Why can’t guys admit that they like me? Are they embarrassed by me?
October 31, 2019 7:32 PM Subscribe
I don't know if guys are interested in me and afraid to admit it, or not interested at all. Snowflakes inside!
I’m pretty shy and introverted. Around friends and family or people I know, I am more outgoing. I’ve been told that I’m “cute” and one or twice I was called “pretty”. I used to think that I was ugly compared to my very pretty friends, but have grown more comfortable with my looks over the years. My weight has fluctuated over the years and right now I could stand to lose a couple of pounds, but other people tell me I’m too thin, so I don’t know.
I’m in my early 30s and think that I’ll be single forever. I don’t mind being on my own, but do feel lonely at times. I’ve gone out with guys, but nothing ever develops into anything serious. I have a fear of rejection and still don’t have the best self-esteem, so that doesn’t help things.
There are guys that have liked me, but it always seems to cool off or they move on.
Here are some scenarios:
Guy A: When I first met him at work, he stumbled over his words and seemed interested in me. He would approach me, but never talk and once he literally ran away from me. (I think he wanted me to initiate the conversation.) He was nice at first, but then was either annoyed that I wasn’t fawning over him like other woman or he was threatened by me, because he started to make rude comments towards me. He would compare me with a very pretty woman in the department and try to pit us against one another. I just ignored him and left that position, but it still hurts. Why did he do that? What did I do to deserve that? I thought he was cute and way out of my league, but also sort of a jerk for being mean.
Guy B: I met him in a volunteer group. He was nice and funny at first. He had a bit of a temper, but eventually seemed to relax around me. He ran hot and cold though, so it was always hard to tell. He would make fun of me and be mean to me around his friends, yet in private he was nice. He also tried to pit me against another woman in the group. It was annoying and I stopped going to events.
Guy C: We work together and first he seemed really cool, but then he started making comments about how everything is my fault and how I’m bad at this or that. I know it isn’t true and it seems like teasing, but I don’t like it. He also told me how he had fun getting lunch one day, but around his friends he spent the whole time complaining about me! How I messed up and ordered the wrong thing, I was driving too fast, etc. I was really sad about that.
What gives? The guys seem interested in me and want to be around me, yet they act as if I’m some horrible person or don’t want to be seen with me. I don’t know if it’s because of how I look or act. I’m funny and can be quite social, which they seem to like. I don’t know if they are teasing and I’m being too sensitive or I’m misreading the signs and they aren’t interested. None of them seem interested in going out, so I don’t know what it is about me.
Are they just looking for a reaction or attention? Any thoughts or advice is appreciated.
I’m pretty shy and introverted. Around friends and family or people I know, I am more outgoing. I’ve been told that I’m “cute” and one or twice I was called “pretty”. I used to think that I was ugly compared to my very pretty friends, but have grown more comfortable with my looks over the years. My weight has fluctuated over the years and right now I could stand to lose a couple of pounds, but other people tell me I’m too thin, so I don’t know.
I’m in my early 30s and think that I’ll be single forever. I don’t mind being on my own, but do feel lonely at times. I’ve gone out with guys, but nothing ever develops into anything serious. I have a fear of rejection and still don’t have the best self-esteem, so that doesn’t help things.
There are guys that have liked me, but it always seems to cool off or they move on.
Here are some scenarios:
Guy A: When I first met him at work, he stumbled over his words and seemed interested in me. He would approach me, but never talk and once he literally ran away from me. (I think he wanted me to initiate the conversation.) He was nice at first, but then was either annoyed that I wasn’t fawning over him like other woman or he was threatened by me, because he started to make rude comments towards me. He would compare me with a very pretty woman in the department and try to pit us against one another. I just ignored him and left that position, but it still hurts. Why did he do that? What did I do to deserve that? I thought he was cute and way out of my league, but also sort of a jerk for being mean.
Guy B: I met him in a volunteer group. He was nice and funny at first. He had a bit of a temper, but eventually seemed to relax around me. He ran hot and cold though, so it was always hard to tell. He would make fun of me and be mean to me around his friends, yet in private he was nice. He also tried to pit me against another woman in the group. It was annoying and I stopped going to events.
