my care."
posted by DarlingBri at 12:12 PM on June 7, 2021 [29 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 12:12 PM on June 7, 2021 [29 favorites]
Best answer: I wouldn’t do anything - besides get a new Dr- unless the Dr did something you could report to a board. Sounds weird but hear me out. This behavior is obviously not okay. But if you tell them, they will just hide it and private the social media. They won’t change their views. It maybe gives a chance for someone else to avoid them if they don’t know why you left and it stays public. Take some screenshots.
posted by Crystalinne at 12:13 PM on June 7, 2021 [19 favorites]
posted by Crystalinne at 12:13 PM on June 7, 2021 [19 favorites]
Best answer: I agree with rdc that in an ideal world, and in the interests of fairness, the doctor should be given a chance to confirm a) whether or not that's her husband and b) whether or not she agrees with his posts. For all we know, she may have left her husband because of his terrible views. Or he suffered a brain injury that changed his personality and left him open to hateful or conspiracy-type thinking. Did you see something on the social media that suggests they are still together?
On the other hand, you're not obliged to ensure perfect fairness and an opportunity for everyone to be heard! It's up to you whether you think you have the emotional capacity to engage in chasing down answers and potentially hearing some distressing results (e.g., the doctor writing back to say YES that is her husband and YES they are aligned in their thinking.) Finding a new doctor is hard enough without retroactively vetting the old one at the same time.
posted by cranberrymonger at 12:17 PM on June 7, 2021 [8 favorites]
On the other hand, you're not obliged to ensure perfect fairness and an opportunity for everyone to be heard! It's up to you whether you think you have the emotional capacity to engage in chasing down answers and potentially hearing some distressing results (e.g., the doctor writing back to say YES that is her husband and YES they are aligned in their thinking.) Finding a new doctor is hard enough without retroactively vetting the old one at the same time.
posted by cranberrymonger at 12:17 PM on June 7, 2021 [8 favorites]
Best answer: I am a queer trans person and I support your decision to find another doctor. I wouldn't trust anyone to be objective if they're sharing a household with someone like that, even if they only express it professionally in "acceptable" ways.
That said unless the practice has rules regarding the social media conduct of their employees and extends that to their employees' immediate families (and I would be strongly surprised if it is the case) there's probably not much you can do. Her husband doesn't answer to her boss or to you, so he's (probably) not technically breaking any rules by posting that crap.
In terms of spreading the word, though, you do have the right to go to local LGBT groups and raise this issue (though you will have to be very very careful not to turn it into harassment or encouraging harassment, which runs the risk of only giving the husband more ammo). Spread the word that this doctor might not give objective care.
You could also post a review with your concerns about the practice online, but again, only if you feel emotionally/mentally prepared for potential backlash, which may get ugly if the husband, the doctor, or their supporters decide to take issue with your views. YMMV on whether that would be worth it.
posted by fight or flight at 12:18 PM on June 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
That said unless the practice has rules regarding the social media conduct of their employees and extends that to their employees' immediate families (and I would be strongly surprised if it is the case) there's probably not much you can do. Her husband doesn't answer to her boss or to you, so he's (probably) not technically breaking any rules by posting that crap.
In terms of spreading the word, though, you do have the right to go to local LGBT groups and raise this issue (though you will have to be very very careful not to turn it into harassment or encouraging harassment, which runs the risk of only giving the husband more ammo). Spread the word that this doctor might not give objective care.
You could also post a review with your concerns about the practice online, but again, only if you feel emotionally/mentally prepared for potential backlash, which may get ugly if the husband, the doctor, or their supporters decide to take issue with your views. YMMV on whether that would be worth it.
posted by fight or flight at 12:18 PM on June 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Find a new doctor and file a complaint with your medical board. Your complaint may not trigger anything, but these kinds of things can compound and a board will take them into consideration with any future incidents.
FWIW, I work for a similar type of licensing board, and issues with far less merit are filed, retained and referenced by our board.
Flag, and move on.
posted by furnace.heart at 12:38 PM on June 7, 2021 [4 favorites]
FWIW, I work for a similar type of licensing board, and issues with far less merit are filed, retained and referenced by our board.
