I can't "unsee" my ugliness and it's killing who I am

March 18, 2018 10:45 PM

I'm broken and my life's a downward spiral. It's important to me that I be sensual and attractive but I am not. My frustration and desire burns me alive. What's worse is how I'm so ugly that I attract attention--others remind me that it's a horrible thing and it compounds upon my social awkwardness. It hurts to go outside. I panic. Fetal positioning instead of attending to my obligations. Yearning for love because that's the certainty that'll save me, I feel, even though it's wrong. How do I climb out of this hell?

Hi, denizens of the hive mind. I need some advice...a new way of seeing.

I am 23, a student, and a girl.

My life has gone downhill since the moment I was born. The more I learned, the less happy I've become, the more I want the end. I've reached out and tried fixing my issues, but my strength falls away. I lose sight of my hobbies, spend more time on frivolous hopes.

I...I am on track to becoming the sort of person I'd hate. Who envies others for their looks. Who has no agency or confidence, who just festers in her own inadequacy. Maybe even envies other girls--god, I always hated that but I sense that in a few years at this rate I'll be that kind of bitter person. This is who I'll become without intervention.

I want to find love above all. Honestly...I never used to care, but now it's all I yearn for. I want to love. Be loved. God, I want it so bad, that passion. And god dammit I don't want to be the "leftovers" someone just settles for...

Anyways.
Understand that it isn't just my appearance...it's pretty much my entire life that weighs me down.

I won't discuss most of the abuses people have dealt against me, family and beyond (which is full of mental and physical illness, my dad died early on, and my immediate family is all in a depression)...and how I was always the outcast and socially defunct. This all has compounded into something more over time. You could say I have BDD. Except I don't blow up anything--I really do look that bad. I have a reason to hide in the shadows.

My appearance is the one, true thing that keeps me from even wanting to exist or try. Each time I think about going to the gym...I remember how when I wore myself out the last time, I sat down, huffing, and everyone walking by threw me this vaguely horrified look. Back at home my dormmates asked if I was okay. I looked in the mirror and, yup, even LIGHTLY working out made me look even more worn out and messed up. And it really doesn't help that I feel horrible almost all the time too. Painful eyes, fatigue, pain, etc. :(

There's a lot of mirrors where I look pretty good in. However, in some...I saw that my nasolabial folds and undereyes are like dark holes in my face. I'm horrified that this is the me I see. I think I'd be fine with being ugly if...I actually was vibrant or something. Not a literal zombie. It hurts to take photos of myself.

Trust me. I used to not care that much and was very happy--but that was mainly because I wasn't even aware of how socially awkward and weird I was.

Let me lay out the map by age.

0-18 I was always overweight, usually suffered from some skin malady (like acne), neglected/abused in my childhood, and thanks to my family ate incredibly unhealthy. Even was dehydrated most of the time. However, I was somehow happy, with productive hobbies, and was regularly top of my class without even trying, in AP classes, teachers complimented me and recommended me to the leadership/gifted program(s) all the time--I was tested to be a genius, etc.. Problem was that I was actually awkward and the normal kids thought I was creepy even though all I did was keep to myself, read or write in my journal, draw, and talk to my best friend. At that time it was because I was not cute so instead of being shy I was just creepy. I remember learning some bad news and crying in middle of class and everyone just gave me this disgusted look. I saw another shy girl who never peeped either doing the same another time and everyone comforted her...

The only male attention I got was by a guy even chubbier than me insulting then asking me out. -_-

18 Go to prom with dress, regular hair and some cover-up (only)--everyone thinks I'm beautiful. Someone I met there (described to be an an angel by her peers) who said I looked like a heartbreaker found me weeks later, gave my face a look of disgust, and said "You looked...Different." The difference? The lighting. It was dim/ambient at Prom. Yup, Lighting will be a crucial part of my story believe it or not and the beginning of my huge complex about my appearance. Someone kind was mean to me and only talked me in when she thought I was pretty.

Around then I figured out looks matter. Like, babies evolved to be cute so their parents wouldn't abandon them on mountainsides. Annnnd...people are biologically inclined to value good looking people more than ugly ones. I hate to say this because it honestly does disgust me, but after a while I learned about science and evolution and human psychology. Though people argue otherwise, they do discriminate against less attractive people in small ways.

