How did you grow to like yourself?
September 20, 2019 5:01 AM
By all accounts, I’m a perfectly normal human being who is offensive to others in neither habits nor appearance. But I’ve got some really strong core beliefs that I’ve been adding evidence to since childhood that I’m gross and ugly and unattractive. Have you had similar ideas and worked through them? How did you do it? FYI, I’m in therapy, and working on this there.
That reminded me of this comic: I’m fat. When thin people say they ‘need’ to lose weight, imagine how that makes me feel. You imply you're similar, in habits and appearance, to most of your friends, acquaintances, and neighbors. If you find yourself gross, you are saying (internally) that they are as well. Are they gross to you?
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 5:47 AM on September 20, 2019
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 5:47 AM on September 20, 2019
Is this primarily about physical attractiveness? I find it it useful to exercise more often - when my body feels good I worry less about how it looks. It could also help to remove mirrors from your home as much as possible so you can spend less time worrying about your appearance. Lastly, and ymmv on this one, you could try responding to the voice that tells you you are unattractive by saying,
“So what?”
posted by mai at 5:56 AM on September 20, 2019
“So what?”
posted by mai at 5:56 AM on September 20, 2019
I experience this because I was emotionally rejected and abused badly by a parent as a child and experienced some other major traumas in my formative (bullied by for my appearance in school, mocked for being smart, mocked for having a foreign name, etc). Even though I'm well liked and pursued romantically by others, the feelings of worthlessness and being repulsive have persisted into my 30s. I also struggle with an eating disorders that is rooted in these feelings.
I strongly suggest working with a therapist who specializes in cptsd/complex traumas. Regular therapy work did nothing for me.
posted by shaademaan at 6:24 AM on September 20, 2019
I strongly suggest working with a therapist who specializes in cptsd/complex traumas. Regular therapy work did nothing for me.
posted by shaademaan at 6:24 AM on September 20, 2019
There's a critical voice in your head labeling you. Gross. Ugly. Unattractive. If you unpack the meaning of those words they probably come from a sense of fail connection. You feel that other people won't admire you or like you or love you or find you visually appealing, and even perhaps that they won't find you sexually desirable. It sounds like you are having a recurring need for better social connection. You want to be someone that other people would find acceptable, beautiful and admirable.
There are generally two times in ones life when it is possible to get this type of intense admiration from someone else -when we are a child and someone is committing or committed to loving us and parenting us, and when someone has fallen in love with us. Otherwise our community mainly doesn't care but will follow a mutually supportive routine of saying "You look great... Nice shirt. Great job on the Millerman account! Anonymous, why don't you sing for us. You have such a great voice...." etc. But when someone tells you that you have a nice shirt they are being social, and if they actually were to describe you they would actually not be particularly positive - yeah, your shirt looks good but you still wear too much make-up and have dorky hair. We give and get a lot of positive strokes for each other because it's social glue and social lubricant and holds things together. But the average person you see every day doesn't really register your appearance.
Beauty is the average of the people you look at. If you are a small child you see Mummy a lot and will think that Mummy is beautiful. Once you get to kindergarten you may see enough other people that you realise that Mummy is objectively less than average in appearance. The longer you stare at someone the more beautiful they become. This is why the standards of beauty and attractiveness only partially cross cultures.
So objectively you are gross, ugly and unattractive, and sublime, beautiful and attractive simultaneously. The most beautiful woman in the world still has green boogers when she's got a viral sinus infection, and she still has lots of ingrown hairs because the reason we get them is mainly because we wear clothes. Meanwhile the most ugly man in the world is still an astonishing work of art who has millions of beautiful features in common with people judged conventionally attractive - eyelashes, muscles that show through his skin, a faint smile that shows his inner thoughts...
So it's not how you actually look that is the issue below. It's how much compassion you have for yourself and how well you get other people to meet your needs and validate you.
To get your image of attractive more in line with your own appearance start looking at yourself and at people who look like you with a positive eye and get off the media as much as possible. If your image of attractive is Leonardo diCaprio and you keep looking at pictures of him and wishing you could look like him you are going to screw up your biological mechanisms for what you consider beautiful because you are staring at someone who has been posed, made up, and had 99% of the images deleted as out takes. Remember there are people out there whose image of what is attractive has been so altered from the typical that they aspire to look like things rather than people and have had surgery so that they will look like either a fashion doll, or body mods so that they look like a monster from World of Warcraft.
You can never get enough external validation for your appearance. Even if you get someone new to fall in love with you every three months it will never be enough and you can still look in the mirror or lie awake at night thinking of how horrible you look and why don't you look better. In fact the more partners you have the more likely you are to hate your appearance.
Also, you are going to get uglier and uglier the longer you live, so it is an important long range project to come to terms with the fact that you are worthy no matter how gross you look, beautiful to people who love you no matter how unsymmetrical and worn out you get, and attractive no matter how few people know it. If you think you look ugly now keep in mind that you will look back and remember this time as when you were still attractive.
Youth, of course, is attractive because that's an indicator of long term potential, and part of our drive to bond with and protect the young and to try to achieve sexual partners.
