Is my relationship as toxic as I worry it is?
February 1, 2019 7:21 PM Subscribe
My long-term relationship almost completely lacks intimacy, and sometimes feels stifling. My attempts to fix it haven't gone well. I'm 40 and afraid of being alone. Help?
Despite being in a long-term relationship, I feel alone.
I grew up in England, and am very politically progressive. She makes fun of me for being weird almost on a daily basis, both for cultural differences and for being in favor of things like fully socialized healthcare. It's more than okay to have differences of opinion, but in our conversations I feel constantly torn down.
We have sex about once every two months. It makes me feel unwanted, which she doesn't think is fair. She says she doesn't want to have sex during the week, but typically she's not into it on the weekend, either. Usually she wants to go to bed by 9pm, and is wearing an eye mask etc and not wanting to be touched beyond a short hug before going to sleep. Over the last couple of years I started to internalize this, and had sort of given up on my appearance and health; I gained quite a bit of weight. Towards the end of last year I started doing my best to get back on track, and started going to therapy. More on this in a second.
She says I'm never at home. I'm with her seven nights a week, and usually six evenings (she complains if I hang out with other people). On the seventh I go and see my parents, an hour away, because one is terminally ill and I want to spend time with them. It's true that I sometimes go see them two nights a week, partially so I can cook for them, and partially so we can spend time together. My girlfriend is always invited, but rarely comes. One of the last times she did come, she made fun of their politics all the way back.
There was a high chance that I would also develop my parent's terminal illness, and I had serious anxiety about that, as you might imagine. That was a core reason for getting therapy. But thankfully, I don't have the gene, and I'm thinking much more about building the rest of my life, now that I know I'm going to have one.
It's been years. I'm 40 and heavier than I was, and the relationship before this one ended really badly. I'm scared that this is all I should expect, basically, and that I'm being self-centered in my anxiety over this. I'm scared that I'm being oblivious; I don't want to be the sort of person who steamrollers her emotions because I'm too inward-facing. She also doesn't have any friends of her own, and I would feel terrible about leaving her alone.
And of course this is all the bad stuff, and we do have fun - we go hiking and we watch things together. We'll go out to eat, or sometimes cook together. We share a lot of jokes. We don't really go out (I used to see a lot of live music / theater and go out with friends, and she's not really that comfortable with either), but the weekend time we have together is usually fun.
Am I making more of this than I should? How can I best find a way to be happy in this context? Or should I accept that this isn't working?
Despite being in a long-term relationship, I feel alone.
I grew up in England, and am very politically progressive. She makes fun of me for being weird almost on a daily basis, both for cultural differences and for being in favor of things like fully socialized healthcare. It's more than okay to have differences of opinion, but in our conversations I feel constantly torn down.
We have sex about once every two months. It makes me feel unwanted, which she doesn't think is fair. She says she doesn't want to have sex during the week, but typically she's not into it on the weekend, either. Usually she wants to go to bed by 9pm, and is wearing an eye mask etc and not wanting to be touched beyond a short hug before going to sleep. Over the last couple of years I started to internalize this, and had sort of given up on my appearance and health; I gained quite a bit of weight. Towards the end of last year I started doing my best to get back on track, and started going to therapy. More on this in a second.
She says I'm never at home. I'm with her seven nights a week, and usually six evenings (she complains if I hang out with other people). On the seventh I go and see my parents, an hour away, because one is terminally ill and I want to spend time with them. It's true that I sometimes go see them two nights a week, partially so I can cook for them, and partially so we can spend time together. My girlfriend is always invited, but rarely comes. One of the last times she did come, she made fun of their politics all the way back.
There was a high chance that I would also develop my parent's terminal illness, and I had serious anxiety about that, as you might imagine. That was a core reason for getting therapy. But thankfully, I don't have the gene, and I'm thinking much more about building the rest of my life, now that I know I'm going to have one.
It's been years. I'm 40 and heavier than I was, and the relationship before this one ended really badly. I'm scared that this is all I should expect, basically, and that I'm being self-centered in my anxiety over this. I'm scared that I'm being oblivious; I don't want to be the sort of person who steamrollers her emotions because I'm too inward-facing. She also doesn't have any friends of her own, and I would feel terrible about leaving her alone.
And of course this is all the bad stuff, and we do have fun - we go hiking and we watch things together. We'll go out to eat, or sometimes cook together. We share a lot of jokes. We don't really go out (I used to see a lot of live music / theater and go out with friends, and she's not really that comfortable with either), but the weekend time we have together is usually fun.
