Tips for surviving a potentially awkward meeting?
August 26, 2019 10:45 AM
Hi, AskMe. :)
I have a meeting with one of my company's clients tomorrow, a person who has a reputation for being abrasive and has apparently been rather confrontational to my coworkers in the recent past. I'm going to be demoing some software bugs for them, and am anxious about the whole process. I'd appreciate some tips for surviving this.
I realize I'm probably fretting over something which will be less difficult than I anticipate, but the prospect of potential awkwardness still fills me with anxiety.
This person apparently called into question my coworkers' competency and training in an earlier meeting. I'm supposed to be the "expert," on mac OS accessibility, which no one else on my team is, but I'm far less familiar with the particular product we're testing/debugging, as it's not a thing I use frequently in daily work at all. I'm afraid of being called out on not doing things "correctly," or not being as efficient as i could be. One of my coworkers will be present to help me run through the bugs, but it's largely going to be my show.
Any tips on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much, all.
I realize I'm probably fretting over something which will be less difficult than I anticipate, but the prospect of potential awkwardness still fills me with anxiety.
This person apparently called into question my coworkers' competency and training in an earlier meeting. I'm supposed to be the "expert," on mac OS accessibility, which no one else on my team is, but I'm far less familiar with the particular product we're testing/debugging, as it's not a thing I use frequently in daily work at all. I'm afraid of being called out on not doing things "correctly," or not being as efficient as i could be. One of my coworkers will be present to help me run through the bugs, but it's largely going to be my show.
Any tips on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much, all.
This is your show, and you know more than this client, and he knows it. Don't lose sight of that fact. He needs you and your expertise, and he's in no position to doubt you.
Yes, I'm using the pronoun "he", because come on.
posted by BostonTerrier at 10:58 AM on August 26, 2019
Yes, I'm using the pronoun "he", because come on.
posted by BostonTerrier at 10:58 AM on August 26, 2019
Intimidation only works if the other party is intimidated, otherwise it falls kind of flat. It's at least somewhat up to you how much you let this person intimidate you.
Go into the meeting with a neutral mindset, but on the assumption that it will go well. If the individual starts to get confrontational, you have a bunch of options, but overall your strategy is to focus on the goal of the meeting and redirect the behaviour.
If this person is critical but you can roll with it, keep your cool and carry on. If they start getting what feels like unnecessarily hostile for the workplace, you have a few options. It's okay to call out what they're doing: "that wasn't a helpful observation, let's get back to [topic]", "wow, that was a hurtful thing to say". Or you can look at them like you're really puzzled and bemused by how they're behaving (but, notably, not intimidated or manipulated by it in any way). You want to get back to the purpose of the meeting and they're derailing. If calling it out feels hostile, remember that this person escalated the hostility first. Being intimidating relies on other people being too polite to call out the behaviour, and letting it influence how they in turn behave. Be baffled that the person is acting this way. Describe what you see. Return to the task at hand.
Basically, turn into a cheerful, slightly-robotic version of yourself if this person begins to get abrasive. Give them no purchase. Ask them what they're trying to achieve and how it contributes to the success of the task at hand.
If awkwardness is the main concern, remember that they made it awkward, they broke the social contract first. Remember that you are a reasonable person doing the best you can around a person who can sometimes be unreasonable.
Also, it might be worth thinking about what the absolute worst thing that could happen is. It doesn't sound like this person has the power to fire you or impact how your performance is perceived. It also sounds like they're known for being difficult, so if they're critical of you, you can downgrade that criticism internally from "information about myself that I value and need to pay attention to or feel bad about" to "an opinion about myself by a person whose opinion I don't put a lot of weight behind". If the worst that could happen is you have a kind of uncomfortable meeting with someone, and then the meeting is over after a fixed period of time, you can definitely survive that!
posted by terretu at 11:09 AM on August 26, 2019
Go into the meeting with a neutral mindset, but on the assumption that it will go well. If the individual starts to get confrontational, you have a bunch of options, but overall your strategy is to focus on the goal of the meeting and redirect the behaviour.
