Can you have a funeral without small talk? Want to plan better funerals

June 8, 2019 3:19 AM

How do you have a funeral with minimal small talk? Or at least minimal small talk for the chief mourner? Or at least minimal small talk for ME, if I am the chief mourner?

This is hypothetical at the moment, but likely I will be the main planner of at least 3 funerals in the future...for my two parents and my husband. Hopefully these are all in the very distant future, which is why I'd like to do some workshopping now while life is calm to approximate the kind of experience I would prefer over the ones I have already had. (Hopefully we will all live a very long time and I will win by predeceasing everyone in a quick, painless, yet heroic manner, but in case this all lands in my lap....)

Sadly I've been a close mourner already for two funerals. These were for my 4 month old daughter (who died from a syndrome she was born with) and for my brother (who died from suicide at age 35).

From these two experiences I've formed some impressions and preferences. I've learned that a "visitation" where the family receives guests in the presence of an embalmed body is a definite NO for me...it's not so much the body, which I don't love, but more the freeform just lowthering about for hours. Also it's a whole extra day to the proceedings. So visitation: Hard pass.

I know that I do derive comfort and support from everybody showing up but find that any interaction that goes much past "I'm so sorry for your loss. Dearly Departed was very special to me" and "Thank you so much for coming, it means a lot to me that you are here" devolves very quickly into "so how are the kids? how's work? Good weather....." and that frays my sad little nerves to pieces, leaving me screaming internally "someone I love is DEAD! DEAD! Stop talking about things that don't matter! Go away and hug your beloveds while you still can!"

All of these future funerals will at least need to include a formal service and a feeding of the the mourners, and probably an internment of some sort. In the case of both my daughter's and brother's funerals there was an unforseen informal part where EVERYONE ENDED UP AT MY HOUSE, which I would definitely like to head off in future scenarios, possibly by renting a hotel conference room or pub or something to give people a place to be together after the official stuff but before they leave town. In my imagination I will NOT be at this part, but maybe it will be something I can drift in an out of with a hidey-hole to retreat to.

Anyway, if you have seen or hit upon some great structure for funerals that allows the bereaved to receive support but minimizes small talk, or in other wise makes for a experience that is a step up from your average awkward American funeral, tell it to me!

General cultural setting is Eastern U.S., mostly Catholics of greater or lesser lapsedness.

posted by Jenny'sCricket to Society & Culture (23 answers total)

I had a relative who was a Quaker; their death introduced me to Quaker funerals. Everyone sat in a circle (well, several nested circles) and spoke when they felt moved to do so. A lot of the time was just silent contemplation.

I pinched this format for a non quaker funeral that I had to organise : we rented a big room from a social club, and put the chairs out in the same style. I asked people to share in turn a little about how they knew the deceased. Then people spoke up with various memories, until it devolved into mingling and consuming the catering.

I could easily have snuck out half way through, left the rest of it to cousins and gone home if I'd felt the need. It was nice to hear from people, especially from people who'd known the deceased long before I did. It worked well to have this structured format that imposed a level of turn taking and self-editing.
posted by quacks like a duck at 3:57 AM on June 8, 2019 [11 favorites]

For the part you want to attend and interact at, have a close relative or friend (or multiple such) by your side at all times to run interference and shepherd you through the crowd when other mourners go beyond the amount of condolences you find comforting. Have an unobtrusive “get me out of here” signal that conjures up urgent business or another relation who needs attention right now. “Thank you so much for coming, but I need to take care of this, we’ll talk soon.”
posted by permiechickie at 4:10 AM on June 8, 2019 [18 favorites]

This isn’t a structure suggestion, exactly, but identify a close friend ahead of time to act as a bodyguard? Someone who won’t be intensely mourning themselves, but who can hover near you and break up the sort of unfocused chat you want to avoid?
posted by LizardBreath at 4:10 AM on June 8, 2019 [8 favorites]

I have had a similar positive experience with a Quaker funeral. A very good part, which I think you could adapt was that one of the elders spoke at the beginning to explain the format, what was going to happen and so on. He wasn't someone who was closest to the deceased, but basically picked as he was respected and thought best able to do that explaining part. It meant that at a gathering where the majority were not familiar with the format went totally smoothly.