Guy C: We work together and first he seemed really cool, but then he started making comments about how everything is my fault and how I’m bad at this or that. I know it isn’t true and it seems like teasing, but I don’t like it. He also told me how he had fun getting lunch one day, but around his friends he spent the whole time complaining about me! How I messed up and ordered the wrong thing, I was driving too fast, etc. I was really sad about that.
What gives? The guys seem interested in me and want to be around me, yet they act as if I’m some horrible person or don’t want to be seen with me. I don’t know if it’s because of how I look or act. I’m funny and can be quite social, which they seem to like. I don’t know if they are teasing and I’m being too sensitive or I’m misreading the signs and they aren’t interested. None of them seem interested in going out, so I don’t know what it is about me.
Are they just looking for a reaction or attention? Any thoughts or advice is appreciated.
I am also single in my 30s so may not be an expert, but from what I can see here, all three of the guys you describe are not worth your time worrying about. They are immature, to put it politely. I suspect you are cute and pretty, but have so far been unlucky in not meeting the right kinds of guys. After all dating is a numbers game - it takes a lot of time and effort to sort the wheat from the chaff, and yet it also only takes one guy, if he's the right guy, to take you off the market completely. Think about it this way: the day before you meet Mr Right (or even Mr Right Now) you will just be wandering along the street with no idea what's going to happen tomorrow. It could happen at any time is what I'm saying. So forget about these three twits, keep living your life as best you can, including going out and doing things you enjoy and going on dating apps/to places where you will meet men, and your guy will come.
posted by EatMyHat at 7:55 PM on October 31, 2019 [12 favorites]
posted by EatMyHat at 7:55 PM on October 31, 2019 [12 favorites]
Those guys sound terrible. Frankly it sounds like they were looking for someone unthreatening to be shitty to. Forget those jerks. You did nothing to "make" them that way.
The fact that two of them are coworkers is honestly concerning...is your workplace ok? Maybe it's a place that attracts douches?
Basically you need a better dating pool. Look for new places to volunteer or do hobbies or whatever you enjoy and see if you get better results.
posted by emjaybee at 8:15 PM on October 31, 2019 [23 favorites]
The fact that two of them are coworkers is honestly concerning...is your workplace ok? Maybe it's a place that attracts douches?
Basically you need a better dating pool. Look for new places to volunteer or do hobbies or whatever you enjoy and see if you get better results.
posted by emjaybee at 8:15 PM on October 31, 2019 [23 favorites]
I agree with the previous comments. These guys are all acting like jerks and here you are asking us what’s wrong with you. It’s not you, it’s them. Unfortunately, as they say, you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince. (Kissing is optional, let’s just say “get to know a lot of frogs.”)
posted by ejs at 8:18 PM on October 31, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by ejs at 8:18 PM on October 31, 2019 [7 favorites]
“Hey Guy, I just want to be straight with you...I’m interested in you and I’d like to hang out more and kind of move things up a little. I felt like you were interested but now I sense that you’re not on the same page, what are you thinking?” Then let them talk, if it’s anything less than enthusiastic, cut bait and go. I think, ultimately, you need to be more forward and also go for who you want and let those go who don’t pursue you back or are weird or are negging jerks. Life is really too short for that nonsense.
posted by amanda at 9:20 PM on October 31, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by amanda at 9:20 PM on October 31, 2019 [3 favorites]
Any person who treats a person "nicely" in private and terribly in public is awful. Full stop. I get where you're coming from in dealing with these feelings of insecurity and I recognize a lot of myself in your description. But these guys are not the guys to be worrying over. Whatever their issues are, it's not you. This is straight-up red flag behavior. Similar to how some people are nice to their dates but rude to the servers
posted by acidnova at 9:21 PM on October 31, 2019 [27 favorites]
posted by acidnova at 9:21 PM on October 31, 2019 [27 favorites]
First, it sounds like these men have been jerks and they are definitely not worth wasting mental energy over. I'm sure there is nothing wrong with you and, frankly, if I met an introverted person in their thirties that told me their metafilter handle was "Kobayashi Maru" I'd be well on my way to developing a crush because I am an introverted nerd whose idea of a great date involves people-watching while pretending to be on an away mission.