Am I making more of this than I should? How can I best find a way to be happy in this context? Or should I accept that this isn't working?
I'm forty and alone. It's tough. I've got no assurances. What I do have is my peace and dignity. No one makes fun of me for being weird but me. And no one makes fun of my parents (again, except for me).
I'm not here to tell you to DTMFA. That's an easy thing to tell a stranger. But I can tell you that you don't deserve to be made to feel second-rate.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:37 PM on February 1, 2019 [63 favorites]
I'm not here to tell you to DTMFA. That's an easy thing to tell a stranger. But I can tell you that you don't deserve to be made to feel second-rate.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:37 PM on February 1, 2019 [63 favorites]
Have you talked to her about this recently? I found therapy helpful for figuring out how to have some hard conversations in my last relationship. They didn't wind up causing us to stay together, but I'm glad I had them.
posted by momus_window at 7:38 PM on February 1, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by momus_window at 7:38 PM on February 1, 2019 [1 favorite]
Also, hey, your fears are super common and understandable. But you can't stay in a joyless relationship for fear of hurting your partner by leaving them—don't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, as they say. Her happiness is her own responsibility, not yours. And frankly it doesn't sound as though she actually likes you very much anyway.
I'm sorry you're feeling so down on yourself. When you're in a relationship with someone who dislikes you—especially if they have isolated you from other social connections, which let's be clear is a form of abuse—it's easy to mistake them disliking you for you being unlikable. But you know, I'm sure there are people out there who would like you. Your friends like you, your parents like you. There are women out there who would like you as a partner. Just not this particular woman.
I have an aunt who found the love of her life in her 50s, a few years after ending a long and joyless marriage. They have been together 20 years or so now and are doing great. 40 is not too late. It's never too late.
You need to learn to love yourself, my brother. You won't find love or happiness until you do. And you won't learn to love yourself until you separate your life from this person who seems to have nothing but contempt for you.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 7:40 PM on February 1, 2019 [28 favorites]
I'm sorry you're feeling so down on yourself. When you're in a relationship with someone who dislikes you—especially if they have isolated you from other social connections, which let's be clear is a form of abuse—it's easy to mistake them disliking you for you being unlikable. But you know, I'm sure there are people out there who would like you. Your friends like you, your parents like you. There are women out there who would like you as a partner. Just not this particular woman.
I have an aunt who found the love of her life in her 50s, a few years after ending a long and joyless marriage. They have been together 20 years or so now and are doing great. 40 is not too late. It's never too late.
You need to learn to love yourself, my brother. You won't find love or happiness until you do. And you won't learn to love yourself until you separate your life from this person who seems to have nothing but contempt for you.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 7:40 PM on February 1, 2019 [28 favorites]
She also doesn't have any friends of her own, and I would feel terrible about leaving her alone.
Just to address this, you will do a major disservice to both of you if you stay in an unsatisfying relationship because you feel guilty about leaving. She is an adult. Do not sacrifice your happiness for someone else's.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 8:07 PM on February 1, 2019 [18 favorites]
Just to address this, you will do a major disservice to both of you if you stay in an unsatisfying relationship because you feel guilty about leaving. She is an adult. Do not sacrifice your happiness for someone else's.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 8:07 PM on February 1, 2019 [18 favorites]
I think you’re looking for permission to leave, and you have it. The whole point of not being required to be married anymore is that you now have the freedom to bail out of this mismatch with relatively no consequences. You’re afraid of being alone but you’re basically alone now so you might as well be honest about it.
posted by bleep at 8:18 PM on February 1, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by bleep at 8:18 PM on February 1, 2019 [6 favorites]
I started to quote back at you the negative bits of your post, like, "in our conversations I feel constantly torn down." but I was basically just quoting your entire post.
And while you don't quite say this explicitly, the phrasing of "It's true that I sometimes go see them two nights a week" makes me wonder if your girlfriend objects to the time you spend visiting and caring for your terminally ill parents. Which is such a comical, mustache-twirling depth of villainy that it took me a couple of tries to figure out what was bothering me.
40s is not too old. My grandfather is far from the first man to begin a long-term relationship at the senior citizens' center.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 8:23 PM on February 1, 2019 [19 favorites]
And while you don't quite say this explicitly, the phrasing of "It's true that I sometimes go see them two nights a week" makes me wonder if your girlfriend objects to the time you spend visiting and caring for your terminally ill parents. Which is such a comical, mustache-twirling depth of villainy that it took me a couple of tries to figure out what was bothering me.
