Think Positive... Be Positive... uh, how, please?
January 28, 2018 6:03 PM
How do I combat entrenched negative thought loops when it comes to writing a resume and using that resume to hunt for a job?
Every time I sit down and try and update my resume, so many negative thoughts rise up that I cannot continue. Then I berate myself for being irresponsible, put your big girl pants on kind of thing. As I, you know, need a job, this old pattern of insecurity is very destructive. It goes back to the days when I was a teenager being told by my mother that if anybody hired me to do anything, it would be a miracle, basically, because I was just so unfriendly, gauche, unassertive, etc. I was and am an introvert, which was what she was seeing and attacking and, in a misguided way, attempting to help me overcome so I wouldn't have the exact problem I've had ever since, and am facing now. I know her motives were good, but her methods sucked.
That was one part of what I internalized from this time. The other part of why I have so much trouble writing a resume is something I never even considered might have to do with it, not until recently. That is, simply being female. Growing up in a household where Dad worked and Mom cooked, with Mom always deferring to his earning power, I learned to always see others as having more value than myself. Writing a resume means laying out one's accomplishments, even if they are modest, and believing that those accomplishments have value. I was taught to always diminish my accomplishments and to always to put myself down. So when in the process of resume writing, I actually feel I contributed nothing much to this or that job and why would anybody reading give a crap about that anyway. Asking someone for a job using that resume is even worse. It means being assertive, which means placing a value on myself to take up enough of someone's time to believe I have something worthwhile to offer for it. Since I have trouble believing this, it's very easy for people to give me the brush-off.
In the past I got around this by sending my resume to job openings online and waiting for a reply. (That way I wouldn't actually have to talk to anyone who didn't want to talk to me.) This actually worked once and I got a decent job out of it. That was ten years ago, though, and this strategy no longer works. I've realized that I need to go out and talk to people and hand them my resume to have any chance of a job whatsoever (that is, in my target industry, not just your standard fill-out-a-form low-wage-worker deal, I've had plenty of those because those are what I think my skills are worth, basically, and that's the point of this post - to get past that stuck place in my mind.) So I've decided to update my resume. Problem is, when I'm trying to work on it, every bad thing anyone has ever said about me rises up and paralyzes me. Objectively, I think I have the skills and experiences to put a decent, marketable resume together - until it comes time to actually do it.
tl;dr Need strategies to combat negative thinking specifically in regards to resume writing and job searching. I need a therapist and do not have one right now due to lack of funds. Books and article recommendations on ways to stop negative thoughts and raise self-esteem (especially as a woman) appreciated.
Every time I sit down and try and update my resume, so many negative thoughts rise up that I cannot continue. Then I berate myself for being irresponsible, put your big girl pants on kind of thing. As I, you know, need a job, this old pattern of insecurity is very destructive. It goes back to the days when I was a teenager being told by my mother that if anybody hired me to do anything, it would be a miracle, basically, because I was just so unfriendly, gauche, unassertive, etc. I was and am an introvert, which was what she was seeing and attacking and, in a misguided way, attempting to help me overcome so I wouldn't have the exact problem I've had ever since, and am facing now. I know her motives were good, but her methods sucked.
That was one part of what I internalized from this time. The other part of why I have so much trouble writing a resume is something I never even considered might have to do with it, not until recently. That is, simply being female. Growing up in a household where Dad worked and Mom cooked, with Mom always deferring to his earning power, I learned to always see others as having more value than myself. Writing a resume means laying out one's accomplishments, even if they are modest, and believing that those accomplishments have value. I was taught to always diminish my accomplishments and to always to put myself down. So when in the process of resume writing, I actually feel I contributed nothing much to this or that job and why would anybody reading give a crap about that anyway. Asking someone for a job using that resume is even worse. It means being assertive, which means placing a value on myself to take up enough of someone's time to believe I have something worthwhile to offer for it. Since I have trouble believing this, it's very easy for people to give me the brush-off.
