Empty Nest Moving--Hacks Needed
April 27, 2018 3:07 AM
My adult kids have now all flown the nest and I'm moving from a 3-bedroom house to a 1-bedroom apartment. Essentially, I'm looking for both physical and emotional hacks to make this as easy as possible.
I feel like I don't know what I don't know, if that makes sense, as far as a complete empty nest move will go. I'm going to have a lot less room and I know a major purge and yard sale are in my future. My kids will come to take their boxes of school memories and art. I'm getting a quilt made of their baby clothes. But what about dozens of photo albums and all the other things that I haven't considered?
If you've successfully been in the empty nest situation, I am grateful for all advice about how to make this as easy as possible.
I feel like I don't know what I don't know, if that makes sense, as far as a complete empty nest move will go. I'm going to have a lot less room and I know a major purge and yard sale are in my future. My kids will come to take their boxes of school memories and art. I'm getting a quilt made of their baby clothes. But what about dozens of photo albums and all the other things that I haven't considered?
If you've successfully been in the empty nest situation, I am grateful for all advice about how to make this as easy as possible.
Photo albums are pretty easy to deal with by digitizing - you can outsource it by selecting any photos you really want to keep and sending them off to a service to be digitized for you or you can buy a fast photo scanner for not expensive and DIY if you're moderately computer savvy. The other bonus is - it lets you have copies of all these photos for your kids.
Once those are in place, you could buy 1-2 digital frames to circulate photos on the walls that you probably rarely look at these days.
The thing I think that is the hardest to get a grip on is emotionally being okay donating stuff that means something to you but your kids either don't want or don't have room for. The particularly tricky things are - dishes that have been in the family, furniture, out of style textiles, kids toys with sentimental value and things that are still useful but nobody wants. The earlier you can reconcile this emotionally, the easier it will be on everyone around you. I went through this with both my parents and grandparents and having to say no 2,000 times to items from the home you've already seen is exhausting. There are a ton of needy people out there and your stuff going to them is a good outcome. The earlier you can get there mentally, the better.
posted by notorious medium at 3:31 AM on April 27, 2018
Once those are in place, you could buy 1-2 digital frames to circulate photos on the walls that you probably rarely look at these days.
The thing I think that is the hardest to get a grip on is emotionally being okay donating stuff that means something to you but your kids either don't want or don't have room for. The particularly tricky things are - dishes that have been in the family, furniture, out of style textiles, kids toys with sentimental value and things that are still useful but nobody wants. The earlier you can reconcile this emotionally, the easier it will be on everyone around you. I went through this with both my parents and grandparents and having to say no 2,000 times to items from the home you've already seen is exhausting. There are a ton of needy people out there and your stuff going to them is a good outcome. The earlier you can get there mentally, the better.
posted by notorious medium at 3:31 AM on April 27, 2018
I took photos of the things I got rid off. I don't look at them because somehow, the memory of taking the photo is enough. On a non-nostalgia thing - I donated ALL my kitchen stuff to friends or a charity and started scratch with new plain crockery and starter kitchen (pots & pans) pack. I think i have only bought two items for my kitchen since then (a one-bedder's kitchen is smaller than a house kitchen).
But mostly, taking photos of the things I didn't have space for really worked, because for me, it was the idea of things, why they were special, rather than the things themselves.
Try to see this as a new start, fresh, without the burdens of stuff (every time I move now, I pare down a bit more and feel freer.).
posted by b33j at 3:49 AM on April 27, 2018
But mostly, taking photos of the things I didn't have space for really worked, because for me, it was the idea of things, why they were special, rather than the things themselves.
Try to see this as a new start, fresh, without the burdens of stuff (every time I move now, I pare down a bit more and feel freer.).
posted by b33j at 3:49 AM on April 27, 2018
You have to frame the entire situation as getting rid of items that are no longer of use to you. These items, of you moved all of them to a 1-br, would be in your way and you wouldn't be able to move around. By paring down your stuff you also get to priorize other things. You don't have to organize as much, or clean as much, or plain save as much. You don't have to save what you own now, because your stuff is supposed to work for you, not the other way around. You will have to discover what works for your new space. When you move into the 1-br, wait a bit to change anything about it or to buy new furniture. You won't know what you'll end up needing until you have lived there for several weeks and months.
posted by tooloudinhere at 4:51 AM on April 27, 2018
posted by tooloudinhere at 4:51 AM on April 27, 2018
We just did this last fall - sold our 4200 sq. foot suburban house and moved to a 1600 sq foot in close to the city rental house while we figure out what our next move is. I've been slowly going through the photos and trashing the poorly framed, blurry, duplicates of duplicates of duplicates, etc. I'm saving the good photos in photo storage boxes. Furniture, clothes, dishes, etc. we were pretty ruthless about donating or throwing. My theory was we could always replace stuff if we really need it, and that was the right call as we didn't need most of that stuff.