So the main thing you need to do, after changing who you look at, is the mental work of not needing validation from others, and getting your social needs met without compromising yourself. It may help to keep in mind that people who have a good external presentation - dress well, wear the right brands, do the make-up, get the haircuts put a lot of effort into it are generally the ones are least accepting of their natural appearance, and thus their real self. The people who put an enormous amount of effort into it are the ones who are the most insecure in their appearance and get the least amount of validation from it. There is a spectrum of people from the one who looks in the mirror and notices their eyebrows are kind of bushy but only on one side and shrugs and says, "Who the hell looks at eyebrows anyway?" to the one who gets their eyebrows shaped before doing some job interviews "-Gotta meet their expectations" to the one who has their eyebrows done every four to six weeks and between times spends three or four minutes a day tweezing out hairs and cries with frustration because there are always a couple of hairs that don't follow the right contour. The more you look at your face critically the more you will hate it. Simply looking in the mirror and thinking, "I look nice" without going to any trouble to look nice is extremely good for your mental health. Trying to look nice is often necessary to fit in, but caring about the details is often a big part of the problem.
There are body positivity exercises you can do, such as doing a full body evaluation and deciding if you like your toes and working your way up. The problem with that is that if you like your toes now, you can stop liking them twenty years from now after wearing office shoes and dislike them once they are subjected to normal wear and tear that makes them bent and calloused. But your toes are you and infinitely precious and needful to you. Wanting them to look different is to deny the essential nature of toes and bodies. They are what they are and they are not there to enhance your social status or make people fall in love with you. They are doing their job and doing it well and with every step you take they are helping to protect the structure of your feet and keep you capable of walking. They do that job even when they are bent and old and ugly. They don't need to be attractive any more than they need to be green with purple dots. The same goes for every other part of your body. Your nose has a job to do and does it astonishingly well no matter what its contours are.
I find that looking objectively at the underlying biology of my body helps me adore it and admire it. Reading about how the various parts are designed is exciting and cool to me, and instead of feeling I am gross when I fart, understanding the various things that are integral to my digestive system, and to everyone else's digestive system makes me accept it as a necessary and functional biological process that I share with everyone else.
At school the kids might have been vicious and cruel when someone farted, but that was only because there was a vulnerability immediately in sight they could latch onto. It wasn't the fact that someone farted that made them gross or different. All the kids involved farted and the healthier kids who ate a better diet probably farted considerably more. The accepted belief that Raymond was gross was the conclusion of a deliberate decision to gang up on him, and his grossness was defined by the group and had nothing really to do with his digestive system or even who he was. The kids wanted to practice their social competitive skills and he was the unlucky one they surrounded and jeered at.
Not liking your appearance is to be to yourself what those kids were to Raymond who farted while we were in line for gym class. They chose to do it, driven by strong instincts just as you have strong instincts making you critical of your body and self. Those instincts are universal. But self love is also an instinct and so is compassion. You can choose more compassion for yourself and practice it.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:48 AM on September 20, 2019
There are generally two times in ones life when it is possible to get this type of intense admiration from someone else -when we are a child and someone is committing or committed to loving us and parenting us, and when someone has fallen in love with us. Otherwise our community mainly doesn't care but will follow a mutually supportive routine of saying "You look great... Nice shirt. Great job on the Millerman account! Anonymous, why don't you sing for us. You have such a great voice...." etc. But when someone tells you that you have a nice shirt they are being social, and if they actually were to describe you they would actually not be particularly positive - yeah, your shirt looks good but you still wear too much make-up and have dorky hair. We give and get a lot of positive strokes for each other because it's social glue and social lubricant and holds things together. But the average person you see every day doesn't really register your appearance.
Beauty is the average of the people you look at. If you are a small child you see Mummy a lot and will think that Mummy is beautiful. Once you get to kindergarten you may see enough other people that you realise that Mummy is objectively less than average in appearance. The longer you stare at someone the more beautiful they become. This is why the standards of beauty and attractiveness only partially cross cultures.
So objectively you are gross, ugly and unattractive, and sublime, beautiful and attractive simultaneously. The most beautiful woman in the world still has green boogers when she's got a viral sinus infection, and she still has lots of ingrown hairs because the reason we get them is mainly because we wear clothes. Meanwhile the most ugly man in the world is still an astonishing work of art who has millions of beautiful features in common with people judged conventionally attractive - eyelashes, muscles that show through his skin, a faint smile that shows his inner thoughts...
So it's not how you actually look that is the issue below. It's how much compassion you have for yourself and how well you get other people to meet your needs and validate you.
To get your image of attractive more in line with your own appearance start looking at yourself and at people who look like you with a positive eye and get off the media as much as possible. If your image of attractive is Leonardo diCaprio and you keep looking at pictures of him and wishing you could look like him you are going to screw up your biological mechanisms for what you consider beautiful because you are staring at someone who has been posed, made up, and had 99% of the images deleted as out takes. Remember there are people out there whose image of what is attractive has been so altered from the typical that they aspire to look like things rather than people and have had surgery so that they will look like either a fashion doll, or body mods so that they look like a monster from World of Warcraft.
You can never get enough external validation for your appearance. Even if you get someone new to fall in love with you every three months it will never be enough and you can still look in the mirror or lie awake at night thinking of how horrible you look and why don't you look better. In fact the more partners you have the more likely you are to hate your appearance.
