He left me (blindsided). I am heartbroken, how can I move through this?
February 21, 2018 4:04 PM   Subscribe

LDR boyfriend I have been posting about has blindsided me with a break up, despite giving me no indications that he was about to pull the plug. I am heartbroken.

So my boyfriend who I been posting about and who I have been in a long distance relationship with for 6 months (and together 1 1/2 years total), with just 3 more months to go of distance, has dumped me via an email. I was due to visit him in person for 3 days in a week.

Now he tells me is leaving his apartment in the city to move to the countryside. He decided that if I didn't want to move to the countryside right now, as he did, he was going now and clearly this made us incompatible. He says 'I want to be alone.' He presented me with a laundry list of things that bothered him, that he had never raised because he would rather be a people pleaser than communicate & deepen our bond. I was given no chance to fix anything because he never raised a single problem with me until he left me.

For the last couple of months I have noticed a marked change in his mood & been convinced he is suffering from at least mild depression. The night before the email, everything seemed as normal: he was continuing to tell me he loved me & other affectionate things, we had booked a trip at Easter with another couple and he said he'd been really looking forward to going, etc.

He told me that while he still felt very much in love at Christmas/New Year, he felt differently after I flew back to my current city. Just three weeks later, he flew out to spend the weekend with me & now tells me he did this to 'rekindle' the spark. In more or less the same breath, he said he did feel a spark when together but no longer when apart (this never wavered before, just in the last month & he couldn't place why). When he arrived we talked of our future, which he was very negative about, but by the end of the trip we seemed to reach a compromise on where we would both be happy living to begin with.

I was so shocked to receive that email the following evening, saying he felt we were going in different directions (projecting nonsensical things about what he believed I wanted from the future, when we had already discussed how closely aligned our goals were in January) and that while he no longer felt a 'deep connection' he was still 'very attracted' to me! I finally got him on the phone (he resisted because he freezes and becomes unable to communicate during difficult conversations). On Monday night, he said he loved me 'so much' and was looking forward to our trip together; by Tuesday he was saying 'I will box up your stuff and be ready to say goodbye to you.' How do I even begin to calibrate this in my mind and heart?

Before the LDR I discovered he was having multiple obsessive 'friendships' with women I knew nothing about & they felt like emotional affairs to me. On AskMefi I was given advice that he should see a counsellor. He now says 'You pushed me to do the counselling, you encouraged it, and this is the outcome.' I was given advice that I should ask him to see a counsellor. I did & he agreed it was right. Now he tells me the counsellor has encouraged him to re-evaluate his whole life and that his lead him to breaking up with me. He also thanked me for making him a better person and making him take a cold hard look at the person he wanted to be!!

I asked him if he had been pretending to love me for the past month - at first he said he had been pretending, then changed that to 'no I did mean the words I said last night on some level'. He is a f'ing MESS. And I pity him.

Now I am stunned, reeling, not eating, my heart is in agony & I feel that someone has bashed my body with a hammer over and over again. Part of the reason I am shocked is that when I wasn't sure, or struggling with the distance, he was the strong one assuring me we would get through this period. I'm devastated as he is the first person I had thought long-term with. He was just talking about 'our kids' on a road trip a month ago. I have been planning my life around him.
posted by Willow251 to Human Relations

This post was deleted for the following reason: Hey, this sounds really hard, but there isn't a question here, and AskMe is not for this kind of ongoing relationship processing. -- restless_nomad

 
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