Flag, and move on.
posted by furnace.heart at 12:38 PM on June 7, 2021 [4 favorites]
I think the most you can ethically do is leave a few reviews. Be sure to disclose how much experience you’ve had with the doctor and how you got your information.
posted by michaelh at 12:45 PM on June 7, 2021
posted by michaelh at 12:45 PM on June 7, 2021
Best answer: You don't need to "cancel" the doctor but I think it's fair to warn other queer people. If your city has a queer Facebook group or similar I would post a warning there. Also, if there are any local organizations that keep lists of queer-friendly health providers, I think it would be good to let them know. Even if they don't currently refer this doctor, you want to make sure they don't do so in the future.
posted by lunasol at 1:00 PM on June 7, 2021 [11 favorites]
posted by lunasol at 1:00 PM on June 7, 2021 [11 favorites]
Best answer: No, you absolutely cannot report this person to the licensing board. She wasn’t even the one posting the stuff. It was (you think) her husband. You can’t police the views of people of everyone related to license holders, for heaven's sake, nor should feel it’s you business to. Find a new doctor and move on.
posted by holborne at 1:01 PM on June 7, 2021 [52 favorites]
posted by holborne at 1:01 PM on June 7, 2021 [52 favorites]
The only explanation you owe to any professional is that you’ve found someone you’re more comfortable with. End of story.
I would hesitate to do or say anything else, as that is a private matter between doctor and spouse.
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 1:18 PM on June 7, 2021 [4 favorites]
I would hesitate to do or say anything else, as that is a private matter between doctor and spouse.
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 1:18 PM on June 7, 2021 [4 favorites]
I am presuming you are absolutely certain that this person is her husband. But, do you know that for absolute certainty? Do you know they aren't separated or divorced? Do you know she isn't in a daily battle with him about this and is fighting for him to change? Before you take any steps towards doing anything public, dot your i's and cross your t's.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:23 PM on June 7, 2021 [6 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 1:23 PM on June 7, 2021 [6 favorites]
Another vote against reporting to her licensing body or any org with official disciplinary powers. Being married (possibly) to a complete asshole is not a fireable offense but she could easily find herself in enough of a quagmire that she would end up losing her job anyway. You have no evidence whatsoever that she endorses or shares his views, or would be a poor/biased practitioner.
If she had been in some way rude or unprofessional TO YOU, and then you found this stuff, that would be a bit different; you would more reasonable in assuming that her treatment of you might be based on your identity.
But either way, absolutely you are under no obligation to explain or confirm with her, and leaving reviews seems reasonable as well, particularly on review sites with a focus on LGBTQ-friendly practitioners.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:45 PM on June 7, 2021 [5 favorites]
If she had been in some way rude or unprofessional TO YOU, and then you found this stuff, that would be a bit different; you would more reasonable in assuming that her treatment of you might be based on your identity.
But either way, absolutely you are under no obligation to explain or confirm with her, and leaving reviews seems reasonable as well, particularly on review sites with a focus on LGBTQ-friendly practitioners.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:45 PM on June 7, 2021 [5 favorites]
(to be clear, the person making the posts is not possibly an asshole, they are definitely an asshole. But your doctor is only possibly married to them and possibly aware of their views.)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:47 PM on June 7, 2021
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:47 PM on June 7, 2021
Best answer: I agree with rdc on this.
It's important to let this doctor know why you're leaving, despite having had a good appointment. If you just go, the doctor will never know and will never be able to talk with the husband about how his social media behavior affects everyone.
posted by yellowcandy at 1:53 PM on June 7, 2021 [7 favorites]
It's important to let this doctor know why you're leaving, despite having had a good appointment. If you just go, the doctor will never know and will never be able to talk with the husband about how his social media behavior affects everyone.
posted by yellowcandy at 1:53 PM on June 7, 2021 [7 favorites]
FWIW I know someone in this situation. Husband was slightly right wing when they got married and then went full asshole. She's the polar opposite of him and extremely progressive politically. She's working on getting herself out of the situation, but isn't there yet. It wouldn't be fair to harm her career because of his views.
She's aware of them, she's working on fixing the situation, nothing anyone else can do to her outside of her relationship or family can help her.
Move on to another doctor if you're comfortable doing so, but don't assume that two spouses are aligned politically, because they may not be.
