How do I let go of feeling that a 1.5yr relationship was meaningless?
April 8, 2018 1:04 PM Subscribe
Less than 2 months into break up recovery, I feel I'm moving backwards. There are 2 aspects of the relationship that I'm getting stuck on in particular and the feeling that it was all for nothing.
It has been almost 2 months since my break up and while I was doing much better, I am now struggling again. I feel angrier and more upset and am suffering from constant nightmares about my ex and the woman he left me for. I feel like I am desperately trying not to fall down a black hole. There are aspects that I am struggling with in particular:
- I feel stupid for the amount of emotional labour I invested in the relationship. I spent a significant amount of time getting to know his friends (there were about 4 friend groups to contend with), his actual family and finally, his second family. I was the first woman to meet this ‘second family’ – in the ten years he’d been dating he never introduced a woman to them and they joked about how I must be ‘special’ that he brought me around them.
I met them during the long-distance part of the relationship when I only had 2 days to spend with him. I was a bit jet lagged but I did my best to be cheerful and talkative, answering the verbal questionnaire that the second family threw at me. I sat through several hours watching a sport I don’t follow because it made my boyfriend happy. But honestly I was happy, because I was with the person I loved in front of a roaring fire and it was just nice to be there. Afterwards, I thanked him for taking me to meet them and he said nothing in return. The following week he said they liked me a lot.
During the break up conversation, my ex told me ‘I’m not sure you really enjoyed being there.’ When I think back to that day I remember being happy and relaxed, that he was too, and I don’t understand why he decided to re-write a pleasant experience. About 5 days after he broke up with me, he took the new woman to meet his second family.
- My ex has a very intensive sporting hobby that took up most of his leisure time. In a way it was all consuming. Many of his friends had found their girlfriends taking part in this sport. When we first began dating, his friends would always ask if I shared this hobby. When we attended sporting parties they would ask whether I played the sport before they even asked my name.
As time went by, I began to worry that my ex would rather be with someone that DID share this hobby. But I kept quiet about it because I did not want to seem insecure. Then he began an emotional affair with a woman who he did share the hobby with. After that ended and we worked through the issues, I began learning the hobby and occasionally joined him in playing it. It wasn’t always easy but I enjoyed the experience and felt it was worthwhile to make the effort for him.
Finally, about 3 weeks before he broke it off, I admitted I was worried that he would leave me for someone that shared his hobby (he told me that wasn’t ‘likely’). But, uh, he did leave me and is now dating a woman who shares the damn hobby!!
Now, what was really heart-breaking for me, was that he cited not having enough mutual interests in common (despite how he had always said he felt we complimented each other in this way). I specifically picked my ex because he had slightly different hobbies from me and I enjoyed learning from them. I am feeling afraid to pick someone like that again – someone who seemed happy with our differences and commonalites, but who then decided to throw me overboard suddenly.
It has been almost 2 months since my break up and while I was doing much better, I am now struggling again. I feel angrier and more upset and am suffering from constant nightmares about my ex and the woman he left me for. I feel like I am desperately trying not to fall down a black hole. There are aspects that I am struggling with in particular:
- I feel stupid for the amount of emotional labour I invested in the relationship. I spent a significant amount of time getting to know his friends (there were about 4 friend groups to contend with), his actual family and finally, his second family. I was the first woman to meet this ‘second family’ – in the ten years he’d been dating he never introduced a woman to them and they joked about how I must be ‘special’ that he brought me around them.
I met them during the long-distance part of the relationship when I only had 2 days to spend with him. I was a bit jet lagged but I did my best to be cheerful and talkative, answering the verbal questionnaire that the second family threw at me. I sat through several hours watching a sport I don’t follow because it made my boyfriend happy. But honestly I was happy, because I was with the person I loved in front of a roaring fire and it was just nice to be there. Afterwards, I thanked him for taking me to meet them and he said nothing in return. The following week he said they liked me a lot.
During the break up conversation, my ex told me ‘I’m not sure you really enjoyed being there.’ When I think back to that day I remember being happy and relaxed, that he was too, and I don’t understand why he decided to re-write a pleasant experience. About 5 days after he broke up with me, he took the new woman to meet his second family.
- My ex has a very intensive sporting hobby that took up most of his leisure time. In a way it was all consuming. Many of his friends had found their girlfriends taking part in this sport. When we first began dating, his friends would always ask if I shared this hobby. When we attended sporting parties they would ask whether I played the sport before they even asked my name.
