Expressing inner-life without my employer noticing?
November 29, 2019 6:51 PM Subscribe
I am a cis queer dude, in my mid 30s and enjoying expressing my queer-ness in new fun ways that make me happy. But this is difficult as I am not comfortable doing so in a way that is super obvious for work related reasons. I am looking for more ways to enjoy this part of my life, and would appreciate your tips!
Right now, I am slowly building a daily makeup routine that makes me feel great and like I am expressing that part of my inner life. The thing is, I am not comfortable being loud about this at work. So I have a 'no make-up make-up routine' that consists of some concealer and foundation. I am going to add some light mascara and brow pencil to the mix as well. I paint my nails on the weekends, which feels nice but is also kind of a drag because 48 hours of wearing them is not much for the hassle of putting them on and taking them off.
I do not have any models for how to do more to express this part of my life, but I really am enjoying myself and wish to do more. Here is my specific ask:
Please tell me your likes / recommendations for expressing queerness as a bi cis guy who is uncomfortable having said expressions noticed in the workplace. Nothing is off limits here - I'm open to pretty much anything. Other stuff I have considered include more makeup, hair dye that skirts the line, andro clothing perhaps, even perhaps some more intimate options. I will eventually be in a work situation that doesn't require these restrictions, but that is still a couple years out.
Right now, I am slowly building a daily makeup routine that makes me feel great and like I am expressing that part of my inner life. The thing is, I am not comfortable being loud about this at work. So I have a 'no make-up make-up routine' that consists of some concealer and foundation. I am going to add some light mascara and brow pencil to the mix as well. I paint my nails on the weekends, which feels nice but is also kind of a drag because 48 hours of wearing them is not much for the hassle of putting them on and taking them off.
I do not have any models for how to do more to express this part of my life, but I really am enjoying myself and wish to do more. Here is my specific ask:
Please tell me your likes / recommendations for expressing queerness as a bi cis guy who is uncomfortable having said expressions noticed in the workplace. Nothing is off limits here - I'm open to pretty much anything. Other stuff I have considered include more makeup, hair dye that skirts the line, andro clothing perhaps, even perhaps some more intimate options. I will eventually be in a work situation that doesn't require these restrictions, but that is still a couple years out.
Best answer: One awesome earring? Put in the second one as you head home. Brooches and pins on a jacket can read either way. If your lifestyle makes sense for accessories, accessorize more. Men don't typically accessorize-- anything more than a watch and wedding ring reads queer, so look into pocket squares and tie pins and jewelry and awesome socks.
In general, masc clothing with an atypical texture, pattern, or color can work just fine while making you happy. So a blazer...in deep purple tweed. Or a tie made of Sailor Moon fabric or something. Some people might side eye, but if the form is normative, the customization gets a pass.
Get a fabulous sparkly pedicure-- I'm assuming you wear shoes at work, so nobody will know but you.
posted by blnkfrnk at 7:46 PM on November 29, 2019 [13 favorites]
In general, masc clothing with an atypical texture, pattern, or color can work just fine while making you happy. So a blazer...in deep purple tweed. Or a tie made of Sailor Moon fabric or something. Some people might side eye, but if the form is normative, the customization gets a pass.
Get a fabulous sparkly pedicure-- I'm assuming you wear shoes at work, so nobody will know but you.
posted by blnkfrnk at 7:46 PM on November 29, 2019 [13 favorites]
Best answer: You can definitely expand the range of color options in your wardrobe while remaining work-appropriate! Usually ties/pocket squares/socks are easiest to play with, but depending on your workplace you could maybe even go full Esther Quek. Most of my reference points for queer workwear are for dapper butch/androgynous women, but a funky-patterned button-up or blazer looks cool, colorful and "queer but not so queer a straight person would pick up on it" on any gender. Check out Tom & Lorenzo's general celebrity fashion roundups for people experimenting with color while still being read as mostly masc.