Also, you are going to get uglier and uglier the longer you live, so it is an important long range project to come to terms with the fact that you are worthy no matter how gross you look, beautiful to people who love you no matter how unsymmetrical and worn out you get, and attractive no matter how few people know it. If you think you look ugly now keep in mind that you will look back and remember this time as when you were still attractive.
Youth, of course, is attractive because that's an indicator of long term potential, and part of our drive to bond with and protect the young and to try to achieve sexual partners.
So the main thing you need to do, after changing who you look at, is the mental work of not needing validation from others, and getting your social needs met without compromising yourself. It may help to keep in mind that people who have a good external presentation - dress well, wear the right brands, do the make-up, get the haircuts put a lot of effort into it are generally the ones are least accepting of their natural appearance, and thus their real self. The people who put an enormous amount of effort into it are the ones who are the most insecure in their appearance and get the least amount of validation from it. There is a spectrum of people from the one who looks in the mirror and notices their eyebrows are kind of bushy but only on one side and shrugs and says, "Who the hell looks at eyebrows anyway?" to the one who gets their eyebrows shaped before doing some job interviews "-Gotta meet their expectations" to the one who has their eyebrows done every four to six weeks and between times spends three or four minutes a day tweezing out hairs and cries with frustration because there are always a couple of hairs that don't follow the right contour. The more you look at your face critically the more you will hate it. Simply looking in the mirror and thinking, "I look nice" without going to any trouble to look nice is extremely good for your mental health. Trying to look nice is often necessary to fit in, but caring about the details is often a big part of the problem.
There are body positivity exercises you can do, such as doing a full body evaluation and deciding if you like your toes and working your way up. The problem with that is that if you like your toes now, you can stop liking them twenty years from now after wearing office shoes and dislike them once they are subjected to normal wear and tear that makes them bent and calloused. But your toes are you and infinitely precious and needful to you. Wanting them to look different is to deny the essential nature of toes and bodies. They are what they are and they are not there to enhance your social status or make people fall in love with you. They are doing their job and doing it well and with every step you take they are helping to protect the structure of your feet and keep you capable of walking. They do that job even when they are bent and old and ugly. They don't need to be attractive any more than they need to be green with purple dots. The same goes for every other part of your body. Your nose has a job to do and does it astonishingly well no matter what its contours are.
I find that looking objectively at the underlying biology of my body helps me adore it and admire it. Reading about how the various parts are designed is exciting and cool to me, and instead of feeling I am gross when I fart, understanding the various things that are integral to my digestive system, and to everyone else's digestive system makes me accept it as a necessary and functional biological process that I share with everyone else.
At school the kids might have been vicious and cruel when someone farted, but that was only because there was a vulnerability immediately in sight they could latch onto. It wasn't the fact that someone farted that made them gross or different. All the kids involved farted and the healthier kids who ate a better diet probably farted considerably more. The accepted belief that Raymond was gross was the conclusion of a deliberate decision to gang up on him, and his grossness was defined by the group and had nothing really to do with his digestive system or even who he was. The kids wanted to practice their social competitive skills and he was the unlucky one they surrounded and jeered at.
Not liking your appearance is to be to yourself what those kids were to Raymond who farted while we were in line for gym class. They chose to do it, driven by strong instincts just as you have strong instincts making you critical of your body and self. Those instincts are universal. But self love is also an instinct and so is compassion. You can choose more compassion for yourself and practice it.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:48 AM on September 20, 2019
I was bullied a lot for my appearance as a kid, as well as general cluelessness and a mother with odd thoughts around clothing. I also ended up working in and representing women's magazines, including at fashion and beauty things. So I've had a wide range of feelings to work through.
The most helpful thing by far, as per the above, was to learn that my body is actually for me, not for others. It is not just a vehicle for my brain, but moving it and being strong in it gives me a great and deep joy. The more I have learned to use and enjoy my body -- eating, sleeping, exercise, travel, walking -- the more it has become my friend. I don't belittle or mock my friends. And anyone who does, is not my friend.
Sweat = working hard, and a nice shower after is great.
Hair (and I have lots in places not usually granted to women as hair-having places) = a frame for my face that I like to run my own fingers through, and if it grows a lot elsewhere, that's okay.
... and so on. Everything "gross" has a purpose.
Man I think I could write an essay on the next bit but I will try to summarize.
The people who conveyed this to you (for whatever reason)...they are not the actual fashion and beauty people. Like, maybe they were the adolescent larval stage of those people.
But I've hung out with major names in fashion and beauty and maybe they were just really Canadian, but the thing is...for most of them, they love beautiful things, and they love power a little bit as most movers and shakers do...but they don't actually judge us regular people much and there isn't really a Divine Scale of Ugly out there, even for the pros. They might sound off on runway choices, but they do not care who is sitting next to them on the subway because...they do have days when their deodorant fails or they were up all night and look like shit. So if you have the people who live and breathe this stuff just not giving a fuck about it, why are you judging yourself worse than they are?
The whole ideas of a hierarchy of beauty/acceptability on some kind of global scale is maintained by either humans in an early stage of social development (i.e. teenagers) or people who would find a reason to be shitty to people no matter what. There is no determinant of "ugly" that encompasses a person. There is no repulsive.
