When do you know if a relationship isnt worth saving *URGENT*

February 28, 2018 2:53 PM

I'm desperate for help and advice. Im stuck and lost to the point I feel like it's ruinning my life.

Please hang in there. I know this will be a little lengthy, but I'm at the end of a double edged sword. I need help.


I've been seeing Adam for a little over a year now. We met over 2 years ago, after my mother died. He has always been the guy I end up running to for comfort and safety.

We never really had a spark or passion. When I'm with him, its more of a feeling "at home". I was sexually abused, and because of this Im very nervous with affection. Adam was understanding of this. For two years, he was kind to me, and never forced me to even sit close to him.

Even though he wasnt very attractive and I was looking for passion, I decided to give him a chance. He was very financially stable, he treated me like a princess, and was great with kids. What could go wrong?

After dating an moving in with him... Two months into our relationship it ended badly. I dont know why, but I instantly shut him out, and refused to even kiss him.

When I was out on my own, I realized that I had ruinned this relationship by being cruel and hurtful to a man who only asked for a kiss and to cuddle me at night. But I'd refuse (even had an entire different bedroom).

I came back to him. I told him I would prove to him thats not who I am, and I truly don't want to hurt him.

For nine months, we saw each other at least 3 times a week. Didnt go a day without texting each other. He was the first man I was sexually active with that wasnt forced on me. I attached to him.

The more I proved myself, the more it seemed he to grow depressed and zombie-like. I did everything I could think of to cheer him up. Make him cupcakes, clean his house, draw him silly doodles, decorate his bathroom with little notes on why I loved him. The more I tried, the more i felt he shut down.

Near the last 2-3 months, I told him he needed to decide to be with me or let me go. He would tell me he just couldnt be with me, but would text me a day later saying he was lonely and wished I was there. Knowing me, I jumped to the rescue..

I know he told me we couldnt be together, but I was committed. I have zero family, and i tend to only want two or three friends at the most.

I asked him if he saw anyone or talked to anyone else more than a friend, and he told me many times no. He would often volunteer it.

Sadly, I was proven otherwise. Someone kept calling him second phone he left when he went to work, and I knew I shouldnt snoop. I never doubted him before. It kept me awake though.

On the screen was his ex girl friend. Between them, there were thousands of texts. He wanted me to be her, but she had a boyfriend. He constantly begged her to give him a chance, and he would send paragraph upon paragraph about how I treated him poorly but he doesn't want to be alone.

After reading the "I miss you"s, I was empty. I texted her, and even sent her a picture of me in his bed.
I told him some not very nice things, and to leave me alone.

I got thrown under the bus sadly... He defended himself to her, not to me. He wanted to make it right with her, not me.

She had cheated on his many many times. She constantly tells him to kill himself if they ever fight. She suffers highly from bipolar disorder.

I couldnt understand it. Why didnt he just tell me? Didnt I deserve to know?

It felt like my mother had died all over again. The pain was horrible.

He brought me flowers everyday for a week about three weeks after everything. He never stopped texting me. I tried to ignore him, but I loved him. When you have nothing, you take what you get right?
After waiting nine months, we were officially dating. people finally knew I existed again.

I didnt have time to cope though, and I spent a month with nightmares and still throwing up about how stressful and disgusting it was you me. He told me he was sorry, and explained what they had before was better than what we had before, and that he was blind by what was going on then. He said at least she would let him touch her, and etc.

I understand where he is coming from, and I really thought we could heal. But then she showed up at his door claiming she had cancer..

I was a wreck. After a month she was already back in our lives and I didnt know what to do.

They were texting off and on again about how she was. Eventually she didn't have cancer, or proved she never did. But the betrayal was worse. Even though he was honest about her coming over, them talking killed me. Her possibly being involved with us because she may be dying destroyed me.

I was working on my trust with him, and communication. But I don't like his friends. One is a very slutty girl... She constantly posts her in bras and what not. Hes open with me about their friendship, but it still bothers me, because I dont trust him.
A comment was made that he didnt understand why I was so affected when he went through worse rejection with her and him and I werent even dating. This made me really doubt he was sorry.

I do have a life. I have my friends, a full time job, I'm a full time student, and I love making diy things as a hobby. I have a brand new car, and a brand new apartment on my own. I'm going to japan in 2 weeks, and bought a pet.

We did break up on valentines day. He shut down, and wouldn't talk to me. I tried to tell him how I felt in a calm manner, but he said it only hurt him to talk about how bad of a guy he is and what he does wrong.

I was pretty okay with this, as I felt a lot of pain and grief while in the relationship that I didnt even cry when we broke up.

He came back again though. He left me notes, and texted me at least 5 times a day (I completely ignored him). He told me he was sorry and he missed me. He said he is happy when I'm there, and that I do things for him no one else would ever do.

I know he loves me, and I love him. But when do you call it quits?

My heart yearns for him. And I always give in when I see him making so much effort.

This is making me extremely depressed and numb, because i feel like I'm going crazy with what to do. He is the only male figure in my life ive been able to trust. Who I feel safe with and loved. Without him, I'm completely alone. I only have myself. No family. Distant friends.

I'm afraid we hold onto each other because were afraid of being alone. For me, I'm afraid I wont find a man I feel this was with. Safe, loved, comfortable, protected.

Are we worth saving? Or are we not?

I want to stay. Dearly. I want to jump in his arms and kiss him. But right now I cant let him do more than hug me because I'm afraid. I constantly have nightmares of him and his ex or his slutty friend. Ive told him, and he shuts down.

He wants to get back together, and he is sorry for ending it after only two weeks. I just dont know if I can ever trust him again. I dont know if I will stop having that constant wonder of if they're talking or not. He told me you choose if you trust someone or not, but I don't know how at this point with him.

I dont know what to do. Im begging for help and advice. I really do want honesty as well. Thank you.

~p.s were both in our 20s. He's 8 years older than me.

posted by Deal to Human Relations