Was my husband wrong to ignore calls from me and my mum?
February 24, 2019 3:14 PM   Subscribe

Was my husband wrong to ignore calls from me and my mum?

My husband has recently been helping my parents out with renovating an investment property my parents own.

He helped do all the electrical wiring on the house. My husband is not a qualified electrician but has an engineering degree so can work out how electrical wiring is performed. He helped for approximately each weekend for 4 months. After the renovations were finished, there were some bits and pieces that came up that required some further help which my parents called him for time to time. This was an hour to two hours here and there, but not every weekend.

My parents are chinese immigrants to this country and their english is not the best in terms of reading and so relied on him to help them as to what best product to buy etc. In addition my dad has only the sight of one eye and needs help too. They do not have a son and have taken my husband in as a son in law. I am an only child and in the future if I die or my parents pass away, the investment property will be his.

My parents gave my husband and I $1200 us dollars for his birthday (for our europe trip). This was after my husband had finished the renovations. Even though it was not a payment for the renovations, it is implied that are happy for his help.

On this weekend, my mum called my husband to help with check a sensor light that is not working properly (keeps turning on , on its own). He had previously checked it for her and had an understanding with her that on the weekend, he would make the configure the sensor light into a manual one where the tenants have to switch it on and off manually. My mum did not have such an understanding and when he did that, she asked for it not to be done and turned back into sensor light. Because of either this misunderstanding or miscommunication he got insulted and upset.
My mum mentioned she will buy a new sensor light and ask him to install it again later that day. Due to being upset by this misunderstanding, he did not say much and said he needed to leave to go shopping and quickly excused himself.

My mum phoned him later that day and he did not pick up the phone (he usually always does). She called him a few times and no response. Then I called him and there was no response. I then texted him saying if he could come to help install the new sensor light and he sent a text back saying 'he does not know how to and for my parents to call an electrician'. My mum got worried that he did not answer the phone and thought he had been in accident or something.

After work, I went home to check if he was okay and he was at home cooking butter chicken. I asked him why he does not answer any calls from us. He says the following:

*He called my mum manipulative and cunning. Saying that she set him up to do something and then said it was wrong. I do not feel like my mum is manipulative or cunning. I feel like if my mum is truly cunning, she would have taught me from a young age to marry a wealthier guy or a guy with good conditions. Plus my mum even tried to give us money to help pay off our mortgage (I refused it), if my mum is cunning she wouldnt be doing that.
*He said he ignored calls cause my mum was pushy and he doesnt want to directly confront her and thus just wanted to evade her through this non direct method.
*He recently saw an article about a guy who worked on a roof doing electrical work who died and it was actually his work colleague's son. After hearing this he does not want to do any electrical work anymore.
*He doesnt want to be responsible for any problems to the tenants safety as he is not qualified electrician.
*He feels like my parents constantly ask him to do stuff and he feels why he should help them indefinitely. E.g. be eternally indebted to them.
He then goes on to make mention of comments such as he does not see the point of why my parents like to go to restaurant to celebrate something. My parents have often invited him and me to a restaurant and they paid for it (sometimes few hundred). My husband says he has no pleasure derived in going to restaurants and they should use that money to go and pay an electrician instead.
* He also says that I listen to my mum a lot. I say as i am only child I am definitely close with my parents, but i dont listen to everything my mum says, for example she tried to give us money to pay off our mortgage and i refused.

He also says my parents English are not good and he cannot say anything deep to them. However he himself is not a native english speaker and he is a quiet introverted guy who does not often reveal anything about himself. When he meets with my parents, my parents even though their english is not the best are always the ones trying to make conversation.
My husband is a ukrainian immigrant who came to the country 7 years ago. He had very little money (less than 10k in savings) and I chose him because I thought he was a good guy. I could have chosen a guy with much better conditions, and my life would be much better.
My husband is also a nit picker and can be petty about small things. E.g. the way toilet roll is turned, and other things which do not matter in a bigger picture sense.

During our argument, my mum came to our house because there was no one answering the phone at all, and she got worried that someone robbed us. She then talked with my husband and he agreed to help her (although reluctantly). She spoke with him to apologize to me as all of this was not my fault. She also apologised if there was any misunderstanding. She told him what he did is not right (i.e. ignoring calls). If he has an issue he needs to speak about it. He came home and then made dinner for me as a truce (but did not formally apologise). He did acknolwedge that he is a jerk at times and sometimes treat people like a jerk.

Is my husband action to ignore our phone calls wrong?
posted by direct1 to Human Relations (23 answers total)

This post was deleted for the following reason: Hey, there's sort of a pattern at this point of you asking questions about someone in your family and then responding a lot to askers disagreeing with your take on the situation. That's not how Ask is meant to work and we need you to stop using it this way. -- cortex

 
Response by poster: In addition to the above, I feel like my husband tends to burn bridges with people e.g. he does not talk to his own dad. His mum talks, his sisters talk to the dad. However he refuse to because he said his dad did something wrong. However to this day I dont know exactly what his dad did (except that potentially his dad drinks a bit, but he says his dad has never hit him or anything).
posted by direct1 at 3:20 PM on February 24, 2019


Your are all wrong to guilt-trip your husband into working on your parents' house for months and insisting her follow up with electrical work he has clearly stated he doesn't want to do. Jesus, your husband has clearly stated that he doesn't feel safe. The person who needs to apologise here is your parents.

