how does one just never get used to it, whatever it is?
October 19, 2018 8:50 PM Subscribe
The pattern I'm used to with unfortunate circumstances is, one complains about it for a while, then one figures out ways to work around it, then one gets used to it. My wife does not do this. Three are some relatively minor things she appears to be bizarrely unable to accept. I don't understand why, and she doesn't understand how I don't understand. If you also have things you cannot get used to, and you do understand why, can you explain it to me?
Examples of what I mean by getting used to things:
Examples of not getting used to things:
But I'm totally baffled by how this happens. She's been riding these subways for years. She's been in climates this cold her entire life. She went to undergrad in a city hundreds of miles away from where she grew up, where surely the local groceries were priced differently. Shouldn't she have gotten used to it by now?
And, to be clear, these are far from the only examples. She just appears, in general, not to get used to things.
I have tried asking her. She says things like, "But it's cold!" and "It's just too crowded!" and looks at me as if that must surely explain everything. It doesn't, to me.
So I guess I'm looking for someone who, like my wife, doesn't get used to things, but, unlike my wife, understands how he doesn't.
Examples of what I mean by getting used to things:
- I'm not literate in the local language. Now I have to work as a handyman instead of an electrical engineer. But I guess it pays the bills, and hey, my pay includes use of an apartment in the basement.
- It takes an hour to get to anywhere that'll sell me rice in containers larger than 4 oz. But they do have lots of potatoes, so once I figure out how to store and cook potatoes it's not hard to get enough to eat.
- It is way too hot. I just have to resign myself to spending a couple months of the year sitting very still, nearly naked, drinking copiously, and not even peeing that much. Also, I'd probably better learn to drink cold water, and sleep on the bare springs wrapped in a wet sheet. Thank goodness for the internet.
Examples of not getting used to things:
- People stand too close to me on the subway. I will insist on waiting to see if the next train is less crowded.
- It's too cold. I will wear a bathrobe over my short-sleeved shirt and complain about how cold I am. (This one's not even a change: she grew up in an even colder climate.)
- I don't like the taste of (very many cheap, reliably available, nutritious foods). I will pay 4-8 times more for less nutritious food, or else go hungry if that store is closed, even though I'm already so underweight my doctor is advising me to drink Ensure and eat ice cream.
But I'm totally baffled by how this happens. She's been riding these subways for years. She's been in climates this cold her entire life. She went to undergrad in a city hundreds of miles away from where she grew up, where surely the local groceries were priced differently. Shouldn't she have gotten used to it by now?
And, to be clear, these are far from the only examples. She just appears, in general, not to get used to things.
I have tried asking her. She says things like, "But it's cold!" and "It's just too crowded!" and looks at me as if that must surely explain everything. It doesn't, to me.
So I guess I'm looking for someone who, like my wife, doesn't get used to things, but, unlike my wife, understands how he doesn't.
I mean, what you call “not getting used to something” looks like she’s found coping mechanisms that work for her just fine. What’s the problem?
posted by Andrhia at 9:00 PM on October 19, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by Andrhia at 9:00 PM on October 19, 2018 [9 favorites]
Response by poster: I guess I consider you to be coping successfully when you are no longer constantly bothered by it. Not that you have to be full-on Stockholm syndrome happy with it, but I expect you to reach an, "Eh, life goes on," kind of indifference. She remains frequently and vocally dissatisfied. And at least in the last example, so does her doctor.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 9:07 PM on October 19, 2018
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 9:07 PM on October 19, 2018
It's hard to tell exactly what's going on, and like previous commenters noted, maybe it's a lack of recognition that she does in fact have coping mechanisms in place. It could also be an example of a personality clash between suffering out loud and suffering in silence. Or just a personality who chooses to voice the negative all day long, vs ignoring or focusing on more positive things.
posted by JenMarie at 9:09 PM on October 19, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by JenMarie at 9:09 PM on October 19, 2018 [5 favorites]
The crowded subway behavior is pretty classic anxiety and maybe even phobia (like claustrophobia, possibly something more nuanced). The food behavior is...probably also an issue that is bigger than "get used to eating other food". The cold issue is likely a side effect of the food/eating/digestive/sensory issue.
But you can't make her want (or able to obtain, depending on where you are) help for any of that, so you may have to accept the wife you've got instead of the one you wish you had.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:12 PM on October 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
But you can't make her want (or able to obtain, depending on where you are) help for any of that, so you may have to accept the wife you've got instead of the one you wish you had.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:12 PM on October 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
As someone on medication for OCD, I feel like commenters are kind of reaching to present these coping mechanisms as healthy or functional. Refusing to take the train until you find a non-crowded car means you miss your train and fuck up your commute schedule. Making up elaborate rules for what foods you will eat or refusing to eat on a day your favorite store is closed to the extent that your doctor wants you to be on Ensure is a description of an unmanaged eating disorder that’s reaching dangerous levels of calorie restriction. Btw, being drastically underweight means you’re going to have a lot less tolerance for cold, so if your wife was at a healthier body weight when she lived in a colder city, the climate was probably affecting her differently. All of this sounds like your wife is really struggling with some mental health issues surrounding control, anxiety, and sensory stuff (proximity to other people, calorie restriction.) I think you can try to be supportive and sympathetic to what’s going on with her without either thinking that she’s crazy or being mysteriously, stubborn and refusing to “get used to it.”
posted by moonlight on vermont at 9:14 PM on October 19, 2018 [74 favorites]
posted by moonlight on vermont at 9:14 PM on October 19, 2018 [74 favorites]
If you need commiseration, then yeah, it's exhausting - trying to be supportive to someone who's coping mechanisms boil down to voicing their distress all the time and dragging you through a lot of not very productive counter measures. I wish could have those years back.
posted by bonobothegreat at 9:19 PM on October 19, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by bonobothegreat at 9:19 PM on October 19, 2018 [6 favorites]
I have a term for this: L2H. It means Love to Hate. It’s when you get a lot of satiasfaction about complaining and and not settling for stuff.