Another option would be the pre-arranged exit strategy. At the funeral of a very beloved relative, his sister couldn't stand to be there at the crematorium, and knew that in advance. So it was arranged beforehand (stealthily) that someone would say that one of the youngest members of the funeral party was too upset to go to the crematorium, and wanted someone to stay with them, and oh, wasn't it nice that this person had just offered to do that? You need the key people in on this, so if, for example, someone else volunteers to stay behind, the other person will say 'no, I want it to be you'. It doesn't have to be that specific scenario, I'm just using it as an example.

I also like the bodyguard/running interference idea. It might even be helpful for the person being the 'bodyguard' - if you don't like sharing your grief in these sorts of situations, it can often be much easier to get through them if you have some sort of job to do. If you talk things through with close friends/family you may well find that someone jumps at the chance to have that sort of role that gives them a specific purpose at the funeral.
posted by Vortisaur at 4:24 AM on June 8, 2019 [3 favorites]

When my daughter died my husband and I knew we could get through the funeral but not the "come back to my place" part. So we dispatched information through the family tree that we would not be receiving visitors afterwards, and we worked with the funeral home to do the food there. So basically for us it went funeral, internment, home, and for everyone else (the funeral home was next to the cemetery) it went funeral, internment, back to the funeral home. If anyone had a problem with that, well, they weren't crass enough to let us know. (With one exception.)

I have also been the interference friend. It works a bit like this - you have a kind of receiving line at the funeral. Friend stands there. If someone talks too long, the friend zooms in and says "have you signed the guest book/seen the lovely flowers/gotten some coffee?" and scoops them up.

I'm so sorry for your losses present and future.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:44 AM on June 8, 2019 [20 favorites]

For my Mom's funeral, we had a small service at the funeral home chapel, where people gathered a short while before it started. It was pretty low key, hushed conversations and condolences before the service, which was short. Then a private internment, immediate family only.

We rented a cabin that had a kitchen and living room, and bedrooms for some family members who needed to stay overnight due to driving distance. Some people brought food and some was catered. My Dad was able to leave and go home when he felt he'd had enough, some others stayed a little while longer, then my sister and I cleaned up.

What I liked about this place, which was a cabin usually rented to say, hunters or vacationers, was that it had a living room and nice braided rug on the floor, where the little kids could play, and couches to make it feel homey, and a long dining room table with plenty of chairs, so people could gather in spots where they felt most comfortable. But there was no lingering, and my Dad didn't have to deal with all the extra food, which would have been overwhelming for him. One of my brothers went back home with him, so he wasn't entirely alone afterward, and the rest of us siblings checked in on him the next day and of course, afterward on a continuing basis.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 4:46 AM on June 8, 2019 [5 favorites]

I don't know what sort of budget you have, but my family arranges a private buffet at a restaurant after the funeral. The primary mourners usually go at least briefly, but sometimes they quietly opt out of it entirely.

The calling hours I've been to that avoided small talk did so had LOTS of people at them, so the receiving line moved quickly since they recognized it wasn't time to chat since other people were waiting behind them. I know that isn't something you can make happen, but having a very short period for it might not only limit your irritation but concentrate everyone there at once so they don't linger with you.
posted by metasarah at 5:02 AM on June 8, 2019 [3 favorites]

I'm a funeral celebrant, aka funeral officiant. We work in and outside the funeral home setting. A celebrant will sit down with you, either ahead of time if you want to plan ahead or when you have an immediate need, and help you create a path from the death of your loved one to the interment and reception (if you even have one) that accomplishes you want. If you have the rights of disposition (i.e. legal "next of kin") what you say will be the guiding direction. A celebrant will also ask about any concerns or difficulties you anticipate and suggest ways to avoid or minimize those.

For what you've described, you can really set up the path in a way that works for you. You don't need to have a visitation. At a funeral I would avoid any sense of a receiving line and suggest attendees write words of comfort in a book. A celebrant can run some interference, identify other friends who can pitch in with that, facilitate the proceedings along the way, and make announcements about what's going to happen and when. My experience is that when someone in a position of 'authority' like the celebrant or funeral director gives instructions, people simply follow them, especially in the setting of a funeral. There's a lot of standard language we use to give the primary mourner space and direct attendees to what they should do instead. My sense is that a 'bodyguards' who are known to the other guests can work in theory but it's harder to pull off in person because people feel it's "right" to connect with the primary mourner and redouble their efforts, or stick around and wait for an opening, when it's just Cousin Jenn who's protecting you.