Your doctor may or may not be an asshole, but it's entirely possible she's just in a shitty situation.
posted by mikesch at 1:56 PM on June 7, 2021 [26 favorites]
She's aware of them, she's working on fixing the situation, nothing anyone else can do to her outside of her relationship or family can help her.
Move on to another doctor if you're comfortable doing so, but don't assume that two spouses are aligned politically, because they may not be.
Your doctor may or may not be an asshole, but it's entirely possible she's just in a shitty situation.
posted by mikesch at 1:56 PM on June 7, 2021 [26 favorites]
Since you had a positive exchange with the doctor yourself, I agree that it would be worthwhile to let her know why you won't be seeing her again. If she responds in a dismissive or otherwise crappy way, you could then think about reporting her or letting the community know about her views.
A few years ago, I got involved with a guy who went into full-on jerk mode when the relationship ended, and created numerous fake accounts not only purporting to be me, but also people close to me. He made a serious effort to discredit me professionally, but luckily, he didn't understand my work well enough to do any serious damage. It made me very wary of jumping to conclusions in these situations.
It's definitely understandable if you just want to move on, though.
posted by rpfields at 2:29 PM on June 7, 2021 [7 favorites]
A few years ago, I got involved with a guy who went into full-on jerk mode when the relationship ended, and created numerous fake accounts not only purporting to be me, but also people close to me. He made a serious effort to discredit me professionally, but luckily, he didn't understand my work well enough to do any serious damage. It made me very wary of jumping to conclusions in these situations.
It's definitely understandable if you just want to move on, though.
posted by rpfields at 2:29 PM on June 7, 2021 [7 favorites]
Best answer: There's an awful lot of bending over backward to give the benefit of the doubt to the partner of someone who's publicly, vocally espousing bigotry. I honestly don't know why there are any queer people left on Metafilter anymore.
Sure it's possible the husband has a traumatic brain injury, and sure it's possible that your doctor is actually a fantastic provider for queer and trans people despite the husband, but it's not super likely and it inherently, at very least, it's also likely to create huge blindspots in the care this doctor is able to provide to LBGTQ+ patients or patients whose concerns overlap with or "seem like" LGBTQ+ issues. This is not the husband of a beloved friend, this is a doctor, and her relationship to her patients is (or should be) bound by an ethical framework that, from the basis of the information you've uncovered, she seems ill-equipped to uphold.
Getting competent, non-judgmental care is a huge struggle for marginalized people already; what would possess so many of you to make excuses on behalf of someone whose primary alliance seems to be with a bigot? Seriously. Yes, talk to the doctor and let her know you're really shaken by what you think you've seen, confirm the posts really are her husband's, and then file a complaint and write a few public-facing reviews, as furnace.heart and others have suggested. Jesus.
posted by knucklebones at 2:29 PM on June 7, 2021 [58 favorites]
Sure it's possible the husband has a traumatic brain injury, and sure it's possible that your doctor is actually a fantastic provider for queer and trans people despite the husband, but it's not super likely and it inherently, at very least, it's also likely to create huge blindspots in the care this doctor is able to provide to LBGTQ+ patients or patients whose concerns overlap with or "seem like" LGBTQ+ issues. This is not the husband of a beloved friend, this is a doctor, and her relationship to her patients is (or should be) bound by an ethical framework that, from the basis of the information you've uncovered, she seems ill-equipped to uphold.
Getting competent, non-judgmental care is a huge struggle for marginalized people already; what would possess so many of you to make excuses on behalf of someone whose primary alliance seems to be with a bigot? Seriously. Yes, talk to the doctor and let her know you're really shaken by what you think you've seen, confirm the posts really are her husband's, and then file a complaint and write a few public-facing reviews, as furnace.heart and others have suggested. Jesus.
posted by knucklebones at 2:29 PM on June 7, 2021 [58 favorites]
Another vote for not escalating until you confirm that 1) she's currently married to the guy and 2) she knows.
People have covered #1, but as for #2, I've known a few people pretty well IRL (ok, not married, but good friends) who I then latter learned had pretty wildly different online behaviors. Like, really jarringly different. If this doctor avoids social media (such people exist!), it's not a far fetched possibility that she doesn't know about how her husband behaves online.