Have to be careful to not oversupply L2H, but maybe for your wife the key is to just say, “yes! so awful! Tell me allllll about it” and laugh when she’s funny?
posted by vunder at 9:43 PM on October 19, 2018
Have to be careful to not oversupply L2H, but maybe for your wife the key is to just say, “yes! so awful! Tell me allllll about it” and laugh when she’s funny?
posted by vunder at 9:43 PM on October 19, 2018
but I expect you to reach an, "Eh, life goes on," kind of indifference
And you seems to have not reached this point with your wife’s coping mechanisms?
posted by rtha at 9:59 PM on October 19, 2018 [61 favorites]
And you seems to have not reached this point with your wife’s coping mechanisms?
posted by rtha at 9:59 PM on October 19, 2018 [61 favorites]
Btw, might there be some kind of underlying physical health issue going on that’s contributing to all of this? Food restrictions, anxiety, dangerous weight loss, body temperature regulation issues and physical disconfort— that general feeling that there’s something *wrong*— all of this sounds like it could also be some kind of undiagnosed condition/allergy/intolerance/etc where your wife knows something’s not right but she can’t put exactly what that is into words.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 10:24 PM on October 19, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by moonlight on vermont at 10:24 PM on October 19, 2018 [6 favorites]
I don't know a lot about your general situation, but I've known people who used their refusal to settle for circumstances in which they weren't happy as a motivator for the work they needed to do to change those circumstances. Like, a friend who lived on cheap hot dogs for years and as soon as he could afford something better never touched another hot dog again.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:31 PM on October 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:31 PM on October 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
I don't really understand your first two examples, or why people are calling waiting for a less crowded train phobic or anxious. I do that all the time and I suffer from neither of those things, I just don't understand why people cram themselves onto a jammed train or bus for a miserable journey when the next one or two will be far less jammed and make for a much more pleasant journey. As for the cold example . . . again, what is she supposed to do? Just . . . stop being cold? Putting on something warm sounds like a normal thing to do when you're cold.
I think you would probably think of me as someone who doesn't get used to things, and I find your way maddening. Why would I continue to do things that make me miserable if I can take steps to do things that will make me less miserable?
(In your case, you both sound really unhappy where you live and I would be pushing to live somewhere else, although I 100% realize that for a whole host of reasons that may not be feasible.)
posted by tiger tiger at 12:05 AM on October 20, 2018 [26 favorites]
I think you would probably think of me as someone who doesn't get used to things, and I find your way maddening. Why would I continue to do things that make me miserable if I can take steps to do things that will make me less miserable?
(In your case, you both sound really unhappy where you live and I would be pushing to live somewhere else, although I 100% realize that for a whole host of reasons that may not be feasible.)
posted by tiger tiger at 12:05 AM on October 20, 2018 [26 favorites]
Maybe undiagnosed thyroid issue? I agree it sounds like there’s something deeper driving a lot of this.
posted by jbenben at 12:12 AM on October 20, 2018
posted by jbenben at 12:12 AM on October 20, 2018
Does your wife have the same cultural background as you? Complaining about things is a bonding ritual in Poland, for example. For me it's letting out frustration - yeah, I'll come up with coping strategies, but I won't start liking the summer heat, so it's simmer quietly or complain. Letting things out seems to be healthier and makes other people bothered by the same things feel validated.
posted by I claim sanctuary at 12:25 AM on October 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by I claim sanctuary at 12:25 AM on October 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
She just appears, in general, not to get used to things.
Rather, she sounds inflexible about specific things. My husband is like this. He has a diagnosis on the Autism spectrum.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:12 AM on October 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
Rather, she sounds inflexible about specific things. My husband is like this. He has a diagnosis on the Autism spectrum.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:12 AM on October 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
Reading the description I was thinking "sensory issues" (just a personal impression, obviously).
For people saying they don't understand the example about cold: I complain about being cold too, but that's when I'm still cold after putting on multiple underlayers and sweaters and a scarf and hat and maybe even gloves. Bathrobe over T-shirt seems an odd place to stop unless you have some (sensory?) reason for avoiding clothes meant for the purpose.
(That said, maybe it's just her way of saying she wants to up the indoor heating.)
posted by trig at 1:19 AM on October 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
For people saying they don't understand the example about cold: I complain about being cold too, but that's when I'm still cold after putting on multiple underlayers and sweaters and a scarf and hat and maybe even gloves. Bathrobe over T-shirt seems an odd place to stop unless you have some (sensory?) reason for avoiding clothes meant for the purpose.
(That said, maybe it's just her way of saying she wants to up the indoor heating.)
posted by trig at 1:19 AM on October 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
Some of this sounds sensory.
I have sensory issues due to being on the autism spectrum, so I can tell you some about what it's like not to get used to things-- especially since I can and do just get used to things that aren't my sensory issues.
Let's say there are two people, and they're both in an unpleasant situation. Both of their brains say to them, repeatedly, 'This situation is unpleasant! I don't like this! It's wrong! Change it!'. This is a recurring thought, and it displaces other thoughts they might be having and distracts from whatever they are doing. The thought of how miserable this is recurs every few seconds, and they both feel terrible.
Now, let's say that unpleasant situation recurs every so often, and there isn't much to be done about that.
Person A's brain (like yours) starts to say, on some level, 'This sucks, but it's normal. It's how things are supposed to go, and how they usually go.' This thought is not obtrusive-- if it comes into the front of their brain at all, it does so infrequently, and without much energy behind it. After all, it's just a reaffirmation of the status quo, even though the status quo kind of sucks.
Person B's brain (like your wife's) does not make this transition. As far as I can tell, the reasons behind this are neurological. Every time this person is in the situation, their brain continues to serve to them, every five seconds, 'This is wrong, this is not how things should be, bad, change this!', with urgency and emotion. The thought is intrusive and distracting.
I am Person A about some things and Person B about others, and the thing is, it's really exhausting being Person B. It resembles having chronic pain, where it just keeps going and going and taking up energy and attention you could use for other things, and you can't actually tell your brain to stop serving the something-is-wrong message, because that isn't voluntary. Where you have control is in your reactions to the error message-- and most of the time, you try to cope and just handle things, which you know is the mature response.
But if your brain does this a lot, it's really, really difficult and frustrating to ignore these error messages, and sometimes it's just way easier to try to find a way to change the situation to make the message stop playing at you, even if the things that shut off the error message turn out to be peculiar or silly or childish.
Also, if you can't find a way to shut off the error message, sometimes you wind up complaining about it, because won't your head ever shut up. Like, your wife may not so much be complaining about being cold, per se, as complaining about the fact that she is unable to think about anything other than being cold because she can't figure out how to shut off the error message.
Your wife sounds as though she may at this point be being behaviorally controlled by her error messages, which is a genuine pathology, can cause serious quality-of-life issues, and should probably be something health care professionals are looking at with her. I have a lot of sympathy for her, if that's the case, because it is an incredibly tense and frustrating mode of existence.
posted by Rush-That-Speaks at 2:18 AM on October 20, 2018 [32 favorites]
I have sensory issues due to being on the autism spectrum, so I can tell you some about what it's like not to get used to things-- especially since I can and do just get used to things that aren't my sensory issues.
Let's say there are two people, and they're both in an unpleasant situation. Both of their brains say to them, repeatedly, 'This situation is unpleasant! I don't like this! It's wrong! Change it!'. This is a recurring thought, and it displaces other thoughts they might be having and distracts from whatever they are doing. The thought of how miserable this is recurs every few seconds, and they both feel terrible.
Now, let's say that unpleasant situation recurs every so often, and there isn't much to be done about that.
Person A's brain (like yours) starts to say, on some level, 'This sucks, but it's normal. It's how things are supposed to go, and how they usually go.' This thought is not obtrusive-- if it comes into the front of their brain at all, it does so infrequently, and without much energy behind it. After all, it's just a reaffirmation of the status quo, even though the status quo kind of sucks.