If this person is critical but you can roll with it, keep your cool and carry on. If they start getting what feels like unnecessarily hostile for the workplace, you have a few options. It's okay to call out what they're doing: "that wasn't a helpful observation, let's get back to [topic]", "wow, that was a hurtful thing to say". Or you can look at them like you're really puzzled and bemused by how they're behaving (but, notably, not intimidated or manipulated by it in any way). You want to get back to the purpose of the meeting and they're derailing. If calling it out feels hostile, remember that this person escalated the hostility first. Being intimidating relies on other people being too polite to call out the behaviour, and letting it influence how they in turn behave. Be baffled that the person is acting this way. Describe what you see. Return to the task at hand.
Basically, turn into a cheerful, slightly-robotic version of yourself if this person begins to get abrasive. Give them no purchase. Ask them what they're trying to achieve and how it contributes to the success of the task at hand.
If awkwardness is the main concern, remember that they made it awkward, they broke the social contract first. Remember that you are a reasonable person doing the best you can around a person who can sometimes be unreasonable.
Also, it might be worth thinking about what the absolute worst thing that could happen is. It doesn't sound like this person has the power to fire you or impact how your performance is perceived. It also sounds like they're known for being difficult, so if they're critical of you, you can downgrade that criticism internally from "information about myself that I value and need to pay attention to or feel bad about" to "an opinion about myself by a person whose opinion I don't put a lot of weight behind". If the worst that could happen is you have a kind of uncomfortable meeting with someone, and then the meeting is over after a fixed period of time, you can definitely survive that!
posted by terretu at 11:09 AM on August 26, 2019
If this person already has a reputation for being abrasive and confrontational, it may be helpful to remind yourself that it's not you, it's them making the situation uncomfortable/awkward. Even if you were were the all-knowing demigod of the product you're testing, this client would probably still find ways to be a jagoff. So when/if they do so, don't take it as evidence of your own inadequacy - your company trusts you to run this show for a reason, and I'm guessing that reason is not because they expect you to be 100% flawless with a product you're not intimately familiar with.
Do your job as well as you can, and let the client's jerkitude be a burden for them to bear - don't carry it out of the meeting with you. Good luck, you'll get through this!
posted by DingoMutt at 11:09 AM on August 26, 2019
Do your job as well as you can, and let the client's jerkitude be a burden for them to bear - don't carry it out of the meeting with you. Good luck, you'll get through this!
posted by DingoMutt at 11:09 AM on August 26, 2019
I'm with caek here. Is there some way your manager can sit in on the meeting or participate via speakerphone?
Perhaps just knowing that someone higher up is in the room will make your customer behave better, and at the least your manager should back you up if something confrontational begins to happen. At minimum, there's a witness.
posted by JoeZydeco at 11:09 AM on August 26, 2019
Perhaps just knowing that someone higher up is in the room will make your customer behave better, and at the least your manager should back you up if something confrontational begins to happen. At minimum, there's a witness.
posted by JoeZydeco at 11:09 AM on August 26, 2019
If you haven't met this guy before, there's an opportunity to give him a reputation to live up to, one that recasts his bluster in a way you can deal with. So this example may not be on point, since I know little about your field, but saying something like, "I was looking forward to this meeting because I've heard that you're tough but fair and mostly interested in understanding and solving [the problems], which is my objective as well and why [the company] has put me on the case." Now you've set parameters for his behavior and given yourself a way to get back to the purpose of the meeting if he gets out of line.
posted by carmicha at 12:05 PM on August 26, 2019
posted by carmicha at 12:05 PM on August 26, 2019
Don't laugh at him (omg no) but be just on the verge.
posted by sammyo at 12:55 PM on August 26, 2019
posted by sammyo at 12:55 PM on August 26, 2019
It's much easier to keep your cool if you emotionally rehearse ahead of time. Here's something he might say. Here's the feeling that will arise in me. Here's the split second in which I take a breath, let my eyes' focus blur, let my brain relax, and let his comment blow through me harmlessly like wind through a screen door. Then here's me saying something mild and moving on. Also, figure out what images help you. If that screen-door image doesn't help, you could try the real me is sitting up on a cloud, where insults can't hurt me at all, watching on-earth me handle this the way we agreed. Another option I use is I'm in a transparent bubble and he's outside of it, so the force field deflects the insult.