Also another vote for telling her why you're leaving, and for using rdc's script. Who knows, maybe it will be the final push she needs to divorce the asshole. And then yeah, inform your local queer networks, write a review on Yelp (once you're 100% sure it's her husband and she knows).
posted by coffeecat at 2:48 PM on June 7, 2021 [5 favorites]
People have covered #1, but as for #2, I've known a few people pretty well IRL (ok, not married, but good friends) who I then latter learned had pretty wildly different online behaviors. Like, really jarringly different. If this doctor avoids social media (such people exist!), it's not a far fetched possibility that she doesn't know about how her husband behaves online.
Also another vote for telling her why you're leaving, and for using rdc's script. Who knows, maybe it will be the final push she needs to divorce the asshole. And then yeah, inform your local queer networks, write a review on Yelp (once you're 100% sure it's her husband and she knows).
posted by coffeecat at 2:48 PM on June 7, 2021 [5 favorites]
You are absolutely allowed to judge. All day, all night.
But if you feel like taking this on by providing feedback, I'd suggest getting a burner email account to reach out with, one you can walk away from and never look at again if that becomes necessary.
I don't know that this doctor owes you a response, is the complicated part. I'm not sure you should contact her with any assumption that she will or that it is advisable for her to do so for professional or personal reasons, especially if she is not safe in that relationship. I think I'd personally just say hey, I wanted you to know what I found, even the possibility that you share these opinions makes it too dangerous for me to be under your care, but if you need help here's the number for a domestic violence program and here's a number for a local organization qualified to do outreach to doctors with questions or just terrible opinions about LGBTQ+ people but would like to consider doing better. Maybe this is a misunderstanding that can be cleared up, but if this continues I would be remiss not to leave reviews that mention it for the safety of others. If you don't want our business, that apparently works out okay for both of us. Good luck etc etc.
You never know. Most doctors are trained now to ask patients about their personal safety if anything seems off, but people rarely ask doctors the same question.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:54 PM on June 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
But if you feel like taking this on by providing feedback, I'd suggest getting a burner email account to reach out with, one you can walk away from and never look at again if that becomes necessary.
I don't know that this doctor owes you a response, is the complicated part. I'm not sure you should contact her with any assumption that she will or that it is advisable for her to do so for professional or personal reasons, especially if she is not safe in that relationship. I think I'd personally just say hey, I wanted you to know what I found, even the possibility that you share these opinions makes it too dangerous for me to be under your care, but if you need help here's the number for a domestic violence program and here's a number for a local organization qualified to do outreach to doctors with questions or just terrible opinions about LGBTQ+ people but would like to consider doing better. Maybe this is a misunderstanding that can be cleared up, but if this continues I would be remiss not to leave reviews that mention it for the safety of others. If you don't want our business, that apparently works out okay for both of us. Good luck etc etc.
You never know. Most doctors are trained now to ask patients about their personal safety if anything seems off, but people rarely ask doctors the same question.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:54 PM on June 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I seriously can't believe some of the advice in this thread. And during pride month no less. Hello what the fuck no you should not put yourself in harm's way by asking if you can meet with this man to chat with him. Absolutely not. That is not only not your job, it puts you in danger. My advice would honestly be to just walk away from this, tell your queer friends in your whisper network about this doctor so that they don't go to her, and then lay it to bed. You have no training in having these discussions. You're just a human trying to live your life. Put yourself and your safety first, then the safety of your community. If it feels safe to you to chat with the doctor, but all means, do, if that feels like it's the best path towards keeping both you and your community safe. But if you don't feel safe or comfortable doing that, it is absolutely not your obligation.
As a queer person I have a few different litmus tests that I use in order to determine whether or not I can trust my doctor, and googling them to see things like this is absolutely on that list. The most I've ever done when I've seen something questionable on social media (or when they haven't passed my in person "tests" about PrEP and "risky homosexual behavior") is tell my friends.
posted by twelve cent archie at 4:06 PM on June 7, 2021 [42 favorites]
As a queer person I have a few different litmus tests that I use in order to determine whether or not I can trust my doctor, and googling them to see things like this is absolutely on that list. The most I've ever done when I've seen something questionable on social media (or when they haven't passed my in person "tests" about PrEP and "risky homosexual behavior") is tell my friends.
posted by twelve cent archie at 4:06 PM on June 7, 2021 [42 favorites]
I don't believe that you can be married and have a joined life with someone who has hateful, bigoted views without being OK with it at some level. You can't really "agree to disagree" when it comes to dehumanizing hate. This is a basic moral and ethical issue and I would not trust your doctor if she's still married to a man who is so dedicated to his hate and bigotry that he's shouting it in public. I wouldn't be able to trust the doctor's judgement if she's displayed such a failure of good judgement when it comes to her spouse.
