Tons of anxiety about finding a family doctor
December 12, 2018 11:51 AM

Growing up, my family never had a family doctor. For some reason my dad always said "we never get sick, so we don't need one," which... turned out to be incorrect. I whenever I got sick, we'd just go to the local medicentre. I would like to find a family doctor, but I have tons of anxiety about it. Located in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.

I've just turned 30 and I want to make a better effort of better care of my body. I would like to find a family doctor, but I have tons of anxiety about how to go about finding one.

First of all, I think because I only went to the doctor when I was sick as an adult/child made me associate doctors with all those negative feelings. One of my family members had a medical crisis a few years ago which I would say increased my anxiety around doctors in general, it was a very stressful time. I didn't find that the doctors were very empathetic, caring, or attentive.

Also, I think I have a very big fear of revealing myself to "others" who I am not really familiar with. Which... is something I'm working on. I am well past the age of having my first pap smear and I've never had one (I KNOW!!). And to make matters worse, I'm not sexually active (and I really haven't been in the past). Discussing my lack of a sex life (ughhh) seems mortifying. I realize a doctor is supposed to be a professional we trust, but the only person I've ever told this too is my therapist (and now metafilter!). I also suspect I've had a medical issue for the past few years (which hasn't really affected my life, but... it should probably be treated). I'm kind of... doubtful if doctors can be trustworthy? Which I realize is an unhelpful/problematic way to view doctors.

I don't want a doctor who is going to mock me or be rude to me or disrespect me.

How do I go about finding a "kind," respectful, empathetic doctor? Is that asking for too much? Should I pick 2 qualities? Am I hoping to find a unicorn?

Also, finding a family doctor in my region of Canada (or, Canada in general) sounds pretty difficult. I know that I have to look doctors up on the college of physicians website and see which ones are accepting new patients. Where do I go from there, can I set up some sort of appointment to just MEET with them and see if they're an asshole or not? I don't want to set up a general medical exam with someone I don't know. How does this all work? I'd prefer to have a female doctor, is that... sexist of me?

I can go to my dentist, therapist, optometrist, hell... I've even visited a physical therapist once on my own!!! But the thought of finding a doctor carries so much baggage. I really need to get over this as I want to maintain my health as I age. (Of course, I will also bring this up with my therapist)
posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (17 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
Try this site for reviews. I’d ignore stuff about receptionists’ attitudes (though scheduling and accessibility do matter) and focus on the content of reviews vs just # ratings - look for details not only about manner and communication but about a) how good they are at figuring stuff out, b) whether they’re happy to refer out to specialists if needed (and if they have a good network of specialists). (Be wary if they just have a series of short, positive reviews that all sound the same, without details about specific experiences or a certain resonance of truth.)

Then go to the college website to see if they’re affiliated with a hospital (great if so), or have disciplinary actions against them. Also ask friends for referrals (then check out reviews if any exist).

Get it down to a list of three to five and call to ask if they’re taking patients. If yes, they may already have a “meet and greet” protocol in place, whereby you both see if it’s a fit. If they don’t, ask if they’ll do that. (NB this may also be a way for them to screen out people with complex conditions or people they might see as a pain in the ass. Whatever, if they don’t want you, you don’t want them.) Then you’d formally join the practice.

There might be rules around which walk-in clinics you can go to out-of-hours (they don’t get paid or may be penalized if you see someone else, I’m not sure about AB).

Good luck!
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:04 PM on December 12, 2018


I have no Edmonton-specific advice for you, but wanted to say that it is not wrong to want a female doctor. I have very few "sex-specific" medical issues, but have always had - and preferred - a female doctor. Lots of female family doctors know that their female patients prefer a female doctor. It is not a bad thing.
posted by hepta at 12:12 PM on December 12, 2018


I would read ratemymd with caution. In other words, I *would* read it, but with caution. People are much more likely to go on there to complain than to talk about having a perfectly good doctor. So what I tend to do when reading reviews is read the negative reviews and find out what exactly they're complaining about and see if it's something I think is something to complain about.

