Lawyer or advocate for someone who is being extorted/blackmailed
February 24, 2021 1:09 PM Subscribe
An acquaintance of mine, let's call him Kyle, has someone who is semi-publicly accusing him of sexual assault (no idea if it's valid or not), and more problematically has tried to extort him for several thousand dollars. Kyle says he has attempted to talk to the person and even start a restorative justice process without much success. This is a person he dated for about 2 years. The question is how hard to push back and in what ways, especially if Kyle decides to run for a highly visible public office in the future.
Kyle is looking for both personal advice and legal advice. He currently feels like there are tons of resources for people who are victims of sexual assault, but very few resources or advocates for what to do when someone is accusing you, and especially when they're extorting/blackmailing you about it. Kyle really wants someone to "be on his team" about this issue.
Know of anyone I can direct him to (consultant, lawyer, author, blogger, etc.)? Ideally someone who would also deal responsibly with the possibility that maybe there is truth to the accusations? Location is Bay Area, CA, USA.
Kyle is looking for both personal advice and legal advice. He currently feels like there are tons of resources for people who are victims of sexual assault, but very few resources or advocates for what to do when someone is accusing you, and especially when they're extorting/blackmailing you about it. Kyle really wants someone to "be on his team" about this issue.
Know of anyone I can direct him to (consultant, lawyer, author, blogger, etc.)? Ideally someone who would also deal responsibly with the possibility that maybe there is truth to the accusations? Location is Bay Area, CA, USA.
"Ideally someone who would also deal responsibly with the possibility that maybe there is truth to the accusations" - if this is something Kyle genuinely wants, then individual therapy is the option that comes to mind.
posted by toastedcheese at 3:22 PM on February 24, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by toastedcheese at 3:22 PM on February 24, 2021 [3 favorites]
I wouldn't help an "acquaintance" move up two flights of stairs let alone staff up their PR crisis management war room! Unless this is a really extraordinary situation in a way that hasn't been revealed here I would let this guy handle his own mess and try to keep myself out of the Taking the L for Someone Else Hall of Fame
posted by katiec at 3:55 PM on February 24, 2021 [29 favorites]
posted by katiec at 3:55 PM on February 24, 2021 [29 favorites]
I... you can't unilaterally "attempt to start a restorative justice process" with someone you have harmed. This does not speak well to his sense of boundaries, which in turn does not speak well to the idea that the claims are made up. I have genuinely no idea why you would volunteer to run interference on a sexual assault accusation for an acquaintance (!).
posted by dusty potato at 4:55 PM on February 24, 2021 [22 favorites]
posted by dusty potato at 4:55 PM on February 24, 2021 [22 favorites]
While I agree that you don't want to be the protector and advocate for a rapist, I also feel it's a good idea to find out the truth before throwing this person to the wolves. Accused does not mean guilty. The desire to see rapists punished does not make all accused parties guilty. Wanting women to be unafraid to come forward does not alter the facts in any individual case.
A friend was accused of rape, under circumstances which made it very unlikely that there was any truth to the charge. He ended up in jail, despite the absence of any real evidence. He later met one of the other two guys who had done time over the same woman.
Maybe she was unlucky, but I suspect she was either a predator or insane.
Is there evidence that she's trying to blackmail him? I would consider that to be very strong evidence that she's lying. He should attempt to get a recording, video, or other evidence that she really has asked. This will deal with the possibility of charges or future retribution, because blackmail is a crime. People who are attacked want, usually, justice, not cash.
I'd also ask to see what other evidence there is, and ask if the two parties agree on the circumstances. This won't tell you if anything happened, but it may provide evidence that it didn't.
Don't lose your own life to protect someone, unless you're very sure, but don't ditch your friend because he might be guilty. Rape is a very evil thing, but so is a false accusation and blackmail.
I'll add that if both sides are telling the truth - if it's rape and blackmail - you should probably get away as fast as possible.
posted by AugustusCrunch at 5:07 PM on February 24, 2021 [9 favorites]
A friend was accused of rape, under circumstances which made it very unlikely that there was any truth to the charge. He ended up in jail, despite the absence of any real evidence. He later met one of the other two guys who had done time over the same woman.
Maybe she was unlucky, but I suspect she was either a predator or insane.
Is there evidence that she's trying to blackmail him? I would consider that to be very strong evidence that she's lying. He should attempt to get a recording, video, or other evidence that she really has asked. This will deal with the possibility of charges or future retribution, because blackmail is a crime. People who are attacked want, usually, justice, not cash.
I'd also ask to see what other evidence there is, and ask if the two parties agree on the circumstances. This won't tell you if anything happened, but it may provide evidence that it didn't.
Don't lose your own life to protect someone, unless you're very sure, but don't ditch your friend because he might be guilty. Rape is a very evil thing, but so is a false accusation and blackmail.