I'd do a more thorough search to see if there are public records that have her and him in the same household and then I'd write the practice a letter about why I'm leaving. If you're a part of any queer online groups in your community, I'd post there. You can also decide to post a review more generally, but I'd be afraid of the doctor being litigious. If you can cover your tracks effectively, by all means post more widely.
posted by quince at 4:34 PM on June 7, 2021 [10 favorites]
I'd do a more thorough search to see if there are public records that have her and him in the same household and then I'd write the practice a letter about why I'm leaving. If you're a part of any queer online groups in your community, I'd post there. You can also decide to post a review more generally, but I'd be afraid of the doctor being litigious. If you can cover your tracks effectively, by all means post more widely.
posted by quince at 4:34 PM on June 7, 2021 [10 favorites]
You don't mention seeing photos of your doctor and this man in wedding attire or otherwise obviously together on the account where he made the hateful posts--if you did, this doesn't really apply. My spouse shares the name of a truly odious, transphobic person, and occasionally gets mistaken for that person online. Luckily, the odious person is famous enough that their actual spouse is easily googled, so it hasn't caused me any problems professionally, but what if they were just a random bigot and not a famous one? I recently scheduled an appointment with a new salon near where I live and the person taking my info said, "You usually see Cheryl, right?" And that's how I found out there's someone with my exact same name in my neighborhood. My point is, it's worth taking a moment to assess what information you have, and how confident you are that this is your doctor's actual spouse.
If the information you have clicks with something in you to go, "That fits"--because come to think of it, the doctor DID avoid talking about your sexuality, or had a weird vibe, or whatever--that's a perfectly good reason to find a new doctor. If you wanted to reach out to your doctor and say, "I always google my providers to see if there are red flags, bad reviews, etc. and I think I found your husband's transphobic Internet posts. I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of a doctor sharing those values, can you clarify?" that's perfectly fine. I'm not saying you must slink away quietly and do nothing, just consider that the bigot you found online might have no connection to this doctor.
posted by theotherdurassister at 4:34 PM on June 7, 2021 [6 favorites]
If the information you have clicks with something in you to go, "That fits"--because come to think of it, the doctor DID avoid talking about your sexuality, or had a weird vibe, or whatever--that's a perfectly good reason to find a new doctor. If you wanted to reach out to your doctor and say, "I always google my providers to see if there are red flags, bad reviews, etc. and I think I found your husband's transphobic Internet posts. I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of a doctor sharing those values, can you clarify?" that's perfectly fine. I'm not saying you must slink away quietly and do nothing, just consider that the bigot you found online might have no connection to this doctor.
posted by theotherdurassister at 4:34 PM on June 7, 2021 [6 favorites]
Best answer: To everyone saying this doctor should not be judged by her husband’s views: this is not merely a moral issue. We’re not telling the OP to let queer people know so they can show up at the clinic with pitchforks. This is a safety issue for other queer people, especially trans people, who have a very long history of being subjected to horrific medical abuse, even at the hands of doctors who seem nice. As a trans person I would never consider seeing a doctor who is married to someone with explicitly anti-trans views, as a matter of personal safety. I would want to know about this and I would consider it my personal responsibility to protect other trans people’s safety by letting them know.
Frankly, if commenters are not themselves educated about queer and trans health care issues, you should not be weighing in on this.
posted by lunasol at 4:40 PM on June 7, 2021 [49 favorites]
Frankly, if commenters are not themselves educated about queer and trans health care issues, you should not be weighing in on this.
posted by lunasol at 4:40 PM on June 7, 2021 [49 favorites]
>> I don't judge anyone based on whom they love.