For the reception, plan ahead with a venue that's not your home, feed the people, and perhaps have time set aside for spontaneous remembrances. This puts the focus on other people's love of the deceased, and not you. You can put in a brief appearance, attend as long as you want, or not go at all. Feel free to meMail me if you want.
posted by cocoagirl at 5:09 AM on June 8, 2019 [30 favorites]

You can avoid much of what you’re worried about by having two or three close friends as monitors/guiders to keep people moving past you, and by planning a reception outside your home. The chief mourner also gets a lot of leeway—the secondary mourners (like more distant family members) usually shoulder the responsibility of keeping conversation moving and greeting more distant acquaintances. No one blinks an eye if the chief mourner is abrupt or seems not to be paying attention to conversation. Seek out a room or area in all of the mourning locations where you can go sit in peace and quiet if you need to get away from the crowd (for example, in funeral homes there are usually lots of little rooms with lozenges, tea, etc where you can steal away to and sit down).

Also, let’s say (knock on wood) the three funerals you’re thinking of will all occur at the end of a very long and happy life and a calm and peaceful death. A funeral like this will have a dramatically different feel than the two funerals you’ve already experienced (and I’m so sorry for your losses). People will be grieving either way but the pain won’t be so sharp and raw and there won’t be the general feeling in the air that something deeply unfair and cruel has happened.

General cultural setting is Eastern U.S., mostly Catholics of greater or lesser lapsedness.

One note based on this—when you’re the chief mourner you obviously have the most control over the planning as well as the largest share of the grief, but there will probably be a great number of other people who grieve the deaths of your loved ones. If those people grew up in Catholic culture they’ll be used to saying goodbye in a specific way that conflicts with your wishes for how to mourn. Lots of those people will be expecting an open casket wake or visitation. *That doesn’t mean you have any obligation at all to do one* (you’re the chief mourner), but your plans might cause some ruffled feathers, especially among other family or older people who grew up in stricter Catholic culture. And you might also have conversations at some point with your parents or your husband about how they would want to be mourned. So I’d advise you to try and stay a little flexible on this point and leave some room to wait and see what decisions you’ll make at the actual time, or if your loved ones express strong preferences for their own funerals before they leave you.
posted by sallybrown at 6:31 AM on June 8, 2019 [6 favorites]

One more tip and something you can actually plan now - in our family we like to set up photo boards/displays of pictures of our family member who died. Lots of pictures of that person in all the stages of her life, with different family members and friends. It’s most helpful at the visitation but you could do it for the reception as well. It gives people something to look and talk about (“oh look at that one of Uncle Bill with Johnny! Oh I remember that summer cottage! Remember the time we” etc etc).

This is a good excuse for you to collect and digitize family photos and keep them in a central place (which has lots of other benefits besides funeral planning.)
posted by sallybrown at 6:37 AM on June 8, 2019 [7 favorites]

When my mom died, my father, brothers and I had her service at the funeral home. She was cremated and we didn’t have her mortal remains anywhere in sight. We did put up some pictures in the front of the room. There was an extremely long receiving line so people just moved along without any small talk other than remembering her. We did that for two hours. Then we moved the whole thing to a private room in a restaurant where we stayed till everyone left but we could have left ourselves at any time. So it was pretty quick with no fuss.

My mother’s family was not overjoyed with this arrangement but it was just one more in a lifetime of disappointments as far as my parents were concerned.

In short, as others have said: have a single, short visitation period. Have whatever funeral services you want (we didn’t have any at all.). And then move everyone to a place that isn’t your house. Assign a couple of your friends to let everyone know where that place is. And then try not to be concerned with how other people feel about your decisions.
posted by lyssabee at 8:56 AM on June 8, 2019 [3 favorites]

Also, is it possible to ask your parents and your husband what they would want? My father’s parents planned their own funerals (and paid for them! Funerals are not cheap.). My dad was so impressed I believe he did the same.

I know funerals are for the living but it’s nice if they can reflect the dead.
posted by lyssabee at 9:02 AM on June 8, 2019 [2 favorites]

Sometimes at funerals I have been to, the close mourners are in a small room (usually with the body) and people come in for just a couple of minutes, exchange the minimal mourning - related small talk you mentioned being okay with and then move to a larger room where they can make more general small talk with everyone else who came, which you wouldn't need to participate in, or even hear, as you would be in the small receiving room.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:13 AM on June 8, 2019 [1 favorite]

You said you don't like visitations because it's just people milling around.