I'll add that if both sides are telling the truth - if it's rape and blackmail - you should probably get away as fast as possible.
posted by AugustusCrunch at 5:07 PM on February 24, 2021 [9 favorites]
This requires a multifaceted approach. Therapy for support and accountability, a lawyer if there is criminal extortion and blackmail and/or civil defamation and libel. Criminal and civil lawyers are often different people. Reputation management firm for online stuff.
People who have caused harm absolutely deserve support, particularly towards resolving what caused them to harm in the first place. This must be done only if it does not preclude or take space away from the voice and community power of the victim.
To nonjudgmentally answer your direct question - Depending on his legal jurisdiction, it may be possible to bargain with the accuser, ie negotiate a payment in exchange for a binding nondisparagment agreement. This is very jurisdictionally dependent. If he’s going for election in a few years time he needs to get moving on this now.
A public acknowledgment of the harm he has caused can mitigate optical risks to him and his party when he’s a candidate, but this as well cannot be ethically done without the consent of the harmed. But what I can say is that the harmed person's recourse is not extortion. The victim’s voluntary disclosure of their story is an ethical recourse. A lawsuit by the victim with damages is an ethical recourse. Community accountability is an ethical recourse. A criminal case is sort of an ethical resource but in practice often isn’t because of massive problems with carceral punishment and the outright racism of the police. Demanding money from someone with threats is not an ethical recourse.
Sometimes the only just outcome is for the person who caused harm to exit public life, particularly if they are not trying to be accountable and to change. Often, people perform a false role to satisfy the accountability process and don’t change at all. Neoliberal social relations pervade society and undermine community accountability, even in radical spaces. But until we come up with a radical answer as to what those who have harmed should do, the right wing will fill this space with their disingenuous mewlings about the evils of cancel culture. The answer is not simple or straightforward, and you are doing important and often unsung work for helping. But if there is a risk that you could be drawn into enabling harmful behaviour or could be tarred with his bad reputation, you should go in eyes wide open and protect yourself.
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 5:15 PM on February 24, 2021 [1 favorite]
People who have caused harm absolutely deserve support, particularly towards resolving what caused them to harm in the first place. This must be done only if it does not preclude or take space away from the voice and community power of the victim.
To nonjudgmentally answer your direct question - Depending on his legal jurisdiction, it may be possible to bargain with the accuser, ie negotiate a payment in exchange for a binding nondisparagment agreement. This is very jurisdictionally dependent. If he’s going for election in a few years time he needs to get moving on this now.
A public acknowledgment of the harm he has caused can mitigate optical risks to him and his party when he’s a candidate, but this as well cannot be ethically done without the consent of the harmed. But what I can say is that the harmed person's recourse is not extortion. The victim’s voluntary disclosure of their story is an ethical recourse. A lawsuit by the victim with damages is an ethical recourse. Community accountability is an ethical recourse. A criminal case is sort of an ethical resource but in practice often isn’t because of massive problems with carceral punishment and the outright racism of the police. Demanding money from someone with threats is not an ethical recourse.
Sometimes the only just outcome is for the person who caused harm to exit public life, particularly if they are not trying to be accountable and to change. Often, people perform a false role to satisfy the accountability process and don’t change at all. Neoliberal social relations pervade society and undermine community accountability, even in radical spaces. But until we come up with a radical answer as to what those who have harmed should do, the right wing will fill this space with their disingenuous mewlings about the evils of cancel culture. The answer is not simple or straightforward, and you are doing important and often unsung work for helping. But if there is a risk that you could be drawn into enabling harmful behaviour or could be tarred with his bad reputation, you should go in eyes wide open and protect yourself.
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 5:15 PM on February 24, 2021 [1 favorite]
I won’t abuse the edit window so I shall add- none of the above, excepting therapy, should happen if it will further harm the victim!
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 5:17 PM on February 24, 2021
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 5:17 PM on February 24, 2021
"To nonjudgmentally answer your direct question - Depending on his legal jurisdiction, it may be possible to bargain with the accuser, ie negotiate a payment in exchange for a binding nondisparagment agreement." Possibly the most prescient thing. If she's lost time, money, and relationships to this person, she deserves significant compensation and to allow to save face, especially if it's allowing him to save face. Just wow.
posted by firstdaffodils at 5:35 PM on February 24, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by firstdaffodils at 5:35 PM on February 24, 2021 [1 favorite]
Why isn’t Kyle posting this question? Why are you trying to help someone who sounds like they sexually assaulted someone and from the outside, looks like their concern is not for their victim but because it might impact their future political career?
I would avoid this gigantic steaming pile like the plague and have a long hard look at why I would want to get involved with a character like Kyle in the first place. He sounds like pond scum.
posted by Jubey at 5:42 PM on February 24, 2021 [15 favorites]
I would avoid this gigantic steaming pile like the plague and have a long hard look at why I would want to get involved with a character like Kyle in the first place. He sounds like pond scum.
posted by Jubey at 5:42 PM on February 24, 2021 [15 favorites]
Some facts:
1. False accusations of sexual assault are vanishingly rare, particularly against powerful men. Sounds like Kyle is one of these men given the potential run for office.