Also, explore when these thoughts come to you. For me, I judged myself that way when I was actually avoiding other feelings. It was like a tic that prevented me from feeling larger things, like...if I really am ugly, then I deserved to be bullied and humiliated. But if I'm not, or it doesn't matter, then I have to handle the fact that a) people being shitty to me is not within my control...buying the right clothes and makeup wouldn't actually change that, b) I don't live in a just world, and c) people that should have protected and loved me, did not.
Like, they didn't.
For no reason I could have changed.
This sucks.
Anyways, I hope this rambling helps. Use your body. Try to treat yourself as you would others, even in your thoughts. Keep on with therapy.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:49 AM on September 20, 2019
The most helpful thing by far, as per the above, was to learn that my body is actually for me, not for others. It is not just a vehicle for my brain, but moving it and being strong in it gives me a great and deep joy. The more I have learned to use and enjoy my body -- eating, sleeping, exercise, travel, walking -- the more it has become my friend. I don't belittle or mock my friends. And anyone who does, is not my friend.
Sweat = working hard, and a nice shower after is great.
Hair (and I have lots in places not usually granted to women as hair-having places) = a frame for my face that I like to run my own fingers through, and if it grows a lot elsewhere, that's okay.
... and so on. Everything "gross" has a purpose.
Man I think I could write an essay on the next bit but I will try to summarize.
The people who conveyed this to you (for whatever reason)...they are not the actual fashion and beauty people. Like, maybe they were the adolescent larval stage of those people.
But I've hung out with major names in fashion and beauty and maybe they were just really Canadian, but the thing is...for most of them, they love beautiful things, and they love power a little bit as most movers and shakers do...but they don't actually judge us regular people much and there isn't really a Divine Scale of Ugly out there, even for the pros. They might sound off on runway choices, but they do not care who is sitting next to them on the subway because...they do have days when their deodorant fails or they were up all night and look like shit. So if you have the people who live and breathe this stuff just not giving a fuck about it, why are you judging yourself worse than they are?
The whole ideas of a hierarchy of beauty/acceptability on some kind of global scale is maintained by either humans in an early stage of social development (i.e. teenagers) or people who would find a reason to be shitty to people no matter what. There is no determinant of "ugly" that encompasses a person. There is no repulsive.
Also, explore when these thoughts come to you. For me, I judged myself that way when I was actually avoiding other feelings. It was like a tic that prevented me from feeling larger things, like...if I really am ugly, then I deserved to be bullied and humiliated. But if I'm not, or it doesn't matter, then I have to handle the fact that a) people being shitty to me is not within my control...buying the right clothes and makeup wouldn't actually change that, b) I don't live in a just world, and c) people that should have protected and loved me, did not.
Like, they didn't.
For no reason I could have changed.
This sucks.
Anyways, I hope this rambling helps. Use your body. Try to treat yourself as you would others, even in your thoughts. Keep on with therapy.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:49 AM on September 20, 2019
One of the things that has been hugely constructive for me in the past couple of years is realizing how incredibly invested capitalism is in wanting me to feel this way. Just how much shit and junk and unnecessary services NEED me to feel bad about myself and anxious about my shortcomings in order to sell me things to make myself feel better for a minute, and how well it works even when I know that's what's happening. My employer needs me to be anxious enough about obtaining and continuing to obtain these things that I will take the least possible payment in return for my labor. It goes on and on, and once you start seeing it it is hard to stop.
It has almost nothing to do with the source - you may have legitimate specific trauma that planted those seeds, or you may have just lived in the world and breathed the air of this messaging (or both, of course) - it just needs to tap into it, regardless of how it was installed. It needs you to not figure it out, not come to terms with it, not work it out in therapy. It has to control what the (entirely meaningless!) metric of "attractive" or "enough" or "good" or "deserving" is in order to make sure you never think you are those things, or you won't buy their crap or vote for your actual self-interest or stand up for yourself when someone wants power over you.
And that's before you EVEN get to the patriarchy and toxic masculinity, which is again about control and the economics of power.
Why do their work for them for free?
But also it sounds like this is persistent enough to qualify as intrusive thoughts, and you may need to tackle them ALSO from the angle of a compulsive disorder or neurochemical glitch. All the therapy in the world, and using anticapitalism as a rubber band around your wrist to snap every time they start to get to you, isn't going to make this entirely go away if the mechanism is biochemical.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:49 AM on September 20, 2019
It has almost nothing to do with the source - you may have legitimate specific trauma that planted those seeds, or you may have just lived in the world and breathed the air of this messaging (or both, of course) - it just needs to tap into it, regardless of how it was installed. It needs you to not figure it out, not come to terms with it, not work it out in therapy. It has to control what the (entirely meaningless!) metric of "attractive" or "enough" or "good" or "deserving" is in order to make sure you never think you are those things, or you won't buy their crap or vote for your actual self-interest or stand up for yourself when someone wants power over you.
And that's before you EVEN get to the patriarchy and toxic masculinity, which is again about control and the economics of power.
Why do their work for them for free?
But also it sounds like this is persistent enough to qualify as intrusive thoughts, and you may need to tackle them ALSO from the angle of a compulsive disorder or neurochemical glitch. All the therapy in the world, and using anticapitalism as a rubber band around your wrist to snap every time they start to get to you, isn't going to make this entirely go away if the mechanism is biochemical.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:49 AM on September 20, 2019
I am working on this problem. As far as I am intellectually aware, some people think I am attractive and some do not, I am generally average looking unless you really dig Jewish redheads. My personality is wicked awesome and so I become more attractive to people who get to know me. But when I look in the mirror, I often see... yuck. In the past I sought out casual sex to feel attractive. But now I know I'm sexy, if not remotely beautiful so even if I thought about doing that again it probably wouldn't help.
