Outsourcing children
February 26, 2019 11:14 AM Subscribe
If a female-bodied person has a male partner, and he wants children and she doesn't, how feasible is it for him to be the primary parent? Also, how much could he outsource if he had unlimited funds?
Assume a scenario:
- Female-bodied person wants to take a 1950s Dad type role. Be the breadwinner, visit the kids to kiss them goodnight, etc., but not be very involved in their daily lives. Assume also that she also doesn't want to hurt the kids or make them feel abandoned or upset or leave them with lifelong emotional issues.
- Assume that the male partner is happy to take on the primary parent role and be "Mom", but that they've never seen this kind of scenario in real life and need some guidance as to how real people have accomplished it.
- Assume that this would be a permanent situation, and not a matter of trading off responsibilities for the child, or him being a stay-at-home-Dad for a finite period of time or "babysitting" (gag) regularly.
- Assume (for the sake of argument) that they have infinite resources and supportive family, and want to outsource as many tasks as possible (surrogacy, nanny, housekeeper, etc.). Assume that the initial bonding would happen between the father and child, not mother and child.
Do you have any examples of people you know making these kinds of choices? Or in media somewhere? Blogs? Memoirs?
What kinds of resources are available to make this happen? Is there a name for this style of parenting, and does it ever work out? Did your parents operate this way? Was it ok for you?
Assume a scenario:
- Female-bodied person wants to take a 1950s Dad type role. Be the breadwinner, visit the kids to kiss them goodnight, etc., but not be very involved in their daily lives. Assume also that she also doesn't want to hurt the kids or make them feel abandoned or upset or leave them with lifelong emotional issues.
- Assume that the male partner is happy to take on the primary parent role and be "Mom", but that they've never seen this kind of scenario in real life and need some guidance as to how real people have accomplished it.
- Assume that this would be a permanent situation, and not a matter of trading off responsibilities for the child, or him being a stay-at-home-Dad for a finite period of time or "babysitting" (gag) regularly.
- Assume (for the sake of argument) that they have infinite resources and supportive family, and want to outsource as many tasks as possible (surrogacy, nanny, housekeeper, etc.). Assume that the initial bonding would happen between the father and child, not mother and child.
Do you have any examples of people you know making these kinds of choices? Or in media somewhere? Blogs? Memoirs?
What kinds of resources are available to make this happen? Is there a name for this style of parenting, and does it ever work out? Did your parents operate this way? Was it ok for you?
This post was deleted for the following reason: Heya- contact us about framing, thanks. -- LobsterMitten
« Older Divorce / More Therapy / Expecting to much? | Understanding Chicago Parking Fine Debt Options? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Mostly yes. And no. Not in that they had the gender role reversal but that they had the type of relationship where there was a 1950s dad and it was clear that my parents were married to each other but my dad basically did not want to be a dad. He wanted to earn money and live in a house with a family but not be connected. I do not recommended it because while you can make the argument that "people didn't know better" in the 50s, it's a lot harder to make that argument now.
That said, rich people do this all the time. Hire surrogates, have nannies, send kids to private boarding school, have other household help. And at that level it doesn't really matter what the genders of the people involved are (because, honestly, same sex couples have been doing this forever in terms of "non-traditional" gender roles and it's been fine). Because really there's no such thing as a "stay at home parent" if there are infinite resources. You can have a situation where basically no one bonds with the kid. But at the same time, you have very very little useful excuse for why you want to have kids and not be involved with them if you have infinite resources other than "The other parent wants them." and that, back to my original sentence, is a non-recommended pathway.
Kids can tell when parents don't want to be involved with them. And no matter what your gender or resource level, if you're talking a nuclear two-parents-no-other-parents situation, you're setting up a situation where the parent who is bonded with the kids has to make difficult choices between their relationship to the other parent and their relationship to the kids. That is not what I would call a family in 2019.
posted by jessamyn at 11:33 AM on February 26, 2019