I'd guess that maybe you've read a little too much into your interactions with these men. I think people tend to flirt with the people they work with. Sometimes ironically, but frequently for little ego boosts or because they are bored. I also think most of them know that workplace romances are usually a bad idea so there's no real romantic intent behind the flirting (although, of course, sometimes there is.) I also think that people do this more when they are between relationships or not feeling too good about a current relationship (see: ego boost). Maybe that's what's going on here and also why things feels hot and cold for you. At least this has been my experience with workplaces (except restaurants, I've never worked anywhere hornier than a restaurant.)
Not that any of the above excuses these men for treating you poorly and saying nasty things to your coworkers. Perhaps that side of things has more to do with workplace politics than romance, but they're being jerks regardless.
If I were you I would consider any flirting at work to be merely playful and not romantically motivated unless someone actually approaches you for a (non-lunch) date. If you find yourself really drawn to someone you could always ask them out yourself, although I would caution you against work relationships. I might suggest a separate Ask for dating tips as an introvert if you're struggling to meet people outside of work.
posted by forbiddencabinet at 10:21 PM on October 31, 2019 [13 favorites]
I'd guess that maybe you've read a little too much into your interactions with these men. I think people tend to flirt with the people they work with. Sometimes ironically, but frequently for little ego boosts or because they are bored. I also think most of them know that workplace romances are usually a bad idea so there's no real romantic intent behind the flirting (although, of course, sometimes there is.) I also think that people do this more when they are between relationships or not feeling too good about a current relationship (see: ego boost). Maybe that's what's going on here and also why things feels hot and cold for you. At least this has been my experience with workplaces (except restaurants, I've never worked anywhere hornier than a restaurant.)
Not that any of the above excuses these men for treating you poorly and saying nasty things to your coworkers. Perhaps that side of things has more to do with workplace politics than romance, but they're being jerks regardless.
If I were you I would consider any flirting at work to be merely playful and not romantically motivated unless someone actually approaches you for a (non-lunch) date. If you find yourself really drawn to someone you could always ask them out yourself, although I would caution you against work relationships. I might suggest a separate Ask for dating tips as an introvert if you're struggling to meet people outside of work.
posted by forbiddencabinet at 10:21 PM on October 31, 2019 [13 favorites]
these guys are dumb idiot moron manbabies who need to be mean to women to feel good about their sad and pathetic lives in which they have disappointed everyone they have ever loved and in which they will eventually die alone. you're fine.
posted by poffin boffin at 3:02 AM on November 1, 2019 [27 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 3:02 AM on November 1, 2019 [27 favorites]
Here’s an oblique strategy for you: consider whether people interpret you to be a vulnerable person or a tough and intimidating person.
posted by Sterros at 3:54 AM on November 1, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by Sterros at 3:54 AM on November 1, 2019 [3 favorites]
These guys are real dirtbags. All they are is teachers, like stepping in dog-shit teaches you to keep your eyes open when outdoors.
posted by dancestoblue at 4:53 AM on November 1, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by dancestoblue at 4:53 AM on November 1, 2019 [5 favorites]
I’m in my early 30s and think that I’ll be single forever.
I became single at 31 when my first ever long term relationship ended after 6 years. I definitely have had that thought many times over the past several years.
For the past few years, when I felt like dating (I often didn’t) I occasionally opened dating apps, I looked for hints of attention, I asked out men and women I was into (and was politely turned down).
And then, boom, a month ago, 4.75 years later, I met someone, could tell that he was unambiguously into me, and there was making out and we’ve been talking once a week since (we live in different places).
That’s my story. Your story will be different.
But comparing my current situation to my past several years, I can tell definitively that the thing that definitely was never going to work were the situations where I was trying to interpret “signals.” When someone is worth your time, you don’t have to guess whether they like you.
posted by ocherdraco at 6:39 AM on November 1, 2019 [8 favorites]
I became single at 31 when my first ever long term relationship ended after 6 years. I definitely have had that thought many times over the past several years.
For the past few years, when I felt like dating (I often didn’t) I occasionally opened dating apps, I looked for hints of attention, I asked out men and women I was into (and was politely turned down).
And then, boom, a month ago, 4.75 years later, I met someone, could tell that he was unambiguously into me, and there was making out and we’ve been talking once a week since (we live in different places).