So instead I throw my heart into living my values, and I feel good about myself that way. Thinking about how awful the beauty industry is also helps. I draw on eyebrows every day because mine have become invisible (I'm in my 40's) but I don't use other makeup on a daily basis because why should I. I don't wear heels, effing OUCH. I live in my actual body, the way it is, because it's mine. I've been physically abused and sexually assaulted so owning it is a big deal.
I dunno. Basic message: you're not alone.
posted by wellred at 8:05 AM on September 20, 2019
So instead I throw my heart into living my values, and I feel good about myself that way. Thinking about how awful the beauty industry is also helps. I draw on eyebrows every day because mine have become invisible (I'm in my 40's) but I don't use other makeup on a daily basis because why should I. I don't wear heels, effing OUCH. I live in my actual body, the way it is, because it's mine. I've been physically abused and sexually assaulted so owning it is a big deal.
I dunno. Basic message: you're not alone.
posted by wellred at 8:05 AM on September 20, 2019
You may have seen this already, and apologies for linking to an advertisement, but I found this a really useful reminder (particularly from 40 seconds on). It's hard to have a positive body image when everywhere you look you're surrounded by impossible (literally humanly impossible) beauty standards. I'm sure there isn't a supermodel today who doesn't look at herself in the mirror overly critically, and they're supposed to be the gold standard. So don't beat yourself up for beating yourself up.
The self-hatred rabbit hole is deep and it doesn't end. But figuring out what the things are about you that you like (and there must be some), and focusing on them is a good place to start. Like, I I have an incredible collarbone. I broke it when I was 12, and now it juts out in a way that's really amazing, if I'm wearing the right neckline. And I don't generally dress to show it off, and even when I do I'd bet that literally no one will notice it or find it noteworthy to notice. But it's great to have something I'm proud off looks-wise that's pretty much just for me. Find what the things are that you like about you, and talk with your therapist about how to recognize them as your starting point. Even if - especially if - it includes your smile. I think 90% of the time that's what people notice when they think someone is attractive.
posted by Mchelly at 8:19 AM on September 20, 2019
The self-hatred rabbit hole is deep and it doesn't end. But figuring out what the things are about you that you like (and there must be some), and focusing on them is a good place to start. Like, I I have an incredible collarbone. I broke it when I was 12, and now it juts out in a way that's really amazing, if I'm wearing the right neckline. And I don't generally dress to show it off, and even when I do I'd bet that literally no one will notice it or find it noteworthy to notice. But it's great to have something I'm proud off looks-wise that's pretty much just for me. Find what the things are that you like about you, and talk with your therapist about how to recognize them as your starting point. Even if - especially if - it includes your smile. I think 90% of the time that's what people notice when they think someone is attractive.
posted by Mchelly at 8:19 AM on September 20, 2019
The truth is, hating ourselves wasn’t how we started–
it was what we were taught.
We learn to hate ourselves through other people. We don't start out that way. We learn to hate ourselves because others tell us that we're horrible in their eyes. Do you go on giant hate jags about yourself when you're alone and happily doing your hobbies or whatever? Most likely not, you go on the hate jag after someone yells at you on the freeway or you got in trouble at work or you forgot to do the dishes and now your wife is mad.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:28 AM on September 20, 2019
it was what we were taught.
We learn to hate ourselves through other people. We don't start out that way. We learn to hate ourselves because others tell us that we're horrible in their eyes. Do you go on giant hate jags about yourself when you're alone and happily doing your hobbies or whatever? Most likely not, you go on the hate jag after someone yells at you on the freeway or you got in trouble at work or you forgot to do the dishes and now your wife is mad.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:28 AM on September 20, 2019
You know these thoughts are lies. Part of what helps is to reduce their intrusion into your thoughts. Google Stop Intrusive Thoughts. This isn't meant to be a just google it answer, but a reframing of the question.
posted by theora55 at 9:11 AM on September 20, 2019
posted by theora55 at 9:11 AM on September 20, 2019
It's an ongoing process. One factor was teaching myself to say " my body is doing the best it can for me and is worthy of love." Which it is! Your body, like all bodies, is imperfect. But you are alive, so it is also miraculous.
It is also an act of defiance to love your body and cherish it. It is giving the middle finger to those who put you down.
These are things you have to practice by changing your self-talk. Thank your body for what it does all day every day. Dwell on whatever you enjoy about it. I personally have a very sensitive nose, and take pride in that, for example. I'm sure there are things your body does well
Take time to list them when you are down.
posted by emjaybee at 12:13 PM on September 20, 2019
It is also an act of defiance to love your body and cherish it. It is giving the middle finger to those who put you down.
These are things you have to practice by changing your self-talk. Thank your body for what it does all day every day. Dwell on whatever you enjoy about it. I personally have a very sensitive nose, and take pride in that, for example. I'm sure there are things your body does well
Take time to list them when you are down.
posted by emjaybee at 12:13 PM on September 20, 2019
Long before I was able to see myself as attractive, I was able to be okay with how I looked because I reminded myself that I didn't owe anyone being attractive. The world doesn't only exist for beautiful, skinny, sexy people. This quote, which appears to be attributed to Erin McKean, helps me:
“You don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don’t owe it to your mother, you don’t owe it to your children, you don’t owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked ‘female’.”