Besides protecting yourself from letting any insults land, it also helps to find ways to let stress out if it does start to build. Relaxing my eyes as though I were looking into the distance helps. I also will sometimes make a little X on the page, as though the wrongness of their comment (or my own mistake) is expressed there, so I can let it go. You can also quickly discharge the outrage of "I cannot believe he just said that" by writing down what he said. That's a way of keeping a straight face and seeming focused, while quietly knowing that you're keeping records for either HR or your own later amusement.
posted by salvia at 1:14 PM on August 26, 2019
Besides protecting yourself from letting any insults land, it also helps to find ways to let stress out if it does start to build. Relaxing my eyes as though I were looking into the distance helps. I also will sometimes make a little X on the page, as though the wrongness of their comment (or my own mistake) is expressed there, so I can let it go. You can also quickly discharge the outrage of "I cannot believe he just said that" by writing down what he said. That's a way of keeping a straight face and seeming focused, while quietly knowing that you're keeping records for either HR or your own later amusement.
posted by salvia at 1:14 PM on August 26, 2019
Be professional and kill them with kindness. Greet them warmly and with respect. Be as assured as possible and when you don't know something -- admit it -- if it's not detrimental to your job.
I work with the public and come face-to-face with dozens of people daily at my workplace. Usually a difficult person can be disarmed if you don't engage in a battle of egos (no defensiveness) and keep it professional and very polite. Politeness is key. They don't know what to do with it.
posted by loveandhappiness at 1:23 PM on August 26, 2019
I work with the public and come face-to-face with dozens of people daily at my workplace. Usually a difficult person can be disarmed if you don't engage in a battle of egos (no defensiveness) and keep it professional and very polite. Politeness is key. They don't know what to do with it.
posted by loveandhappiness at 1:23 PM on August 26, 2019
People like that are often susceptible to flattery -- believable, sincere flattery. Or you could call it "positive noticing". Do a little research on them to find out what they're likely to be proud of that you'll also be able to observe directly.
posted by amtho at 1:45 PM on August 26, 2019
posted by amtho at 1:45 PM on August 26, 2019
Or also - comment on their well-known expertise, and say that their opinion means a lot to you. That might help.
Also - you're already forewarned, so you're less likely to be wounded by something they say. You already know it's not personal.
The main hurt to you might be feeling shamed in front of your co-workers or manager. Make sure they know how hard you're working on this, how much thought you've put into it, and get positive feedback from them beforehand. Then, if this person calls you an incompetent idiot, you'll already know that your coworkers know enough to know it's not true.
posted by amtho at 1:48 PM on August 26, 2019
Also - you're already forewarned, so you're less likely to be wounded by something they say. You already know it's not personal.
The main hurt to you might be feeling shamed in front of your co-workers or manager. Make sure they know how hard you're working on this, how much thought you've put into it, and get positive feedback from them beforehand. Then, if this person calls you an incompetent idiot, you'll already know that your coworkers know enough to know it's not true.
posted by amtho at 1:48 PM on August 26, 2019
Do they have a point in any of their upset? I start there with angry clients. Acknowledging their perspective and validating it does wonders for angry clients when they feel they are being “handled.”
Then reframe all hostility from them is at their situation and not you - it’s you and them against the problem, not you vs them.
And if that doesn’t work - the polite amusement by their antics and Refocusing to the task at hand as described above is very helpful. They are already angry - you didn’t do anything to make them angry - try not to personalize it.
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 2:35 PM on August 26, 2019
Then reframe all hostility from them is at their situation and not you - it’s you and them against the problem, not you vs them.