But yeah the biggest thing is to ask your friends. Since a lot of docs don't take new patients, you might (I've never tried this, but it seems worth trying) ask your friends who like their docs to ask their docs if *they* know of any good doctors accepting new patients.

If you're not in a hurry, take your time. You want this relationship to last forever(ish)! I've had my same family doctor since I was 10.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 12:20 PM on December 12, 2018


Please know that your feelings and anxiety over this are not rare. Doctors are very used to seeing people who do not regularly go to doctors and who experience anxiety over doing so. You are not the only person who feels this way!
And there is absolutely nothing sexist or inappropriate about wanting to see a female doctor. You deserve to receive care from a doctor who will meet your needs. If that means seeing a female doctor, than that’s the right decision.
posted by bookmammal at 12:25 PM on December 12, 2018


Do you have friends or coworkers who may be able to recommend their own doctors? I was fortunate enough to find both an OB/GYN for myself and a pediatrician for my son via recommendations from my personal network.

Your fears, I think, center so much around bedside manner and empathy, which is something site reviews do not convey. Sometimes the best doctors may have good reviews, but they are so busy that they do not have time to spend with their patients in making them comfortable. I did once try cross-referencing site reviews with Yelp (yes, Yelp) and found an amazing internist that way, although YMMV.

Absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a female doctor, but a gentle word of caution - if your reason is that a female might be more kind/ patient/ empathetic than a male, this is not always the case. Other than that, you should go with what you're most comfortable with - this is why I have a female OB/GYN.
posted by Everydayville at 12:35 PM on December 12, 2018


I'm sure others will weigh in with more specific advice on finding a good provider in your city, but I want to say that at any stage, if a doctor makes you feel like crap, make sure you know that you do not have to stay with them. My husband once had an initial appointment with a doctor who shamed him like crazy over his weight and several other factors, and rather than thinking "fuck you, you totally suck as a care provider" and standing up and leaving, he sat there and took it and then let it plague him at significant personal cost for three additional years. It is totally possible to find a doctor who is respectful and empathetic and treats you as a partner in the care process, and you don't have to respect their authority if they aren't any of those things.

Are you part of any FB groups for your city? I've found that those can be a fantastic place to ask for GOOD doctor recommendations and not just horror stories like you might find on review sites. And seeing a female doctor is a completely reasonable desire. I specifically seek women for all my medical care except when there is no other option (like they're highly specialized or whatever) which isn't likely to be your situation. This is an incredibly common request and the receptionist will not even blink when you call to make an appointment.
posted by anderjen at 12:35 PM on December 12, 2018


I am in the US, but generally you don't have to discuss anything about your personal life. They ask if you are active and you say no. They will not pry into why and if they do, just say that it is a private matter.
posted by soelo at 12:37 PM on December 12, 2018


If you have or have had a relationship with a dentist, therapist, optometrist, and physical therapist, can you ask them if they have a recommendation? At least some of them are likely to have coordinated care.

Also, I wouldn't worry about a doctor "who is going to mock me or be rude to me or disrespect me." They are vanishingly rare. But there are doctors whose personalities are going to make you feel less or more comfortable. Personally, I don't want a "kind" doctor who expresses empathy. I prefer the professional distance of someone who treats my body the same way a mechanic would treat a car (though with fewer power tools). Others would find that approach harsh and disrespectful. Patients also differ in how much testing they want, whether to treat minor issues or let them ride, and so on.

The point is, you don't want to just find a "good" doctor, you want to find a doctor who is good for you, which is the point of an initial meeting.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 12:41 PM on December 12, 2018


You can absolutely have a female doctor--that's all I ever have had, on purpose.

I don't know how it works in Candada, but here in the US, when I've been auditioning doctors I usually make an initial appointment for something real but not super important to me. Like, go see them when you have a cold, or eczema, or trouble sleeping, and see how you interact with them. This lets you build trust in them (ideally), and suss out whether you like them enough to share things like reproductive health concerns with them.

