How to approach further intimacy in a new dating relationship?
November 10, 2018 4:30 AM Subscribe
I posted previously about how my new date was nervous in bed. There have been developments since then, and I want to broach this sensitively.
I posted previously about the guy I was dating - when we attempted to sleep together the first time, he could only get semi-erect & it didn't happen. We still explored each other sexually & he said he had an 'amazing' time, but there was been no more indoors/sexual contact since then. There have also been developments since then that I think could be important.
Following our intimate evening, he told me there were some things he wanted to discuss in person. He said he is in therapy at the moment because he cannot remember approximately 6 years of his life during childhood - & that he is in the process of trying to remember. I am not an expert in this topic by any means, but my first thought was of possible abuse? Or some kind of trauma. He also said that he did not feel able to have a relationship right now, but that he loves spending time together & wants to continue spend time together.
He asked how I felt about this & I said I felt that 'I don't want a relationship right now' usually means 'I am just not that into you'. He assured me this was not the case & purely based on his own shortcomings right now. He then said 'I suppose what I really mean is - can we take this slowly?'When I thought about it further, I also realised I am still working through the remnants of my last relationship - I feel I'm recalibrating & now have a better idea of the kind of partner I want/want to be but I am not 100% healed yet. So that process is on-going for me.
Since that conversation he has called every day & we've been on 2 further dates. The dates always leave me feeling supported, energised & like the best possible version of myself. He holds my hands, kisses me often & we snuggle but only when the venues are conducive to doing that. But when hands started wandering a little too much recently, I asked him to stop - hello public place! Basically, we have not been in a properly private space since we became intimate two weeks ago.
While I am not feeling the need to progress things at a Herculean rate sexually, I no longer know how intimate he wants to be & have been reluctant to raise the topic, since he said he wants to take things slowly. I want to share a private space with him again, so that we don't have to worry about prying eyes, without it seeming like I am pushing for sex. What & when is the best way to approach/communicate this?
I posted previously about the guy I was dating - when we attempted to sleep together the first time, he could only get semi-erect & it didn't happen. We still explored each other sexually & he said he had an 'amazing' time, but there was been no more indoors/sexual contact since then. There have also been developments since then that I think could be important.
Following our intimate evening, he told me there were some things he wanted to discuss in person. He said he is in therapy at the moment because he cannot remember approximately 6 years of his life during childhood - & that he is in the process of trying to remember. I am not an expert in this topic by any means, but my first thought was of possible abuse? Or some kind of trauma. He also said that he did not feel able to have a relationship right now, but that he loves spending time together & wants to continue spend time together.
He asked how I felt about this & I said I felt that 'I don't want a relationship right now' usually means 'I am just not that into you'. He assured me this was not the case & purely based on his own shortcomings right now. He then said 'I suppose what I really mean is - can we take this slowly?'When I thought about it further, I also realised I am still working through the remnants of my last relationship - I feel I'm recalibrating & now have a better idea of the kind of partner I want/want to be but I am not 100% healed yet. So that process is on-going for me.
Since that conversation he has called every day & we've been on 2 further dates. The dates always leave me feeling supported, energised & like the best possible version of myself. He holds my hands, kisses me often & we snuggle but only when the venues are conducive to doing that. But when hands started wandering a little too much recently, I asked him to stop - hello public place! Basically, we have not been in a properly private space since we became intimate two weeks ago.
While I am not feeling the need to progress things at a Herculean rate sexually, I no longer know how intimate he wants to be & have been reluctant to raise the topic, since he said he wants to take things slowly. I want to share a private space with him again, so that we don't have to worry about prying eyes, without it seeming like I am pushing for sex. What & when is the best way to approach/communicate this?
This post was deleted for the following reason: Once again, AskMe isn't for play-by-play relationship stuff. Please don't continue to ask ongoing "what did they mean by X" / "how can I communicate X" at every step. A therapist can give you the support you want and help you build these communication skills for yourself. Also, this question is edging into revealing private info about a third party without their consent, which isn't a good direction. -- taz
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But yeah, there’s something much bigger going on here. Someone who can’t remember six years of their childhood almost surely has some pretty ugly repressed memories, and if he’s in therapy things might become very challenging for him. You need to decide just how patient you’re willing to be, as his recovery from whatever awful stuff happened to him has to be his top priority.
posted by amro at 4:58 AM on November 10, 2018 [1 favorite]