19-22 Begin connecting the dots. Looking back I realized that people always were weirded out by me, etc., and that I'm really ugly. What hurts is having a few experiences reaffirming that even to normal people, looks matter. I also fear that I am inherently incapable of making genuine human connections and I am "broken" somehow. Around the time where I become unable to go outside without becoming anxious and self-conscious.

23 Downward spiral continues and now focuses more on my appearance. It used to be focused more on what I lack otherwise...though of course I'm still self-conscious about my awful communication abilities. Also where I realize that being attractive IS important to me, and that I needed to experience a mutual love in real. Lose about 40 pounds, start spending hundreds to fix my skin. My self-esteem gradually gets worse till I'm actively avoiding going outside, even to my obligations.

Why? Because people stare. They give me weird looks. I remember walking by a guy and him giving him a random look of disgust...baristas stopping in their work to stare. People in class glancing back at me for no reason--literally turning in their seats to do so. It's the same on the bus. Girls and guys, especially. Groups of them sometime, too.
A guy implied that he found me amazing to talk to but would never date me because of my "Severe jaw". Jesus Christ.
A guy that walked by me and gave my face this disgusted look. I took pictures afterwards in the overcast day and...yup, I looked that horrible. And it reminded me of how a kid once guessed me and my friend's age--I was "60" and she was 21--during similar weather... -_- I just looked like an old crackhead.

Those looks. They kill me because they happen regardless of how I feel; and often when I feel physically horrible and fatigued. And it isn't like I looked first--usually I look up and spot people just gawking at me...I can't look good, so why are they even staring? And I remember being called "Creepy" before. :(

This is about when I started seriously considering plastic surgery. I feel as if it's the only way to live a happy life sometime.
~~~

A few months ago I started trying to change out of pure frustration...I started reaching out online and ended up finding a lot of people from various sources, till narrowing down to the most fascinating three. The type where you just tune into in middle of the night and talk the night away with. I smile and laugh when I talk to them...I feel so alive when I'm with them, like a force of nature. If not for them I wouldn't have laughed or smiled for weeks. They're basically the ones that further reminded that there's something missing in my life.

I remember the cocky one saying "There's a reason why high-status men always choose beautiful wives"--etc.. And *he is* hot as hell, I've seen him and his body over facetime...he is also the most intelligent, successful person I've ever known. Seen him just chilling in his fancy loft, showing me around and his fancy white puffball of a cat. He hid it for months till I ended up digging up the truth--his facebook, his station in life. To this day I'm still friends with him, somehow, and I love talking to him for hours on end cuz the chemistry's electric (not to mention he has the most amazing voice ever). It's hard to find someone down for talking about the things we do in real. But again...the things he says...about appearance mattering, etc, has brought me down too. He doesn't know it, though--he just loves talking about studies and logistics.

He...is an interesting guy--he wants me to succeed and climb out of my stupor--that I do look "f'ed up" a lot, but that it's my best that matters. You have no idea how much he has tried to support me without asking anything in return. Given me advice, told me what he's learned...even given up his obligations to help me back up and support me in my darkest times. Of course in the first months he wasn't so invested but the more we shared our past and connected, the more passionate he grew about helping me... "I just want you to be happy. God, you are the sweetest person I've ever known, you deserve it..." "People are blind, they don't see what I see. Trust in me--not in them. They're dumbasses who can't see who you really are." "Honestly, it's what's inside you I care about."

But time and time again, I failed to put his suggestions into action. I failed to believe in him...and disappointed him time and time again. He's grown frustrated with me. (It really doesn't help that he actually implied that if I was cuter, he'd ask me out ASAP.)

Another one of these friends of mine is my age and an engineering student that's a bit like a social superstar at his school--multi-talented (awesome singer/guitar player...he plays me stuff pretty often). And he is one of those charismatic people...you can just tell. And yeah, he's also pretty hot. Confirmed. >.>;

He also believes in me and says that I scare him sometimes...that again, even if he has had hundreds of friends over the years, my core desires--the fact that I still keep on "trying" despite everything--the fact that our conversations flow like water are unparalleled...that I am the greatest friend he's ever had. It's like the concept of two people never being able to fully connect because human communication is limited is lost on us. He also believes in me and has become a bit like my cheerleader--to this day he still is mindboggled that I've lived the antisocial life I have because (he even gave this amazing hours-long rationale and essay on it) the connection I have with him is the strongest he's ever had. "I mean, sure. I've met a LOT of people like you...who you can - no offense to them - just kind of tell why and how they're not all that experienced. But you're different--in fact, you're even more personable, and more genuine and fun then all of the "extroverts" I know. It scares me, C, but in a good way. You have no idea that...you're everything you want to be already, you just have to believe in yourself. You're amazing."

So, tl;dr, I do kind of have a support network and people that believe in me, but yeaaaah...what they said, tried to say...just hasn't stuck or actively worked against me. They remind me about the types of connections I've been missing out on because of my appearance.