That’s my story. Your story will be different.
But comparing my current situation to my past several years, I can tell definitively that the thing that definitely was never going to work were the situations where I was trying to interpret “signals.” When someone is worth your time, you don’t have to guess whether they like you.
posted by ocherdraco at 6:39 AM on November 1, 2019 [8 favorites]
I notice that you talk about three guys who seemed interested in you....but you don't mention whether you were interested in them. Were you?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:51 AM on November 1, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:51 AM on November 1, 2019 [3 favorites]
From your descriptions these guys are all immature and playing games by negging you and trying to create rivalries. You're better off without these guys. I'd say that as you and the guys you are interested in get older this will lessen but age and maturity have a weak correlation at best and a lot of people never mature.
In general I think people are afraid to admit they are interested in someone else. This could mean that you'll have to wait for someone who is willing to take that step or that you'll need to be the person to admit their interest.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 7:57 AM on November 1, 2019 [2 favorites]
In general I think people are afraid to admit they are interested in someone else. This could mean that you'll have to wait for someone who is willing to take that step or that you'll need to be the person to admit their interest.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 7:57 AM on November 1, 2019 [2 favorites]
When you were a kid and people (boys) teased you, did your parents say "he just likes you" by any chance?
Because your parents were wrong. Boys who like you aren't fucking shitty asshole dickbags to you. They're NICE to you. Because we are not ELEVEN YEARS OLD anymore. These guys didn't like you, although they potentially wanted to have sex with you. One doesn't mean the other. Plenty of guys hate women intensely and still want to have sex with them. These are those guys. They were fucking assholes and you're well quit of them.
This isn't to say that someone who's genuinely interested in you might not tease you a bit, or be too shy to express their interest directly. Both of those things are common. But the difference is that the teasing will make you feel *seen* and *included*, not challenged or belittled. It will have a vibe of an inside joke, not a slam book. And similarly, someone who is too shy to come out and say HI I LIKE YOU DO YOU LIKE ME but definitely genuinely likes you...again, you'll know. It won't come off as "hot and cold," it'll just be warm.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:44 AM on November 1, 2019 [10 favorites]
Because your parents were wrong. Boys who like you aren't fucking shitty asshole dickbags to you. They're NICE to you. Because we are not ELEVEN YEARS OLD anymore. These guys didn't like you, although they potentially wanted to have sex with you. One doesn't mean the other. Plenty of guys hate women intensely and still want to have sex with them. These are those guys. They were fucking assholes and you're well quit of them.
This isn't to say that someone who's genuinely interested in you might not tease you a bit, or be too shy to express their interest directly. Both of those things are common. But the difference is that the teasing will make you feel *seen* and *included*, not challenged or belittled. It will have a vibe of an inside joke, not a slam book. And similarly, someone who is too shy to come out and say HI I LIKE YOU DO YOU LIKE ME but definitely genuinely likes you...again, you'll know. It won't come off as "hot and cold," it'll just be warm.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:44 AM on November 1, 2019 [10 favorites]
Best answer: These guys all sound like jerks worth avoiding. (Though, dating a minor jerk can be fun, if you know what you're in for and are making a conscious decision that it's worth it.) Dating people who are mean to you before you're even dating is unlikely to end well.
Finding a guy you actually like and asking them out is always a good idea. Nobody worth talking to will be offended, even if they have reasons to decline. There are lots of shy boys in the world who will never take the initiative to ask you out but would jump at the chance to date you. They're not going to neg you or try to make you feel bad.
Best of luck! Being alone can be fun. Being with someone who respects you is also fun.
posted by eotvos at 10:02 AM on November 1, 2019
Finding a guy you actually like and asking them out is always a good idea. Nobody worth talking to will be offended, even if they have reasons to decline. There are lots of shy boys in the world who will never take the initiative to ask you out but would jump at the chance to date you. They're not going to neg you or try to make you feel bad.
