You'll hang with the right cohorts, you'll be good at sports
April 27, 2018 8:35 PM   Subscribe

I have never been good at sports, and I want to figure out why, plus if there is any way to become better.

Ever since I was a kid, I was bad at sports. Even when I was young and wild and thin and racing through the neighborhood on bikes or roller blades with my younger brother, I was always the last person in class to finish a race, the one who jumped the smallest distance, the one who couldn't catch a ball etc.
In third grade, I was in a volleyball club and they wouldn't let me play ever because I just never became good. Throughout my entire school career, I was always either riciduled or yelled at for being terrible at every sport we did, from track and field to gymnastics to ball games to freaking dancing.
In school, a lot of this was due to my being smaller and younger than everyone else (I skipped a grade), but now this shouldn't matter anymore!

I know my coordination isn't great, and I have massive problems imitating the trainer during exercise class, be it yoga or aerobics. Right now, I also weight too much due to an antidepressant I have since stopped, so my stomach or other fat is often in the way, plus my giant boobs that have always been giant. I also sprain my ankles quite easily.

I walk a lot and a two week trip where I have to do 10km on foot every day does not faze me. I also like to swim, although I am by no means a good swimmer. I used to run, but other than my boobs hurting after a while, and the ankle thing, I also never managed to get past the phase where I run out of air. Basically, I am always out of breath, even when my legs still feel fine. Like, I used to take the stairs to my previous apartment on the 9th floor (because of scary neighbors) and after a week or so, my legs were totally used to it, but even after half a year, I was always out of breath. (I'm not anemic, plus I'm a singer, and I don't get out of breath singing.)

People seem to think that I just want to suck at sports, that I'm lazy and stupid. It is true that I never found physical education very important in school - I was moving and a healthy weight, why did it matter whether I could jump 2 meters or 3? My classmates hated me anyway, so being good at dodgeball wouldn't have helped me either.
But these days, I want to go to yoga class and enjoy it, I want to go to aerobics with my friends and don't look like a complete idiot, and I want to shed that excess weight.
I know I'm not stupid and that my talents simply lie elsewhere, but it's easy to feel discouraged when I'm always the one person in every class who just cannot do sports, even in a beginner's class with other women who I know never exercise ever. They're still always better than me, and I want to know how!
posted by LoonyLovegood to Health & Fitness (17 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
"Being good at sports" is a frustrating thing that other people (not me) seem to just have, but it's definitely possible to become competent at a sport, and maybe you can make some general progress once you have that base built up.

It might help you out, both for confidence and coordination, to start out with a goal of just being good at something. Take golf lessons, or bowling lessons, or tennis lessons, or ask a friend who loves to play basketball or volleyball specifically to take you under their wing—I know a lot of people who would not be interested in teaching me to be Athletic, but would love nothing more than a chance to talk to me about their favorite sport and show me the basics. People love talking about their favorite things (and showing you how good they are at them, which is a fine payment in return).

Set small goals for yourself and commit to a small but regular amount of time on it, and don't be frustrated when you plateau for a while. When I started bowling I just wanted to look vaguely like I knew how to bowl.
posted by Polycarp at 8:44 PM on April 27, 2018 [2 favorites]


I think your negative self-image is the root of your dissatisfaction. You're operating under a cloud of someone else's opinions of you (your parents? junior high? an ex?). You may think they're *your* opinions but they came from somewhere. That's probably worth exploring.

Otherwise, here are a few things that worked for me:

- Join the YMCA. It's way less pretentious and stressful than any private gym you might join. When I joined the Y I had several free sessions with a personal trainer who taught me how to use all the weight machines. As a result I felt confident that I knew what I was doing which had always been an insecurity of mine. No one can judge me for what I do with the equipment because I *know* what I'm doing with the equipment as well as my own fitness plan.

- The Y is also a melting pot of people of all body types and cultures. It's a place to see the wide range of people who want to work out at every stage of their journey.