~~~

After a while...I started to believe it was because I was some sort of abomination. All my stoicism fell away into pure despair and I cry myself to sleep.

I am at about 150, 5"6 right now, trying to lose more weight, but it's hard cuz...I have no reason to believe that I've gotten more attractive because of my weight loss.

Now, what's the whole thing behind the almighty Lighting? Well. Whereas it's like makeup to other people, it's like Cinderella magic to me if Cinderella actually looked like a peasant girl. Guys oogle me nonstop, including hot ones. They flirt with me and gawk, ignoring all the other girls around me. Then they lose interest as soon as they actually see me in regular lighting. I remember talking to a guy I met outside in the evening and finding out he was in my class--we were laughing and talking together, he was so enthusiastic...then...in class I remember him bending forward in his seat to look at me, had this twisted-up expression, then sat back.
He never talked to me again.

It's been years since I've been complimented outside of the dim lighting/or shade context.
Imagine what types of trust issues that has given me...I've made connections, but been cut off.

I have been "taking care" of my skin for over a year now yet it still looks awful, even though I've taken antibiotics, am applying Tretinoin. Red and dark marks that last for months, sunken, dark eyes...a droopy, weird midface that aggravates my nasolabial lines. Even my best friend of my entire life said my eye bags were horrific and like a 60 year old woman's! And this was WAY BEFORE I thought I had any problem! It was the only time she ever said anything bad about me because she's a sweetie.

A guy teased me that I ought to stop smoking and that it's not good for me...I don't even smoke. This was the only input I've ever gotten from a guy in real. Someone online who saw my picture said I looked 30. I always seem to be called "Ma'am" and have for years. I feel incredibly unhealthy and while it's true that I live a sedentary life, it isn't like I'm inundating myself with junk food, drinking, or smoking--unlike a lot of people my age who still look good!

Basically. I looked "f'ed up", ill, and haggard, and lighting smooths everything out. I feel like some sort of abomination or a zombie and I have trouble just existing or being around people.

The girls I know have been saying "You're fine the way you are! Stop losing weight!" aggressively (even though I never mention my weight loss, just weighing myself or ordering a light meal is enough to trigger them--I NEVER EVEN mention my insecurities to them so they have no reason to freak out like that or try making me feel better--it's like...they just know I must feel bad about my appearance...) like they were doing when I was 200 pounds and acting as if my weight loss has been a bad thing even though right now I'm still at the precipice of being overweight and have a big belly/arms. Sometimes I feel as they're basically warning me away because losing weight has just made me look worse or something...you have no idea how much this hurts me. Imagine years of thinking that all I needed to be normal and improve was lose weight, and when I start cutting the calories and losing...for it apparently to be for nothing.

I'm defeated. Not even losing weight is a good thing for me anymore. My life and mindset have become so heavily ingrained in my appearance.

I have been through therapy, shopped around for therapists...basically did nothing for me. In fact, it made me feel worse because I was expending a lot of effort and a lot of time and money for nothing. I've seen great ones, certified ones, that did nothing for me. Months of effort. People telling me it takes YEARS for someone like me to get better! Oh my fuckin god. Years! I already wasted my youth! And on what?!

The only time I felt good about myself was in fact when I felt attractive and like I'd not be alone forever, basically. Good and happy. And with the people I love...

Note: I, interestingly, have an almost great body despite the extra weight. We're talking great big perky ones, a curved, shapely backside, and long legs that girls openly say they envy. Even posted it online to be rated and was considered the best of dozens of girls. So you can imagine...I have an amazing bod yet still have never been hit on. -_-

Note 2: Don't pull the "Oh, everyone's into variety! Someone out there is into you!" thing. That barely works when I am a collection of everything that makes someone unappealing (aka, I look unhealthy) and no one has ever even liked me based off of my appearance.

Reference pic: https://imgur.com/a/YXK1x Kinda harsh lighting to show off my bad skin, odd nose, eye bags, and awful nasolabial folds.

posted by Wildernessy to Clothing, Beauty, & Fashion