I've been to a couple of different kinds of visitations.

My material grandparents both had funerals at a small town funeral home. Their visitations were structured in that there was a definite receiving line where when people arrived, they went along the line to greet the chief mourners, viewed the body if they wished, and then were left to their own devices to sit and congregate among themselves if they wished. The mourners in the line could come and go if they wanted to meet with anyone in particular who came by. It was nice that people could come and not have to track anyone down if they wanted to offer their sympathies and then they could just go and the mourners themselves had their place. No muss, no fuss.

My paternal grandparents had funerals at a funeral home in a small city. The body was up front in a room with rows of chairs. The family haphazardly situated itself in the first few rows. There was no organized flow as people were coming and going by the same main entrance to the room.

My brother and I agreed the receiving line way of doing things was far more efficient. Just something to consider in case you want something that doesn't put stress on yourself but is in the usual tradition of funerals.
posted by Fukiyama at 9:25 AM on June 8, 2019 [1 favorite]

My neighbor died accidentally last month, and the widow, after a little contemplation, called the whole thing off. Sure, it's for the living, but at the expense and suffering of the one that he was closest to. Those that were closest to him and her are in frequent contact, helping and supporting her.

Maybe she'll feel differently about it in the fall.
posted by the Real Dan at 10:44 AM on June 8, 2019 [2 favorites]

If you don't have a friend or family member who is able to be the "bodyguard/interference runner" for you as mentioned above, this is absolutely something a really good funeral director can do for you.

And in my own personal experience, a graveside service lends itself better to less small talk than an indoor service.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 2:42 PM on June 8, 2019 [3 favorites]

Best answer: A few ideas not yet mentioned that may or may not be right for you or future readers...

If you have the funeral a few weeks or months after the death, it won't be quite so raw for you and everyone else. That cuts down on awkward small talk as well as performative grief and the expectations of the people who weirdly want you to comfort them. Moreover, you'll get better attendance, since people can plan, and there won't be any expectation that the body will be present.

Host the service in some form of venue where it's obvious that the thing to do is to sit down rather than button hole you. It can be unconventional; my father's service was held in a science lecture hall.

Then include speakers from various aspects of the deceased's life, e.g., one from work, one from childhood, immediate family, etc. and tell them how many minutes you want them to speak Selecting people from the various walks of lfe creates a not-you focus for people who also know your family member from that aspect of their lives... and someone they will automatically seek out to complement on their remarks, keeping them away from you. Holding the memorial service later means they have time to really think about what they want to say and increases the odds of them telling good stories instead of filling the time with platitudes. Ideally, the memorial service should enable people to get to know the deceased better or at least from different perspectives.

Make a program so people have something to read (cuts down on them talking to you) and a common frame of reference (cuts down on intrusive or awkward questions).

Appoint someone to serve as the MC. S/he can set the stage for each speaker and fill time while they are coming up from/returning to their seats.

Family photos are great, but I suggest using the additional time to scan them so they can be projected in a slide show. That's because people will wait through the entire show to see them all and will sometimes see it twice to catch an image they especially liked a second time or point it out to someone else. Actual photos are too small and the aforementioned interactions with them happen much more quickly. The additional time spent interacting with the slide show is all time they won't be spending making small talk with you. It was also good to include photos of my mother with the people who would be there and I wound up sending copies of various images to people, which they appreciated.

If you can swing it, host a reception that you can quietly depart whenever you feel like it. That said, my mother's memorial service and reception segued into a large gathering at her house. It was fine: everyone was also saying their goodbyes to her house (the site of many parties), which created a lot of conversation gambits which allowed people to "talk amongst themselves." In some cases, I was later able to give the attendees something that belonged to my mother that they seemed to connect with, which was nice. Moreover, i was able to busy myself with buffet maintenance and cleaning whenever I needed a break from the conversations. We had previously arranged for a local Indian restaurant to deliver the food, so it was easy.