As time went by, I began to worry that my ex would rather be with someone that DID share this hobby. But I kept quiet about it because I did not want to seem insecure. Then he began an emotional affair with a woman who he did share the hobby with. After that ended and we worked through the issues, I began learning the hobby and occasionally joined him in playing it. It wasn’t always easy but I enjoyed the experience and felt it was worthwhile to make the effort for him.
Finally, about 3 weeks before he broke it off, I admitted I was worried that he would leave me for someone that shared his hobby (he told me that wasn’t ‘likely’). But, uh, he did leave me and is now dating a woman who shares the damn hobby!!
Now, what was really heart-breaking for me, was that he cited not having enough mutual interests in common (despite how he had always said he felt we complimented each other in this way). I specifically picked my ex because he had slightly different hobbies from me and I enjoyed learning from them. I am feeling afraid to pick someone like that again – someone who seemed happy with our differences and commonalites, but who then decided to throw me overboard suddenly.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Heya, this is continuing to use Ask as a processing space for something repeatedly, something we've already talked to you about needing to not continue doing. -- cortex
Response by poster: My ex had moved far away from home and grown close to a family that were very similar to his family of origin in many ways, and lived locally to where he lives now. Therefore, he considered them his 'second family'. They treat him like another son.
posted by Willow251 at 1:09 PM on April 8, 2018
posted by Willow251 at 1:09 PM on April 8, 2018
None of the things you are fixated on are the real reason your relationship broke down. The real reason is because your ex is a serial cheater. He's only saying this stuff to avoid blame and make you think it's you not him.
It's him.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:11 PM on April 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
It's him.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:11 PM on April 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: DarlingBri I suppose the way I am interpreting it is - he was only ever going to be happy with a person that fitted a specific mould. Even when I tried hard to partake in his interests and when he seemed happy and appreciative (and told me he was), he never actually was, because he was having an emotional affair or lining up the next partner.
Effectively, I feel confused and duped. Even during the times when I thought we were happiest and he expressed as much, he was still having an emotional affair. And why do they say people do that? Because they have some unfulfilled need. I feel I tried very hard and it just didn't matter. Hence feeling devalued and that the 1.5 years spent was meaningless.
posted by Willow251 at 1:23 PM on April 8, 2018
Effectively, I feel confused and duped. Even during the times when I thought we were happiest and he expressed as much, he was still having an emotional affair. And why do they say people do that? Because they have some unfulfilled need. I feel I tried very hard and it just didn't matter. Hence feeling devalued and that the 1.5 years spent was meaningless.
posted by Willow251 at 1:23 PM on April 8, 2018
Best answer: I know this sounds very cliche but I usually try to create meaning in terms of what I learnt and what personal growth I had. Can you find any meaning this way?
To be honest I think you spent most of the relationship trying to make it work, when it wasn't right in the first place (and he sounds like an asshat). I remember your other questions about this 'hobby' and I can't stress enough how odd I find it that this was such a big 'thing' in your relationship. I tend to find people who are as obsessed with a hobby as your ex is incredibly dull! Maybe one thing you could take from this is to try to find someone who has a more expansive view of other people? i.e., someone who realises it doesn't matter if you're not into a hobby they are into and in fact enjoys the point of difference? Someone who appreciates you for your own individual talents, interests, likes and dislikes?
posted by thereader at 1:28 PM on April 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
To be honest I think you spent most of the relationship trying to make it work, when it wasn't right in the first place (and he sounds like an asshat). I remember your other questions about this 'hobby' and I can't stress enough how odd I find it that this was such a big 'thing' in your relationship. I tend to find people who are as obsessed with a hobby as your ex is incredibly dull! Maybe one thing you could take from this is to try to find someone who has a more expansive view of other people? i.e., someone who realises it doesn't matter if you're not into a hobby they are into and in fact enjoys the point of difference? Someone who appreciates you for your own individual talents, interests, likes and dislikes?
posted by thereader at 1:28 PM on April 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
After reading your update: if he is only ever going to be happy with someone who fits a specific mould, he will never be happy. AND you don't want to be the person who is cutting off parts of yourself trying to fit his specific mould.
posted by thereader at 1:30 PM on April 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by thereader at 1:30 PM on April 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: that's the thing though thereader - he maintained that he did appreciate me for my own talents and likes. He was supportive of my writing and when I decided to take a watersports course this year.
But then he used our differences against me as the main weapon to end the relationship with. That's what I can't comprehend, unless it was more important than he let on all along.
posted by Willow251 at 1:35 PM on April 8, 2018
But then he used our differences against me as the main weapon to end the relationship with. That's what I can't comprehend, unless it was more important than he let on all along.
posted by Willow251 at 1:35 PM on April 8, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by clseace at 1:07 PM on April 8, 2018 [1 favorite]