- Swimming is awesome. I hadn't had formal swimming lessons in ~30 years when I started swimming laps regularly. As I swam I focussed on my own body. Which movements did I need to make to streamline my actions? Which movements turned out to be the most efficient?

I still don't know quite how to do flip-turns but I've learned how to do my own awkward turn in the way that works best for me, whether my priority is speed or catching my breath.

I think the majority of yoga/aerobics/other instructors would never judge you on your skills or weight or anything. Every teacher at every gym is used to working with people at every level of coordination, skill, fitness, and whatever.

If analogies help you (or if you're worried that instructors are judging you or if you're a cynic) then read this:

An aerobics instructor who works for a gym or a studio is probably a "customer service" person as much as they're an instructor. There's no benefit to them to alienate or judge you. As long as they remain popular enough to keep their classes full then they keep their job and their income.

Take care. ❤️
posted by bendy at 9:08 PM on April 27, 2018


Response by poster: I just realised that I didn't make it clear that I'm 1) not in the US (currently in Japan, originally from Europe) and 2) that I'm not looking to become super great at sports or to have people admire me, but to get the most out of my time exercising, which I feel like I can't because I never manage to do the exercises correctly. I have a pretty high threshold for being ridiculed and generally don't give a fuck anymore, but it's just not enjoyable to take the time to exercise and then you can't do this and you can't do that etc.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 9:15 PM on April 27, 2018


Best answer: I had a very similar childhood. I think that this is a vicious cycle type problem, where the more people told you you were bad at this the more your brain believed what everyone was telling you. One thing that helped me was practicing at home to get my brain and body in sync with each other. Your brain has to re-learn telling your body what to do.
posted by bleep at 9:28 PM on April 27, 2018


Best answer: The being out of breath thing might be exercise induced asthma. I get it when I do a lot of activity but don't have problems with it otherwise. If you go to a doctor and tell them about your experiences they might be able to prescribe you an inhaler that you use before exercise.It definitely helps.
posted by starlybri at 9:49 PM on April 27, 2018 [12 favorites]


Best answer: I was really terrible at sports as a kid. In second grade, I had never throw anything before because I grew up in small apartments and was also not really inclined to set anything aloft, and when I tried to throw in gym class, the ball ended up on the ground about two yards in front of me. In third grade I took so long to run the mile that I got a C in gym, and my gym grade never really recovered until the P.E. teacher saw me playing piano.

I have been in countless swimming lessons through the years, and I never seem to get better at effecting forward motion with my body. I have good form in tennis, but can't get to the ball. My mother put me in recreational league basketball in 7th grade, and while everyone was so kind and supportive, I usually ran the wrong way or froze when I got the ball.

However, this all changed when we switched to high school gym, when we could decide what kind of fitness experience we wanted. 'A' gym was competitive ball sports, played by the rules, etc. 'B' gym was 'fun gym class sports' like scooter hockey and jai alai. And 'C' gym, my savior, was 'locomote yourself around the track for the duration of class'. I got bored of walking, so started running the duration of class.

With that bit of confidence / realization that there was a whole category of sports where you did not have to keep track of locations of teammates / flying objects, and all you had to do was repeat a motion, a lot of things have slowly opened up to me. Granted, I still cannot hit the ball in tennis (good thing you can score on the serve lolol) and I will probably never attempt a team-ball sport, but I can do 20 pushups and plank for 2 minutes.

So I don't have any huge advice on 'how to become good at all sports', but I have ideas on finding some sport that you can enjoy. Since you are also confident in your walking, maybe build on that? Can you racewalk, or try spinning (stationary biking)?