Best of luck! Being alone can be fun. Being with someone who respects you is also fun.
posted by eotvos at 10:02 AM on November 1, 2019
It seems they are speaking to the energy around you not looks so much. Maybe you make them nervous. Maybe you're TOO pretty. They dont have confidence around you for some reason or another so they have to put the focus on you instead. Your better off if you mimic them to their face and show exaggerated childishness than to waste your energy analyzing their mouth breathing. You seem honest and unpretentious so you wont get anywhere with the search for insight. Not looking for an answer will help you far more. Meanwhile set your sights higher. The more they think they cant have you the harder they will try
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 11:05 AM on November 1, 2019
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 11:05 AM on November 1, 2019
I became single (widowed, actually) at 32, and I have to say that most of the BOYS I met in the 30's age range who were still single, or single again, had issues. They were immature and/or traumatized and/or had serious gaps in their expectations of what a "partner" might look like. So many had their checklists of criteria (probably due in part the exploding online dating at the time - nobody seemed to notice anyone in person anymore - they looked on their computers and phones), and if I didn't seem thrilled with how they expected a woman like myself to be "over the moon" subservient to their desires and aspirations, then they were gone in less than a second.
It was disappointing, but not because I wasn't finding anyone suitable, but because it opened my eyes to the lack of depth and connection people were making in the world. I didn't want any relationship to be superficial, and I couldn't manage to just keep things light when I was still trying to overcome my greatest emotional and physical loss of my life. I had one idiot even say to someone that I "needed therapy" to another woman on the phone while I was in his presence - when I had already discussed with him how I had been seeing counsellors and doing all the self care that I could manage, and he knew I was fragile. I think in some ways, he saw that as a tool that he could use to control and manipulate me.
Anyway, back to your situation... I just didn't find that guys in their 30's had actually matured yet. My late husband was much older than I, and he had said that he didn't think men fully matured until their mid-to-late 40's. When I did finally meet someone who I am partnered with right now, he was 47 years old. Just long enough to have been through enough life experiences, and to have processed them to a certain degree. It's also very possible that I also needed to process my life experiences to a certain degree to be ready for that relationship (I was 42, so a good 10 years of processing an 8 year relationship and probably my entire childhood traumas for good measure).
Good luck, and I wish you peace.
posted by itsflyable at 11:51 AM on November 1, 2019 [4 favorites]
It was disappointing, but not because I wasn't finding anyone suitable, but because it opened my eyes to the lack of depth and connection people were making in the world. I didn't want any relationship to be superficial, and I couldn't manage to just keep things light when I was still trying to overcome my greatest emotional and physical loss of my life. I had one idiot even say to someone that I "needed therapy" to another woman on the phone while I was in his presence - when I had already discussed with him how I had been seeing counsellors and doing all the self care that I could manage, and he knew I was fragile. I think in some ways, he saw that as a tool that he could use to control and manipulate me.
Anyway, back to your situation... I just didn't find that guys in their 30's had actually matured yet. My late husband was much older than I, and he had said that he didn't think men fully matured until their mid-to-late 40's. When I did finally meet someone who I am partnered with right now, he was 47 years old. Just long enough to have been through enough life experiences, and to have processed them to a certain degree. It's also very possible that I also needed to process my life experiences to a certain degree to be ready for that relationship (I was 42, so a good 10 years of processing an 8 year relationship and probably my entire childhood traumas for good measure).
Good luck, and I wish you peace.
posted by itsflyable at 11:51 AM on November 1, 2019 [4 favorites]
Sounds like you're being really passive. These are guys that expressed some sort of interest in you, not the other way around. When you don't do anything to build your own pool of people that you like, then this is all that's left. Most guys who might actually like you in an appropriate way are probably going about their lives, in the absence of any indiciations from you, behaving well, and you're not noticing them.
Start thinking about what you are looking for in a partner. Get as specific as possible. i agree with maybe trying online dating, but also mention to people you like and trust that you're looking. Start being an active player in your own life, instead of just waiting for something to happen to you. The only thing that's 100% likely to happen is jerks and creeps nominating themselves to mess with you because you seem inert about the whole thing. Be an agent.
posted by Miko at 9:58 AM on November 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
Start thinking about what you are looking for in a partner. Get as specific as possible. i agree with maybe trying online dating, but also mention to people you like and trust that you're looking. Start being an active player in your own life, instead of just waiting for something to happen to you. The only thing that's 100% likely to happen is jerks and creeps nominating themselves to mess with you because you seem inert about the whole thing. Be an agent.
posted by Miko at 9:58 AM on November 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: @ EmpressCallipygos
Guy A: I think that I just liked the idea of him liking me or potentially liking me. I thought he was cute, but the outside didn't match the inside. He wasn't very nice to me or those around me.