In the past I got around this by sending my resume to job openings online and waiting for a reply. (That way I wouldn't actually have to talk to anyone who didn't want to talk to me.) This actually worked once and I got a decent job out of it. That was ten years ago, though, and this strategy no longer works. I've realized that I need to go out and talk to people and hand them my resume to have any chance of a job whatsoever (that is, in my target industry, not just your standard fill-out-a-form low-wage-worker deal, I've had plenty of those because those are what I think my skills are worth, basically, and that's the point of this post - to get past that stuck place in my mind.) So I've decided to update my resume. Problem is, when I'm trying to work on it, every bad thing anyone has ever said about me rises up and paralyzes me. Objectively, I think I have the skills and experiences to put a decent, marketable resume together - until it comes time to actually do it.
tl;dr Need strategies to combat negative thinking specifically in regards to resume writing and job searching. I need a therapist and do not have one right now due to lack of funds. Books and article recommendations on ways to stop negative thoughts and raise self-esteem (especially as a woman) appreciated.
- Take a deep breath
- Go for a walk
- Hug someone
- Break it up into many steps (e.g. today do research on what jobs you want, tomorrow edit the education / work experience parts of your CV, day after write 2 cover letters, etc.) and give yourself plenty of time to de-stress
- Look for e.g. interview and careers advice on youtube - watch videos of people who seem nice and friendly - those help to make me feel less alone
- Know that this anxiety is perfectly normal, and don't pay too much attention to the mental noise (a lot of it is just noise, you know?) - try and do tasks that are so focused that you have no space left to feel anxious
posted by Crookshanks_Meow at 6:45 PM on January 28, 2018
- Go for a walk
- Hug someone
- Break it up into many steps (e.g. today do research on what jobs you want, tomorrow edit the education / work experience parts of your CV, day after write 2 cover letters, etc.) and give yourself plenty of time to de-stress
- Look for e.g. interview and careers advice on youtube - watch videos of people who seem nice and friendly - those help to make me feel less alone
- Know that this anxiety is perfectly normal, and don't pay too much attention to the mental noise (a lot of it is just noise, you know?) - try and do tasks that are so focused that you have no space left to feel anxious
posted by Crookshanks_Meow at 6:45 PM on January 28, 2018
I relate to this so hard. So hard. Thanks for asking this so I know I'm not alone. Anytime I think about updating my resume/applying for a job, I think "I haven't done anything!" which is not true, but it's hard to think so otherwise. DrGail has great advice.
Check out the resume tag at AskAManager.org. One of the things I remember is "So what?" as in, "What would have happened if you weren't there to do the job?" (Brain weasel says that someone else would have done the job better, that's not the point! YOU were in the job, you were there, so what difference did you make that you were?)
I would also work with a friend - like, you bounce off friend the things that you did, and friend puts it into bullet point format. (I can help you with this if you want! Memail me)
See if you can't find other resume samples on the internet so that you can get an idea of how to word things.
If you're a little bit woo (I am) check out this new moon ritual. I don't think it has to be done on a new moon, but I like the example intentions because they're work related. And so what if it's from Dec 31, 2016, those are still relevant to today.
posted by foxjacket at 7:04 PM on January 28, 2018
Check out the resume tag at AskAManager.org. One of the things I remember is "So what?" as in, "What would have happened if you weren't there to do the job?" (Brain weasel says that someone else would have done the job better, that's not the point! YOU were in the job, you were there, so what difference did you make that you were?)
I would also work with a friend - like, you bounce off friend the things that you did, and friend puts it into bullet point format. (I can help you with this if you want! Memail me)
See if you can't find other resume samples on the internet so that you can get an idea of how to word things.
If you're a little bit woo (I am) check out this new moon ritual. I don't think it has to be done on a new moon, but I like the example intentions because they're work related. And so what if it's from Dec 31, 2016, those are still relevant to today.
posted by foxjacket at 7:04 PM on January 28, 2018
Fake it til you make it: copy other people. Google for resumes and use their tone. Don't plagiarize, but get some new words and sentences to plug your responsibilities and accomplishments into. There aren't a whole lot of ways to talk about things people do at work. If you're really down about your job history, your accomplishments might be easier to think about as "everything you remember happening." It's good to start there anyway and winnow it down later on if you need to.
posted by rhizome at 7:17 PM on January 28, 2018
posted by rhizome at 7:17 PM on January 28, 2018
Lots of great advice here. I'd add one more thing I've tried that works sometimes: pretend you're writing about someone else. It seems kind of trite, but it can help to reframe your achievements as someone else's, they can suddenly seem worth talking about that way (if they don't in the first place).
posted by threecheesetrees at 7:38 PM on January 28, 2018
posted by threecheesetrees at 7:38 PM on January 28, 2018
So, judging by your question you’re a fine writer, and I think you may have exactly the superpower you need for this — just hitherto untapped.