This is super disingenuous framing that co-opts the language of non-discrimination to leverage against the victims of that very discrimination. The people in question are not family members; one of them is a medical doctor, and who she "happens to" love raises some big red flags about her ability to treat and relate to an entire class of people under her care. You might "act to protect [your]self" as an individual, but what about queer and trans patients who don't have that privilege for whatever reason? Should they just risk sub-par or actively discriminatory treatment forever? At what point are the people making this type of argument actually going to advocate meaningfully for marginalized people before they're harmed? What's the burden of proof pre-harm?
posted by knucklebones at 4:43 PM on June 7, 2021 [47 favorites]
This is super disingenuous framing that co-opts the language of non-discrimination to leverage against the victims of that very discrimination. The people in question are not family members; one of them is a medical doctor, and who she "happens to" love raises some big red flags about her ability to treat and relate to an entire class of people under her care. You might "act to protect [your]self" as an individual, but what about queer and trans patients who don't have that privilege for whatever reason? Should they just risk sub-par or actively discriminatory treatment forever? At what point are the people making this type of argument actually going to advocate meaningfully for marginalized people before they're harmed? What's the burden of proof pre-harm?
posted by knucklebones at 4:43 PM on June 7, 2021 [47 favorites]
Best answer: A lot of these responses are very troubling and read as straight/cis fragility to me.
Medical doctors are held to a standard of ethics and responsibility that few other professions must meet. The comp is not to a small business owner or an individual office worker. The comp is closer to a teacher, CEO, or elected official. The fear is a doctor can invalidate a trans person's physical, mental, and emotional health and their very existence due to their biases. I would have a similar problem if the spouse of my child's teacher, my company's CEO, or my local elected official were publicly posting hateful anti-trans comments online. I absolutely would feel compelled to warn my friends and community away from this doctor.
Social media is no longer a new phenomenon. There are people who are old enough to qualify to use Facebook now (13) that weren't born when Facebook started (2004). In my experience, anyone who posts controversial public posts on social media in 2021 either has extremely poor judgment or is actively courting negative attention.
posted by cursed at 4:54 PM on June 7, 2021 [22 favorites]
Medical doctors are held to a standard of ethics and responsibility that few other professions must meet. The comp is not to a small business owner or an individual office worker. The comp is closer to a teacher, CEO, or elected official. The fear is a doctor can invalidate a trans person's physical, mental, and emotional health and their very existence due to their biases. I would have a similar problem if the spouse of my child's teacher, my company's CEO, or my local elected official were publicly posting hateful anti-trans comments online. I absolutely would feel compelled to warn my friends and community away from this doctor.
Social media is no longer a new phenomenon. There are people who are old enough to qualify to use Facebook now (13) that weren't born when Facebook started (2004). In my experience, anyone who posts controversial public posts on social media in 2021 either has extremely poor judgment or is actively courting negative attention.
posted by cursed at 4:54 PM on June 7, 2021 [22 favorites]
Best answer: Do you have Rate my Doctor where you live?
I consult that site whenever I’m getting a specialist or doctor for anyone in my family, and I would appreciate it if someone posted anonymously factually what you stated here - you had a good first appointment, looked your doctor up, couldn’t help but notice the spouse’s social media (I am assuming it’s very clear from your post) and so you have sought a different doctor. To me, especially as a mother whose kids may have all kinds of questions or concerns or realizations they do not want to ask me about at times, would be extremely grateful for that information. But ONLY if you feel safe about it.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:58 PM on June 7, 2021 [11 favorites]
I consult that site whenever I’m getting a specialist or doctor for anyone in my family, and I would appreciate it if someone posted anonymously factually what you stated here - you had a good first appointment, looked your doctor up, couldn’t help but notice the spouse’s social media (I am assuming it’s very clear from your post) and so you have sought a different doctor. To me, especially as a mother whose kids may have all kinds of questions or concerns or realizations they do not want to ask me about at times, would be extremely grateful for that information. But ONLY if you feel safe about it.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:58 PM on June 7, 2021 [11 favorites]
I would:
* Find a new doctor
* If new doctor is queer-friendly and also a great doctor, promote them to friends who are looking for a doctor
* Not tell the doctor with the queerphobic husband why you are changing practice. Doing so might cause her/her husband to hide his views from the public while still holding them, which could mean that queer patients see her when they might have known to avoid.