Person B's brain (like your wife's) does not make this transition. As far as I can tell, the reasons behind this are neurological. Every time this person is in the situation, their brain continues to serve to them, every five seconds, 'This is wrong, this is not how things should be, bad, change this!', with urgency and emotion. The thought is intrusive and distracting.
I am Person A about some things and Person B about others, and the thing is, it's really exhausting being Person B. It resembles having chronic pain, where it just keeps going and going and taking up energy and attention you could use for other things, and you can't actually tell your brain to stop serving the something-is-wrong message, because that isn't voluntary. Where you have control is in your reactions to the error message-- and most of the time, you try to cope and just handle things, which you know is the mature response.
But if your brain does this a lot, it's really, really difficult and frustrating to ignore these error messages, and sometimes it's just way easier to try to find a way to change the situation to make the message stop playing at you, even if the things that shut off the error message turn out to be peculiar or silly or childish.
Also, if you can't find a way to shut off the error message, sometimes you wind up complaining about it, because won't your head ever shut up. Like, your wife may not so much be complaining about being cold, per se, as complaining about the fact that she is unable to think about anything other than being cold because she can't figure out how to shut off the error message.
Your wife sounds as though she may at this point be being behaviorally controlled by her error messages, which is a genuine pathology, can cause serious quality-of-life issues, and should probably be something health care professionals are looking at with her. I have a lot of sympathy for her, if that's the case, because it is an incredibly tense and frustrating mode of existence.
posted by Rush-That-Speaks at 2:18 AM on October 20, 2018 [32 favorites]
So I guess I'm looking for someone who, like my wife, doesn't get used to things, but, unlike my wife, understands how he doesn't.
You just described every single car driver in Massachusetts. Despite knowing traffic conditions and how everyone drives like crazy people, we are a state of cursing, gesturing, complaining, screaming, horn-blowing, brake-slamming, bird-flipping drivers.*
*Seriously, come. The foliage is lovely.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:00 AM on October 20, 2018 [8 favorites]
You just described every single car driver in Massachusetts. Despite knowing traffic conditions and how everyone drives like crazy people, we are a state of cursing, gesturing, complaining, screaming, horn-blowing, brake-slamming, bird-flipping drivers.*
*Seriously, come. The foliage is lovely.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:00 AM on October 20, 2018 [8 favorites]
And you seems to have not reached this point with your wife’s coping mechanisms?
TBH, it almost comes across as though you have an issue with other people having preferences different than yours, or having preferences at all - something to consider.
posted by blerghamot at 4:02 AM on October 20, 2018 [26 favorites]
TBH, it almost comes across as though you have an issue with other people having preferences different than yours, or having preferences at all - something to consider.
posted by blerghamot at 4:02 AM on October 20, 2018 [26 favorites]
Uh, sometimes people just hate things and don't get used to them? I wouldn't eat food I don't like either, no matter how hungry I am, sorry. With foods I dislike, I dislike them just as much the next time, I find the sensation of being hungry easier to cope with than having to eat them. Sometimes when the buses are busy I wait for the next one, because why have an unpleasant experience when a little bit of time will get you a better one?
Maybe I'm biased because I have things in my life I really don't get used to: getting up really early, and temperatures. I hate being in a cold room, even with a bunch of layers on, because my body is really poor at temperature regulation and sometimes takes ages to warm up the air trapped in those layers so I'm still really cold, for a long time. In fact in bed I need a hot water bottle because when lying still I just... don't warm up the bed. It remains cold. Due to the same poor temperature regulation, I over-heat easily in hot weather. Basically my body just adapts very poorly, so of course I don't become "used to it," I'm still getting headaches from the heat / sore shoulders from tensing in the cold. And I find the sensation of being the wrong temperature really distressing, especially cold. On days where I was emotionally stressed, I've cried because I can't deal with the cold.
I also have a bodyclock that reacts very poorly to waking up before the sun is up - doing so on a regular basis doesn't lead to me adapting, it leads to depression and tension headaches.
Basically, these things that she finds physically unpleasant might be *just as physically unpleasant" the 500th time as the first time.
posted by stillnocturnal at 4:11 AM on October 20, 2018 [26 favorites]
Maybe I'm biased because I have things in my life I really don't get used to: getting up really early, and temperatures. I hate being in a cold room, even with a bunch of layers on, because my body is really poor at temperature regulation and sometimes takes ages to warm up the air trapped in those layers so I'm still really cold, for a long time. In fact in bed I need a hot water bottle because when lying still I just... don't warm up the bed. It remains cold. Due to the same poor temperature regulation, I over-heat easily in hot weather. Basically my body just adapts very poorly, so of course I don't become "used to it," I'm still getting headaches from the heat / sore shoulders from tensing in the cold. And I find the sensation of being the wrong temperature really distressing, especially cold. On days where I was emotionally stressed, I've cried because I can't deal with the cold.
I also have a bodyclock that reacts very poorly to waking up before the sun is up - doing so on a regular basis doesn't lead to me adapting, it leads to depression and tension headaches.
Basically, these things that she finds physically unpleasant might be *just as physically unpleasant" the 500th time as the first time.
posted by stillnocturnal at 4:11 AM on October 20, 2018 [26 favorites]
Do you both want to be where you're living right now? To me it just sounds as if you do (and are prepared to adapt so that you can be there) and she doesn't. These behaviours are things you see a lot in people who just do not want to be somewhere; they refuse to adapt, because to adapt is to acknowledge that the place is bearable, and that they might eventually be happy there. Perhaps she doesn't want to disappoint you by saying outright that she wants to leave. By building the narrative that she's just mentally and physically unable to cope with where she is, it becomes less about what she wants and more about a limitation on what's possible, which is more neutral and less likely to lead to conflict.
posted by pipeski at 4:14 AM on October 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by pipeski at 4:14 AM on October 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
For the not wanting to get crammed into the subway, your wife may very well have had some really unpleasant experiences with being groped or whatever on crowded trains. (Or maybe she's heard second hand stories and is concerned about it.) Or maybe she just doesn't enjoy being crammed in a train. If you're short, this can be particularly awkward and uncomfortable. (Ask me how I know). Anyway, this doesn't seem weird, and it sounds like she has found a way to cope with it.
Also your wife is underweight or has some other metabolic things going on, there's a particular kind of cold associated with that. It's hard to describe, but when I had an active eating disorder and was severely underweight, I was just cold all the time. I was cold when it wasn't even that cold, but then the winter (in northeast US) was almost unbearable. It felt like I would never be warm again. No amount of layers seemed enough to compensate for the cold. So even if your wife grew up in a colder climate, the cold may be harder for her to cope with now.