40s is not too old. My grandfather is far from the first man to begin a long-term relationship at the senior citizens' center.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 8:23 PM on February 1, 2019 [19 favorites]
> Is my relationship as toxic as I worry it is?
Sounds pretty toxic to me. I've been in a similar boat.
> How can I best find a way to be happy in this context? Or should I accept that this isn't working?
It isn't working, and you're unlikely to find a way to be happy in it or even to put up with it long term.
As Anticipation says "It's never too late." You and your partner are both adults; you're not responsible for her.
posted by anadem at 8:27 PM on February 1, 2019 [3 favorites]
Sounds pretty toxic to me. I've been in a similar boat.
> How can I best find a way to be happy in this context? Or should I accept that this isn't working?
It isn't working, and you're unlikely to find a way to be happy in it or even to put up with it long term.
As Anticipation says "It's never too late." You and your partner are both adults; you're not responsible for her.
posted by anadem at 8:27 PM on February 1, 2019 [3 favorites]
The other thing is that a relationship doesn't have to be universally awful to be worth ending (ask me how I know -- I mean, I'll tell you, I just ended a basically OK relationship after yeeears because of this). I'm inclined to read too much of myself into what you describe, so I'm not going to give any real advice. But, like, on some level you can probably feel the difference between a valid reason for staying in the relationship, and bargaining with yourself because it's scary to go through a huge life change. I can't tell you where to draw that line, because I don't know you or her. I can say that I just got out of a long-term relationship years after I should have, because for years I kept telling myself I was making too big a deal out of things.
Don't bargain with yourself over your own happiness.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 8:34 PM on February 1, 2019 [9 favorites]
Don't bargain with yourself over your own happiness.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 8:34 PM on February 1, 2019 [9 favorites]
I'm glad you see the impact on your overall health and that you want to get busy living. I encourage you to trust your instincts and accept that this isn't working, no matter how much you want it to. It sounds like you've sacrificed so much trying to make her happy, including your health, time with your family, your social life, and your self-esteem, and that seems like the definition of a toxic relationship.
posted by Little Dawn at 8:41 PM on February 1, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by Little Dawn at 8:41 PM on February 1, 2019 [1 favorite]
There are a lot of things in your relationship that are making you unhappy and I don't think they are unreasonable things to ask for: being respected, a social life outside the relationship, family time, some snuggling... She may or may not be willing or able to give them to you but it doesn't sound like you both are doing a great job of talking about them--or showing each other you care about each other enough to listen.
I found the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay to be helpful when I was going through some relationship anxiety a while back. It does a good job of thinking through convincing reasons on each side and also provides a helpful vocabulary for talking about relationship dynamics.
posted by ropeladder at 8:45 PM on February 1, 2019 [1 favorite]
I found the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay to be helpful when I was going through some relationship anxiety a while back. It does a good job of thinking through convincing reasons on each side and also provides a helpful vocabulary for talking about relationship dynamics.
posted by ropeladder at 8:45 PM on February 1, 2019 [1 favorite]
Some people have found this book, Too Good to Stay, Too Bad to Leave, to be helpful for thinking about the overall balance of a relationship and to give people permission to move on from something that doesn't work, even if it is not the worse possible thing.
posted by metahawk at 9:34 PM on February 1, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 9:34 PM on February 1, 2019 [2 favorites]
40 is not old, at all. In 20 years I guarantee you will look back and think, oh my god, I was so young then! And, you will have 20 more years of misery under your belt. Something has to change.
posted by BoscosMom at 9:57 PM on February 1, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by BoscosMom at 9:57 PM on February 1, 2019 [8 favorites]
Someone who resents your going to see your terminally ill parent two nights a week--especially when it doesn't conflict with compelling obligations like childcare--is someone who isn't a good long-term partner, because she won't want to take care of you if/when the time comes.
This alone is a reason to move on. A person doesn't have to be terrible for the relationship to not be working. It could just not be a good fit anymore.
posted by Toddles at 10:10 PM on February 1, 2019 [2 favorites]
This alone is a reason to move on. A person doesn't have to be terrible for the relationship to not be working. It could just not be a good fit anymore.
posted by Toddles at 10:10 PM on February 1, 2019 [2 favorites]
If your girlfriend completely forgot about you and was happy with another person, would you feel relief or sadness? If you feel relief at the thought of your girlfriend being out of your life with no consequences, it's time to move on.
posted by benzenedream at 11:31 PM on February 1, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by benzenedream at 11:31 PM on February 1, 2019 [6 favorites]
She makes fun of me for being weird almost on a daily basis, both for cultural differences and for being in favor of things like fully socialized healthcare. It's more than okay to have differences of opinion, but in our conversations I feel constantly torn down.This is not okay (and I'm not just saying that because I consider support for fully socialized healthcare to be the only morally acceptable stance). My boyfriend and I tease each other constantly for being weird in various ways, but there's zero doubt that it's coming from a place of absolute love.
