How many Easter bonnet jokes can a person make?

February 8, 2006 10:46 AM

Attention MeFi smart asses! Here's your chance to make justifiable wisecracks on AskMe. I need an Easter-themed witticism.

Every year I host my family's Easter luncheon. I'm starting to design the invitations now. In the past along with the requisite info concerning time and place, I have included some little semi-humourous tag line. Examples of past lines have been "For your egg-hunting convenience, the Easter chocolate will be placed in plain sight", and "The last person to arrive is elected to wear the bunny suit". But this is my fifth year of hosting the Easter luncheon and the well is running dry. I can't think of anything new for this year's invitations. So, help me out. Try to keep it short, i.e., under 15 words or so. Sacreligious and/or risqué won't fly with my family (though if it's truly inspired I'll enjoy it, so throw it in just for the hell of it, and perhaps I can spin something off it).

Full disclosure: This was posted to MetaChat, but I didn't get anything useable, so I'm trying again here where there's a larger peanut gallery.

posted by orange swan to grab bag (60 comments total)

Keep your pants on, Jesus is coming.
posted by jon_kill at 10:57 AM on February 8, 2006

In the event that, after a diligent search, easter egg hunt participants are unable to find hidden eggs, a crack team of empiricists will be on hand to present their conclusion that the eggs, therefore, do not exist.
posted by JekPorkins at 10:59 AM on February 8, 2006

“Easter ham + chocolate eggs = CRAZY DELICIOUS”

Eh. That might require too much explanation for the older relatives. I got nothing.

Sort of off topic; this question reminds me of this Bill Hicks bit:

I was over in Australia during Easter, which was interesting...it's interesting to note they celebrate Easter the same way we do...commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus...by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit... left chocolate eggs in the night. Now...I wonder why we're fucked up as a race...anybody, anybody got any clues out there? Where do they get this shit from? Why those two things, y'know? Why not "A goldfish left Lincoln Logs in your sock drawer," Y'know? As long as we're making shit up, go hog-wild, y'know? At least a goldfish with a lincoln log on its back going across your floor to your sock drawer has a miraculous connotation to it.

"Mummy, I woke up today and there I saw a lincoln log in me sock drawer!"

"That's the story of Jesus..."

Who comes up with this shit? I've read the Bible I can't find the word "bunny" or "chocolate" anywhere in that fuckin' thing! Do Y'all have different books of the Bible than I do? Are Y'all Gideons?!"
posted by weirdoactor at 11:00 AM on February 8, 2006

Today's the day that Jesus rose, so live it up with liquor and Ho's.
posted by cosmicbandito at 11:01 AM on February 8, 2006

"Come for the egg hunt, stay for the witch hunt!"

"Apres-luncheon entertainment: Jesus/Easter Bunny cage match"

"Get eggs or get lost!"

"Parents seen assisting their children in the egg hunt will be shot"

(boy I must be in a foul mood right now)
posted by chuma at 11:03 AM on February 8, 2006

Parade optional.

Featuring eggs with modern, unbreakable carbon-fiber shells!

Hare we go again...

Partly bunny with an easter-ly breeze.

Please stay off the plastic grass.
posted by nekton at 11:06 AM on February 8, 2006

I was over in Australia during Easter, which was interesting...it's interesting to note they celebrate Easter the same way we do...commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus...by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit... left chocolate eggs in the night. Now...I wonder why we're fucked up as a race...anybody, anybody got any clues out there?

Because all the pagans were having spring fertility rituals, and we can't have that. Easter was imposed over the fertility celebration (hence bunnies and eggs), just like Christmas was imposed over winter solstice celebrations. Ta da!
posted by lunalaguna at 11:07 AM on February 8, 2006

Are you looking for "cheerfully blasphemous" or "fun for the whole family"?
posted by Johnny Assay at 11:12 AM on February 8, 2006

Easter derail rerail
posted by blue_beetle at 11:14 AM on February 8, 2006

This year, we're referring to the egg hunt as "stem cell research."
posted by tew at 11:15 AM on February 8, 2006

why not just "cheerfully blasphemous fun for the whole family"?
posted by catfood at 11:16 AM on February 8, 2006

More family-oriented...

"Don't forget your coupon for a free egg waxing! (See reverse)" (leave reverse blank)
posted by chuma at 11:16 AM on February 8, 2006

"Hare brained, potty trained - it's Easter lunch time again!"
posted by AwkwardPause at 11:19 AM on February 8, 2006

Easter: the one day of the year you get to eat things you found on the floor!
posted by JMOZ at 11:20 AM on February 8, 2006

Easter: The holiday that just makes sense.