I have come around to thinking of myself as average looking, though fat, and that's great, but when all I could think about what how ugly I was, I reminded myself that it is not actually an offense to anyone to be ugly. No one is actually harmed by being near my ugliness. Maybe that will help you get through till you are able to admire yourself more.
posted by gideonfrog at 12:26 PM on September 20, 2019
“You don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don’t owe it to your mother, you don’t owe it to your children, you don’t owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked ‘female’.”
I have come around to thinking of myself as average looking, though fat, and that's great, but when all I could think about what how ugly I was, I reminded myself that it is not actually an offense to anyone to be ugly. No one is actually harmed by being near my ugliness. Maybe that will help you get through till you are able to admire yourself more.
posted by gideonfrog at 12:26 PM on September 20, 2019
I read a good Reddit thread about this back in December. The whole thread is good, but one answer really stuck with me.
posted by limeonaire at 12:33 PM on September 20, 2019
posted by limeonaire at 12:33 PM on September 20, 2019
I kind of created my own unorthodox way of conquering my own anxiety/issues about beauty standards and where i fit into them. It started with my driver's license photo. I was about to move and i knew i would only have the license for a month or two before getting a new one. I have NEVER had a license photo that didn't destroy me on some level, and i dreaded having to do this. so i decided to lean into it and go in looking intentionally terrible. That lipstick that always was really wrong? Wore that. Bronzer and blush that looked terrible? Check. I filled in the center of my eyebrows, took my glasses off so that lazy eye was uncorrected, did nothing to tame my hair. I practiced making the face that always made me cringe when i saw pictures of myself. I looked objectively ugly. And the picture was atrocious. In a strange way, it was like all that pressure to look good, to hide how unattractive i thought i was, just lifted because i wasn't playing that game. I opted out. I guess i never realized i could do that before. It was a game changer for me, probably in a "face my fear" kind of way and breaking the emotional grip this anxiety held over me. It was the first step in getting over myself which three years down the road has brought me to the place of being really happy with how I look, beauty standards be damned.
I did this again for another driver's license photo. By that point, my friends loved this as some sort of performance art piece which culminated in a group studio portrait of us all looking our absolute intentional worst. There is no power in ugliness for us anymore, the sting and fear are gone.
posted by August Fury at 2:44 PM on September 20, 2019
I did this again for another driver's license photo. By that point, my friends loved this as some sort of performance art piece which culminated in a group studio portrait of us all looking our absolute intentional worst. There is no power in ugliness for us anymore, the sting and fear are gone.
posted by August Fury at 2:44 PM on September 20, 2019
I'll second the people who have already mentioned exercise, and I'll specifically (and potentially controversially) mention "the gym."
In addition to what everyone else said about appreciating your body for the amazing things it can do, there's something to be said for just desensitizing yourself to seeing your face and your body head-to-toe in the mirror, in tight clothes, for minutes at a stretch. I'm pretty sure I'm not objectively any more attractive than I was 2-3 years ago when I started going to the gym regularly, but I feel a lot more confident about how I look, both at the gym and everywhere else. I really do think it has a lot to do with just not being surprised when I see myself in the mirror.
I do realize this is directly contrary to some other posters' thoughts; hope a diversity of opinion is helpful to you.
Bonus hot take: If you like the way your face looks in lipstick, wear lipstick at the gym.
posted by slenderloris at 3:06 PM on September 20, 2019
In addition to what everyone else said about appreciating your body for the amazing things it can do, there's something to be said for just desensitizing yourself to seeing your face and your body head-to-toe in the mirror, in tight clothes, for minutes at a stretch. I'm pretty sure I'm not objectively any more attractive than I was 2-3 years ago when I started going to the gym regularly, but I feel a lot more confident about how I look, both at the gym and everywhere else. I really do think it has a lot to do with just not being surprised when I see myself in the mirror.
I do realize this is directly contrary to some other posters' thoughts; hope a diversity of opinion is helpful to you.
Bonus hot take: If you like the way your face looks in lipstick, wear lipstick at the gym.
posted by slenderloris at 3:06 PM on September 20, 2019
My grandmother was a model. My mom had disordered patterns and thoughts around eating. My two grandmothers were from very different cultures where one would say "You look good, have you gained some weight?" and the other would say "You look good, have you lost some weight?" and while it's nice to have someone tell you that you looked okay, the opposite was also true ("You're looking bad, did you put on weight?").
My mom was cheap with us growing up (I thought we were poor, we were not poor.) and was neglectful so I mostly dressed myself with no money and predictable results. Kids made fun of me, a lot. I have no real idea what I look like, but I suspect it's strange most of the time. Which is okay with me now and that okay feeling is made up of a few things.
1. A thing my mother told me when I was a teenager and moping about... something to do with my looks. She talked about how she was often down on herself (she was a heavy kid but then got skinny in college which wasn't really great for her either) until she had children and then she was like "Well whatever about this body I have, but you know what IT WORKS" Now, I did not have children (did not care to) but I have that feeling when I accomplish a thing with my body whether it's going for a nice walk, or having sex that is fun, or even cleaning the tub out. "Hey this body may be weird but you know what, IT WORKS" and I'm happy for that.