On the other hand, maybe your wife is just one of those people who likes to complain recreationally. I mean, case in point:
You just described every single car driver in Massachusetts. Despite knowing traffic conditions and how everyone drives like crazy people, we are a state of cursing, gesturing, complaining, screaming, horn-blowing, brake-slamming, bird-flipping drivers.*
And you know what else we do all the time? Complain about the weather. It's too cold, too hot, winter will never end, etc. There's a reason "the weather" is a universal topic of conversation. Complaining about it really can be a way to bond with people.
So is the issue that your wife vocally expresses her dissatisfaction with these things while you just suck it up and deal? If that's the case, then I would guess this is just a difference in culture or personality or something like that. Or perhaps there is more to this. It's hard to say from the limited info we have here.
posted by litera scripta manet at 4:19 AM on October 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
Also your wife is underweight or has some other metabolic things going on, there's a particular kind of cold associated with that. It's hard to describe, but when I had an active eating disorder and was severely underweight, I was just cold all the time. I was cold when it wasn't even that cold, but then the winter (in northeast US) was almost unbearable. It felt like I would never be warm again. No amount of layers seemed enough to compensate for the cold. So even if your wife grew up in a colder climate, the cold may be harder for her to cope with now.
On the other hand, maybe your wife is just one of those people who likes to complain recreationally. I mean, case in point:
You just described every single car driver in Massachusetts. Despite knowing traffic conditions and how everyone drives like crazy people, we are a state of cursing, gesturing, complaining, screaming, horn-blowing, brake-slamming, bird-flipping drivers.*
And you know what else we do all the time? Complain about the weather. It's too cold, too hot, winter will never end, etc. There's a reason "the weather" is a universal topic of conversation. Complaining about it really can be a way to bond with people.
So is the issue that your wife vocally expresses her dissatisfaction with these things while you just suck it up and deal? If that's the case, then I would guess this is just a difference in culture or personality or something like that. Or perhaps there is more to this. It's hard to say from the limited info we have here.
posted by litera scripta manet at 4:19 AM on October 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
Reading between the lines of your question, it seems like there are some big race and class issues here that you’re trying to talk around rather than address directly. You’re contrasting a pretty idealized version of 1st gen working class migrant/poc resiliency with upper middle class WASP fragility and low distress tolerance. Watching someone refuse to deal with food that isn’t the specific food they like when your dad (or whoever it was) had to take poverty line work because he wasn’t literate enough in English to get the engineering jobs he was qualified for, is hard. There’s no hedging there— it’s a bitter pill to swallow, it’s unjust, it hurts. Making the class jump to a more privileged class and dealing with problems that your family never got the chance to have is hard, but the way you’re framing this isn’t healthy.
I don’t know, and I’m not sure if you know, if you’re more upset right now by your wife’s difficulties adapting to basic life things like food or transport because of mental health issues or whatever, or by your family’s not having the option to refuse or fail to adapt to much bigger and externally imposed hardships. Those lines about barely peeing and sleeping on bare springs are practically jumping off the screen with rage, even though you’re trying to present it as an example of calm resilience, and I’m not sure if that anger is something you’re aware is showing or not. Your question reads to me like you’re resenting your wife for not having to deal with what you and your parents had to go through, and that kind of attitude turns into toxic contempt fast.
I also want to say as a 1st gen child of immigrant families, I find your lionizing that culture shock resiliency as something that everyone you know just does, happily, without ANY kind of fucked up or destructive behavior in some other part of their lives other than the oppressive work/living situation they can’t change or fight, to be... statistically unusual. If really and truly everyone you know is just rolling with the punches and making the best of things and staying super positive eg “Thank goodness for the internet!”, either your experience is pretty outside the norm or you grew up being shielded from a lot. I don’t want to dismiss the sacrifices and real resiliency and strength of 1st gen families, and certainly don’t want to paint them as dysfunctional in general. But that story is one that contains a lot of life stressors and a lot of varying experiences and coping mechanisms, good and bad. I think you might want to examine why you’re presenting that experience as one where *everyone* just happily and heroically adapts and are too practical (or have no other option than) to have things that they “cannot get used to.” Good luck.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 5:01 AM on October 20, 2018 [33 favorites]
I don’t know, and I’m not sure if you know, if you’re more upset right now by your wife’s difficulties adapting to basic life things like food or transport because of mental health issues or whatever, or by your family’s not having the option to refuse or fail to adapt to much bigger and externally imposed hardships. Those lines about barely peeing and sleeping on bare springs are practically jumping off the screen with rage, even though you’re trying to present it as an example of calm resilience, and I’m not sure if that anger is something you’re aware is showing or not. Your question reads to me like you’re resenting your wife for not having to deal with what you and your parents had to go through, and that kind of attitude turns into toxic contempt fast.
I also want to say as a 1st gen child of immigrant families, I find your lionizing that culture shock resiliency as something that everyone you know just does, happily, without ANY kind of fucked up or destructive behavior in some other part of their lives other than the oppressive work/living situation they can’t change or fight, to be... statistically unusual. If really and truly everyone you know is just rolling with the punches and making the best of things and staying super positive eg “Thank goodness for the internet!”, either your experience is pretty outside the norm or you grew up being shielded from a lot. I don’t want to dismiss the sacrifices and real resiliency and strength of 1st gen families, and certainly don’t want to paint them as dysfunctional in general. But that story is one that contains a lot of life stressors and a lot of varying experiences and coping mechanisms, good and bad. I think you might want to examine why you’re presenting that experience as one where *everyone* just happily and heroically adapts and are too practical (or have no other option than) to have things that they “cannot get used to.” Good luck.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 5:01 AM on October 20, 2018 [33 favorites]
You could be in an overfunctioning/underfunctioning dynamic.
posted by bunderful at 6:19 AM on October 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by bunderful at 6:19 AM on October 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
I too am not seeing these coping mechanisms as especially successful. To me, a successful coping mechanism for dealing with coldness is one that leaves the person not cold, not one that leaves the person still cold.
As for the bigger issue; some people just like to complain, and they see that as their way of coping, and it may be somewhat successful if it makes them psychologically feel better, even if it does nothing to alter the source of the complaint. Likewise, ‘getting over’ something doesn’t change the underlying thing either.
So if we ignore the possibility that any of these things could be changed (suspend your disbelief for a moment), then it may help you to think of her complaining and your getting-used-to-it as two mental reactions that are different but serve similar goals.
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:27 AM on October 20, 2018
As for the bigger issue; some people just like to complain, and they see that as their way of coping, and it may be somewhat successful if it makes them psychologically feel better, even if it does nothing to alter the source of the complaint. Likewise, ‘getting over’ something doesn’t change the underlying thing either.
So if we ignore the possibility that any of these things could be changed (suspend your disbelief for a moment), then it may help you to think of her complaining and your getting-used-to-it as two mental reactions that are different but serve similar goals.