And please be kind to yourself about the challenges you're facing in finding a doctor; I think medical stuff is really emotionally fraught for many people, and it makes sense that it would provoke anxiety and avoidance. It does for me! Just remember that you don't have to stick with someone if you don't like them--you have time to shop around and find the right fit for you, and to build a trusting relationship with them gradually. If it's an emergency, you always have clinics and hospitals.
posted by stellaluna at 1:12 PM on December 12, 2018


In BC here, but the system is not substantially different there, as far as I understand it.

I found my (now) family doctor at a walk-in clinic that also takes appointments (online) on top of a Superstore (of all places). Their appointment scheduling site shows the names of the physicians and their open appointment times on a given day. So you could theoretically look up a nearby clinic, check the names of their GP's in the schedule, and then do a little RateMD or googling if you want.

I first saw my Doctor because she had an opening that day (knowing nothing about her otherwise), and from then on just booked with her since I liked her style of practice. Although I wasn't officially solely her patient, for all intents and purposes I felt like one since she remembered me (despite my visits being 15 months apart) and I was able to just book appointments with her when I needed to.

Now she is moving clinics to start a family practice and is taking my file with as one of her patients, at my request (and her offering).

Perhaps you'll have similar success? Good luck either way.
posted by area.man at 2:28 PM on December 12, 2018


In Ontario there's a Health Care Connect service that finds a PCP (primary care physician) for you. I used this service to find mine. They took my preferences into account when they found a doc for me.

It looks like Alberta has a similar service as part of the '811' health care phone line as per this page. You can call them and explain your concerns and preferences to them. Also, if you find a doc and you don't click, you should be able to 'unattach' yourself from that doc and seek another. All of these concerns should be addressable by the 811 folks.

Good luck.
posted by sid at 2:30 PM on December 12, 2018


This site is how I found doctor in Edmonton, years ago. (I checked and unfortunately it says she’s not taking new patients).

It’s what Alberta Health links to and they have a filter by gender option in the search. Alberta Health doesn’t file people as belonging to a particular GP as far as I can tell because I’ve been phoned and asked if I still wanted to be a patient of Dr. So-and-so years after moving (within Alberta) and getting a new doctor. I don’t think there’s anything stopping you from trying a doctor and then switching to someone else.
I have, on the other hand, had trouble when no psychiatrists would accept the referral my GP was trying to send out because I was still listed as the patient of someone who had semi-retired and I could no longer see. But it doesn’t seem to work like that for GPs.
posted by delezzo at 3:54 PM on December 12, 2018


Seconding everyone who mentioned the Primary Care Network website - that's how I (easily) found my first family doctor when I moved to Alberta, as well as my second when I found my first doc was a bit of a dumpster fire.

The process here is pretty simple - doctors accepting new patients usually schedule meet and greet appointments where you can mutually see if you're a good fit. If that's cool, then you can go ahead with scheduling a physical and whatnot. Also, unlike some other provinces *cough*Ontario*cough*, it is fairly easy to find another doctor accepting new patients (or at least it is in southern AB).
posted by blerghamot at 3:59 PM on December 12, 2018


Hey, you'll be OK. I grew up in a similar situation and had to catch up in my late 20's. I turned out OK-- so will you. Specific tips:

You don't have to stick with the first doctor you get. If you don't feel comfortable with your first one, pick a new one. This happens all the time and it is totally normal and expected. Part of my job-- like every other day when I was doing more library service to adults-- was helping people research lists of new doctors to try. It is totally reasonable to want to get the best for you.

It's not sexist to prefer a woman doctor because that's how you're comfortable. There's nothing wrong with that. Statistically, there are more women doctors graduating anyway and their patient outcomes are as good as men doctors. Doctors just want you to show up and take care of yourself, they don't care why you picked them.