And if that doesn’t work - the polite amusement by their antics and Refocusing to the task at hand as described above is very helpful. They are already angry - you didn’t do anything to make them angry - try not to personalize it.
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 2:35 PM on August 26, 2019
You're demoing SW so I'm going to assume you're familiar with the Agile methodology of SW development, but you could of course google it if not.
If you've ever worked in a TRULY SAFe Agile environment, you know that you end standups with a hippy-dippy routine that can be as simple as "Snap on 3..." or as complex as a name-game with dance moves that the group repeats, or anything in between. Whenever I am introducing a person not familiar with Agile to a group already doing it, I give them kind of a knowing-nod / wry-smile when they look askance at me about these little routines.
This usually leads to a brief conversation that goes something along the lines like "Yeah, I know, it seems like something out of kindergarten, but trust me, just go along with it." And they're like "OK..." and I'm like "Sometimes we do these things with adults too so that we can remind them how to play nice with others." and by then usually the person gets it.
I've handled toxic clients like this, and first off, let me tell you: your fears are valid and it sucks being afraid and I'm sorry you have to feel that way. It's not OK for them to act like that and get away with it just because they're a client, but sometimes life isn't fair.
The best framework I've come to put on it is that this person is acting immature and unprofessional and they happen to be in a position as the client to get away with it. So, they're not being very Agile, are they? They're not going to play nice. I'd personally approach them like a child who isn't playing nice and won't play by the rules: their behavior is telling you something about themselves, not about the software, the bugs, the demo, the team, or yourself. They're telling you something about them, and they don't even know they're doing it. So, no point in taking it personal.
Now, you're not their psychiatrist, and you're not going to be able to do a session with them in front of everyone, but you're armed with some powerful knowledge that nobody else in the room might have. At the very least, it can give you some mental arm-space from this client and their toxicity as you depersonalize it from yourself.
Good luck, and again: sorry you have to deal with this broken person.
posted by allkindsoftime at 3:38 PM on August 26, 2019
If you've ever worked in a TRULY SAFe Agile environment, you know that you end standups with a hippy-dippy routine that can be as simple as "Snap on 3..." or as complex as a name-game with dance moves that the group repeats, or anything in between. Whenever I am introducing a person not familiar with Agile to a group already doing it, I give them kind of a knowing-nod / wry-smile when they look askance at me about these little routines.
This usually leads to a brief conversation that goes something along the lines like "Yeah, I know, it seems like something out of kindergarten, but trust me, just go along with it." And they're like "OK..." and I'm like "Sometimes we do these things with adults too so that we can remind them how to play nice with others." and by then usually the person gets it.
I've handled toxic clients like this, and first off, let me tell you: your fears are valid and it sucks being afraid and I'm sorry you have to feel that way. It's not OK for them to act like that and get away with it just because they're a client, but sometimes life isn't fair.
The best framework I've come to put on it is that this person is acting immature and unprofessional and they happen to be in a position as the client to get away with it. So, they're not being very Agile, are they? They're not going to play nice. I'd personally approach them like a child who isn't playing nice and won't play by the rules: their behavior is telling you something about themselves, not about the software, the bugs, the demo, the team, or yourself. They're telling you something about them, and they don't even know they're doing it. So, no point in taking it personal.
Now, you're not their psychiatrist, and you're not going to be able to do a session with them in front of everyone, but you're armed with some powerful knowledge that nobody else in the room might have. At the very least, it can give you some mental arm-space from this client and their toxicity as you depersonalize it from yourself.
Good luck, and again: sorry you have to deal with this broken person.
posted by allkindsoftime at 3:38 PM on August 26, 2019
I deal with this all the time, I do not think allkindsoftime's approach will work as it has not worked for me in the past, It is great advice, I just haven't had a lot of efficacy in it.