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:27 AM on October 20, 2018
Sounds like you're expats and she doesn't like where you are (also, if she's thin enough to need Ensure, she's probably starving herself out of depression).
posted by kingdead at 6:53 AM on October 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by kingdead at 6:53 AM on October 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
Also,
And my wife has many redeeming qualities, so I've mostly just gotten used to the various constraints she places on my lifestyle. [...] We close the windows and keep a little electric heating element in the bed.
This is really fucking weird, dude. Do you really think having an electric blanket or hot water bottle or whatever is a constraint on your lifestyle, not something that millions of people do in normal marriages? Do you think your wife is somehow faking being cold all the time, or that people’s thermoregulation is something they can control via willpower rather than a physical process, like she is “bizarrely unable to accept” that you’re fine with the windows open and it’s within the climate range she grew up with so rationally she shouldn’t be cold and so she should just concentrate real hard and psychically kick her metabolism into a higher gear? Or that wearing a houserobe and having a heat blanket in the bed is somehow more dramatic and less “getting used to it” than your story about sleeping wrapped in wet sheets on a hot night?
The most generous interpretation I have for this is that your wife’s legitimately scary weight/health/ED issues are overwhelming you and making you cast everything she does into the frame of some stubborn pathology. Because “sleeping on wire springs is normal, wearing a robe is terrible and bizarre” is some Bitch Eating Crackers level of resentment and demonizing, and you need to check that attitude hard before it completely destroys your relationship.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 6:57 AM on October 20, 2018 [62 favorites]
And my wife has many redeeming qualities, so I've mostly just gotten used to the various constraints she places on my lifestyle. [...] We close the windows and keep a little electric heating element in the bed.
This is really fucking weird, dude. Do you really think having an electric blanket or hot water bottle or whatever is a constraint on your lifestyle, not something that millions of people do in normal marriages? Do you think your wife is somehow faking being cold all the time, or that people’s thermoregulation is something they can control via willpower rather than a physical process, like she is “bizarrely unable to accept” that you’re fine with the windows open and it’s within the climate range she grew up with so rationally she shouldn’t be cold and so she should just concentrate real hard and psychically kick her metabolism into a higher gear? Or that wearing a houserobe and having a heat blanket in the bed is somehow more dramatic and less “getting used to it” than your story about sleeping wrapped in wet sheets on a hot night?
The most generous interpretation I have for this is that your wife’s legitimately scary weight/health/ED issues are overwhelming you and making you cast everything she does into the frame of some stubborn pathology. Because “sleeping on wire springs is normal, wearing a robe is terrible and bizarre” is some Bitch Eating Crackers level of resentment and demonizing, and you need to check that attitude hard before it completely destroys your relationship.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 6:57 AM on October 20, 2018 [62 favorites]
How long have you been been married to each other?
What age range are you in?
Is transit your primary mode of transportation that you need to absolutely ride it together?
Divining the motives of even our closest loved ones can be difficult. I'm not sure there is enough information here to solve the problem as armchair observers, but definitely enough avenues from the suggestions to explore.
You and your wife might both like a book called Working with You is Killing Me, which is helpful for any personal relationship. It's all about unhooking emotionally from situations.
Also, people generally hate change and the way things are, that might be something to keep in mind.
posted by Calzephyr at 6:58 AM on October 20, 2018
What age range are you in?
Is transit your primary mode of transportation that you need to absolutely ride it together?
Divining the motives of even our closest loved ones can be difficult. I'm not sure there is enough information here to solve the problem as armchair observers, but definitely enough avenues from the suggestions to explore.
You and your wife might both like a book called Working with You is Killing Me, which is helpful for any personal relationship. It's all about unhooking emotionally from situations.
Also, people generally hate change and the way things are, that might be something to keep in mind.
posted by Calzephyr at 6:58 AM on October 20, 2018
I consider myself a pretty seasoned expat, but there are still things I don't get over easily. When husband and I lived in Switzerland due to his grad school, I complained almost every day about being smoked at while waiting for the train, because it really bothered me every day until we moved away.
Now we live in Japan and while I can get on crowded trains, it is unpleasant because people have their elbows, bags or umbrellas all over me, poking me, shoving me, so if I have the time, I try to wait for a less crowded train. Of course also because crowded means it's easier for gropers to get away unseen. I guess as a man (?), you haven't had to think about that.
I can't comment on the eating part, but I did have a period in my life where I had almost no appetite for any foods, and that period coincided with living somewhere I didn't want to live. And no matter what you would have told me back then, I couldn't bring myself to eat stuff I didn't want.
I also wonder if your wife isn't a bit fed up because she has to live in a cold basement in a country you can't properply work in because you don't know the language. Maybe you give up too easily if you just shrugged and went, oh well, I won't learn this language, so basement it is.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 6:59 AM on October 20, 2018 [19 favorites]
Now we live in Japan and while I can get on crowded trains, it is unpleasant because people have their elbows, bags or umbrellas all over me, poking me, shoving me, so if I have the time, I try to wait for a less crowded train. Of course also because crowded means it's easier for gropers to get away unseen. I guess as a man (?), you haven't had to think about that.
I can't comment on the eating part, but I did have a period in my life where I had almost no appetite for any foods, and that period coincided with living somewhere I didn't want to live. And no matter what you would have told me back then, I couldn't bring myself to eat stuff I didn't want.
I also wonder if your wife isn't a bit fed up because she has to live in a cold basement in a country you can't properply work in because you don't know the language. Maybe you give up too easily if you just shrugged and went, oh well, I won't learn this language, so basement it is.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 6:59 AM on October 20, 2018 [19 favorites]
I realize I was assuming she did want to live there and you were willing to accept it. If neither of you likes your city and life there, I’d put all this on hold while I devoted all my time and effort to finding a viable path out.
posted by SaltySalticid at 7:12 AM on October 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by SaltySalticid at 7:12 AM on October 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
While I can get on crowded trains, it is unpleasant because people have their elbows, bags or umbrellas all over me, poking me, shoving me, so if I have the time, I try to wait for a less crowded train. Of course also because crowded means it's easier for gropers to get away unseen. I guess as a man (?), you haven't had to think about that.
This is what I was thinking, too.
Waiting for a less-crowded train is perfectly reasonable, especially if any of the following apply:
she's short (it can be hard to breathe with people's chest/back smooshed into your face);
she has any kind of chronic pain (which can be made worse by being shoved and jostled in a crowd);
she is claustrophobic;
she has Anxiety;
she has PTSD.
posted by Murderbot at 7:25 AM on October 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
This is what I was thinking, too.
Waiting for a less-crowded train is perfectly reasonable, especially if any of the following apply:
she's short (it can be hard to breathe with people's chest/back smooshed into your face);
she has any kind of chronic pain (which can be made worse by being shoved and jostled in a crowd);
she is claustrophobic;
she has Anxiety;
she has PTSD.
posted by Murderbot at 7:25 AM on October 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
There are a lot of possibilities and a lot of unknowns here.