(also, the fact that you were smaller and less kinesthetically advanced than the other kids makes a huge difference, cf. Relative age effect -- kids who were older were more likely to have had the developmental progress to be seen as 'good at sports'; then teachers / coaches see that and help them; they get better; the cycle continues; suddenly pro soccer leagues have a disproportionate number of players born just after the age cut-off.)
posted by batter_my_heart at 9:52 PM on April 27, 2018 [8 favorites]


Hello fellow terrible-at-sportsing person! It sounds like activities that involve watching other people doing ‘better’ is triggering some negativity in you. Which is totally normal, though not very pleasant or helpful. I hated yoga until I started doing it by myself, following a book or video tutorials until I could remember the whole thing. Now I know a few simple routines and I’m just. . .as good as I am at yoga. I’m not watching super bendy 20-somethings get into and hold poses I probably will never do correctly, and it helps me focus on doing things correctly for *my body* and *my goals*. And my goal is is just to do some simple yoga, not to be able to put my whole top half on the ground during downward dog.

The other thing I’ve found really empowering is top-rope rock climbing. You have a partner to belay you, but the process of climbing is yours alone. You have to focus on the wall in front of you, so you couldn’t look at other people even if you were tempted to. The community at all the gyms I’ve been to that offer this are very supportive and encompass all levels and body-types. Plus each time I finish a climb I get that rewarding feeling of accomplishment that doesn’t happen for me through slogging along on a treadmill or whatever.

Both of these things together have given me a higher level of overall fitness, and a connection with my body that makes doing other physical things much easier. And as with all things, sucking at something is the first step to getting slightly better at it.
posted by ananci at 10:00 PM on April 27, 2018


I’m afraid I don’t have the answer, I wish I did, just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel. I grew up in sporty Australia and came last in everything I tried - swimming tennis badminton soccer netball athletics and running. I was so badly coordinated and teachers always seemed disappointed because I looked like I should be ok - tall, thin,flat chested etc but turned out utterly hopeless. As an adult I have tried various sports clubs, mostly tennis and yoga but have given up in disgust - I’m sick of people correcting me, telling me the theory (again) patronising me and pointing out that I’m not doing well. I would like to do something at my level but apparently nobody at my level does sports as an adult.

So maybe some home-yoga-DVDs or something else you can do at your own pace without being compared to others would be best. Good luck!
posted by EatMyHat at 10:14 PM on April 27, 2018


Stuff that requires coordinated movements is good to practise alone in ultra slow motion until your nerves catch up with what your brain wants your muscles to do.

Maybe try a beginner's restorative yoga class, or do a workout or dance from youtube at home. You can slow it to .75 or .5 speed until you are comfortable.

You could also try observing yourself in the mirror while doing it to calibrate what various moves "feel like". This is why dance studios and weight rooms are full of mirrors.

You can try something that doesn't have a ton of complex rules to learn, like frisbee or a batting cage or mini putt, to focus on one skill at a time and eventually put them together rather than trying to learn and remember and perform a bajillion things at once in a team sport.

I tend to get overeager and flappy with stuff like dance and freeze during ball sports; for me it's truly a matter of consistent disciplined practise and working through that embarassing part where everything is awkward and weird. I really do think that it's vital to be okay with being embarassed to learn.

Ideally you want someone to spot/coach/train you personally but that can feel anxiety producing at first and be expensive.

A lot of those kids from school were probably in sports of some kind so they were practising sport skills more than you. Plus they probably practised individual skills of their own volition (playing catch, dribbling a basketball, etc) and that made it easier to put it all together during games. It sounds like you weren't doing that, so they had an advantage over you.

But now that you are a grownup, you can join a beginners group where other grown ups like you will hopefully be nice and not judgy and mean because they are also learning and nothing depends on them winning.
posted by windykites at 10:20 PM on April 27, 2018 [1 favorite]


It's really funny, I was literally just talking to my husband about how I've become a very 'sporty' adult, even though I was an uncoordinated, sitting-on-the-sidelines kind of child.

Two things seem to be going on in your question: one, you seem kind of preoccupied with what other people think ('People seem to think that I just want to suck at sports, that I'm lazy and stupid'), and second you seem to be conflating 'sport' with 'fitness.'