I would echo the suggestion to loosen up with a libation if that’s your thing, and then try one of the following — whichever sounds least-onerous or most-fun.
1. Channel your inner Zap Brannigan and write a tongue-in-cheek, over-the-top cocky CV, wherein you deliberately spitshine your accomplishments and lionize yourself without actually lying at all. Toot your own horn so loud it makes you laugh. Then save it and revise it when you’re sober — but only for brevity. Then save that version separately and review it again over coffee the next day.
2. A variant on the first one: make a Burn Book in reverse. If you’ve worked in any sector for any length of time, you’ve crossed paths with people who really WERE as incompetent and unprofessional as your mom once said you would be. You had to cover all the time for Lazy-Ass Nate or Drunken Kandi or Inept Blamey Tammi? Point up how you did that, without mentioning them at all. You supervised a counter-help staff of stoned high schoolers at the ripe old age of 19? Management experience and delegation, boom. You were the only one who could talk to Mike from IT without defenestrating his smug sexist ass? And as a result, you helped him spot a fatal bug in the barcodes you scanned all day, even though he took all the credit? Well, now you’re a bridge builder and a creative problem solver.
3. This is the one I call “Channeling Colleen.” If you’ve been lucky enough to have a no-nonsense, tough-cookie boss who was also female, write the resume in her “voice.” Get into character if necessary by free writing a few paragraphs as her. No such boss? There was someone: a teacher, a clergywoman, a student council president, a babysitter... Or if you’re still stumped, think of your heroines in fiction. (Again, you’re a writer, and an observer, so this will probably come pretty naturally.) I still do this, more than a decade after I worked for my Colleen — when Original Flavor Armeowda just isn’t going to cut it. The tactic works well in networking/interviewing/salary negotiations too, if you read the room right. It even got a VERY hefty loan origination fee totally waived for me once, and I wasn’t even aiming that high.
Again, take your pick or try them all. I’m giving you a choose-your-own assignment about this because I can already tell you’re good for it. Like others have said, no one has to know about your self-doubt; if you must think of it, consider it the dirty secret weapon that’s already made you more scrupulous and desirable than the rest of the competition.
(I’ll stop short of telling you to have the results on my desk by Monday.)
posted by armeowda at 7:54 PM on January 28, 2018
I would echo the suggestion to loosen up with a libation if that’s your thing, and then try one of the following — whichever sounds least-onerous or most-fun.
1. Channel your inner Zap Brannigan and write a tongue-in-cheek, over-the-top cocky CV, wherein you deliberately spitshine your accomplishments and lionize yourself without actually lying at all. Toot your own horn so loud it makes you laugh. Then save it and revise it when you’re sober — but only for brevity. Then save that version separately and review it again over coffee the next day.
2. A variant on the first one: make a Burn Book in reverse. If you’ve worked in any sector for any length of time, you’ve crossed paths with people who really WERE as incompetent and unprofessional as your mom once said you would be. You had to cover all the time for Lazy-Ass Nate or Drunken Kandi or Inept Blamey Tammi? Point up how you did that, without mentioning them at all. You supervised a counter-help staff of stoned high schoolers at the ripe old age of 19? Management experience and delegation, boom. You were the only one who could talk to Mike from IT without defenestrating his smug sexist ass? And as a result, you helped him spot a fatal bug in the barcodes you scanned all day, even though he took all the credit? Well, now you’re a bridge builder and a creative problem solver.
3. This is the one I call “Channeling Colleen.” If you’ve been lucky enough to have a no-nonsense, tough-cookie boss who was also female, write the resume in her “voice.” Get into character if necessary by free writing a few paragraphs as her. No such boss? There was someone: a teacher, a clergywoman, a student council president, a babysitter... Or if you’re still stumped, think of your heroines in fiction. (Again, you’re a writer, and an observer, so this will probably come pretty naturally.) I still do this, more than a decade after I worked for my Colleen — when Original Flavor Armeowda just isn’t going to cut it. The tactic works well in networking/interviewing/salary negotiations too, if you read the room right. It even got a VERY hefty loan origination fee totally waived for me once, and I wasn’t even aiming that high.