Let us celebrate the historic day on which Jesus came back to earth dressed as a bunny rabbit and hid multicolored eggs!
posted by twiggy at 11:31 AM on February 8, 2006

In the immortal words of Lyle Lovett: To the Lord, let praises be. It's time for dinner now, let's go EAT!
posted by spock at 11:33 AM on February 8, 2006

Like most other Christian religious holidays — brought to you by PAGANS !
posted by spock at 11:35 AM on February 8, 2006

Fuck Easter and the cross it rode in on
posted by Thorzdad at 11:35 AM on February 8, 2006

Political Subversive Meets Bloody End in Bizarre Carpentry Incident.
posted by Grangousier at 11:35 AM on February 8, 2006

All the best ham(s) will be here.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:40 AM on February 8, 2006

If alcohol is to be served: Hooray! It's Swill a Beer for Christ Day!
posted by Chrischris at 11:46 AM on February 8, 2006

Easter? Damn near killed 'er!
posted by joshuaconner at 11:50 AM on February 8, 2006

One of my faves from the old National Lampoon...
"What do you expect from a god who would crucify his own son?"
posted by Thorzdad at 11:50 AM on February 8, 2006

These would all make great MeFi taglines.
posted by joshuaconner at 11:52 AM on February 8, 2006

Celebrate the New Covenant with some delicious ham!
posted by Johnny Assay at 11:55 AM on February 8, 2006

Everybody bunny is invited!


Some play on the words egg-citing, egg-stravaganza, eggs-traordinary?
posted by KathyK at 12:04 PM on February 8, 2006

Come celebrate basket cases, ham bones, and bad dye jobs. And it's Easter, too!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:07 PM on February 8, 2006

This year we are proud to be 100% free of deviled eggs.
posted by chuma at 12:07 PM on February 8, 2006

I think the comedian Tom McTigue said it best.

"Easter. When we celebrate the resurrection of the son of God by looking for hidden, painted eggs. This, of course, is from the scene in the Bible where the Apostles rolled back the rock, saw that the Savior's body was missing, and someone said, 'Did you look under the couch?'"
posted by frogan at 12:11 PM on February 8, 2006

This year, we'll be leaving the hip-hop to the Easter Bunny.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:11 PM on February 8, 2006

Hoo boy, would that devilled egg thing NOT go over well. Devilled eggs are a staple at every family reunion. Seriously, if I didn't serve them, I'd hear a LOT of griping.
posted by orange swan at 12:13 PM on February 8, 2006

"Hop to it."

"You're nobunny until somebunny passes the ham."

"If you want chocolate, please leave the lucky rabbit's foot at home."

"Rabbit stew will not be served."

"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled bunnies, yearning to eat chocolate."

"Admission: one horrible bunny pun."
posted by frykitty at 12:15 PM on February 8, 2006

Maybe play off that, then, orange swan? Include a picture of a devilled egg and say something like, "A heavenly meal (with just a dash of the devil)."
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:18 PM on February 8, 2006

Enjoyed our deviled eggs...Now with 30% less Satan!
posted by Otis at 12:19 PM on February 8, 2006

"Enjoy" duh.
posted by Otis at 12:20 PM on February 8, 2006

"You'll never guess what I put in the deviled eggs..."
posted by Ogre Lawless at 12:20 PM on February 8, 2006

That's even better, Otis. But it would probably be best to go all the way with it:

Enjoy our devilled eggs... Now 100% Satan free!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:20 PM on February 8, 2006

orange swan, that's just going to encourage us

Deviled eggs: friend or foe? You decide!

Deviled eggs may be replaced with Jesused eggs on request.
posted by chuma at 12:28 PM on February 8, 2006

Don't be afraid to ask for seconds of the delicious Cruci-fixins
posted by Robot Johnny at 12:30 PM on February 8, 2006

"Come share your frank opinions about the potato salad"
posted by logicpunk at 12:35 PM on February 8, 2006

...anybody got any clues out there? Where do they get this shit from?

weirdoactor, the bunnies and eggs seem random and but they are just saccharine metaphors for spring and rebirth (ie: the resurrection). Not saying they aren't ridiculous, but they're not complete non sequiturs.