You've got to find a way to let go of the first issue - you can't read other people's minds, you don't know if they think you're 'lazy and stupid' (which, honestly, is just a very unhelpful and black and white way of framing yourself), and honestly so what if they do? If you've had issues with depression I'd wager that this kind of thinking has impacted on more than just your perception of your body, and that's something for you to work on with your therapist.

Second, do you want to get into a sport or just get fit? Either way, your starting point is to find something you enjoy. You're into yoga - great! Continue doing yoga! Pay attention to how it makes your body feel, keep relishing that physical activity. Then try out different activities to see what sticks with you.

For me, the very first sport I truly enjoyed was fencing in university, which I tried out on a lark, and it totally changed my perception of myself. Before then, I just thought I was an uncoordinated indoor kid; through fencing, I learned that I could become coordinated, that I could be the kind of person who gladly fronted up to training three times a week, failed a lot, looked a bit dumb (but again, who cares?), but made progress and improved.

From there I've tried a bunch of different sports - boxing (love the training, DO NOT care for being punched in the face), rowing (super not into feeling like I'm about to tip into the water), powerlifting (LOVE LOVE LOVE) - and kinds of exercise like reformer pilates (LOVE), spinning (expensive and goofy but I LOVE it), yoga (HATE), pole dancing (hurts my wrists).

No one starts out good at sport. They start out with a genuine interest, and they enjoy the process of practising, which means they practice a lot, which means they get good. Finding an interest, joining a club, seeking out coaching, accepting that you're going to suck, and putting in the hours is so, so, so worth it for more than just fitness. It'll make you see yourself differently, and that kind of confidence bleeds over into other parts of your life.

As for the problems with your body you listed - easily sprained ankles, giant boobs - they can all be dealt with. I can speak with some authority to the boob thing - I recently discovered that what I thought were C cup boobs are actually E through F cup boobs (!!), and buying correctly fitted sports bras has completely changed my life. I swear by the Shock Absorber brand, which covers a wide range of sizes.
posted by nerdfish at 12:39 AM on April 28, 2018 [2 favorites]


As a person who mostly lives in my own head, quite disconnected from my body, I hear you. FWIW, I can only give advice that helped me get much better at aerobics classes:

- observe yourself doing the motions and correct if necessary
- do everything slowly at first (like windykites says, it takes time for body to catch up with brain)
- learn the basic moves and their names, so you know immediately what to do when the instructor says "chachacha and then salsa to the left!"
- when learning a routine, try doing it on your left side first (if you're right-handed); the right/dominant side is much easier to do once you train your non-dominant side
- if you can't seem to remember a routine, try actually putting it into words and learning it like a shopping list (eg. "foot forward, left turn, sway thingie, right hand...") (my mistake was relying on muscle memory, which doesn't work for me)

Also, there are massive differences between instructors. I've been going to aerobics classes on and off for 20 years and there are some instructors who make it so easy: good cueing, well-choreographed routines, clear instructions. And of course, there are some who make it much harder: bad or no cueing, getting confused mid-routine and mixing up the steps... It's not always just your fault.
posted by gakiko at 12:42 AM on April 28, 2018 [1 favorite]


I think a lot of it comes down to practice. I've noticed that a lot of people who are not sporty think they're doing something wrong when they feel awkward doing a new physical activity. But--from my perspective as someone who likes sports--I think that's just the cost of learning a new physical skill. If you keep at it, you will improve.

It's also worth remembering that often your improvement will move in plateaus. So you (and I and everyone else!) will struggle along with some activity feeling foolish and awkward and wondering why you don't just quit because you can't do it no matter how hard you try, and then one day, all of a sudden, you will be able to do some new thing without understanding how or why.
posted by colfax at 3:24 AM on April 28, 2018


Best answer: I was you, right down to the weight gain, up until my late 30s. Now I work at a martial arts academy and am training for my black belt, run, am going to do a triathlon, and I love it. Supposedly. Except --

But I also broke my leg in November and I am having some of my old problems again. And so I think I have figured this out a bit. Which is why all the background because I'm going to tell you what is happening with me. I am back in beginner class, taking it slow. I've lost a lot of muscle all over and I'm more tired than I used to get. My lack of trust in my leg, and my feelings of being out of breath and worried about how my training looks to others, keeps me very self-conscious. That feeling keeps me from being able to practice the moves the way that I was last year. And then I don't like those feelings and it gets harder and harder to go to class.