A couple of things stand out to me:
* The examples you give all seem to be related to adjusting to your current location - did she have the same approach to things when she was in grad school or in her home country?
* The examples could be seen as a contrast between someone who made a choice that they are fully committed to and someone who perhaps did not have a choice or had mixed feelings. If you are 100% on board with living there then it's easier to accept the hardships. If you aren't on board, well, it's harder. And for some people it's easier to complain about the cold or food than to say "I don't want to be here, I'm unhappy."
I can adjust to a lot but am always bothered by certain things that trigger anxiety for me. I had a friend who complained viciously about the rain which baffled me because no amount of complaining will change the rain and it just puts you in a worse mood anyway. But I would complain about noises that triggered anxiety for me - which baffled her.
Also, for some people complaining is a form of bonding.
posted by bunderful at 7:49 AM on October 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
A couple of things stand out to me:
* The examples you give all seem to be related to adjusting to your current location - did she have the same approach to things when she was in grad school or in her home country?
* The examples could be seen as a contrast between someone who made a choice that they are fully committed to and someone who perhaps did not have a choice or had mixed feelings. If you are 100% on board with living there then it's easier to accept the hardships. If you aren't on board, well, it's harder. And for some people it's easier to complain about the cold or food than to say "I don't want to be here, I'm unhappy."
I can adjust to a lot but am always bothered by certain things that trigger anxiety for me. I had a friend who complained viciously about the rain which baffled me because no amount of complaining will change the rain and it just puts you in a worse mood anyway. But I would complain about noises that triggered anxiety for me - which baffled her.
Also, for some people complaining is a form of bonding.
posted by bunderful at 7:49 AM on October 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
One reason that people may fixate on small irritations while kind of passively allowing them to continue -- e.g., complaining a lot about being cold but not choosing to putting on another layer -- is because it offers a "safe" arena for expressing and processing unhappiness about a larger, less easily tackled issue. In your wife's case, it sounds like that issue is unhappiness with where you live.
Mentally, it can be difficult to articulate, express, and accept "I am deeply unhappy because of this situation I can't control. I am going to continue to be unhappy until it changes." Nevertheless the constant unhappiness continues and so, often subconsciously, the person characterizes their unhappiness as a result of these small symbolic irritations. Even sometimes to the point of allowing them to continue, because to resolve them and still find oneself miserable would leave nothing but the big unfixable problem and resulting despair.
posted by the turtle's teeth at 8:03 AM on October 20, 2018 [8 favorites]
Mentally, it can be difficult to articulate, express, and accept "I am deeply unhappy because of this situation I can't control. I am going to continue to be unhappy until it changes." Nevertheless the constant unhappiness continues and so, often subconsciously, the person characterizes their unhappiness as a result of these small symbolic irritations. Even sometimes to the point of allowing them to continue, because to resolve them and still find oneself miserable would leave nothing but the big unfixable problem and resulting despair.
posted by the turtle's teeth at 8:03 AM on October 20, 2018 [8 favorites]
It kinda just sounds like she hates where the two of you live and is trying to withdraw from and reject it as much as possible, seeking control through maladaptive and probably not totally rational means. It's a thing people do when they feel trapped in an unacceptable living situation. This failure to cope is an expression of a fundamental unhappiness with her living situation, and seems to center around not liking the country where you live. She doesn't like the climate, doesn't like the food, doesn't like the people. I think she'd be much happier somewhere else, and probably these maladaptive behaviors would go away. Can you move?
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 9:36 AM on October 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 9:36 AM on October 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
Also, because these behaviors are not rational, you likely can't reason her out of them. It's not necessary for something to be sensible and rational for it to have a powerful hold one one's psyche. Just ask anyone with a mental health disorder.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 9:37 AM on October 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 9:37 AM on October 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
Plenty of other commenters have mentioned that this could be due to larger things like body metabolism, sensory processing, anxiety, culture shock, class issues, etc.
But it's also possible to have this kind of inflexibility due to simple personality differences. Some people are just more happy-go-lucky and willing to roll with the punches than others, who might respond to unwanted changes with complaining, half-hearted coping measures, and digging in their heels. I've heard it called the amount of control a person wants over one's life. Some people are more particular and want a lot of control, and other people don't really care. You could also say that your comfort zone happens to be different than your wife's. It sounds like you and your wife are on opposite sides of this spectrum, and also that your living environment is bringing these differences to the forefront.
I've been both the resentful complainer and the "why is this even an issue?" person in various situations in my life. In both cases, other people typically react by being baffled because I'm not doing things the "normal" way. To me, it just illustrates that there is no "normal" way.
The example that really speaks to me is the one where your wife puts on a bathrobe over a t-shirt and continues to complain about being cold. I do this all the time! Right now at this very moment, the thermometer claims it's 72F and I'm wearing a t-shirt, pajama pants, knee-length wool socks, fuzzy slippers, and a freaking down puffy jacket and my feet are still cold! It's pretty obnoxious that my body works like this. In my mind I have already taken significant countermeasures to not be cold, I am nonetheless still cold, and putting on any more layers would just feel... oppressive and annoying and uncomfortable. It's always a calculation of being more annoyed by being dressed like a marshmallow indoors vs. being more annoyed by being kind of cold. Right now I'm choosing to be kind of cold. There is an aspect of "I resent having to deal with this when other people don't even give it a second thought. I don't want to put on even more layers. I want to not have to wear them in the first place." And I say this as a person who works outside all day in all kinds of weather, and generally think of that as a perk of the job. I definitely know how to dress for the weather. But when I'm inside, it'd be really nice to not have to think about it.
posted by danceswithlight at 10:25 AM on October 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
But it's also possible to have this kind of inflexibility due to simple personality differences. Some people are just more happy-go-lucky and willing to roll with the punches than others, who might respond to unwanted changes with complaining, half-hearted coping measures, and digging in their heels. I've heard it called the amount of control a person wants over one's life. Some people are more particular and want a lot of control, and other people don't really care. You could also say that your comfort zone happens to be different than your wife's. It sounds like you and your wife are on opposite sides of this spectrum, and also that your living environment is bringing these differences to the forefront.
I've been both the resentful complainer and the "why is this even an issue?" person in various situations in my life. In both cases, other people typically react by being baffled because I'm not doing things the "normal" way. To me, it just illustrates that there is no "normal" way.