The €1200 is irrelevant as it was not work for hire, a gift is only a gift if it comes without strings, and the payment in no way compensates your husband for his time or the legal jeopardy he has now placed himself in at their insistence.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:24 PM on February 24, 2019 [11 favorites]


He is finding it hard to say no to your parents. He believes your parents are relying on him too much.
You seem to believe that your parents have a claim to his time because they give money, take you out to eat etc...
I suggest you go to marriage counselor together, and try to talk about the differences between your cultures and your expectations of family.
Forget about the not answering the phone, that is not the issue here. The bigger issue is that you use money as a club against him. Over and over you talk about how you could of married someone richer. You might want to think about your values and whether you have too much disdain to be married to him.
posted by SyraCarol at 3:29 PM on February 24, 2019 [10 favorites]


It's really, really time for you and your husband to look into therapy. Internet strangers cannot keep helping you and him navigate your relationship with each other and your families. I think you'd both get a lot out of individual counseling and couple's counseling. You don't have a good communication dynamic at all, and you both need help figuring out how to improve it.

You also need to both be able to set boundaries with your families, and therapy can help with that.
posted by cooker girl at 3:29 PM on February 24, 2019 [13 favorites]


There's a lot to unravel here, but it does very much sound like your values and those of your husband are occasionally quite different. For one thing you're coming from a background that favors a strong sense of filial piety that will be very different from that of the average Ukrainian.

Based on your posting history I really think you should take SyraCarol's advice and talk to a counselor together.
posted by aspersioncast at 3:30 PM on February 24, 2019


Your parents need to hire a qualified electrician to do this work and apologize to your husband for coercing him into doing something he does not feel comfortable doing. You need to apologize to your husband for not backing him when he said he does not feel comfortable doing it.
posted by bowmaniac at 3:35 PM on February 24, 2019 [3 favorites]


To answer your direct question above the fold:

Was my husband wrong to ignore calls from me and my mum?

No he was not wrong. For the record I also think your mom's approach to this was manipulative; she called several times and then when he did not pick up she came over (!) because she thought "something might have happened" like "you got robbed." I mean... no. People are allowed to not pick up the phone sometimes. Even if they always did before, they are allowed to change that choice / behavior. Maybe your husband is taking the avoidance behavior too far, but frankly a lot of times it is wise to avoid confrontation when you are emotional in a way that would make it difficult to deal with the situation constructively. Your mom could instead have recognized the quite clear message that he was trying to send - that he did not want to talk to her right at that time. Instead she forced a confrontation.

In addition this statement makes no sense to me - "my mum even tried to give us money to help pay off our mortgage... if my mum is cunning she wouldnt be doing that." Trying to exercise financial control over your adult children is absolutely a method of manipulating them. Maybe you think this is no longer an issue since you refused the money, but it is still an indication about how your mother would like to influence your life and your relationship.
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 3:43 PM on February 24, 2019 [10 favorites]


Response by poster: If we have a child, my mum will be the main caretaker (given that I will have to go back to work as I cannot only rely on my husbands income). The property will help with her having to quit her job to take care of my children in the future.
I think people cannot see that I said I didnt care about money when i married my husband, thats why i didnt mind choosing someone not having good financial conditions because i felt like if he is a good person and we can make it together. Yet people somehow see only me mention of money. Money does help take care of things particularly when children come along in future and my husband knows that. He came from family without much and knows how that can cause issues to a child and to family life in general.
posted by direct1 at 3:44 PM on February 24, 2019


> My husband is not a qualified electrician but has an engineering degree so can work out how electrical wiring is performed

Nope nope nope nope hell nope. If a qualified, locally licensed electrician didn't sign off that the electrical work was up to code, the investment property is likely uninsurable and the tenants are at risk. He didn't want to do the work, was pressured into doing so, and doesn't feel safe finishing it.
posted by scruss at 3:46 PM on February 24, 2019 [13 favorites]


I could have chosen a guy with much better conditions, and my life would be much better.

You say you don't care about money but your life would be much better if you'd married a rich guy. You need to either stop kidding yourself about how important money is, or learn to understand why the language you use (all through this question) is displaying a very high level of caring about money.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 3:50 PM on February 24, 2019 [11 favorites]


This has been a huge project. Like I don't think you appreciate the amount of time he's given up specifically for your parents. That's a huge commitment that honestly I'd never do for my in laws even if I was totally competent. It's a job.

And jobs are hard.

