Am I crazy?
April 4, 2018 11:48 AM Subscribe
This is going to be long, but this explains why I am the way I am..
I was born to alcoholic parents. I took care of my little sister and a lot of times split up my parents fighting (resulting in a broken nose I still have).
My dad is schizophrenic. Although, he only got sick since the recession in 2008.
After my parents divorced when my brother died and I was 6, my dad took my sister and I. We went from many homes to a one bedroom apartment. I lost myself in reading and pretending I was in a fantasy world.
I was bullied a lot. My dad couldnt even put my hair in a pony tail. And since we moved at least once every 3 months until I was 13, I didnt bother making friends.
My dad was abusive. Emotionally and physically. I begged to be with my mom, who I rarely saw due to her alcohol issue until I was 13. We moved in with her and my dad didn't speak to or see us until I was 16.
I was relied on a lot. My mom treated me like her spouse/therapist. We grew unhealthy attached. I wouldnt hang out with friends to be with her and make sure she didn't drink. We were best friends..
She committed suicide in 2014 and since then ive really struggled. I moved in with my dad, and soon after was raped by my best friend..
my dad said it was my fault for allowing a boy in my room, and laughed at me when I told him I was suicidal..
I moved out, and I've been on my own for over a year now. But there has been major issues that I think stem from my childhood.
My dads side of the family shames touching. They dont say "I love you" or even hug. Our hugging is a side pat on the back. Ive never seen any of them do more than that affection wise.
So growing up, I didnt hug my friends or anything. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror naked until a year ago. Im very on the edge near people. I make sure I can see them and theyre at least a few feet away. If anyone touches me without me seeing it, I instantly jump and my heart leaps. If I do see it, I usually cringe. Sometimes I warm up to people instantly and can be okay with touching, but typically it takes a good 6 months of constantly hanging out with a guy for me to warm up enough to cuddle.
My mom made me see a lot of therapists for this, no help.. And the rape only made it worse.
I've tried just forcing myself, ignoring the cringe and fear, but then this results into me bursting into tears uncontrollably to the point I cant breathe in the action of whatever physical touching I'm doing.
I also pretend issues arent huge and I can work them out until a pile builds up and I lash out at the ones I love. And when my trust is betrayed, I feel that it can never be repaired (in a significant way).
I have random ups and downs. And without trying I lie to either get attention, to avoid conflict, or because I know its what someone wants to hear. I lie a lot I feel like..
I always hide from conflict. Ill go to the point where if I missed school on a day I needed to be there, I'll keep missing because I'm afraid of the confrontation of missing a major assignment.
I am kind. I let people walk all over me to keep them happy. And I'm extremely loyal. I love animals, and I get along with most anyone. I watch people carefully at the beginning, seeming shy, and then mold myself to how I believe someone would enjoy me as (just picking and choosing parts of myself to hide and show). I dont feel like I'm into men or women, but I usually treat them like my brothers or sisters. My last boyfriend was for a year and I ended it asking to be close friends, not romanticly involved. I was extremely unhealthyly attached to him, but i think because i didnt want to be left alone with my issues, and be so rejected. I want to be touched, but dont ever crave a specific person to touch me besides characters in books.
If I watch a movie, I always become obsessed with the cute girl and change my hair and outfit to her. I dont know why.
Picturing the future, I see myself single, with one child, living in a little cottage house and just being a mom and a teacher with a bunch of pets. I force myself to add a man in their somewhere.
What is wrong with me? Im already on two medications for my mental well being. I just got back from japan to help with my self searching. But everything else..
I feel like something is missing. Im alone but no one seems to understand me. Not one. Everyone I meet says I'm the most complicated person theyve known. Going on dates theyre just curious because I'm different. I can read through people so easy, but not myself? There's an emptiness growing inside me, and I dont know what to do. Therapist and medications arent working.
Im not sad, I'm just very empty inside. I do well with survival skills, but not emotional (for myself, I'm good at understanding and helping others needs). I have a brand new car, a full time job, a nice apartment, and I go to school full time. But emotionally..
I feel that no one will ever understand me, and I'll always be alone. I cant even understand myself. please help.
I was born to alcoholic parents. I took care of my little sister and a lot of times split up my parents fighting (resulting in a broken nose I still have).