Include music that isn't lugubrious--maybe favorites of the deceased's-- periodically throughout the memorial, including some tunes people can sing together, particularly at the end so there's a definitive conclusion to it all. My parents' circle of friends ended all their funerals with Auld Lang Syne, but we closed my grandfather's service with "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" and a friend's with "Joy to the World" (as in "Jeremiah was a Bullfrog," not the Christmas carol.

Lastly, tape the whole thing if you think you might want to hear what people say again or that you'll likely miss parts of it due to emotion.

It doesn't have to be awful.

posted by carmicha at 2:49 PM on June 8, 2019 [4 favorites]

While not quite the same, for my mother, my brothers and I did not want to do the whole line thing and mingle. We wanted to have a quick service, and a VERY limited number of close friends (not relatives) come by my brother's house.

It worked because we gave the mourners something to do and a reason to be quiet. I created a video photo montage with music and some people reminiscing about my mother way back when. We turned down the lights and put on the 25 minute video with the sound a touch too loud so as to make it difficult to talk to anyone but the person next to you.

The rabbi said a few things, my brother said a few things and then we played the video. Since the immediate family knew when the video was going to end and because I had added a long still photo of my mother with her favorite song (4:33 minutes) playing, the family walked out to the waiting limo first. We went to the cemetary and then back to my brother's house. We did not announce a time for shiva or visitation or anything. We just spread the word that the family would be mourning in private.

Spread the word that there will be minimal time to meet the family, suggest that everyone send a note with a favorite story in it, at the service, distract the mourners and make it very invconvenient to talk and mingle (music and darkness), and tell them that you will be mourning in private immediately following the funeral, but if they want to gather, they can go to xyz venue where there will be some very light food. (Or no venue.)

I think too that a lot of this depends on how old everyone is when they die. My stepfather passed away at the age of 94 after being too sick with dementia to even talk to anyone but a few of us for a good 4 years before he died. Besides his children and grandchildren, there really were very few people who were alive that knew him, were in good enough shape to travel and were willing to travel when we spread the word that is would be a very brief service and nothing planned after the burial.
posted by AugustWest at 11:20 PM on June 8, 2019 [1 favorite]

Presumably, people attend a funeral to show respect for the deceased and to comfort the grieving, though I'm sure there are other unofficial reasons. If they handle the "comfort" part in an awkward way, it is probably because they are uncomfortable with the situation. I know I am uncomfortable in such situations, because all of the standard expresions of concern and sympathy are clearly that and seem hollow and insufficient, but I'm there to be supportive... So: "small talk" gonna happen, with the best of intentions.

The puzzling part (to me) is why--if you aren't comforted by the attention of friends and colleagues at that time--would you even have a funeral? Structuring things so that people can't talk to you is certainly do-able, but it seems passive-aggressive, since that's the major point of a funeral. Just don't have anything, and do your grieving in private. Some people will think it is strange. Screw them.

You can probably see why I won't have a lot of people show up for my funeral. Actually, my wife has been directed to have people over to drink and reminisce in lieu of any formalities, but of course it will be her call at that point. She may just spend the day at the spa. More power to her.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 7:34 AM on June 9, 2019

As you say, the future funerals will hopefully be in a distant future. What you have gone through was obviously traumatic, and something you never want to go through again. But death is many things.

I've been through far too many deaths and funerals and grievings and I've learnt that while every one is different, and one can never completely control them, you do get some experience and learn to deal with the situation. In honesty, even though I'm an atheist, when I am the primary mourner, I've learnt to rely on the ways of the different spiritual communities of my heritage, and to accept that they help me handle grief, both practically and spiritually. My dad and grandmother were both fanatical atheists, but accepted Christian burials in spite of that, for our sake. (I know, they were dead and couldn't argue, but I'd always go with someones last wishes, for many reasons).

What you have been through are extreme situations, which are almost impossible to deal with, regardless of your faith or your profound individuality. I don't think you can plan ahead to control future grief, because the situations may be very different. It's hard to explain, but when someone you love dearly dies from old age, if you have been there for them all the while, you may be more accepting of their passing. In some cases they may themselves have accepted the situation. And then the whole funeral may have a different significance.

Recently, I talked with a young person who is dying and knows it, and her wishes for her funeral are very different from what happened when a dear friend of mine died suddenly of a heart attack at 37. But who can judge and who can know. You have to go with how it feels when it happens, and what you can negotiate with the other mourners, who have their own valid points of view.