The example that really speaks to me is the one where your wife puts on a bathrobe over a t-shirt and continues to complain about being cold. I do this all the time! Right now at this very moment, the thermometer claims it's 72F and I'm wearing a t-shirt, pajama pants, knee-length wool socks, fuzzy slippers, and a freaking down puffy jacket and my feet are still cold! It's pretty obnoxious that my body works like this. In my mind I have already taken significant countermeasures to not be cold, I am nonetheless still cold, and putting on any more layers would just feel... oppressive and annoying and uncomfortable. It's always a calculation of being more annoyed by being dressed like a marshmallow indoors vs. being more annoyed by being kind of cold. Right now I'm choosing to be kind of cold. There is an aspect of "I resent having to deal with this when other people don't even give it a second thought. I don't want to put on even more layers. I want to not have to wear them in the first place." And I say this as a person who works outside all day in all kinds of weather, and generally think of that as a perk of the job. I definitely know how to dress for the weather. But when I'm inside, it'd be really nice to not have to think about it.
posted by danceswithlight at 10:25 AM on October 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
Sorry, it sounds like your wife finds some things in life annoying or uncomfortable, and expresses her feelings. I don't see anything wrong with that. It just sounds like she has a different temperament than you, which is part of the great variety of the human tapestry. Feeling cold and putting something on is reasonable, I wait for the next less crowded bus all the time, but I still huff about it because its annoying. Also, food stuff is DEEPLY complicated with LOTS of emotional and psychological baggage that can be attached to it that is not nearly so simple "a is more nutritious than b therefore eat a", especially for women.
posted by wellifyouinsist at 10:53 AM on October 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by wellifyouinsist at 10:53 AM on October 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
Honest question: why are you in this country? You both sound kind of miserable, though you’re handling it in different ways.
posted by stoneandstar at 11:14 AM on October 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by stoneandstar at 11:14 AM on October 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
Like most areas of human behaviour, coping exists on a continuum. You and your wife appear to be on different ends of it in terms of complaining about things, but you might be closer than you think in terms of taking useful action to deal with things. Many people would not consider simply accepting that you don't speak the local language and thus have to work a low paying job to be a virtue, you know?
posted by jacquilynne at 11:21 AM on October 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 11:21 AM on October 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
Wow, the responses to this are fascinating.
I have to say, I really do not understand the people who are trying to pathologize your wife. To me she seems like a person who would rather do something about her problems than just passively accept them. She doesn't like being crowded, so she waits for a less-crowded train. She doesn't like to be cold so she wears something warmer. She doesn't like certain food so she buys something she does like. In other words, she does something to improve her life, rather than just meekly accepting suboptimal circumstances.
Also, there's nothing inherently wrong with complaining, just as there's nothing inherently wrong with not complaining. It's cultural.
posted by HotToddy at 11:50 AM on October 20, 2018 [19 favorites]
I have to say, I really do not understand the people who are trying to pathologize your wife. To me she seems like a person who would rather do something about her problems than just passively accept them. She doesn't like being crowded, so she waits for a less-crowded train. She doesn't like to be cold so she wears something warmer. She doesn't like certain food so she buys something she does like. In other words, she does something to improve her life, rather than just meekly accepting suboptimal circumstances.
Also, there's nothing inherently wrong with complaining, just as there's nothing inherently wrong with not complaining. It's cultural.
posted by HotToddy at 11:50 AM on October 20, 2018 [19 favorites]
Also, under the stress bucket theory, minimising any stressors (even the small or medium stressors), helps you cope with your total stress levels.
It is possible this is what your wife is doing.
posted by Murderbot at 12:13 PM on October 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
It is possible this is what your wife is doing.
posted by Murderbot at 12:13 PM on October 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
Other than my wife, this is what everyone I know does.
this is what everyone in the world does, when they have no choice and not enough power or money to change their miserable circumstances. making an ostentatious virtue out of necessity by wallowing in discomfort to show what a cheerful face you can put on deprivation is one man's coping mechanism and another woman's reason to walk out the door of martyr manor and never come back. you can guess what I think of it but I acknowledge that what is pleasurable versus what is unbearable in a personal habit is entirely subjective.
your complaint about your wife is very confusing because half of it is How dare she move a muscle to improve her immediate physical circumstances just because they are easy to change? and the other half is How dare she be unhappy about her immediate physical circumstances when they are impossible to change and therefore logic dictates that she should cease to notice them or speak about them?
I don't think it is healthy or good to forget about an agony simply because it's been going on for a while. this happens involuntarily to the human organism unless you fight it, it's why people don't go to doctors for chronic conditions for years and years, because pain that never varies becomes like an ugly picture on the wall or a word repeated so often you forget what it means. it ceases to alarm and can even cease to be felt and seen. but like walter pater says, failure is to form habits. your wife is someone who will not submit to acceptance of misery just because she can't defeat it. who will not say something is right, only because it is habitual. this is heroic, if you like. annoying, if you don't like.
if I were you I would encourage this character trait in her, encourage her to extend her dissatisfaction with the unacceptable even further. say, to her physical health. because while she may have simply gotten used to being underweight and malnourished, conforming to your favored ethos, it would be much better for her to become "bizarrely unable to accept" this, too.
posted by queenofbithynia at 12:41 PM on October 20, 2018 [20 favorites]
this is what everyone in the world does, when they have no choice and not enough power or money to change their miserable circumstances. making an ostentatious virtue out of necessity by wallowing in discomfort to show what a cheerful face you can put on deprivation is one man's coping mechanism and another woman's reason to walk out the door of martyr manor and never come back. you can guess what I think of it but I acknowledge that what is pleasurable versus what is unbearable in a personal habit is entirely subjective.
your complaint about your wife is very confusing because half of it is How dare she move a muscle to improve her immediate physical circumstances just because they are easy to change? and the other half is How dare she be unhappy about her immediate physical circumstances when they are impossible to change and therefore logic dictates that she should cease to notice them or speak about them?
I don't think it is healthy or good to forget about an agony simply because it's been going on for a while. this happens involuntarily to the human organism unless you fight it, it's why people don't go to doctors for chronic conditions for years and years, because pain that never varies becomes like an ugly picture on the wall or a word repeated so often you forget what it means. it ceases to alarm and can even cease to be felt and seen. but like walter pater says, failure is to form habits. your wife is someone who will not submit to acceptance of misery just because she can't defeat it. who will not say something is right, only because it is habitual. this is heroic, if you like. annoying, if you don't like.
if I were you I would encourage this character trait in her, encourage her to extend her dissatisfaction with the unacceptable even further. say, to her physical health. because while she may have simply gotten used to being underweight and malnourished, conforming to your favored ethos, it would be much better for her to become "bizarrely unable to accept" this, too.
posted by queenofbithynia at 12:41 PM on October 20, 2018 [20 favorites]
Regarding cold feet: rest them on a heating pad as often as possible, under your desk, under the dining table, wherever you are sitting. And, in my opinion, nothing beats an electric blanket with dual controls in the winter, and an air conditioner in the summer. It's worth the effort to be comfortable, if at all possible, and free your mind for other things.
posted by Enid Lareg at 5:47 PM on October 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Enid Lareg at 5:47 PM on October 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
I am completely unable to understand why anyone would, as a general rule, be willing to passively accept problems that are completely within their control and find it sad at best -a sign of learned helplessness- but lazy and immature at worst. Either way, it's off-putting. So I take your wife's side here.