Accessorizing is also low-key but makes a huge difference. You can experiment with shopping in the women's section for things like scarves/bags/jewelry. If you keep a necklace under your shirt nobody will see anything but the chain, and solid-colored bracelets and subtle rings can easily just be read as you being really hipster/into GQ. Consider also getting a nice manicure with clear polish. Nobody will be able to tell, but you'll still feel very pampered & have nice and shiny nails.
posted by storytam at 7:54 PM on November 29, 2019 [2 favorites]
Accessorizing is also low-key but makes a huge difference. You can experiment with shopping in the women's section for things like scarves/bags/jewelry. If you keep a necklace under your shirt nobody will see anything but the chain, and solid-colored bracelets and subtle rings can easily just be read as you being really hipster/into GQ. Consider also getting a nice manicure with clear polish. Nobody will be able to tell, but you'll still feel very pampered & have nice and shiny nails.
posted by storytam at 7:54 PM on November 29, 2019 [2 favorites]
Oh, also! Take a look at what out queer celebrities wear. Many of the things that Tan from Queer Eye or Billy Eichner would wear have a sense of queer flair but look mostly gender-conforming enough to pass. (See: this sweater that Eugene Lee Yang has, this Billy Eichner gray blazer/floral top combo, Bowen Yang mixing patterned shirts with patterned shorts.)
posted by storytam at 8:08 PM on November 29, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by storytam at 8:08 PM on November 29, 2019 [3 favorites]
While the questions are different, are some of the answers here helpful? E.g., clear nail polish maybe?
posted by salvia at 8:22 PM on November 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 8:22 PM on November 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Re: nail polish use a peel off base coat. (A YouTuber makes this brand but she’s the queen of peel off base coats and the polish I’ve ordered has been great!) And unless you wear sandals to work you can get a pedicure and paint your toes!
YES to exploring colors and patterns. Inc brand from Macy’s and ASOS are good ones for trendy and colorful menswear that still read professional. My husband (cishet) works in IT but gets compliments on his cool floral shirts and brighter colors when he wears them.
Socks and nice shoes are other ones. You can find really fun cool socks and pair that with a trendy good condition shoe! Fantastic. Maybe incorporate shoes with colorful laces or soles.
Also, if you don’t use one already make an Instagram account. You can save inspiration to private collections, follow hashtags and fashion accounts, and it’s a great way to see how people style clothing and combine colors or patterns and how people express themselves. (I am a very ...eclectic dresser and I get tons of inspo there.)
posted by Crystalinne at 9:05 PM on November 29, 2019 [3 favorites]
YES to exploring colors and patterns. Inc brand from Macy’s and ASOS are good ones for trendy and colorful menswear that still read professional. My husband (cishet) works in IT but gets compliments on his cool floral shirts and brighter colors when he wears them.
Socks and nice shoes are other ones. You can find really fun cool socks and pair that with a trendy good condition shoe! Fantastic. Maybe incorporate shoes with colorful laces or soles.
Also, if you don’t use one already make an Instagram account. You can save inspiration to private collections, follow hashtags and fashion accounts, and it’s a great way to see how people style clothing and combine colors or patterns and how people express themselves. (I am a very ...eclectic dresser and I get tons of inspo there.)
posted by Crystalinne at 9:05 PM on November 29, 2019 [3 favorites]
There are some nice affordable painted and shaped press-on fake nails on the market these days. Maybe you could rock those on your days off instead of having to fuss with polish and remover -- just go easy on the adhesive.
posted by shaademaan at 9:08 PM on November 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by shaademaan at 9:08 PM on November 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Floral dress shirts floral dress shirts floral dress shirts! I love floral prints on men or androgynous people in menswear, and there are often beautiful, affordable ones at Asos and H&M. You could start on the subtle end of the floral print spectrum and move towards more aggressive prints as you feel more comfortable. Asos also has some wonderful floral suiting, for getting truly adventurous. In general combining "masculine" cuts with "feminine" prints is a great look that is notably queer but also mainstream enough to dodge comment (Asos isn't exactly a niche boutique).