Guy B: I had a huge crush on him and wanted him to like me. I tried to change myself so that he would, but lesson learned. (You can't do that.)
Guy C: I think I admire him more than like him? His social skills- he seems so relaxed around everyone and he's never awkward. (Something I'm definitely not. I'm awkward and uncomfortable most days.)
@Sterros- Both? Some think I am quiet and "weak"? But then I can stare them down and be intimidating. (They back off.) I have been told that I am strong and they underestimate me at first.
Overall, I don't want to be in a bad or abusive relationship, but I don't want to judge people too quickly. If you find flaws in everyone, then you're stuck alone.
I also don't get it because the one guy is married and the other two are in serious relationships, so I just feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. Are they treating the women they're with this way? Do the women care or not see it? I don't get why they are jerks around me, yet they're not the same way around others. Or eventually they will be, so I dodged a bullet? I'm so confused...
posted by Kobayashi Maru at 7:49 PM on November 2, 2019
Guy A: I think that I just liked the idea of him liking me or potentially liking me. I thought he was cute, but the outside didn't match the inside. He wasn't very nice to me or those around me.
Guy B: I had a huge crush on him and wanted him to like me. I tried to change myself so that he would, but lesson learned. (You can't do that.)
Guy C: I think I admire him more than like him? His social skills- he seems so relaxed around everyone and he's never awkward. (Something I'm definitely not. I'm awkward and uncomfortable most days.)
@Sterros- Both? Some think I am quiet and "weak"? But then I can stare them down and be intimidating. (They back off.) I have been told that I am strong and they underestimate me at first.
Overall, I don't want to be in a bad or abusive relationship, but I don't want to judge people too quickly. If you find flaws in everyone, then you're stuck alone.
I also don't get it because the one guy is married and the other two are in serious relationships, so I just feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. Are they treating the women they're with this way? Do the women care or not see it? I don't get why they are jerks around me, yet they're not the same way around others. Or eventually they will be, so I dodged a bullet? I'm so confused...
posted by Kobayashi Maru at 7:49 PM on November 2, 2019
I also don't get it because the one guy is married and the other two are in serious relationships, so I just feel like I'm not good enough for anyone.
So it seems like you really buried the lede here. They are all in serious relationships so why are you even wasting the energy on them? And how does their being in relationships have anything to do with your worth as a person?
Please move on from these men. We could try to analyze their behaviors all day but frankly, whether or not they like you in a romantic way is really a moot point.
There have already been a lot of suggestions about ways to expand your dating pool. Please consider those if you really want a romantic relationship with someone who is not these three guys. Sometimes we develop crushes on people due to proximity more than anything else. Meet more people and you have a better chance to see if there is real chemistry and not just "we see each other all the time because of work" chemistry.
posted by acidnova at 8:26 PM on November 2, 2019 [6 favorites]
So it seems like you really buried the lede here. They are all in serious relationships so why are you even wasting the energy on them? And how does their being in relationships have anything to do with your worth as a person?
Please move on from these men. We could try to analyze their behaviors all day but frankly, whether or not they like you in a romantic way is really a moot point.
There have already been a lot of suggestions about ways to expand your dating pool. Please consider those if you really want a romantic relationship with someone who is not these three guys. Sometimes we develop crushes on people due to proximity more than anything else. Meet more people and you have a better chance to see if there is real chemistry and not just "we see each other all the time because of work" chemistry.
posted by acidnova at 8:26 PM on November 2, 2019 [6 favorites]
[I would like to clarify that I don't mean for my comment to be anti-polyamorous or anything like that and I apologies for coming off that way. But if any or all three of these guys are in open or poly relationships, I still advise the OP not to continue to focus their energies on them because their behavior is enough reason to not pursue them.]
posted by acidnova at 8:42 PM on November 2, 2019
posted by acidnova at 8:42 PM on November 2, 2019
My point in asking you about whether you liked the guys was:
It can be exciting when you realize some likes you. It's validating and affirming and also fun! But - that's not all there is to it. And if you spend your time fretting about "why doesn't this guy make a move, clearly he likes me" then you're not putting any attention into thinking about "wait, do I even like this guy in the first place".