If I just passively accepted everything that happened and coasted through life, my life would be crap. There are innumerable things in life that I can't control and must simply tolerate. Why would I tolerate things I don't have to?
Upon reading your question, I thought your "coping mechanisms" were astonishing. You're illiterate in the local language so you just settle for a crappy job instead of learning it, but you think your wife is the disordered one for wating on a less crowded train? Really?
posted by windykites at 6:46 PM on October 20, 2018 [25 favorites]
If I just passively accepted everything that happened and coasted through life, my life would be crap. There are innumerable things in life that I can't control and must simply tolerate. Why would I tolerate things I don't have to?
Upon reading your question, I thought your "coping mechanisms" were astonishing. You're illiterate in the local language so you just settle for a crappy job instead of learning it, but you think your wife is the disordered one for wating on a less crowded train? Really?
posted by windykites at 6:46 PM on October 20, 2018 [25 favorites]
(I think the sample experiences of getting used to things are either hypothetical, or real but belonging to people other than the poster. I don't think he is saying that both he and literally everyone he knows is a handyman who used to be an electrical engineer. not specifically. they do seem hand-selected to give an idealized impression of personal strength and mental toughness. or masochism.)
but of course whether specific to your life or generalized, MSP, those patterns of silent endurance are maladaptive to some degree. because people who experience gross injustices and oppression -- or just the regular amount of suffering that even the fortunate must bear -- people who experience those things and react by burying the blow and carrying on because you must get used to it, whatever it is -- people like that pay.
broadly speaking, they are the people who pay in high blood pressure, in early heart attacks and strokes, in never-admitted depression, in sudden self-destructive acts or collapses that were preceded by no warning signs because when repression is an unquestioned good, you never stop repressing until the pressure has built up to such a degree that you actually lose control. plenty of 'lifestyle' health problems track by class/demographic/gender because different groups of people live under unequal life stressors. people in different demographics are also rewarded differently or not at all for trying to eliminate those unequal life stressors. some are punished for trying.
beyond demographics, people have different personal ideas about locus of control. not everything is nobody's fault, like the weather, or beyond your personal ability to influence, like the weather. thinking of everything that way, indiscriminately, can be very bad for you. even some things that are out of your control are still worth being angry about, if they are in other people's control. maybe even the people you are married to.
in simple terms, some people can stand still and announce that their bags are too heavy, and three strangers will spring forward and offer to carry them. other people can burst into tears and fall down on the ground and nobody will even stop to stare, just keep walking past and over them. people learn which group they're in and form a set of practices to cope. if nobody offers to help when you complain about your discomfort, why complain? that's not rational.
but it's a very different and unnatural thing to live with those assumptions when you aren't compelled by unfair circumstance or conditioned to it by long training. if sometimes when you put your trouble into words, someone willingly gives you help, why would you silence yourself? that's not rational.
I can't imagine I'm telling you anything you don't know. but your question is explicitly asked as if you don't know.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:16 PM on October 20, 2018 [14 favorites]
but of course whether specific to your life or generalized, MSP, those patterns of silent endurance are maladaptive to some degree. because people who experience gross injustices and oppression -- or just the regular amount of suffering that even the fortunate must bear -- people who experience those things and react by burying the blow and carrying on because you must get used to it, whatever it is -- people like that pay.
broadly speaking, they are the people who pay in high blood pressure, in early heart attacks and strokes, in never-admitted depression, in sudden self-destructive acts or collapses that were preceded by no warning signs because when repression is an unquestioned good, you never stop repressing until the pressure has built up to such a degree that you actually lose control. plenty of 'lifestyle' health problems track by class/demographic/gender because different groups of people live under unequal life stressors. people in different demographics are also rewarded differently or not at all for trying to eliminate those unequal life stressors. some are punished for trying.
beyond demographics, people have different personal ideas about locus of control. not everything is nobody's fault, like the weather, or beyond your personal ability to influence, like the weather. thinking of everything that way, indiscriminately, can be very bad for you. even some things that are out of your control are still worth being angry about, if they are in other people's control. maybe even the people you are married to.
in simple terms, some people can stand still and announce that their bags are too heavy, and three strangers will spring forward and offer to carry them. other people can burst into tears and fall down on the ground and nobody will even stop to stare, just keep walking past and over them. people learn which group they're in and form a set of practices to cope. if nobody offers to help when you complain about your discomfort, why complain? that's not rational.
but it's a very different and unnatural thing to live with those assumptions when you aren't compelled by unfair circumstance or conditioned to it by long training. if sometimes when you put your trouble into words, someone willingly gives you help, why would you silence yourself? that's not rational.
I can't imagine I'm telling you anything you don't know. but your question is explicitly asked as if you don't know.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:16 PM on October 20, 2018 [14 favorites]
Have you considered that your wife might be a rebel? I use that term very specifically, as it is one of the four tendencies identified by Gretchen Rubin to gauge how people respond to inner and outer expectations. If she is indeed a rebel, then this is just her nature which is to not respond to either inner or outer expectations.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 7:54 PM on October 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by tafetta, darling! at 7:54 PM on October 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
If everyone accepted the uncomfortable status quo, we would never have inventions. No internet, no cars, no heaters.
posted by kinoeye at 5:00 PM on October 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by kinoeye at 5:00 PM on October 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
Wait a second... are the "things people got used to" things that you got used to in the past, or are they happening now?
Because if it's the latter, based on your post history you were planning to live in a co op in NYC and start a family, now you're in a completely different country and living in a basement? I'm confused.
posted by kingdead at 4:36 AM on October 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
Because if it's the latter, based on your post history you were planning to live in a co op in NYC and start a family, now you're in a completely different country and living in a basement? I'm confused.
posted by kingdead at 4:36 AM on October 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
I can speak to one of these, which is that I am always cold and I cannot get used to it. I mean, I'm accustomed to it, but it hurts and I hate it. My hands hurt, it's difficult to type, which I do constantly at work. It distracts me and makes me unhappy. I have a space heater, I have layers, I have hot beverages, I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, but physical pain/discomfort that should not exist, that could be remedied - why are public buildings always so cold?? - I refuse to bow to the idea that it's supposed to be this way and I'm hopping mad about it, frankly. It's really hard not to complain when you're miserable for no reason all the time.
posted by Occula at 9:30 AM on October 22, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by Occula at 9:30 AM on October 22, 2018 [6 favorites]
Are you still in NYC? If so I think your wife is trying to tell you that yous need to work on attaining some of the "little things" she wants in her life because in NYC you cal cool or heat your space to a comfortable temperature, wait a few mins for a less crowded train, and have access to a variety of foods, so to deny yourself of them because they are not the easiest, cheapest, or fastest option seems miserly. I think your wife thinks you are basically annoyingly cheapskate.
posted by WeekendJen at 6:35 PM on October 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by WeekendJen at 6:35 PM on October 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by zoetrope at 8:59 PM on October 19, 2018 [48 favorites]