There are some value differences here, and also some communication style and cultural differences. But it is 100 percent OK to not answer his phone when he is mad and okay for him to stop a project he's been working on for almost half a year.
posted by AlexiaSky at 3:53 PM on February 24, 2019 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: I didnt think it was important but over time I have started to realise that it is important particularly to women (maybe by nature due to the ones burdened with the physical thing of having a child). Thus hypergamy usually happens with females rather than males.
posted by direct1 at 3:55 PM on February 24, 2019


Response by poster: Also, please don't think my husband only worked on it. He helped however mostly my dad did approximately 80% of the work, even though he had one eye. He spent every day working on it even though he works a night shift job. So the level of commitment my dad put in is much more tremendous. My dad is 60 and not young guy.
posted by direct1 at 3:57 PM on February 24, 2019


Next time something like this comes up, your husband and your parents should have a contract or even better, not have your husband involved at all. Every weekend for 4 months is worth far more than a thousand dollars. Who cares what will happen to this property when your parents die?

I knew who this was before the end of your first paragraph. You all need more help than the internet can provide.
posted by k8t at 3:59 PM on February 24, 2019 [1 favorite]


So the level of commitment my dad put in is much more tremendous.

It's. His. Property.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 4:01 PM on February 24, 2019 [6 favorites]


Here's the deal it's not his house or property . It's your dad's. He's got another job and because he likes you thought it would be a nice thing to do. He didn't do what he wanted he choose to help out your family instead.

Your dad bought the property and gets something out of it. Your husband doesn't get those benefits.
posted by AlexiaSky at 4:01 PM on February 24, 2019


Are you still living in Australia? Because it is illegal for a non-licensed electrician to do electrical work here. We're basically allowed to change light-bulbs and not much more.
posted by kitten magic at 4:02 PM on February 24, 2019 [1 favorite]


No he wasn't wrong. I'm sure your parents helped, I'm sure your parents have all the best intentions, but right now you are only seeing their POV & not the POV of the man you are married to. The person who has worked hard doing something he's not trained to do for people it is hard for him to communicate with, every weekend for months because he loves you & most likely cares for them. But right now he needs some space from them & you don't have his back, how do you think that makes him feel? Needing some space, doesn't mean he doesn't care for them, doesn't mean he doesn't want to help them it means he needs some space from their demands on his time & energy at this point in time. Relax. Let your husband relax, act as a buffer & intercept your parents calls & demands & give him time to do what he wants to do for himself & for his family (ie you and him). The property is your fathers he should be putting more work into it.
posted by wwax at 4:03 PM on February 24, 2019


Response by poster: My husband will benefit from this property ultimately, because it will be given to him or his children in future. He will also benefit from it indirectly, because my mum will be able to quit her job to look after our child while i continue to work and not rely only on my husband's income. How many families would sacrifice this? If my parents were selfish they could sell the house and just enjoy the income for rest of their lives going to travel destinations but they sacrificed this for us.
posted by direct1 at 4:05 PM on February 24, 2019


If it was written from his point of view the ask could go like this:

My spouse asked me to do some electrical work on her parents townhouse that's an investment property. I'm an electrician, but not licensed. But I'M experienced enough that I think I can do the work. So I say sure. I get there, and it's a total rehab, and I've already said yes. My wife family really really values assistance so I go with it. I work during the week and then for FOUR months every weekend over there doing this project. Even more frustrating, their English isn't that great so I feel like I can't get to know him week even though we are spending all this time together. FINALLY I think we are done.

But they keep asking me all these questions. The expect me to answer the phone and if I don't they come over. They complain when I misunderstand a request. Is it okay for me to stop? What should I do?
posted by AlexiaSky at 4:09 PM on February 24, 2019 [3 favorites]


Tell your husband you realized you need to marry someone who is or at least desperately wants to be rich, and divorce the poor bastard already. Make sure to take into account how much work he put into the property when dividing up your assets.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 4:09 PM on February 24, 2019 [3 favorites]


Everyone is freaking out because he went a few hours not answering his phone? This is why some people don't have cell phones... it's unreasonable for other people to expect us to be at their beck and call all the time.

You're resentful of his low income and you seem to believe that the possibility that your parents might help him out someday (with child care or an inheritance) means that he needs to do whatever they ask. Both of these things are unreasonable and you need to do a lot of work to figure out whether this relationship makes sense to you both.
posted by metasarah at 4:10 PM on February 24, 2019 [1 favorite]


This is a complicated tangle of cultural differences and poor communication, and the problem is not, at all, about answering the phone. You need couples therapy, and to definitely not even think about having children together until your marriage is on much more stable ground.

But to answer the specific question: no, he was not wrong to not answer the phone. A more direct way of telling you he didn’t want to help anymore would have been better, but waiting a few hours to cool down before having that conversation is not a big deal. Everyone here acted badly, but your husband the least so.
posted by Stacey at 4:13 PM on February 24, 2019 [1 favorite]


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