Following a few minimalist blogs was helpful to get me in a frame of mind to really consider if I needed to keep something.
posted by COD at 5:01 AM on April 27, 2018
Following a few minimalist blogs was helpful to get me in a frame of mind to really consider if I needed to keep something.
posted by COD at 5:01 AM on April 27, 2018
I went from a 3 bedroom house to a Studo Condo and I had to get rid of A LHAT of stuff.
I would buy a copy of Marie Kondo's The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. Go through your rooms systematically and purge, using her methods. You'll end up with ONLY what you LOVE. (This is key)
Then have a garage sale or sell items on kijiji or something. Anything left over can go to charity.
When you get to your new place, think of all the possible storage possibilities. Hiding things in and under things (ottomans, under beds, closet space, etc.) Think of all the possible display possibilities (My books and Pyrex collection are the things I LOVE, so I bought a mega bookcase and made it the central feature of my place).
Once you've pared everything down and surrounded yourself with the most pleasing, most valuable (to you) and most beautiful or useful items, you'll feel so liberated and happy to be in your own space. It's really fun and exciting! Good luck!!
posted by Dressed to Kill at 5:05 AM on April 27, 2018
I would buy a copy of Marie Kondo's The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. Go through your rooms systematically and purge, using her methods. You'll end up with ONLY what you LOVE. (This is key)
Then have a garage sale or sell items on kijiji or something. Anything left over can go to charity.
When you get to your new place, think of all the possible storage possibilities. Hiding things in and under things (ottomans, under beds, closet space, etc.) Think of all the possible display possibilities (My books and Pyrex collection are the things I LOVE, so I bought a mega bookcase and made it the central feature of my place).
Once you've pared everything down and surrounded yourself with the most pleasing, most valuable (to you) and most beautiful or useful items, you'll feel so liberated and happy to be in your own space. It's really fun and exciting! Good luck!!
posted by Dressed to Kill at 5:05 AM on April 27, 2018
Oh addenda: think in terms of "Is this replaceable" too - for me, reducing the number of books was HARRRRD. So I had to think: okay, I know I haven't read this copy of David Copperfield...but I can literally pick one up IF I'm inclined to read it later. So I got rid of a lot of unread-but-replaceable consumables that way, which freed up a lot of space.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 5:17 AM on April 27, 2018
posted by Dressed to Kill at 5:17 AM on April 27, 2018
My parents just did this not long ago. They were ready, excited for the change and are generally optimistic people. It was still hard sometimes. The above thoughts are excellent, I may also add, be ready to get rid of good things for cheap. That perfectly good ladder you bought for $150 will sell for $10. Your set of heirloom dishes will go for $20, if that. It's hard to get your head around the devaluing of your Really Great Stuff. Almost easier to donate it all, or at least be in the donate mindset.
posted by unlapsing at 5:23 AM on April 27, 2018
posted by unlapsing at 5:23 AM on April 27, 2018
If your kids are in their twenties you might want to hold on to some of those kid things. Young people tend to move a lot and stuff get lost. My kids are in their forties and they're always delighted when I unearth some old treasured something of theirs. And no, I haven't lived in a huge house in one place, I've moved so many times since they left home it would take me a while to count. So, there are a few boxes that I've hauled around with me. At one point I was living in a very tiny space so i rented a storage locker.
posted by mareli at 5:27 AM on April 27, 2018
posted by mareli at 5:27 AM on April 27, 2018
Also, get rid of unneeded furniture unless it has great sentimental value. If your kids come visit overnight get some air mattresses. Get rid of books that are easy to replace. Someone above mentioned David Copperfield, well, if you really want to read it it's free on Project Gutenberg, likely in various editions.
posted by mareli at 5:31 AM on April 27, 2018
posted by mareli at 5:31 AM on April 27, 2018
Can you give the kids some of the furniture, dishes, etc, you would be downsizing with and view it as an early inheritance for them? That might be easier than getting rid of things to strangers.
posted by corb at 5:44 AM on April 27, 2018
posted by corb at 5:44 AM on April 27, 2018
I like the Minimalists’ 20/20 rule. If you can replace something in 20 minutes for less than 20 dollars, you can get rid of it.
posted by FencingGal at 5:57 AM on April 27, 2018
posted by FencingGal at 5:57 AM on April 27, 2018
Please don't foist your emotionally-laden large items (furniture, dish sets, etc) onto your kids unless they really, truly want them. It feels like a guilt trip and now you are saddling them with items they aren't interested in keeping or using, but feel obligated to do so because they mean something to you.
