Ukranian wedding customs, what to know?

March 10, 2006 8:27 AM

A friend of mine (from the U.S.) is marrying a woman from the Ukraine in a month or so. His mother is throwing her a bridal shower in the States and I'd like to make her feel welcome...

As far as I know she has spent limited time in the U.S. and all of it since becoming engaged to my friend. She speaks little English (primarily Russian I've heard) and I'm sure moving from outside of Kiev to Flordia will be a big cultural change for her. Do any MeFis have any suggestions for making her feel welcome and (somewhat more) at ease for the bridal shower? Are there any presents or traditions that are considered appropriate or inappropriate for either the shower or the wedding? Thanks in advance for the help!

posted by absquatulate to society & culture (13 comments total)

poor woman. how about making the bridal shower as short as possible?

in my experience, from living in another culture, it's not the "bad" bits that get you down, it's that there's so much of it, you can't avoid it, and you don't know how to deal with it.

for an american i'm sure a bridal shower is a great idea. it's what you expect, you know how to behave - it's fun. for a non-american, especially someone who doesn't speak the language - it could be a strange, embarassing ritual that puts you at the focus of attention, makes you accept a lot of gifts from people you hardly know, and puts you in the debt of people you don't know and to whom you have no idea how to recompense or even correctly thank.

if you can't shorten (or cancel) it then perhaps provide her with some way to respond - even if it means inventing a "tradition" where she gives something back.

disclaimer - i am not a russian woman. i am just someone who is frequently driven to tears of frustration by living in a foreign culture full of well-meaning, but ultimately non-understanding people. i'm also me, which is probably not the same person as her.
posted by andrew cooke at 8:48 AM on March 10, 2006

if you can't shorten (or cancel) it then perhaps provide her with some way to respond - even if it means inventing a "tradition" where she gives something back.

You could teach her the American tradition of thank you note writing.
posted by Pollomacho at 8:52 AM on March 10, 2006

I have a number of friends in similar relationships.

Ensure that her finance (who I am hoping speaks Russian extremely well) is at the bridal shower to help both the lingustic and cultural transition.
posted by k8t at 8:55 AM on March 10, 2006

Just to clarify: I am not the mother, merely a friend who's been invited to the shower who wants to be gracious and honor this woman's heritage (and not make a horrendous social gaffe inadvertantly!)
posted by absquatulate at 9:03 AM on March 10, 2006

just a suggestion, after reading above - you could buy her some thank-you notelets, and even write out some "templates" in english and give that to her before the shower (so she knows in advance that she's prepared)? i think that would be a really kind gesture but, again, i don't know much about this person; maybe someone else would find it too controlling? i guess it depends on your relationship with her.

sorry if my first post seemed critical - i didn't think you were organising it, i'm not criticising you, i understand completely why these things happen (people want to be friendly and kind), and i think you're a great friend for thinking about this...!
posted by andrew cooke at 9:59 AM on March 10, 2006

well things are gonna be already "awkward" since she's a prolly a web ordered bride.... the rest depends on her character, how she react. yeah in russian culture there's no "showers," and women don't have big gatherings (i mean a dozen or so only women lavishing gifts or making cookies)...it's all really about the mistress and master of the house having guests. you'r just not invited to someone else's house and made the center of attention, unless it's a good friend or relative, and it's your birthday... so she's totally gonna be out of her element, and how she adapts is a matter of individual qualities. i second mr. cooke's advice. but for you to be gracious, i'd just let her know that you realize how wierd your actions might look to her...hmm nevermind this is just gonna be wierd, bring a video camera, everybody will have a good laugh later after she "assimilates."
posted by andrewyakovlev at 10:14 AM on March 10, 2006

If you want to do something traditionally Ukranian, you could make a hiltse for her - this is a little tree, usually a little pine tree (maybe a dwarf conifer would do) which is decorated with ribbons, berries, and "flowers" made out of ears of wheat arranged in a circle. It's usually the centrepiece of the top table at the wedding feast.

It's also traditional for the bride's mother and bridesmaids to sew a veil or headdress for her. So maybe this could be done for her at the shower, even if it's not what she's going to wear on the day, but just as a ritual thing. The bride's mother (but in this case, it would be the groom's mother) starts by sewing on a flower, and then the veil is passed to each woman who in turn sews something on, such as a crystal bead, little silver coins, bows, etc.

Even if these things are not totally accurate in terms of how they would be done at home, I'm sure she'll appreciate the effort people are making.
posted by essexjan at 10:25 AM on March 10, 2006

Make sure you call it Ukraine rather than The Ukraine - they don't seem to like it when you call it The Ukraine (or Russia). Other than that, just be nice to her (and mean it).
posted by ComfySofa at 12:50 PM on March 10, 2006

I honestly think she might find 50g of vodka, before the guests arrive, a very welcome thing. Not for all Soviet women, but a lot of them, it wouldn't hurt to help calm her heebie-jeebies.

The Soviet Union (and E Europe, too) is much more drunk-friendly, especially regarding social gatherings. If she is a drinker, I imagine she'd rather have 50g in her than do the party stone cold sober!
posted by Meatbomb at 1:02 PM on March 10, 2006

Offering bread and salt (preferably black bread/pumpernickel type) when she arrives is a general symbolic gesture of hospitality and friendliness.
posted by nonane at 1:32 PM on March 10, 2006

Are there any Ukrainian bakeries in the area? Perhaps a familiar sweet would help to ease discomfort.
posted by Sara Anne at 1:32 PM on March 10, 2006

Perhaps something as simple as greeting her with "Ochin priyatna pozhnakomimsya"? ('Very pleased to meet you'--though the transliteration might be off) There's a nice little small-talk page here. I bet it'd get a laugh, anyway...
posted by Vervain at 2:01 PM on March 10, 2006

Maybe a nice, albiet nontraditional, gift would be to hire her a translator for the day. It seems like an odd gesture but I am sure the little english she does know will be lost that day.
posted by necessitas at 9:11 AM on March 11, 2006