We have sex about once every two months. It makes me feel unwanted, which she doesn't think is fair. She says she doesn't want to have sex during the week, but typically she's not into it on the weekend, either. Usually she wants to go to bed by 9pm, and is wearing an eye mask etc and not wanting to be touched beyond a short hug before going to sleep. Over the last couple of years I started to internalize this, and had sort of given up on my appearance and health; I gained quite a bit of weight. Towards the end of last year I started doing my best to get back on track, and started going to therapy.Listen, if this was the only problem in your relationship we could maybe start a discussion of ways to cope with mis-matched sex drives, we could consider the possibility that stress or another health issue is impacting things for her and what could be done to alleviate that, etc etc. I mean, I've been in a relationship where for Reasons my sex drive tanked. It was terrible for my partner because he took it very personally and he felt unloved and his self-esteem tanked. And it was terrible for me because having sex when you're not into it is toxic, and feeling pressure (whether internal or external) to have sex when you Don't Want To is rotten, and I felt like all the ways I showed love and affection to my partner that weren't sex were being devalued, and on top of it all I was dealing with the health problems that were causing the issue in the first place.
But this is not the only problem your relationship has, so I'm going to leave it alone and just say that I'm really proud of you for going to see a therapist and for taking steps to start caring for your health and physical appearance again regardless of what's going on with your partner.
She says I'm never at home. I'm with her seven nights a week, and usually six evenings (she complains if I hang out with other people).Your partner complaining if you ever hang out with other people is not okay. That smacks of deliberately trying to socially isolate you. Especially in consideration of this:
On the seventh [evening] I go and see my parents, an hour away, because one is terminally ill and I want to spend time with them. It's true that I sometimes go see them two nights a week, partially so I can cook for them, and partially so we can spend time together. My girlfriend is always invited, but rarely comes. One of the last times she did come, she made fun of their politics all the way back.Resenting the time you spend caring for a terminally parent is not a good sign. The only halfway reasonable objection I could see is if these visits were often taking up a significant portion of your weekends, when your girlfriend claims she wants to spend time with you. Also, it is 100% okay to tell your girlfriend that you're not willing to listen to her mock your parents' politics.
I'm scared that I'm being oblivious; I don't want to be the sort of person who steamrollers her emotions because I'm too inward-facing.What makes you think you're being oblivious or are steamrollering her feelings? She doesn't want to have sex on week nights, and you seem to be implying you've accepted that preference. She doesn't want you to spend time socially with other people, and you seem to have gone along with that too, with the exception of making time for your terminally ill parent. She says you're never at home, but you've told us that's factually untrue.
She also doesn't have any friends of her own, and I would feel terrible about leaving her alone.That is not a good or healthy reason to stay in a relationship.
we do have fun - we go hiking and we watch things together. We'll go out to eat, or sometimes cook together. We share a lot of jokes. We don't really go out (I used to see a lot of live music / theater and go out with friends, and she's not really that comfortable with either), but the weekend time we have together is usually fun.This is the sort of fun you can also have with friends and activity partners, when you let yourself have those again.
My long-term relationship almost completely lacks intimacy, and sometimes feels stifling. My attempts to fix it haven't gone well. I'm 40 and afraid of being alone.It is not unreasonable to expect your partner not to make fun of you, your family and your values.
...
It's been years. I'm 40 and heavier than I was, and the relationship before this one ended really badly.
...
I'm scared that this is all I should expect, basically, and that I'm being self-centered in my anxiety over this.
It is not unreasonable to want sexual intimacy in a relationship.
It is not unreasonable to have friends and engage in social activities even if your partner chooses not to.
It is not unreasonable to spend time with your parents, especially when one of them is terminally ill.
Being forty, having previous failed relationships, and being fatter/unhealthier than you want to be does not disqualify you from being able to meet someone who is nicer to you, is less controlling, and who likes you more than your current partner appears to.
Citation: I started dating my current partner when I was 39, after a previous relationship imploded disastrously, while I was in the middle of a health crisis and he'd seen me at my absolute fattest. My parter thinks I'm great and I think he's great too. And, even when our sex drives aren't matching up we still manage to make each other feel loved.