Also, this may be weirdly specific but your question made me think of the artist Jared Pecachek, who posts his outfits on Twitter sometimes and has a very "normal clothes plus one tie or scarf or bit of jewelry that makes it Fashion" approach. I think you might be inspired by things like his project of dressing like each of the Olympian gods; most of the outfits would inspire very little comment, but you know that you're doing A Thing (in this case a kind of mini-cosplay). The combination of a secret (or could be secret) theme and the focus on dressing up basics with accessories lets you be playful with self-presentation without requiring a whole new wardrobe. In particular he wears a lot of lapel pins and sweater chains that are just tiny little pops of jewelry that almost don't read as "jewelry" at all.
posted by babelfish at 9:22 PM on November 29, 2019 [5 favorites]
Also, this may be weirdly specific but your question made me think of the artist Jared Pecachek, who posts his outfits on Twitter sometimes and has a very "normal clothes plus one tie or scarf or bit of jewelry that makes it Fashion" approach. I think you might be inspired by things like his project of dressing like each of the Olympian gods; most of the outfits would inspire very little comment, but you know that you're doing A Thing (in this case a kind of mini-cosplay). The combination of a secret (or could be secret) theme and the focus on dressing up basics with accessories lets you be playful with self-presentation without requiring a whole new wardrobe. In particular he wears a lot of lapel pins and sweater chains that are just tiny little pops of jewelry that almost don't read as "jewelry" at all.
posted by babelfish at 9:22 PM on November 29, 2019 [5 favorites]
Do you wear glasses? If so, consider amassing a collection of inexpensive ones in different colors and patterns from an online place like Zenni so you can match your frames to your outfit.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:15 AM on November 30, 2019
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:15 AM on November 30, 2019
Best answer: - Pedicure at a salon
- Nail care that doesn't include paint: buffing, filing, very nice hand cream that you keep in your drawer
- Great cologne
- High quality clear lip balm (try balm dot com from Glossier, I love the coconut flavor)
- Grow your hair longer and get beautiful balayage (very natural highlights), get into styling your hair with product (especially if it's curly)
- Get really into fashion, including colorful slacks, great shoes and socks, amazing jackets and sweaters, etc.
- Masculine jewelry like cuff bracelets and rings
- If this isn't just about personal appearance, consider playing with other gender conventions: bring in baked goods or snacks for the office, plan work social events, look after the emotional health of your colleagues, make the office beautiful with plants and decor, send handwritten thank you notes on beautiful stationery, etc. (Bonus, you are sharing the under-recognized labor traditionally only noticed and taken care of by women!)
posted by amaire at 12:10 PM on November 30, 2019 [6 favorites]
- Nail care that doesn't include paint: buffing, filing, very nice hand cream that you keep in your drawer
- Great cologne
- High quality clear lip balm (try balm dot com from Glossier, I love the coconut flavor)
- Grow your hair longer and get beautiful balayage (very natural highlights), get into styling your hair with product (especially if it's curly)
- Get really into fashion, including colorful slacks, great shoes and socks, amazing jackets and sweaters, etc.
- Masculine jewelry like cuff bracelets and rings
- If this isn't just about personal appearance, consider playing with other gender conventions: bring in baked goods or snacks for the office, plan work social events, look after the emotional health of your colleagues, make the office beautiful with plants and decor, send handwritten thank you notes on beautiful stationery, etc. (Bonus, you are sharing the under-recognized labor traditionally only noticed and taken care of by women!)
posted by amaire at 12:10 PM on November 30, 2019 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all for this excellent trove of wisdom! I’m really loving so many of these suggestions. I went and got my brows threaded today and plan to refresh my pedi tomorrow. Also tried out some mascara today and love love love the way it is helping my eyes pop!
This is so ridiculous but I honestly like, haven’t ever been very fashion conscious when it comes to clothing? Like, I found I like uniqlo clothing because they do slim fits and everything has like 3% elastic which makes everything feel comfy, so I literally bought like most of my wardrobe there. I think that clothing fashion would be a great next step for me, and many of these suggestions are right up my alley. Babelfish that was super specific and also omg I love love love that project and the concept overall. Also Billy Eichner’s look linked above is so fab and I love it.
Generally adding in more fun color and prints and floral stuff combined with actually thinking about accessorizing in a deliberate way sound like exactly the sorts of things that will give me the brain pleasure I am seeking. Thank you all!!
posted by lazaruslong at 12:42 PM on November 30, 2019 [2 favorites]
This is so ridiculous but I honestly like, haven’t ever been very fashion conscious when it comes to clothing? Like, I found I like uniqlo clothing because they do slim fits and everything has like 3% elastic which makes everything feel comfy, so I literally bought like most of my wardrobe there. I think that clothing fashion would be a great next step for me, and many of these suggestions are right up my alley. Babelfish that was super specific and also omg I love love love that project and the concept overall. Also Billy Eichner’s look linked above is so fab and I love it.
