Anger after the break-up of a toxic relationship
May 28, 2018 10:00 PM Subscribe
A few days ago I finally broke it off with a guy that I was casually dating and then officially dating, on and off, for a total of about 3 years. This now counts as my second truly toxic relationship that I let go on for way too long. I am struggling to deal with my shame and anger at myself in this situation – why did I stay in a situation where I was so unfulfilled and treated like crap for so long? Please help me process the boiling anger I feel right now. Details inside.
Throughout, it was very casual and mostly physical. I was in a bad place when I met him – very lonely and pretty depressed, also very low self esteem. All kinds of red flags were there waving in my face from the very beginning and I saw them and just ignored them. He acted like this immature boy (he was 25 and I was 28 when we met) and I never really saw long term possibilities with him. There were no deep connections that ever formed between us even after all this time. I always felt like he had a wall up – and I never felt any emotional support or fulfilment with him. But there was this sexual chemistry that made me unable to stay away. He treated me poorly and acted disrespectfully towards me for (almost) the entire time we went out. The first 2 years he wouldn’t commit to me – either toying around with me and seeing other people, completely unavailable emotionally and physically and then coming back into the picture, making me feel bad about myself the entire time because for some reason I just let him treat me that way and kept letting him come back. I would break it off several times and never felt strong enough to stay away – he’d text me and I was lonely and depressed and missed the sex, and then we were right back. This kept setting me back. I am so furious with myself that for some reason, I wasn’t strong enough to stay away. Then finally he “gave in” to a relationship with me, (way to make a girl feel special) and I just passively let it happen even while knowing in the back of my mind that it was going to crash and burn.
We “tried” a relationship for a few months and lo and behold, crash and burn.
It wasn’t completely horrible – I mean we had a shallow level friendship and a handful of fun times together – but when I look at the big picture, the bad definitely outweighed the good. What makes this all worse is that after all these years, I can’t find a single reason that the experience was worth it. It just seems like a complete waste. The only thing that gives me comfort is that during the period of time that we were casual, I was consistently dating other people – so I wasn’t completely wasting time, I guess.
I’m just pissed at myself and ashamed that I let this completely unfulfilling, toxic, emotionally abusive relationship go on for so much longer than it should have – especially after I had already wasted time in a different toxic relationship years earlier. I am angry at myself that I never learned from the older relationship. I am angry that he had the chance to treat me the way he did and not take responsibility for it. I am angry that he presented himself to my family as this genuinely nice guy (and they all liked him) while full well knowing that he was a dick to me.
I know I had many faults in this relationship too – I know I’m not really portraying that accurately. I kissed another guy after we officially started dating. I said mean things to him many times, because I tried to hurt him. I know I wasn’t the best I could have been to him – but I think I was so hurt by how he treated me that I didn’t want to be my best self for him.
I wasted 3 years with this person while I was in the prime period of my life and should have been building a life and family with a long term partner. I feel frustrated that at 31 I have to rush to find someone before the window for having kids disappears completely. He gets to go off and be a playboy for however much longer he wants. It’s just not fair.
Throughout, it was very casual and mostly physical. I was in a bad place when I met him – very lonely and pretty depressed, also very low self esteem. All kinds of red flags were there waving in my face from the very beginning and I saw them and just ignored them. He acted like this immature boy (he was 25 and I was 28 when we met) and I never really saw long term possibilities with him. There were no deep connections that ever formed between us even after all this time. I always felt like he had a wall up – and I never felt any emotional support or fulfilment with him. But there was this sexual chemistry that made me unable to stay away. He treated me poorly and acted disrespectfully towards me for (almost) the entire time we went out. The first 2 years he wouldn’t commit to me – either toying around with me and seeing other people, completely unavailable emotionally and physically and then coming back into the picture, making me feel bad about myself the entire time because for some reason I just let him treat me that way and kept letting him come back. I would break it off several times and never felt strong enough to stay away – he’d text me and I was lonely and depressed and missed the sex, and then we were right back. This kept setting me back. I am so furious with myself that for some reason, I wasn’t strong enough to stay away. Then finally he “gave in” to a relationship with me, (way to make a girl feel special) and I just passively let it happen even while knowing in the back of my mind that it was going to crash and burn.
We “tried” a relationship for a few months and lo and behold, crash and burn.
It wasn’t completely horrible – I mean we had a shallow level friendship and a handful of fun times together – but when I look at the big picture, the bad definitely outweighed the good. What makes this all worse is that after all these years, I can’t find a single reason that the experience was worth it. It just seems like a complete waste. The only thing that gives me comfort is that during the period of time that we were casual, I was consistently dating other people – so I wasn’t completely wasting time, I guess.
I’m just pissed at myself and ashamed that I let this completely unfulfilling, toxic, emotionally abusive relationship go on for so much longer than it should have – especially after I had already wasted time in a different toxic relationship years earlier. I am angry at myself that I never learned from the older relationship. I am angry that he had the chance to treat me the way he did and not take responsibility for it. I am angry that he presented himself to my family as this genuinely nice guy (and they all liked him) while full well knowing that he was a dick to me.
I know I had many faults in this relationship too – I know I’m not really portraying that accurately. I kissed another guy after we officially started dating. I said mean things to him many times, because I tried to hurt him. I know I wasn’t the best I could have been to him – but I think I was so hurt by how he treated me that I didn’t want to be my best self for him.
I wasted 3 years with this person while I was in the prime period of my life and should have been building a life and family with a long term partner. I feel frustrated that at 31 I have to rush to find someone before the window for having kids disappears completely. He gets to go off and be a playboy for however much longer he wants. It’s just not fair.
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