The thing is, now I know that this will pass. Here's my learning:

1. Do get the breathlessness checked out. I had it too and I did have exercise-induced asthma as a teen. But as an adult, I've learned to find the point where I am moving fast enough that my heart rate is up, but just below where I get out of breath. I did this by running /super/ slowly, as in, people were passing me at a walk. I am still slow, and I don't care, I still have fun. I did a 10k with a bunch of fast people and just met them at the finish line for a beer after. This is the blog post that clued me in.

2. The word for what you are lacking (but you can gain!) is proprioception. I went to physio for my leg and learned about this thing. It is magic! If Japan and your budget/insurance allow, I would highly recommend seeing a physiotherapist for a few sessions and getting exercises from them, or looking for a trainer to work on you with it, if you can find a gym trainer with that level of understanding. The one on one feedback does help, if you are okay with that. (I would not have been at various points in my life, no shame there.)

If you can't for whatever reason, there's another way that people are alluding to in this thread. Pick something like yoga, a non-contact martial art, pilates, fencing, or anything else that has similar movements on both sides, including balance moves, class after class after class. But look for a good instructor who is able to help with modifications - the way I do this is look for a class with /all body shapes/ of people. (My martial arts academy is designed for that, we also have had students in wheelchairs, etc.)

The trick regardless of what you choose is to commit to it (the exercises or the classes), so if you have a friend that will go with you, do it. Stick with that if you can, like you don't have to be nuts about it but really see, for more than a year. It takes a while to build it up. Note that juggling does too, according to that Wikipedia article. But once you have it, if you don't lose it by breaking your leg (ahem), it will make all your activities easier.

3. Mentally: When you say you're not getting anything out of it by not doing the moves correctly, that in my view is not correct. Yes, eventually it helps. But at my martial arts academy, a lot of students are worried about practicing "wrong" at home. What our chief instructors tell them is that even if you practice something wrong 100s of times, it still makes the connections for you, and when you learn the corrected version, it will only take dozens of times to make it up. This has been true for me. So if you can start to downgrade the negative talk, and just...do the exercises however you are doing it then, that will help a lot.

Mantra: I'm here to move my body and I'm doing that, f- the rest.

4. Emotionally. I can't learn well when I'm anxious, and I'm not alone. That's why I think committing for a year is important, even when you feel stupid, etc. etc. I kind of accidentally committed to yoga for two years with a friend of mine, and I started being able to adjust my body and learn a bit at the end of year one, because it took that long for me and my body to realize I was not in elementary school being bullied for my lack of grace (which I was) or about to be attacked (PTSD). I wish you were here in Toronto where I could invite you out to work out with me.

Boy this got long, sorry. I hope this helps.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:12 AM on April 28, 2018 [3 favorites]


Best answer: Seconding getting evaluated for exercise-induced asthma. Also, as a fellow haver-of-giant-boobs, I recommend spending some money on a really good sports bra.

I'm truly bad at sports: I have terrible small and gross motor skills, so much that I worked with an occupational therapist as a kid to practice things like throwing a ball, and despite that extra help I still can't really throw a ball. I'm also extraordinarily inflexible. (When I tell that to people, they're often like "oh, me too. I can't even touch my toes." What I mean is that I can't sit up straight with my legs extended all the way out in front of me. I have to bend my knees.) For me, it's been helpful to make my peace with the fact that I am never going to be good at anything athletic. And then, rather than thinking about exercise as something that I should be good at, I think of it as something that I do for my own personal wellbeing and satisfaction. I don't know or care if I'm good at reading books. I could be a much slower reader than other people, but I don't care, because I'm not keeping track. I just like reading books. I have no idea whether I'm more skilled at brushing my teeth than my friends are (probably not, because of my terrible small motor skills), but it's not a contest. So basically, I think some of the solution to this problem is to stop caring that you're bad at sports. It is very unlikely that anyone is judging you as harshly as you're judging yourself, and if they are, they're being silly.