(Thinking back to a post several months ago where someone saw a person with Nazi tattoos on FetLife, questioned the persons partner about this and then the photos showing the nazi tattoos were removed. This means that now people may not be aware that the person was probably a Nazi)
posted by kinddieserzeit at 5:39 PM on June 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
* Find a new doctor
* If new doctor is queer-friendly and also a great doctor, promote them to friends who are looking for a doctor
* Not tell the doctor with the queerphobic husband why you are changing practice. Doing so might cause her/her husband to hide his views from the public while still holding them, which could mean that queer patients see her when they might have known to avoid.
(Thinking back to a post several months ago where someone saw a person with Nazi tattoos on FetLife, questioned the persons partner about this and then the photos showing the nazi tattoos were removed. This means that now people may not be aware that the person was probably a Nazi)
posted by kinddieserzeit at 5:39 PM on June 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
You don't owe anything to this doctor and don't have to tell her why you are leaving her practice, but please do make sure you are 100% sure that this bigot really is her spouse.
I have an extremely uncommon name (I have literally never met anyone with my same name; lots of people in the US can't even pronounce it) but apparently it is shared by someone doing research on periodontitis. I only know this because my academic employer keeps sending emails like "Add this publication to your research profile!" and I keep having to tell this "This isn't me!"
Luckily, my work is sufficiently different from periodontitis that I wouldn't think anyone would actually get us confused, and, my current employer is also really aggressive about the Google algorithm so the periodontitis person and their spouse (if they have one) don't show up when you search my name in Google. But most places are not like that -- I just Googled several of my career mentors and the results are ... not them. Personally, before I started at my current place of work, 90% of results on the first page of Google were not me, but could plausibly have been me. Facebook tells me there are 50+ people who share my same name! If there are social media pictures of your doctor with the bigot, or some other indication beyond sharing a name, that's a different story.
posted by basalganglia at 6:09 PM on June 7, 2021 [5 favorites]
I have an extremely uncommon name (I have literally never met anyone with my same name; lots of people in the US can't even pronounce it) but apparently it is shared by someone doing research on periodontitis. I only know this because my academic employer keeps sending emails like "Add this publication to your research profile!" and I keep having to tell this "This isn't me!"
Luckily, my work is sufficiently different from periodontitis that I wouldn't think anyone would actually get us confused, and, my current employer is also really aggressive about the Google algorithm so the periodontitis person and their spouse (if they have one) don't show up when you search my name in Google. But most places are not like that -- I just Googled several of my career mentors and the results are ... not them. Personally, before I started at my current place of work, 90% of results on the first page of Google were not me, but could plausibly have been me. Facebook tells me there are 50+ people who share my same name! If there are social media pictures of your doctor with the bigot, or some other indication beyond sharing a name, that's a different story.
posted by basalganglia at 6:09 PM on June 7, 2021 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Can cishet people please refrain from answering this question? You actually do not have the lived experience to make an informed judgment on the safety issues involved here.
posted by augustimagination at 6:15 PM on June 7, 2021 [21 favorites]
posted by augustimagination at 6:15 PM on June 7, 2021 [21 favorites]
As a cis queer person, I would appreciate knowing this about a provider so I could look at my other options. Even if the doctor herself is working up to a separation or trying to change her husband's mind or whatever - that's her call to make but that doesn't make her a safe provider for queer people. It's okay to prioritize the safety of marginalized people over the benefit of the doubt to medical providers, and to tell people about your experience while being clear about how confident you are or aren't about the current status of their marriage / that you've found the right person.
I think in your shoes I'd go straight to the queer community. Where I am, I know of multiple queer and trans organizations that provide referrals to known safe providers. I would reach out to those groups and say here's what happened, here are the screenshots, here's my reason for thinking this is the doctor:s spouse. Those groups are in a better position than you to check in with the whisper network and see if anyone else is having issues with that provider, if anyone can confirm that they're married, etc. They can update recommendations or warnings accordingly. If you have anyone locally doing that work, I'd start there.
posted by Stacey at 6:20 PM on June 7, 2021 [8 favorites]
I think in your shoes I'd go straight to the queer community. Where I am, I know of multiple queer and trans organizations that provide referrals to known safe providers. I would reach out to those groups and say here's what happened, here are the screenshots, here's my reason for thinking this is the doctor:s spouse. Those groups are in a better position than you to check in with the whisper network and see if anyone else is having issues with that provider, if anyone can confirm that they're married, etc. They can update recommendations or warnings accordingly. If you have anyone locally doing that work, I'd start there.