It sounds like with Guy A, he wasn't very nice so it doesn't matter if he never did anything about his feelings , and with Guy C, it sounds like it would have been a bit of a mismatch, so....it kind of doesn't matter that they never did anything about any attraction they may have had. So who cares about why they did what they did anyway?
I hope that doesn't sound too harsh; I think it was a mistake I've made in the past, too, getting a little swept up in the excitement of someone showing interest in me and not stopping to think "wait, do I even like him back" until it was too late. That's an important part of things too. And besides - you may never figure out why another person does what they do. The person whose behavior you have a better chance of understanding is your own - and it sounds like you're getting good at that ("I think I admire him more than like him" is a pretty astute observation!).
I wouldn't worry about "why aren't they doing something about whether they like me" and focus more on "hang on, do I even like them in the first place?" because if the answer is "no I don't" then it doesn't matter anyway, right?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:17 AM on November 3, 2019
It can be exciting when you realize some likes you. It's validating and affirming and also fun! But - that's not all there is to it. And if you spend your time fretting about "why doesn't this guy make a move, clearly he likes me" then you're not putting any attention into thinking about "wait, do I even like this guy in the first place".
It sounds like with Guy A, he wasn't very nice so it doesn't matter if he never did anything about his feelings , and with Guy C, it sounds like it would have been a bit of a mismatch, so....it kind of doesn't matter that they never did anything about any attraction they may have had. So who cares about why they did what they did anyway?
I hope that doesn't sound too harsh; I think it was a mistake I've made in the past, too, getting a little swept up in the excitement of someone showing interest in me and not stopping to think "wait, do I even like him back" until it was too late. That's an important part of things too. And besides - you may never figure out why another person does what they do. The person whose behavior you have a better chance of understanding is your own - and it sounds like you're getting good at that ("I think I admire him more than like him" is a pretty astute observation!).
I wouldn't worry about "why aren't they doing something about whether they like me" and focus more on "hang on, do I even like them in the first place?" because if the answer is "no I don't" then it doesn't matter anyway, right?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:17 AM on November 3, 2019
Response by poster: @ acidnova- I would like to clarify, when I liked them, they were all single. I've found out now (through social media/friends/coworkers) of their status.
posted by Kobayashi Maru at 4:04 PM on November 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by Kobayashi Maru at 4:04 PM on November 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
Well, another thing. Fairly often, in the M4W world, guys that are flirting with you are also flirting with other people at the same time. I don't mean some specific other person on the side, but a lot of people. There are some men who, at some points in their lives or in fewer cases, throughout life, conduct their romantic lives by generally throwing out little feelers to just about all the women around them - little innuendo jokes, little private/inside jokes, extra long eye contact, random interactions that seem funny/ridiculous, inane conversations, tiny gifts, attention getting behaviors. These little gestures sometimes seem special and unique to the person being targeted at any moment, as though they indicate an interest specifically in you. Flirtatious offers might be given dozens of times of day to as many women as cross his path. I'm not saying there's anything inherently wrong with this. Men who do this kind of thing are basically always scanning around and cultivating little moments with a large number of women in their orbit. Hey, you never know. By generating a lot of romantic options for yourself, you'll always have somewhere to rebound to, always be in demand yourself. IT's just a thing.
Having been a bit naive, and an introvert, and not very confident/assertive around men and sex, when I was a teen and young adult, this kind of thing completely snagged me over and over. Because I didn't know a lot about dating and flirting and generating a list of prospects for yourself, when someone showed that kind of interest in me, I felt noticed, singled out from the crowd, and developed ideas that we were like, pre-dating or something. Surely the magnetic energy between us was unique and special! There was no such feeling, no such level of interest or investment on the guy's part, most often. For some the flirting was just habitual idle reflex, for others and a way of keeping a good string of people on the back burner. Either way, I way overestimated their level of interest because I didn't know the behavior I thought revealed a compelling connection between us was the same behavior that was going to happen to someone else 20 minutes later.