I can't promise you that you definitely will find a new and better romantic parter, but the odds seem pretty good. At the very least you can choose to be out there in the world spending time with friends and family guilt free, going to live music shows and the theatre, and not spending time with a person who mocks you and makes you feel bad about yourself.
posted by Secret Sparrow at 11:32 PM on February 1, 2019 [17 favorites]
I was in an unfortunately dead end relationship that I should have left years before I did. Everything about my life is better having left it, though doing so still made me miserable for a good few months at the time. I promise you that if you want and need to, you can make your life better, and it sounds like you're nearing the process of doing so.
Relationships, like sex, and pizza, are the same in this way, contrary to the popular joke: Not having any pizza is better than bad pizza.
posted by panhopticon at 12:05 AM on February 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
Relationships, like sex, and pizza, are the same in this way, contrary to the popular joke: Not having any pizza is better than bad pizza.
posted by panhopticon at 12:05 AM on February 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
Hey, that was me. It wasn't quite bad enough to leave (even with no sex for 10 years), but it actually was and I was asking Metafilter for solutions to a broken marriage for 5 years before I left. Leaving was scary and lonely, and then sometimes exciting, and lonely, and great and then crap, and after 7 years, I met someone who committed to me. Tell you what, I sometimes miss the freedom of those 7 years, but I never once missed the 'marriage' I left behind amicably.
As far as I can tell, we get one life, and we're not getting any younger. I hope I never ever again postpone what I know I need to do because of a comfort zone.
posted by b33j at 3:09 AM on February 2, 2019 [7 favorites]
As far as I can tell, we get one life, and we're not getting any younger. I hope I never ever again postpone what I know I need to do because of a comfort zone.
posted by b33j at 3:09 AM on February 2, 2019 [7 favorites]
I came in to recommend “Too good to leave...” so thirding that. What it does is take you beyond the “on one hand X but on the other hand Y” way of weighing up your relationship. Because actually some things are necessary and if those needs aren’t being met then there’s no real balancing out possible. So on one hand you have no intimacy but on the other hand you like hiking together. But do you need hiking the way you need intimacy? Is any amount of hiking going to balance out wanting to have sex and feeling rejected? I can’t say, only you can. But I have my suspicions. Your girlfriend may be a wonderful person, but it doesn’t sound like she’s wonderful for you. I left a 13 year relationship and oh I feel for you in your internal struggle. It’s hard. But like other people in this thread I’m happier now. And fyi I met my now-husband when he was 55. We are ridiculously in love. 40 is not too old. Good luck.
posted by billiebee at 4:39 AM on February 2, 2019
posted by billiebee at 4:39 AM on February 2, 2019
It sounds very much like she is pressuring you (subtly or overtly) to spend less time than you want with your terminally ill parent. I really don't need any more than that (unless she was also ill; then I might give her a LITTLE bit of a pass) to say that you need to not be in this relationship.
I will add that, whether you find another relationship soon or not, I believe that when you're out, you'll find that you're connecting or reconnecting more with other people who have dropped by the wayside in your life. It sounds like you have have interests and things you care about that have been lost in this relationship; the things you will get back are more valuable than you might think.
Good luck.
posted by gideonfrog at 5:25 AM on February 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
I will add that, whether you find another relationship soon or not, I believe that when you're out, you'll find that you're connecting or reconnecting more with other people who have dropped by the wayside in your life. It sounds like you have have interests and things you care about that have been lost in this relationship; the things you will get back are more valuable than you might think.
Good luck.
posted by gideonfrog at 5:25 AM on February 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
Yes, this sounds toxic. I'm so sorry. It's hard enough dealing with a terminally ill parent (I've done it twice) without also having zero support from the person you've chosen to be your family. And not even just zero support, but NEGATIVITY. That's not normal or healthy.
This is not what a relationship is supposed to be about. Your significant other doesn't have to agree with you about everything, and no relationship is sunshine and flowers 24/7, but your partner DOES have to RESPECT you and love you and make you generally feel better about yourself and the world. Not worse.