Generally adding in more fun color and prints and floral stuff combined with actually thinking about accessorizing in a deliberate way sound like exactly the sorts of things that will give me the brain pleasure I am seeking. Thank you all!!
posted by lazaruslong at 12:42 PM on November 30, 2019 [2 favorites]
One of my guy friends expresses his femme side by wearing black nail polish on short nails. It's goth enough to not necessarily read as explicitly queer. He also wears giant scarves and colourful socks.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 12:43 PM on November 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by pseudostrabismus at 12:43 PM on November 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
Consider nail polish colors close to the natural shade of your nailbed, which can mean peach, beige, mauve, brown, etc, depending on your skin. These look pretty, come across as adult and professional, but won't catch people's eyes like brighter colors. Think of them as foundation or basic mascara for your hands.
Depending on how visible you're willing to be, you can cut your nails short and paint them a solid neutral color (easiest for others to overlook), or grow them slightly longer but do a french manicure (which makes their length visible, but makes it less dramatic that you're painting them, since the white tip mimics the coloration of unpainted long nails). If you go longer than that, and especially if you paint the full length of the nail a solid color, it will become unmistakeable that you've got nail polish on, but it's still not BRIGHT SPARKLY GREEN. Pick a spot on that spectrum that you're comfortable with.
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:01 PM on November 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
Depending on how visible you're willing to be, you can cut your nails short and paint them a solid neutral color (easiest for others to overlook), or grow them slightly longer but do a french manicure (which makes their length visible, but makes it less dramatic that you're painting them, since the white tip mimics the coloration of unpainted long nails). If you go longer than that, and especially if you paint the full length of the nail a solid color, it will become unmistakeable that you've got nail polish on, but it's still not BRIGHT SPARKLY GREEN. Pick a spot on that spectrum that you're comfortable with.
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:01 PM on November 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
There's this whole thing about shirts I see on UK television shows (like QI, or what I see Graham Norton wear) that men get to wear over there that I don't even know if they are available over here. Very cool prints, but very normal build, shirt-wise. You might look for stuff like that. I wish I had links for you, but it's one of those searches I'm not formulating correctly right now.
posted by hippybear at 3:18 PM on November 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by hippybear at 3:18 PM on November 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
Seconding the idea of painting your toenails. I used to be a massage therapist and was once utterly surprised at the ultra traditional straight male-presenting client who had purple nail polish on his toes.
I'd also like to gently suggest that some of your female coworkers may already know that you're using makeup. Add mascara and especially eyebrow threading to that and it becomes even more likely. Prepare yourself for the possibility of someone commenting at some point, even if in a positive fashion (such as being complimented and asked what type of foundation or blending tools you're using).
posted by nirblegee at 3:36 PM on November 30, 2019 [3 favorites]
I'd also like to gently suggest that some of your female coworkers may already know that you're using makeup. Add mascara and especially eyebrow threading to that and it becomes even more likely. Prepare yourself for the possibility of someone commenting at some point, even if in a positive fashion (such as being complimented and asked what type of foundation or blending tools you're using).
posted by nirblegee at 3:36 PM on November 30, 2019 [3 favorites]
Oh hey! I just remembered this website I keep bookmarked. The clothes are sort of fast-fashion club clothes so they're cheap but you might find things here with fit in with your desire for personal expression while still sort of walking on the side of the line you feel you need to be on.
posted by hippybear at 7:51 PM on December 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by hippybear at 7:51 PM on December 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You can experiment with shopping in the women's section for things like scarves/bags/jewelry.
And pants! Women's jeans are cut differently, have more interesting stitching and often have little touches that read as feminine but aren't obvious to casual observers. (Plus, I found years ago during a similar exploration that some of them fit me better than a lot of jeans made for men.)
posted by mediareport at 11:27 PM on December 12, 2019 [1 favorite]
And pants! Women's jeans are cut differently, have more interesting stitching and often have little touches that read as feminine but aren't obvious to casual observers. (Plus, I found years ago during a similar exploration that some of them fit me better than a lot of jeans made for men.)
posted by mediareport at 11:27 PM on December 12, 2019 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Juniper Toast at 7:44 PM on November 29, 2019 [2 favorites]