My amazing, caring and almost angelic stepmother did not want to leave, and as I remember it, we cried and cried for weeks on end, with her, and then without her. But because she was such a special person, hundreds came to join us in our grief, and it was somehow helpful. Everyone cried, no-one was superficial.

A relative of mine died and it was hard for his immediate family, he had been a hard man. Everyone was speculating about the will. A fight broke out at the wake. But in a strange way, the whole situation helped forge bonds that supported the family in different ways. Nothing was resolved, but each individual found comfort.

When my granddad died, my grief was so overwhelming that I, as you describe it, could not handle the small talk. I made coffee, and hid in the kitchen as I did it. I get what you are saying. There was no way I could connect with anyone at that time, not even my closest relatives. But in retrospect, I understand that for each of us in the family and among his friends, our grief was real and important, and some were able to meet and share that -- with small talk -- and some of us weren't. There is no true way here. I still don't attend all the funerals I should, because I'm still not good at it. But I've accepted that everyone grieves in different ways, and we don't own the deceased any more than any other person they knew. Your daughter is a huge exception from that rule, I know.
posted by mumimor at 2:19 PM on June 9, 2019 [2 favorites]

A bit of more practical notes:
When I was 13, my great aunt died, and my paternal grandmother and I were alone in handling it. Something we were both totally incompetent at, each for our own reasons (mine being that I was 13). We were alone because the others were abroad and just came home for the funeral. My saintly stepmother was shocked at the whole situation, and when my grandmother died she took control of every aspect from palliation to the informal dinner after the wake, and I learnt a lot from her. I hope I have been able to give my own daughters some of that knowledge. The essence being: for birth and for death and any other important stages of being, we must be part of a community, even if we think we can't handle it.
posted by mumimor at 2:37 PM on June 9, 2019 [1 favorite]

I think the easiest thing to do would be to have a more formal ceremony, followed by a receiving line, and then suggest people go to *location*, and then make sure that some of the close but not chief mourners go to there. You could then step in briefly if you wanted, or decide it was too much and go home. Someone to run interference for you would probably help.

The way funerals are done where I live, that would mean having the service at the crematorium (or ending there if you need something like a Catholic mass). The receiving line would be as you exit the crematorium. If you had more of a memorial service, then you want the socialising afterwards to be in a separate location.
posted by plonkee at 12:48 AM on June 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

My father died recently and we did almost exactly what Carmicha suggests above! Many people said it was one of the best memorials they'd been to in a long time. So just as an example, here's what we did, though yours will of course be different in various ways.

--We planned the "celebration of life" for about 4 months after he died--we were just not ready to deal with it right away, especially since it was going to be kind of a big event.
--We knew there would be a lot of people there (and there were way more than we thought, almost 500!) so having a sort of "open mic" time for reminiscences wasn't going to work.
--Instead we asked about five different people who knew him in different ways to offer a little remembrance speech. We told them to keep to 3 minutes but assumed they'd probably go over a bit. This worked beautifully.
--We started the "service" (which was largely non-religious so we never quite knew what to call it) cold, with a family friend giving a reading from John Muir. I was very firm that we shouldn't start with logistics or vague welcoming words, we should set the mood right away.
--After that, my brother gave an introduction that talked a little about how we decided to structure the ceremony.
--In between the speakers we had several sing-alongs, partly because my dad LOVED sing-alongs and partly to help everyone feel like they were participating.
--Second to last, I spoke about "next steps", starting with logistics about dinner and where to go afterwards, and transitioning into thoughts about how to carry on my dad's legacy.
-Last last, a friend who is a religious leader gave a nice wrap-up that included references to all the previous speakers (he did this off the cuff and everyone was amazed) and then led everyone in "passing the peace" (i.e. greeting the people near you with love and good wishes). Again, not ending with logistics!
--As for the small talk, the family waited to arrive until right before the service was going to start, so we had a good excuse to escape.
--After the service, we had a slide show of pictures going on in one room, and a buffet dinner in another area. People could sort of drift back and forth between the two as they liked.
--Later, we planned a hike and another sing-along and dancing--I know this isn't what everyone would do but having an activity for people to do together really helped avoid that feeling of "lowthering around" that you mention. It could be anything.
posted by exceptinsects at 11:01 AM on June 11, 2019 [1 favorite]