You and this person are incompatible. Even taking into account that we're only hearing your side of the story, so what? Your girlfriend clearly makes you feel bad about yourself and is not a force for good in your life. DTMFA. Being alone is better than being in a relationship that hurts you most of the time. I don't normally quote Oprah but I will never forget her talking to a person in a bad relationship who was defending their partner's bad treatment of them by saying "but I love them". Oprah said "love is supposed to feel good". And she's not wrong. Get out of this toxic mess, find out who you are now, look after yourself. You deserve so much better than this.
posted by biscotti at 5:35 AM on February 2, 2019 [4 favorites]
This is not what a relationship is supposed to be about. Your significant other doesn't have to agree with you about everything, and no relationship is sunshine and flowers 24/7, but your partner DOES have to RESPECT you and love you and make you generally feel better about yourself and the world. Not worse.
You and this person are incompatible. Even taking into account that we're only hearing your side of the story, so what? Your girlfriend clearly makes you feel bad about yourself and is not a force for good in your life. DTMFA. Being alone is better than being in a relationship that hurts you most of the time. I don't normally quote Oprah but I will never forget her talking to a person in a bad relationship who was defending their partner's bad treatment of them by saying "but I love them". Oprah said "love is supposed to feel good". And she's not wrong. Get out of this toxic mess, find out who you are now, look after yourself. You deserve so much better than this.
posted by biscotti at 5:35 AM on February 2, 2019 [4 favorites]
I’m going to go against the grain here and ask whether or not you’ve had an honest discussion with her about her satisfaction in the relationship. Much like sex, people who aren’t satisfied will often demand more time with someone because they aren’t getting what they want or need in the time or interaction they are getting. She may be trying to horde you because she’s not getting what she finds fulfilling from the relationship in general and she has no real idea why. It’s not something that dismisses her being toxic but, having been in several relationship where I wasn’t properly matched with the other person, our time together made me feel extremely wanting for some connection or affection or something that wasn’t there. These things spiral quickly into misery because neither partner knows what’s actually wrong. Maybe she doesn’t want to go out with your friends because she sees you full of warmth and having fun with them in ways you two don’t when you’re alone. It’s not good for her to cling in order to try to force it out of you, but it makes me wonder if you two ever really connected or something happened along the way to make her feel secondary in your life.
That’s just a theory anyway.. She could be completely controlling and toxic because she’s just that way but this reads to me of more of someone who is trying to fill a void with your time, either because she has nothing else or because she’s not getting what she wants and needs from you as partner. That in and of itself isn’t great, but if you want to stay with her it may be something to discuss openly. It also means she’s going to have to do some hefty self-examination which may ultimately cause her to leave voluntarily.
posted by Young Kullervo at 5:40 AM on February 2, 2019 [8 favorites]
That’s just a theory anyway.. She could be completely controlling and toxic because she’s just that way but this reads to me of more of someone who is trying to fill a void with your time, either because she has nothing else or because she’s not getting what she wants and needs from you as partner. That in and of itself isn’t great, but if you want to stay with her it may be something to discuss openly. It also means she’s going to have to do some hefty self-examination which may ultimately cause her to leave voluntarily.
posted by Young Kullervo at 5:40 AM on February 2, 2019 [8 favorites]
This is gonna be blunt but she sounds awful. It doesn't sound good for you. Start talking to your therapist about getting the courage to call it quits and explore other possible partnerships.
posted by Miko at 6:27 AM on February 2, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by Miko at 6:27 AM on February 2, 2019 [6 favorites]
The longer you stay in a relationship that's no longer a good fit, the more susceptible you are to the sunk cost fallacy and neither one of you getting what you want and need out of a relationship in spite of your efforts to save this one. That's not good for either of you. Also, at least some part of the clingy behavior that you are seeing from your partner could be chalked up to insecurity, lack of self awareness, and her not getting what she wants and needs out of this relationship. A conversation about all of this might be really beneficial in helping her gain some self awareness and motivate her to start working on herself. That may also make it easier for both of you to move on and at least create the possibility for each of you to find a better fit.
With regard to the fear of being alone, in my experience the best way to deal with that is to commit to being single for awhile and dealing with whatever issues come up. In my experience it's the best way to root out the dysfunctional neediness that's keeping you hooked into unsatisfying relationships.
posted by jazzbaby at 8:03 AM on February 2, 2019
With regard to the fear of being alone, in my experience the best way to deal with that is to commit to being single for awhile and dealing with whatever issues come up. In my experience it's the best way to root out the dysfunctional neediness that's keeping you hooked into unsatisfying relationships.
posted by jazzbaby at 8:03 AM on February 2, 2019
I'm thinking much more about building the rest of my life, now that I know I'm going to have one.