My dad is schizophrenic. Although, he only got sick since the recession in 2008.
After my parents divorced when my brother died and I was 6, my dad took my sister and I. We went from many homes to a one bedroom apartment. I lost myself in reading and pretending I was in a fantasy world.
I was bullied a lot. My dad couldnt even put my hair in a pony tail. And since we moved at least once every 3 months until I was 13, I didnt bother making friends.
My dad was abusive. Emotionally and physically. I begged to be with my mom, who I rarely saw due to her alcohol issue until I was 13. We moved in with her and my dad didn't speak to or see us until I was 16.
I was relied on a lot. My mom treated me like her spouse/therapist. We grew unhealthy attached. I wouldnt hang out with friends to be with her and make sure she didn't drink. We were best friends..
She committed suicide in 2014 and since then ive really struggled. I moved in with my dad, and soon after was raped by my best friend..
my dad said it was my fault for allowing a boy in my room, and laughed at me when I told him I was suicidal..
I moved out, and I've been on my own for over a year now. But there has been major issues that I think stem from my childhood.
My dads side of the family shames touching. They dont say "I love you" or even hug. Our hugging is a side pat on the back. Ive never seen any of them do more than that affection wise.
So growing up, I didnt hug my friends or anything. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror naked until a year ago. Im very on the edge near people. I make sure I can see them and theyre at least a few feet away. If anyone touches me without me seeing it, I instantly jump and my heart leaps. If I do see it, I usually cringe. Sometimes I warm up to people instantly and can be okay with touching, but typically it takes a good 6 months of constantly hanging out with a guy for me to warm up enough to cuddle.
My mom made me see a lot of therapists for this, no help.. And the rape only made it worse.
I've tried just forcing myself, ignoring the cringe and fear, but then this results into me bursting into tears uncontrollably to the point I cant breathe in the action of whatever physical touching I'm doing.
I also pretend issues arent huge and I can work them out until a pile builds up and I lash out at the ones I love. And when my trust is betrayed, I feel that it can never be repaired (in a significant way).
I have random ups and downs. And without trying I lie to either get attention, to avoid conflict, or because I know its what someone wants to hear. I lie a lot I feel like..
I always hide from conflict. Ill go to the point where if I missed school on a day I needed to be there, I'll keep missing because I'm afraid of the confrontation of missing a major assignment.
I am kind. I let people walk all over me to keep them happy. And I'm extremely loyal. I love animals, and I get along with most anyone. I watch people carefully at the beginning, seeming shy, and then mold myself to how I believe someone would enjoy me as (just picking and choosing parts of myself to hide and show). I dont feel like I'm into men or women, but I usually treat them like my brothers or sisters. My last boyfriend was for a year and I ended it asking to be close friends, not romanticly involved. I was extremely unhealthyly attached to him, but i think because i didnt want to be left alone with my issues, and be so rejected. I want to be touched, but dont ever crave a specific person to touch me besides characters in books.
If I watch a movie, I always become obsessed with the cute girl and change my hair and outfit to her. I dont know why.
Picturing the future, I see myself single, with one child, living in a little cottage house and just being a mom and a teacher with a bunch of pets. I force myself to add a man in their somewhere.
What is wrong with me? Im already on two medications for my mental well being. I just got back from japan to help with my self searching. But everything else..
I feel like something is missing. Im alone but no one seems to understand me. Not one. Everyone I meet says I'm the most complicated person theyve known. Going on dates theyre just curious because I'm different. I can read through people so easy, but not myself? There's an emptiness growing inside me, and I dont know what to do. Therapist and medications arent working.
Im not sad, I'm just very empty inside. I do well with survival skills, but not emotional (for myself, I'm good at understanding and helping others needs). I have a brand new car, a full time job, a nice apartment, and I go to school full time. But emotionally..
I feel that no one will ever understand me, and I'll always be alone. I cant even understand myself. please help.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Hey there, I'm so sorry you're going through all this, but this kind of "here's everything" approach doesn't work on AskMetafilter, which is meant for smaller focused concrete questions. This really sounds like something where in-person and longer-term help is what's needed. The There Is Help page has a listing of crisis hotlines (including for texting or online chat) that may be able to help too. -- LobsterMitten
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