That, and all good holidays need chocolate.
posted by Robot Johnny at 12:37 PM on February 8, 2006

Easter? I've never even met her!
posted by pdb at 12:37 PM on February 8, 2006

Under a picture of a baby chick you could put the caption:

"No fat chicks."
posted by Pollomacho at 12:45 PM on February 8, 2006

I really like the eating things off the ground idea above.

Stop on by and eat things you find on the ground

We'll hide the food, you hide the X

Come look for eggs and chocolate, just not in the bottom of my sock drawer or under the mattress please.

Brought to you by the boiled egg council of america

because somewhere, a chicken is pissed.

Why must we have an excuse to stuff food into our furniture?

Easter: a completely acceptable thinly-veiled pagan holiday.

/got nothing.
posted by craniac at 1:05 PM on February 8, 2006

Robin Williams:
"For me, the one big question is: how do you get Crucifixion, Resurrection...and then chocolate bunnies, colored eggs?
How do you do that one?
Even the little kids are going: "Bunnies don't lay eggs. What is this?"
And you don't want a kid biting the head off a chocolate Jesus.
You don't want a cream filled cross going...
You don't wanna put raspberry jam in the grass going:
"We're looking for Jesus, kids, come on!"
—Robin Williams Live On Broadway
posted by disillusioned at 1:14 PM on February 8, 2006

The perfect caption to the old empty tomb picture?
posted by found missing at 1:19 PM on February 8, 2006

Works for crucifixion scenes too.
posted by found missing at 1:19 PM on February 8, 2006

How about: Easter 2006 - Get Yer Bonnet in a Twist
posted by spicynuts at 1:25 PM on February 8, 2006

Should brand new ideas not be a requirement, there are various mildly semi-amusing family-friendly Easter one-liners floating around out there. This list, for example, contains several lines at least as funny as the original examples (that's not a value judgement, I'm just saying...). If you want short silly Easter riddles, here are a few (except the first one isn't family-friendly).
posted by mdevore at 1:57 PM on February 8, 2006

Move yer kiester; It's time for Easter!
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 1:58 PM on February 8, 2006

Eh,...

"Come to the luncheon and no one gets crucified."

"I'm sorry if you had to sit next crazy Uncle Carl last year, but we all have our crosses to bear."

...which makes me think of this next one...

Steal or create and image such as this one.
Your them shall be "Gladly the Cross-Eyed Bear".

Just make sure you spell "gladly" correctly.
posted by organguy at 2:12 PM on February 8, 2006

"This year's Easter celebration is sponsored by the Conservative Party of Canada."

Just wish I could figure out a way to work lowering the age of consent or ignoring Ontario now in to that...
posted by QIbHom at 2:59 PM on February 8, 2006

Remember folks: Only eat the eggs that the bunny left covered in foil!
posted by Radio7 at 3:57 PM on February 8, 2006

(With a picture of Bowie in his Ziggy Stardust phase)

Wham, Bam, thank you, Lamb!
posted by Chrischris at 4:16 PM on February 8, 2006

Egg Donors Wanted.
posted by Frank Grimes at 4:18 PM on February 8, 2006

Frrom an Easter card my sister made when she was quite young:

Hell! It's Eater!!!

We still use it as a family greeting.
posted by vers at 4:34 PM on February 8, 2006

"This year's Easter celebration is sponsored by the Conservative Party of Canada."

This is way too close to home to be funny. I think I might be one of the few in my family who didn't vote Conservative [weeps].

I have thought of something:

I regret to inform you that due to 2006 budget constraints the Easter Bunny can only deliver treats to one household within our family: mine. Show up or go without.
posted by orange swan at 4:36 PM on February 8, 2006

Sorry, orange swan. It is difficult to recalibrate one's sense of humour after the election.

I guess that means jokes about crossing the aisle for treats are right out, too.
posted by QIbHom at 5:17 PM on February 8, 2006

"Witty but sacreligious comment omitted so you don't burn down my embassy"
posted by krisjohn at 9:22 PM on February 8, 2006

I, er, ended up going up with a modified version of the one I came up with myself:

The Easter Bunny regrets to inform you that
due to 2006 budget constraints he will only deliver goodies to one household within the family: mine.

This is therefore your only chance to get treats.

But thanks, everyone, for your contributions. I'll probably revisit this thread when I'm trying to come up with future taglines and use some of your ideas then.
posted by orange swan at 7:36 AM on February 10, 2006