You have the rest of your life. Don't waste it on a relationship that doesn't fulfill your needs.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 8:20 AM on February 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
You have the rest of your life. Don't waste it on a relationship that doesn't fulfill your needs.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 8:20 AM on February 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
I think your parents need you more at this time than she does. She takes you for granted and treats you bad. End the relationship as kindly as you can and then go and spend as much time as you can with them. If you don't you may regret it when they're gone.
posted by blokefromipanema at 9:29 AM on February 2, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by blokefromipanema at 9:29 AM on February 2, 2019 [4 favorites]
I agree that her behavior is awful, but I also agree with Young Kullervo that since we know nothing about the relationship history or your behavior, it’s up to you to consider whether you’ve made a good faith effort to reach out to her, or whether this is a pattern that could easily be recreated with the next woman. It doesn’t excuse her behavior, and if she’s that unhappy the right thing to do would be to let you know or leave you, but I think people who are more prone to quiet contempt don’t always acknowledge the toxicity they’re bringing to the table. If you’ve never had therapy it might be a good idea to try it before making any drastic changes.
It does sound a lot like she doesn’t feel she’s getting what she needs from you— attention, prioritization, etc. Maybe he desires are unreasonable, maybe not.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:41 AM on February 2, 2019 [6 favorites]
It does sound a lot like she doesn’t feel she’s getting what she needs from you— attention, prioritization, etc. Maybe he desires are unreasonable, maybe not.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:41 AM on February 2, 2019 [6 favorites]
The relationship does sound toxic, and frankly, it also seems that you are alone for all emotional intents and purposes, despite demands for your physical presence. Staying in that kind of situation long-term is not good for either of you.
I share the questions above about whether you have had an honest conversation with her about how you feel about the relationship as a whole, including the teasing, the lack of physical intimacy, and the lack of support in caring for your elderly and ill parents. Although it's the smallest part of your post, you do list some good things at the end and it seems like it would be worth trying to at least deal with things openly before you make the final--and very understandable--decision to check out.
Also, I'm not a psychologist, but it would not surprise me to hear that your partner is dealing with something like depression.
posted by rpfields at 10:09 AM on February 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
I share the questions above about whether you have had an honest conversation with her about how you feel about the relationship as a whole, including the teasing, the lack of physical intimacy, and the lack of support in caring for your elderly and ill parents. Although it's the smallest part of your post, you do list some good things at the end and it seems like it would be worth trying to at least deal with things openly before you make the final--and very understandable--decision to check out.
Also, I'm not a psychologist, but it would not surprise me to hear that your partner is dealing with something like depression.
posted by rpfields at 10:09 AM on February 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
I don't think age has much to do with successful relationships. I have three close family members who found love in their 50s. At 48 with eight years of singleness under my belt, I remain mostly optimistic.
I definitely agree that it's better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel alone. From everything you've said it sounds like your partner makes you feel very alone.
posted by bendy at 3:27 PM on February 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
I definitely agree that it's better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel alone. From everything you've said it sounds like your partner makes you feel very alone.
posted by bendy at 3:27 PM on February 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
She's resentful and snipey that you visit a terminally-ill parent 1-2 nights a week? That's actually monstrous.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:24 PM on February 2, 2019 [10 favorites]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:24 PM on February 2, 2019 [10 favorites]
You’re already experiencing the loneliness you fear. You might as well allow yourself some freedom to go with it.
posted by armeowda at 12:05 PM on February 3, 2019 [10 favorites]
posted by armeowda at 12:05 PM on February 3, 2019 [10 favorites]
To me this sounds like a nice flat mate.
Honestly to me she doesn't even sound like a nice flat mate, because a nice flat mate won't make fun of your parents, won't resent that you're spending time with a terminally ill parent (!!!), won't demand that you spend all your time with them, won't expect you to stop seeing your friends, won't tear you down, and will probably hug you at least as much as you're getting hugged now.
It's valid to want to have sex, to see your friends, to snuggle, to spend time with your parents, to have progressive politics, and the rest of it. And it is so, so much better to be alone than to spend all your time with someone who inspired a post like this, or to be going on weird internet dates, or to just hang out with your friends and do normal things without worrying that someone who doesn't even want to touch you is going to be upset.
posted by bile and syntax at 9:51 AM on February 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
Honestly to me she doesn't even sound like a nice flat mate, because a nice flat mate won't make fun of your parents, won't resent that you're spending time with a terminally ill parent (!!!), won't demand that you spend all your time with them, won't expect you to stop seeing your friends, won't tear you down, and will probably hug you at least as much as you're getting hugged now.