2. I have a kind and loving partner who truly enjoys me. We both encourage each other towards more and better self talk. It's a joke with my friends now where one of them will say "Oh man I bombed that trivia quiz I SUCK" and I'll make a little motion with my hand and be like "Hey now, positive slef talk!" it's chirpy but it's also worth working on with people who care about you. You deserve good friends, you should be a good friend to yourself. Catch yourself talking shit about yourself? What would you say to a friend who said that? Be a better friend to yourself.
3. What Lyn Never said "realizing how incredibly invested capitalism is in wanting me to feel this way." I stopped consuming so much ad-based media (mostly TV aimed at people in my demographic) and it was strange how much I felt better not looking at photos of people who were exceptionally airbrushedly beautiful, and looking at messages that were like "You are not enough" You know what? I am enough. I go to my local gym, in my small town, and I see all kinds of women (it's a college gym but the community goes) who are prancing around in the locker room with their saggy this and their wrinkled that and if they can do it, so can I.
I wish you luck, it's a process, sure. It's useful to know that there are many many ways to be enough, to be normal, all kinds of people are normal. Weird people are normal. We're not all normative (I still think i look strange a lot of the time, strange is okay) and that is just fine.
posted by jessamyn at 5:24 PM on September 20, 2019
My mom was cheap with us growing up (I thought we were poor, we were not poor.) and was neglectful so I mostly dressed myself with no money and predictable results. Kids made fun of me, a lot. I have no real idea what I look like, but I suspect it's strange most of the time. Which is okay with me now and that okay feeling is made up of a few things.
1. A thing my mother told me when I was a teenager and moping about... something to do with my looks. She talked about how she was often down on herself (she was a heavy kid but then got skinny in college which wasn't really great for her either) until she had children and then she was like "Well whatever about this body I have, but you know what IT WORKS" Now, I did not have children (did not care to) but I have that feeling when I accomplish a thing with my body whether it's going for a nice walk, or having sex that is fun, or even cleaning the tub out. "Hey this body may be weird but you know what, IT WORKS" and I'm happy for that.
2. I have a kind and loving partner who truly enjoys me. We both encourage each other towards more and better self talk. It's a joke with my friends now where one of them will say "Oh man I bombed that trivia quiz I SUCK" and I'll make a little motion with my hand and be like "Hey now, positive slef talk!" it's chirpy but it's also worth working on with people who care about you. You deserve good friends, you should be a good friend to yourself. Catch yourself talking shit about yourself? What would you say to a friend who said that? Be a better friend to yourself.
3. What Lyn Never said "realizing how incredibly invested capitalism is in wanting me to feel this way." I stopped consuming so much ad-based media (mostly TV aimed at people in my demographic) and it was strange how much I felt better not looking at photos of people who were exceptionally airbrushedly beautiful, and looking at messages that were like "You are not enough" You know what? I am enough. I go to my local gym, in my small town, and I see all kinds of women (it's a college gym but the community goes) who are prancing around in the locker room with their saggy this and their wrinkled that and if they can do it, so can I.
I wish you luck, it's a process, sure. It's useful to know that there are many many ways to be enough, to be normal, all kinds of people are normal. Weird people are normal. We're not all normative (I still think i look strange a lot of the time, strange is okay) and that is just fine.
posted by jessamyn at 5:24 PM on September 20, 2019
Also, a bit of a song to get stuck in your head: It never says a bad word about me
posted by Lyn Never at 7:02 PM on September 20, 2019
posted by Lyn Never at 7:02 PM on September 20, 2019
Is there any chance you're on the transgender spectrum? I couldn't look in the mirror for 25 years before I realized that I was trans (at 33!) And then alllllll the subtle self destruction became clear
posted by Jacen at 7:47 PM on September 20, 2019
posted by Jacen at 7:47 PM on September 20, 2019
I couldn't look in the mirror for 25 years before I realized that I was trans (at 33!)
Came here to say basically this. OP, I used to feel the way you describe. It was frustrating as hell, because like you, I knew there was nothing objectively wrong with me, but I just carried around this core of self-loathing and shame.
Accepting that, even though I was assigned female at birth, I'm not female, basically unlocked this. It's weird, I've only made a few, pretty superficial, changes (cut my hair, changed my style of dress) but ... I can look at myself in the mirror now. I can bear to see myself in photographs. And a couple of months ago, I suddenly realized that immovable well of shame was just ... gone. I still have things I feel bad/ashamed/etc about, but it's about specific things, and it feels more like the way I think normal human beings feel.
This is ridiculously common with trans people, but I've seen cis friends go through similar things. In most cases, there was something that was at the root of this self-hatred. Childhood trauma maybe, or something about themselves they were fighting against. I think any time there's something about you that runs counter to what you were taught you should be - that can be a source of deep shame. Figuring out what that is, and allowing yourself to truly be that thing, even if it makes life harder in a lot of ways, that can be really powerful for undoing shame. It's also really fucking hard. Because whatever is suppressing the part of you that wants to be true has a lot of experience, and is really good at its job. But therapy can help with this.
posted by the sockening at 9:31 PM on September 20, 2019
Came here to say basically this. OP, I used to feel the way you describe. It was frustrating as hell, because like you, I knew there was nothing objectively wrong with me, but I just carried around this core of self-loathing and shame.