2. Sexual assault is rarely a one-off. Most abusers abuse or assault many victims.
Given these facts, I would assume that (a) the woman is telling the truth and Kyle did in fact assault her and (b) she’s not the only one.
Sit with that, then decide if you really wanna help this guy get away with assault.
posted by jacobian at 5:54 PM on February 24, 2021 [14 favorites]
1. False accusations of sexual assault are vanishingly rare, particularly against powerful men. Sounds like Kyle is one of these men given the potential run for office.
2. Sexual assault is rarely a one-off. Most abusers abuse or assault many victims.
Given these facts, I would assume that (a) the woman is telling the truth and Kyle did in fact assault her and (b) she’s not the only one.
Sit with that, then decide if you really wanna help this guy get away with assault.
posted by jacobian at 5:54 PM on February 24, 2021 [14 favorites]
This sounds like Kyle needs to hire a lawyer who represents people who have been accused of crimes. It sounds like Kyle may wind up being investigated for a crime. If Kyle is being extorted, a lawyer would also be the appropriate person to talk to. Basically: Kyle, get a lawyer - that’s who is “on your side” when you are accused of a crime. Talking to bloggers or authors or whatever about how you might have committed a crime is a terrible idea.
posted by Mid at 6:01 PM on February 24, 2021 [7 favorites]
posted by Mid at 6:01 PM on February 24, 2021 [7 favorites]
Nonjudgmental heads up:
A good team operative might diffuse the situation in a way that helps the woman, that she may not have had access to. It all depends.
posted by firstdaffodils at 6:29 PM on February 24, 2021
A good team operative might diffuse the situation in a way that helps the woman, that she may not have had access to. It all depends.
posted by firstdaffodils at 6:29 PM on February 24, 2021
If he is innocent, why is he trying to talk to and start a "restorative justice" process with someone who -- if he is innocent -- is trying to destroy his life and extort his money? And why is he telling you (an acquaintance) about it, and not the police and/or his legal team. Nthing that Kyle needs a lawyer -- that's who is on his team in this situation.
posted by shadygrove at 7:03 PM on February 24, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by shadygrove at 7:03 PM on February 24, 2021 [4 favorites]
I queried that too, shadygrove. If I was totally innocent and someone was trying to extort me, the first thing I would do is go to the police, not sit down with them in a room taking on the role of the guilty party.
posted by Jubey at 7:43 PM on February 24, 2021 [5 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 7:43 PM on February 24, 2021 [5 favorites]
I'd just like to point out to everyone that, unless I am missing something, I'm pretty sure the accuser has not been gendered.
OP: Your "acquaintance" will never get to public office. I put that in quotes because I suspect they might be your boss. Sorry for my assumption, and also apologies for the shit situation you are probably in. But either A) your acquaintance has been justly accused, or B) your acquaintance has terrible judgement and spent 2 years with a horrific liar. Either is not a good look for public office. Tell them to give up that dream.
posted by chuntered inelegantly from a sedentary position at 7:53 PM on February 24, 2021 [6 favorites]
OP: Your "acquaintance" will never get to public office. I put that in quotes because I suspect they might be your boss. Sorry for my assumption, and also apologies for the shit situation you are probably in. But either A) your acquaintance has been justly accused, or B) your acquaintance has terrible judgement and spent 2 years with a horrific liar. Either is not a good look for public office. Tell them to give up that dream.
posted by chuntered inelegantly from a sedentary position at 7:53 PM on February 24, 2021 [6 favorites]
are you just curious about the situation or has Kyle asked for your help? Because obviously no acquaintance should be asking you for help with such a thing.
If I were advising Kyle, I'd tell him he knows whether the accusations are true or not, and the only person he should be asking for advice is a lawyer with a "defamation" practice, and/or a political campaign consultant. You can search for attorneys by practice area on the martindale.com site or the California bar site.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:13 AM on February 25, 2021
If I were advising Kyle, I'd tell him he knows whether the accusations are true or not, and the only person he should be asking for advice is a lawyer with a "defamation" practice, and/or a political campaign consultant. You can search for attorneys by practice area on the martindale.com site or the California bar site.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:13 AM on February 25, 2021
The answers are a lawyer, and a PR consultant that does personal reputation management. Those are who Kyle needs to look for, and I would encourage them to do the legwork themselves rather than get entangled myself unless I worked in law, or PR and could make genuine recommendations.
posted by plonkee at 2:09 PM on February 25, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by plonkee at 2:09 PM on February 25, 2021 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Sterros at 1:43 PM on February 24, 2021 [1 favorite]