Is this grammatical?

February 18, 2018 2:31 PM

I'm helping a friend with a job application and we're wondering about the opening phrase of her cover letter. If she says something like "As an experienced widget-maker who has won an award for my gadgets, I'm skilled at..." is "has" correct? It sounds strange to me. She could possibly rephrase to something like "As an experienced widget-maker, I have won an award for my gadgets, and I'm..." but is hoping to keep this structure.
posted by pinochiette to Work & Money (20 answers total)

It's perhaps slightly old-fashioned but grammatically correct I think. If she wants to sound more punchy she can change out of passive voice, if she wants to be a bit formal she can keep it. It's a matter of tone and usage rather than grammar.
posted by glasseyes at 2:38 PM on February 18, 2018 [4 favorites]

It's not incorrect but it's poor style for business writing. Try something along these lines: I am an experienced widget maker who was won a, b, and c awards; in this capacity I have had an opportunity to develop d, e, and f skills.
posted by mikek at 2:48 PM on February 18, 2018 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks! Just to clarify, I'm mostly curious about *why* it sounds wrong to me. (It partly seems strange, I think, because she could say "have" in the second part of the sentence, e.g. "As someone who has lived in the U.S. for 25 years, I have...") If anyone can explain the grammar rules here, I would be grateful! I'm sure it's basic but I don't remember.
posted by pinochiette at 2:55 PM on February 18, 2018

It’s because, in your example, “someone” before the comma is third person and “I” after the comma is first person. But your original example
Was I face perfectly grammatical.
posted by ejs at 3:01 PM on February 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

Are you wondering why it’s “has” in the present perfect in the first part of the sentence, but usually when we talk about ourselves it’s “I have”?

She is referring to herself in third person in the first part of the sentence, describing herself as someone who is an experienced widget maker—someone who has won an award. You would not say “someone who have won an award.” Then she switches to first person in the second part—“I am skilled...”

Or on preview what ejs said. The original sentence is perfectly correct.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 3:03 PM on February 18, 2018 [4 favorites]

Best answer: The subject of the first part of the sentence is "someone" (or "a person"). "someone has" done something. The subject of the second part of the sentence is "I". "I have" done something. Just basic verb conjugation, you just have to seek out the subject of the sentence.

(That said, I agree with others - the sentence is not ungrammatical, but it is very badly written - in fact there was a question a few days ago from a teacher trying to get her students to stop using this construction because it's so awkward. Talk her out of it.)
posted by brainmouse at 3:03 PM on February 18, 2018 [2 favorites]

Best answer: For me what really turns it from a cromulent sentence to an awkward one is that it switches from 3rd person to 1st person in the same clause: "As an X who has won an award for my gadgets, ...". That mid-clause shift makes me stumble a little. It's like someone else was winning an award for her gadgets. Strictly speaking it should be "As an X who has won Y for her gadgets, ...".

And for what it's worth I agree wholeheartedly with jamaro's rewrite.
posted by col_pogo at 3:13 PM on February 18, 2018 [3 favorites]

You don't need the 'as a' construction. It's not exactly wrong but it sounds clunky and business-speak-y. I'd restructure it along the lines of: "I am an experienced widget-maker skilled at [xxxx], and have won a [yyyy] award for my gadgets." And specify what the award is/who awarded it. Anybody can hand out an award, and failing to say exactly what the award was can look like you're trying to be vague on purpose.
posted by showbiz_liz at 3:30 PM on February 18, 2018 [2 favorites]

All good advice above, especially from showbiz_liz . I'd add that the idea to start off with that long clause suggests that you are trying to get too much info into too few words, or at least, in too few sentences.
posted by SemiSalt at 3:42 PM on February 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

As others have pointed out, it’s grammatically correct. I have absolutely no problem with it. Also, just want to note it’s not the construction the teacher was complaining about a few days ago. Those sentences were incorrect and were more like, “Being an experienced widget maker, it would be good to hire me.”

Also, not passive voice.
posted by FencingGal at 3:50 PM on February 18, 2018 [7 favorites]

I'm a professional editor and I have no problem with it.

(Some folks have referred back to the dangling modifier AskMe the other day. But this isn't a dangling modifier. It modifies the subject of the sentence, as it should.)

If you're worried and want to keep the structure, rephrase to "As an experienced widget-maker with an award for my gadgets, I'm skilled at…." But, again, it is also fine to leave it the way it is.
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:00 PM on February 18, 2018 [6 favorites]

Best answer: (1) Not ungrammatical, though "her gadgets" might, in fact, be preferable
(2) Not the construction the teacher was complaining about earlier
(3) Not the passive voice (??? Do people think that any time "to be" is used with a participle, it's automatically passive?)

However...really this particular construction should be used to emphasize that the main clause happened during/was a result of the condition of the "as a..." phrase. E.g., "As someone who has seen many battles, I know that man's life or death may depend on the tiniest of chances." So it's not wrong here, but it may not be ideal. The shorter rewrites offered here may be preferable for that reason.
posted by praemunire at 4:21 PM on February 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

Also, “won” is already past tense, so the “has” isn’t necessary. “As an experienced wiget-maker who won an award for my gadgets...”
posted by Knowyournuts at 4:45 PM on February 18, 2018

Also, in revising, the structures of the surrounding sentences matter. If the surrounding sentences all start with “I am” or “I have,” retaining this structure as she has it could make sense. A bunch of sentences in a row with a simple subject/verb construction sounds childish.
posted by FencingGal at 5:09 PM on February 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

"I am an award-willing widget maker, skilled at..."
posted by Dolley at 5:20 PM on February 18, 2018

Also, “won” is already past tense, so the “has” isn’t necessary. “As an experienced wiget-maker who won an award for my gadgets...”

Present perfect ("has won") would be preferable here to simple past ("won"), because unlike simple past, present perfect indicates that a past event (winning the award) is relevant to the present (being a good candidate for this job).
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 6:11 PM on February 18, 2018 [4 favorites]

As an experienced reader who has reacted badly to many forms of words, I’m fine with this one.
posted by Segundus at 6:59 PM on February 18, 2018 [2 favorites]

I keep getting hung up on "an award for my gadgets." One award for many gadgets? Should "award" be plural? Should "gadgets" be singular?
posted by MovableBookLady at 10:18 PM on February 18, 2018

1) "As an experienced and award-winning widget-maker..."
2) "As an experienced widget-maker and recipient of multiple gadget-related awards..."
posted by lecorbeau at 4:45 AM on February 19, 2018

It's true I only hire people in a bizarre and anachronistic industry that's existed for many hundreds of years with little change. . . but the original sentence sounds absolutely normal to me.

Both the alternatives, filled with "I"s, seems terribly artificial and forced. But it may well be industry-specific. (As, perhaps, is the notion that anyone will ever read a cover letter.)
posted by eotvos at 8:59 AM on February 19, 2018 [3 favorites]