What to do with scheduled first-dates when you don't feel it anymore?

May 12, 2018 4:05 PM

I've been 'swipe dating' for a bit, and I've met someone with whom I'm a bit smitten. We've been on two dates over the past month (busy professional schedules), with a third scheduled soon. I feel amazing rapport, we flirt by text almost daily. We've not been undressed or intimate with each other. This is to say, it's 'early days.' Like way too soon to consider exclusivity, per se. And yet, I don't want to date other people.

I've set up few more first dates -- with people that honestly look pretty amazing. (FWIW, I'm dating off 'The League' app, where the signal to noise seems much better than, say, Tinder). I've been pretty active with dating -- perhaps 10 first dates this calendar year. But my heart is not really into 'seeing anyone else' right now. Yet my mind feels like this is 'bad practice' -- somehow putting all my eggs into one basket too quickly. This may be because of a history of jumping from serious relationship to serious relationship without much time to 'catch my breath' in between. I mean, mentally, I'm at a stage where I know I need to be 'single' and/or 'casually dating' for a while. It's my intention to stay single/casual until at least October. And I think that the discipline of keeping the dates that I've set will help with that intention. And yet, my heart is not in it. Should I keep the dates or cancel?

posted by Doc_Sock to Human Relations (8 answers total)

In general, if you're feeling smitten with someone I would not continue to go on dates. Be upfront with the people that you've already scheduled with and leave the door open for contacting them in the future if you become un-smitten.

If you are committed to not being in a serious relationship until a certain date, I would refrain from dating at all until that date. I don't think you have the mindspace to be "casual" right now and it seems like you're setting yourself up to fail by falling hard for somebody.
posted by permiechickie at 4:09 PM on May 12, 2018

I think this time frame for exclusivity is a strange cultural myth. You become exclusive when you desire to (if monogamy is your thing). If you want to go on more dates, go on them because you want to, not because you think there is some nebulous wait time for choosing to date one person exclusively.

Just be honest with yourself and the people you've scheduled dates with. "I've met someone I want to see exclusively. I'm sorry if I've wasted your time." If they're mature, they'll understand and appreciate the honesty. If they are free in the future then maybe they'll be open to dating again. But some may not want to be a "back-up" plan and ignore you if you contact them again. This could happen either way, or they may not like you after a first date, who knows. I believe kindness is giving people enough information about what you're thinking and feeling to make an informed decision that will meet their own needs. It's better than wasting their time going on a date when you're heart isn't into it.

Alternatively, just say something came up. It's a first date, no harm, no foul. There is nothing wrong with taking yourself off of the market to focus on one person. Given that you've been on over ten dates this year, I'm guessing there isn't a dearth of single people in your city who at least want to give you a first chance, so you probably won't have a problem picking up where you left off if things don't work out with your current flame.
posted by Young Kullervo at 4:40 PM on May 12, 2018

You don't sound like you're in a place where "casual" dating is going to work for you—what you want is a serious relationship, you just don't think you're ready for it. In my experience though, when you fall for someone that's kind of it, and whatever plans you supposedly had go out the window. So if I were you I'd go ahead and cancel those scheduled first dates (politely, of course) and play out the story with this person you really like for as far as it'll go, while being as careful and responsible and low-pressure as you can possibly manage.

Don't get your heart set on marrying this person or anything, but keep an eye on the long game and behave in such a way that if this develops into a long term relationship, you can look back and feel good about your actions at this stage. Don't put pressure on yourself or your new paramour to make anything happen—that would probably backfire anyway—but do let them know that you feel really good about them and are glad to have met them and would like to continue dating.

If you're not interested in seeing anyone else as long as you're seeing this other person, that's fine. It's not a binding agreement of exclusivity to make a personal decision to stop meeting other people. In fact, don't even bring it up to your new potential SO. You're not asking your date to do the same, and you're leaving open the possibility of meeting more people again if you change your mind. You're just not doing it right now, because you don't feel like it. It doesn't have to be more than that.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 4:45 PM on May 12, 2018

I think you should go ahead with the scheduled dates - it’s still very early days with the guy you’re into, and it’s a pattern you’ve already mentioned of committing earlier than the connection is earned.

I’ve also started swipe dating in Feb this year, and met a couple of guys (at the same time incidentally) i really liked. I was crushing sooooo hard on guy #2 (had only been on 3 dates) and wanted to choose between the two guys, and also stop going on first dates. Long story short with guy #2 it went dead in the water because of a bunch of things like intimacy issues (he would ghost for a couple of weeks at a time...), emotional labor mismatch (coming up with date ideas, etc), etc etc!

So - I think dating others until you both want to be exclusive is important to follow through on. I was surprised by how many first dates I ended up enjoying, and confusingly how I could be super attracted to different people at the same time. It’s nice when that happens actually because you can compare what you’re drawn to and see the different needs that are being met and which ones are most important to you.

Sleeping with multiple people is a whole other... boundaries with self and others and circumstance and trust thing to navigate.... oy.

Yeah but I would say keep dating around, try to focus on the person you’re with and give it a chance. If it’s truly amazing fit with the first guy (or others) past the initial excitement, don’t worry you’ll lock each other down soon enough haha. :)
posted by pengwings at 4:50 PM on May 12, 2018

A first date is just that: there's no expectation of a second from the get-go, especially if you connected online and have never met in person before. If you are a person who tends to go from serious relationship to serious relationship, I'd see this as a low-key way to try something new. Go on those dates with an open mind and low expectations: you never know how it'll go and, honestly, most dates are simply not a match even if there isn't someone else you're smitten with. If I were in your shoes, I can imagine feeling similarly. In fact, I've been in your shoes before and, looking back, I really wish I had gone on those other dates! If I were one of the people you have these upcoming dates with, I wouldn't mind either to be honest. You don't know what situation they're in either and things are so early with the other person that you're not breaking any code of dating ethics. If you really aren't feeling those other dates, then you can cancel, but I see no harm in going and seeing how it is. Keep it short and sweet, like meeting for coffee. And if they make you like the current person even more, then that's a positive, too.
posted by smorgasbord at 5:18 PM on May 12, 2018

I agree with pengwings- keep your options open. Now I may be a bit cynical having very recently been into someone in the early stages, thought things were going well, and being abruptly dumped after a very short time- but the point is, people are unpredictable, especially at such an early stage, especially in dating, and especially in online dating.
So I wouldn't recommend going "all in" at an early stage. First online dates aren't really dates anyway, but sessions where you are getting to know someone.
posted by bearette at 6:15 PM on May 12, 2018

dating one person at a time until you make up your mind about him isn't premature "exclusivity," you aren't putting any eggs in anybody's basket! you don't have to be in love with a book to want to read it all the way to the end before you pick up another one. sure, it is generally acceptable to date a couple people at once just like it's acceptable to have ten tabs open in your browser all the time, but it is not and never has been obligatory or even necessarily a good idea. all it is is fine if you feel like it. if you don't feel like it, don't do it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:18 PM on May 12, 2018

I want to add that just two dates in a month sounds pretty low to me, especially since you say you are smitten. If you live in different places, I certainly can understand but if you're in the same town, then you can meet up for a short walk or quick meal together. I may be totally off but I am getting the impression that this guy might be less into you than you are into him and/or playing it cool and keeping his distance (which is also tricky.) I would definitely see these other people because, unfortunately, I'm thinking that things with the first dude may not progress as you like or at the speed you like. I hope they do but, from the third date on, I'd make sure your energy and emotions are truly being reciprocated.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:40 PM on May 12, 2018