And it's not an early inheritance for your kids, it's an early headache.
posted by RhysPenbras at 6:02 AM on April 27, 2018
And it's not an early inheritance for your kids, it's an early headache.
posted by RhysPenbras at 6:02 AM on April 27, 2018
I would not hold a yard sale. If you have enough stuff, I would contact a company and hold an "estate sale." This process is hard enough without buyers offering you a dollar for a piece of furniture.
When Mom did this, she hired GOT-JUNK, and a local hauler, and finally a dumpster. She had a two car garage, basement and closets full.
Let your friends help you sort! They will often be more ruthless than you are. I like the suggestion of photographing things before you donate.
posted by MichelleinMD at 6:30 AM on April 27, 2018
When Mom did this, she hired GOT-JUNK, and a local hauler, and finally a dumpster. She had a two car garage, basement and closets full.
Let your friends help you sort! They will often be more ruthless than you are. I like the suggestion of photographing things before you donate.
posted by MichelleinMD at 6:30 AM on April 27, 2018
it's not an early inheritance for your kids, it's an early headache.
Mileage obviously varies on this, but I know I would feel hurt if one of my parents did this without asking me.
posted by corb at 6:56 AM on April 27, 2018
Mileage obviously varies on this, but I know I would feel hurt if one of my parents did this without asking me.
posted by corb at 6:56 AM on April 27, 2018
it's not an early inheritance for your kids, it's an early headache.
Mileage obviously varies on this, but I know I would feel hurt if one of my parents did this without asking me.
Yes, there should absolutely be a conversation about items that children may or may not want during a downsize. My point is don't press it upon them to take items the you (collective you) have an emotional attachment to, but your children do not. It creates unwanted clutter for them, and potentially breeds resentment towards you.
(See: the large box of useless stuff thrust upon us by a parent who believed it was stuff we would value because it happened to belong to a grandparent who had recently passed. Spoiler-alert: it wasn't sentimental at all, but now we have a large box of broken stuff taking up space in our small apartment because we feel obligated to keep it due to parent's mis-guided sentimentality.)
If the large object in question has so much sentimental value that you feel that a child *must* keep it because for $emotion, find a way to keep all, or even some, of it for yourself.
posted by RhysPenbras at 7:15 AM on April 27, 2018
Mileage obviously varies on this, but I know I would feel hurt if one of my parents did this without asking me.
Yes, there should absolutely be a conversation about items that children may or may not want during a downsize. My point is don't press it upon them to take items the you (collective you) have an emotional attachment to, but your children do not. It creates unwanted clutter for them, and potentially breeds resentment towards you.
(See: the large box of useless stuff thrust upon us by a parent who believed it was stuff we would value because it happened to belong to a grandparent who had recently passed. Spoiler-alert: it wasn't sentimental at all, but now we have a large box of broken stuff taking up space in our small apartment because we feel obligated to keep it due to parent's mis-guided sentimentality.)
If the large object in question has so much sentimental value that you feel that a child *must* keep it because for $emotion, find a way to keep all, or even some, of it for yourself.
posted by RhysPenbras at 7:15 AM on April 27, 2018
I literally no no nice antique anything. In fact, I wanted to ask: I have an old Ikea sofa and a green tea mattress I got on Amazon. How crazy is it to sell/donate most of my furniture and get new things as I get used to my new place? I can bring along a futon for sitting until I get it all sorted.
Other than antique dishes that my kids want, all I really have are my clothes, some appliances and books and records.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 7:22 AM on April 27, 2018
Other than antique dishes that my kids want, all I really have are my clothes, some appliances and books and records.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 7:22 AM on April 27, 2018
Totally get new furniture for your new living situation! It’s so nice to have furniture that fits the space, physically and emotionally, and this is a big transition for you.
posted by pintapicasso at 7:41 AM on April 27, 2018
posted by pintapicasso at 7:41 AM on April 27, 2018
Echoing unlapsing that in general you can't get hung up on what something cost 30 or 40 years ago, especially china and furniture - that $ price has no connection with its current value or use to you. It's only worth what someone is willing to pay for it now. But it sounds like you won't have that particular issue.
posted by Gnella at 7:53 AM on April 27, 2018
posted by Gnella at 7:53 AM on April 27, 2018
Something that helped me immensely for a big move last summer was to have one big box per room that was the "I don't know" box. It's so overwhelming to pick up every item in your house and make a decision if it stays or goes, so instead I'd go through packing the things I knew I wanted to keep (clothes, blankets), filling boxes for Goodwill that I knew were going (old clothes, books) and anything I picked up that I felt torn about went into the big "I don't know" box. This could be anything from "stuff that's hard to imagine letting go of" to "this old cell phone that I don't know how to recycle."
