How to prepare for a custody evaluation?

July 4, 2018 12:52 PM

In the midst of an increasingly contentious divorce, and we're about to start the process of custody evaluation with an LCSW. I'm wondering how I should prepare for this, and any other advice for best navigating the process.

Long story short: live in Oregon, married 10 years, 2 kids age 5 & 9, clashed over parenting styles more than anything. At the advice of couples/parenting counselor, I (dad) moved out last Sept into a 1-bedroom apartment, wife and kids staying in our (big, nice, new) house.

I've had them every other weekend since, not always easy in 500 sq feet, but good overall, with some brief mid-week visits. But it's always been a head-butting battle just to get that: hoops to jump through, gatekeeping, etc. Also, she introduced a new partner to the kids within 6 months of my moving out. Hence the many AskMe questions, and the lawyers, and the professional evaluation.

I want more time with them, eventually 50/50, but am somewhat limited by my living situation (equity is tied up in the house until we sell it, another battle in itself). Right now I want 35% time at least, which is best for kids according to current research and common sense. I'm moving into a 2-bedroom duplex soon, which should help.

Anyhoo, it feels like I'm about to undergo the most important exam of my life. How can I prepare, and what's the best way to approach it?

posted by gottabefunky to Human Relations (7 answers total)

It's been a few years since my last custody study. And it was in a different state. YMMV. IME, They're no big deal. It's important to be honest, and really outside of pretty severe abuse or something, they are unlikely to come into play in any substantial way. Especially if you and mom can come to an agreement. They exist mostly so that the judge and GAL and such have a standardized way to look at the households and try to devise a plan when the parents cannot.

Honestly, any agreement you and your ex can come to will be vastly superior to anything the courts will hand down. I know that's not always possible (oh boy, do I) but your goal throughout this should be to always be the better human being and work as much as you can with mom.

And look - she can do this thing, or do that thing. It doesn't much matter. You're always going to be Dad*. And as much as it will suck to not have this moment or that moment - kids in the military, or whatever, grow up to know and love their part-time parents just fine. Just be all the dad you can be, all the time. They'll get it. Kids aint dumb.

Just always Be The Better Human. Your children are entitled to have their relationship with the other parent, and not your relationship with the other parent. Try to encourage that, and work to keep them out of whatever fights may arise.

You can me-mail me if you want/need to talk. Keep your chin up and stay positive.

* say this over and over until you believe it. "You are one with the dad, the dad is with you"
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 1:31 PM on July 4, 2018

Relevant details needed - so much of this depends on your jurisdiction that internet comments can only help so much. Remember that children's residential and financial support is treated almost entirely separately from your divorce proceedings and that you need not wait for the divorce to be finalized to work through your parenting plan and financial agreements regarding the children and in fact getting those done earlier means that you're not getting into patterns.

- Do you have an attorney? You need one for all of this.
- Do you have a parenting plan already in place, even if you haven't filed for divorce yet? What's in that? The hoops that you're jumping through will be lessened if you have a legal document that makes clear your access to the kids. Parenting plans are written with the worst case scenario in mind and they are explicit - like Thanksgiving day means 7:23am - 8:24 pm on the Thursday of Thanksgiving level explicit. Like "a wound greater than a mosquito bite requires a call to the other parent" explicit.
- Maybe consider working with a parenting plan consultant? Maybe people find them helpful to navigate this stuff.
- What's the assumption/starting point for residential time in your state and county? In Washington state, it is presumed that parents get equal residential time. (I tried to google around for this, but couldn't find any simple statement about the norms.) Here's your state's calculator though.
- What's the assumption for financial support for the children in your state? Here's your state's calculator though.
- How far apart do you all live? Can you both reasonably get the kids to school and/or daycare? What other than distance would prevent you from having 50/50 residential time? Other than the bedroom situation, what's holding you back?
- The co-parents handbook is a good resource.
- Everything that I've read and heard indicates that the current logic is 2-2-3 is the norm for elementary aged children where parents have equal residential time.

The best thing that you can do before this evaluation is to know your rights (not men's rights, but like, the law in your jurisdiction). A family lawyer in your jurisdiction is best equipped to help you with this. Looks like there are a ton of state and local resources too.

But more broadly, remember that:
- You have zero control over what happens at the other house unless it is outright abuse. You cannot likely prevent your ex from introducing your kids to a new partner. Some people write rules about this into their parenting plans (the book linked above has a whole section on this), but conventional wisdom is that these become difficult to enforce and problematic. The sooner you can let go of the idea that you have control over the other house, the better.
- Be careful what you put in your parenting plan and the long term. For example, some people put in something about "each parent gets to take the kids trick-or-treating on Halloween" and that's cool when they're 4. But when they are 13 the kid doesn't want to do that. But it is in your parenting plan and so technically you're supposed to adhere to it. Better to not get too specific. Also keep your eye on the future - we put in something about we will discuss the appropriateness of elementary aged kid getting a cell phone one day, discussions about kid sleeping over at friends' houses, etc.
- Think about your goals when communicating with your ex. Be clear in your needs and always refer back to the parenting plan. If your parenting plan clearly states that you have the kids on Thanksgiving from a particular time to a particular time, you can always stick to that to back you up.
- Do not communicate with your ex outside of essential kid organization and logistics. Be very plain in your requests and needs and do them via email or text or whatever works for you. "Maddy needs new soccer cleats. I can take her to get them. I looked online and they're about $25. Are you okay with that? I'm responsible for X% and your responsible for Y% based on our incomes. I'll put it in the list for you to reimburse me at the end of the month."
- Lots of people find that having a shared calendar to keep track of kid stuff - residential time as well as doctor's appointments, sports practices, etc. is a good way to indirectly communicate.
- Note that 50/50 residential time is SERIOUS. That means that despite how it "used to be," you'll be responsible for all the kid stuff on those days. You are essentially a single parent on your days. You take the kids to the dentist if it falls on your day. If kid is sick, you stay home with them. You fill out the field trip form. This is an adjustment for a lot of people - both those that are used to doing this stuff and those that are not.
posted by k8t at 1:36 PM on July 4, 2018