posted by Stacey at 6:20 PM on June 7, 2021 [8 favorites]
Mod note: A few comments removed, and some direct back-and-forth replies as well; I've left a few replies to deleted stuff up where the stranded replies make a good clarifying point about some of the issues in here. The question is about queer community safety; the point about being sure about the identity/relationship of the doctor and the presumed husband is reasonable and thoroughly covered at this point. We absolutely do not need elaborate speculative theory-of-mind defenses of the doctor or the homophobic and transphobic second party. Please focus on answering the poster's actual question, or move on.
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:36 PM on June 7, 2021 [5 favorites]
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:36 PM on June 7, 2021 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Mods, I think we need to actually hear from you on this rather than silent deletes. Trans people are watching multiple double-downs on "are you sure John Smith is Jane Smith's husband" (let's assume OP did more research than that or at least that doesn't have to be stated more than once!) and multiple justifications and excuses for publicly posting vile transphobia, and at least one chiding that we should be nicer because maybe the transphobe is a wonderful husband otherwise? This is not okay, this is actively traumatic to gender diverse people right here.
ETA Cortex posted right as I was about to hit, so I'll just add,we desperately need a proactive rather than reactive policy/commentary for situations like these. It will happen again and we should protect our community.
posted by nakedmolerats at 8:40 PM on June 7, 2021 [23 favorites]
ETA Cortex posted right as I was about to hit, so I'll just add,we desperately need a proactive rather than reactive policy/commentary for situations like these. It will happen again and we should protect our community.
posted by nakedmolerats at 8:40 PM on June 7, 2021 [23 favorites]
Response by poster: Wow, this really blew up! I want to sincerely thank all of the queer/trans folks who spoke up here. I feel extremely validated in my discomfort and shock by all of you. To answer the questions that arose: yes, I am certain this is her husband, and there are VERY recent wedding photos.
Big thanks to warriorqueen for pointing me to ratemydoctor, a site I was unaware of, and to all for the advice to do what I can via my own queer network/LGBT groups. I am not sure if I will reach out to the doctor directly, yet.
posted by nancynickerson at 8:14 AM on June 8, 2021 [19 favorites]
Big thanks to warriorqueen for pointing me to ratemydoctor, a site I was unaware of, and to all for the advice to do what I can via my own queer network/LGBT groups. I am not sure if I will reach out to the doctor directly, yet.
posted by nancynickerson at 8:14 AM on June 8, 2021 [19 favorites]
One more thought on how to raise a concern - if you decide you have enough information to go that route, but you don't want to commit to a formal complaint to a regulatory or licensing board - if the doctor is associated with a university or a teaching hospital, they might be interested to know if the doctor is not "modelling appropriate behaviour for learners." They might not act on this exact issue, but it can be useful for them to keep the information on file if a similar incident arises in the future. (I think this kind of concern would get more traction in Canada vs. the US... I can't tell if the "location" in your MeFi profile is accurate?)
posted by cranberrymonger at 11:59 AM on June 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by cranberrymonger at 11:59 AM on June 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
yes, I am certain this is her husband, and there are VERY recent wedding photos.
In that case this is not a safe doctor for queer/trans patients and you should do whatever feels right in terms of online reviews, reaching out to local LGBTQ+ community groups to warn, etc. I mean, not that you need my permission, but you certainly have my unreserved support.
posted by theotherdurassister at 2:22 PM on June 8, 2021 [6 favorites]
In that case this is not a safe doctor for queer/trans patients and you should do whatever feels right in terms of online reviews, reaching out to local LGBTQ+ community groups to warn, etc. I mean, not that you need my permission, but you certainly have my unreserved support.
posted by theotherdurassister at 2:22 PM on June 8, 2021 [6 favorites]
Mod note: A couple more things removed since my note yesterday. Louder for those in the back: this question does not need answers trying to explain away concerns about transphobia. Do not go there.
posted by cortex (staff) at 4:17 PM on June 8, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by cortex (staff) at 4:17 PM on June 8, 2021 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Medieval Maven at 11:59 AM on June 7, 2021 [61 favorites]