It's valid to want to have sex, to see your friends, to snuggle, to spend time with your parents, to have progressive politics, and the rest of it. And it is so, so much better to be alone than to spend all your time with someone who inspired a post like this, or to be going on weird internet dates, or to just hang out with your friends and do normal things without worrying that someone who doesn't even want to touch you is going to be upset.
posted by bile and syntax at 9:51 AM on February 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
Well, here's the thing: it doesn't have to be toxic to be unhappy. I mean, it doesn't sound great. You go hiking and have some inside jokes, and that kind of shared history can be nice to get you through rough times... but it doesn't sound like it's ever more pleasant than this, but it's often worse than this. You don't do the things you want to do -- go to shows, visit your parent, spend time with friends -- because of her, but you are also not feeling very connected to her.
What's not clear to me is how much you all have discussed these issues. It sounds like you've talked about sex and not gotten very far (she doesn't want sex; you feel unwanted; repeat repeat repeat). But have you asked her to stop making fun of your and your parents directly? I get that maybe you would rather not have to do this, but it's unclear to me if you've told her that this is hurting your feelings and that you would like her to stop.
It's not clear if you've asked her about her needs in the relationship and what she wants. Have you suggested couples counseling?
Then again, I'm not convinced you actually like her all that much, or that you want to be with her anymore. It doesn't have to be terrible to not be what you want. And being a bit overweight and in your mid-40s does not mean that life is over. On the contrary, many people find happiness in new relationships and dating and being single after 40.
I'm 40 and afraid of being alone.
Despite being in a long-term relationship, I feel alone.
I think you answered your own question right here.
I'm in my mid-40s and left a long term relationship a few years ago. For many years, it didn't feel romantic, but it still felt like at least we were good friends. Then it stopped feeling anymore like we were friends.
I've been so much happier since leaving that relationship. He wasn't taking responsibility for his own happiness, but he is now that the relationship is over. He didn't seem to be interested in growing more, but I wasn't ready to be old and not take on new challenges.
The best part for me has been no longer feeling guilty about being a bad partner. Neither of us was happy, but he would have been miserable and loyal to the bitter end. I would rather be single. Since the end of the relationship, I've been focused much more on having and building the kind of life I want. I've had some heartbreak and I'm spending a lot more time with friends. I was spending a lot of emotional energy being unhappy in the relationship, and it's much better now.
Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:09 PM on February 4, 2019
What's not clear to me is how much you all have discussed these issues. It sounds like you've talked about sex and not gotten very far (she doesn't want sex; you feel unwanted; repeat repeat repeat). But have you asked her to stop making fun of your and your parents directly? I get that maybe you would rather not have to do this, but it's unclear to me if you've told her that this is hurting your feelings and that you would like her to stop.
It's not clear if you've asked her about her needs in the relationship and what she wants. Have you suggested couples counseling?
Then again, I'm not convinced you actually like her all that much, or that you want to be with her anymore. It doesn't have to be terrible to not be what you want. And being a bit overweight and in your mid-40s does not mean that life is over. On the contrary, many people find happiness in new relationships and dating and being single after 40.
I'm 40 and afraid of being alone.
Despite being in a long-term relationship, I feel alone.
I think you answered your own question right here.
I'm in my mid-40s and left a long term relationship a few years ago. For many years, it didn't feel romantic, but it still felt like at least we were good friends. Then it stopped feeling anymore like we were friends.
I've been so much happier since leaving that relationship. He wasn't taking responsibility for his own happiness, but he is now that the relationship is over. He didn't seem to be interested in growing more, but I wasn't ready to be old and not take on new challenges.
The best part for me has been no longer feeling guilty about being a bad partner. Neither of us was happy, but he would have been miserable and loyal to the bitter end. I would rather be single. Since the end of the relationship, I've been focused much more on having and building the kind of life I want. I've had some heartbreak and I'm spending a lot more time with friends. I was spending a lot of emotional energy being unhappy in the relationship, and it's much better now.
Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:09 PM on February 4, 2019
Being alone is better than being hurt constantly by someone close, even if unintentionally. Speaking from experience: the relief of being away from that and having space to be yourself without pain is worth every penny of loneliness paid.
(Also you're going to meet someone else, so..)
posted by ead at 7:47 PM on February 9, 2019 [1 favorite]
(Also you're going to meet someone else, so..)
posted by ead at 7:47 PM on February 9, 2019 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
It's a choice between possibly happy and definitely miserable.
Accept that it's not working and move on with your life before you waste more of your precious and finite time on this misery.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 7:26 PM on February 1, 2019 [82 favorites]