Pogo_fuzzybutt and k8t are spot on. I also do research into family courts (the other part of my job). This is the worst experience of your life--it's just the job for everyone else and they are looking for significant problems, not trying to dig up dirt against one side or the other.

So, relax and be honest. Listen to your lawyer's advice about likely outcomes. Be very clear about what relationship you have with your children and what you need/want to maintain it. Know what input you want into the decisions (extracurriculars, religion, caregivers when neither of you is available). Be calm, be focused on your children and keep conversation away from your ex-wife and her life, except where it connects with your access to, and relationship with, your kids.

If you have already worked on strategies for coping with clashing parenting styles when you have separate households, great! Try not to be defensive (she's got our big house! i have a terrible studio!) while you're being realistic about the burdens on your parenting right now, focus on how you're addressing the burdens. Don't look at it as I offer X and She offers Y. Look at it as "I have this relationship with my children and this is how I'm maintaining it during upheaval, this is what I need to maintain and grow it going forward."

Know your rights. Listen to your lawyer. Stay calm and focused on meeting the needs of your kids and maintaining a good relationship with them during an awful time for everyone, so that you can stay an active, involved parent for the rest of their lives.

It's possible the interview will make you feel shitty. There's something about the process and something about how we're socialized to view social workers that can make this feel judgmental and gross. Put that as far from your head as possible until it's over--then meet up with a good friend to decompress. Accept that you may be expected to take parenting classes or something else that feels really insulting but is just a one size fits all solution to the court's need to protect children above all else.
posted by crush at 1:41 PM on July 4, 2018

I might also add, if you are aiming for 50/50 residential time, I would suspect that having a firm informed and realistic idea and plan of how that will work may make you look better.

For example, knowing and saying things like "If I were to have the kids on Wednesday and Thursdays and alternating Fridays, they can be enrolled in their school's aftercare program - that's a cost of $160 a month, and I checked in and it isn't too late to enroll them - and I can pick them up any time before 6:30pm, which is absolutely doable with my work schedule. The kids' school begins at 8:20am on those days, and I won't need before school care because I can be at work by 9:30am without any issues." "I know that in the fall, Maddy will be enrolled in soccer and we don't yet know what days of the week the practice will be, but if it is on my days, I've already cleared with my boss that it won't be a big deal for me to leave work early on that day. Soccer runs from September 25 until November 4, but if they make it to the tournament, that will be 2 extra weekends."

Also, what is your plan for childcare during the school holidays, breaks, and in-services? This is a big deal. If there is an in-service on your day, can you take off work or is there a childcare solution you'd like to use? What about if a kid is sick?

These are REAL parenting things that *sometimes* non-primary parent isn't clued into but once you're doing more residential time you should be. I suspect that a residential plan evaluation might care about this.
posted by k8t at 1:52 PM on July 4, 2018

A therapist who went on to start an organization that advocates for children in divorce did custody evals. She told me that she had learned to be very wary of the noisiest parent.

For the sake of your kids, no trash-talking their Mom, no matter how crappy she gets, until they are adult, or close to it. Be supportive of them having a healthy, respectful relationship with their Mom, because that's what kind of people you want them to be. Be a parent with structure, discipline and rules, because kids of divorce often feel adrift. Not mean, but structure is a huge help in the chaos of the split.

Get books on co-parenting and helping kids through divorce. Read them. Educate yourself on child development.

I swear I zipped my mouth for many years, but my son really felt pulled apart. His Dad ended up sabotaging me at every possible turn, trash-talking me. still does. It causes horrible conflict for my son. I feel bad for him, and pissed that our relationship is affected by this, but I am confident I did everything I could to co-parent. The kids pay the highest price, and in the long run, most of the time, they can tell which parent put them 1st. I feel bad for the kids where neither parent did that.

Keep telling them it's not their fault until well after you feel like a broken record. Ask them how they feel and what they think; they'll tell you, at least some of the time.

Most people who do this work can see what's going on.
posted by theora55 at 2:05 PM on July 4, 2018

You have my deepest sympathies--having been there, this is tough stuff. Try to keep this as kid-focused as possible. This isn't about your marriage, your ex, or even you. It's about the kids, so you want to appear open to visitation hours and getting kids here and there and being as involved as you can, under all circumstances.

Also, remember that no matter how it all plays out, none of it is a personal reflection on you and custody arrangements can always be changed. It may not be ideal at first and that's okay. Just keep working toward making it as good as you can for the kids.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 2:41 AM on July 5, 2018

Have you taken the required Parent Education Class yet? There was a lot of griping by some people in the class when I took it but I thought it super helpful and informative even though my ex and I already agreed on 50/50 parenting time.
posted by vespabelle at 10:48 PM on July 5, 2018