The other solution, it sounds like, might be to stop taking classes. You like walking. You like swimming. I wonder if you might like lifting weights. It sounds like you're putting yourself in situations where you feel on display and where it's easy to compare yourself to other people, and it might be better if you did individual exercise, rather than being in a group all doing things together at the same time.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 6:55 AM on April 28, 2018 [2 favorites]


Best answer: You seem to be very much like me. Since you say you skipped a grade, I’m guessing that academics came easily to you and sports did not. What I found out is that I have to work a lot harder at sports. Tai chi was my gateway sport and I really recommend it if you can find a class. In tai chi I found out that I didn’t hate moving my body. What I hated was gym class. But I had to go to tai chi classes twice a week instead of once in order to remember the form as other people seemed to after one session.

Yoga doesn’t work for me in classes. I had to find a private instructor to be able to work at my pace. Classes are just frustrating because I’m so far behind everyone else. When I tried to do yoga through videos and books I injured myself, so be careful.

I really love fencing, but I’m terrible at it even after doing it for years. Sometimes it’s really hard for me to go into a class and deal with how bad I am. And I’m trying to figure out what else I can do to improve. Unfortunately I tore some tendons when I greatly increased my practice. It’s going to be hard to go back after injury but I’m just going to have to make myself do it. I’m also going to try to find private lessons.

Just remember that lots of people struggle with academics and have to work harder at that. You and I have to work harder at sports and that’s OK.
posted by FencingGal at 9:00 AM on April 28, 2018


nerdfish nailed it: Very few people are naturally athletic. Most people get good at sports by practicing. You're "bad" because you've spent less time practicing than other people. You just have to practice more.

Specifically, before you start practicing a sport, you'll have to practice general athleticism. Things like balance, flexibility, agility, etc. Mark's Daily Apple is a good site for stuff like that.

Then, when you do try a sport, the key is practice. Don't find a sport you enjoy playing; find a sport you enjoy practicing. This why hockey is my favorite sport. I don't really like playing five-on-five against goalies for sixty minutes, but I really love stickhandling and shooting drills. Google [sport] drills and try some things out.

Don't expect to get good immediately. It takes time. (Remember Malcolm Gladwell...) It's something where you have to enjoy the process.

There are two things that can really help. First, if you can afford a coach, that's usually a good idea. Just like with algebra or driving or whatever, you can learn on your own, but it's easier if your teacher is actually an expert. Second, if you can get a friend to take video of you, that's even better than coaching. That will help you even more than coaching. After all, if you don't know what you're doing wrong, it's hard to fix it.

Finally, for the mental side of things, find a copy of "The Inner Game of Tennis" by Timothy Gallwey. It's about tennis specifically, but the lessons are applicable to all sports (the copy I read had a cover blurb from an NFL coach), and to non-sporting endeavors as well.
posted by kevinbelt at 5:37 PM on April 28, 2018 [1 favorite]


How is your posture?

I've always been a bit of a clumsy person, but in the last year or so I've done some serious fixes of my posture and holy wow has it ever helped me just move better in general. If your posture is messed up you move less efficiently, your body gets tugged into the wrong position, etc.

Stretching is usually a good start for this; in particular check yourself for anterior pelvic tilt, which messes up literally every aspect of how you move. In my case my shoulders were also uneven, which has been a much harder issue to work on, but things are progressing steadily.

A sports physical therapist may be a good person to talk to, if you need an outside opinion.
posted by Urban Winter at 9:51 AM on May 1, 2018


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