However, what has worked is being incredibly anti-agile and incredibly professional, to the point where you sound like a doctor or lawyer. Is he going to bring up bugs? Great, come armed with a list of known bugs and the different statuses (Severity 1, Severity 2, etc.) and what those mean. Be ready to explain the QA process and how you identify and triage bugs. Is something a minor bug? Don't dismiss it, acknowledge it and set it to the correct priority. Acknowledge there might be bugs present in the demo but that this is a work in progress and you're merely showing functional progress and not a production ready product.
Make the demo itself as on script as possible. If you need an environment where the code base doesn't change, request it. I much rather do a demo with known bugs or things that I can talk to then being surprised in a demo. "Functionality X is not available right now, but is planned for Release Y on date X/X/XXXX" This is not agile, but that's okay.
That brings up another good point. Difficult clients really, really hate agile. This meeting is a demo and not a time to teach them about software project management. Some things you might say naturally, "done in next sprint" will be taken with hostility. This is normal, not your fault! They don't understand it and likely have been burned in the past due to poor communication, so they have a bad reaction when they hear sprint. They hear "get the work done whenever you feel like it," and don't know that you removed functionality because you added functionality, etc. Unless you know the client is onboard with agile treat all questions with very very waterfall answers. Pretend you're building a deck, you don't want to hear "adding points to a sprint," you want to know if you can have a BBQ on it by labor day.
Finally, do a lot of pauses with "any questions," give them agency to ask questions. Write down their questions, this makes it look like you're engaged in what they're asking so if you have to say "I need to confirm this with my team," it doesn't look like you're ignoring the question.
posted by geoff. at 5:09 PM on August 26, 2019
However, what has worked is being incredibly anti-agile and incredibly professional, to the point where you sound like a doctor or lawyer. Is he going to bring up bugs? Great, come armed with a list of known bugs and the different statuses (Severity 1, Severity 2, etc.) and what those mean. Be ready to explain the QA process and how you identify and triage bugs. Is something a minor bug? Don't dismiss it, acknowledge it and set it to the correct priority. Acknowledge there might be bugs present in the demo but that this is a work in progress and you're merely showing functional progress and not a production ready product.
Make the demo itself as on script as possible. If you need an environment where the code base doesn't change, request it. I much rather do a demo with known bugs or things that I can talk to then being surprised in a demo. "Functionality X is not available right now, but is planned for Release Y on date X/X/XXXX" This is not agile, but that's okay.
That brings up another good point. Difficult clients really, really hate agile. This meeting is a demo and not a time to teach them about software project management. Some things you might say naturally, "done in next sprint" will be taken with hostility. This is normal, not your fault! They don't understand it and likely have been burned in the past due to poor communication, so they have a bad reaction when they hear sprint. They hear "get the work done whenever you feel like it," and don't know that you removed functionality because you added functionality, etc. Unless you know the client is onboard with agile treat all questions with very very waterfall answers. Pretend you're building a deck, you don't want to hear "adding points to a sprint," you want to know if you can have a BBQ on it by labor day.
Finally, do a lot of pauses with "any questions," give them agency to ask questions. Write down their questions, this makes it look like you're engaged in what they're asking so if you have to say "I need to confirm this with my team," it doesn't look like you're ignoring the question.
posted by geoff. at 5:09 PM on August 26, 2019
acknowledge it and set it to the correct priority
Correction, don't do this or anything like this in the meeting, acknowledge and pass the buck. They key is to not be bullied into committing to anything in the meeting itself. "The QA lead will follow up with you on that issue." And you have to make sure they do!
posted by geoff. at 5:14 PM on August 26, 2019
Correction, don't do this or anything like this in the meeting, acknowledge and pass the buck. They key is to not be bullied into committing to anything in the meeting itself. "The QA lead will follow up with you on that issue." And you have to make sure they do!
posted by geoff. at 5:14 PM on August 26, 2019
Just as a followup, the meeting went a lot smoother than I was expecting. The person I was worried about was definitely tough, but seemed to like me well enough as I apparently passed some tests she administered. THanks, all, for the advice and support.
posted by Alensin at 12:53 PM on August 27, 2019
posted by Alensin at 12:53 PM on August 27, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by caek at 10:50 AM on August 26, 2019