The point is, once your big box is full you sit down when you're ready and go through one at a time. If it's still hard to let go of, you can leave it in the box for now. *The added bonus of this was usually that when I let a box fill up for a few days and saw all the STUFF, I was more likely to just get rid of it.
Re photo albums in particular... depending on how much time/panic you have before the move, I'd say these are the kinds of things worth just packing and figuring out later. Your new place will be cluttered for a bit, but moving is hard enough without forcing yourself to also figure out what to do with decades of photos.
posted by nakedmolerats at 8:38 AM on April 27, 2018
The point is, once your big box is full you sit down when you're ready and go through one at a time. If it's still hard to let go of, you can leave it in the box for now. *The added bonus of this was usually that when I let a box fill up for a few days and saw all the STUFF, I was more likely to just get rid of it.
Re photo albums in particular... depending on how much time/panic you have before the move, I'd say these are the kinds of things worth just packing and figuring out later. Your new place will be cluttered for a bit, but moving is hard enough without forcing yourself to also figure out what to do with decades of photos.
posted by nakedmolerats at 8:38 AM on April 27, 2018
One more note on the "maybe your kids want stuff" tip - this is definitely a time for a really clear "hey, what might you want?" discussion. Whatever you think your kids might want, is quite possibly not what they actually want.
This comment brought to you by my parents' move where they asked about some furniture partway through and I was like "oh, hell yeah, I have fond childhood memories of [x piece of furniture], I'd love that." Only to find that in their minds that particular piece of furniture was obviously past-its-prime worn-out junk that had gone out the door in an earlier round of giving-stuff-away. (They were probably right, it would probably have needed a good deal of refinishing that would not have been worth spending the money or time on in a purely practical sense, and I'm not mad about it or anything. But they were startled that I would want that piece, and I was startled that they would want the stuff they thought I might want which was expensive but not even slightly to my taste, and we all Learned Things About Ourselves that day but nothing that helped them get their house emptier or me get furniture I would have loved.)
posted by Stacey at 10:51 AM on April 27, 2018
This comment brought to you by my parents' move where they asked about some furniture partway through and I was like "oh, hell yeah, I have fond childhood memories of [x piece of furniture], I'd love that." Only to find that in their minds that particular piece of furniture was obviously past-its-prime worn-out junk that had gone out the door in an earlier round of giving-stuff-away. (They were probably right, it would probably have needed a good deal of refinishing that would not have been worth spending the money or time on in a purely practical sense, and I'm not mad about it or anything. But they were startled that I would want that piece, and I was startled that they would want the stuff they thought I might want which was expensive but not even slightly to my taste, and we all Learned Things About Ourselves that day but nothing that helped them get their house emptier or me get furniture I would have loved.)
posted by Stacey at 10:51 AM on April 27, 2018
Depending on how long you've lived in the house, do a video tour/walkthrough a la "This is your life". It doesn't have to be fancy or poignant or scripted. Just wander through the place you've lived, show your belongings in context, in relationship to each other. Talk about anything special that you notice, the history of each room, how things have changed, what special memories you might have.
My parents lived in my childhood home almost 25 years. While I obviously have memories and photos of it, I'm now wishing there was an "interview" with the house that I could go back and watch, which I'm sure would jog more memories.
posted by itesser at 12:41 PM on April 27, 2018
My parents lived in my childhood home almost 25 years. While I obviously have memories and photos of it, I'm now wishing there was an "interview" with the house that I could go back and watch, which I'm sure would jog more memories.
posted by itesser at 12:41 PM on April 27, 2018
Apologies for the title, but this is exactly what The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning is about.
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:10 PM on April 27, 2018
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:10 PM on April 27, 2018
If this is the house that the kids grew up in, it is nice to take pictures of each room before you start packing/giving things away. Each kid can get a book of the house looking the way that they remember.
posted by metahawk at 1:23 PM on April 27, 2018
posted by metahawk at 1:23 PM on April 27, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:14 AM on April 27, 2018