Did my ex girlfriend break up with me in a fair manner?

April 22, 2018 8:28 AM

I was seeing a 25 year old girl for about 9 months last year when things suddenly started to change.

Up until that point the relationship had been progressing steadily. I'd maybe unwittingly said a couple of minor things that had upset her a little bit in the past as guys sometimes do, but nothing major and certainly not recently. Overall things were solid, we had never argued, and physically things were great and always had been. She then did several things that, with hindsight, I think were quite unfair and ultimately led to us breaking up. I think these things were done on purpose to slowly extricate herself from the relationship. These were:

- Suddenly taking very significantly longer to reply to texts to the point that I was genuinely worried that something terrible must have happened to her, then eventually getting back to me in a nonchalant manner, offering absolutely no apology for having worried me;

- Supposedly going on holiday to somewhere in the same country and again making me worry that something had happened to her, this time getting back to me after 4 days reckoning she had signal problems when there had been no such issue at the start of the holiday;

- Telling me she was ill and again having me worrying about her when, more likely, she was just trying to avoid me;

- Arranging to meet up with me but then saying she was going to be too busy with other plans (earlier for seemingly legitimate reasons, later on much less so e.g. furniture deliver taking up the whole day);

- Not answering the phone when I tried to phone her for a chat, but replying straightaway by text that she had a friend with her at her apartment and felt it would be rude to chat, instead she'd call later but never did;

- Not answering when directly asked (by text) if she wished to end the relationship;

- Later, when clearly not wanting to make any effort to arrange to meet me and me calling her out on it, she said she'd contact me later that day. She never got back to me other than to say she had mobile phone problems again (two months later she informed me she felt at this time that I didn't care about her!);

- A couple of weeks later, whilst still not being absolutely sure if we'd split up or not as she had not confirmed it, informing a colleague by text that she was single again.

I think a lot of these actions were unfair, even cruel and punitive. Certainly there was a lack of empathy in my opinion. What do you think?

posted by DPJ to Human Relations (5 answers total)

What do you hope to gain from finding out if it was fair or not? Do you think our interpretation should change her decision or make her apologize for her behavior?

If you want permission to think she was a jerk about the way she broke up, go ahead, you can think she's a jerk, it's OK to feel that way. Don't retaliate or try to get her to understand how you're feeling, just process the emotion and move on. It's over, she may not be making it perfectly clear, but based on how you feel about her behavior you should not want that relationship to continue, it sucked for you.
posted by AzraelBrown at 8:32 AM on April 22, 2018 [3 favorites]

We can't tell whether you're cherry picking these stories or whether they represent the common pattern of avoidance and small cruelties that often evidence the hope that one's mate will do the breaking up, enabling the perpetrator to settle in comfortably on the spectrum between victim and blameless good-hearted saint. Yes, ghosting sucks. Nonetheless you need to figure out why you're still obsessing abut these matters lo these many months later. Is it a therapy-worthy matter? Or a signal that other parts of your life need revamping for you to be happy? Only you know, but sit with this awhile and see where it leads you.
posted by carmicha at 8:38 AM on April 22, 2018

Maybe? But what’s the difference if you’re broken up now? There’s nothing to be gained by obsessing over whether or not she ended things with you in the best way possible.
posted by amro at 8:41 AM on April 22, 2018

Sounds like she wasn't that into you. Probably best for all concerned that it's over.

upset her a little bit in the past as guys sometimes do
Maybe have a longer think about this part.
posted by rd45 at 8:43 AM on April 22, 2018 [2 favorites]

Best answer: 25-year-olds are women, not girls.

Sounds like she was pulling a fade and hoping you got the message, which you didn’t. She should have had a formal conversation with you, informing you that she was breaking up with you. Yes, it was unfair of her to make a string of excuses instead of doing that. It only served to increase your uncertainty about your relationship while hiding the truth.

I think it bears remembering that in these situations, if you’re seeing a pattern of crappy behavior that results in you being unhappy in the relationship (like progressively dialing down contact), you should initiate the break-up. You don’t have to wait for them to do it. And it’s okay to still be angry about being treated poorly (I know I can be completely over my romantic feelings about someone but still feel like “What a jerk! Grr” about the way things ended), but it doesn’t serve you to dwell on it. They were a jerk, you broke up...time to look toward a new day.
posted by Autumnheart at 8:44 AM on April 22, 2018 [5 favorites]