Accepting that, even though I was assigned female at birth, I'm not female, basically unlocked this. It's weird, I've only made a few, pretty superficial, changes (cut my hair, changed my style of dress) but ... I can look at myself in the mirror now. I can bear to see myself in photographs. And a couple of months ago, I suddenly realized that immovable well of shame was just ... gone. I still have things I feel bad/ashamed/etc about, but it's about specific things, and it feels more like the way I think normal human beings feel.
This is ridiculously common with trans people, but I've seen cis friends go through similar things. In most cases, there was something that was at the root of this self-hatred. Childhood trauma maybe, or something about themselves they were fighting against. I think any time there's something about you that runs counter to what you were taught you should be - that can be a source of deep shame. Figuring out what that is, and allowing yourself to truly be that thing, even if it makes life harder in a lot of ways, that can be really powerful for undoing shame. It's also really fucking hard. Because whatever is suppressing the part of you that wants to be true has a lot of experience, and is really good at its job. But therapy can help with this.
posted by the sockening at 9:31 PM on September 20, 2019
For me, those feelings are tied in a pretty straightforward way to the ideas about race and gender that I received from my parents, but it was only after five years of working with an excellent therapist that I was able to see that connection. Earlier in life, I tried a lot of other things: “not caring” how I looked, getting into shape, etc. These did have benefits, but they were minimal compared to the Copernican shifts in perspective I experienced in therapy. When I was growing up, I did not experience unconditional love or reliable support or respect for my personal boundaries. If you had any kind of similar life experiences, you might be surprised at the impact a positive therapeutic relationship (not easy to find, I know) can have on your experience of living in your body. Good luck to you!
posted by mustard seeds at 1:01 AM on September 21, 2019
posted by mustard seeds at 1:01 AM on September 21, 2019
Our parents were fine just the way they were but didn't know it or believe it and played out their dramas and stories. You have a story that you are gross and unattractive. You can drop the story if you want to. Our stories allow us to stay victims. Sometimes we like being victims. When we're victims we can blame other people.
My story is that I used to obsess too much over my appearance and wonder if I were pretty enough. Am I pretty enough to attract this person? If you saw me walking down the street would you notice and think I were sexy? Am I pretty enough to be hanging out with the other pretty people? This kind of thinking is a combination of ego and poor self-esteem mixed with self-indulgence.
The ego concentrates on lack and comparison. Am I good enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I prettier or uglier than her? Am I just as pretty? The ego also likes to feel superior. It can feel superior when it thinks others are inferior -- I'm prettier than her, therefore I'm better. It's not real.
Maybe your feelings about you appearance are leftover remnants from less than ideal parenting models but you aren't a child anymore and you can choose to look at reality if you want to. It takes practice.
When the false thoughts come up, pause and breathe and notice. Try not to think at all. Have no opinion on your appearance. You just are. You are a divine human being moving through space. You don't have to think at all if you're attractive or not. Because they are just thoughts originating from the thinking mind that is separate from who you are. What will happen if you drop your story? You get to be free.
posted by loveandhappiness at 9:30 AM on September 21, 2019
My story is that I used to obsess too much over my appearance and wonder if I were pretty enough. Am I pretty enough to attract this person? If you saw me walking down the street would you notice and think I were sexy? Am I pretty enough to be hanging out with the other pretty people? This kind of thinking is a combination of ego and poor self-esteem mixed with self-indulgence.
The ego concentrates on lack and comparison. Am I good enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I prettier or uglier than her? Am I just as pretty? The ego also likes to feel superior. It can feel superior when it thinks others are inferior -- I'm prettier than her, therefore I'm better. It's not real.
Maybe your feelings about you appearance are leftover remnants from less than ideal parenting models but you aren't a child anymore and you can choose to look at reality if you want to. It takes practice.
When the false thoughts come up, pause and breathe and notice. Try not to think at all. Have no opinion on your appearance. You just are. You are a divine human being moving through space. You don't have to think at all if you're attractive or not. Because they are just thoughts originating from the thinking mind that is separate from who you are. What will happen if you drop your story? You get to be free.
posted by loveandhappiness at 9:30 AM on September 21, 2019
https://the-orbit.net/zinniajones/2013/09/that-was-dysphoria-8-signs-and-symptoms-of-indirect-gender-dysphoria/
Here's an article that significantly helped me in my 'am I trans' phase
posted by Jacen at 1:33 PM on October 1, 2019
Here's an article that significantly helped me in my 'am I trans' phase
posted by Jacen at 1:33 PM on October 1, 2019
« Older I want to play it cool... but not too cool. | Good Layman's Bio of Frederick Douglass? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
I feel more afraid of being unattractive when I lose my sense of independence. Do you feel, even in some small way, that you need to be attractive in order to survive? Maybe sit with that thought and examine if it is true.
One last thought is I really like the poem Desiderata by Max Ehrmann, and I think it has two nice passages that apply here:
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
and,
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
I wish you good luck as you work on this. I think we all struggle with this feeling from time to time, and so do the pretty people. Maybe especially the pretty people.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 5:29 AM on September 20, 2019