posted by Miko at 4:44 PM on November 3, 2019 [5 favorites]
Having been a bit naive, and an introvert, and not very confident/assertive around men and sex, when I was a teen and young adult, this kind of thing completely snagged me over and over. Because I didn't know a lot about dating and flirting and generating a list of prospects for yourself, when someone showed that kind of interest in me, I felt noticed, singled out from the crowd, and developed ideas that we were like, pre-dating or something. Surely the magnetic energy between us was unique and special! There was no such feeling, no such level of interest or investment on the guy's part, most often. For some the flirting was just habitual idle reflex, for others and a way of keeping a good string of people on the back burner. Either way, I way overestimated their level of interest because I didn't know the behavior I thought revealed a compelling connection between us was the same behavior that was going to happen to someone else 20 minutes later.
posted by Miko at 4:44 PM on November 3, 2019 [5 favorites]
TOP WORK! You have done something which I failed to do all the way through my 20s - to identify behaviour from men which is gross and stupid, which they may or may not have been doing as some form of courtship, but which you should not have to put up with, and tell yourself as much.
So, first the bad news. This is, unfortunately, something of a Problem With Men. Many men have been socialised to think that treating women badly is a good way to make them fancy you (see: "kiss chase" as kids, being told that they're only doing it because they like you, and as adults, "negging"). You will probably continue to encounter men who do this, because until feminism wins, they keep getting brought up like this.
However, here's the good news. This awareness of what is happening that you have, albeit with some incredulity that it keeps happening to you, is a powerful tool, and one that I also found in my 30s. Here are some other tools you might find this decade offers you:
- an ongoing reduction, year by year, on the amount of fucks you give about what a person who you like thinks of you, in the sense that if they like you, GREAT, if they don't, they couldn't handle the truth and there are more fun people out there, life is too short to get too hung up on this one
- a similar reduction in tolerance of the silly games people play, like how long they might wait to call you after a date and stuff like that
- a stronger relationship with yourself. You made it to 30, you are starting to know a bit more about who you are and what you want out of life.
Take these tools, and use them to help you live a life in which you feel proud of yourself and totally uninterested in men who behave like the ones in your question.
Also, EmpressCallipygos's advice on focusing more on whether you like them than whether they like you is good, I would add to that, focusing on how they make you feel. A person who will be nice to spend time with and potentially date, is a person who makes you feel good - happy and excited and at ease. Anyone who makes you feel frustrated, embarrassed, uncertain, or inadequate, these are probably people to avoid.
posted by greenish at 7:45 AM on November 4, 2019 [4 favorites]
So, first the bad news. This is, unfortunately, something of a Problem With Men. Many men have been socialised to think that treating women badly is a good way to make them fancy you (see: "kiss chase" as kids, being told that they're only doing it because they like you, and as adults, "negging"). You will probably continue to encounter men who do this, because until feminism wins, they keep getting brought up like this.
However, here's the good news. This awareness of what is happening that you have, albeit with some incredulity that it keeps happening to you, is a powerful tool, and one that I also found in my 30s. Here are some other tools you might find this decade offers you:
- an ongoing reduction, year by year, on the amount of fucks you give about what a person who you like thinks of you, in the sense that if they like you, GREAT, if they don't, they couldn't handle the truth and there are more fun people out there, life is too short to get too hung up on this one
- a similar reduction in tolerance of the silly games people play, like how long they might wait to call you after a date and stuff like that
- a stronger relationship with yourself. You made it to 30, you are starting to know a bit more about who you are and what you want out of life.
Take these tools, and use them to help you live a life in which you feel proud of yourself and totally uninterested in men who behave like the ones in your question.
Also, EmpressCallipygos's advice on focusing more on whether you like them than whether they like you is good, I would add to that, focusing on how they make you feel. A person who will be nice to spend time with and potentially date, is a person who makes you feel good - happy and excited and at ease. Anyone who makes you feel frustrated, embarrassed, uncertain, or inadequate, these are probably people to avoid.
posted by greenish at 7:45 AM on November 4, 2019 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by pinochiette at 7:51 PM on October 31, 2019 [22 favorites]