If possible, ask friends if they know a good one. It is not weird to go to the same doctor as someone else. They like referral traffic, it means they're doing a good job. Similarly, if you read doctor reviews online, try to look at the plurality of reviews. So if you see consistently bad reviews across multiple sites, that would be a red flag-- but only if there were multiple reviews per site. If there are only three reviews and one is bad, that is less reliable. Also, consider that people who are satisfied are usually not the people writing the review-- it's usually the 1-stars or the 5-stars who go to the trouble.

If you have an LGBTQ+ friendly office or clinic nearby, go there even if you are not under the queer umbrella. In my experience, doctors and nurses who work primarily with this client base are friendlier, more open-minded, and overall more easygoing than doctors in general. Women's health clinics are also relatively chill.

Also, if it helps, you can ask a friend to make the appointment for you if you're too freaked out about talking to someone on the phone. You can also have someone come with you-- you're allowed to bring a friend. Lots of people do.
posted by blnkfrnk at 4:18 PM on December 12, 2018


Primary care doctor here (but not, obviously, your primary care doctor :-)

Please know that the difficulty you're having is very, very common. But it's a good idea to get plugged in with someone even as a basically healthy person so that you have somewhere to go if things change, or if you've just got something you'd like to get checked out. A few years back I made a totally healthy relative of mine get a checkup, which returned a totally normal bill of health. But then he had a place to go a year later when he had a totally unexpected blood clot in his leg, and he didn't have to go to the emergency room or the hospital or scramble to find someone who could monitor his medication afterward.

When you go see a doctor for the first time, you do not have to tell them anything you're not comfortable with or do anything you're not comfortable with. I've had patients that I've known for literally years finally get comfortable enough to tell me important things about their lives, and I am sure that there are others who are still not there yet. Sometimes that information makes it easier to figure out how to help them; sometimes it's just something they'd like me to know. We ask a lot of nosy questions, because sometimes patients really need us to ask things and not rely on volunteering them, but it's always okay to keep things private. It's TOTALLY OKAY to say "you know, I'd rather not talk about my sex life right now, I don't think I'm at high risk for anything." It's also totally okay to say that you're nervous about something or have some hangups around going to the doctor. I have patients with needle phobias, doctor phobias, pill phobias, etc. I try to meet them where they're at.

One of the nice things about primary care is that there are relatively few real emergencies--there is lots of serious illness, but relatively few things where a couple of days are going to make a major difference. If a patient needs a visit or two to talk through things or get comfortable before committing to a plan we can usually do that, even when it's important.

You've gotten some good advice on how to find someone you'll click with. It's okay to try a few different people; there's a wide range of personalities and individual practice styles and we know that not everyone is going to be a great match.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 5:08 PM on December 12, 2018


Hey, fellow Prairies-dweller with crippling doctor-related anxiety!
Nthing the PCN website. Troll through it, and if there are a few GPs who seem like a good fit, but they are only accepting limited new patients, you have a way in. You can ask one GP for a referral to another GP. Seems ridiculous, but you can. So if you pick someone and they're not great for you, that's always an option. (Or you can be like me and just avoid the current doctor you don't like and in the meantime one of the GPs you were going to ask to be referred to retired ... But hey, don't be like me!)
posted by bluebelle at 8:44 PM on December 12, 2018


I just wanted to add one thing: All else being equal, you might consider what kind of practice doctors are in while choosing. 1. Some practices are basically businesses that hire doctors. Your doctor can "get another job" and leave that one (and likely will when they have enough money saved to start their own practice). 2. Some are private practices with one doctor. 3. Some are group practices where some like-minded doctors get together and open/own a practice together. I think you want either option 2 or 3.

If you find finding/choosing/getting a doctor difficult, then don't put yourself in a situation where you might need to do it again in a few years. Option 3 has the added advantage that if you ever need to see a doc on a day your doctor is away/on vacation/on mat leave/sick/whatever you can see another doc in the practice (if you're comfortable). Over years you'll form (weaker) relationships with them, too). I have a doctor in practice type 3 with about 5 doctors in the practice and I can always get a same day appointment, even if my doc isn't working that day (though unless it's super urgent i prefer to wait for my own doc).
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 9:05 AM on December 13, 2018


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