Again, take your pick or try them all. I’m giving you a choose-your-own assignment about this because I can already tell you’re good for it. Like others have said, no one has to know about your self-doubt; if you must think of it, consider it the dirty secret weapon that’s already made you more scrupulous and desirable than the rest of the competition.
(I’ll stop short of telling you to have the results on my desk by Monday.)
posted by armeowda at 7:54 PM on January 28, 2018
Basically, this is the kind of thing that you gut out and think it's going horribly, then you look at the draft the next day and think "hmm, that's not totally horrible," and that gives you just enough oomph to write the part you didn't get to yet.
My best trick for getting over the mental chatter is the Opposite Day trick I describe here. Running and meditating and writing out all the mental chatter until it falls silent for a minute can help. So can getting angry at the voice in your head and deciding you're going to defeat it. I mean, all of this helps sometimes. I feel your pain. Try the Opposite Day one; it sometimes surprises me. Oh, and music or podcasts can sometimes distract the voice!
posted by salvia at 8:01 PM on January 28, 2018
My best trick for getting over the mental chatter is the Opposite Day trick I describe here. Running and meditating and writing out all the mental chatter until it falls silent for a minute can help. So can getting angry at the voice in your head and deciding you're going to defeat it. I mean, all of this helps sometimes. I feel your pain. Try the Opposite Day one; it sometimes surprises me. Oh, and music or podcasts can sometimes distract the voice!
posted by salvia at 8:01 PM on January 28, 2018
Lots of great advice here. I'd add one more thing I've tried that works sometimes: pretend you're writing about someone else. It seems kind of trite, but it can help to reframe your achievements as someone else's, they can suddenly seem worth talking about that way (if they don't in the first place).
This.
posted by mermaidcafe at 8:41 PM on January 28, 2018
omg hello me. i just suffered and procrastinated a LOT (which didn't help, at all, in fact it made it worse) ... then did it anyway, in progressively bigger bites. i can tell you that that the more i did it, the suffering slowly lessened, and the easier it got.
posted by soakimbo at 7:56 PM on January 29, 2018
posted by soakimbo at 7:56 PM on January 29, 2018
by the way, this is a beautifully written post. you can do this. maybe pretend you are writing someone else's resume who happens to have your skills and experience. what would 'their' resume say?
posted by soakimbo at 7:58 PM on January 29, 2018
posted by soakimbo at 7:58 PM on January 29, 2018
In addition to the great practical advice here, I'd also agree with others that it's okay and normal to have intense negative feelings about stuff like this and to want to avoid it as a result. I had something similar happen to me when I was writing part of my last job app, and one of the things that helped the most with the paralyzing anxiety was that my mentor was like "your feelings are totally valid and I felt like this when I was writing one of these for the first time." That kinda blew me away because she is incredibly accomplished and I've always thought of her as very even-keeled. Selling your brand (blergh) like this is just difficult for a lot of people, maybe especially people with a certain type of brain but also just in general.
posted by en forme de poire at 2:15 AM on January 30, 2018
posted by en forme de poire at 2:15 AM on January 30, 2018
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Start with a glass of wine or spirit of your choice. Seriously, it'll loosen you up. Then jot down on a piece of paper every task or project that someone praised you for doing, no one had ever done before, everyone who tried it before you failed, or you felt a sense of satisfaction when you were done. If it ticks one of those boxes, write it down. No need to be fancy with your language; just jot down whatever few words will remind you of the experience. No editing and no second-guessing. This is your time to see if you can break your arm patting yourself on the back.
Then look at the list and start grouping them together. In all likelihood, you'll be doing a chronological resume, so group the items by job. If you're doing a functional resume, group the items by the skillset involved. Now add specific numbers and any other relevant details to each of the items, anything that says "this really was a big deal". "38% increase in widget production" is much more specific and impressive than "improved productivity".
Now just add whatever words and punctuation are needed to make a fully-formed bullet point. Oh, and keep each bullet point to no more than two lines of type if at all possible. When you've got your resume all done, have another glass of wine or spirit of your choice and read your resume to discover what a terrific person you really are.
posted by DrGail at 6:39 PM on January 28, 2018